Sunday, May 20, 2012

BULLET PROOF VEST FAILS SECOND TEST IN A ROW

 The following story never saw the light of day after the NRA killed the story. (No pun intended)



NEWS CAMERAS WERE BANNED FROM THE FIRING RANGE EVEN THOUGH FOOD VENDORS WERE ALLOWED IN FOR THE TEST EVENT.....

BRIDGEPORT
May 20, 2012


Vests R Us of Bridge Park, whose business catch phrase is "A Vest For Every Chest" is on scramble after their latest entry into the lucrative bullet proof vest market failed a second test. Gunner Stevens, CEO of VRU, was at a loss for words Saturday after witnessing the failed test.  Test volunteer Will Dent, of Bridgeport was taken to Park General Hospital, after taking a bullet to his chest on Saturday morning while wearing the company's experimental vest. 
"You gotta be (expletive) me!"
Will Dent, said with a
surprised look, when the bullet passed
through the bullet proof vest.
  
CEO Stevens spoke with OFF THE WALL NEWS in an exclusive paid interview and had this to say, "First off, my hat is off to Dent's family.  Everyone here at VRU is pulling for his recovery and we will hold his position for him and welcome him back when he's ready to return.  As for the failed test, we don't know what went wrong.  Everything was going as planned right up to firing the test weapon."  Stevens then paused and continued,  "Mr. Dent's face went from surprise to horror when he realized the bullet had penetrated the vest."
This is the second failed test in two months.  In March, Dent's twin brother, Bigger, also took a bullet to the chest and is currently learning to breath on his own once again.  Company officials are looking into why the vests are failing.  "This shouldn't be happening." test engineer, Oha Shita said to anyone who would listen.  When asked why test dummies aren't being used instead of live ones, he replied, "Test dummies can't give us feed back, like the Dent brothers can." 
Vests R Us plans one more test next month and hopes to have a reliable bullet proof vest ready to go by Beggars Night, Bridgeport's   worse night for crime, when city police are most at risk.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will closely monitor this situation.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

MAN ON SOUL SEARCH, MISSING

Benz Gon has been missing for six
weeks.  This photo was submitted by
his wife in hopes he will see it and
come home.
 Family members of Benz Gon, 65, of Bridge Park alerted authorities yesterday to his disappearance.  Gon's wife, Bettes contacted Channel 1 News earlier in the week for help in locating her missing husband.  "Benz started acting strange in March", she told Dave Taylor.  "After eating a bean burrito supper, he began looking at the moon quite a bit and then a couple of days later he told me he had to find it and left.  I'm not sure what 'it' is."  He had no history of gazing at the moon or searching for things.
Mrs. Gon went on to say she and Gon had been married for six months and had met at a church breakfast where rare bird eggs were being served.  "He reminded me of a rare bird" she said, "so I sat next to him and I invited him to my 'nest'.  We were married a week later."  Mrs. Gon's sister, Ruth Less also became close to Gon. "You couldn't ask for a better brother-in-law" she said.  "He had those far away eyes, you know what I mean? He was here, but always looking out there."  She pointed to a spot in the distance.  " I just know my sister is lost without him."
Bettes Gon is asking for help in locating
her husband, Benz Gon.
Channel 1 News is asking anyone knowing of the where abouts of Mr. Gon, to please let someone know.  No reward has been posted as of yet.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

POLL REVEALS PEOPLE UPSET WITH POLLS

A crowd gathered outside of
Polls R Us  show their anger.
Several angry poll takers gathered outside the downtown offices of Polls R Us, in an apparent show of hostility against the Bridgeport polling giant. 
Bob E. Soks, 27, of rural Bridgeport told Channel 1 News yesterday's poll was the final straw. "Some woman from Polls R Us calls and asks me to answer a few questions about why I answer polling questions, I mean for (expletive) sake, give me a (expletive) break!"

Several other members of the crowd voiced similar resentments.  Betsy Duz, 50, filled out over 200 polling questionnaires last year alone, on an array of subjects ranging from penial implants to crooked teeth.  "They just keep calling or sending out the questionnaires" Duz told Channel 1 News.  "I've loved being apart of the polling process, but I'm seriously thinking about joining Polers Anonymous."

