Sunday, August 20, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO BUILD HIS BASE BY CONNECTING WITH TRANGENDER AND LGBT GROUPS

SAYING HE WAS ONLY JOKING WITH HIS TWEET BANNING LGBT IN THE MILITARY, TRUMP CAME OUT WITH A SOFTER, BOULDER, YET POUTY LOOK......

WASHINGTON D.C.

President Trump and First Daughter Ivanka
Catching White House staff off guard this morning, President Trump and daughter Ivanka emerged from his private quarters,wearing full make-up. Gasps could be heard from across the room as the two joined a crack reporter from OFF THE WALL news for an exclusive interview.  What follows is small portion of that interview. (The full interview will be published in Dave Taylor's upcoming book, "Overcoming the Trump in the Road".)

OTW: "Mr. President, is this the new you?"  Trump: "This is who I am, kind, caring, wanting, and I've been told many, many times, good looking."
OTW:  "Who did your make-up?" Trump: "Ivanka. She has always been able to bring out the real me."
He gave Ivanka a squeeze and the two gazed into each other's eyes as he finished his comment. "Meaning, in a father/daughter way."  Ivanka then added, "Since Daddy told me he was joking about banning the LBGT community in the armed forces, I suggested he show his inner feelings and let me make him up. We had great, great fun trying different blushes, shades, and liners. We could have gone too far and people might have been confused, thinking he was a porn star, so we softened his lip gloss to keep his Presidentual look."

The total interview lasted forty-five minutes and then father and daughter retreated back up stairs to the private quarters.  Trump has had a trying few weeks and he had hopes that a new image would help his cause.  Now that Steve Bannon is gone, he hopes things change quickly.  With Bannon's departure, it frees up a bedroom in the private quarters.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

OFF THE WALL NEWS FOUNDER AND SENIOR EDITOR DAVE TAYLOR TURNS 61

OTW FOUNDER TRIED TO KEEP HIS BIRTHDAY LOW KEY IF NOT QUIET, BUT DUE TO A POSSIBLE LEAK, IT TURNED INTO A TON OF FUN.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN


Dave Taylor and the elephant in the room.
Dave Taylor's 61st birthday last Friday, became cause for celebration at the OFF THE WALL news headquarters in Bridgeport, Minnesota.  Taylor, who tried to keep his "day" hidden from the news, was surprised when a four ton elephant with "Happy 61st Dave" written on its forehead came high stepping into the boardroom.

Taylor looked around the table and asked if anyone else could see the elephant in the room and received blank stares. The pachyderm then smeared frosting on Taylor's cheek with its long trunk and the room errupted with laughter.  The next hour was filled with uncontrolled laughter, as reporters related their favorite OFF THE WALL news story from the past eight years. At the end of the day, the huge birthday pachyderm was crated and sent to an elephant sancturary in Afica, where it could celebrate all its remaining birthdays amonst fellow elephants.

The staff was given the rest of the day off and Taylor went back to work, scouring the wire for worthy news stories.  Taylor would like to thank readers for their birthday wishes and promises continued reporting of news not reported elswhere.  

 



Thursday, August 3, 2017

TRUMP AWARDED HIS OWN MERIT BADGE FOR RECENT SPEECH TO BOY SCOUTS

THE PRESIDENT WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT IT MEANT AND ASKED WHY IT WASN'T BIGGER......


WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump's Merit Badge for BS
President Trump ignited a firestorm last week after turning a non political event, addressing the Boy Scouts Jamboree, into a self-serving political rally. It was bad enough that leaders of the Boy Scouts issued an apology to it's members and supporters. 

Trump then went on to tell those in the press that he received a telephone call from the scout leaders saying his speech was the best there ever was and thanked him. Once again, the leaders of the Boy Scouts came forth saying there were no phone calls, but decided the President had earned his own special Merit Badge.

In the Boy Scouts, a Merit Badge is a proud symbol of honor and achievement and there are numerous Merit Badges that can be earned and after the President's self-serving speech, it was thought he had earned his own.  He was awarded a badge for BS, the one and only badge of its kind ever awarded.  Trump, who was never a Boy Scout, wasn't quite sure what to think and asked why it wasn't bigger.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

TRUMP DEMANDS THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS UNDERGO A MANDATORY SPERM COUNT

SESSIONS COULDN'T BELIEVE HIS EARS WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT CAME UP BEHIND HIM AND WHISPERED TRUMP'S LATEST VOLLEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE SESSIONS TO RESIGN.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessions gets the word in front of an Obama Presidential portrait
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was meditating in the Obama Room when Vice President Pence came in through the back door of the quiet area, Sessions has made for himself next to his office.
"Jeff," Pence whispered loudly. "The Chief wants to test your sperm count to see if you're man enough to do your job."
Sessions, bit his lip and frowned, then replied, "Oh oh."
According to sources inside the White House, Trump wants to show Sessions who is in charge and get him to resign. 
Sources also are saying Mike Pence has undergone four sperm counts in the last three weeks.  "It's not all that bad," he told Sessions.  "If you pass, you can join me in becoming a sperm doner and get in on the free Viagra!"

