Tuesday, August 21, 2012


Eager swimmers were given free inner tubes
with a paid admission to the newly reopened pool.
The Bridge Park Municipal Swimming Pool reopened today after being closed for painting since July third.  After near riots erupted in the hottest July on record, the maintenance department under the direct orders of Mayor Ben Dover, applied the fifth and final coat of quick dry pool cement paint on Sunday.  Yesterday was spent filling the pool with recycled water from the water plant. City Maintenance Engineer, Less Fuzzee told Channel 1 News, "It's been a long hot summer and having the pool open will make lots of folks happy, especially the Mayor with the up coming elections and all." 
As an added bonus, free inner tubes were given to each paying customer.  "It's cheaper than hiring a life guard", said the Mayor.  "I'm all about saving the tax payers money!"
The pool will be open daily until September 1, when it will close once more for application of paint sealer.  Until then, the city hopes to keep the pool full of happy swimmers.  Channel 1 News will be on hand to follow this story.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Mayor Ben Dover hopes to secure this
parking lot on 5th St. to build a skating
As air conditioners still work overtime in Bridge Park, the city council will meet tonight in a special session, to discuss building an outdoor skating rink.  With Winter just around the corner, Mayor Ben Dover wants to get a head start on the skating season and hopes to have a place for skaters to prepare for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.
Due to the ongoing remodeling of City Hall, the special session will be held in the basement of Walt's Barrel Room Tap & Shot Emporium on 5th St.  The city council members will be served a hot meal prepared and served by the local  PAPS (People Against Porn Skaters) chapter, before sitting down to business.  Walt Sleazy, bar owner will provide free liquid refreshments during the session.  "It's my civic duty." he told Channel 1 News.  The meeting will start around 9 P.M., but Channel 1 News learned most of the council members will be on hand for a question and answer period from 4 to 6 P.M. answering questions from bar patrons about city business.  This will coincide with a shot contest sponsored by  Miguela's Tequila, at the back bar. 
City Council members Kate Wants, Suzy
Will, and Nina Does shown here at the
last council meeting at Walt's, will be on
hand to get things done.
The mayor and council hope to get a lot accomplished tonight and will issue a full report when time permits.  A secondary item on the agenda is the national presidential debates coming up in the coming months.  Channel 1 News will keep you abreast.

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Dave Taylor and the Queen
Channel 1 News won a prestigious golden medallion for reporting the back stories of the 2012 London Olympics.  Dave Taylor met in a private ceremony with her highness the Queen on Sunday evening after the close of the Olympics.  They shared their favorite stories of the past week and did shots of "TNT", a mixture of tea and tequila, before sitting down to a dinner of Possum Tart Pie and Blood Pudding.  Dave was served a side order of French Fries at his request. 
Channel 1 News filed 312 stories covering the Olympics, which were aired on British TV.  The publics' favorite had to do with a beach volleyball bikini contest, which was held after hours in the Athlete's Village.  Dave Taylor was the honorary judge and gave the prize to the hard working Brazilian team.  He reported to the Queen, "They did what they had to do to win!"  
Dave and the Channel 1 News team were then invited to Rio in 2016. 
All in all it was a productive week for all.
Brasil won the Bikini Contest

Saturday, August 4, 2012


Channel 1 News was unable to report the results of yesterday's Slap Off between the Russians and Chinese because of timing issues.  The bout between Suzi Sling and Bustus Balsoff had just gotten into the meat of the match when we had to file our Olympic report to meet a deadline.
Bustus Balsoff stares in disbelief after
the referee stopped the slap off.
To complete this story, the match lasted for two hours, twelve minutes, and four seconds before Italian referee Tony Baloney ended the match, declaring a double technical on both athletes. A technical is called when an athlete gets a bruise or cut.
"I had him, but judge let him get away."
The Russian, Balsoff, told Channel 1 News, "I was wanting that Gold Medal and now I have to wait four more year.  This not bruise on face, just make up."  The Chinese contender, Suzy Sling was hauled out of the arena on a stretcher, fighting the EMTs all the way.  She later told Channel 1 News from the hospital, "I had him, but the judge let him get away."  She was put into a medically induced coma to get her on the plane home.  Olympic officials insured Channel 1 News, that these two would meet again in four years, with no holds barred.  Channel 1 News will be there.

Friday, August 3, 2012


The Chinese Slap Champion getting
ready to take on the Russian Champion.
At breakfast she told her coach,
"I'm feeling slap happy!"
As reported last night, the Chinese Slap champion, Suzi Sling defeated the UK's Dunny Bumbs with a quick slap to his right cheek, catching Bumbs throwing a kiss to his girlfriend in the crowd.  His lip immediately puffed up and the officials stopped the round and declared Bumbs unable to continue.  Sling did a half back flip in celebration earning herself a warning from the judges. 
This morning she bound into the slapping arena, apparently fired up to take on the Russian champion Bustis Balsoff.  Channel 1 News learned that the two have been sending hate tweets to each other and were cautioned by Olympic officials that undignified and slanderous tweets could land them in the same boat as the Greek track star, expulsion from the games.  Both slappers were disciplined by their coaches by having their faces slapped.
Sling catches Balsoff by surprise with
a right hand to the face.
At 9 A.M. sharp the two met for the first time in the center slapping arena and locked eyes.  Balsoff looked like he was trying to hold back a drool, as he kept wiping the corner of his mouth with his shirt sleeve.  Sling squinted her eyes at him, sizing him up for a good slapping.  The international rules were given to them in eaches' native language.  Balsoff was swaying from foot to foot as Sling continued her beady stare.  At 9:01 the bell rang and the Russian Balsoff, gave Sling a surprise scissors slap to her cheeks, causing her eyes to snap shut.  But they were only shut for an instant.  She countered with a surprise of her own, literally slapping the smile off the Russian's face.  The Chinese in the crowd roared with approval. 
Channel 1 News covered the match until our deadline for transmitting this story arrived.  We will get you the results of this "blood" match as soon as the results are released.  Have a great day where ever you are reading this......Dave Taylor, Channel 1 News.

Thursday, August 2, 2012


England's Dunny Bumbs takes an opening
slap in Thursday's slap off, from China's
Suzi Sling.  Bumbs got a fat lip and was
declared the loser.
With all the competition being covered at this year's Olympics, sometimes the less popular sports get minimal attention.  One such sport is Slapping and this year a dozen or so countries have slapping contestants hoping to slap their way to the gold!  Channel 1 News managed to talk to some of the athletes between slap offs. Russian born slapper, Bustis Balsoff sat down with Dave Taylor and talked about the sport.
DT:  Mr. Balsoff, how did you get into sports slapping?
BB:  You call me Bustus.  I start young, Papa show me how to slap face. I practice on brother Neko until he run away from home.
DT: This sounds like a violent sport, Bustus. Did your young brother come back home?
BB:  You Americans have, what is it, Football?  That violent, slapping just sting a little. Neko is male ballet dancer now.
DT: Do you think you have a chance at the Gold?
BB:  I think so, yes, but I don't really care.  Just to get in the ring and trade slaps is all I want.  With that his coach motioned for him to get back to the training center.
Bustus Balsoff, reining Russian
Slapping champion.

In the first round China's Suzi Sling had her way with England's Dunny Bumbs, giving him a fat lip in the second round.  The official ruled the contest over and Ms. Sling moves to the next round.  She will meet Bustus Balsoff tomorrow at 9 A.M.  She told Channel 1 News, "That Russian has got the kind of face that makes me want to slap the (expletive) out of it!"  It should be a good contest and  Channel 1 News will be there.