Saturday, March 23, 2013

EASTER EGG HUNT MAY BE CANCELED DUE TO COLD AND SNOW


Bridgeport City officials met last evening to discuss the annual Easter egg hunt scheduled for next Saturday in Bridgeport Park.  As of this morning the park is still under 10 inches of dirty crusty snow which would make it very difficult if not impossible to hide Easter eggs for the egg happy children of Bridgeport.  Making matters worse, the weather forecast is also calling for colder than normal temperatures next Saturday.  Council member Heiden Seik expressed concerns about frostbitten babies and the legal problems the city had after the 1999 hunt.  A Channel 1 News archives check revealed the city was sued after an Easter egg hunter suffered severe frostbite resulting in amputation of the both hands.  Council member Peaka Booe quickly followed up by reminding the newer council
File photo from the colder than normal 1999 Easter
egg hunt, which resulted in the city being sued.
members that hand warming stations were installed  in 2001 and that hunters were now required to wear gloves.  This brought a sigh of relief to Mayor Ben Dover who attended last nights meeting before leaving town on a business trip to Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 

The city hopes to bring in giant flame throwers this week to melt the snow pack enough for volunteers to hide the dozens of colored eggs.  If the snow pack can be reduced to an inch, the hunt will go on as scheduled, if not it will be canceled.  Looking on the bright side, an Easter egg hunt has never been canceled in Bridgeport.  In 1988 it was moved from Easter to the 4th of July due to a flood.  This was not a wise move however, due to the eggs spoiling in the hot sun.  Channel 1 News will keep you updated on the developments.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

LOCAL MAN HOPES TO BECOME THE FIRST REAL COWBOY

Chuck Farley talks with the cow
with whom he hopes to make history with.
"I think she likes me." he told C1 News.

If Chuck Farley of Bridgeport gets his wish, he'll be surgically implanted into a pregnant adult dairy cow and share the womb with an unborn calf fetus.  "I'm truly excited!" he told C1 News.  "I'll be the first man to be implanted inside a cow and the first to be re-born."  Details of this daredevil feat were released last evening at a news conference in downtown Bridgeport.
Forty six year old Chuck Farley standing along side his money backer and sponsor, So Woun Dup of North Korea;      answered questions from people waiting at a bus stop and Channel 1 News.  The idea to try this came to Farley last October as he watched Felix Baumgartner leap out of a capsule 24 miles above the earth. Baumgartner made history that day and Farley hopes to follow in his footsteps.  He had always dreamed of being a cowboy and in his mind he put two and two together, the idea of being placed inside a living cow began to consume his waking hours. He started looking for sponsors to help finance his venture, but was turned down by almost everyone. Even Baumgartner's main sponsor, Red Bull refused Farley's request because of a dairy conflict.  It wasn't until word of his daredevil scheme surfaced in North Korea that Farley's  dream had a chance to bare fruit.  North Korean leader Kim Jong Un learned of the dream on late night cable TV and immediatly sent So Woun Dup to Bridgeport with a camera crew and a blank check.  Mr. Dup is the leader of the Korean State Artificial Insemination Company named Yu Fukyng Gufee and knows a thing or two about cows.

Kim Jong Un sent his artificial insemination
department leader to meet with Farley.
Once contracts were signed and Farley relinquished all North Korean television rights to Kim Jong Un, a pregnant dairy cow was chosen to be what will be called the "host capsule".  Farley will wear a rubber body suit equipped with a life support system, supplying him oxygen for eight hours and two minutes.  He will be coated in K Y Jelly and surgically implanted in the cow's womb along side the calf fetus.  His suit head cover will contain a small light, camera, and microphone for communicating with the "host" handlers on the outside of the laboring cow.  Farley hopes to follow the calf out trough the birth canal and be "born" again becoming the world's first cowboy!
Local humane groups call this idea outlandish and call for federal officials to ban this attempt.  A judge has promised to investigate their claims as Farley and  Dup continue to prepare for the implantation in the coming week to ten days.  The due date for the live births is April 1 and C1N will be there.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

