Monday, April 23, 2012

LOCAL MAN LOSES MONEY IN FISH SCAM

Abe Whopper thinks about what could
have been.
Abraham Whopper 58, of Bridgeport is poorer today after learning the fish stick farm he had invested in, was a falsehood. "I guess I'm the fish here." he told Channel 1 News. Whopper said he was approached in January by a man calling himself Jack Klisstoe who told him he had plans to open and manage a huge fish stick breeding farm south of Bridgeport. Whopper had always wondered where fish sticks came from and was soon hooked. He invested and as they say, the rest is history.
The small pond Whopper was taken to
that was to be used for fish stick farming.
He dished out $5000 to Klisstoe, who took him to a small pond fifteen miles south of the city.  There they sat in Klisstoe's automobile and Whopper was told the pond would be chuck full of fish stick fish come Spring.  Whopper was then told that the money they made on the fish stick farm would be invested in a boneless chicken ranch and by this time next year his financial worries would be over.  Whopper said he cried tears of joy all the way back to town. 
His happiness was short lived however, when he saw of picture of Klisstoe at the Post Office yesterday.  Klisstoe was wanted in three different states for selling moon beams.  Bridgeport police were  alerted to this scam and want to warn everyone in Channel 1 News land to be careful.  Police Chief O.K. Roger told Channel 1 News, "Scam artists are not always honest.  Anyone approached by one should always ask for references."
Channel 1 News will post Scam Alerts as they come into the office.

SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW....MILES TOGO, WILL GO



Miles Togo sporting his new
face tattoo.
By Dave Taylor

Local adventurer, Miles Togo, announced today he will attempt to fly over a rainbow this Spring. Channel 1 News learned he has wanted to do this since  hearing Judy Garland sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in "The Wizard of Oz".
Togo gained notoriety last year when, while attempting to find a needle in a haystack at the McDonald farm, he uncovered a pound of marijuana hidden in the hay. As a result, old McDonald's son, was carted off to jail.
Miles Togo and "Rainbow Rider"
Togo has now begun twenty four hour contact with the weather bureau in order to be alerted of any thunder storms, which would hopefully spawn a rainbow. "I'm ready to go!" he said.  His biggest fear right now is a very rare night rainbow.  He explained to Channel 1 News, "Even though scientist say night rainbows aren't possible, I'm still not sure. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they're not there."  Togo would much rather fly over a rainbow during the daylight hours.  He has purchased an army surplus SR12 rocket, which he has dubbed the "Rainbow Rider".  "It has enough power to pull me up and over a rainbow and I'm excited."  When asked why he wanted to do this, he could only grin.  "Just be sure the Ripley Brothers are there with a camera."  Experts rate his chances at slim to none, to which Togo only smirks.  Channel 1 News will be there with our eyes to the skys.



Saturday, April 21, 2012

CHANNEL 1 NEWS RECEIVES PRESTIGIOUS AWARD



Dave Taylor holding the prize.
"I plan to put a light in this baby
 so it shines on everyone!"
From the news wire.
 The Channel 1 News team learned Thursday it had won a prestigious news reporting award for reporting news other news sources failed to report. News anchor Dave Taylor attended a gala event last night at the Bridgeport Casino Hotel, where he was presented with the  paper award and a two foot tall crystal ball trophy.  Taylor, who has a gift for speaking his mind, was caught off guard and stumbled for words in his acceptance speech.  He quickly regained his composure and told the audience of his peers, "It's, it's heavier than I thought it would be."  After a round of applause he continued, "I've never held a crystal trophy this big. This trophy prepresents our clear vision in this cluttered world.  We see things others don't. I humbly accept this for everyone at Channel 1 News, the reporters, camera operator, janitor, night watchman, and the lunch room lady.  I plan to put a light bulb in this baby, so it shines on everyone!"

