Friday, December 28, 2012

MAN REJECTED BY SWEETHEART IN CAREFULLY WORDED MARRIAGE PROPOSAL


A man who memorized the complete dictionary was still unable to come up with the right words to impress and win the hand of his sweetheart.  Wiley Wordsworth 45, of Bridgeport spent two years memorizing Webster's unabridged dictionary and was able to define and spell words at the drop of a hat, found himself unable to convince his true love to marry him.  Wordsworth spent ten hours each day memorizing words, their meaning, and correct spelling while his girlfriend, Beatrice Goode tended bar and danced at a men's club.
Wiley Wordsworth is a man with
 a new plan.
Wordsworth is being treated for depression at a local hospital after his marriage proposal was turned down by Goode.  "I chose my words so carefully," he told Channel 1 News, "yet she had a lackadaisical look on her face."  After telling Wordsworth no, Goode ran off with the piano player from the club where she worked prompting Wordsworth to tell Dave Taylor of Channel 1 News,  "I should have studied music."
Beatrice Goode
Wordsworth now spends his days working crossword puzzles and taking kazoo lessons.  "I've got a song in my heart and a plan."  As for his former sweetheart, Ms. Goode has moved on with her life and is enjoying a career as an escort.  Channel 1 News hopes to interview Ms. Goode for a future story.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

CITY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS TO BE ON BY CHRISTMAS

City attorney Buck Passer as he studied
the lighting contract for this year's
Christmas lights. "It's all Chinese to me!"
Good news for Christmas light lovers!  Bridgeport has settled a legal dispute with the Hong Kong Lights & More company of Hong Kong, China just in time for the Christmas season.  The colorful lights strung up all over the city since Thanksgiving have been left dark due to a clause in the contract with the company.  The contract clause in question was printed in Chinese and unreadable by city attorney Buck Passer, who flew to China to meet with Hong Kong company officials for clarification. 
This years Christmas light display contract was awarded to Hong Kong Lights and More after the city council decided that more was better.  The other bidder was Kansas City Lights who came in with the lowest bid but council members felt they would get less because their name did not include the word more.  It was only after the contract was signed with Hong Kong Lights & More that city attorney Buck Passer discovered the tiny clause in the contract that had not been translated into English.  Fearing getting sued, Bridgport officials kept the lights off until a translation could be made.  This has dragged on much to the dismay of Bridgeport citizens.  On Sunday night Passer flew to China and was able to get the clause translated.  When translated, it turned out to only be a phrase which read, "Colored lights made in Hong Kong". 
Mayor Ben Dover promised to have the lights throughout the city turned on by this weekend and in the interim invited the Christmas light starved public to drive by his home on Lax Street.  His lights have been on since the week before Thanksgiving.
Mayor Ben Dover's home, lit up for
all to see.
Channel 1 News will hopefully have a photographer on hand when the city lights are lighted this weekend.

Monday, December 17, 2012

MAYOR DECLARES END OF WORLD PARTY

Mayor Ben Dover gives an
 okay sign to Dave Taylor.
With the end of the world scheduled to come this Friday,  Bridge Port Mayor Ben Dover, showing signs of distress called off his scheduled business trip to Cancun, Mexico.  In a Skype call to Channel 1 News, he appeared shaky at times and amazingly calm at others.  He appeared to take a deep breath before admitting that his doctor had given him something to help him remain numb.  "I'm quite comfortable,"  he told Dave Taylor in their face to face Skype interview.  "I have studied the Mayan calendar and even though it predicts the end, I doubt they could have calculated such an event without the aid of Google or other Internet help."  When asked if he was totally sure, his eyes widened and he bit his lip, "No", he answered before looking off camera towards his physician, Dr. Ooh.
"You don't look very comfortable Mr. Mayor",  Dave Taylor said, " Are you alright?"  Mayor Dover managed a smile and gave Taylor an okay sign with his hand.  "Believe me, I'm comfortably numb.  I also know there is much concern and distress about this prediction of the end of the world and as Mayor I am going to do all that I can to alleviate the fear that many are feeling."  He went on to declare Thursday December 20, 2012 as Thirsty Thursday.  "It will be a day of parties followed by a night of parties I want it to be like 1999 all over again!" he exclaimed with a far away look in his eyes.  In a further attempt to calm the fears held by many, he held up a plane ticket, "Look, this is how sure I am that the world will not end this Friday, I have rescheduled my business trip to Cancun for Monday!"  He ended his interview saying he had another doctors appointment to get to. 
Mayor Ben Dover's personal
physician, Dr. Suzi Ooh holding
his "numbers" as he calls them.
Channel 1 News will be here right up to the end, whenever that is.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

SNOWMAN CONTEST CALLED OFF... AGAIN!


Bridge Port Meteorologist Hyian Drye
and his secretary Desire, hamming
it up at last year's city Christmas party.
Much to the dismay of hundreds of Bridge Port children and adults, the city snowman making contest has been scrubbed for the second time this month due to lack of snow and cold.  Bridge Port meteorologist Hyian Drye told Channel 1 News, usually Bridge Port is under a foot of snow this time of the year with snowmen visible in yards all over town.  "Right now I'm the most hated man in town." he told  Dave Taylor as they toured the city in an unmarked car.  "My house was egged just last night and for safety, I've sent my wife out of town while I stay on the job here with my secretary and staff."


