Saturday, November 24, 2012

WOMAN GOES ALL OUT TO BEAT BLACK FRIDAY COMPETITION

Dee Dee Dumm went to
China for the bargains
A Bridge Port woman went to great lengths to be the first person to get the very best Black Friday bargains.  Dee Dee Dumm 43, told Channel 1 News the idea came to her in a dream on Halloween night.  She spoke with Dave Taylor about her winning strategy.  "I wanted to be the first in line at Walmart when they opened Thanksgiving night, but wasn't sure how I could do it for sure," she said. "Then it all came to me in a dream, most everything in the stores comes from China and they are a day ahead of us, so why not go to China and buy up the bargains right then and there! It will be Thanksgiving night there before it is here and no lines!!  I was ecstatic!"

She told her husband Rum, of her dream and plan to go to China and he agreed to stay home and feed their gold fish. "She promised to pick me up a new flat screen TV!" he quipped.  So last Wednesday she called in to work sick and went to the airport where she boarded a 14 hour flight to Shanghai, China.  She arrived there on Thursday afternoon and couldn't wait to order some real Chinese food at one of the airport food stands.  After a meal of Sweet Red Bean Pancakes and Chinese pork sausages, she took a taxi to the nearest Walmart.  "I couldn't believe my eyes!" she exclaimed.  I was the tallest woman in the store and could see bargains everywhere!"  She went on a two hour shopping spree without having to fight others for the bargains.  Her only regret was not being able to understand what the store Santa Claus was yelling at her, but on the up side, the store clerks were very helpful by helping  her carry her TV to the taxi.


Friendly store clerks help with the TV
Ms. Dumm bought for her husband.
Ms. Dumm returned home exhausted but happy.  She had "beaten" the system and not had to stand in any lines or fight others for the really big deals.  Next year she hopes to do it again.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

CITY VOTES TO LIFT BLACK FRIDAY BAN!!


 In a unanimous vote including that of  Mayor Ben Dover, the city council decided to lift the ban on Black Friday retroactive to last year.  The vote was taken Monday evening after a heated debate in council chambers.  City merchants have been furious ever since the city of Bridge Port banned the after Thanksgiving event, causing them to lose serious revenue from lost sales. Men's Under ware store owner Titus Fitt  told Channel 1 News, "It's about time they lifted this ban.  I'm not sure if making it retroactive to last year will help, but we'll see."

This picture was taken in 2011 as the ban
on Black Friday was put into place in Bridge Port.

The ban on Black Friday was enacted in 2011 and put into place after  city councilman Pat McGroin convinced other council members it was wrong to have a special shopping day for Black citizens only, especially the day after Thanksgiving.  He thought it would raise racial tensions in our fair city.  The council voted unanimously to ban Black Friday immediately, much to the dismay of local businesses who lost an estimated 14 million dollars last year on the one day alone.   Mayor Ben Dover, who did not have a say in the vote, recalls getting death threats and lewd tweets while on a sailing vacation in Mexico.  "I couldn't believe what was happening back home," he told Channel 1 News.  "I was sailing with a lady friend and her twin sister when I got a tweet telling me of the ban. I knew there would be some unhappy folks back home and I'd get my house egged again."
Upon returning to Bridge Port, Mayor Dover called a special closed door meeting with the local Chamber of Commerce and the council, where the council members responsible for the ban learned what Black Friday really meant and immediately expressed remorse for their actions.  Motions to overturn the ban were tabled until this week. 
Mayor Ben Dover and lady friends were sailing
in Mexico when he heard of the Black Friday Ban.
In the mean time local merchants are gearing up for the biggest shopping day of the year and all is well in the city of Bridge Port.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

MAYOR HAS HIGH PRIORITIES

Now that propositions for the legalization of marijuana have passed in the states of Washington and Colorado, Bridge Port Mayor Ben Dover hopes to lead a delegation to both states on a fact finding mission by years end. 


Mayor Ben Dover on election
night.  "We must listen to the
will of the people and I'm all ears."
In the wake of the historic vote on this issue Mayor Dover has called for an impromptu city council meeting on Saturday evening at Lou's Liquor Lounge downtown. The meeting will start during happy hour and the public is invited.  It was noted that normally city council meetings are held at city hall, but due to plumbing issues the meeting place is being moved to Lou's.  "There's a foul odor in the council chambers." Mayor Dover said.
Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor talked with the mayor via Skype just before noon and asked Mayor Dover about what he expected to learn by going on a city sponsored trip to Colorado and Washington.

 B.D. "We must listen to the will of the people and I'm all ears."
D.T. "Can you explain that?"
B.D. Well with the legalization of this natural herb in two states, it's high time we see what all the giddiness is about.
D.T. So you want to take a delegation on a road trip?
B.D. Yes Dave, this issue has been in a haze for too long.  By traveling to Colorado and Washington we can get some experience and perhaps tour a brownie factory.
D.T. How will this benefit Bridge Port?
B.D. I'm glad you asked that question Dave. Let me research that.
The mayor went on to explain that he hopes to have Bridge Port in position to be "wide open" as he put it, when the laws are changed here.
Channel 1 News will cover the special council meeting tonight and share any new facts in a later story.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

NEXT WAVE OF ATTACK ADS PUSHING THE ENVELOPE

With the Presidential election behind us and the countless hours of political attack ads that came with it gone, most people breathed a sigh of relief.  But just when we thought it was safe to turn on the TV again, residents of Bridge Park will soon be saying....."They're  Baaaaack"!  This time not about politicians, no they have morphed into something even more cynical. 