Channel 1 News Staff in undated photo
Taylor was still all smiles this morning after a night of hooting, hollering, and backslapping at the award ceremony.  He arrived at the office and was met by a joyous staff.  He promptly declared  Monday would be a holiday for everyone except himself.  Taylor never takes a day off.  Channel 1 News hopes to continue bringing you the news you'll not find elsewhere and welcomes your comments.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

LOCAL TREE HUGGING CLUB BECOMING BOARD CERTIFIED

By Dave Taylor
Local tree huggers holding group hug
You may belong to or have heard about the Tree Hugging Clubs that are taking root around the country. Soon Bridgepark will have it's own chapter, according to Woody Squeezer, National Tree Hugging Club President. Channel 1 News learned that local residents in need of a big hug, purchased the abandoned old saw mill on Limb St. and applied for certification as a Tree Hugging chapter. They then started a membership drive with a group hug in Cherry Tree Park.
Most huggers have their own favorite tree
Early this morning the Bridgepark club received word from the National Charter that they had been approved. Election of officers will be held this weekend, followed by a barbecue and a dance. A large turnout is expected. Channel 1 News will be there, knock on wood.

Monday, April 16, 2012

FIVE GUYS, FRIENDS, HELP RESTORE BREWERIES

By Dave Taylor
On Saturday an old man and his four sons set out to have a quite dinner party and discuss family matters and world affairs.  These five guys from Bridge Park, soon realized their destiny was not about nibbling on burgers and pizza or about discussing the comfort of boxer shorts vs briefs.  No one was sure what set things in motion, perhaps it was the mention of workers layed off at a brewery that caused a sobering and immediate call to duty.  The five put on their game faces and with the welcome help of three friends of one of the sons, began an assault on the sagging economy!
They marched out of the eatery, each determined to do his part, knowing the pain they would feel come Sunday morning.  The important thing was to focus on brewery workers and their need to work.  The agenda was set, go from bar to bar and club to club, downing as much cold beer as possible.  Even the youngest of the sons, who does not normally drink beer, did his part and drank through gritted teeth.
The crowds grew as the evening progressed, yet these eight soldiers of good fortune, drank and howled, drank and laughed, drank and danced.  It was one for all and all for one more! 

The battle was intense and for a time called for
extreme measures, as shown here. 
One wonders where time goes in times like these.  Before long the bars forced the battle to end, sending these combatants into the streets.  With voices nearly gone and bellies full of beer, these battle weary marauders for economic justice, stumbled out into a rainy night, knowing they had survived what they called "Man Night"!  As they stumbled to find taxi cabs to take them away from the battlefield, each knew that someone far off would get the call to come back to work.  
Channel 1 News learned that as a result of the brave actions of these men, as many as two breweries were able to restart a 3rd shift and call numerous people back to work.  Mission accomplished!
Channel 1 News finds comfort in being able to report heartwarming stories like this one and will continue to search for others like it.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

BRIDGEPARK CALENDAR FULL OF EXCITEMENT

By Dave Taylor
With another weekend here, one can realize how quickly the year 2012 is progressing. Channel 1 News took a look at the City calendar and noted some of the high lights of the upcoming events and festivities slated for our fair city.
The end of June brings the always fun and exciting Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator contest to Bridgepark. Last years winner, Otto Parker promised to "be back" this year.
Parker, as you will remember beat out the other contestants with his uncanny voice impersonations.  His best line to the judges was, "Comon ahssholes, don't make me tuern yu upside down an bounce yu like a ruba bawl!"  He was also a favorite at the local watering holes, where he yodled for drinks and held his breath until turning blue.

Last year's Arnold winner, Otto
Parker, shown here telling the press
"I'll be back!"
August will thrust Bridgepark into the national spotlight while hosting the Simples Party Presidental Convention.  Simple candidate Normel Ornot, hopes to clinch his parties endorsement before then, but he is up against Lucy Buns, who is as simple as her party gets.  Just one week after this convention ends, the new Kiss Party will then hold their convention in Bridgepark.  Channel 1 News will be very busy covering these stories.

