Saturday, August 31, 2013

DROOLING IS THE NEW TWERKING THANKS TO MYLEY CYRUS

DROOLING HAS OVERTAKEN SEXTING AS A NEW GENERATION SENDS PICTURES OF THEMSELVES DROOLING

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

"I've been sexting my drooling
to my chick and she loves it."
 BarryFunn told reporters.
Unless you've been in a coma these last few days, you've probably witnessed the latest craze to hit the streets since twerking.  "Everybody is doing it, even my granddad!" exclaimed an exited Barry Funn, 25, of Bridgeport.  "The front of my shirt acts as a bib, it's so frickin' cool!" 

Evin Stevens of the Bridgeport Center for Unpredictable Trends told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "No one can explain this new phenomenon, but it is spreading faster than a rumor. It's not just for rock stars and derelicts any more. It has bridged the generation gap, gaining popularity with the older folks as well. The senior center in Lower Town had to start keeping a mop handy in the community room."


Les Funn, 79, once saw Jimmy Page
drool on stage and now is drooling him-
self as he strums "Stairway to Heaven"
on his Guitar Hero guitar.
No one is sure when this trend took hold, but many are saying it started during the Myley Cyrus twerking episode at last week's MTV VMAs.  Many in the audience began drooling openly and it quickly caught on as a nationwide television audience of  teenaged boys sat glued to their sets.  "I'm sure it was a spontaneous drooling event, coast to coast." added Stevens.


Test subject, Bobby N.drooled himself
to sleep and woke up cool and  refreshed.
Meanwhile at the Bridgeport Medical Research Clinic, research doctors are finding that drooling is very beneficial for sleepers with cotton or dry mouth.  "We just may have found something here!"  explained Dr. Didja Doet.  "When we injected  test mice with a drool inhibitor, the little critters slept better in their tiny pools of drool and woke up chasing their tails.  This might be the break through we've been looking for."
Two human trials have been started to see if drooling helps or hinders sleep.  Initial findings are showing that a person not only sleeps better, but remains cooler because of the drool dampened pillow.   More tests are needed to see if cotton mouth can be cured.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS has copyrighted this story and will follow it until the next fad takes it's place.  As for Myley Cyrus, she was last seen soaking up her boyfriend's drool with a #1 foam finger.




 

Friday, August 30, 2013

LOCAL WOMAN MARRIES TREE TO SAVE IT FROM THE CHAINSAW

BRIDE IS A SELF PROCLAIMED TREE WHISPERER AND SAYS REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE CITY SAYS, THE TREE IS NOT ILL........

A Dave Taylor exclusive human interest story.

Snortzall with her new husband, Ashton
Tree.  She plans to keep her name, but
will live in the tree during the summer
months.
BIG BEAVER, MN.

In what may be the worlds first marriage between a human and a tree,  Quindella Snortzall, 30, of Big Beaver is a happy bride.  Snortzall, a self proclaimed tree whisperer told CHANEL 1 NEWS, she took action after learning the city of Big Beaver  had marked the 35 year old Ash tree for removal because of disease.  "I went to visit the poor  tree and found out he wasn't as sick as people said, all he needed was a root canel. He told me he would bend over backwards for me if I could help him.  We talked for better part of four hours and it wasn't long before I fell in love."

Snortzall first contacted city hall about buying the tree, but her request was denied because the tree is in a public park.  Next she contacted the local branch of Save The Trees, a conservation organization, but learned they too couldn't help due to weak funding.  This left Snortzall stumped, but not for long.  "If she had to," she said, "I'll go out on a limb and marry the tree!"  Her parents tried talking her out of it, but she was determined to stick to her plan.  "Love makes you do strange things sometimes!" she exclaimed  "but I was not going to let them take Ashton's life."