BRIDGEPORT MAKES READY FOR SPRING/SUMMER 2013

Bridgeport Street and
Maintenance Manager
Elmo Dicks
With the first day of Spring finally upon us, city officials are busy getting ready for the long Spring/Summer season ahead of us.  All the city snow plows are being called in and off the roads so city workers can start getting them ready for storage.  City Street and Maintenance Manager Elmo Dicks told Channel 1 News, "Just getting those trucks off the streets will save us a ton of money."  When asked if this action might be premature due to the snow still covering the ground, he responded, " This is strictly a money saving move, but if we get another snow storm after the trucks are up on blocks, we'll just have to hire a private contractor to get the streets cleared."
When asked about private contractors Dicks added,   "Mayor Dover has a cousin in the snow removal business and promises to give the city a deal if he's needed."
Spring is also a time for flowers and Mayor Ben Dover is planning a business trip to Amsterdam in the coming weeks to look at tulips.  He hopes to bring some ideas back and make Bridgeport the tulip capital of America.  Accompanying him will be his senior administrative assistant, Lucy Love who according to Mayor Dover has an eye for tulips.
Mayor Dover's two Administrative
Assistants, Lucy Love and Wanda
Will.  Love will accompany the Mayor
to Amsterdam.
This will be the Mayor's forth trip to Amsterdam during his administration, his first traveling in Business Class.  "I want my constituents to know that this trip is strictly business. My critics would have you think otherwise, but Ms. Love has retired from the adult film industry and is now a hands-on city servant, the same as I am."  The Mayor's other Administrative Assistant Wanda Will, accompanied him on his last trip and returned home as she put it, fully energized!  Channel 1 News plans to cover the coming trip and report from the tulip fields.

Finally, the Easter parade, planned for March 30th is looking for an Easter Bunny actor to ride in the last float.  Anyone interested should contact the parade committee before next Wednesday.  Candidates should have a general knowledge of colored eggs and have their own costume. 
Channel 1 News will have updates on these stories as they become available.




Thursday, March 14, 2013

LOCAL HOSPITAL EXPERIENCING CABIN FEVER EPIDEMIC

Beds are getting over crowded at Bridge
Port General Hospital
Bridge Port General Hospital has canceled all vacations and time off requests for its medical staff due to a huge surge in Cabin Fever patients. Hospital spokesperson Edna Wil told Channel 1 News all rooms are full in the 400 bed facility and patients are being forced to double up, putting two to a bed to help relieve the over crowding.  "Some patients are okay with this arrangement while others aren't" she said.   "Cabin Fever this year is as bad as I've seen it and when  this epidemic ends, we have to worry about Spring Fever taking its place."

A woman in the final stage of Cabin Fever
becoming addicted to Face book. This picture
depicts a woman that has been unfriended by
another Cabin Fever victim.
According to a bumper sticker, Cabin Fever is caused by prolonged winter weather keeping people indoors.  Wil was then asked about the symptoms to watch for, to which she replied, "Early symptoms begin with increased TV viewing of bad shows, which can then escalate to spending more and more time on a computer browsing the porn sites.  If no relief is rendered and the fever increases, people may find themselves becoming addicted to Face book and other social media sites.  It's not pretty when it gets that far."  When asked what the hospital will do when all the beds are filled with two people, Wil shrugged her shoulders and replied, "We're looking at double bunk beds next."
Spring is right around the corner which could mean a break in the cold and snowy weather.  This would bring a quick end to this current epidemic.  Hopefully Spring won't be too warm setting off a round of Spring Fever.  Our local doctors and nurses need a break.
Channel 1 News will keep you up to date on this story.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

NEW POPE ELECTED, DAVE TAYLOR HEADS HOME

This is the third and final installment filed by Dave Taylor who has been sequestered with the voting Cardinals as they elected Pope Frances 1.
"This morning I awoke to the smell of sausage and bacon cooking and hurried out into the grand hall where they were serving not hot cakes and sausage but what they called Holy cakes and sausage. For dessert we had angel food cake.  It was all delicious.  After breakfast we all showered, dressed, and assembled back in the chapel so the cardinals could begin voting on what was day two in the conclave.
Once again I took control of the two stoves getting them fired up in case someone received at least 77 votes.  On the first count, one of the official vote counters stopped the proceedings when he noticed that there had been 44 votes cast for yours truly.  He quickly informed every one that I was not really a Cardinal and any votes cast for me would be void. There was a loud murmur in the room before everyone quieted down and got back to the task at hand.  I felt pretty awkward, but soon forgot the incident and continued to tend the fire.
After the next count the lead vote counter hollered out, 'We have a winner!' and I started burning some newspapers to give off a white colored smoke.  For some reason the smoke didn't draw up the chimney correctly causing Cardinals to start coughing and the chapel had to be evacuated.  No harm was done and soon the world got to meet their new Pope.
Dave Taylor filing his Pope report aboard
Bridge Port Airlines earlier today.
With my job done, I bid farewell and left the Vatican. I am filing this report as I sit aboard my plane home.  It has been a real neat experience and I hope you enjoy hearing about what really happened in the conclave."

