Friday, October 19, 2012

SLEEZARS GENTLEMEN CLUB FOLLOWS ROMNEY'S LEAD

Omyya Sleezar says he's
looking out for his female
dance employees
Sleezars Gentlemen Club of Bridge Park has vowed to work for women's rights after witnessing the Presidential Debate last Tuesday night.  Club owner Omyya Sleezar told Channel 1 News he wants to follow in Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney's footsteps and has committed to letting his female employees off by 5 P.M. each day so they can get home and cook dinner for their kids.  "All my dancers deserve to be home cooking over the dinner hour," he said smiling.  "Their kids deserve a hot meal from their hot moms!  That Mitt guy made it clear to me, I owe these ladies and so I'm making a commitment to every sweetheart in my binder full of them, to let them off over the dinner hour."  When asked about his customers he replied, " I'll show some video porn clips and offer free pretzels with all domestic beer sales until the dancers get back at 8 P.M.
Channel 1 News asked to interview some of the dancers but was told that due to contractual issues, that couldn't be allowed at this time.  Channel 1 News will continue to follow up on this story.

Monday, October 8, 2012

BRIDGE PARK LOSES BID TO HOST MOCK DEBATE

Bridge Park Mayor Ben Dover
"I'm just a simple man!"
Mayor Ben Dover hoping to put Bridge Park in the limelight, tried unsuccessfully to have mock candidates posing as Romney and Obama, debate presidential policy on national television.  Dover had hoped to capitalize on the political fever gripping the country by having Bridge Park hold a no holds barred mock debate in prime time.  "If I could have signed some good mock candidates, it would have worked," he told Channel 1 News. Invitations were sent out to Clint Eastwood and Bill Cosby and a host of other notables such as Kirk Douglas, Al Pacino, Samuel L. Jackson, and Eddie Murphy. The only reply came from the estate of Marlon Brando, explaining his passing away in 2004.  Belated condolences were sent to his family by the Mayor.
As moderator, the Mayor had some tough questions lined up that he says would have had both candidates reeling.  "I would have brought out the true men with questions like, boxers or briefs, blond or brunette, Coke or Pepsi, or my favorite, football or baseball?  I'm a simple man who likes to keep it simple.  If we can find out what these guys think about the ordinary things, we'll know how they would fit in in Bridge Park.
Channel 1 News will continue to monitor the situation as the Mayor vowed to continue looking for ways to get Bridge Park into the limelight.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

THE TRUTH BEHIND OBAMA'S DEBATE DEBACLE

A Presidental Imposture?
Channel 1 News in an exclusive interview with President Obama's debate coach, learned what was behind the president's poor performance in Wednesday night's debate. Democrats and pundits alike were reeling over the debating skills of the President, who has held his own in the past.  The debate coach granted the interview in return for a promise of anonymity, saying she would lose her job if her identity was revealed.  Channel 1 News never gives out such information and promised Ms. Lokjaw the anonymity she requested.

Irok Umoma and Itsa
 Longshot appear as the
President and First Lady
Channel 1 News learned the following;  Once it was announced the first debate would take place on October 3, the Obamas notified the re-election team that the third of October was their 20th wedding anniversary and they had made plans for a cozy fireside dinner.  A plan was then hatched to bring in the President and first lady's stunt doubles to make the debate appearance in their place.  The two look-a-likes were flown in on the eve of the debate and given a hot meal and an outline of their duties.  The doubles are Irok Umoma and Itsa Longshot, both off Broadway actors who normally drink free when they go out because of their similar looks to Barack and Michele. "I can't walk into a bar," said a smiling Irok.  "Without someone buying a drink for the President!" 
A few hours before leaving for Denver, the couple were fitted in evening clothes which they would be able to keep and were able to meet the people they would be filling in for.  "Michele is so nice," Itsa said.  "She is just so down to earth."  Umoma was then given a list of questions that would most likely be asked in the debate and he had promised to go over them prior to meeting Governor Romney on stage. 
It was obvious to anyone watching or listening that Mr. Umoma hadn't done that. He spent almost the entire debate looking downward at what appeared to be a crossword puzzle.  After the debate he was whisked away to an undisclosed location and made to return the suit of clothes he was wearing before being put on a bus home.  Ms. Longshot was allowed to keep her dress but had to find her own way home. 
The debate coach promised us that we would see the real president next time and that he would be ready to put his opponent in his place.  Channel 1 News will be there and bring you the behind the scenes stories you are hungry for.  Dave Taylor's motto is, "If your hungry for news, I'm full of it!"
Channel 1 News is out to prove it.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