On August 15th Snortzall was in court and obtained a court order for a moratorium on the tree removal, which was served to the city the following morning.  Next she spent the night with the tree, who's name she says is Ash. They talked of her desire to wed him and at that point she said she could almost feel his bark harden.  According to Snortzall, that sealed it.  He proposed and the next day she obtained a marriage licence from Amazon.com.   The two were married at day break the following morning by the Reverend Roy Wood.  Those attending were her parents and friends.  "It was so beautiful," cried her mother.  "There were birds singing in the tree branches as the sun came up and Quindella looked so lovely standing under the tree with her hand holding his branch.  It made me cry knowing this big tree was now part of the family. Our own family tree!"
The city of Big Beaver still intends to cut the tree down and remove it when the court order expires. A court battle is forthcoming.     In the mean time the new Mrs. Ash Tree plans to live up in the tree until colder weather.  "Who knows," she said, "there might even be some new little twigs if people just leave us alone."

CHANNEL 1 NEWS can not confirm Snortzall's  claim of communicating with trees, but plans to follow this story and keep you updated, knock on wood. 







Thursday, August 29, 2013

BRIDGEPORT EAGLE SCOUT HOPES TO IMMIGRATE TO MARS

Conner Mann shown here
after receiving a merit badge
for growing a beard.
BEARDED SCOUT HOPES TO EARN A MERIT BADGE BY LEAVING EARTH FOR GOOD AND SETTLING ON MARS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Eagle Scout Conner Mann, 35, of Bridgeport Troop 1002, wasted no time in volunteering to immigrate to the planet Mars when the private spaceflight  organization Mars-One, started looking for applicants.   Mars-One is a not for profit organization that plans to establish a  permanent human colony on the red planet by 2023. 

This is a one way flight and all astronauts chosen will not have the option of returning to Earth.  When Mann was asked why he wanted to do this he quickly responded smiling, "I want to be the first Mann on Mars.....no, no, just kidding." A proud look spread across his face, "I have room on my belt for one more merit badge and this will get me that badge!"   Mann, who started scouting late in life, earned his first merit badge at age 20, by living a month in the wild on only tree bark and baloney sandwiches.  "I've hated baloney ever since," he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  When asked if there were other reasons he'd want to live on the red planet Mars, he responded, "Well, red is my favorite color for one thing, and it would make my folks happy, as I would finally be getting out of their house."

When Mann's parents were contacted, they both wished him the best and would be glad to drive him to the launch pad.  CHANEL 1 NEWS will follow this story until blast off.


Sunday, August 25, 2013

CHUCK NORRIS DIED EARLY THIS MORNING BUT IS MUCH BETTER TONIGHT

Chuck Norris after learning he wasn't
really dead.
AFTER SPENDING MOST OF THE DAY DEAD, ACTOR SAYS HE WAS ONLY ACTING.

HOLLYWOOD, Ca.



In what could be called an Academy Award performance, famous actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris collapsed this morning and was pronounced dead by the county coroner.  It wasn't until late this afternoon that he surprised workers at the county morgue by hollering "Pune Tang!" and jumped off his slab in a karate crouch. 
Known for his acting ability, he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS he was rehearsing for an up coming action film.  "I like to totally immerse myself in my characters," he said. "The script called for my character to die and I guess I got so into character my heart stopped."

County Coroner Dr. Ho Lee MoLee was called to the corner of 12th and Vine St. at 9 A.M. where Norris had been found motionless.  "He had no pulse and was not moving. I declared him dead." Dr. MoLee said.  His body was moved to the morgue and was awaiting family to make arrangements.
After Norris awoke, he remembered that he was rehearsing for a part and thanked workers at the morgue for watching over him.  He promised a free acting lesson and a Total Gym machine to each of them.

Norris said he plans to carry a card in his wallet that reads "I'm not really dead, I am an actor," to ward off something like this happening again.  He wants his fans to know he is alive and doing well and not to send flowers.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

LOCAL FUNERAL PARLOR ENJOYS " RECORD" BUSINESS!

BRIDGEPORT BUSINESS NEWS SPOTLIGHT........MEET MORTICIAN DOUG GRAVES


Mortician Doug, recently paid the royalty fees
to allow "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin to
be played inside the caskets of the departed. 
Heaven's Gate Funeral Parlor of Bridgeport is enjoying a spike in business since they began offering musical casket choices.  "Every thing is better with music," said Heaven's Gate's owner and mortician, Doug Graves. "and that includes burial vessels too."  Graves, who goes by Mortician Doug in the business world, was keynote speaker this month at the Brotherhood of Pall Bearers Union meeting. CHANNEL 1 NEWS caught up with this charismatic business leader during a break.

