Tuesday, July 30, 2013

WOMAN HAS HANDS ATTACHED TO HER FEET IN ATTEMPT TO STOP ITCHY TOES

In a delicate overnight operation, a woman
has hands attached to her  feet.
Darlene Over 28, of Bridgport has suffered from itchy toes for as long as she can remember.  On Monday she became the first person in history to have hands grafted onto her feet.  "I can't wait until I itch between my toes!" she excitedly told Channel 1 News.  "I will be able to get immediate relief without all the embarrassment of bending over and scratching."
Dr. Ho Lee Kow attaches fingers to
patent's feet as his brother holds the
flashlight and looks on.
Once a doner with matching nail polish was found, doctors at the Fe Fi Fo Foo Clinic worked feverishly into the night attaching the hands to Over's feet.  Dr. Ho Lee Kow, the famous foot and mouth surgeon preformed the operation with the assistance of his brothers. 
"All go well." Ho Lee Kow proclaimed.  "At first she say fingers tickle toes, but with anti tickle cream, she will be fine." 
Over looks forward to scratching between her toes at will.  "I may have trouble buying shoes, but I'll worry about that come Winter.  For now I'll just be wearing my flip flops." 
Channel 1 News will follow this story into the coming months.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

THE ROYAL BABY HAS A NAME THANKS TO DAVE TAYLOR

If you follow Channel 1 News, you know that Dave Taylor has been in London helping with names for William and Kate's  new baby boy.  After a marathon brain storming session proved fruitless the first night, Dave rested comfortably in his own room at Buckingham Palace.
This morning as Dave was having breakfast at a nearby pub, he heard the bells start to ring outside and knew what it meant.  The royal couple had decided on a name and sure enough, ten minutes later he was summoned to the hospital. 
Once at the hospital, he was greeted by the Queen and the smiling young couple.  It was then Taylor learned that the names he had recommended, all three of them would be used.  They all drank a toast and then took the new baby George out to the waiting throngs of commoners. 
Dave Taylor, Kate, & William introduce
George Alexander Louis to the world.
The shorter Queen was behind Kate
and since she hadn't any make-up on
didn't want to be in the picture.

When asked where he came up with the names, he explained that George and Alexander were his grandfathers and according to his mother, Louis was their milkman.

Taylor plans to spend a few days resting in England before heading home. He plans to write a book on the experience and hopes to return to England one day soon.


Channel 1 News welcomes George Alexander Louis into the world!


Wednesday, July 24, 2013

NAMING NEW PRINCE NOT EASY SAYS DAVE TAYLOR

As reported yesterday, Dave Taylor was summoned to London at the request of the Queen to help name the latest heir to the throne.  Taylor joined the Queen and the proud parents, Prince William and wife Kate Middton in an all night name search for the little tyke.  Taylor was reached this morning via telephone and gave Channel 1 News the following update.


Kate's room where we spent countless hours playing
the name game. We were able to watch "The Price
is Right" (The Queen's favorite show) on the overhead
 TV screens. 
"First tell our readers that the Queen wants to thank everyone in the U.S. for the fan mail she received after her appearance with James Bond at the Olympics.  'It was a royal hoot', she said.

After I arrived at the hospital yesterday and was ushered into Kate's hospital room, I could tell that they were rather tense.  William and Kate were using both  Google searches and  a stack of baby name books  in their pursuit of the perfect name.  As the Queen and I entered the room, they both were relieved. Four heads were better than two. Then the real work began.  Some of the names we eliminated right away were  Ahole, Arse, Balls, Cocka, Dong, Edick, Focker, and Gonad. We found it helped to try out each name with 'King' in front of it.  King Dong brought a smile to both William and Kate, but the Queen's stern look quickly put an end to that name.
William and Kate got a
stern look from the Queen
over one of the name choices.

After ten hours we gave up for the day and I was put up in a room at Buckingham Palace.  I have to agree with what the Queen said to me, "It's really feels special to be special."  I am enjoying some much needed rest and will be back at it tomorrow unless William and Kate come up with a name before then."
Channel 1 News will continue updating the public from inside the Palace until a name is chosen.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

DAVE TAYLOR SUMMONED TO ENGLAND BY THE QUEEN

Channel 1 News's Dave Taylor was summoned by Queen Elizabeth II Monday, just hours after the birth of her great grandson and third in line for the throne.  Her royal highness and Taylor became good friends while he was covering the Summer Olympics last year and according to sources close to Taylor, the friendship has flourished.  They have exchanged birthday and Christmas cards as well as enjoyed numerous live Skype video calls.