Monday, July 24, 2017

PICTURE SURFACES SHOWING TRUMP'S FIRST MEETING WITH SCARAMUCCI

TRUMP WASTED NO TIME APPOINTING HIS NEW COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, ONCE HE REALIZED HE AND SCARAMUCCI WERE ONCE GOOD "BUDDIES"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scaramucci, 2nd from left, was first introduced to Trump, (r) at a funeral in 1998
A photo of Trump, during his first meeting with his newly appointed communications director, surfaced early this morning, much to the surprise of the President. He began reminising out loud to Dave Taylor, as the two met privately.

"We were both running with a fast and different crowd back then." Trump said. "Soprano introduced us and it turned out that Scaramucci really liked me! Of course, I went on to create a new group called the 'In Crowd' and as you know, went on to become the modern day President, can you believe it?!  Hillary never had a chance!
I think Tony Soprano went on to have his own TV show, but it never got the ratings, the Celebrity Apprentice got and didn't last too long."

Sources say there were more pictures taken at this funeral, but they have been confiscated by the Bambinni family out of respect for Lou Bambinni, who lay in the closed coffin.
OFF THE WALL news will continue to search for more photos.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

CAUGHT IN ANOTHER PRIVATE MEETING, TRUMP JR. SAYS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS

DONALD TRUMP JR ORIGINALLY SAID HE ONLY ATTENDED ONE PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER, NOW SOURCES MAY HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF A SECOND PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN BARTENDER.....

NEW YORK, NY.

Don Jr. and Jocko Noblik discuss Moscow Mules
Someone leaked a photo of a bare chested Donald Trump Jr. embracing Jocko Noblik, a former KGB officer who now resides in New York as a bartender and the media is eating it up. 
Trump Jr. denied the meeting until he was presented with a picture of the two of them arm in arm. "I didn't think that looked like me." he said before continuing. "But then I remembered meeting Mr. Noblik in a hotel bar. I asked him to show me how to make a Moscow Mule and he said the receipe was in his room.  I stopped up to see him after his shift and we became good friends."
Asked about the absence of his shirt in the photo, he told journalist that the two were comparing his scars to Knoblik's tattoos.
Noblik came to New York last year after loosing his job with the FSB, the  state security organisation  that replaced the KGB. Although he publicly maintains his bar tending story, embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter, Jon Smith (Not his real name.) reports he spends weeks at a time in Russia, helping Vladimir Putin groom his horse.  Sources believe Noblik is the link between Putin and Don Jr., but this has not been proven.  
In Trump's defence, he was seen in Koblik's hotel elevator holding a copper mug, garnished with lime.  Time will tell what the real truth is.





Tuesday, July 11, 2017

G20 SUMMIT PICTURE LEAKED TO THE PRESS INFURIATES TRUMP

G20 group picture
TRUMP SURPRISED HIS COUNTERPARTS AS THEY GATHERED ON THE LAST DAY OF THE G20 SUMMIT  FOR A GROUP SOLIDARITY PICTURE...........

HAMBURG, GERMANY

President Trump waited until his counterparts were all assembled for the group photo before bounding into the room and the center of the group.  "The Force is with me!" be blurted out.
Sources told OFF THE WALL news, the world leaders had agreed to wear the white storm trooper costumes to show the world their solidarity and when Trump came in dressed as Darth Vader, there was hissing and cat calls aplenty.  Trump said he was under the assumption that the picture would remain private and when told it had been leaked, turned bright red.
After the picture was taken, Trump produced a toy light sabre and challenged North Korea's Kim Jong Un to a duel. A few minutes later Mrs. Trump came into the room and told her husband, Kim Jong Un was not part of the G20 and it was time to leave, causing him to stomp out of the room.  We can only imagine what the flight home was like.

                                          

Thursday, July 6, 2017

MINNESOTA CITY ASKS COURT TO STOP TRUMP TOWER CONSTRUCTION ON LAKE FRONT PROPERTY

THE CITY HAS FILED A MOTION IN DISTRICT COURT TO PROHIBIT THE TRUMPS FROM ERECTING A TWENTY STORY TOWER ON THE CITY'S LAKEFRONT WHICH WOULD BLOCK THE VIEW OF THE LAKE AND BE THE TALLEST BUILDING IN 500 MILES......


UPTHERIVER, MN.

News leaked last month that the Trump organization, headed by Trump's sons, wanted to erect an new building in the North Minnesota city of Uptheriver that would completely block the view of the city's lake, Lake Serene.  Residents quickly formed a coalition against the planned building and sent a letter to the Sixth District Court of Northern Minnesota.

