Tuesday, December 31, 2013

CITY COUNCIL VOTES TO EXTEND 2013 BY ONE DAY

UNPRECEDENTED MOVE HAS SOME WONDERING IF THIS COUNCIL HASN'T LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY...

BRIDGEPORT

In a last ditch effort to correct a planning mistake in this years city plan, Mayor Ben Dover called a special meeting last night at the Pickled Factory on Main St. in uptown Bridgeport.  All council members were present or accounted for including Iken Doolittle, who ran against the mayor in the election this year.
Mayor Dover getting some pool time while
in Mexico for Christmas.
By chance on Sunday December 29th, City Planning Secretary Ella Vader noticed a glitch in the city's public affairs website.  The Bridgeport New Years Day parade had somehow been mistakenly scheduled for this Thursday, which is actually January 2, 2014. A frantic phone call was made to Mayor Dover, who was spending the holidays with friends in Mexico.  He immediately chartered a flight home to take charge of the situation.
After returning to Bridgeport yesterday, the mayor made a conference call with council members for some brain storming, which ended in silence.  He then called an emergency meeting to be held at the trendy bar uptown, the Pickled Factory.
After an exhausting debate, it was determined that the only remedy was to extend the year by one day or be sued by hundreds of people and companies scheduled to be in the city's biggest parade.  With an official date change all parties under contract would have to perform as contracted or face a lawsuit in the city's favor.
The lone dissenter in the vote,  city attorney Pat McGroin, said that by moving the date back one day might help the city in the short term, but to the outside world it would still be January 2 and everyone would be back to work that day, not watching a parade.  The vote to extend the year remained at 5 to 1.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be here no matter what date it is.  Happy New Year to all!!


Monday, December 23, 2013

CHRISTMAS PARADE TO BE SIMULCAST DUE TO BUDGET RESTRAINTS

BRIDGEPORT'S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARADE WILL NOT BE PRESENTED THIS YEAR DUE TO A SHORTFALL IN THE CITY BUDGET.  INSTEAD A PARADE THAT TAKES PLACE IN CHINA WILL BE SIMULCAST ON THE MOVIE SCREEN OF THE BRIDGEPORT MULTIPLEX.

BRIDGEPORT

City officials signed a contract late Saturday night with ParadesRUs for the rights to show a huge Chinese Christmas like parade as it happens, on the Imax screen at the local multiplex. Due to the time difference, parade watchers should be at the theater Wednesday morning by 2:45 A.M. to catch the start of the parade at 3 A.M. local time.
Chinese parades are fun to watch on the big screen. There
are lots of dragons and people running around screaming.


Mayor Ben Dover was on hand to help finalize the contract with ParadesRUs.  "This is a great opportunity to watch a great Christmas like parade and save the city money at the same time!"  he exclaimed.  "And as an added bonus, we'll be inside where it is warm."  When asked if Santa would be in the parade, he replied, "No, he will be here at the multiplex handing out candy to the kids and schnapps to the parents!"
A small admission fee will be charged to watch the parade indoors.  For those that would rather watch it while standing out in the cold, theater manager, Kirk James promised to show a delayed broadcast on a screen erected in the parking lot.
Mayor Dover hopes this move saves the city enough money to put it back in the black before St. Patrick's Day.  "St. Pat's Day is special!" he said with a wink.  When asked if he had anything else to say before this story went to print, he nodded his head,  "Tell everyone Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"
It appears some things will never change in Bridgeport, at least not as long as Dover is Mayor.  Merry Christmas everyone.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

HYBRID CHRISTMAS TREE CONTINUES GROWING DESPITE BEING CUT

AS HE ASSESSES THE DAMAGES, UNSUSPECTING HOME OWNER CLAIMS HE WAS  PRESSURED INTO BUYING THE "SUPER" TREE ,  A LAW SUIT IS PENDING

BRIDGEPORT

Ward Kleaver, 45, of Bridgeport was awakened last night by a loud noise in his living room.
Getting up to investigate, he was shocked to find the family's decorated Christmas tree had pushed itself up and out trough the roof. Not knowing what was happening, he grabbed his wife and kids and fled the house.  Spending the night in the car outside, at daybreak he saw that the tree had grown and was now almost five feet above the roof.  He became filled with anguish, knowing he could not afford more tree decorations for the tree above the roof line.
The tree was purchased on Thursday from a company called TreesRUs, who claims all sales are final. TreesRUs lost its BBB rating in 2002, but continued to operate out of a semi-truck, moving from state to state.  Last year they lost a battle in court to sell their SuprApple tree which they claim produces watermelon sized apples.   This year they came back with the new super hybrid Christmas tree that has been grown with their "secret" chemicals.  
Kleaver said he was shopping for a regular Christmas tree, but the sales lady kept after him to "get a big one" which he says confused him.
TreesRUs salesperson
Suzy Whozzie sold the
tree to Kleaver.
"She whispered to me she'd get spanked by Santa, if she didn't sell a super tree,"  Kleaver told CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor. "And it didn't help matters that she was dressed like a cute little Santa's helper."

The City Attorney has promised to file charges against TreesRUs after the holidays.  In the mean time the Kleaver family will spend Christmas at home as usual, only this year with an unusual Christmas tree.

Friday, December 20, 2013

KETTLE COMPANY THINKS POT SHOULD BE LEGAL

AFTER BEING SUED BY ITS MAIN COMPETITOR,  LOCAL COOKWARE COMPANY IS IN COURT SEEKING HELP TO GET IT'S NEW MAGIC POT ON THE MARKET IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

BRIDGEPORT

The pot in question is black
and is electric powered.
Local pot and pan company Kettle Black is back in court once again after winning a decision last year giving it the right to call itself Kettle Black.  The plaintiff in that court case, Ultra Fried, had argued that Kettle couldn't call itself Black because black is too common a color of many, if not all pots and pans. In the end the court sided with Kettle and allowed it to call itself black, thus the company name.

Now Ultra Fried is back in court trying to win an injunction to halt Kettle Black from selling a new electric cooking pot they've named the Electro Magic Pot. Ultra Fried is accusing them of patient infringement and has asked the court to side with them in calling this pot illegal.

The judge who was given this case, the honorable Les Flyy, recused himself after admitting he had tried the pot and would have trouble ruling fairly.  Finding a new judge before Christmas who has not tried the pot may be difficult, as Christmas is right around the corner.
District  Judge Les Flyy in a college
party photo, recused himself after
admitting he had tried the pot in question.
Ultra Fry hopes to keep the pot off the street for as long as possible, but realizes that the popularity of the pot in its own test kitchen, has them thinking they may be fighting a losing battle.   Dave Taylor will follow this story wherever it takes him and report back.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

SUICIDE ATTEMPT BY JUMPING OUT APARTMENT WINDOW PUTS WOMAN IN HOSPITAL

LIVING IN A BASEMENT APARTMENT MOST LIKELY SAVED HER LIFE. EXPERTS SAY IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP WHILE OTHERS SAY SHE SUFFERS FROM MIXUPEIA, A DISORDER WHERE THE PERSON AFFECTED, CAN NOT TELL UP FROM DOWN