The Queen greets Dave Taylor outside
the royal hospital room of the unnamed
royal baby boy.
Although the purpose of the summons was kept secret, it is believed that the Queen, Prince William, and Kate are hoping Taylor can assist in naming the new 8 pound 6 once royal baby boy.  There has been much speculation about a name, but hospital staff have reported anonymously, the royal family is just plain stumped.
The Queen was overheard telling Kate and William that Dave Taylor had helped her name two of her royal fish and was able to call a spade a spade in a royal game of cards.  She was also amazed how often he was able to get the right answer when playing "Name That Tune".  "He's just really good with names, "  she said as she shook her head in wonderment. 

Taylor arrived in England at day break this morning and after a quick stop at an early morning pub, was taken directly to the hospital where the royal family were all waiting.  Upon meeting the Queen he bowed and they both then went into Kate's hospital room where Prince William and Kate were pouring over baby names in a book.

As the world awaits a name for the new baby, one wonders if the baby won't end up being  named Dave in honor of his service to the Queen.  Can a Knighthood be far off?   Channel 1 News will keep abreast to this story from the inside.


Monday, July 22, 2013

COUPLE LIVING THE GOOD LIFE AFTER FINDING WALDO

The inside of the Pearl home looks much the same as others
in their neighborhood except for the cash laying around.
First in a series of the "Well To Do" in Bridgeport.

Earl and Edna Pearl, Brideport residents since 2010 both agree that life in Bridgeport agrees with them.  Both in their early 30s, neither of them has held a job in five years, yet through their business ventures have been able to amass a healthy amount of cash.  "It's like cash is attracted to us!' an excited Earl Pearl said.  "If I was a religious man, I'd say we were blessed."

Earl and Edna met at a Where's Waldo party in 2005 and although won't reveal how they did it,  found Waldo hiding in their closet later that night.  This helped them win an all expenses paid trip touring and hiding with Waldo in Europe. Waldo taught them the ins and outs of making money before he once more slipped away and dropped out of sight.  "The rest is history!" exclaimed Edna Pearl.  "We've had a pretty good cash flow ever since then."

Edna Pearl and Waldo while touring
Europe. "He's not only good at hiding,
he knows what a girl is looking for."
Neighbors of the Pearls agree that they are pretty good neighbors, but that the visitors they have coming and going all night long are a bit of a nuisance.  The Pearls say it is just people looking for Waldo.  "We charge them for clues to Waldo's where abouts." said Pearl.  "It's a good business. So far it's kept the wolf from our door." 
The police department isn't  sure what to think, but is keeping it's distance for now. "This is a head scratcher." the chief said.

Channel 1 News will follow this story and keep our readers up to date on where Waldo might be.





Saturday, July 20, 2013

CHANNEL 1 NEWS QUIZ...TEST YOUR COMPREHENSION.. ENTER AND WIN!!!

Past winners shown here, are ineligible this time around.  They may submit
answers, but they will not count.

 
For no particular reason, Dave Taylor and Channel 1 News are hosting a contest to test our readers comprehension of past news events, reported here at Channel 1 News.  It's that simple, it's that easy to win, if you know the correct answers! 
Listen to what past winners had to say:

Bubba S.  "It was easy!  Even my neighbors thought the questions were simple!"
Lori D.  "Dave and his newsteam almost had me, but no way Jose' or Hose B, I gottem' right!"
Bob U.  "The prize I won is still working!"
Ebba S.  "When I got them all right, I knew I was in for a suprise!"
Dick F.  "I read C1N all the time, so it was really easy."


This shirt is not new, but is not ripe either.
One prize per winner. One size fits all.
To make it easier and more fair, previous winners, their family members, their doctors, and neighbors they know, are ineligible.  We want to give the losers a chance this time.  The rules are simple and few.  1. Answer three questions about three different news stories from the past 18 months.  2. Post your answers on Dave Taylor's Facebook page and post a comment at the end of this blog posting.  3. All  entrants with the correct answers for all three questions will have their name put in a hat of some kind and one winner's name will be drawn. (Hint: You can find the answers in the Channel 1 News blog)  Contest ends July 25th at midnight.