This picture captures the failed attempt at making a
snowman in last week's scheduled contest.
Bridge Port has been holding a snowman contest each December dating back to the early 1930s.  There was even a referendum in 1956 to change the name of our city to "Frosty", in honor of Frosty the Snowman.  It failed when opposition pointed out that there was also a root beer brand called Frosty.  This year the contest had brought in contestants from all over the state in hopes of taking home the $100 prize and getting a free pass to the ice skating rink.  Mayor Ben Dover comforted the crowd telling them that the contest would still take place as soon as significant snow fell.  Channel 1 News will keep in contact with weatherman Hyian Drye and keep you posted.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

WOMAN GOES ALL OUT TO BEAT BLACK FRIDAY COMPETITION

Dee Dee Dumm went to
China for the bargains
A Bridge Port woman went to great lengths to be the first person to get the very best Black Friday bargains.  Dee Dee Dumm 43, told Channel 1 News the idea came to her in a dream on Halloween night.  She spoke with Dave Taylor about her winning strategy.  "I wanted to be the first in line at Walmart when they opened Thanksgiving night, but wasn't sure how I could do it for sure," she said. "Then it all came to me in a dream, most everything in the stores comes from China and they are a day ahead of us, so why not go to China and buy up the bargains right then and there! It will be Thanksgiving night there before it is here and no lines!!  I was ecstatic!"

She told her husband Rum, of her dream and plan to go to China and he agreed to stay home and feed their gold fish. "She promised to pick me up a new flat screen TV!" he quipped.  So last Wednesday she called in to work sick and went to the airport where she boarded a 14 hour flight to Shanghai, China.  She arrived there on Thursday afternoon and couldn't wait to order some real Chinese food at one of the airport food stands.  After a meal of Sweet Red Bean Pancakes and Chinese pork sausages, she took a taxi to the nearest Walmart.  "I couldn't believe my eyes!" she exclaimed.  I was the tallest woman in the store and could see bargains everywhere!"  She went on a two hour shopping spree without having to fight others for the bargains.  Her only regret was not being able to understand what the store Santa Claus was yelling at her, but on the up side, the store clerks were very helpful by helping  her carry her TV to the taxi.


Friendly store clerks help with the TV
Ms. Dumm bought for her husband.
Ms. Dumm returned home exhausted but happy.  She had "beaten" the system and not had to stand in any lines or fight others for the really big deals.  Next year she hopes to do it again.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

CITY VOTES TO LIFT BLACK FRIDAY BAN!!


 In a unanimous vote including that of  Mayor Ben Dover, the city council decided to lift the ban on Black Friday retroactive to last year.  The vote was taken Monday evening after a heated debate in council chambers.  City merchants have been furious ever since the city of Bridge Port banned the after Thanksgiving event, causing them to lose serious revenue from lost sales. Men's Under ware store owner Titus Fitt  told Channel 1 News, "It's about time they lifted this ban.  I'm not sure if making it retroactive to last year will help, but we'll see."

This picture was taken in 2011 as the ban
on Black Friday was put into place in Bridge Port.

The ban on Black Friday was enacted in 2011 and put into place after  city councilman Pat McGroin convinced other council members it was wrong to have a special shopping day for Black citizens only, especially the day after Thanksgiving.  He thought it would raise racial tensions in our fair city.  The council voted unanimously to ban Black Friday immediately, much to the dismay of local businesses who lost an estimated 14 million dollars last year on the one day alone.   Mayor Ben Dover, who did not have a say in the vote, recalls getting death threats and lewd tweets while on a sailing vacation in Mexico.  "I couldn't believe what was happening back home," he told Channel 1 News.  "I was sailing with a lady friend and her twin sister when I got a tweet telling me of the ban. I knew there would be some unhappy folks back home and I'd get my house egged again."
Upon returning to Bridge Port, Mayor Dover called a special closed door meeting with the local Chamber of Commerce and the council, where the council members responsible for the ban learned what Black Friday really meant and immediately expressed remorse for their actions.  Motions to overturn the ban were tabled until this week. 
Mayor Ben Dover and lady friends were sailing
in Mexico when he heard of the Black Friday Ban.
In the mean time local merchants are gearing up for the biggest shopping day of the year and all is well in the city of Bridge Port.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

MAYOR HAS HIGH PRIORITIES

Now that propositions for the legalization of marijuana have passed in the states of Washington and Colorado, Bridge Port Mayor Ben Dover hopes to lead a delegation to both states on a fact finding mission by years end. 


Mayor Ben Dover on election
night.  "We must listen to the
will of the people and I'm all ears."
In the wake of the historic vote on this issue Mayor Dover has called for an impromptu city council meeting on Saturday evening at Lou's Liquor Lounge downtown. The meeting will start during happy hour and the public is invited.  It was noted that normally city council meetings are held at city hall, but due to plumbing issues the meeting place is being moved to Lou's.  "There's a foul odor in the council chambers." Mayor Dover said.
Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor talked with the mayor via Skype just before noon and asked Mayor Dover about what he expected to learn by going on a city sponsored trip to Colorado and Washington.

 B.D. "We must listen to the will of the people and I'm all ears."
D.T. "Can you explain that?"
B.D. Well with the legalization of this natural herb in two states, it's high time we see what all the giddiness is about.
D.T. So you want to take a delegation on a road trip?
B.D. Yes Dave, this issue has been in a haze for too long.  By traveling to Colorado and Washington we can get some experience and perhaps tour a brownie factory.
D.T. How will this benefit Bridge Port?
B.D. I'm glad you asked that question Dave. Let me research that.
The mayor went on to explain that he hopes to have Bridge Port in position to be "wide open" as he put it, when the laws are changed here.
Channel 1 News will cover the special council meeting tonight and share any new facts in a later story.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

NEXT WAVE OF ATTACK ADS PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

With the Presidential election behind us and the countless hours of political attack ads that came with it gone, most people breathed a sigh of relief.  But just when we thought it was safe to turn on the TV again, residents of Bridge Park will soon be saying....."They're  Baaaaack"!  This time not about politicians, no they have morphed into something even more cynical. 

