Thursday, June 28, 2012

DOCTORS SURPRISED BY MANS ADDICTION TO PLACEBO

Doctors at the Bridge Park Hospital of Hope met this morning to discuss a patient's addiction to Canary Seed. Canary Seed is the main engredient in a placebo used in place of a pharmaceutical drug for treating impotence.  The patient, whose name was not released due to privacy issues, is undergoing supervised withdrawal treatment in the addicts wing located in the Never Give In Clinic on the fifth floor of the hospital.  The patients spouse, Mrs. Roland Shook spoke with Channel 1 News about her husband's addiction to the placebo.
In this photo, the patient is fighting
birds for their bird seed as his addiction
takes over.
"I'm glad we discovered the addiction when we did" she said.  "Roland began treatment for his problem in February and signed up to be part of a clinical trail for the testing of a new impotence drug  called,  Pecordozalotarizen.  We didn't know it at the time, but he was put on a placebo instead of the drug.  It turned out that it got the best of him."   When asked to elaborate, she continued.  "By the middle of March, Roland was spending a lot of time out by the bird feeder.  I noticed soon after that we were going through an enormous amount of bird feed and the wild birds were becoming owly.  In mid May Roland began whistling almost constantly and when I found bird seed in his sport coat, I knew somethng was up.  He confessed to me on June 10 that he was consuming not only his pills, but all the bird seed he could get his hands on.  That's when I called the clinic."
Doctors hope to have the patient "clean" by July 4th.  A study will be done to see why he became addicted to a placebo and hopefully doctors will learn what happened and steps will be taken so this dosen't happen to someone else.
Channel 1 News will report any new developments to this story.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

BRIDGEPORT POOL OPENS TO SHALLOW RECEPTION

Last week OFF THE WALL NEWS reported about the city's municipal pool being closed for cleaning and maintenance during the swimming season and the city's worse heat wave since last summer.  As promised by Mayor Ben Dover, the pool was ordered refilled and to be open by June 25.  Maintenance workers began filling the pool almost immediately, making note that the water pressure was low due to a faulty pressure valve at the water works.  By Monday evening the swimming pool was ankle deep in the shallow end of the pool.  According to pool assistant manager Becky Licter, the pool holds about 25000 gallons of water when full.  After looking at the pool late Monday afternoon, she told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "We've got a ways to go yet to get this baby filled." 
Calls to pool manager Johnny Deep went unanswered, as OFF THE WALL NEWS learned he had been receiving death threats for closing the pool during a heat wave.
Swimmers couldn't wait for the pool to
fill up before getting wet. "This is almost
awesome!" one swimmer yelled.
Life guard and diving
 instructor Masha Melo hissed
at the shallow water.
With the 8 foot deep pool barely a foot deep with water, anxious swimmers couldn't wait to begin cooling off in the tepid water. In the mostly excited crowd, there were many jeers mixed in with the cheers.  Marsha Melo, a life guard and Bridge Park diving instructor hissed with displeasure as she surveyed the swallow water. Melo, who survived a broken neck diving into the wrong end of the pool last year told OFF THE WALL NEWS, "This is making my neck ache all over again!"
City officials hoped to have the pool completely filled by the 4th of July.  "If all goes well, the life guards will be called back to work by the end of this week." City Water Commissioner Brandon Thurst grinned.  "Life is good here in Bridgeport!"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to keep you updated on this hot topic!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

HEAT WAVE IS HEATING THINGS UP

Bridge Park Municipal Pool is closed
for cleaning & maintenance.
The Bridge Park Municipal Swimming Pool is closed for cleaning and maintenance this month causing many irate phone calls to come into City Hall. With Bridge Park in the middle of a record breaking heat wave, some citizens are questioning the timing of the closed pool. An angry mob gathered outside the entrance to the pool just before noon and demanded to talk with pool manager, Johnny Deep.
Deep who was at dance lessons, was unable to address the crowd of sweaty would be swimmers and they began chanting R rated slogans while holding up a picture of the absent manager. Assistant manager Becky Lipsync tried appeasing the crowd with free soft beverage coupons, good when the pool reopens. She was pelted with pop cycle sticks before taking cover inside a phone booth. She later told Channel 1 News "The reason for the pool closure is because swimming pool paint is less expensive in the summer months. It's all about the budget."
Irate would be swimmers gathered at
the municipal pool this morning,
demanding to get wet!
Mayor Ben Dover promised to get the pool open by June 25th even if the pool is not fully filled with water. "It will be close, but we should see folks getting wet enough to cool off" he told Channel 1 News. He then left on a business trip to LasVegas and was unavailable for further comment. Channel 1 News will monitor this news worthy story and report any updates.

Monday, June 18, 2012

MELTLESS ICE CREAM IS ALMOST HERE!!