The winner will win a super groovy GRAND PRIZE!
 DAVE TAYLOR'S OWN CHEECH & CHONG T-SHIRT!

A true classic t-shirt that will make you look so cool, you'll feel like an ice-cube walking around.  Dave Taylor wore this shirt in Honolulu and was voted coolest dude around.  Now it can be yours, just answer the three questions below and submit them....Good Luck!

1.  In a news story about a fish scam, how much money did the victim get taken for?
2.  In the story about Benz Gon's disappearance, what kind of eggs did he and his wife eat for breakfast?
3.  In a story about electing the new Pope, what job did Dave Taylor have at the Vatican?

That's it, now better hurry, this contest will end at midnight July 25th.



ASTRONOMER SEES STARS AFTER FACE SLAPPED

Security cameras recorded this shot of
Professor O.G. Wizz getting slapped
by a coed, resulting in a broken jaw.
A noted Bridge Park University professor, O.G. Wizz reportedly suffered a fractured jaw last evening and was admitted to University Hospitals.  Doctor Wizz, a professor of Astronomy was giving a dissertation on planet formation when he was slapped across his face causing the fracture.   Channel 1 News learned that Professor Wizz was having a discussion with a female coed and during the course of their conversation, the Professor was overheard saying to the young coed "I'm really interested in Uranus."  The coed, not familiar with the planet names,  slapped him with a force that twisted his head side ways.  The slap broke his jaw in two places and he was unable to explain  that he was talking about Uranus, the seventh planet in our solar system.
Upon learning of the planet Uranus, the coed, who requested anonymity because of her lack of planetary knowledge, still believes that the professor was making lewd advances towards her.  "I wanted him to see stars!" she told campus police. Professor Wizz's jaw was wired shut and he will be unable to talk for six weeks.  Campus police hope to interview him at that time and get his side of the story.
Channel 1 News will be there.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

FIRST TWINKIES, NOW STINK-EZE...BRIDGEPORT COMPANY READY TO ACT©

The Soft & Brown Co. of Bridgeport has been watching the re-introduction of Twinkies by Hostess and hope to have the same success by re-introducing Stink-Eze, the scented baby diaper.  Soft & Brown Company co-founder Barry Soft looked like the cat that swallowed the canary when he announced his company's decision to once again market the specially scented diapers. With the company slogan "Try Stink-Eze for a Change!" attached to the podium, he addressed members of the press last night.

This photo from the Stink-Eze brochure
shows a happy dad.  "There's no smell
and I only have to change her once a day."

 
"After watching the success of the re-introduction of Twinkies, we at Soft & Brown have decided to start manufacturing and selling Stink-Eze diapers once again.  No one likes smelly diapers and with Stink-Eze you can leave the diaper on baby longer between changes and that saves mom and dad money."  He went on to express interest in getting into the adult diaper business as well.  "No more embarrassing diaper odors for uncle Ben to contend with when out with friends."


Soft & Brown co-founder Barry Soft
shown here in an adult Stink-Eze
proto-type diaper. "It works!" he
exclaimed after wearing the diaper
for 24 plus hours.
Stink-Eze is a patented diaper made of a secret space aged material that absorbs the smell often associated with "dirty" diapers.  A sales brochure explained that the soft cloth like diaper can be cleaned and reused ten times.  Many at the press conference showed interest in the adult diaper.  "Every one knows or has an Uncle Ben," one reporter quipped.  He later sheepishly admitted his name was Ben.
Stink-Eze could easily put Bridgeport in the national spotlight.  Only time will tell and Channel 1 News will be there.








Wednesday, July 17, 2013

BRIDGEPORT IN CRISIS!....CITY HALL'S ELECTRIC POWER SHUT OFF DUE TO NON PAYMENT

Workers came into hot and dark offices
 this morning due to the power being shut off.
In what some are calling a grandiose oversight, someone at City Hall did not pay the electric bill, leaving all offices in the dark. Due to non payment, Bridgeport Power & Light company switched off the electric power at 12:01 A.M. this morning.  City office workers showing up later this morning found offices not only dark, but due to lack of air conditioning, hot and muggy.
Head custodian, Coleen Sweeper tried contacting City Manager Lance Boil without success and was forced to leave him a voice mail on his answering service.
After wondering around in the dark, city office workers were
sent home. "I've done this before, but never
in the actual dark", one worker was quoted saying.
Next office manager Mac DeNife tried contacting Mayor Ben Dover, who left last Friday for Amsterdam with his personal secretary the Lipsa twins, on city business.  He was told Mayor Dover was suffering from extreme extended jet lag and still in bed.  Office Manager DeNife had no choice but to send everyone home until he was authorized to pay the power bill using the city's emergency funds.

