Wednesday, June 5, 2013

MIRACLE DRUG CREATED AT BRIDGEPORT UNIVERSITY

Sufferers of body pain may soon have a new medication to take the place of simple aspirin.  Medical students at B.U. have created what the medical world is calling a miracle drug.  Dr. Don Keedong of the Acme National Medical Institute and Furniture Emporium told Channel 1 News,  a discovery like this could change the world.  The new drug called Paulzilladlornapampaque, after it's creators, students Paul Zillad and Lorna Pampaque, has been shortened to  PU so the name fits a prescription bottle label. 
After the initial break through and a day of testing, the pair says the new drug is ready for large scale human testing.  Volunteers are being recruited and the testing is scheduled to begin tonight.

A new wonder drug? Each PU has
a happy face stamped on it.
Volunteers will be asked to submit to various forms of bodily pain and then half of them will be given the drug and half will be given a placebo.  Med student Paul Zillad was quoted as saying, "I feel sorry for the placebo group.  They're gonna be hurtin' for certain."  Medical school teaching physician Barry Hartless, was quick to point out that until the tests are complete, no one knows for sure, but the placebo group just might be the lucky ones.  "The new drug carries a huge risk for dangerous side effects."  When asked to elaborate, Dr. Hartless listed some of the potential side effects of PU.  "In some of the early tests last weekend, we had lab rats that had their eyes bulge and then implode causing blindness and violent convulsions.  Other rats immediately began chewing their feet off.  These problems were quickly addressed before moving on to human subjects."  Dr. Hartless went on to say the side effects in humans were better controlled.  "The typical side effects a volunteer could expect could be one or more of the following,  blurred vision in the left eye, a swollen tongue accompanied by a gagging reflex, paranoia, suicidal thoughts or self mutilation, or prolonged itching of the face and legs, and loss of bowel control."  All volunteers will be carefully monitored for these side effects and dealt with if need be.
Channel 1 also learned the volunteers must agree to be subjected to various forms of pain such as cigarette burns to the face and arms, cuts, and being bitten by a rabid raccoon. 
"Time will tell," Dr. Hartless said as he left for a vacation.  "I'm so confident, I'm leaving town."  Channel 1 News will follow this story and report any problems.

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