Channel 1 News learned early this morning that new attack ads will soon begin airing about of all people, Santa Claus!  With the success of all the recent attack ads, Milken It Productions of Bridge Park was contacted by Karl Rove to produce a series of new ads in hopes of redirecting the public away from politics and his failed attempt to unseat the president.


Santa Claus, can we
really trust this guy?
Channel 1 News obtained a script for the upcoming attack ad which was recorded in a voice over by Donald Trump, while a picture of Santa Claus hugging a "helper" is displayed on the TV screen.  In a somber voice Mr. Trump says:
"It's that time of year and if you're not worried, you should be. Santa Claus is coming you know.  Santa Claus....what do really know about him?  He wants you to believe he's a jolly old elf who will bring gifts and toys to your kids when the truth is, he's nothing but a fat sweaty old pervert.  He says he watching to see who's naughty and nice when the truth is, he's just a peeping tom outside your window.  When he tells your kids he wants them to be good, what does that twinkle in his eyes really mean?  Why is his beard wet, could it be drool?  The truth is America, we can't trust this guy.  Santa Claus, just bad for America....tell Santa you've had enough, tell him to stay away from schools, tell him to stay home!"

Other ads are also in production directed at the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Channel 1 News will continue to keep you informed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

SHOCKING ELECTION DAY NEWS FOR BRIDGE PARK

Bridge Park officials and citizens were shocked to learn this morning that the election results for Bridge Park Mayor from yesterday's election were somehow destroyed by a computer error.  In this hard fought and sometime ugly race, when told of the glitch both candidates pointed fingers at each other's campaign bus and vowed to get to the truth.
Just after the polls closed last night, the results from around the city were fed into the master computer for compilation.  City Clerk R.U. Fareel told Channel 1 News he entered the ballot totals and hit what he thought was the "complete" key.  He soon realized he had misread the key and he had hit the "delete" key losing all the voting result information.  When he realized what he had done, he locked himself in a closet until six this morning, when he came he came out of the closet and told the truth.
Incumbent Mayor Ben Dover and first time challenger Peter Leeks each spent last night at their campaign headquarters awaiting the outcome of their fiercely fought contest.  Mayor Dover's campaign headquarters at the downtown Belly Up Bar drew a crowd of his closest supporters, many who stayed up all night with the Mayor listening to his promises of better days ahead.  When the results had not been released by 4 A.M. many supporters stumbled into the streets in protest.
Jamin Bong, foreground, shouts out in
displeasure just after 4 a.m. "Hey man
I got to work in the morning! Tell us
who won F-in this thing!"
Challenger Peter Leeks was surrounded by his supporters at his campaign headquarters in the lobby of  Sneakers Motor Hotel.
"I'm excited," he told Channel 1 News.  "I've had some great times at this hotel and I'm feeling lucky again tonight.  I'm gonna win this thing and get Bridge Park back on track."

This is the first time in Bridge Park history that a computer was used to help tally votes and it was learned, perhaps too late that City Clerk Fareel was not computer literate.  Channel 1 News will keep tabs on what will happen next.

Monday, November 5, 2012

CHANNEL 1 NEWS ENDORSES OBAMA FOR A SECOND TERM


In the final hours before Election Day 2012, Channel 1 News is endorsing Barack Obama for a second term as President.  A questionnaire about their vision for the next four years was sent to each camp and the results returned were then  analysed by the entire news team.  In a little under ten minutes the staff chose Obama. Channel 1 News wants to remind all citizens to vote on Tuesday November 6.
The vision statements from each candidate are shown below.

Challenger Mitt Romney's response.

President Obama's response.

Friday, November 2, 2012

UNDECIDED VOTERS, HELP IS ON THE WAY!

According to the label, two tablets will
flush your brain and keep your tongue
wagging for hours saying anything and
everything. All proceeds from sales will
 kept in the Cayman Islands.
As the election nears, undecided Republican voters may soon have the relief they crave. Republican candidate Mitt Romney is cashing in on the situation and is having thousands of cases of his premium fast working brain laxative called Mitt Flush shipped in from his China based company. His running mate Paul Ryan issued a press release just after midnight stating, "This is the private formula that Mitt uses to keep his mind open and his words flowing. When Mitt uses Mitt Flush, his eyes roll back for an instant before his mind drains and he starts saying whatever anyone wants to hear, the words just roll off his tongue." Channel 1 News was able to get a bottle of Mitt Flush and read the small print. "Warning: Only to be taken when dazed, confused, or when about to debate someone. Chew two tablets and you'll say anything and appear giddy." The FDA has issued a warning about the laxative prompting Romney to promise to close and disband this government agency if elected. Channel 1 News will follow this story right up to next Tuesday.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

UNDECIDED REPUBLICAN VOTERS TO GET HELP

According to the Romney camp, Mitt
Flush works in just 30 seconds and lasts
all day long.  It's like oil for the tongue.

As the election nears, undecided Republican voters may soon have the relief they crave.  Republican candidate Mitt Romney is cashing in on the situation and is having thousands of cases of his premium fast working brain laxative called Mitt Flush shipped in from his China based company.  His running mate Paul Ryan issued a press release just after midnight stating, "This is the private formula that Mitt uses to keep his mind open and his words flowing.  When Mitt uses Mitt Flush, his eyes roll back for an instant before his mind drains and he starts saying whatever anyone wants to hear, the words just roll off his tongue."  Channel 1 News was able to get a bottle of Mitt Flush and read the small print. "Warning: Only to be taken when dazed, confused, or when about to debate someone. Chew two tablets and you'll say anything and appear giddy."  The FDA has issued a warning about the laxative prompting Romney to promise to close and disband this government agency if elected.  Channel 1 News will follow this story right up to next Tuesday.