BRIDGEPORT

Wendy Daay is now resting at BGH
Wendy Daay, 36  was taken Friday to Bridgeport General Hospital and treated for bumps and bruises she suffered in a suicide attempt jumping out her basement bedroom window.  Upon learning she will recover, her family was giving each other high fives.
The following account of what happened was given by her sister, Sonny.
Wendy had broken up with her boyfriend of ten years a little over two years ago and after struggling with mood swings and long bouts of day dreaming, she managed to pull herself together. Then last week from out of the blue, her boyfriend contacted her and told her he had been wrong and was coming back.  It was more than she could take.  She started clicking her teeth, snapping her fingers, and whistling a lot.  I should have known something was up. On Friday while I went out to shop for some scouring powder, she wrote a quick suicide note, opened the window and jumped.  I came home and heard her moaning and found her 'lying in the window well. An ambulance was called and Daay was soon on her way to the hospital.
Police were given the suicide note and although it's contents were not made public, Officer Dexter Roaddosky spoke to CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor and under condition of anonymity divulged that the boyfriend, Roger Pederstead admitted to calling Daay, but said it was only a joke, he is not coming back. He was not charged.
Doctors say that Daay will most likely be released tomorrow under the supervision of her sister.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

MAN DANCING HIMSELF TO DEATH

WHILE HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS PLEAD FOR HIM TO STOP, MAN CONTINUES WITH  QUEST TO END HIS LIFE DANCING HIMSELF TO DEATH

BRIDGEPORT

Lefty Foot in his 46th hour
of continuous dancing.
The young wife of Lefty Foot blames his parents.  Thirty years ago Hugo and Emma Foot brought twin boys into the world and named them Left and Right.  Right Foot died of an athletes disease as a baby.  Left or Lefty as he was called, survived and grew up in fear of fungus. With a name like Left Foot, he spent his childhood as a loner.   At twenty-five he met Idarya Sucklebun at a football rally and they were married two months later. 
"I can understand how he feels," Mrs. Foot said. "As a married couple, when people see us come into a room they don't say, here comes the Foots, it's, here comes the Feet. It's awful!" 
Last Friday Foot had had enough.  The jokes and innuendos about his name caused him to take negative action. According to his wife, after watching  a video of "Saturday Night Fever" something in him snapped.  He got up off the sofa and went immediately into the bedroom. He came out a few minutes later in his dancing clothes.  He kissed his wife and started dancing.  He hasn't stopped since. He danced out the door, down the street, and into  the nearest dance lounge.  
Monday morning found Foot still dancing inside the Caribou Club.  The club owner agreed to keep the doors open at the insistence of Mrs. Foot who continues to plead for her husband to stop.  Local officials were called, as well as a medical team to monitor Foot.  One doctor told CHANNEL 1 NEWS,  this may be the first documented case of Boogie Fever.
Foot has been communicating with those around him and expressed sorrow that he was putting them through his "dance of death", but it was all about the beat. A film crew has been called in to document the event as Tweets, and comments are starting to pour in from around the world.  One particular Tweet from John Travolta, wished him well.  
A representative of the Guinness Brothers Books of Records, told reporters that if Foot succeeds in dancing himself to death, he will start a new category and hold the record.  Not what his wife wanted to hear.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story until the music stops.

Monday, December 16, 2013

EVERYTHING ELVIS RETAIL STORE TO OPEN IN BRIDGEPORT

HOPING TO CASH IN ON THE LATE LEGEND'S ONGOING POPULARITY,  A FRANCHISEE OF WALMART IS BRINGING AN EVERYTHING ELVIS DEPARTMENT STORE TO TOWN

BRIDGEPORT

Does Elvis still stir up excitement after his death in 1977?  The franchise owners of Everything Elvis think so and with people already lining up to be the first ones in the new store when it opens in January, they feel they have made a safe bet.
Franchise owners Erlina and Elwood Wolfgang of Paris, Kentucky, both acknowledge that Elvis Presley died before they were born, but after watching every movie he ever made three times, they feel they know him better than anyone else.  "He would want this," Mr. Wolfgang
told reporters as he snarled his upper lip. "I mean he was the King!"
The Wolfgangs were in town to finalize leasing the old Kmart building, which has been empty for ten years.  They hope to start moving Elvis merchandise into the building before Christmas depending on the availability of Budget Truck Rentals.
Customers started lining up for Everything Elvis to
open in January. 
Everything Elvis will carry everything from Elvis toothbrushes, to Elvis underwear.  Looking for that hard to find Elvis phone booth?  You'll find one at Everything Elvis.  How about a white jump suit?  Not a problem at Everything Elvis.  The owners promise that shoppers won't be disappointed and  the first 50  people opening up a Everything Elvis charge account, will receive an Elvis tattoo and a bottle of Elvis vitamins.  They will also get their picture taken with an Elvis impersonator.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there to cover this highly anticipated event.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

BRIDGEPORT SETS RECORD WITH TWO FEET OF SNOW


LOCAL RESIDENTS WOKE UP TO TWO FEET OF SNOW ON THE SIDEWALK DOWNTOWN.  METEOROLOGISTS ARE SCRAMBLING TO EXPLAIN IT AS LOCAL CLERGY SAY IT IS AN OMEN

BRIDGEPORT
 

 

Early morning snow shovelers were shocked to find two feet of snow waiting for them this morning.  The five foot tall feet, were estimated to be a size 54 EEEE.
A podiatrist, Dr. Keisa Miassa from the Bridgeport General Clinic was called in when damage was spotted on toes of  the left foot.  "It appears to be frostbite," she said kneeling down to get a better look, "And all the toenails are missing."  She started shivering and was whisked away to a heated tent.
As meteorologist stood scratching their heads a local minister, the Reverend Peter Paul Mark John Boy declared the ten toes on the frozen feet signified ten reasons to repent before temperatures rise.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Once the temperature rises, one's chance to repent will go down the drain."  He had to be taken away from the feet against his will.
Bridgeport Mayor, Ben Dover wants the feet moved into a meat locker where they can be preserved and then put on public display in next year's 4th of July parade.  City Attorney Pat McGroin, an avid critic of the Mayor, expressed suspicions for this plan, pointing out the Mayor's recent battle with a foot fetish condition.  "And who would foot the bill for the locker rental?" McGroin asked.

As of last report, the two men were heard bickering about the fate of the feet as the feet began to shrink.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will keep a leg up on this story and report any and all new developments.


 

 
 
 


Monday, December 2, 2013

MEDICAL MALL PLUS TO OPEN IN BRIDGEPORT

CITY OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE THE FIRST OF ITS KIND MEDICAL OUTLET MALL WILL BE BUILT NEXT SPRING NEXT TO THE KMART COMPLEX ON HIGHWAY 44.  THE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND GROUND BREAKING IS APRIL FIRST.

BRIDGEPORT

An artist rendition of the Medical Mall courtyard
Last nights city council meeting trumped all others as Mayor Ben Dover stood proudly in front of the news media and announced his latest triumph.  "What was once just my  vision, will soon be a reality for the city of Bridgeport!" he proclaimed.  After pausing and wiping a tear from his eye, he broke the news of a new three million dollar medical facility project. "In an effort to make certain medical procedures easier to obtain in a shopper friendly atmosphere,  I have made an agreement with Healthy Town Incorporated to build a new mall in Bridgeport."  Details of the agreement were not made public, but the concept of the mall was.
All in all, there will be about twenty outlets within a large building all situated around a public courtyard.  Here is a list of just some of the  "merchants" coming to the new mall:

Discount Vasectomy....A family run business, "We undercut the competition!"
Midwives Inc.  Helping women have babies the old fashion way. "We pull for you, you push for us."
Right Size Dildo, Your money back if not satisfied.  "Come in for the perfect fit."
Masters of Podiatry, "We expose secrets between your toes" You'll get a kick out of our service!
Tooth Extractors-R-Us, "Teeth removed while you wait" Ask about our discount false dentures.
Boils Away,  "The pain stops here, let us relieve your pressure"
Pimples & Dimples, "We aim to squeeze and please!"
Enema Zone,  "Let our flush make you blush!" Refer a friend and get a discount on your next visit.
Comfort Colostomy, Our friendly staff knows what to do. "If you feel it, it's free!" Walk-ins welcome. 
Vagina's Secret...Vaginal Exams while you sleep. Come in, put your feet up and relax..."We wake you when it's over!"
1st National Sperm Bank...Earn money helping others. "Feel good about yourself!" Must be at least 18.

