Friday, May 31, 2013

WOMAN FRIGHTENED BY SNAIL SNAKE IMPERSONATOR

A Long Black Tail Snail is often mistaken for a snake.  They are
not considered dangerous, but if provoked can bite causing a 7"
gash in an arm or leg.
A woman visiting Bridgeport yesterday was severely frightened by what she thought was an evil looking black stick.  The young woman, who asked that her real name not be used, was walking her little dog named Peanut (not his real name either) in Pall Mall Park around 4 P.M. when the dog started growling at what "Pat" thought was a stick.  "I went to call off little Peanut and then I saw the stick move!"  Pat told Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor.  "I then thought, sweet lord, it's a snake and immediately felt like I was going to wet my pants!"
Upon hearing Ms. Pat's account of what took place, Professor Dudly Dinkledorf a leading snakeologest at Bridgeport University, told Channel 1 News that Ms. Pat was lucky that she felt the urge to relieve herself when she saw what she thought was a snake.  "What she saw was not really a snake but a Long Black Tail Snail, which impersonates a snake when threatened.  Although not considered dangerous, they have been known to bite and leave 7" gashes in passive humans. Their main fear is being "peed" on and can sense this.  When Ms. Pat got this urge, the snail sensed it and quickly moved to get away." 
The professor went on to say there is no need to panic.  To avoid the Long Black Tail Snail, stay away from sidewalks, streets, concrete play areas, and the like.
Ms. Pat and her little pup Peanuts have left our fair city but promised to be back after the snails go into hibernation. 
If you have encountered one of these impersonators, contact Channel 1 News.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

MEMORIAL DAY SWIMMING POOL OPENING HINDERED BY STRIKING LIFEGUARDS

Would be swimmers waited for the Bridgeport Municipal pool
to open Monday and instead got  hosed.
Memorial Day is the unofficial beginning of Summer and with temperatures hovering around 90 degrees, close to 100 people showed up at the Bridgeport Municipal swimming pool to cool off.  They were met by Pool Manager Polly Rapp, who using a bull horn told the crowd the city was having an issue with the life guards and no one could swim in the pool without the lifeguards on duty.
Channel 1 News quickly learned the city had reneged on a promised wage increase and the life guards refused to work.  Mayor Ben Dover, reached at Flaherty's Gentlemen's Club, said it was the first he had heard of any discontent with the pool employees. He suggested the swimmers use the fire hydrant outside the pool to cool off until he could call a special meeting and get to the bottom of it all.
This suggestion did not go over well with the would be swimmers.  Many in the crowd started throwing empty beer cans into the fenced area of the pool and shouting off color phrases until a police cruiser showed up.  The crowd refused to leave until a second police unit arrived and officers used the fire hydrant to spray water on the crowd using a partial fire hose.  Finally order was restored and the crowd dispersed.  Channel 1 News will follow this story as it develops.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

MAYOR DOVER SCORES TWO FOR ONE IN A NEW HIRE FOR HIS OFFICE

Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover just back from a business trip to Barbados, has landed in hot water once again.  The Mayor who has used the city coffers to fund six business trips this year already, went on the defensive stressing the importance of these trips and how they pertain to the city's financial future.  "City government is only as good as it's staff." he stated in a conference call. "I'm working on assembling the best staff possible!"

Twin sisters Beaga and Betta Lipsa claim
to have graduated at the top of their typing
class in business school. Both are short
hand experts.
The mayor traveled to Barbados last Thursday to interview candidates for a secretarial position open in his office.  His  personal secretary, Anna Will has requested maternity leave and will not be back.  The mayor immediately wished her well and began a search to fill her position.   Hoping to bring diversity to the city staff, he began looking outside the country to fill positions.  According to the Mayors office two promising leads came from the island country of Barbados, a favorite vacation retreat for Mayor Dover.  After reading their resumes' he felt it necessary to interview them before they were offered a job elsewhere and he booked the next flight out. 
Yesterday he met the Lipsa sisters, Beaga and Betta , twins from birth, both 24, at a downtown Bridgetown coffee shop and conveyed to Channel 1 News in a text, "These candidates know more then they are letting on. They both type with a smile and they know how to take shorthand with either hand! They both gave me a good feeling."  Since the sisters didn't want to be parted, the Mayor agreed to hire them both at a reduced salary.  "It was a no brainer!"