BP&L was contacted by Channel 1 News and said they were standing fast by their policy of shutting off power to delinquent accounts.  An official at the power company speaking anonymously said the city's last payment was paid with a check that was returned due to insufficient funds.  The power company gave the city a chance to correct the problem this month, but payment wasn't received as promised by the due date.

In a further update, Channel 1 News just learned attempts to contact the City Manager and the Mayor are now being hampered by the local phone service company.  Service has been terminated for similar non payment reasons.  Channel 1 New will take over and continue trying to reach these important elected officials in hopes of getting the current crisis remedied.
"Bridgeport is too fine a city to be in this situation.  Perhaps it's time the Mayor stay home and do his job!" said defiant City Attorney Pat McGroin, who called Channel 1 News just before this story went to print. Sounds like there are dark days ahead for the Mayor...............

Saturday, July 13, 2013

CONJOINED TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH, SUING PARENTS TO BE RE-CONJOINED

Conjoined twin brothers, claim they were surgically separated at birth and are suing their aging parents  $50,000 for having them separated at birth. If their attempt to be re-conjoined fails, they will double that amount.
One and Two Thing, 35, filed suit today at the Bridgeport County Law Center causing a stack of paperwork resulting in overtime for office workers.
The Thing brothers in 1984, starting
school. To help identify them, they
wore shirts with their names on them.
The parents, Bob and Edna Thing maintain their sons were never really conjoined in the first place and that the lawsuit should be thrown out.  Mrs. Thing told Channel 1 News, the twins were merely holding hands when they were born.  Documentation of the live birth was misplaced during an employee walk out in 1979 or lost in the 1980 hospital fire.
The Thing brothers hope to be re-conjoined by one finger. They share a farm outside of Bridgeport with a woman they have both courted over the years, Lenna Ova, 31.  Ova, because of her timidness, was at first reluctant  talking with Channel 1 News about the lawsuit, but was persuaded to change her mind when told it may help Things along.

Lena Ova, "There is a
special Thing inside me."
"I have grown to love both One and Two, they are my favorite Things" she said as her cheeks became a pinkish hue. "I only pray they can become one again, so we can be married.  As you can see, I'm carrying a Thing of my own and hope to one day marry the Thing's father."

With this confession, now public, attorneys for the older Things say it is only a matter of time before the case is thrown out.  "These Thing brothers only want to be conjoined so they can both legally marry their girlfriend.  There is no concrete proof they were ever conjoined in the first place.  It all has to do with wanting to marry the same woman."
Testing to conclude which of the brothers is the father of the yet to be born Thing are inconclusive and Ms. Ova refuses further testing. " It's my Thing and I'll do what I want to do!" she sang defiantly to the 1969 tune "It's Your Thing" by the Isley Brothers. Ova refused further talks with the media.

County Attorney Pat McGroin looked dumbfounded when asked for his opinion on this case. "You know, I just don't know.  There are just too many things to think about, no pun intended."




Tuesday, July 9, 2013

BRIDGEPORT POLICE SEEK HELP IDENTIFYING MAN THAT WAS KILLED TO DEATH

Police hope someone can identify the people in this
photo.  Supposedly the man that was killed to death
last week, was with these people.
The Bridgeport Police department is seeking the publics help in identifying the people in the accompanying photo.  The picture was obtained from an unnamed source, with a hand written message that read, "The man who was killed to death last Friday, was seen with these people earlier in the evening."

This unidentified man was killed to death
and left on his pillow.




The man who was "killed to death" is in reference to a story Channel 1 News uncovered earlier today, that had been kept from the press in an attempt to flush out the perpetrator. Inspector Hun Kee Dory of the Bridgeport PD told Channel 1 News the man was literally killed to death and left lying on a pillow.  Anyone recognizing this man, is asked to call the Bridgeport Police.
A murder weapon was found, leading investigators to believe the perpetrator or perpetrators knew they had left something behind.  The police refused to disclose just what the murder weapon was in hopes that someone comes back looking for a hatchet.

Channel 1 News will be monitoring this story tonight as the city sleeps. 