Friday, October 19, 2012

SLEEZARS GENTLEMEN CLUB FOLLOWS ROMNEY'S LEAD

Omyya Sleezar says he's
looking out for his female
dance employees
Sleezars Gentlemen Club of Bridge Park has vowed to work for women's rights after witnessing the Presidential Debate last Tuesday night.  Club owner Omyya Sleezar told Channel 1 News he wants to follow in Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's footsteps and has committed to letting his female employees off by 5 P.M. each day so they can get home and cook dinner for their kids.  "All my dancers deserve to be home cooking over the dinner hour," he said smiling.  "Their kids deserve a hot meal from their hot moms!  That Mitt guy made it clear to me, I owe these ladies and so I'm making a commitment to every sweetheart in my binder full of them, to let them off over the dinner hour."  When asked about his customers he replied, " I'll show some video porn clips and offer free pretzels with all domestic beer sales until the dancers get back at 8 P.M.
Channel 1 News asked to interview some of the dancers but was told that due to contractual issues, that couldn't be allowed at this time.  Channel 1 News will continue to follow up on this story.

Monday, October 8, 2012

BRIDGE PARK LOSES BID TO HOST MOCK DEBATE

Bridge Park Mayor Ben Dover
"I'm just a simple man!"
Mayor Ben Dover hoping to put Bridge Park in the limelight, tried unsuccessfully to have mock candidates posing as Romney and Obama, debate presidential policy on national television.  Dover had hoped to capitalize on the political fever gripping the country by having Bridge Park hold a no holds barred mock debate in prime time.  "If I could have signed some good mock candidates, it would have worked," he told Channel 1 News. Invitations were sent out to Clint Eastwood and Bill Cosby and a host of other notables such as Kirk Douglas, Al Pacino, Samuel L. Jackson, and Eddie Murphy. The only reply came from the estate of Marlon Brando, explaining his passing away in 2004.  Belated condolences were sent to his family by the Mayor.
As moderator, the Mayor had some tough questions lined up that he says would have had both candidates reeling.  "I would have brought out the true men with questions like, boxers or briefs, blond or brunette, Coke or Pepsi, or my favorite, football or baseball?  I'm a simple man who likes to keep it simple.  If we can find out what these guys think about the ordinary things, we'll know how they would fit in in Bridge Park.
Channel 1 News will continue to monitor the situation as the Mayor vowed to continue looking for ways to get Bridge Park into the limelight.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

THE TRUTH BEHIND OBAMA'S DEBATE DEBACLE

A Presidental Imposture?
Channel 1 News in an exclusive interview with President Obama's debate coach, learned what was behind the president's poor performance in Wednesday night's debate. Democrats and pundits alike were reeling over the debating skills of the President, who has held his own in the past.  The debate coach granted the interview in return for a promise of anonymity, saying she would lose her job if her identity was revealed.  Channel 1 News never gives out such information and promised Ms. Lokjaw the anonymity she requested.

Irok Umoma and Itsa
 Longshot appear as the
President and First Lady
Channel 1 News learned the following;  Once it was announced the first debate would take place on October 3, the Obamas notified the re-election team that the third of October was their 20th wedding anniversary and they had made plans for a cozy fireside dinner.  A plan was then hatched to bring in the President and first lady's stunt doubles to make the debate appearance in their place.  The two look-a-likes were flown in on the eve of the debate and given a hot meal and an outline of their duties.  The doubles are Irok Umoma and Itsa Longshot, both off Broadway actors who normally drink free when they go out because of their similar looks to Barack and Michele. "I can't walk into a bar," said a smiling Irok.  "Without someone buying a drink for the President!" 
A few hours before leaving for Denver, the couple were fitted in evening clothes which they would be able to keep and were able to meet the people they would be filling in for.  "Michele is so nice," Itsa said.  "She is just so down to earth."  Umoma was then given a list of questions that would most likely be asked in the debate and he had promised to go over them prior to meeting Governor Romney on stage. 
It was obvious to anyone watching or listening that Mr. Umoma hadn't done that. He spent almost the entire debate looking downward at what appeared to be a crossword puzzle.  After the debate he was whisked away to an undisclosed location and made to return the suit of clothes he was wearing before being put on a bus home.  Ms. Longshot was allowed to keep her dress but had to find her own way home. 
The debate coach promised us that we would see the real president next time and that he would be ready to put his opponent in his place.  Channel 1 News will be there and bring you the behind the scenes stories you are hungry for.  Dave Taylor's motto is, "If your hungry for news, I'm full of it!"
Channel 1 News is out to prove it.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

ROMNEY, RYAN, SHOCK THE REPUBLICANS AND JOIN THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

Mitt and Paul at their Halloween
 coming out party.
In the biggest political news of the year, the Republican party candidates for the Presidency have switched political parties just weeks before the election and have joined the Halloween Party!
"I've always been mistaken for Herman Munster and now with little Eddie..er I mean Paul here, I'm gonna live the dream!" he told Channel 1 News.  "If elected, I really am going to bring change to Washington."
Channel 1 News was there at the coming out party when the two politicians, dressed as Herman and Eddie Munster stood up and yelled "Boo!" to an unsuspecting crowd of reporters. Romney took the stage and began telling reporters and pundits alike how the idea to switch parties came about.  "It started when Eddie...er I mean Paul here, scared the hell out of seniors with our new budget plan and the reworking of Medicare  and Social Security.  Some of those old geezers were so scared they got up and walked out of the room.  We had a huge laugh about that in the party..er I mean campaign bus as we rode around town thinking up more ways to scare people." 
You could tell Congressman Ryan was somewhat embarrassed sitting on Romney's knee, but he sat there and played with a pumpkin shaped calculator as Governor Romney outlined their new vision.  "I've been taking a class on being middle class and I'm beginning to understand those 47% non tax payers,"  he said with a sober looking face.  "I've come to understand the importance of Halloween too.  I'm learning what tricks will bring me the biggest treats!"  He let out a roar of laughter that almost caused Congressman Ryan to fall off his knee.
If Romney and Ryan get elected, it will mark the first time that candidates from the Halloween party  advance that far. Casper the ghost came close in 1956, but voters saw right through him and his policies and he failed to get elected.  Channel 1 News will follow these candidates in their bid to the White House or as Governor Romney called it, the Haunted House.

