Sunday, February 17, 2013

DAVE TAYLOR DECLINES INTERIM POPE OFFER!

By Ding Dongler, weekend reporter for Channel 1 News

Dave Taylor appeared visibly shaken on Saturday night as he contemplated becoming Interim Pope.  In a story that broke here on Friday, Taylor was approached by officials in Rome about becoming  the temporary pontiff when Pope Benedict announced that he would secede.  With the Vatican in total disarray, the Pope's friend and confidant Dave Taylor was the logical choice to replace his Holiness in the short term.

Taylor among revelers in a south side
Bridge Port pub Saturday night.
 
Taylor promised the Cardinals of Rome a decision by today but first needed a night of soul searching and carousing in downtown Bridge Port. Saturday night he did just that joining friends and acquaintances in a "pub" crawl across the city.  Taylor told Channel 1 News that just after midnight he realized he couldn't leave Bridge Port even to head the Catholic church.  "To be the interim pope would require my undivided attention and I would have to spend weeks away from my beloved Bridge Port. For that reason and a call from my boss at Channel 1 News, I'm declining the offer," Taylor shouted as an Iron Butterfly cover band played "In A Godda Da Vida" in the back round. 
Taylor would not elaborate about the phone call with recluse president of Channel 1 News, Oscar Ooze.  This reporter however was able to obtain further information from Mr. Ooze's secretary, Nancy Tattle and learned that President Ooze agreed to give Taylor an unspecified jump in salary to remain as Channel 1 News's main anchor newsman. 
Taylor was reported to have called Ooze, who is vacationing on a Great Lakes cruise ship, about possibly leaving his post if his latest salary request was denied.  Ooze fearing his own Vatican like vacuum if Taylor were to leave, then agreed to a fat salary hike.  Taylor then spent the rest of the night mingling with the crowds of Saturday night Bridge Port.  Just after 6 A.M. this morning he sent an email to the Vatican and declined their holy request.  The church's loss is Channel 1 News's gain.  Dave Taylor will remain as anchor of Channel 1 News for the foreseeable future.
(Parts of this story were not verified by snopes)
Recluse Channel 1 News
President Oscar Ooze in a
file photo taken in 1973.

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