Wednesday, February 27, 2013

BRIDGE PORT ON SHORT LIST OF RETIREMENT SPOTS FOR POPE

Pope Benedict sent Dave
Taylor a text message.
 Bridge Port city officials learned early this morning that Bridge Port is one of three cities retiring Pope Benedict has his eye on to live the rest of his life in.  Just after midnight Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor received the text message below from the Pope.

"Hey Dave it is me pope Benedict and I might take you up on you offer to share you place.  I will be done Poping here tomorrow!  I really like Bridge Port, but I must look at Barcelona and Sydney too." 

Taylor quickly sent Benedict a text back telling the aging pontiff he was putting clean sheets on the bed in the guest room and was stocking up on the Pope's favorite frozen pizza.  Taylor also revealed a plan that he and Pope Benedict hatched late last year, to hitchhike out to Las Vegas and back.  The Pope expressed a deep yearning to "hit the road thumbing" once he got to America Taylor said.

Taylor and Pope Benedict became close friends two years ago when Taylor was in the Vatican doing a story on Holy snack foods being produced by the Sisters of the Kitchen.  Taylor ran into the Pope late one evening after lights out as the Pope was raiding the refrigerator.  They sat down together at the table and ate holy left over pizza and did shots of Old Crow.  Taylor said they formed a bond and to this day the Pope likens him as the son he never had.  Even though Benedict asked Taylor to call him Dad in private, Taylor has refused, saying it made him feel awkward.

As for Bridge Port becoming the new home of the ex Pope, Mayor Ben Dover told Channel 1 News, it would be a boon to the city.  "People would come from all over to see where the Pope lives.  I'm excited about the extra revenue this would bring in!"

Channel 1 News will keep you up to date as this story unfolds.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

DAVE TAYLOR DECLINES INTERIM POPE OFFER!

By Ding Dongler, weekend reporter for Channel 1 News

Dave Taylor appeared visibly shaken on Saturday night as he contemplated becoming Interim Pope.  In a story that broke here on Friday, Taylor was approached by officials in Rome about becoming  the temporary pontiff when Pope Benedict announced that he would secede.  With the Vatican in total disarray, the Pope's friend and confidant Dave Taylor was the logical choice to replace his Holiness in the short term.

Taylor among revelers in a south side
Bridge Port pub Saturday night.
 
Taylor promised the Cardinals of Rome a decision by today but first needed a night of soul searching and carousing in downtown Bridge Port. Saturday night he did just that joining friends and acquaintances in a "pub" crawl across the city.  Taylor told Channel 1 News that just after midnight he realized he couldn't leave Bridge Port even to head the Catholic church.  "To be the interim pope would require my undivided attention and I would have to spend weeks away from my beloved Bridge Port. For that reason and a call from my boss at Channel 1 News, I'm declining the offer," Taylor shouted as an Iron Butterfly cover band played "In A Godda Da Vida" in the back round. 
Taylor would not elaborate about the phone call with recluse president of Channel 1 News, Oscar Ooze.  This reporter however was able to obtain further information from Mr. Ooze's secretary, Nancy Tattle and learned that President Ooze agreed to give Taylor an unspecified jump in salary to remain as Channel 1 News's main anchor newsman. 
Taylor was reported to have called Ooze, who is vacationing on a Great Lakes cruise ship, about possibly leaving his post if his latest salary request was denied.  Ooze fearing his own Vatican like vacuum if Taylor were to leave, then agreed to a fat salary hike.  Taylor then spent the rest of the night mingling with the crowds of Saturday night Bridge Port.  Just after 6 A.M. this morning he sent an email to the Vatican and declined their holy request.  The church's loss is Channel 1 News's gain.  Dave Taylor will remain as anchor of Channel 1 News for the foreseeable future.
(Parts of this story were not verified by snopes)
Recluse Channel 1 News
President Oscar Ooze in a
file photo taken in 1973.

Friday, February 15, 2013

POPE RESIGNS, COULD IT BE POPE OUT, DAVE IN?

Pope Dave I  ?  Dave Taylor has been
asked to be Interim Pope. Dave is shown
here as he practices Pope like moves.
It's official Pope Benedict XVI is resigning as of February 28th.  The Vatican, taken by surprise is now on scramble to find a replacement.  In a rare move Vatican officials have contacted a close friend and confident of Pope Benedict and asked him to be Interim Pope.  Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor was shocked and surprised upon receiving the call from Cardinal X (who wants his name to be kept private) asking him to come to Rome and become Interim Pope.  Taylor talked to the Cardinal for over seven minutes and told the official he would give it some thought and get back to him by Sunday.
Taylor told his bosses at Channel 1 News that he would be the first to admit that he hasn't even been to mass lately, but he would do his part if needed.  He borrowed his friend Father Damian's frock and had a picture taken of himself for the Cardinals in Rome.  In the picture he is showing how he would give out a blessing.  First word back from those who saw the picture online was "comforting."  Others were reported to say Dave's image made them feel "comfortably numb" and put them at peace.
As of this story Taylor is still undecided and plans to go out Saturday night for a night of good cheer and hopes to decide sometime late that night.  Channel 1 News will report the story as it happens.