There will also be a twelve screen movie theater as well as a national Dutch supermarket within the complex.  Mayor Dover hopes to also get a McDonald's or Wendys in the mall courtyard.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story and keep our readers and viewers updated as it happens.

Friday, November 29, 2013

ULTRA RARE ONE WINGED BIRD EXCITES BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPERS

IN WHAT MAY BE A ONCE IN A LIFE TIME EVENT, A RARE ONE WINGED BIRD FLEW INTO BRIDGEPORT OVERNIGHT, CAUSING BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPERS TO  THINK IT WAS THE ULTIMATE DOOR BUSTER, RESULTING IN A STAMPEDE.  AN ALERT WAS ISSUED FOR DOWNTOWN AFTER  INJURIES WERE REPORTED....

BRIDGEPORT

This picture shows the bird coming in over the lake before landing
Shopper Terri Klawth, 25, of Bridgeport was one of hundreds of Thanksgiving night shoppers to witness the bird, as it flew in and landed in the Walmart parking lot.  "I was at Walmart for a free pregnancy test", she said, "And had never seen a one winged bird before. I remember thinking that Walmart had pulled out all the stops this time and I just had to have one!"
Klawth was knocked over in the frenzy and treated for bruises and abrasions at a first aid stand before being taken home.
As for the bird, it was able to take off before being overtaken by what some are saying was an out of control crowd.  It lifted up into the air, circled overhead, and was joined by another bird before heading south and out of town. 

Professor Ho Lee Kow
Professor Ho Lee Kow, of the Bridgeport Rapture Center learned of the rare bird sighting while watching a news alert interrupting the Thanksgiving night football game he was watching.  "I couldn't believe it," he said, "I think it possible, it might have been a Lone Wing Ranger bird. They often fly together with another rare bird called a Tonto bird.  It is no doubt they are headed South for the winter."
Bird watchers will be on the lookout next May in hopes of seeing this rare bird as it heads back North and CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE CANCELED....PARADES-R-US TO THE RESCUE!

THIS SATURDAY, PARADE GOING DIEHARDS WILL HAVE THEIR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE AFTER ALL , AS PARADES-R-US DONATES A PARADE TO THE CITY,  COMPLETE WITH FLOATS, MARCHING BANDS, AND SANTA CLAUS


BRIDGEPORT

Saturday, a little know company based in Bridgeport, Parades-R-Us will be hosting and presenting a parade to replace today's canceled parade.  "Better late, than never!",  PRU spokesman Kenny Duet told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.
This is part of the crowd that showed up this morning to  protest.   


The annual Thanksgiving Day parade, put on by the city was canceled this year due to a lack of parade floats, causing mass anger in the city. Mayor Ben Dover even decided to cut short his recent campaign win  vacation to come home and address the situation. 
Hundreds of parade goers lined the main parade route this morning, many dressed as Pilgrims, shouting obscenities and demanding that a parade be held.  City officials met at city hall just after 9 A.M. to discuss a plan to defuse the escalating turmoil in the streets.  It was quickly decided to parade the city vehicles down the parade route, officials went to the city maintenance shed where each of them manned a dump-truck, road grader, or backhoe and began parading with the protection of the police force. This tactic worked for about ten minutes before parade goers began tossing cans and bottles at the city trucks and maintenance vehicles and demanding to talk to the Mayor. 
City officials tried to appease the crowd 

It was then that Parades-R-Us spokesman Kenny Duet stepped in and announced over loud speakers that his company would donate a parade, which would take place this Saturday. He was given a huge round of applause from the crowd and they quickly began to disperse.  Order was restored just as smiling Mayor Dover's limo pulled up. After hearing of PRUs gift, he said, "It's times like these, that I'm proud to be the Mayor of this fine city!" and then he added, "Happy Thanksgiving to all!"  





Saturday, November 23, 2013

CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S DAVE TAYLOR "OUTED" DURING MORNING RUN

IS CHANNEL 1 NEWS ANCHOR DAVE TAYLOR REALLY A JOCK?  RUMORS ARE SWIRLING AFTER PHOTOGRAPH SURFACES ON THE WEB

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


This picture of Dave Taylor was
posted early today showing Taylor
out for a morning run.
It is somewhat embarrassing for this news source to be posting a story about it's award seeking, lead anchor Dave Taylor, but after a reader in the far off state of Florida brought it to our attention, we were told by Taylor to "run with it!" No pun intended.
"In keeping with our integrity, there can be no cover-ups" Taylor told the staff tonight in an impromptu meeting.  As it turns out, Taylor has been a closet jock for some time now, often running in disguise.
"That will stop," he said.  "I hope others will "come out" with me
and run, skip, jog, do summer-salts, or climb trees."
As for the reader from Florida, Taylor sends a thank you for "outing" him.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow Taylor's progress as he begins training for a one armed pull-up competition later this year.

THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE CANCELED DUE TO FLOAT SHORTAGE LEAVING SANTA OUT IN THE COLD

ONLY TWO FLOAT ENTRANTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED LEAVING PARADE OFFICIALS NO CHOICE BUT TO PULL THE PLUG. LEAVING THE  CITY STILL OWING SANTA CLAUS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

With all the chaos surrounding the Black Friday/Thanksgiving day shopping debacle, it looks like the real casualty will be the annual Thanksgiving Day parade.  A parade that normally has over fifty floats and marching bands, had only two floats signed to parade as of yesterday.  Making matters worse, the contract the city has with Santa Claus to bring up the rear of the parade may still have to be honored, costing the city $2500 plus expenses.
"Where are all the float entrants this year?" asked Mayor Ben Dover, via phone from Disney World, where he is celebrating after winning another term as Mayor.  No one could answer his question though, as no one knew the answer.  The Mayor said he is cutting short his vacation and will return to Bridgeport to help salvage the parade, but as gallant as that sounds, it's already too late.
File photo from Bridgeport parade last year.
Santa threw candy along the parade route.

Councilman Iken Doolittle and City Attorney Pat McGroin are in negotiations with Santa Claus about reducing his fee, because of the parade cancellation.  Attorney McGroin expressed doubt about getting out of the contract however, because Santa had turned down other parade offers to participate in the Bridgeport parade.

It's looking like the city may be on the hook for the full amount plus, meaning the small print in the contract stipulates that if there is a cancellation of his services, he receives an extra $500 in punitive damages.
All in all it is a sorry mess and hopefully it will be brought under control in time for next year.  Mayor Dover has promised that he will do all he can to make next year's parade, the best ever.  Spoken like a true politician.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story as it "unwinds".