Friday, October 5, 2012

ROMNEY CONSIDERS HIMSELF A MASTERBATER

Romney, caught in the act.
After Wednesday nights debate, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney ran into the men's room and gave himself a big kiss in the mirror.  Governor Romney thought he was alone, but Channel 1 News's political reporter Pat McGroin was in one of the stalls and filed this report.
The sushi ripoff raw pork hocks I'd eaten had made me sick, and I had just finished vomiting when I heard what sounded like someone giggling come running into the men's room.  I peered out through a crack in the stall and saw a giddy Mitt Romney kissing himself in the mirror.  "Thank you, you silver tongued devil!" Romney told his image.
The perfect gift for the man
that has everything.  The one
on one debate room.
McGroin then let Romney know that he was not alone in the restroom to which Romney replied, "I know that, I knew that he'd be in here," smiling and pointing to his image in the mirror.  Romney then consented to an exclusive interview with Channel 1 News. As it turns out the former Massachusetts Governor has been rehearsing for the presidental debates for some time now.  "There's almost always a restroom somewhere on the campaign trail and I thought to myself, what better place to practice and rehearse my debating skills.  In fact the Mrs. gave me my own practice captual to take with me on the campaign trail." When asked to elaborate, he continued.  "I'm most comfortable debating myself, I almost never lose!  If fact I have become a master debater, you can tell the world I'm now a masterbater!"  He then took off his tie and suitcoat and asked to be alone with himself.  "I've got to start getting ready for the next debate."
Romney went on to tell Channel 1 News that if he loses the election he plans to become a debate coach teaching losers to how to become masterbaters.  When corrected on his choice of discriptive words, he laughed and replied, "they know what I mean."  Channel 1 News will be following the presidental race right up to the finish.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

UFO ALERT FOR BRIDGE PARK



Johnny Kirk, descendant of James T. Kirk
of Star Trek fame was in town to promote
his book, "Space, It's Out There"
In startling news just revealed by the Mayor’s office, Bridge Park has been declared the most likely place a UFO will land in 2013.  Johnny Kirk 57, a self proclaimed descendant of James T. Kirk of Star Trek fame was in town over the weekend to promote his new book “Space, It’s Out There” and had lunch with city officials.  Kirk told those who would listen about a dream he had where alien ships landed near Bridge Park.
Al the Alien as seen in Kirk's book.
Channel 1 News talked to Kirk after the lunch about his dreams and learned he has been bothered by these dreams before and always woke up before learning the true landing site.  Then after seeing a story about Bridge Park on Facebook, something clicked in his mind and the landing site near Bridge Park came into view.  When asked if we should fear this landing and close encounter with these extra terrestrials Kirk replied, "Oh hell no. They are the same ones that abducted me when I was a kid and they're pretty friendly."  Kirk also revealed a picture of one of the Aliens in his book, which we are showing here for the first time. "The leader is named Al," he added.
 
Friendly or not, Bridge Park Mayor Ben Dover has declared 2013 "scary" and put the police force on high alert! "Keep your eyes on the skies!" is the new slogan for 2013.  Channel 1 News has set up a watch tower and will man it 24/7 beginning January 1, 2013.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

BRIDGE PARK SWIMMING POOL REOPENS WITH FREE INNER TUBE PROMOTION

Eager swimmers were given free inner tubes
with a paid admission to the newly reopened pool.
The Bridge Park Municipal Swimming Pool reopened today after being closed for painting since July third.  After near riots erupted in the hottest July on record, the maintenance department under the direct orders of Mayor Ben Dover, applied the fifth and final coat of quick dry pool cement paint on Sunday.  Yesterday was spent filling the pool with recycled water from the water plant. City Maintenance Engineer, Less Fuzzee told Channel 1 News, "It's been a long hot summer and having the pool open will make lots of folks happy, especially the Mayor with the up coming elections and all." 
As an added bonus, free inner tubes were given to each paying customer.  "It's cheaper than hiring a life guard", said the Mayor.  "I'm all about saving the tax payers money!"
The pool will be open daily until September 1, when it will close once more for application of paint sealer.  Until then, the city hopes to keep the pool full of happy swimmers.  Channel 1 News will be on hand to follow this story.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

CITY COUNCIL TO MEET TO DISCUSS ICE SKATING RINK

Mayor Ben Dover hopes to secure this
parking lot on 5th St. to build a skating
rink..
As air conditioners still work overtime in Bridge Park, the city council will meet tonight in a special session, to discuss building an outdoor skating rink.  With Winter just around the corner, Mayor Ben Dover wants to get a head start on the skating season and hopes to have a place for skaters to prepare for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.
Due to the ongoing remodeling of City Hall, the special session will be held in the basement of Walt's Barrel Room Tap & Shot Emporium on 5th St.  The city council members will be served a hot meal prepared and served by the local  PAPS (People Against Porn Skaters) chapter, before sitting down to business.  Walt Sleazy, bar owner will provide free liquid refreshments during the session.  "It's my civic duty." he told Channel 1 News.  The meeting will start around 9 P.M., but Channel 1 News learned most of the council members will be on hand for a question and answer period from 4 to 6 P.M. answering questions from bar patrons about city business.  This will coincide with a shot contest sponsored by  Miguela's Tequila, at the back bar. 
City Council members Kate Wants, Suzy
Will, and Nina Does shown here at the
last council meeting at Walt's, will be on
hand to get things done.
The mayor and council hope to get a lot accomplished tonight and will issue a full report when time permits.  A secondary item on the agenda is the national presidential debates coming up in the coming months.  Channel 1 News will keep you abreast.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