Professor Otto Pilot holds an ice cream
cone for six hours without it melting.
Scientists at the Bridge Park Center for Food Studies have created the worlds first meltless ice cream.  "Now you can enjoy a big swirly without getting sticky fingers!" boasted Professor Otto Pilot, lead scientist at the Center.  "This is a great advancement for kids who get all sticky eating ice cream!"  Although this ice cream will not be available to the public until next Winter, Professor Pilot told Channel 1 News the wait will be worth it. "We've got ice cream that you can keep on the kitchen shelf or in your car and it won't melt! Never needs to be in the freezer." When asked how this could be possible, he just grinned.
A disguised spokesman, calling himself   
Mr.Y talked freely with Channel 1 News
about the meltless ice cream.
Channel 1 News was able to learn however that testing has been going on for over a year.  An individual from the Center, whom was disguised to hide his identity sat down with Channel 1 News and talked freely.  To protect his identity, he called himself  Mr. Y.  "We started out over a year ago" he began. "Trying to learn what happens to the seeds in seedless watermelon.  We wanted to take it a step further and make a rindless watermelon, but decided to work on the meltless ice cream instead.  We went to work and after a few months of testing we were eating ice cream cones in the hot tub and also in the sauna. Our final test was eating ice cream cones while sun bathing at the beach without getting sticky fingers.  This gave us our name, Sunburst Ice Cream."  He went on to confess,  "It still has an off flavor, like moldy pudding, but we're almost there. The kids will love it I promise, this stuff will make you grin!"
Mr. Y's beeper sounded and he immediately left by a rear door, ending our interview.  Channel 1 News will continue to investigate and hopefully sample this "delight" in the near future.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

FATHER'S DAY CELEBRATION PUT ON HOLD DUE TO LAW SUIT

"We are not Fathers, but we are still men!"
Shouts from the angry mob rang out early
this morning.
The annual Father's Day Picnic/Beer Fest in Bridge Park has been put on hold after a group of non fathers sued for equal time. Nick O. Tyme 25, of Bridge Park and 13 other young men, who requested anonymity filed a discrimination suit in Doper County. The suit says, that just because they are not dads, their rights are being infringed upon.
Judge Rosemary Spicer signed an order putting the Picnic/Beer Fest on hold until after a hearing scheduled for three weeks from Tuesday.  A group of  fathers and grandfathers plan to file a counter suit.  Channel 1 News will follow this story until it's conclusion.

Monday, June 11, 2012

WOMAN SUFFERS RARE BUT DEADLY MOON BURN

Skyler Bangs 25, of Bridge Park was taken by an emergency crew to Brige Park General Hospital late last evening after receiving a call that Bangs had suffered an acute moon burn. Ms. Bangs had checked into the Ultra Moon Tan Resort, one of Bridge Park's newest specialty retreats, on Saturday in hopes of spending some quality time under the moon.
Skyler Bangs in an undated
photo, shows her moon
tanned legs.
Moon tanning is the rage among 20 somethings this Spring, reversing a decades long love affair with the Sun, and it's burning effects. Bangs was going for the full body moon tan, exposing parts of her skin to the moon for the first time. "This could have been a deadly decision" said Dr. Mel Practus. "No one knows for sure just how much moon we can take." Bang's had even hired a tanning coach, who disappeared after calling the paramedics. Anyone knowing the whereabouts of Ben Blisterd is asked to call the Bridge Park Hot Line at 555-SUN-BURN. He is wanted for questioning about his knowledge of the moon and it's tanning rays.
Channel 1 News will follow this story until the next new moon.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

BRIDGE PARK FOOD POLICE BUST LOCAL RESTAURANT

 Dante's Diners Emporium, Bridge Park's premier restaurant, was the target of the newly formed Food Police, in a late night raid last evening.  Acting on a tip from an upset diner, the Food Police moved in and found Dante's was serving what looked like ham, roast beef, and turkey.  Closer inspection revealed the items were actually fish sticks that had been made to look like the more expensive items.
This plate of ham turned out to be minced
and re-formed fish sticks.  The bone was
a plastic toy.
The patron, who had alerted the FP and asked to remain anonymous told Channel 1 News, she ordered the ham special and noticed a fishy taste right away.  Her husband, Tubby Ruber, 47, also of Bride Park had ordered a rack of ribs.  They too turned out to be barbecued fish sticks. 
As the Food Police entered Dante's kitchen, chefs and kitchen personnel were caught stuffing fish sticks into the pockets of their uniforms, to hide them from the FP.  Dante's owner, Nick Licter said they will be forced to close while they regroup.  He also called Channel 1 News to apologize to their patrons.
"I'm truly sorry for this," he said.  "I blame it on the Internet.  One of my chefs learned how to make ice cream out of fish sticks and one thing lead to another."
This rack of ribs turned out to be fish sticks
smothered in barbecue sauce.  Even the
french fries and the wine were fish sticks.
Dante's hopes to re-open by the Fourth of July and feature breakfasts of fish sticks and eggs. 
Channel 1 News will follow this story and keep you posted.