Friday, November 22, 2013

WOMAN PLANS TO SUE OVER ESCALATOR ENTRAPMENT

WIFE OF MAN TRAPPED ON AN ESCALATOR SAYS HUSBAND IS STILL TRAUMATIZED  DUE TO THE EFFECTS HE SUFFERED IN LAST FRIDAY'S INCIDENT AND MAY NEED TO BE HOSPITALIZED

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Edith Packman, the wife of Eddy Packman of Bridgeport has filed a lawsuit in district court over an incident that took place last Friday at the Big Buy department store on 7th St.  (See story in earlier edition of CHANNEL 1 NEWS) In the lawsuit she is claiming the department store is at fault for allowing it's escalator to malfunction, causing her husband to be trapped midway between floors.
"He hasn't been the same since," Mrs. Packman was quoted as saying.  "He won't use the stairs at home now and has to sleep on the love seat, which I hate. I am beside myself because I can't get him to come upstairs to bed.  I'm tired of sleeping alone and will also sue for loss of affection!" 

Edith Packman says she's beside
herself because she can't get her
husband to come upstairs to bed.
I'm starved for his  affection.
She went on to say that when he was stuck on the escalator, he was forced to hold his bladder from emptying, resulting in him biting his lower lip to the point of bleeding. "The man went through hell, both emotionally and physically!" she added, becoming visibly shaken.

Surveillance  photo of woman tampering
with the escalator electrical box.
Big Buy refused to comment due to the upcoming lawsuit, although the store manager agreed to talk under condition of  anonymity.  He told CHANNEL 1 NEWS that the Packmans come into the store quite regularly to ride the escalators and on the day the escalator malfunctioned, the store has surveillance video footage that shows Mrs. Packman tampering with an electrical box containing the escalator controls.  "This will all come out in the trail." he promised.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story into the courtroom if necessary.  As for the escalator in question, it has carried hundreds of riders without incident since being re-started last Friday.


Thursday, November 21, 2013

SHARP SWORD GIVING IN TO THE GROWING TREND AND WILL OPEN ON THANKSGIVING DAY

 AS MORE AND MORE RETAILERS JUMP ON THE BANDWAGON, SHARP OWNER SAYS SHE  HAD NO CHOICE

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Wanda Sharp shown here in her downtown showroom,
says she'll be open at 11:30 A.M. Thanksgiving Day.

 
Wanda Sharp has owned and operated Sharp Swords in downtown Bridgeport for over ten years and this will be the first time she will have the store open on Thanksgiving Day. 
"Personally I don't like the idea," she told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "I've always waited until Black Friday, but that won't cut it this year. I've had over a hundred inquiries from folks around the area asking if I'd be open on the holiday.  Maybe they're using my swords to carve the turkey!" she added with a grin.
The store will open at 11:30 A.M. Sharp plans to go all out with a door-buster and offer a free Samurai sword to the first twenty people through the door.  Kids will be welcome too and each one with or without an adult will receive an 8" chocolate dagger. Sharp will also preview her new line of medieval clothing, starting at 2 P.M.  "If people are looking to dress like they did back in the Dark Ages, they'll want to be here for this." Sharp was quoted as saying. 

Many Bridgeport businesses have been waiting to see if their competition will be open before deciding whether to open on the holiday or not.  Many are wanting to move Thanksgiving to Wednesday so as they can stay home and celebrate with family.  "I'm all for that!" said Sharp.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS  office will be closed that day, but Dave Taylor will be on duty as usual.


Monday, November 18, 2013

MAN STRANDED ON ESCALATOR RESCUED AFTER TWO HOUR ORDEAL

MAN'S WIFE WAS OVERJOYED TO HEAR HUSBAND WAS SAFE AFTER SPENDING OVER TWO HOURS STUCK ON A BROKEN ESCALATOR.

BRIDGEPORT, Mn


Eddy Packman shows how close he came
 to wetting his pants while stuck on
an escalator.
Eddy Packman, 53, of Bridgeport found himself not going anywhere fast yesterday, when he was trapped between floors at the Big Buy department store on 7th Street.  "I was doing a little early Christmas shopping at Big Buy and was headed to the basement to use the rest room, when I heard a big screech," Packman told CHANNEL 1 NEWS. "Everything stopped moving and there I stood standing a little over half way up the escalator."

According to department store officials, there were about ten other shoppers also trapped when the escalator came to a halt, but everyone remained calm, avoiding a panic situation.  Those ten, eight women and two children were close to the bottom and able to make their way off the escalator.  Packman however was about two thirds of the way up and told store personnel he suffers from Acrophobia, a fear of heights.  A repair service was called as Packman stood, eyes closed and gripping the rubber hand railings.
About forty-five minutes later an escalator repair service arrived and began working on the problem.  After an hour and a half the escalator was still broken and due to Packman hyper-ventilating, the fire department was called.  "We didn't want the guy to end up falling down the stairs." store manager Oral Dickson was quoted as saying.  "He was sweating and  white with fright!"
Bridgeport Fire Station #3 arrived in ten minutes and had Packman back on the main floor in no time, where his wife greeted him with a big hug.  He immediately went to the restroom and after fifteen minutes, the couple quickly made their way out of the store avoiding the press, who had gathered to interview Packman.
At last report the escalator is repaired and working once again.  

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

BEN DOVER WINS THIRD TERM AS MAYOR OF BRIDGEPORT

CLOSELY CONTESTED RACE BETWEEN DOVER AND IKEN DOOLITTLE ENDS WITH THE INCUMBENT MAYOR GETTING 51% OF THE VOTE


 
 
Ben Dover was elected to a third term as Bridgeport's Mayor. 
This photo, released by his office, shows him accepting the news.
BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

As the final votes were counted last night Mayor Ben Dover and his opponent in the race, Iken Doolittle sat on opposite sides of
a picnic table in Alf's Gentleman's Club, next door to City Hall.  It wasn't until that last fifty votes were counted that a winner was declared. 
At 11:02 P.M. voting head judge Clara Bell stood up and declared Dover the winner by eleven votes. With only 712 total votes cast, it was one of the worst turn outs in Bridgeport history.  The contest loser Doolittle, upon hearing the decision, stood up and congratulated his opponent. 
"My biggest regret is having to cancel my trip to Disneyland." he said.  "My kids will be heartbroken that I lost." In a show of good will, Mayor Dover offered to take Doolittle's kids to Disneyland in his place, which Doolittle declined.  They shook hands and parted.

The real victory party started just after midnight with free beer and brats, followed by an arm twisting competition.  "Arm twisting is an important part of politics." Dover said.
Dover was to leave this morning on city business, for what he called a fact finding mission in Brazil.  "I want to explore the trade possibilities," he told a small crowd waiting for a refill near the free beer keg.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS hopes to interview the Mayor upon his return in ten days to get an insight to what he plans for the city in the coming year.





Tuesday, November 5, 2013

MAYOR BEN DOVER SEEKS HIS THIRD TERM

ELECTION DAY HAS ARRIVED AND BRIDGEPORT CITIZENS ARE TURNING OUT IN DROVES, POLLS CLOSE AT 7:59 P.M.

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Now that election day 2013 has arrived, the in-fighting  between rivals Mayor Ben Dover and City Councilman Iken Doolittle is over and their futures are in the hands of the good people of Bridgeport.

Iken Doolittle
CHANNEL 1 NEWS has been following both candidates the last few months and the findings have been made public. 

Ben Dover
There is quite a difference between the two men, both privately and publicly.  Dover likes to govern like there's no tomorrow, while Doolittle puts things off until tomorrow, saying haste makes waste.  Dover has logged just over 12000 miles this year skipping around the world on city business, while Doolittle sprained an ankle skipping rope. Dover pushed a bill to make marijuana legal within the city limits so it could be controlled and taxed and also to discourage cartels from coming into Bridgeport, while Doolittle instituted a bill that would make Halloween a city holiday.  (It should be noted that Dover was all for another city holiday.)  Iken is a family man who stays home at night with his wife and children, while Dover is between wives, stating he is too busy doing the city's  work to settle down. (It should be noted that he was often accompanied by a troupe of  female "assistants" while on city business out of town.)