Monday, July 8, 2013

DISRUPTIVE AD CAMPAIGN PUTS CITY IN THE LOSER SPOTLIGHT...

The city attorney's office is being asked to investigate the person or persons behind a print ad being run in various places throughout the city, including the sides of city buses.  The ads reads, " ARE YOU A LOSER?" and is followed by a telephone number.  The phone company recently reported an influx of telephone calls to that number, which caused the whole system to crash, disrupting all calls in the city.  Channel 1 News, for obvious reasons, refuses to print the actual telephone number, but the numbers 7 2 5 9 1 6 and 3 are in the mix.


Bjorn Luzer, shown here with
his kittens, had over 200
phone calls in 24 hours.
The city first became aware of the ad when unemployed city resident,  Bjorn Luzer, 36, reported he was getting hundreds of calls daily.  A quick check revealed that his telephone number was only one digit different from the telephone number displayed in the ad.  Luzer ended up having his service halted.  "Without a phone, I am a loser." he was heard telling his kittens as he wept.

Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover directed City Attorney Pat McGroin to uncover the person or persons responsible for placing the ad as quickly as possible.  As he ate a fish stick TV Dinner in the park, he was quoted as saying, "We must put an end to this before neighboring communities think we are a bunch of losers here in Bridgeport!"

City Attorney Pat McGroin, in happier
days before feeling like a loser.
Reached at city hall, the city attorney shrugged and replied there was nothing he could do about it, as no laws were being broken.  "Each time I call the number in question, I get a busy signal," he told Channel 1 News.  "If that doesn't make you feel like a loser, I don't know what does."

Channel 1 News will continue to follow this story.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

SUMMER SKYS BRING NEW UFO SIGHTINGS, CITY MANAGER ACTIVATES SLUTTS

"It's that time a year again," noted Bridgeport City Manager, Lance Boil, "the UFOs are back or at least people are outside more and seeing them more often."  As of yesterday, 22 UFOs have been reported over the skies of Bridgeport prompting Manager Boil to activate the  city's newly formed department named SLUTTS, (Stargazers Looking Up To The  Sky). SLUTTS was formed to collect information and investigate UFO sightings made by Bridgeport residents.


The city's newest employees
Starr, Venus, and Moonbeam will
be looking for UFOs from their
apartment above city hall.
"I'm happy to announce I was able to solicit a skilled trio of professionals to monitor our skies", Boil announced at a recent town hall meeting. "The cost of running this department will be offset by the  funds no longer needed for snow removal."

City Manager Lance Boil on
a recent business trip to
 Las Vegas
The three new city employees, Starr, Venus, and Moonbeam, will move to Bridgeport from LasVegas, where Boil and the Mayor attended a UFO crisis meeting in April.  They will be living in the apartment above city hall and will be using the telescope provided to them to keep an eye on the sky.  Boil said the SLUTTS program will give the city an early warning capability and prevent panic in the streets. He also reiterated how professional the three young ladies were in their hiring interview.  "They were polite and really knew a lot about UFOs", said Boil.
Channel 1 News asked to interview the trio, but was denied access due to their work load. They will be available however, tomorrow at the Mars Bar & Grill on 7th Street during Happy Hour from 4- 7 p.m., where they will be signing posters of various star clusters and planets.  Citizens are encouraged to come out and meet the city's newest "team". 
The news of this new department has many in Bridgeport calling for a special meeting with the Mayor.  Are limited city coffers being used wisely?  Has the city manager gone too far?  Are there really flying saucers?  These are just a few of the questions the Mayor will be asked to answer when he returns from vacation.  Channel 1 News will be there.

CITY WOOING NEW BUSINESS, IS SUM TING UP FOR BRIDGEPORT?

Mayor Ben Dover (lower left) and CC
President Ilene Overalot (r) are flanked
by Pat McGroin (next to mayor), John Dough,
 and other officials of SumTing.
For months now business leaders and city officials have been quietly wooing a company called Sum Ting, with incentives to locate here.  This previously highly guarded news was disclosed last night at a gala dinner event held in the city's Market Square district.  Mayor Ben Dover, Chamber of Commerce President Ilene Overalot, and City Attorney Pat McGroin sat at the head table with the founder and front man of Sum Ting, John Dough.  