Police were called just after midnight to disperse the unruly crowd.  A poll was then taken on the effects of the police procedures against the protesters.  Channel 1 News will print the results of that poll once it has been analyzed by Polls R Us.
Anyone wishing to be placed on the Polls R Us poll takers list, is asked to send their name to Polls R Us, in care of Channel 1 News.  You must be 18 and willing to submit to a body cavity search.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

MAN COUGHS UP CHANGE FOR A QUARTER

Neil Downe can't believe
his good fortune
By Dave Taylor
Neil Downe, 27, of Bridge Park had the surprise of a lifetime this morning while riding the city metro bus to work. Fellow bus riders say Down began to wheeze and soon was coughing uncontrollably. In the next instant he coughed up two dimes and a nickle. His eyes grew wide in disbelief as he looked at the coins in his hand. "You won't believe this, but last night I swallowed a quarter!" he told fellow passengers. He then coughed again and coughed up a hand full of coins. He was grinning from ear to ear when the bus driver named him Passenger of the Day and gave him an all day pass, good for any day except Sunday.
Channel 1 News learned that Down plans to cut back on his work schedule and concentrate more on the change that has come into his life. No one knows how or why he is coughing up change, but Down says he plans to fill up a piggy bank before swallowing a $5 bill. "Who knows" he said, "$5 might get me $10." He told reporters he is also getting lots of notes and letters from young ladies everywhere.  He said he may even leave his parents home and get his own apartment.
Channel 1 News will follow this story. You can count on it.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

LOCAL RACE HORSE HOOF HEARTED WINS!!

Hoof Hearted, bottom, wins by one third
 nose over favored Heavy Breathing.
Bridge Park horse racing fans were treated to a thrilling finish last evening, at Bridge Park Downs, as locally bred Hoof Hearted won by a third of a nose. Second place finisher Heavy Breathing nearly stole the prize, but seemed to run out of steam at the end.  Hoof Hearted's owner,  Peter Jingles was overjoyed.  "Hoof Hearted is one of a kind!" he beamed to Channel 1 News.  "We could have never won this race without him!"  Hoof Hearted was ridden to victory by female Jockey Justine Tyme, who appeared relieved when talking with reporters.  "I could hear Heavy Breathing right behind me!" she exclaimed with a look of fear in her eyes. "He could have overtaken me, if he'd used his whip." She was talking about Heavy Breathing's jockey, Johnny Slickjohn. 
Today's racing program has been postponed due to foul odor. Racing will resume tomorrow and Channel 1 News will be there.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

MAN SURVIVES FALL INTO VAT OF KIELBASA

Lipp Locke fell into a vat of kielbasa at Kielbasa Kingdom
By Dave Taylor
Lipp Locke 30, of Bridge Park survived a harrowing mishap yesterday after taking a 20 ft. plunge into a giant vat of kielbasa sausages.  Locke and his mother, Laura were taking the noon tour at  Kielbasa Kingdom, a packing house on Penn Ave.  Locke, on his mother's dare, was crossing the narrow catwalk above the vat of fresh jumbo kielbasa, when he fell.
"I was falling head first and managed to do a mid air somersault to land feet first," he told Channel 1 News.  "I sunk up to my chin in the fresh sausage links!"
Workers quickly lowered a rope ladder into the pit and Locke was able to free his hands and grab hold of the ladder. He was pulled to freedom as his mother looked on.  They were both ushered into lunch room where they were allowed to gather their rattled nerves before being served a free kielbasa lunch, complete with saurkraut and beer.
Plant workers said signs are posted through out the plant about the dangers of walking above the kielbasa pit.  After today's incident, the signs will also be printed in English, the plant manager told Channel 1 News.  Locke and his mother finished lunch before canceling their afternoon plans to take a blindfold tour of a Bridge Park purfume plant.  "It wouldn't work," Mrs. Locke explained, "Junior here smells like a giant Polish sausage, he's all I can smell!"