The differences between these two men goes on and on, but when it comes to Bridgeport, both men tear up when talking about the city.  Up until last August the men were friends.  It was then that Doolittle announced his plans to oppose Dover and run for mayor.  After the votes are in and counted, Dover has said if he retains the office, he will leave immediately on a fact finding mission to Brazil.  If Doolittle wins, he's going to Disneyland, but will be back by the following Monday..  

CHANNEL 1 NEWS will announce the results as soon as a winner is declared.






Monday, November 4, 2013

RARE DISEASE SCHWARTZENSPEAK IS THE TALK OF THE TOWN!

DOCTORS AT A LOCAL HOSPITAL BAFFLED, SAYING MORE TESTING IS NEEDED TO RULE OUT ARNOLD IMPERSONATORS

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


Dr. Shitzeen Giggils M.D
"I'm not a man, dammit!"
A newly discovered disease which attacks the vocal cords, has been named Schwartzenspeak for the way those stricken take on the accent of famous movie actor and former California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Visiting medical researcher Dr. Shitzeen Giggils of the Struggling for Better Health Clinic or SBHC as it's called, arrived in town on Saturday to interview the latest cases to come down with the disease.  "The rate of rare diseases is increasing." she said in a statement to local radio station KIDG.  Dr. Giggils, who herself was stricken with the disease at an early age, has dedicated her practice to finding a cure. "I know wot it is like to have yur speech joeked about behind yur back.  I even get mistaken for Arnold sometime an I'm not a man, dammit!"
As of last count, 22 people in Bridgeport have been diagnosed with Schwartzenspeak.  The youngest being 15 and the oldest 89.  Doctors aren't sure just yet how the disease is spread.    It was first thought to be spread mouth to mouth, but that was quickly ruled out when two cases who claimed they caught it over the phone, were confirmed.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will continue to follow this story and report any breakthroughs in this strange and up to now, rare disease.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

NEW STUDY SHOWS CHANNEL 1 NEWS IS THE MOST POPULAR NEWS SOURCE IN KANSAS

THREE OUT OF FIVE BETWEEN THE AGES OF ELEVEN AND THIRTY NINE LOOK TO DAVE TAYLOR FOR THEIR NEWS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Dorothy (if she were a real person) of Wizard of Oz fame, would have been an avid follower of Dave Taylor (yes he is real) and CHANNEL 1 NEWS, because she falls between the age of eleven and thirty-nine.  Because of the latest study, facts are telling the news source that instead of "we're not in Kansas any more!" it is, "Hey, we're now in Kansas more!"

Dorothy, Tin Man, and the Scarecrow
would have been avid followers of
Channel 1 News had they really lived.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS, based in Bridgeport, Mn. learned this surprising news on a midnight conference call with WEELY BIG NEWS, (WBN) a polling company based on the Japanese island of Shitzky.  WBN president Yu Gooyanfat called CHANNEL 1 NEWS just after midnight to report their findings of the new found popularity. 
WBN's study also found that the Tin Man and Scare Crow also would have been avid followers.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS Senior analyst and anchorman Dave Taylor told his colleagues not to get a big head just yet, reminding them of a similar report last May from the creator of SpongeBob, Stephan Hillenburg.  That report told of the popularity of CHANNEL 1 NEWS in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom.
"Until these latest findings can be verified, we will move forward slowly." Taylor told the giddy board members.
Time will tell.



Wednesday, October 30, 2013

BRIDGEPORT TO GO ALL OUT FOR HALLOWEEN

AFTER MONTHS OF INDECISION, CITY LEADERS DECIDE TO MAKE HALLOWEEN THE GATEWAY TO THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


Milk chocolate hand guns, bullets and
hand grenades will be given out during
the parade.
Mayor Ben Dover got his way once again, convincing the city council to declare Halloween, a city holiday. All government offices will be closed and downtown streets will be closed to traffic in preparation for a huge parade.  There will be a costume contest, a pumpkin carving contest, and a beer chugging competition, for the adults and free candy guns and grenades for the kids. 


Mayor Dover at last year's parade with
the winners of the best float contest.
The festivities begin tomorrow at 7 A.M. with a beer breakfast at Grandpa's Tap in lower town.  Free raw eggs and beer to the first 100 patrons will be followed by registration for the kick boxing  tournament for beginners.  The mayor will give a short speech about his upcoming business trip to Cancun in hopes of landing a trade agreement with that city and then he will declare the rules and the route for this years parade.  As the parade judge from last year, he hopes to encourage more entries this year by offering a free turkey dinner to each float team. 
CHANNEL 1 NEWS talked to the Mayor about the importance of this Halloween celebration and how it would lead into Friday.  "We hope to draw a huge crowd into town for Halloween," Dover said.  "After the fun and excitement of a parade and all, we will kick off the Thanksgiving Day holiday season at midnight.  The grocery stores will all be open and they will be selling turkeys really cheap!  To top that off, the bars will stay open all night!  This will give the public a real head-start on Thanksgiving and the Bridgeport economy will get a much needed shot in the tush."

Senior editor and reporter Dave Taylor has been asked to be the Grand Marshall of the parade and is looking forward to riding in a parade float.  His report will be published this weekend. 



Monday, October 7, 2013

BRIDGEPORT CITY OFFICES ARE CLOSED DUE TO SHUTDOWN

AS FEARED ALL CITY OFFICES ARE SHUT AND ALL CITY EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN FURLOUGHED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.  LACK OF GARBAGE PICKUP IS CAUSING A BIG STINK.  MAYOR HOPES TO REACH AN AGREEMENT WITH CITY COUNCIL BEFORE NEXT WEEK

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

As first reported last Wednesday, city politics in Bridegport has hit a new low.  All employees have been sent home, offices locked, and city services have stopped.  Following the lead of the national shutdown, Mayor Ben Dover and his bickering counterparts on the city council have agreed to not agree on anything.  Only the police department is still operating due to a special decree issued by Mayor Dover.  The Police also act as body guards for the Mayor in times of turmoil. 

With city services shut down, scenes
like this one are all over the city. In
this picture the police guard against
garbage looting.
As expected, the biggest complaint so far is the lack of garbage pick-up.  Garbage workers were the first furloughed, as they are unionized and collect the largest salaries.  With garbage already beginning to accumulate in the streets, residents are seeing rats and other rodents running about, prompting calls to 911.  The Mayor promised reduced extermination pricing during the shut down, noting that his brother Tip, owns an extermination company over in Ballsey County.  "I've already talked to Tip and he's ready to come in here and exterminate these critters," the Mayor told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "He will give the city a 30% discount." 
At City Hall, city council members are crying fowl to this sort of an arrangement.  "Hiring your family to come in and provide a costly service, even at a discount is unethical." said Councilwoman  Marilee Krupt.  As noted in an earlier story, Krupt, Bangfer Yerbuk, and Iken Doolittle have filed papers to run against the Mayor in the upcoming elections.  Local pundits are saying this was the beginning of the current flap resulting in the shutdown. 
The Mayor and City Council will meet again this coming weekend as they gather for a scheduled ground breaking event for a new bowling alley and entertainment parlor.  "When ever we get together in one place, there is hope." the Mayor said via telephone.   CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there also and hopefully an agreement to end the shutdown will come to pass.