This venture started last February when Mayor Ben Dover was on a business trip in Nassau hoping to persuade Nassau businesses to relocate to the city of Bridgeport.  During the two weeks of meetings, the Mayor was introduced to a woman named Gouda Tymsa, who turned out to be the former wife of John Dough, the founder of Sum Ting.  One thing led to another and soon the three were embroiled in fact finding. 
Mayor Dover contacted Chamber President Overalot and she was flown down to join in the fact finding frenzy. 
By the end of the first two days of these meetings, the Mayor and Overalot were convinced that Sum Ting was the wave of the future.  They returned to Bridgeport and began a secret quest to enlighten city officials and the Chamber of Commerce.

Although neither the Mayor or Overalot can fully explain what Sum Ting is or does, they asked that they be trusted.  The city has offered John Dough warehouse space, zero taxes for life, a free bus pass, and a new house in Bridgeport, to bring Sum Ting here.  Dough is holding out for a $10,000 cash advance for moving expenses and for finanial help in the divorce settlement with his former wife, Gouda Tymsa. 

"If something smells, it's usually because something stinks." City Attorney Pat McGroin was quoted as saying as he left the dinner. "I don't like it!"   Like McGroin, Channel 1 News is withholding support on the city's venture and will monitor this story to completion.

Friday, July 5, 2013

BED WETTERS ANONYMOUS CONVENTION MOVED DUE TO ROOM SHORTAGE

The annual convention for Bed Wetters Anonymous slated to be held in downtown Bridgeport, has been forced to relocate due to a hotel room shortage. Convention officials are crying "foul", saying there were plenty of rooms available until hotel owners learned it would be the BWA coming to town. 

BWA President Betty Whetsit is    
considering a lawsuit against the
Bridgeport Hotel Association
 
"We're being discriminated against," BWA president Betty Whetsit declared.  "We are an honest hardworking group of individuals and are very discreet in our ways.  We are not out to soak anyone or anyplace.  We share a love of wetting the bed, that's all."
Bridgeport's Hotel Association countered by saying they were not against the BWA or their charter, but said having a 1000 wet beds all over downtown Bridgeport will deter future business.  "Even with air conditioning, there would be a distinctive odor left in the rooms." said Hotel Association President Peter Puller.

This picture is from the BWA promotional
brochure promoting their agenda.
 
Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover was pulled into the fray when Ms. Whetsit demanded the Mayor help their cause and be an impartial judge.  At first he said it depends, but then quickly added he was forced to recuse himself because he had been a bed wetter as a child.  Whetsit argued that he would be the perfect judge because he has been on both sides of the issue.  The Mayor said he would seek legal council and get back to her in the Fall.
While the BWA waits for a court injunction, the convention has been moved to the Crosstown Park where a permit for camping was issued to the group much to the objections of the EPA.   Channel 1 News will follow this story and flush out the truth as it happens.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

IN A ROUNDABOUT WAY, 4TH OF JULY PARADE ENDS UP ON FREEWAY

An ariel view shows the parade entering
the freeway system. (Red arrow)
Parade officials are scratching their heads as to what happened at this morning's annual 4th of July parade, causing it to enter the city freeway system.  The parade was moving perfectly down the scheduled parade route until it came to the new roundabout at Clover St.  Somehow the lead float became confused at a roundabout and it headed down the entrance ramp onto the freeway, causing a massive snarl in traffic. 

As the parade moved along at 5 mph onto the freeway, traffic moving along at 70 mph swerved to miss the float carrying the 4th of July Queen and her court, who were on the fifth float.  Their faces were filled with horror as semi trucks swerved to miss them.

Traffic came to a virtual stand still on the
freeway as the 4th of July parade entered
the Bridgeport freeway system.
Traffic soon slowed down, coming to a halt as the parade made it's way along the two mile stretch to the next exit. Mayor Ben Dover, who was on hand as an advisor, vowed to call a special meeting of the parade committee.
"Heads will fly!" he proclaimed to a small group of parade goers in front of Billygoats Bar and Grill.  "I promise that the upcoming Halloween parade will go off without a hitch, even if I have to hire professional parade organizers." 
The 4th of July Queen's float arrived at the parade ending point and she was escorted directly to the offices of Ooh, Shet, attorneys specializing in parade mishaps.  The city may be in for a massive law suit and Mayor Ben Dover hopes to talk to the Queen this weekend to defuse the issue.
Channel 1 News will report further updates as the come into the office.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