Don Jr. and Eric Trump came dressed for the job.
 This news was met with a  nasty tweet from the POTUS. "Why are you against a Trump Tower in your stinking little town? Sad! My sons will prevail."
"I promised my sons they could build the tallest building in North Min."
Trump then threatened to sign an executive order to drain Lake Seren for environmental reasons unless the city relented from their "unfair demands".

Don Jr. and Eric Trump first visited Uptheriver, (Pronounced Up-the-riv-er) in April and approached the City Council with their plan to erect a Trump Tower on the bank of Lake Serene. Thinking they would look like Minnesotans, the two were dressed in white shirts and bib overalls.  City officials worried that their planned building would block the complete lakefront from view, causing a loss of boaters and tourists. City Attorney Pat Magroin argued the building's height would also be detrimental to flying geese.
Informants told  OFF THE WALL news the reason behind Trumps wanting the building is to have their own resort to use when snipe hunting.

Monday, July 3, 2017

SAYING HE IS NOT FAT, TRUMP IS WEARING RUBBER UNDERWEAR TO LOSE WEIGHT

LIKING THE WAY IT FEELS NEXT TO HIS SKIN, HE PLANS TO WEAR IT AROUND THE CLOCK.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fighting critics who say he is looking fatter by the day, Trump is undergoing a new stratagy he says is more about style than stubstance.  "I look good in it, you know that and I know that. I can put on a pair of pants and suit coat over it and no one's the wiser, except me and I'm pretty wise."

"It's a little tight in the gut, but it looks good on me."
Trump has fired three taylors in the past six months, claiming they were making his clothes fit too tight.  "They were incompetent and had to be fired," he said as he downed his second double cheeseburger during lunch.

Trump got the idea for wearing rubber underwear to lose weight, from a story in the National Enquirer about fat ladies in the circus who wore rubber panties to contain their "huge derrieres ".

Around the White House, staff and subordinates complement the President as he models his fatwear.  "He wants to lose weight, but not to be called a loser." One staffer told embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter Dick Tickler. "But it's too late for that."




Sunday, July 2, 2017

HILLARY GETTING READY FOR 2020,SAYS SHE'S IN THE BEST SHAPE TO WIN

AFTER LOSING HER LAST BID FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE ELECTORIAL COLLEGE, BUT WINNING THE POPULAR VOTE, HILLARY IS TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH IN 2020......SHE'S AT THE GYM EVERY DAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

"A Vote for Me, Will Set You Free!"
Hillary Clinton had jaws dropping Saturday when she revealed her revamped body and her new Vote For HRC 2020 poster.  Even spouse and former President Bill Clinton was excited and couldn't keep from grinning.  "This is a new Hillary." Bill said.  "I don't know if its her hairdo or what, but there is something about her that can get you going!"

Hillary told OFF THE WALL news she's looking forward to running again and this time she can't wait to see what name Trump will come up for her.  "I think he'll find I'm not as stupid as he tried to make me out as."
When Trump saw the poster, he stammered, "They're fake, everybody knows that! I've been up close and personal, her whole body is fake!"  Privately he told Mitch McConnell, he hadn't been this nervous since he was caugh sneaking into Ivanka's bedroom.

Hillary will start campaigning at college campuses early next year. Time will tell how this all comes out.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THREE ARMED MAN IN SHOCK AFTER UNDERGOING PROCEDURE TO REMOVE AN ARM

A LOCAL MAN BORN WITH TWO LEFT AND ONE RIGHT ARM, ENTERED THE HOSPITAL TUESDAY TO  REMOVE THE LOWER LEFT ARM, BUT DUE TO A COMPUTER GLITCH, HIS RIGHT ARM WAS REMOVED BY ACCIDENT...HOSPITAL BLAMES ROBOT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A local man received good news and bad news Tuesday evening after having one of his three arms removed by robotic surgery at Bridgeport General.  The good news was that the operation had been a success followed by the bad news that the wrong arm had been removed.
Kenny Duet, signing papers for his procedure.

Kenny Duet, 35 entered B.G. Tuesday morning for what was to be an out patient procedure.  He was born with two left arms and always had hoped to get one of them removed when the technology advanced enough to allow  it.  Last month Bridgeport General notified Duet of their new robot surgeon,  nicknamed Truman, who had been able to surgically remove the stomach out of a gnat.

Duet came in to meet the robot on Fathers Day and sign the paperwork for the robotic surgery to take place.  The robot has been programmed not only to perform surgical procedures, but to also entertain children in the children's wing of the hospital.  Duet quickly bonded with Truman after witnessing the robot juggle scalpels in front of the children.
"Truman"

No one knows for sure how or why Duet's right arm was mistakenly removed and until a diagnostic procedure can be completed, Truman has been banned from the surgical floor and delegated to the kitchen to slice onions.
Duet's attorney told OFF THE WALL news his client would probably sue once he found out if they could sue a robot.