Taylor plans to take a few days off after being part of history for the last week or so. He wants to let it "soak" in.  Channel 1 News will continue to keep you updated on these ever changing events.

DAVE TAYLOR AT THE VATICAN

Dave Taylor in a picture
released by the Vatican
 
This is the second article about Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor at the Vatican.  Following is an update he was able to slip out of the concave he is sequestered in.
"I arrived at the Vatican early this morning after taking the red eye flight out of Bridge Port.  The in flight movie "The Cardinal" was pretty good and I'll probably buy the DVD for my personal collection.  Upon arrival I was ushered into a private dressing room and given the outfit I'd be wearing the next few days.  I was then taken to a large hall where the breakfast brunch was under way.
There I was greeted with open arms by Cardinals from all over the world.  I haven't been that choked up since my first day in auctioneer school.  We ate, drank wine, sang songs, and then were ushered into the Vatican's Apostolic Palace to begin the voting process for a new Pope.  I was amazed at how quiet it got and then realized that many of the Cardinal's  heads were nodding due to a full stomach. 
After a two hour break the ballots were handed out and the voting began.  As I am not a actual church Cardinal, I did not partisapate in the voting.  My job was to make a small fire in the chapel's two tiny stoves and to send up smoke signals after the voting.  If a new pope was elected with 77 votes I was to send up white smoke from the stove on the right, if not I was to send up black smoke from the stove on the left.
After two rounds of voting no Cardinal received enough votes so I began burning small pieces of rubber tire and sent up the black smoke.  Everyone was then escorted out of the chapel and to the evening brunch, which was enjoyed by all.
Until tomorrow, this is Dave Tayler from inside the conclave."

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

DAVE TAYLOR HEADS TO THE VATICAN



Eagle Scout Dave Taylor
In an unpresidented  move, Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor was given special dispensation by Vatican officials that allowed Taylor inside the conclave to help select the next Pope.    "As I was an Eagle Scout when younger, the jump to Cardinal won't be all that difficult Taylor said, especially after earning a Cardinal Merit Badge at age 21."
Taylor left Bridge Port late last evening for Vatican City in Rome in high spirits and with the blessing of his good friend, the former Pope Benedict.  On the flight over he was planning to watch the 1993 Otto Preminger film The Cardinal, starring Tom Tryon, Romy Schneider, and John Huston, to help him prepare for the upcoming task.
Channel 1 News will monitor Taylor as he goes into seclusion and keep readers updated until a new Pope is elected.  Word that Taylor would be covertly wearing a wire was dismissed as here say.  Stay tuned for the latest.




Saturday, March 2, 2013

FORMER POPE BENEDICT SPOTTED AT DISNEY WORLD

The former Pope and Dave Taylor
go for some thrills on the roller coaster.
The now former Pope Benedict wasted no time in heading to Disney World after seceding his holy office. Dave Taylor was there to welcome him on this the first day of the rest of his life.  The Pope, who now wants to be known as Ben Jones, arrived at the famous amusement park and immediately dropped to his knees to kiss the ground before being reminded of his retirement.
The former Pope was all smiles as he met up withTaylor, his BFF in the parking lot.  Taylor and the Pope became good friends during one of Taylor's trips to the Vatican for Channel 1 News.
Once inside the main gate, Benedict quickly headed for the first roller coaster he saw, dragging Taylor by his coast sleeves.
"These things scare the hell out of me!" he said with a wink, "Get it?"  He was all smiles as he waited in line with an apprehensive Dave Taylor.  The two rode the coaster fifteen times before moving on to other rides and concessions.
A decision on where the former Pope will live out his retirement has not yet been made, but if Friday's outing is any indication, it won't be far from Disney World.  Benedict had tears in his eyes when the park announced it was closing for the day.  As for Taylor, his eyes were vacant and he had what appeared to be dried vomit on his tie.
Channel 1 News will be following the former Pope for the foreseeable future.