CHANNEL 1 NEWS WINS JOUNALISM GOLD AT OLMYPICS

Dave Taylor and the Queen
Channel 1 News won a prestigious golden medallion for reporting the back stories of the 2012 London Olympics.  Dave Taylor met in a private ceremony with her highness the Queen on Sunday evening after the close of the Olympics.  They shared their favorite stories of the past week and did shots of "TNT", a mixture of tea and tequila, before sitting down to a dinner of Possum Tart Pie and Blood Pudding.  Dave was served a side order of French Fries at his request. 
Channel 1 News filed 312 stories covering the Olympics, which were aired on British TV.  The publics' favorite had to do with a beach volleyball bikini contest, which was held after hours in the Athlete's Village.  Dave Taylor was the honorary judge and gave the prize to the hard working Brazilian team.  He reported to the Queen, "They did what they had to do to win!"  
Dave and the Channel 1 News team were then invited to Rio in 2016. 
All in all it was a productive week for all.
Brasil won the Bikini Contest


Saturday, August 4, 2012

OLYMPIC SLAP OFF RESULTS ARE IN

Channel 1 News was unable to report the results of yesterday's Slap Off between the Russians and Chinese because of timing issues.  The bout between Suzi Sling and Bustus Balsoff had just gotten into the meat of the match when we had to file our Olympic report to meet a deadline.
Bustus Balsoff stares in disbelief after
the referee stopped the slap off.
To complete this story, the match lasted for two hours, twelve minutes, and four seconds before Italian referee Tony Baloney ended the match, declaring a double technical on both athletes. A technical is called when an athlete gets a bruise or cut.
"I had him, but judge let him get away."
The Russian, Balsoff, told Channel 1 News, "I was wanting that Gold Medal and now I have to wait four more year.  This not bruise on face, just make up."  The Chinese contender, Suzy Sling was hauled out of the arena on a stretcher, fighting the EMTs all the way.  She later told Channel 1 News from the hospital, "I had him, but the judge let him get away."  She was put into a medically induced coma to get her on the plane home.  Olympic officials insured Channel 1 News, that these two would meet again in four years, with no holds barred.  Channel 1 News will be there.

Friday, August 3, 2012

RUSSIA AND CHINA FACE OFF IN OLYMPIC SLAP OFF

The Chinese Slap Champion getting
ready to take on the Russian Champion.
At breakfast she told her coach,
"I'm feeling slap happy!"
As reported last night, the Chinese Slap champion, Suzi Sling defeated the UK's Dunny Bumbs with a quick slap to his right cheek, catching Bumbs throwing a kiss to his girlfriend in the crowd.  His lip immediately puffed up and the officials stopped the round and declared Bumbs unable to continue.  Sling did a half back flip in celebration earning herself a warning from the judges. 
This morning she bound into the slapping arena, apparently fired up to take on the Russian champion Bustis Balsoff.  Channel 1 News learned that the two have been sending hate tweets to each other and were cautioned by Olympic officials that undignified and slanderous tweets could land them in the same boat as the Greek track star, expulsion from the games.  Both slappers were disciplined by their coaches by having their faces slapped.
Sling catches Balsoff by surprise with
a right hand to the face.
At 9 A.M. sharp the two met for the first time in the center slapping arena and locked eyes.  Balsoff looked like he was trying to hold back a drool, as he kept wiping the corner of his mouth with his shirt sleeve.  Sling squinted her eyes at him, sizing him up for a good slapping.  The international rules were given to them in eaches' native language.  Balsoff was swaying from foot to foot as Sling continued her beady stare.  At 9:01 the bell rang and the Russian Balsoff, gave Sling a surprise scissors slap to her cheeks, causing her eyes to snap shut.  But they were only shut for an instant.  She countered with a surprise of her own, literally slapping the smile off the Russian's face.  The Chinese in the crowd roared with approval. 
Channel 1 News covered the match until our deadline for transmitting this story arrived.  We will get you the results of this "blood" match as soon as the results are released.  Have a great day where ever you are reading this......Dave Taylor, Channel 1 News.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

OLYMPIC SLAP OFF TAKES CENTER RING

England's Dunny Bumbs takes an opening
slap in Thursday's slap off, from China's
Suzi Sling.  Bumbs got a fat lip and was
declared the loser.
With all the competition being covered at this year's Olympics, sometimes the less popular sports get minimal attention.  One such sport is Slapping and this year a dozen or so countries have slapping contestants hoping to slap their way to the gold!  Channel 1 News managed to talk to some of the athletes between slap offs. Russian born slapper, Bustis Balsoff sat down with Dave Taylor and talked about the sport.
DT:  Mr. Balsoff, how did you get into sports slapping?
BB:  You call me Bustus.  I start young, Papa show me how to slap face. I practice on brother Neko until he run away from home.
DT: This sounds like a violent sport, Bustus. Did your young brother come back home?
BB:  You Americans have, what is it, Football?  That violent, slapping just sting a little. Neko is male ballet dancer now.
DT: Do you think you have a chance at the Gold?
BB:  I think so, yes, but I don't really care.  Just to get in the ring and trade slaps is all I want.  With that his coach motioned for him to get back to the training center.
Bustus Balsoff, reining Russian
Slapping champion.