ROMNEY, RYAN, SHOCK THE REPUBLICANS AND JOIN THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

Mitt and Paul at their Halloween
 coming out party.
In the biggest political news of the year, the Republican party candidates for the Presidency have switched political parties just weeks before the election and have joined the Halloween Party!
"I've always been mistaken for Herman Munster and now with little Eddie..er I mean Paul here, I'm gonna live the dream!" he told Channel 1 News.  "If elected, I really am going to bring change to Washington."
Channel 1 News was there at the coming out party when the two politicians, dressed as Herman and Eddie Munster stood up and yelled "Boo!" to an unsuspecting crowd of reporters. Romney took the stage and began telling reporters and pundits alike how the idea to switch parties came about.  "It started when Eddie...er I mean Paul here, scared the hell out of seniors with our new budget plan and the reworking of Medicare  and Social Security.  Some of those old geezers were so scared they got up and walked out of the room.  We had a huge laugh about that in the party..er I mean campaign bus as we rode around town thinking up more ways to scare people." 
You could tell Congressman Ryan was somewhat embarrassed sitting on Romney's knee, but he sat there and played with a pumpkin shaped calculator as Governor Romney outlined their new vision.  "I've been taking a class on being middle class and I'm beginning to understand those 47% non tax payers,"  he said with a sober looking face.  "I've come to understand the importance of Halloween too.  I'm learning what tricks will bring me the biggest treats!"  He let out a roar of laughter that almost caused Congressman Ryan to fall off his knee.
If Romney and Ryan get elected, it will mark the first time that candidates from the Halloween party  advance that far. Casper the ghost came close in 1956, but voters saw right through him and his policies and he failed to get elected.  Channel 1 News will follow these candidates in their bid to the White House or as Governor Romney called it, the Haunted House.

Friday, October 5, 2012

ROMNEY CONSIDERS HIMSELF A MASTERBATER

Romney, caught in the act.
After Wednesday nights debate, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney ran into the men's room and gave himself a big kiss in the mirror.  Governor Romney thought he was alone, but Channel 1 News's political reporter Pat McGroin was in one of the stalls and filed this report.
The sushi ripoff raw pork hocks I'd eaten had made me sick, and I had just finished vomiting when I heard what sounded like someone giggling come running into the men's room.  I peered out through a crack in the stall and saw a giddy Mitt Romney kissing himself in the mirror.  "Thank you, you silver tongued devil!" Romney told his image.
The perfect gift for the man
that has everything.  The one
on one debate room.
McGroin then let Romney know that he was not alone in the restroom to which Romney replied, "I know that, I knew that he'd be in here," smiling and pointing to his image in the mirror.  Romney then consented to an exclusive interview with Channel 1 News. As it turns out the former Massachusetts Governor has been rehearsing for the presidental debates for some time now.  "There's almost always a restroom somewhere on the campaign trail and I thought to myself, what better place to practice and rehearse my debating skills.  In fact the Mrs. gave me my own practice captual to take with me on the campaign trail." When asked to elaborate, he continued.  "I'm most comfortable debating myself, I almost never lose!  If fact I have become a master debater, you can tell the world I'm now a masterbater!"  He then took off his tie and suitcoat and asked to be alone with himself.  "I've got to start getting ready for the next debate."
Romney went on to tell Channel 1 News that if he loses the election he plans to become a debate coach teaching losers to how to become masterbaters.  When corrected on his choice of discriptive words, he laughed and replied, "they know what I mean."  Channel 1 News will be following the presidental race right up to the finish.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

UFO ALERT FOR BRIDGE PARK



Johnny Kirk, descendant of James T. Kirk
of Star Trek fame was in town to promote
his book, "Space, It's Out There"
In startling news just revealed by the Mayor’s office, Bridge Park has been declared the most likely place a UFO will land in 2013.  Johnny Kirk 57, a self proclaimed descendant of James T. Kirk of Star Trek fame was in town over the weekend to promote his new book “Space, It’s Out There” and had lunch with city officials.  Kirk told those who would listen about a dream he had where alien ships landed near Bridge Park.
Al the Alien as seen in Kirk's book.
Channel 1 News talked to Kirk after the lunch about his dreams and learned he has been bothered by these dreams before and always woke up before learning the true landing site.  Then after seeing a story about Bridge Park on Facebook, something clicked in his mind and the landing site near Bridge Park came into view.  When asked if we should fear this landing and close encounter with these extra terrestrials Kirk replied, "Oh hell no. They are the same ones that abducted me when I was a kid and they're pretty friendly."  Kirk also revealed a picture of one of the Aliens in his book, which we are showing here for the first time. "The leader is named Al," he added.
 
Friendly or not, Bridge Park Mayor Ben Dover has declared 2013 "scary" and put the police force on high alert! "Keep your eyes on the skies!" is the new slogan for 2013.  Channel 1 News has set up a watch tower and will man it 24/7 beginning January 1, 2013.