Friday, April 13, 2012

MAN SUES STRIP CLUB

By Dave Taylor

Sucha Luzer left, on his first visit to the strip club.
 "All I could smell was glue!" he exclaimed.
A Bridge Park man filed suit today against the Woodpeckers Strip Club located on Lower Boom St.  Sucha Luzer, 54 brought the suit against the business when he learned he had joined a home improvement club and not a "gentleman's club".  Attempts to retrieve his initial club dues failed, sparking the law suit.
Betty Wood, club president found the incident humorous.  "We run a wood shop here with emphasis on stripping hard wood.  It sounds like Mr. Luzer was looking for hard wood in a different manner."  According to Hard Wood Delites, a magazine for carpenters and wood workers, patrons pay a $50 up front fee for club membership at Woodpeckers and learn stripping tips from expert wood strippers.  Luzer said he was led to believe, by joining he would get hands on, up close attention.  Nothing was said that he would be working with wood.  To make matters worse, he is allergic to wood glue.  

Club president, Betty Wood
gets ready to strip a plank.
The club has been operating since 1999 and was highlighted in the book, Knothole Strategies for Beginners, as well as having a location at Buzzes Strip Mall in uptown Bridge Park. 
The case will come to trial this summer. Luzer told Channel 1 News, "All I want is my money back and I'll get it, knock on wood!"
Channel 1 News will be there from gavel to gavel.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

FIRST CASE OF SPRING FEVER DOCUMENTED

By Dave Taylor

Knot holing is discouraged within the city.
Bridgepark General Hospital officials are gearing up for an epidemic of Spring Fever patients. "The next few weeks will be the worst."  hospital spokesman Gill Tee told Channel 1 News. "Although Cabin Fever cases were down this year due to the warm winter, Spring Fever is always unpredictable."
With the warmest March in history, the first few extreme cases are emerging ahead of schedule. Dareem Weaver 24, of Dare Village, was the first reported case when he was found "hugging" a limb,  in a tree. Efforts to get him to come down were unsuccessful and the fire department was called along with a Bridgeport Police negotiator. After negotiations failed, the man was tased and lowered down with the assistance of a boom truck. Weaver was then transported to Bridgepark General and listed as the season's first Spring Fever sufferer.
There was only a two week interim this year between the change over from Cabin to Spring Fever. On March 29, Ivan Stucinhouse 59, of Bridgepark was released from the hospital after a near fatal case of Cabin Fever. Stucinhouse had tried to eat himself to death to rid himself of boredom. He ate non stop for three days until a pizza delivery girl called 911. Medical officials came and hauled him to the hospital.
Ivan Stucinhouse wanted to eat himself to death.
Life in Bridgepark goes on, and Channel 1 News is here to report it.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

CITY POOL OPENS WITH A SPLASH!

The swim season starts early for 2012
By Dave Taylor
The City of Bridgepark opened the municipal pool early this year much to the approval of the opening day crowd.  Simon Simpel, City Pool Manager, was not surprised to see the pool full of splashers on opening day. A free hot dog is given on day one, with paid attendance. With air temps in the low 50s, the pool heater was on max, to keep swimmers goose bumps at bay.  Simpel, who has been pool manager for 22 years, told Channel 1 News, "It was so exciting to see the pool fill up so quickly.  Our life guard almost panicked, but settled down after lunch."
The pool will be open daily from noon to midnight. Swimwear will be required this year and also will be available to rent.  Channel 1 News will bring you updates as the season progresses.

Monday, April 9, 2012

THINKERS ANONYMOUS CHAPTER OPENS IN BRIDGEPARK

By Dave Taylor
Dr. Yard Dart, "Think less, be more!"

Have you been thinking to yourself lately?  Do you find yourself thinking about important topics when you should be day dreaming?  Are you using your brain to solve problems at work in stead of joining in on office antics with your co-workers?  Have you been spending spare time thinking of ways to improve your family life?  If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may be what some experts call "a deep thinker".  "It's nothing to be ashamed of", says Dr. Yard Dart, an advocate of  Thinkers Anonymous.  "Thinking can be controlled.  Many who suffer from, what I call deep thinking, can be made thoughtless, by using our program."
Dr. Dart, at a luncheon yesterday told Channel 1 News, "Thinkers Anonymous is a simple 3 step program that can help thinkers rein in their thoughts without the use of drugs or hypnosis."