"I am getting away from calling these things caskets and like to prefer to them by the more user friendly name of burial vessel."  he said as he stood by a display model. 
"In the past few years clients have been leaning more towards cremation, which hits those of us in the business where it hurts the most, the bottom line."  Then Mortician Doug's eyes lit up,  "One day the idea  hit me that what was needed was a better burial vessel, one with a musical option!  I started installing digital sound systems to each vessel. Your music of choice is then downloaded and plays inside the vessel for as long as the burial vessel batteries last. If a client wishes and for an extra $2K,we also have a solar battery available for placement above ground, allowing eternal musical playback inside the vessel below!"

Doug reported "business began booming soon after the music option was added" and no pun  intended he grinned.  Musical options available at this time are "Hold On, I'm Comin'" by Sam and Dave, "Sittin' on the Dock in the Bay" by Otis Redding, "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees,  and the favorite "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin.
Mortician Doug added that he has a band ready to record your favorites and will take your requests. 

CHANNEL 1 NEWS reports the local business news, once in a blue moon and will continue to do so.


Monday, August 19, 2013

EXTREME TATTOOS CATCHING ON IN BRIDGEPORT

"Gone are the days of the rose tattoo or "MOM" etched inside
a heart. More and more people are leaning toward an extreme
 tattoo like this one." Extreme Eddie told his client Sy Clone.
Two days ago Sy Clone, 24 of Bridgeport, gave himself a buzz cut and walked into Extreme Eddie's Tattoo Parlor.  Six hours later, Extreme Eddie had created a masterpiece on Clone's head, changing the way he looked forever.

"We live in a world of craziness" X Ed told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "Why not let yourself join the madness?"  Extreme Eddie or X Ed as he prefers friends call him and who's legal name is  Kerby Bobsucker is new to Bridgeport.  In his formative years he had two loves, football helmets and tattoos.  He said it was only natural then to tattoo a helmet onto his head and after the local tattoo artist made a mess with the tattoo of the  face guard, X Ed took over tattooing his own head, and has never looked back.

Extreme Eddie, shown with his
self given full helmet tattoo.  "I love
football helmets!" he confessed.
When asked if he ever regretted the helmet tattoo, his reply was only when his hair grows too long, "hairy helmets haven't caught on yet".
X Ed bought out the tattoo artist and moved the business to Salt Lake, where he admits he nearly starved, before moving to Bridgeport two months ago.  "Business here is great!  This is a crazy place to live and I can finally say I'm no longer operating in the red!  No pun intended!" he laughed.
He hopes to expand his parlor this fall and says he will start giving senior discounts. In his spare time he will continue to work on tattooing football shoulder pads onto his shoulders.  He also sees giving himself a tattooed jock strap in the future. 
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story in future reports.



Monday, August 12, 2013

LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS BENEFITS OF CROCODILE TEARS AMID SKEPTICISM

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Saul Lomi found his swagger after using
crocodile tears in his Wheaties.  "I'm like a
magnet to women now!"
Crocodile tears are making headlines around the country again after a man in Bridgeport claimed his love life increased ten fold after adding the slightly sweet tears to his Wheaties.
Saul Lomi, 65, a retired florist from Bridgeport is enjoying his new youthfulness as he makes the rounds at all the bars and busy nightspots.  "It's got to be the crococdile tears!" he exclaimed.  "One day I'm an old has been of 65, then a couple day's after sweetening my Wheaties with croc tears, I'm being hounded like a rock star, women everywhere are hitting on me!"
Lomi saw an ad in a obscure journal while in the waiting room of his urologist.  The ad read,  Get Your Swagger Back. "I thought, what the hell I may as well give it a try.  The poor guy that collected the tears lost a hand to the crocodile so it was the least I could do."  Lomi sent for the four once bottle of crocodile tears and since then, has not looked back.