BRIDGEPORT BUS RIDER MAKES HISTORY

Pedar Dragin, 56, of Bridgeport has been riding the Metro Bus Lines bus #12 everyday for ten years.  Yesterday morning started out like any other day, Dragin boarded bus #12 at 8:15 and as he took his seat, the driver verified his pass, which in doing so set off a series of alarms.  Speakers on the bus started blaring out the musical rendition of "Happy Days Are Here Again!"  Lights flashed, whistles blew, and streamers dropped out of the ceiling of the bus.  Sirens attached outside the bus began low and slowly increased in volume until dogs were howling.  Passengers on the bus were  frantic with fright until a flashing sign at the front of the bus, above the driver revealed the cause of the mayhem. "ONE MILLIONTH PASSENGER!"



The bus security camera caught Pedar
Dragin as he got on the bus to become
the millionth person to do so.
As luck would have it Pedar Dragin had just become the one millionth person to ride the bus.  His first reaction was to look around to see who the winner was and found all eyes were on him, including the person who had boarded just ahead of him.  Bus passenger Ali Aanel, 70, of Bridgeport displayed her displeasure by giving Dragin an obscene finger gesture as she left the bus.
Dragin shrugged his shoulders and told Channel 1 News, "Sometimes you're in the right place at the right time. As for the poor lady that missed it by one, if she hadn't crowed ahead of me she would have been the winner."
Metro Bus Lines knew the milestone would be reached this week, just not when or where.  Dragin will be awarded a special plack and free bus rides until his next birthday, which unfortunately for Dragin is tomorrow.  To compensate, he plans to ride the bus non stop until his special status ends at midnight tomorrow. 

Ali Aanel gives Pedar Dragin a one
digit salute after his bus riding award.
Channel 1 News caught up with Aanel at Willy's Whiskey Bar on Main, where she and a group of fellow bus riders were discussing a bus boycott.  "I ain't no sore loser," she told the riled up crowd, "but I ain't no happy camper neither!  I shoulda been the winner, I been riding the buses for 40 years!"  Someone shouted out, "I'll drink to that!" and they all pounded down a shot of Kentucky's finest.
This Channel 1 News reporter was asked to leave right then and did so to quiet the patrons.

Channel 1 News will inform our readers of any boycotts and follow this story if it should escalate.


Monday, July 1, 2013

MAN DIES WHILE SEEKING FREE COLLEGE TUITION

A Bridgeport man's family is suing a local college over his untimely death.  Last Tuesday Ben Gauzy, 20, answered an ad and applied for free tuition at Jack in the Stack College, a trendy upstart prep school for professional pan-cake flippers, he was dead by Saturday.  What happened between Tuesday and Saturday has his family dazed and confused.  They obtained  legal services from  the law firm of  Holdit, Tite, and Whippit, Goode.

"Ben had been looking to better himself since his last two jobs and dropping out of  high school before that," said his mother,
"He loved pan cakes, he would have been a natural."  She was consoled by her attorney Les Whippit  as they stood outside the local Bridgport eatery Pancake World, where young Gauzy had worked for the past six weeks.


Ben Gauzy before enrolling in
Jack in the Stack collage.  He
had plans to be a flippin' pro, his
mother told Dave Taylor.
According to bystanders, Gauzy was promised free tuition if he could pass a three day training period.  The first day he was grilled continuously on his knowledge of french toast, sausage, and pancakes.  That night he was required to mix from scratch, a 50 gallon batch of pancake mix, butcher a hog for sausage, and fold a hundred table cloths. At the end of that first day, three former Navy Seals dropped out of the class.
Day two began at dawn with Gauzy literally jumping through 100 hoops of various sizes while carrying a portable grill and wearing a backpack filled with 100 lbs of flour. Witnesses said Gauzy wasn't crazy about day two, but managed to make it through while four more dropped out, including a special forces instructor and a Hollywood stuntman.
Day three ended tragically as Gauzy failed a pop quiz about pancake spatulas and as punishment had to write "I like pancakes" on the wall 500,000 times.  It proved to be too much and young Ben Gauzy died from acute finger bleeding and exhaustion.  A wake was held Sunday at Pancake World where his boss and fellow staffers all paid tribute to Gauzy with a pancake eating contest.



Gauzy flipped out after writing  " I
Like Pancakes" 500,000 times. This  
picture was snapped just as Gauzy
snapped.
 
Channel 1 News offered Jack in the Stack College a chance to comment, but they declined due to future enrollment issues.