Dr. Dart, while lounging around the City Hotel swimming pool yesterday, talked freely of the new Thinkers Anonymous Chapter with Channel 1 News. "Concentration and deep thinking can happen anywhere.  Signs to watch for are those with the T.V. turned off, with their heads and eyes focused downward or those reading the newspaper.  As thinking progresses, they may be found visiting a library and/or reading a book.  It's a surefire way to alienate yourself from your co-workers or the general public. Thanks to Thinkers Anonymous, I was able to "come out" and be myself again."
 
After a quick game of water darts with two  bikini clad young ladies, he continued.  "Now where was I?  Oh yes, Thinkers Anonymous.  The chapter here in Bridgepark will open this week and I encourage anyone reading this who may wonder if they have a problem, to come to a meeting.  What have you got to lose?  Learn to relax all over again, I promise you'll  be thoughtless in no time!"

The Bridgepark chapter will hold meetings in the old lard factory on 9th Street, on Tuesday night anytime after 7 P.M.  Channel 1 News will be there.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

ON THE ROAD IN KARAOKE HEAVEN!

Big Joe and Lady M
By Dave Taylor
It's Easter Sunday and with all the festivities and significance of today, I am reminded of a week ago when I and the Channel 1 News team were in Karaoke Heaven. What began as a road assignment to investigate road rage, ended belting out "It's Only Rock and Roll" at the karaoke mike, in a small, cat fish serving VFW club in Bettendorf.
With the promise of a back stage pass, my assistant and I being as incognito as possible, arrived at the club just after 6:30 P.M. We were allowed to sit at the table right next to the Karaoke Kingpin, Big Joe and his lovely wife, Lady M. They were dining on what looked like Mississippi caught cat fish and discussing final details for the impending show. As I sat there in awe, Big Joe turned to me and smiled. Right then and there I knew I was in Karaoke heaven and in the presence of it's creator. I realized what Jake and Elwood, the Blues Brothers must have felt like when they entered the Triple Rock Baptist Church and Jake saw the light. Big Joe extended his hand and gave me a wink. He knew who I was and yet allowed me to keep my anonymity. It was a religious experince.
We chatted like relatives who had not seen each other in years until the faithful began pouring in. I soon was rubbing shoulders with others who like me, had come to "see the light" and sing on or off key, into the night. As Big Joe and Lady M took center stage and got the show rolling, preformers like Danny and Stan brought the house down, singing notes I could only dream of hitting. You can only imagine how I felt when I was asked to join them. My conversion to Karaoke was completed when I met and conversed with young ladies like Cathy, Rosalie, and Angie, who had also come to celebrate the night. It was a fantastic night of Karaoke.
Big Joe, DT, Dan, and Stan at center stage.

I sang until the wee hours (which for me is about 11 p.m.) and then departed. I had a deadline to meet and with me it's always business before pleasure. I am however a changed person and will forever remember my night in Big Joe's Karaoke Heaven.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