City Attorney Pat McGroin
at last year's Christmas party.
  Not everyone agrees with his travels or methods of hiring.  City attorney Pat McGroin voiced his displeasure upon hearing of the so called business trip. "There are lasses a plenty right here in Bridgeport.  Me own sister knows her way around an office and can type too!  Sounds to me he's looking for more than office workers."  McGroin hopes to run against Dover in the next election.

Mayor Dover is looking forward to the arrival of his new secretarial team, which should be sometime this next week.  The sisters have never been to Bridgeport and said giggling, they are looking forward to the nightlife Mayor Dover promised them.  Channel 1 News will be on hand when their plane arrives.

Monday, May 13, 2013

TWIN BED LOST DURING MOVING CAUSES PROMBLEMS FOR COUPLE

One of these twin beds is missing and
the owners aren't sure which one.
Tom and Tessie Ternover are losing sleep over a furniture mover's mistake.  The Ternovers, both 28 of Bridgeport just went through a hectic two days moving from their apartment to their newly purchased house.  As they moved in and began to settle they noticed one of their twin beds was missing.  They contacted the moving company and were told some of the furniture may have gotten on the wrong truck.  The Ternovers are perplexed and making matters worse, they aren't sure just whose bed is missing.

"I'm sure Tom's bed is missing," Tessie told Channel 1 News. " My bed has a certain squeak to it and the bed we now have in our bedroom is that bed, I'm certain of it."  Tom, on the other hand was certain the bed was his.  "I knew it was my bed as soon as I saw it."  Until the furniture company can find the missing bed, the Ternovers will be forced to share the single twin bed that both say is theirs.

"Channel 1 News will continue to monitor this story until we can put it to bed." quipped anchor Dave Taylor while yawning.



Sunday, May 12, 2013

WILL FORGETFUL MAN REMEMBER REMEMBERING?

SPECIAL SUNDAY FEEL GOOD STORY......
Mora Less remembers little about
his life until yesterday, when for a
brief moment he remembered everything.

In a rare moment Saturday,  Mora Less remembered all that he had forgotten over his past thirty years.  His eyes brightened and he began to shake with joy and then as quickly as his memory returned, it was lost again, leaving him sitting silently.  When his wife Ibby tried to console him, he acted like he didn't know her.
Doctors at Bridgeport's Hospital for the Thoughtless tried to explain Less's condition, but due to privacy laws, could only bite their lips.
Less, 30, was born in Bridgeport to normal parents who after they were guaranteed anonymity, told Channel 1 News that young Mora forgot everything they taught him.  They often thought about giving up on him, but when he managed to tie his own shoes at age 11, they knew progress was being made. "It was not that he was mentally challenged," Mrs. Less remarked, "He just forgot everything we told him."
Later in high school Less gained a reputation as a playboy after asking nine different girls to the prom.   Life in high school was not easy for Less and twice he left school for good, in the middle of his senior year.
A year later he married his former baby sitter, Ibby DePlan after picking her out of a photo in an old family album.  Not a day goes by that he doesn't ask her to marry him, says  DePlan, who loves the marriage, "Every night is our honeymoon all over!"
Less continues to live a quite life in Bridgeport trying not to dwell on the past.  Although his doctors can't help him, they must assure him they are seeking new treatments.  Yesterday, when he had a flash memory of the past, one of his doctors told Channel 1 News, "If he remembers that flash back moment, I just might be out of a job!"
Only time will tell how this all will come out and Channel 1 News will be on hand if and when Less's memories come flooding back.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