In the first round China's Suzi Sling had her way with England's Dunny Bumbs, giving him a fat lip in the second round.  The official ruled the contest over and Ms. Sling moves to the next round.  She will meet Bustus Balsoff tomorrow at 9 A.M.  She told Channel 1 News, "That Russian has got the kind of face that makes me want to slap the (expletive) out of it!"  It should be a good contest and  Channel 1 News will be there.

Monday, July 30, 2012

MORE OLYMPIC SURPRISES

Exclusive report by Dave Taylor
With the 2012 Olympics now in full swing, Channel 1 News is working overtime to keep you, the news starved public, informed.  To do this, I your eyes and ears at the Olympics, will forgo sleep to get you the news that will feed your need to know.  The following story was brought to my attention late last night.

The most popular cereal at the Games.
In an effort to appease the worlds athletes in the Olympic Village, the British Olympic committee has made breakfast time, the most exciting time of the day.  Leave it to our friends in the UK to use such a novel approach. A new breakfast cereal called Royal Crunch is being served at all 240 breakfast kiosks in the village.  It is packaged in individual serve boxes, each displaying a picture of a previous English King or Queen.  The village athletes are clamoring for this cereal and Channel 1 News wanted to know why.  As it turns out, the reason is what may be in the box other than the crunchy cereal.  One out of every three boxes contains a small plastic replica of a gold medal, increasing the odds of getting "A Gold Medal" at the Olympics. It is relieving much stress throughout village, making the games more enjoyable for all.

Channel 1 News will continue to uncover more stories like this one in the coming days. Enjoy your day.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

BRIDGE PARK TO HOLD 2012 OLYMPICS II ?

Hoping to cash in on the success of the 2012 Olympics currently underway in London, Bridge Park Mayor Ben Dover called a special city council meeting Saturday night.  As Dave Taylor is in London, Channel 1 News reporter Ilene Ova filed this report.
According to the Mayor, the Olympics always has more non winners than winners and the Mayor hopes to work that to the advantage of our fair city.  In his vision, Bridge Park would host what would be billed as the  2012 Olympics II, where all the non medal winners would compete in their chosen fields to win prizes and gifts donated by area merchants.  The "games" would be held at the City Athletic Field with an opening and closing ceremony akin to what is taking place in London at present.  In addition, he suggested building a huge bonfire out by the lake, to mimic the Olympic torch.
Due to City Hall being closed for floor waxing this weekend, the special council meeting was called to order just after 9 P.M. last evening, in the party room at Maxine's Pub on 4th St.  All council members were present and each enjoyed a beverage as Mayor Dover explained his vision.
An agreement is reached as council
members discuss holding an Olympics II
The Mayor gave a rousing presentation, detailing how Bridge Park would benefit with the sudden flood of  athletes, news media, and spectators, explaining how the increased restaurant and hotel business alone would increase tenfold.  "We'll turn our city into a Mecca!" he could be heard shouting from the closed room.  The council members got caught up in the excitement and a plan was hatched just after midnight, with discussions going on into the early morning hours.  If plans can be finalized by Tuesday, Mayor Dover hopes to make an announcement to the press to generate awareness and excitement to the world.  "We'd even invite the Queen over here to be Grand Marshal in a parade!" Dover added. 
City Council member Pat Downs told Channel 1 News, "Mayor Dover may not be the best mayor we've ever had, but he can take the grandest jubilee and make it a common event."  Channel 1 News will continue to follow this story.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

2012 OLYMPIC SURPRISE BRAT FEED AND BEER BUST


After the opening ceremonies the Germans
hosted a surprise brat feed with beer and all.
Last evening's 2012 Olympic opening ceremony created quite a bit of excitement around the world as more than one billion people watched on TV. By the end of the ceremony, it had caused quite a bit of hunger also, as witnessed by Channel 1 News. No sooner had the television coverage ended, when the German delegation brought in a semi load of homeland cured bratwurst. Hungry Olympians lined up with sharpened sticks in hand to take turns roasting brats over the giant lighted Olympic Torch. Soon a second truck pulled up, filled with chilled German beer. Before long the singing started and new friends were made. The Olympics got off to a good start. Channel 1 News were there until the wee hours and will continue to bring you the behind the scenes stories. 


New friends tipped a few before curfew.

Friday, July 27, 2012

SUMMER OLYMPICS GET UNDER WAY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DAVE TAYLOR

Dave Taylor takes the torch the last 50
feet before handing it off to officials.
Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor made news himself in London Friday, as he carried the Olympic torch the last 50 feet up to the giant cauldron.  In a rare display of unemotional emotion, he winked  and gave the Queen a thumbs up as he passed the royal viewing stand and a cheering crowd.  Channel 1 News cameraman, Dugg Deap tweeted that Dave's lip was quivering, but he held his emotions in check even as the Bulgarian Trapeze team threw kisses his way.  "I haven't felt this good since I learned to tie my shoes," Taylor said afterwards,  "I'll remember this moment for weeks."  Taylor and a small group of cameramen from Channel 1 News, left Bridge Park Thursday to cover the 2012 games.  For a while the trip was in jeopardy when the front office mistakenly booked passage on a cruise ship instead of getting airline tickets.  The ship would not have arrived in London until the games were ending.  Bridge Park Private Air Service learned of the mix up and offered to fly Dave and crew, ending an office panic.
Taylor learned he would be carrying the torch after his name was selected from a group of influential news anchors from around the world.  His story last year about teaching the late Michael Jackson to moon walk, catapulted him into the national news reporters spotlight.
A Who's Who of celebs.
Dave plans to report many events over the course of the games. News you won't get anywhere else.  Get ready to get the full story here at Channel 1 News.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