WEEKEND EDITION: WHAT'S NEW AT JELLO FEST

By Dave Taylor
Weekends in Bridgepark are always special with the various concerts, art shows, and sporting events taking place.  This weekend finds Bridgepark in the spotlight again, thanks to a group of Jello enthusiast holding a "Jello Fest" in the Dessert Room at the Moonbeam Motel.  According to group spokesman, R. U. Num, this year's Fest is focused on various recipes incorporating items, that can be added to Jello to enhance this "desert extraordinaire!" 
 Connoisseurs at last year's Jello Fest
Jello connoisseurs and novices alike began dishing up their entries for the judges early this morning. Entrys encluded Lima beans in Lime Jello, sweet pickle chips in Lemon Jello, Pearl onions in Strawberry Jello, and a surprise enty, Jello Pancakes.  Although these recipes may distant some gelatin lovers, fest goers were salivating.
The doors opened just after 8 A.M. with the children's musical group The Wiggles playing in the backround.  Fest goers filed in, eyeballing the Jello treats waiting for them on long rows of tables.  Channel 1 News anchor, Dave Taylor was MC for the event, he is an avid Jello fan and is working the event pro-bono.  Over a thousand fest goers are expected to attend and with the Dessert Room at the Moonbeam Motel only rated to accommodate 800 guests, seating has been arranged in the parking area outside.  A jumbo screen will show the outdoor "festers" the proceedings as they happen inside.
With the over 40 new entries this year most connoisseurs agree, this year's winning entry will be the Spaghetti Jello, shown here being "inhaled" by Judge Willie Burp. "It's so flavorful, I couldn't put it down", Judge Burp told Channel 1 News, "It tastes just like chicken, yet wiggles!" 
First prize money will be awarded tonight at a banquet in the Grand Hall of the Motel.  The winning Jello will be served for dessert.  Left overs will be auctioned off.  Channel 1 News will be there.

Spaghetti Jello, "It tastes just like chicken,
and you can eat it with a fork"!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

GIANT SNIPE FOUND IN CITY SEWER

Sewer Snipe
By Dave Taylor

Bridgepark public works director, Peter Waxer reported finding a giant snipe stuck in the main sewer line under City Hall.  After fielding complaints for two weeks of a bad smell coming from City Hall, Waxer decided to investigate.
On Wednesday a city plumber donned special sewer diving gear and flushed himself down into the city sewer system.  Lead Plumber, Lester Gunk took the photo shown at right of the giant snipe.  It was his first encounter with a live snipe and found it to be lodged in the pipe directly below the council chambers.  Efforts to free the snipe were unsuccessful and permission to destroy the giant snipe will be needed, as the snipe is on the endangered and protected species list. Mayor Ben Dover is out of town on a monkey buying trip and not unavailable to request the permission needed to destroy the snipe.  City Councilperson, Justa Teaser told Channel 1 News the Mayor has been contacted and as soon as he is finished with his monkey business, he will fly home to take care of the problem at hand.
In the mean time city visitors to City Hall will have to put up with the smell.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH NEAR SAYS BRIDGEPORT DOCTOR


Richard Slick before
taking BS2, was feeling old,
tired, and bored.



After taking BS2, Slick's face
took on a new glow and claimed
his wife and her sister fought
over him.
Channel 1 News has learned of a medical breakthrough that will not only change the way you feel, but change the way you look.  Doctor Gowid Daflo of the Bridgeport Special Hospital of Hope met with the news media just after 6 P.M. today to announce his new breakthrough in recreational drugs.  Called Bright Spectrum 2 or BS2 by hospital candy stripers, this powerful new drug works in just minutes.  
Volunteer Richard Slick, 45 of Bridgeport was admitted to BSHH Tuesday evening, feeling old, tired, and bored. After a short exam and breakfast, he was given a double dose of BS2 shortly before noon today and by 3 P.M. staffers noted a dramatic change in his appearance and demeanor.
"I feel like a new man!" he exclaimed. "I almost feel perfect."  A simple blood test confirmed he was the same person DNA wise.  Within an hour he was hired to star in the soap opera Passion Cowboys.  Dr. Daflo told Channel 1 News, he was unsure how long the effects would last and that he also worried about the plastic texture of the skin on the subject.  He warned Mr. Slick to stay out of the hot sun and away from heat lamps.
Channel 1 News will update you in the coming weeks.