Research doctors at Bridgeport University are skeptical of Lomi's claims but have been able to disprove them because of a lack of crocodile tears for study.  It turns out the man Lomi  purchased the tears from parished while making a further one handed attempt at collecting more tears.  Since learning of this tragedy, Lomi is guarding his remaining crocodile tears with his life.  
CHANNEL 1 NEWS has sent Senior Newsman Dave Taylor to South America to talk to the widow of the crocodile tear collector.  The truth will be reported here in a future story.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

BRIDGEPORT TO HOLD BREAST FEEDING SEMINAR

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Mom Mary Melons, is debating weening
her son before he graduates from high
school. She hopes to get some tips on
weening the older child.
Bridgeport will host a breast feeding seminar next weekend August 17 and 18, with hopes of answering the age old question of when to ween "Junior".  Many notable speakers will be in town to discuss this question in hopes of coming to a consensus.
Breast feeding is becoming more and more the "norm" as medical studies show the benefits to the new born baby.  The problems seem to arise in knowing when to ween the baby.  Some experts say anywhere from a year to two years, while others say longer is more beneficial. 
Noted breast feeding expert Taki Tazt will discuss various options for breast feeding older babies. "The bond formed between mother and child, sometimes causes the child to want to continue breast feeding much longer then needed," she told CHANNEL 1 NEWS. "This is especially true with male children." Tazt suggests giving the older child a reward for quitting. " After weening, a colorful T-shirt  that says, 'I AM A WEENEE', has shown to be a big hit."

 Breast feeding mothers are asked to bring their  their questions and stories of successful weening.  The seminar will conclude on Sunday with a mass breast feeding at two P.M. in Center Park.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be keeping our readers abreast of upcoming events.

Friday, August 9, 2013

VETERAN CLEAR COLOR TV ANCHOR JOINS THE CHANNEL 1 NEWS TEAM

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

CLEAR COLOR TV anchor Chet
  Ubet is moving to Channel 1 News.
He will be an assignment reporter,
working with Dave Taylor.
 

CHANNEL 1 NEWS is welcoming a newcomer to the news team, news veteran Chet Ubet of CCTV in China.  Ubet has been reporting the news in the Far East since his arrival there in 1964 to look for the lost city of Hung Chow. He spent years searching and writing a book about his search.  Although he never gave up looking, he needed to make a living and took a job reporting the news.  He became an instant hit and quickly worked his way up to head anchor.  His news cast is seen by millions of viewers daily and is the only all English language news program.  He will be missed.
Ubet will bring a fresh approach to the news room and will make periodic reports about his search for the lost city of Hung Chow.
"I have been looking for Hung Chow a long time now." he told a friend.  "Finding Hung Chow is my dream."  He plans to return to China twice a year to continue his search.
He will start his new duties at CHANNEL 1 NEWS Monday and hopes to report at least one story a week to his new audience.
Everyone here at CHANNEL 1 NEWS welcomes him!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

BRIDGEPORT STAR BASEBALL PITCHER SUSPENDED

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.
 Bomber star pitcher  T Ball, denies knowing
anything about steroids or any other drugs.
His pitches have been clocked at 120 mph. 
 

As the world struggles with the suspension of superstar baseball players like A Rod and 12 other big league players,  the Bridgeport Bombers have their own player problems.  Tommy Teste aka T Ball, failed  a surprise drug test this morning much to his surprise.   "Hey I'm not into drugs!" he exclaimed to Bridgeport Baseball Commissioner, Brutus Ayoudead.  "All my strength and muscle tone comes from the Lord".
T Ball was stopped early this morning as he was letting himself into his apartment on Swinger St. after a night of frolic with friends.  Commissioner Ayoudead and two assistants followed T Ball into his apartment where the special drug test was given.  "To appease our fans, these surprise tests are given when our players least expect them." Commissioner Ayoudead told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  The test contains 20 true or false questions followed by 20 multiple choice questions.  T Ball was reported to have gotten all but seven wrong, meaning an automatic thirty day suspension. 
T Ball pleaded with the commissioner to no avail.  "I'm in love with the game, but it's the money I'll miss most." he said in a somber tone.  T Ball is reported to make $5000 a game, meaning this suspension will cost him $100,000.  If he appeals and loses he may have to return his baseball jersey and hat also.  "I know my fans are going to be let down, but I plan to stay pumped up until I can get back on the field.  You have to keep yourself pumped at all times!" he said with a grin.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story and keep you updated.