Sunday, October 6, 2013

MAN LOSES MEMORY SLEEPING ON MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS

FAMILY OF MAN WHO LOST HIS MEMORY AFTER SLEEPING ON A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS PLANS TO SUE.  MATTRESS HAS BEEN SEIZED BY SHERIFF'S OFFICE AS EVIDENCE.

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Mitch Wallace can't remember anything
after sleeping on a memory foam mattress.
Members of a Bridgeport family have had nothing but sleepless nights since their brother woke up last Thursday without any memories.  After a short investigation, it was discovered that he had slept on a new memory foam mattress and somehow his memory had been drawn from him. 
Mitch Wallace, 40, a trampoline designer and inspector from Bridgeport bragged to his neighbors last Wednesday that he had just bought a new memory foam mattress.  On Thursday morning he didn't even know who his neighbors were. 

In one of the most mysterious cases of amnesia to date, this case is very troubling to local authorities on many fronts.  Sheriff Holden Butts had his deputies confiscate the white harmless looking mattress along with the pillows just in case what some were saying was true. 

Trixy Love, owner of the Dream Sleeper
Mattress Barn shown here on one of her
best selling mattresses.
The Dream Sleeper Mattress Barn of Bridgeport stands by its memory foam mattress, saying the accusations are ridiculous.  As for Mitch, who graduated 15th in his class, his wife says he can't even remember where her "meow" is.  She plans to sue for alienation of affection.
Mean while Mayor Ben Dover told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "I've got friends that work at the Dream Sleeper Mattress Barn, so I can't take sides, but I've know Trixy Love the owner and she knows her mattresses."
Wallace will be kept in a special wing of the hospital until it can be determined he is not a risk to himself or others.  The mattress has been placed on the floor at the county jail.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story and report any updates.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

BRIDGEPORT BRACES FOR CITY GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

FOLLOWING IN THE SHADOW OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, BRIDGEPORT MAYOR IS AT ODDS WITH THE CITY COUNCIL

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Many in the angry group at City Hall
last evening to protest the failed garbage
pick-up, wore gas masks to make
 their point. "My street stinks!" yelled
on protester.
Just as the federal governmental shutdown is beginning to take hold, local residents of Bridgeport learned they may be in for a double whammy.  The city government may be shut down until the Mayor and City Council can come to terms over the upcoming mayoral race.
Mayor Ben Dover dispensed this news to an angry group outside of city hall last evening, that had gathered to attend a scheduled city council meeting to protest failed garbage pickup.  After learning the meeting had been called off due to a computer glitch, the group started shouting obscenities outside the mayor's office window, prompting the mayor to come outside to address them.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS learned from a source close to the Mayor, that Mayor Dover is not happy with some in the council planning to run against him in the upcoming election.  He has deleted many of the city records, prompting a lay off of city workers.  When confronted with this, the Mayor denied it, but said until things could be worked out, all city services would be on hold.


Councilman Iken Doolittle hopes to
work out the garbage pick-up problem
before things get really sour.
City Councilman Iken Doolittle, when reached at his home, was dumbfounded.  "This is why I'm running against him," he said.  "I'll give the citizens the kind of leadership they crave.  Hopefully we can keep the city services open while we work through this.  I'm off until Monday and then I'll call the Mayor and ask for a meeting."

CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this latest story and report any updates.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

CHRISTIAN SINGLES BAR TO CLOSE DOORS

THE OWNER OF JC'S, THE CITIES ONLY CHRISTIAN SINGLES BAR  WILL CLOSE ON FRIDAY. THE BAR WAS OPENED AS A PLACE FOR CHRISTIAN SINGLES TO MEET AND SHARE A BREW, HOWEVER IT WAS UNABLE TO KEEP OUT PATRONS OF OTHER FAITHS RESULTING IN FIGHTS, STABBINGS, AND SHOOTINGS

BRIDGEPORT. Mn.

Bar owner Arthur Menn, whose is listed in the phone book as  A. Menn, saw his dream project of a singles bar for Christians go the way of the 5¢ beer.  He will close the door to his bar for the final time on Friday.

Menn opened JC'S at the end of Lent this year hoping to create a place for Christian singles to meet and loosen up a little.  All went well until the 4th of July when non Christians began coming in to celebrate the holiday.  Muslim patrons soon  filed a complaint because of the pork tenderloin sandwich specials on Thursdays and Jewish patrons were upset with the large lighted cross on the outside bar sign.  Violence erupted in the weeks that followed and police were soon being summoned daily.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS obtained a crime report for JC'S and learned that there had been eight fights, three stabbings, and two shootings in the weeks from July 4 until July 31.  Strangely enough, each person arrested claimed to be "doing God's work."   Menn decided enough was enough and the decision to close the bar was final.


Buffy Upp, 26 met Lloyd Fingers,
73, online and plans to be a regular
 at Sugar Daddy's.
Menn plans to re-theme the bar and re-open as "Sugar Daddy's" on Halloween.  He hopes to bring together younger women and older "well off" men.  "There are a lot of younger gals out there that need a sugar daddy," said a winking Menn to CHANNEL 1 NEWS correspondent Dave Taylor.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS  will monitor the progress and file a report the day after Halloween.









Sunday, September 22, 2013

GUN LOBBYIST SHOOTS SELF TO PROVE A POINT

THE NATIONAL GUN RIGHTS DEBATE TOOK CENTER STAGE IN BRIDGEPORT LAST EVENING  WHEN SECOND AMENDMENT ACTIVIST  DAZZEL  RASCALI TOOK THE PODIUM AT A DINNER RALLY AND ENDED UP SHOOTING HIMSELF

BRIDGEPORT Mn.


To show the attendees at the gun rally that
 guns don't shoot people, people do, Dazzel Rascali
 shot himself in the head. Miraculously the
 bullet missed his brain and he will recover.
The Bridgeport Maiden Hotel was the meeting place last night for an NRA sponsored dinner/fund raiser.  Over 40 attendees dined on breaded lobster fish sticks and french fries while enjoying a Paul Revere and the Raiders cover band. Outside the hotel an anti-NRA group marched in the street handing out pro marijuana pamphlets. 

After dinner and one last song request for the band, the meeting's main speaker, Dazzel Rascali, 42, took the stage to welcome those in attendance.  Rascali, a well liked gun lobbyist is known for his unorthodox methods of getting his message across.  Tonight was no different.  Midway through his presentation, after fielding a question about the mass shootings across the country, he pulled out a Glock pistol and to the astonishment of the diners, held it point blank to his head. "Guns don't kill people," he said, "people do."  With that he pulled the trigger, blowing away most of his head.  He took two steps backwards and fell to his knees before falling over in a heap. 

Women in the audience cried and men moaned, their dining experience ruined witnessing Rascali's life changing event.   The hotel Chef rushed up on stage and kept Rascali company until paramedics arrived and took him away.  Most thought he would not make it to the hospital, but would learn that  miraculously the bullet had missed his brain and doctors gave him an 86% chance of recovery, although the reattachment of his ear was given only a 12% success rating. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to briefly talk with Rascali this morning.  He was resting comfortably and drinking a Dr.Pepper.  The last thing he remembered about last night was the cover band playing "It's Just Like Me", a Paul Revere hit from the '60s.
He wanted everyone in Bridgeport to know that he would be back to finish his talk,  he wants to end peoples fear of guns for good.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.





