Wednesday, June 26, 2013

SYMPOSIUM ON FOOD ADDITIVES BEGINS SATURDAY IN BRIDGEPORT

Local restaurant critic Peter Kinkless
said he had no idea what had been added
to the pizza he was about to eat and he
didn't care.
Hundreds of world renowned food scientists will meet with everyday food junkies in Bridgeport this weekend for a symposium on food additives.  Hotels in town are reporting a spike in reservations for the coming event, with some visitors coming from as far away as Qu Dung, China.  "Bridgeport, long known for it's restaurants, grocery stores, and food lovers, is the perfect setting for a symposium of this nature." quipped local food and restaurant critic, Peter Kinkless. "No one really knows just what's in their food and most don't really care!"

Substance Abuse researcher Sumo Peire wrote in the McDonald's Journal of Everyday Living, "Anyone reading food labels today will find the food they are about to eat, chuck full of both "natural" and "un-natural" additives.  Finally people are asking just what are the unnatural additives?"
Chester B. Goode of the Institute For Inquisitive Eaters set out to answer this question and had decoded some of additives now being used in the most popular foods and went into a state of shock.  He was found last evening after nearly drowning in his own drool.  His colleagues are hoping he will be recovered enough to attend the event this weekend.

City Mayor Ben Dover, himself a former pizza delivery driver, stressed the importance of the coming symposium not only for the benefit to eaters everywhere, but to the increased revenue for the local economy.  He has signed a special order allowing the bars to remain open all night during the symposium.  "Good drink must accompany good food!" he declared upon signing the order.

Channel 1 News will cover the upcoming event.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

MAYOR HOPES TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA WITHIN CITY LIMITS

Mayor Dover is  promoting
marijuana legalization within
Bridgeport city limits.
In what seems like an ongoing effort to create awareness in differences of opinions, Mayor Ben Dover is pushing a bill making marijuana legal within the city limits.  Just when some in the city thought the Mayor had gone too far by hiring twin sisters from Barbados to be his secretary, he has come out in favor legalizing pot.  "It's high time we did this!" he said with a grin at a morning luncheon meeting.
As expected this news was met with surprise and outrage by many attending the luncheon. City Attorney, Pat McGroin stood up and shook his fist at the Mayor, "What the hell have you been smoking?  That weed is illegal in this state, not to mention the whole country!"

Mayor Dover joins locals in Amsterdam
to discuss Jimi Hendrix and world affairs.
Mayor Dover waved off McGroin's comments and after the large gathering of the city's who's who quieted down, continued outlining  his plan for city legalization.

The Mayor's controversial hire for
personal secretary, the Lipsa twins
accompanied the Mayor.
Dover returned yesterday from a fact finding trip to Amsterdam.  He and his newly hired personal secretary the Lipsa twins, made the business trip to gather information about marijuana's effect on memory function.  The Mayor told Channel 1 News, the trip was everything he'd hoped it would be. The information gathered about memory loss due to marijuana proved to be fabricated he said.  Critics however, pointed out that the trio missed their flight home twice.  When confronted with this accusation, Dover shrugged and said the flights were early.  If the Mayor gets his way, marijuana will we made legal to all city residents 21 and older.  It will be tightly controlled and taxed, with the money to be used for city improvements and to lower other taxes.

After the luncheon Channel 1 News asked the Mayor what he planned to do next to help this cause, to which he replied, "I plan to take my secretary on a business trip and travel to Amsterdam to gather information about Marijuana's effect on memory function."
Channel 1 News will cover this story again and again.....



Monday, June 24, 2013

BRIDGEPORT CITY COUNCIL MEETING NOTES STOLEN, SUSPECTED LEAKER SOUGHT

With national and international news focused on Ex-CIA Whistleblower Ed Snowden and the "secret information" he has released to the public, it appears Bridgeport has it's own dirty laundry.  An outraged Mayor, Ben Dover has cut a vacation in Thailand short to return to Bridgeport to help in the investigation of compromised city business. 


City council members react to news of
the leak of meeting minutes. L to R with
sacks on, Jim Dandy, Dick Fitter, Buster
Bean, and Rocky Trail.
The city council meeting minutes of the past two years are missing from the city data bank and a note was left in their place which read, "Now I know and soon everyone else will know...."  City Attorney, Pat McGroin, the city's leading critic of Mayor Ben Dover, was overcome with giddiness and had to be hospitalized over night.


Councilman Buzz Frealy, learned of the
missing minutes while at the ball game
Saturday night.  He left in the 7th inning.
The leak was discovered Saturday night when City Council secretary, Paleza Squeza was installing new anti-bugging software to the city computer system.  She was doing so at the request of Mayor Ben Dover, who was vacationing in Bangkok, Thailand.  As Mayor Dover learned of the CIA information leak and Ed Snowden on television, he immediately took steps to update the city's computer system, calling  Secretary Squeza, "We can't be too careful," he told her,  "Time is of the essence."  As fate would have it though, Squeza was too late, as the meeting minutes had already been stolen.  Squeza called Mayor Dover with the bad news and according to her, he erupted with rage.  He had been in Bangkok on a business/pleasure trip and told Channel 1 News via Skype, that he had just finished up the business side of the trip and was getting ready for some R&R when the bad news struck.
Mayor Ben Dover and staff'
board the plane in Bangkok
for the 15 hour trip home.
Channel 1 News will follow this story to it's conclusion.  Who knows what we might learn.....

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

MIRACLE DRUG CREATED AT BRIDGEPORT UNIVERSITY

Sufferers of body pain may soon have a new medication to take the place of simple aspirin.  Medical students at B.U. have created what the medical world is calling a miracle drug.  Dr. Don Keedong of the Acme National Medical Institute and Furniture Emporium told Channel 1 News,  a discovery like this could change the world.  The new drug called Paulzilladlornapampaque, after it's creators, students Paul Zillad and Lorna Pampaque, has been shortened to  PU so the name fits a prescription bottle label. 
After the initial break through and a day of testing, the pair says the new drug is ready for large scale human testing.  Volunteers are being recruited and the testing is scheduled to begin tonight.

A new wonder drug? Each PU has
a happy face stamped on it.
Volunteers will be asked to submit to various forms of bodily pain and then half of them will be given the drug and half will be given a placebo.  Med student Paul Zillad was quoted as saying, "I feel sorry for the placebo group.  They're gonna be hurtin' for certain."  Medical school teaching physician Barry Hartless, was quick to point out that until the tests are complete, no one knows for sure, but the placebo group just might be the lucky ones.  "The new drug carries a huge risk for dangerous side effects."  When asked to elaborate, Dr. Hartless listed some of the potential side effects of PU.  "In some of the early tests last weekend, we had lab rats that had their eyes bulge and then implode causing blindness and violent convulsions.  Other rats immediately began chewing their feet off.  These problems were quickly addressed before moving on to human subjects."  Dr. Hartless went on to say the side effects in humans were better controlled.  "The typical side effects a volunteer could expect could be one or more of the following,  blurred vision in the left eye, a swollen tongue accompanied by a gagging reflex, paranoia, suicidal thoughts or self mutilation, or prolonged itching of the face and legs, and loss of bowel control."  All volunteers will be carefully monitored for these side effects and dealt with if need be.
Channel 1 also learned the volunteers must agree to be subjected to various forms of pain such as cigarette burns to the face and arms, cuts, and being bitten by a rabid raccoon. 
"Time will tell," Dr. Hartless said as he left for a vacation.  "I'm so confident, I'm leaving town."  Channel 1 News will follow this story and report any problems.