 

Monday, August 5, 2013

CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S DAVE TAYLOR HAS A BIRTHDAY

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.



Dave Taylor, contemplating his 57th
birthday as he looks ahead to the stories
yet to be covered.
With little fanfare yesterday, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S senior analyst and anchor Dave Taylor turned the page and celebrated his 57th birthday.  In a very short "celebration" he lit a candle for truth, crossed off the date on his personal calendar, held and looked at a picture of his childhood puppy Snarly Charlie, and then  immediately immersed himself in his work of in depth searching for the news stories you need and want to hear. 
Being Sunday, the office was closed and empty except for Taylor, who never takes a day off.  His fellow workers at CHANNEL 1 NEWS tried to surprise him with a cake and his favorite meal of fish sticks, but he would have none of it.  He asked that the "goodies" be donated to a nearby hospital and thanked his co-workers for remembering, before locking himself in the office to work. Try as he could to remain working, he was interrupted repeatedly throughout the rest of the day.  Shortly afternoon he received a call from Queen Elizabeth, with whom Taylor had just visited to help in naming the new royal baby.  The call lasted just over 90 minutes.  Next came a call from the incumbent President of China, XiJinping, who is an avid follower of Taylor's news. During their conversation he apologized for banning CHANNEL 1 NEWS in his country for reasons he could not divulge.  The next caller was President Obama, who shares a birthday with Taylor.  They discussed world affairs for just short of 45 minutes and then sang Happy Birthday to each other before ending the call.

President Obama chatting with Dave Taylor
on their shared birthday.
Taylor went on to receive many more calls from friends and dignitaries around the world before calling it a day.  In an end of the day statement, he had this to say:  "Thanks to all who remembered me on my birthday!  And now let's get down to some real news....." 


CHANNEL 1 NEWS is also happy to report that Dave Taylor signed a new multi-year contract and will be reporting the latest as it happens, for quite a while.  Happy Birthday Dave!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

SNUGGLE BUDDIES ARE COMING TO BRIDGEPORT JUST IN TIME FOR FALL

Burly Bob is new
this year and has
crossable farm boy
 legs.
Northern Nan will keep you
warm in front of  the crackling
bon fire.
Business News Saturday showcases new businesses in town.


BRIDGEPORT, Mn.
With Fall right around the corner, the sun will soon set earlier and the cool evening air will send shivers through your body and make goosebumps on your skin.  This according to the ad campaign of Snuggle Buddies R Us, an upstart business in Bridgeport.
Buster Rose, spokesman for Snuggle BuddiesRUs of Bridgeport was downtown Friday to promote their new line of Snuggle Buddies for Fall.  "You know, with the cooler weather coming, there's going to be many hayrides and bon fires coming up and if you're a loner like I am,  a Snuggle Buddie can help keep you warm and be your friend."
Rose showcased two of the company's newest units which he said were so life like he had to keep them separated.  The male unit, Burly Bob, stands 6' 2" and comes with a fixed permanent grin on his rugged face.  He also has thick farm boy style legs that can be easily crossed when sitting around a campfire.  "In our tests, ladies also liked his large perky ears," he added.
For the men, Snuggle Buddies is introducing Northern Nan.  Nan is hearty lass in a white dress that exposes long goose bump covered legs.  "No man can resist a girl with goose bumps on her legs." Rose said blushingly.  Her eyes can be fixed open in a look of surprise or as slits.  She too has a permanent grin on her face.  Both units can be ordered with your choice of hair color and are guaranteed to keep you warm, happy, and in good company on those cool autumn nights. As their ad states, "Everybody needs a Snuggle Buddy." The cost of these "Buddies" was not discussed.  Rose said only, "If you have to ask how much they cost, you probably can't afford one."