Thursday, September 19, 2013

TAINTED MOUTH WASH LEAVES MAN NEAR DEATH AND WITH A BAD TASTE IN HIS MOUTH

MAYORAL CANDIDATE IKEN DOOLITTLE IS CREDITED WITH SAVING THE MANS LIFE AFTER DETECTING TAINTED MOUTH WASH IN MAN'S BREATH

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Iken Doolittle shown here in a
previous photo, is being hailed
as a hero.
Less than a week after announcing his candidacy for Bridgeport's top spot as the Mayor, City Councilman Iken Doolittle is being hailed as a hero.  On Wednesday morning as Doolittle enjoyed his apricot/rhubarb juice at The Breakfast Club Cafe, Delbert Stank, 60, from nearby Clusterbang Lake stumbled in holding his throat and dropped heavily to his knees.  As others in the cafe screamed and scrambled to leave, Doolittle instinctively began sniffing Stank's breath and was able to determine that the stink in Stank's breath came from recently gargled tainted mouthwash.
"Stank's breath was stinky," Doolittle said. "And with my abnormally heightened sniffing receptors, I could smell something wrong from across the room."  As Stank writhed around on the floor in obvious discomfort, Doolittle took one sniff of his breath and immediately grabbed a butter knife from a table and scrapped Stank's throat to get a culture.  Using a new app on his IPhone he quickly was able to study the culture and diagnose the problem of tainted mouthwash.  He gave Stank an antidote and within minutes Stank was well enough to be transported to the hospital where he was treated for fractured knees and scrape wounds in his throat.

Delbert Stank rests comfortably
in the hospital after gargling
tainted mouth wash.
As reported in an earlier story, Doolittle is a self taught morning breath oder evaluator, who earns a hefty living as a free lance morning breath sniffer. He sells his results to bad breath companies world wide.  He announced his candidacy for Mayor earlier in the week and when asked by OFF THE WALL NEWS if he thought this bit of heroism would get him more votes, he replied, "I hope so.  This is going to be a very close race, but I think I can win by a nose."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow all the candidates in this most important of city races.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

BRIDGEPORT POLICTAL SCENE HEATS UP AS TWO MORE ENTER MAYORAL RACE

CITY COUNCILMAN DOOLITTLE'S ANNOUNCEMENT YESTERDAY THAT HE WILL SEEK TO UPSET MAYOR DOVER HAS PROMPTED TWO OTHERS TO TOSS THEIR HATS INTO THE RING

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Mayor Ben Dover was very surprised when told one of the sitting city council members planned to oppose him in the November elections.  Contacted last evening on the Mediterranean Island of Sardinia, where he and his secretaries are on a business trip,  he talked  to CHANNEL 1 NEWS via Skype during a break in what was said to be  a very important meeting. 
"I hope Councilman Doolittle is fooling around again, he likes to fool around you know." Dover said with a face getting redder by the minute. "He needs to stick to what he does best and that's sniffing other peoples morning breath!" 
The connection was lost before the Mayor could be told the field of candidates had grown. Two more Bridgeportians  have tossed their hat into the ring bringing the total of challengers to three.

Marilee Krupt is well known down-
town Bridgeport for fights against
city hall over bar closing times.
Bangfer Yurbuck immigrated to
Bridgeport from Iran in 2003
to begin a new career.
Bangfer Yerbuk, 69, and Marilee Krupt, 47, both of Bridgeport filed papers only hours after City Councilman Iken Doolittle made his announcement on Friday. 
Yerbuk was born in Iran and raised dust mites until he immigrated to Bridgeport in 2003 in reply to an add seeking sperm donors.  "I've always been single, but I'm the father of many hundreds." he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "I'm good at my trade, work fast, and if elected Mayor will use a hands-on approach at getting the job done."
Krupt, a life long resident says she will bring about change.  "Change is important," she told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "Especially when we got a Mayor like this Ben Dover.  He takes our tax money and gallivants all over the world!  I'll change that and only gallivant in Bridgeport."
Political pundents are saying it's too early to make any predictions, but this may be a close race.  As of this report, Mayor Dover is still unaware of the growing field of challengers.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will continue trying to reach him and give you his reactions and comments.




 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

CITY COUNCILMAN TO TAKE ON THE MAYOR IN UPCOMING ELECTION

COUNCILMAN IKEN DOOLITTLE FILES PAPERS TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DOVER IN THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


City Councilman Iken "Ike" Doolittle
promises to clean up City Hall and rid
it of bad breath.
Iken Doolittle, or Ike as someone once called him, filed papers today showing his intent to run against Mayor Ben Dover in November.  Doolittle says there's much to do and he plans on doing as much as he can if elected.
"I'll do what it takes, " he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS at an impromptu announcement party at the Bridgeport Pollen Collection Center.  "Most people have no idea I am a guy who isn't afraid to drink diet colas, aspartame or no."
Doolittle, 43, is a self taught breath odor evaluator working free lance out of his home.  "Its something I dreamed about doing when I was a kid", he said. "Basically I take deep sniffs of people's morning breath, especially those with breath inundated with coffee and other known bad-breath makers to test how good mints and mouthwashes work or don't work. The information I collect is invaluble to the fresh breath companies.  It's fun and I get time off if I get a head cold."

Doolittle is also a family man and in his spare time likes to scrape gum off the bottom of restaurant tables, theater seats, and sidewalks. "It's something the whole family can do together," he grinned.  "If I'm elected Mayor, I plan to get serious about cutting taxes and refinishing the chairs in the city hall council chambers."

CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow Doolittle's campaign up to the election and plans to do a story on his private life.


Friday, September 13, 2013

STRIP POKER COMES TO BRIDGEPORT NIGHT CLUB

WITH THE BLESSING OF THE MAYOR, STRIP POKER BECAME LEGAL TODAY IN BRIDGEPORT DRINKING ESTABLISHMENTS. OPPONENTS MARCHING OUTSIDE THE BARS WERE DISPERSED BY COURT ORDER ONCE THE GAME BECAME LEGAL AT 8 P.M.


BRIDGEPORT, MN.


Richard Head, 25, looks on in disbelief after losing
in the first round of the strip poker tournament held
 in Bridgeport at Lucky's Bar and Strip Poker Club.
The city of Bridgeport became the first city in the United States to legalize the playing of strip poker in public establishments prompting Lucky's Bar in downtown Bridgeport to hold it's first strip poker tournament on Friday night.  Lucky's owners obtained  the required license earlier in the day and changed their establishments name to Lucky's Bar and Strip Poker Club.

As expected, a huge crowd showed up Friday evening for the free wiener and melon feed that preceded the beginning of the strip poker tournament.  Mayor Ben Dover was on hand to cut the ribbon to get things rolling and act as an official observer. 
The first round began promptly at 8:01 with three tables of four players at each table.  The rules were standard five card stud rules except with deuces, threes, and Jacks wild.
Mayor Ben Dover second from right gets
ready to cut the ribbon at Lucky's Bar
and Strip Poker Club as owners Walt and
Iris Pimpleton look on.
The rules of strip poker were followed with clothing used in place of poker chips.  Richard Head, 25, of Bridgeport had the distinction of becoming the tournament's first loser after he lost all his clothes in six hands.  He spent the rest of the evening sitting on a bench shaking his head in disbelief as his wife and sister-in-law sat nearby giggling. 
Meanwhile local clergy hope to find a way to stop the strip poker playing saying the rules of stud poker are not being followed making it an illegal card game.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow up on the findings and file a report.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

EZ FITNESS OPENS IN BRIDGEPORT

EZ FITNESS OPENS IN BRIDGEPORT WITH A "NO SWEAT" APPROACH TO FITNESS,  MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS ARE BRISK

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Escalators at EZ Fitness  make it easy for
clients to get to the entrance. "Its our no sweat
approach." said EZ Fitness Co-Owner
Preston Nubbs.
At long last Bridgeport has joined the rest of the world and can now boast having a fitness center.  EZ Fitness, a Hollywood based franchise company opened a new store over the weekend.  The EZ Fitness Gym is located in the old Bridgeport Packing Plant building on UpChuck St. and has the company's signature entrance complete with escalators. 
Co-Owner Preston Nubbs was quick to point out the escalators are part of the no sweat approach to fitness.  "At EZ Fitness, if you're sweating, you're over doing it," he said.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor, a stickler for fitness sat down and talked with franchise owner/operators Preston Nubbs and Tyler Bates at Mom's Pizza Parlor.