BRIDGE PARK TO HOLD FIRST EVER SUMMER SNOW PLOW RODEO

Bridge Park's street crew line up for this
picture taken for the  insurance company.
In an effort to increase summer tourism in Bridge Park, the city council met last night, in a special session.  After what Mayor Ben Dover called a "serious brain banging session",  the council chose to listen to an idea by city employee, Betser Off, to get the snow plows out and have "an old fashioned snow plow rodeo".  After some intense discussion, the council recessed for happy hour across the street at Duke's Tap.  Upon returning to the council chambers in a lighter mood, they voted unanimously on the idea and a committee was formed to get the ball rolling.
Morale at the city shed rose by 150% according to a poll taken by Channel 1 News, when employees learned of the upcoming competition. "We hate getting called out in the cold Winter months," said employee Betser Off,  "but this will be so cool, cool get it? Not cold." he added with a grin.
This was the initial course drawn up by
city planner, Imone Topper 
A course will be set up in the city lot near the Fair Grounds, and the event will be held sometime in August.  A planned contest course is being drawn up by the city planner and local ice companies are busy making extra ice for the two day contest.
Advertisement for this super event will be out soon.  Until then Channel 1 News will have the exclusive information about this event. (Rumor has it, that Santa Claus will make a surprise visit to start the "games".)

Friday, July 20, 2012

CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S DAVE TAYLOR MISTAKEN FOR SANTA CLAUS

In an odd set of circumstances, Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor has been mistaken for Santa Claus.  Earlier this week a person claiming to be Santa, launched an Internet campaign to announce his intentions to make himself available for  "Santa visits" this holiday season.  Not to promote this business endeavor, Channel 1 News will only say, this gentleman has references and will be available for Christmas parties and in-home visits, for a nominal fee.
This picture was posted with the
"Santa Visits" campaign in his
face book profile page.
Someone seeing the posted picture of Santa Claus made a remark that the man in the picture looked like or resembled Dave Taylor.  This started a rash of calls to the Channel 1 News office, causing Dave to hide out in his office.  Although he was not offended in any way, it brought back memories of previous mistaken identity situations in which he was forced to prove his true identity.  Readers who follow Dave Taylor, will recall these incidents.  The first one was in the 1980s when Dave was mistaken for Elvis and was mobbed by the Dallas Cheerleaders in a Bridge Park Mall.  He suffered a scratched face and bruises about his buttocks.  Then in the mid 90's at the Bridge Park Airport, he was mistakenly thought to be Michael Jackson. As he waited for a flight, being a fan of Michael's, he was practicing doing the moon walk and was attacked by autograph seekers.  He barely made it onto a waiting plane.  He was also pegged as Bill Clinton during the last presidential campaign and rushed by angry relatives of Monica Lewinsky.  His body guard was able to get him out of their grasps and his true identity was once again proven to those involved.
Dave Taylor in a file photo. "I
guess I just got a face that causes
people to get confused."
With this latest identity mistake, Dave told Channel 1 News, "I guess I just got a face that causes people to get confused.  I'm honored though to be mistaken as Santa Claus, my first thought was ho, ho, ho!"  Dave wishes the man behind the white beard the best of luck and encourages people to visit his face book page for ways to contact him.  Channel 1 News will follow this story for future developments.

Friday, July 13, 2012

BRIDGEPORT CITIZENS DEMAND RECALL OF MAYOR

For the first time in Bridgeport history a large group of citizens have formed a committee to seek the removal of a sitting Mayor.  The committee, called F. U. for  "Fed Up" is seeking a recall vote to coincide with this fall's presidential elections.
Sidewalk toll meters, like this one are to be
installed every 50 feet on  Bridge Park sidewalks.
What sparked the forming of this committee and its irate behavior is the recent city tax imposed by Mayor Ben Dover and the city council.  As first reported by Channel 1 News two days ago, Mayor Dover oversaw the passage of a 2.5% city tax on all sales withing the city limits, as well as a toll on all roads.  The straw that broke the camels back however was the toll placed on anyone walking about town.  Toll collection meters are to be placed every 50 feet on all sidewalks.  Much like parking meters, the walking meters take nickles, dimes, quarters, and newly added swipe slots for debit/credit cards.  Citizens will also have the option to punch in a code number to have the toll fee added to their water bill.  Code numbers may be purchased in advance on the city's Craigslist site. 
Mayor Dover defended using the toll meters for walkers by telling Channel 1 News, "This sort of tax will only cost you if you are out walking.  Even then, someone walking from one end of down town to the other, would only have to shell out $18.47.  If you wish to not pay the tax, stay home." 
These statements made from a public podium in front of City Hall, caused an uproar of disapproval from an angry crowd who began throwing rotten fruit towards the Mayor.  Police were called in and the crowd was dispersed.
Oyah Moore, center addresses
citizens at a recall the mayor meeting.
"I smell a rat!"
F.U. committee spokeswoman and former city council member, Oyah Moore called for citizens everywhere to come together to protest the Mayor and his new tax.  "This tax is a result of the Mayor and three of his council members wanting to go to the Bahamas this Winter under the pretense of business!  Well I know what kind of business their planning!"  When asked to elaborate, she made a gesture bending her arms upwards and using her hands to scratch her armpits, "Monkey business! We need to get this guy out of office!" 

It should be noted however, Moore was an avid supporter of the Mayor up in till she learned she would not be making the Bahama trip with the Mayor and other council members.  Last Winter you may recall, she accompanied the Mayor on a month long fact finding mission to Hawaii.
Channel 1 News will continue to follow this story as it progresses.