Channel 1 News learned early this morning that new attack ads will soon begin airing about of all people, Santa Claus!  With the success of all the recent attack ads, Milken It Productions of Bridge Park was contacted by Karl Rove to produce a series of new ads in hopes of redirecting the public away from politics and his failed attempt to unseat the president.


Santa Claus, can we
really trust this guy?
Channel 1 News obtained a script for the upcoming attack ad which was recorded in a voice over by Donald Trump, while a picture of Santa Claus hugging a "helper" is displayed on the TV screen.  In a somber voice Mr. Trump says:
"It's that time of year and if you're not worried, you should be. Santa Claus is coming you know.  Santa Claus....what do really know about him?  He wants you to believe he's a jolly old elf who will bring gifts and toys to your kids when the truth is, he's nothing but a fat sweaty old pervert.  He says he watching to see who's naughty and nice when the truth is, he's just a peeping tom outside your window.  When he tells your kids he wants them to be good, what does that twinkle in his eyes really mean?  Why is his beard wet, could it be drool?  The truth is America, we can't trust this guy.  Santa Claus, just bad for America....tell Santa you've had enough, tell him to stay away from schools, tell him to stay home!"

Other ads are also in production directed at the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Channel 1 News will continue to keep you informed.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

SHOCKING ELECTION DAY NEWS FOR BRIDGE PARK

Bridge Park officials and citizens were shocked to learn this morning that the election results for Bridge Park Mayor from yesterday's election were somehow destroyed by a computer error.  In this hard fought and sometime ugly race, when told of the glitch both candidates pointed fingers at each other's campaign bus and vowed to get to the truth.
Just after the polls closed last night, the results from around the city were fed into the master computer for compilation.  City Clerk R.U. Fareel told Channel 1 News he entered the ballot totals and hit what he thought was the "complete" key.  He soon realized he had misread the key and he had hit the "delete" key losing all the voting result information.  When he realized what he had done, he locked himself in a closet until six this morning, when he came he came out of the closet and told the truth.
Incumbent Mayor Ben Dover and first time challenger Peter Leeks each spent last night at their campaign headquarters awaiting the outcome of their fiercely fought contest.  Mayor Dover's campaign headquarters at the downtown Belly Up Bar drew a crowd of his closest supporters, many who stayed up all night with the Mayor listening to his promises of better days ahead.  When the results had not been released by 4 A.M. many supporters stumbled into the streets in protest.
Jamin Bong, foreground, shouts out in
displeasure just after 4 a.m. "Hey man
I got to work in the morning! Tell us
who won F-in this thing!"
Challenger Peter Leeks was surrounded by his supporters at his campaign headquarters in the lobby of  Sneakers Motor Hotel.
"I'm excited," he told Channel 1 News.  "I've had some great times at this hotel and I'm feeling lucky again tonight.  I'm gonna win this thing and get Bridge Park back on track."

This is the first time in Bridge Park history that a computer was used to help tally votes and it was learned, perhaps too late that City Clerk Fareel was not computer literate.  Channel 1 News will keep tabs on what will happen next.

Monday, November 5, 2012

CHANNEL 1 NEWS ENDORSES OBAMA FOR A SECOND TERM


In the final hours before Election Day 2012, Channel 1 News is endorsing Barack Obama for a second term as President.  A questionnaire about their vision for the next four years was sent to each camp and the results returned were then  analysed by the entire news team.  In a little under ten minutes the staff chose Obama. Channel 1 News wants to remind all citizens to vote on Tuesday November 6.
The vision statements from each candidate are shown below.

Challenger Mitt Romney's response.

President Obama's response.

Friday, November 2, 2012

UNDECIDED VOTERS, HELP IS ON THE WAY!

According to the label, two tablets will
flush your brain and keep your tongue
wagging for hours saying anything and
everything. All proceeds from sales will
 kept in the Cayman Islands.
As the election nears, undecided Republican voters may soon have the relief they crave. Republican candidate Mitt Romney is cashing in on the situation and is having thousands of cases of his premium fast working brain laxative called Mitt Flush shipped in from his China based company. His running mate Paul Ryan issued a press release just after midnight stating, "This is the private formula that Mitt uses to keep his mind open and his words flowing. When Mitt uses Mitt Flush, his eyes roll back for an instant before his mind drains and he starts saying whatever anyone wants to hear, the words just roll off his tongue." Channel 1 News was able to get a bottle of Mitt Flush and read the small print. "Warning: Only to be taken when dazed, confused, or when about to debate someone. Chew two tablets and you'll say anything and appear giddy." The FDA has issued a warning about the laxative prompting Romney to promise to close and disband this government agency if elected. Channel 1 News will follow this story right up to next Tuesday.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

UNDECIDED REPUBLICAN VOTERS TO GET HELP

According to the Romney camp, Mitt
Flush works in just 30 seconds and lasts
all day long.  It's like oil for the tongue.

As the election nears, undecided Republican voters may soon have the relief they crave.  Republican candidate Mitt Romney is cashing in on the situation and is having thousands of cases of his premium fast working brain laxative called Mitt Flush shipped in from his China based company.  His running mate Paul Ryan issued a press release just after midnight stating, "This is the private formula that Mitt uses to keep his mind open and his words flowing.  When Mitt uses Mitt Flush, his eyes roll back for an instant before his mind drains and he starts saying whatever anyone wants to hear, the words just roll off his tongue."  Channel 1 News was able to get a bottle of Mitt Flush and read the small print. "Warning: Only to be taken when dazed, confused, or when about to debate someone. Chew two tablets and you'll say anything and appear giddy."  The FDA has issued a warning about the laxative prompting Romney to promise to close and disband this government agency if elected.  Channel 1 News will follow this story right up to next Tuesday.