A FLATTERED DAVE TAYLOR RECEIVES TOP AWARD

Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor can add one more accolade to his collection after last night's World News Accolades Banquet held at City Center. News anchors and reporters from around the county attended the prestigious affair, not only for the great meal, but for a chance to claim the top prize.  This year, after a roasting of last year's winner Der T. Shame (which almost sparked a food fight), Taylor was awarded the Top Award to the applause and  approval of his fellow peers. A surprised Taylor could only gulp when handed the prize by banquet host, Bridgeport Mayor, Ben Dover.
Each year the prize is awarded to the person deemed most worthy when it comes to "digging" up the facts and reporting a story.  Taylor's nick-name in pre school was "Digger".  This is Channel 1 News and Dave Taylor's first Top award.

Dave Taylor holds the Top Award he won
during last night's Top Award Banquet.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

COULD LIFELESS BODY BE THAT OF POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN???

SHOCKING DISCOVERY IS MADE AT A BRIDGEPORT SITE THAT WAS ONCE A SPINACH PROCESSING PLANT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

In what may be the most amazing discovery ever, workers at a demolition site in downtown Bridgeport have uncovered the well preserved mummified human remains of someone looking like the cartoon character  Popeye the Sailor Man.  Tests are being conducted on the body at Bridgeport General Hospital to verify the identity.  Hospital staff are also looking at the red cap and pipe found with the remains.  "If these remains turn out to be Popeye the Sailor Man"  City Sewer Inspector Ludwig Flusher said to OFF THE WALL NEWS reporters, "They will prove he obviously  once was  a normal human being!"
Popeye the Sailor Man?  Tests
are being conducted to verify the
identity of this man.
The well preserved muscular body was found in a crude shell of a boat, buried under tons of sewage at a demolition site for a defunct spinach canning company.
News of the discovery quickly spread across the news wire, captivating not only the scientific community, but the hundreds of thousands Popeye cartoon fans from around the world.   Upon hearing the news,  Chinese monk Singtu Mi Dong, ended a self imposed silence of twenty five years.  With quivering and trembling lips he stood up before his brother monks  and proclaimed, "I am to the finach cause I eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.."  He then went on to serenade his fellow monks by whistling the Popeye theme song and has not stopped in over sixteen hours. The mood at the holy monastery has been turned upside down. 
Scholars from Bridgeport University are preparing to hold a news conference if the remains do indeed prove to be those of the famous cartoon character.  "If these remains turn out to be the real Popeye, we will immediately begin a search for Bluto and Olive Oil."  Professor Theodore Cleaver told reporters.  "Who knows what is really real now days?" 
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to dig into this story.

Monday, May 6, 2013

LOCAL MAN DOESN'T SEE EYE TO EYE WITH THE MAYOR

Gerald Nitwitsky of Bridgeport failed
to see eye to eye with the Mayor.
Gerald Nitwitsky, 38, of Bridgeport attended last night's city counsel meeting at Quint's Tequila Bar and got into a heated debate with Mayor Ben Dover. The counsel meeting was held at Quint's Tequila Bar on 3rd because of a lingering odor at city hall.  The two men sat across from each other but  clearly did not see eye to eye. 
The city counsel was meeting in a special session to investigate  establishing a new city tax to fund a parachute folding school.  Nitwitsky who fell out of a tree and on his head as a toddler wants any tax money raised to go to his tree climbing school.  "If I had known how to climb a tree when young, perhaps I would not have fallen out of a tree." Nitwitsky told Channel 1 News after the meeting.
The two men went round and round and little was accomplished before an intermission, when Happy Hour started at 9 P.M.  The meeting adjourned for one hour while counsel members sipped beers and discussed other ways to raise taxes.  During the break, Nitwitsky sat red faced and silent, staring at his nose.  When the meeting resumed at 10 P.M. the Mayor seemed more willing to agree with Nitwitsky, but an agreement was not voted on and tabled until next week. The Mayor leaves tomorrow for a sky diving vacation in Utah.  Channel 1 News will follow this story until it ends.