EASTER EGGS MISSING, EASTER BUNNY PISSED OFF

Peter Cottontail upon learning of the missing eggs.
The Bridgeport annual Easter Egg Hunt is in jeopardy this year and Peter Cottontail the Easter Bunny,  is pissed, to put in mildly. The colored eggs came up missing from their storage basket at the Easter Basket Cafe, on East Bunny Trail. EB Cafe proprietor, Red Fox told Channel 1 News, "I'm dumbfounded, all the eggs were in one basket and now their gone! My wife warned me about keeping the eggs in one basket and I didn't listen." Peter Cottontail who owns and hides the eggs each year, was beside himself upon learning of the missing eggs. "I can't believe the eggs are missing, this really pisses me off! Now the real hunt begins!"
The missing Easter eggs.
As for the children of Bridgeport, Saturday was to be the big day. The eggs were to be hidden in and around KFC Park. Mayor Pat McGroin promises the eggs will be found in time for the hunt to go off as planned. "The city police are professionals and have been hunting Easter eggs their whole lives, it should be an easy case to crack." he said. "Their chances of finding the eggs are a dozen to one. If not, Plan B will be put in place." When asked what plan B was, he would not comment. Meanwhile Mr. Cottontail was becoming more outraged by the hour. "My livelihood is in jeopardy!" he ranted. "First I had to dodge open hunting season, and now this!"
The eggs are various colors, oblong, and have been hard boiled. If you find them, you are asked to call the Bridgepark Police station or the Easter Basket Cafe. A free breakfast buffet is being offered to the person finding the eggs as well as an autographed egg from Humpty Dumpty. Channel 1 News will keep you updated.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

ELVIS SIGHTING IN BRIDGEPARK!!

Elvis Pretzel?
A Dave Taylor Exclusive....

Mavis Dozett, 67 of Bridgepark claims to have found a likeness of Elvis in a bag of pretzels she purchased at Pormart. Dozett's daughter, Betty, 47 told Channel 1 News her mother was watching T.V. and munching on the pretzels when she felt the bag move.
"She gave out a scream and dropped the pound bag on the floor." Ms. Dozett went on to explain, "I came into the room and Mom was white as a ghost." I asked her what happened and she said, "There's something in my pretzels!" We picked up the bag and peeked in and it was Elvis in the shape of a pretzel grinning out at us!
The elder Doszett reached in and lifted the twisted likeness out of the bag and placed it on the coffee table. "It was almost hot to the touch" she said. "We quickly got a camera and took a picture because we knew that no one would believe us." She went on to tell Channel 1 News, "Everything went to hell after that. Buddy, our old hound dog came into the room and before we could stop him, ate the pretzel!
Mavis and Betty Dozett spent the rest of the day going through the pretzels looking for another likeness, without any luck. "At least we have the picture!" they said in unison.
Old Buddy "Nothin' but a Hound Dog"
This is the forth time Elvis has been sighted in or around Bridge Park, but the first time he's been in a bag of pretzels.  Channel 1 News will keep you updated.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

APRIL FOOLS DAY PARADE TO BE HELD AS PROMISED

Bridgepark April Fools Day Parade
By Dave Taylor, Channel 1 News

After weeks of planning, today's April Fools Day Parade will take place on the streets and in the alleys of Bridgepark. Floats and farm machinery are being strategically placed in order to allow parade geeks the best possible parade to view. Parade promoter and long time Bridgepark resident, Justin Between was all smiles early this morning after learning that both Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny will get to share the same float. It was learned last week that Santa Claus had an allergy to eggs and that due to contractual language, the Easter Bunny could not be seen in public without Easter eggs. Thanks to the diligent effort of Patty Wacker, a professional consultant on such issues, a solution was negotiated that appeased all parties concerned. Details of the solution were unavailable at this printing.
As in past years, the April Fools Day parade will bring out the "Who's Who" of Bridgepark. Newly elected Mayor of Bridgepark, Pat McGroin will be on hand, riding in the last float along with his current and former wife, Tilly and Touchie. The women are sisters and both know the Mayor well. Other notables are Willy Bark, winner of this year's Sponge Bob look-a-like contest, and Shirley U. Dew, the former Miss Eye Candy.
Parade officials also promise fourteen high school marching bands, twenty assorted farm tractors, and the Famous Pretzel Brothers acrobat team, who promise to put a new twist into their act.
Parade promoter, Between also promised that unlike last year, the parade will be held as promised. Last year you may recall, the parade was nothing more than a April Fools Day joke and was not held, causing riots and looting.Channel 1 News will be there either way.