Co-Owners Preston Nubbs and Tyler
Bates are looking forward to living in
Bridgeport.They have been close friends
since high school.
Taylor asked the pair to explain the EZ Fitness approach and motto.  Bates without hesitation spoke up, "Let me go first.  The company motto is 'If you want to get fit, no sweat' and we believe the motto says it all! You don't have to sweat to get fit.  From the time you ride the escalators up to the door, to the end of your twenty minute breathing routine and back down to the street again, you shouldn't have a drop of sweat on you." 
Next Nubbs added, "Man is the only animal that sweats! Did you know that?  And that's because he allows himself to get all worked up.  Our approach is to unwork you, taking a no work, no sweat approach.  We even have woolen Tee shirts that say "NO SWEAT" printed on them and all new paying members will get to wear one."

Memberships at EZ Fitness start at $89 for the 21 year old and younger crowd while older and heavy sweaters can expect to pay $199 for a six month membership.  EZ Fitness hours are 9:30 A.M. to 3 P.M. Tuesday thru Friday.  Closed weekends and Mondays.   CHANNEL 1 NEWS hopes to report more about this amazing business as testimonials become available.





Sunday, September 8, 2013

POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP FINALS TO BE HELD IN BRIDGEPORT

AFTER TEN DAYS OF LATE NIGHT MEETINGS IN LAS VEGAS, MAYOR NEGOTIATES AND LANDS WHAT HE IS  CALLING "THE BIG ONE!"  HE PROMISES THE UPCOMING HOLIDAYS WILL BE VERY VERY MOVING... 

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.



Mayor Ben Dover was all "thumbs up"
to busing in pole dancers.
Mayor Ben Dover announced today he has secured the rights to have Bridgeport host the 2013 Amateur Pole Dancing Championships.  The two day event will take place on December 30 & 31 in the newly remodeled Firehouse Lounge and Bowling Alley, with the winner  being crowned at midnight on New Years Eve.
 The Mayor, speaking at a breakfast meeting this morning, told the small crowd gathered to protest his corrupt administration and wasteful spending, the Pole Dancing event will bring much needed revenue to the city as well as bus loads of Pole dancers.  


These are the type of Pole dancers
Mayor Dover had hoped to bring to Bridgeport.
In the crowd, Mayor Dover's harshest critic, City Attorney Pat McGroin was quick to point out the bus loads of dancers were not Polish dancers, as the Mayor would have us believe.  "No, these are female pole dancers from bars and strip clubs across the country.  Bridgeport will be a hotbed of lust and lewdness!" he cried, causing many older ladies in the crowd to shake their fists.  The Mayor was then hurriedly escorted out a rear door to his waiting limo.  
CHANNEL 1 NEWS caught up to the Mayor later as he played a morning round of golf.  "I can understand my critic's anger," he said as he sunk a putt on green three.  "I was led to believe the Polish citizens of our country held a huge Polka fest each year and I thought why not try to steer it to Bridgeport.  I mean, who has more fun than Poles dancing?  If I'd known it was pole dancing  like you know, strippers with a fireman's pole, I would have walked away."

Champion Pole Dancer Suzy
Silickski is excited to attend
Bridgeport's tournament. She is
a Polish pole dancer from Chicago.
 

Asked how much bringing this event to Bridgeport would cost, the Mayor shrugged and said the figures hadn't been tallied yet.  Meanwhile at City Hall, City Attorney McGroin promised to draw up papers that would undo the Mayor's commitment to the Pole Dancers of America or PDA. "Bringing strippers into our newly remodeled firehouse to use the new poles would be a travesty," he said shaking his head.  "Turning it into a bar and bowling alley was one thing, but this takes it too far!"
The upcoming city meeting is sure to lead to a further spilt in city government.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there from gavel to gavel.








Tuesday, September 3, 2013

BREAKING NEWS !! ELVIS PRESLEY IS ALIVE AND CARING FOR HIS FREAK CLONE

THERE IS LATE BREAKING NEWS OUT OF MEXICO TODAY OF A 1975 CLONING OF ELVIS THAT WENT TERRIBLY WRONG, LEADING ELVIS TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH....

TIJUANA, Mexico


Elvis as he looks today.Looking up
at the man that found him, he said,
 "Thank you, "Thank you very much!"
Felli Miboni, a faithful fan and follower of Elvis Presley miraculously stumbled into the king's secret hide-a-way in Tijuana late last night. There in a nearly darkened room he found an elderly gentleman sitting next to a bed, where a younger looking version of the old man lay with his legs shaking.  Upon looking closely at the old man's face, he realized the elderly man was the very man he had worshiped for many years, Elvis Presley. 

"I had found the King!" he cried in a telephone conversation with CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor. "He was much older, but when he smiled up at me, I knew, I knew it was him."  But then when Elvis lit a candle, Miboni got a better look at the shocking figure in the bed and he lost his appetite.  There lying in the bed was a younger looking clone of Elvis,  a clone that had grown terribly wrong, an Elvis with two heads fused together sitting atop a single body, in a white jump suit.  The figure laying there had two noses, two mouths, and three eyes.


This billboard on a Tijuana backstreet, shows the
cloned Elvis.  The clone had his own wallpaper business.
"When the cloned Elvis would speak, he spoke with words alternating from each mouth." Miboni explained, "He looked at me and said, Too Much Man, the 'Too much' coming out of his left mouth and then the 'Man', coming out of the other mouth, it was freaky."
Over the course of the next few hours, Miboni was able to get the story of a lifetime which he shared with Dave Taylor.  Following is a condensed version of that story;


In 1975 Elvis agreed to be cloned to preserve himself for future generations as well as help service some of the women that were constantly swarming around him.  "Man, this is too much for one cat, I need a clone or something!" he told his manager, Col. Tim Parker.  Parker arranged for a cloning doctor to come in and draw the necessary blood samples and within a month, there was a "baby" Elvis squirming in a petri dish.  Six months later, he was heart broken to learn the clone was not growing as it should. Some how it had gotten all shook up. It had two heads fused together on one body.  The news caused Elvis to take drastic measures.  He faked his own death and took his little clone to Mexico, where they have lived together since.  To make a living, Elvis and his clone started a wallpapering business.  At night Elvis taught his clone how to sing and the word on the street was that the cloned Elvis could blend his two voices together and harmonize like no other.As Miboni was to bring Elvis and his clone back to the United States, Elvis got a suspicious mind and fled with his two headed clone, going under cover once more.
Miboni returned home alone, carrying with him the pictures in this story and enough memories to last a life time. Hopefully Elvis will surface again soon.   When he does, CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there....