Snuggle BuddiesRUs spokesman Buster
Rose with Snuggle Buddie Roxanne, a
popular college coed Study Buddie.


Channel 1 News will report on popularity of these products in the coming business reports.



Friday, August 2, 2013

MAGICIAN MISSING AFTER DISAPPEARANCE ACT GOES TERRIBLY WRONG

The "Great Ger Koff" shown stepping into
his magic window on Tuesday night. He has
yet to come back and his family and creditors
are worried.
Family members of local magician The Great Ger Koff, whose legal name is Gerry Koff, are in a panic mode after Koff literally disappeared during a performance on Tuesday night.  Koff was the main and final act Tuesday night at the Bridgeport Talent & Sweet Corn Husking Show held in City Park.
In the final magic act of each performance, The Great Ger Koff steps into a "magic" window and appears to disappear.  On Tuesday night he stepped into the window and as the frame fell to the floor, the audience gasped and looked at each other in amazement.  The applause that followed was deafening.

As the last of the thrilled audience filed out of the show tent, Koff's mother ran up on stage and picked up the picture frame.  "Where is my Ger Koff?" she blurted with a tear in her eye.  "He was suppose to come right back, he's still in there!"  Bridgeport police were called soon after and leery of becoming part of a magic show prank responded slowly.  Investigative officer Tu Long did not arrive on the scene until noon on Wednesday where he found an anxious group of family members milling around.  To make matters worse, a larger group of Koff's creditors were also present.  A quick check by Channel 1 News found that Koff was not only behind in his rent, groceries, and escort services, but he also owed Bug's Bunny Ranch,  $1500 for rabbits used in his show.


Mrs. Koff waits and hopes that
 her son "The Great Ger Koff"
will reappear soon.
Koff's mother, who claimed she was once sawed in half by her son and has the scares to prove it, maintained the disappearance trick had gone terribly wrong.  "My Gerry is either looking for  rabbits that never came back or is lost."  His creditors aren't buying her story and think he has skipped town.  They have filed for an injunction to keep the picture frame in a jail cell.
Judge Ima Kidd will rule on the request after watching an audience member's phone video of Koff's disappearing act. "I'm going to watch it in slow motion" Judge Kidd said.  "Over and over if I have to."

 Channel 1 News will follow this story and hopefully will be able to report the safe return of The Great Ger Koff.


Thursday, August 1, 2013

VATICAN NEWS LEAK! DAVE TAYOR SHOWN IN POPE'S ROBE

This picture of Dave Taylor taken during
the recent voting for the new Pope, leaked
out of the Vatican this morning.
News leaking out of the Vatican this morning has hundreds of followers dropping to their knees.  As news of the leak spreads throughout the world, the huge church following could break the Guinness Brothers' record for the most people on their knees at one time.  The news leak, in the form of a picture shows Dave Taylor blessing a group of young Cardinals.  Vatican officials played down  the photo by saying the picture was taken during a voting recess, when attendees dressed in costumes and played Charades.
Yet other inside sources tell Channel 1 News that Taylor was chosen in a secret ballad, to step in for Pope Frances in an emergency.  "Although Taylor is not a Catholic, his broad appeal across the globe could unite the masses," said Father Chico Jamison, as he broke a vow of silence and asked that his name not to be used.  (Channel 1 News considered this request and was undecided at the time of this printing.)
Avid Channel 1 News readers will remember that Dave Taylor was called to the Vatican to help in selecting the new Pope.  Taylor was sequestered with Cardinals from around the world as they prayed and voted for a new Pope to replace Pope Benidict.  Pope Benidict and Taylor had become good friends and Twittered each other almost daily.  It was Pope Benidict who asked that Taylor help out in the voting.  It was Father Jamison who says it went farther than that.  A secret ballad was held in which Taylor was chosen to "take over" if Pope Frances ever wanted it.
Dave Taylor was reached at his vacation condo and when asked about the Vatican leak, denied the story saying that his life is about reporting news, not leading a flock.
Channel 1 News will remain neutral in reporting this story, yet follow it if the need arises.  In a closing note, Channel 1 News will reach a decision soon about not using Father Jamison's name in future stories.)