Wednesday, September 25, 2013

CHRISTIAN SINGLES BAR TO CLOSE DOORS

THE OWNER OF JC'S, THE CITIES ONLY CHRISTIAN SINGLES BAR  WILL CLOSE ON FRIDAY. THE BAR WAS OPENED AS A PLACE FOR CHRISTIAN SINGLES TO MEET AND SHARE A BREW, HOWEVER IT WAS UNABLE TO KEEP OUT PATRONS OF OTHER FAITHS RESULTING IN FIGHTS, STABBINGS, AND SHOOTINGS

BRIDGEPORT. Mn.

Bar owner Arthur Menn, whose is listed in the phone book as  A. Menn, saw his dream project of a singles bar for Christians go the way of the 5¢ beer.  He will close the door to his bar for the final time on Friday.

Menn opened JC'S at the end of Lent this year hoping to create a place for Christian singles to meet and loosen up a little.  All went well until the 4th of July when non Christians began coming in to celebrate the holiday.  Muslim patrons soon  filed a complaint because of the pork tenderloin sandwich specials on Thursdays and Jewish patrons were upset with the large lighted cross on the outside bar sign.  Violence erupted in the weeks that followed and police were soon being summoned daily.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS obtained a crime report for JC'S and learned that there had been eight fights, three stabbings, and two shootings in the weeks from July 4 until July 31.  Strangely enough, each person arrested claimed to be "doing God's work."   Menn decided enough was enough and the decision to close the bar was final.


Buffy Upp, 26 met Lloyd Fingers,
73, online and plans to be a regular
 at Sugar Daddy's.
Menn plans to re-theme the bar and re-open as "Sugar Daddy's" on Halloween.  He hopes to bring together younger women and older "well off" men.  "There are a lot of younger gals out there that need a sugar daddy," said a winking Menn to CHANNEL 1 NEWS correspondent Dave Taylor.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS  will monitor the progress and file a report the day after Halloween.









Sunday, September 22, 2013

GUN LOBBYIST SHOOTS SELF TO PROVE A POINT

THE NATIONAL GUN RIGHTS DEBATE TOOK CENTER STAGE IN BRIDGEPORT LAST EVENING  WHEN SECOND AMENDMENT ACTIVIST  DAZZEL  RASCALI TOOK THE PODIUM AT A DINNER RALLY AND ENDED UP SHOOTING HIMSELF

BRIDGEPORT Mn.


To show the attendees at the gun rally that
 guns don't shoot people, people do, Dazzel Rascali
 shot himself in the head. Miraculously the
 bullet missed his brain and he will recover.
The Bridgeport Maiden Hotel was the meeting place last night for an NRA sponsored dinner/fund raiser.  Over 40 attendees dined on breaded lobster fish sticks and french fries while enjoying a Paul Revere and the Raiders cover band. Outside the hotel an anti-NRA group marched in the street handing out pro marijuana pamphlets. 

After dinner and one last song request for the band, the meeting's main speaker, Dazzel Rascali, 42, took the stage to welcome those in attendance.  Rascali, a well liked gun lobbyist is known for his unorthodox methods of getting his message across.  Tonight was no different.  Midway through his presentation, after fielding a question about the mass shootings across the country, he pulled out a Glock pistol and to the astonishment of the diners, held it point blank to his head. "Guns don't kill people," he said, "people do."  With that he pulled the trigger, blowing away most of his head.  He took two steps backwards and fell to his knees before falling over in a heap. 

Women in the audience cried and men moaned, their dining experience ruined witnessing Rascali's life changing event.   The hotel Chef rushed up on stage and kept Rascali company until paramedics arrived and took him away.  Most thought he would not make it to the hospital, but would learn that  miraculously the bullet had missed his brain and doctors gave him an 86% chance of recovery, although the reattachment of his ear was given only a 12% success rating. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to briefly talk with Rascali this morning.  He was resting comfortably and drinking a Dr.Pepper.  The last thing he remembered about last night was the cover band playing "It's Just Like Me", a Paul Revere hit from the '60s.
He wanted everyone in Bridgeport to know that he would be back to finish his talk,  he wants to end peoples fear of guns for good.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.





Thursday, September 19, 2013

TAINTED MOUTH WASH LEAVES MAN NEAR DEATH AND WITH A BAD TASTE IN HIS MOUTH

MAYORAL CANDIDATE IKEN DOOLITTLE IS CREDITED WITH SAVING THE MANS LIFE AFTER DETECTING TAINTED MOUTH WASH IN MAN'S BREATH

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Iken Doolittle shown here in a
previous photo, is being hailed
as a hero.
Less than a week after announcing his candidacy for Bridgeport's top spot as the Mayor, City Councilman Iken Doolittle is being hailed as a hero.  On Wednesday morning as Doolittle enjoyed his apricot/rhubarb juice at The Breakfast Club Cafe, Delbert Stank, 60, from nearby Clusterbang Lake stumbled in holding his throat and dropped heavily to his knees.  As others in the cafe screamed and scrambled to leave, Doolittle instinctively began sniffing Stank's breath and was able to determine that the stink in Stank's breath came from recently gargled tainted mouthwash.
"Stank's breath was stinky," Doolittle said. "And with my abnormally heightened sniffing receptors, I could smell something wrong from across the room."  As Stank writhed around on the floor in obvious discomfort, Doolittle took one sniff of his breath and immediately grabbed a butter knife from a table and scrapped Stank's throat to get a culture.  Using a new app on his IPhone he quickly was able to study the culture and diagnose the problem of tainted mouthwash.  He gave Stank an antidote and within minutes Stank was well enough to be transported to the hospital where he was treated for fractured knees and scrape wounds in his throat.

Delbert Stank rests comfortably
in the hospital after gargling
tainted mouth wash.
As reported in an earlier story, Doolittle is a self taught morning breath oder evaluator, who earns a hefty living as a free lance morning breath sniffer. He sells his results to bad breath companies world wide.  He announced his candidacy for Mayor earlier in the week and when asked by OFF THE WALL NEWS if he thought this bit of heroism would get him more votes, he replied, "I hope so.  This is going to be a very close race, but I think I can win by a nose."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow all the candidates in this most important of city races.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

BRIDGEPORT POLICTAL SCENE HEATS UP AS TWO MORE ENTER MAYORAL RACE

CITY COUNCILMAN DOOLITTLE'S ANNOUNCEMENT YESTERDAY THAT HE WILL SEEK TO UPSET MAYOR DOVER HAS PROMPTED TWO OTHERS TO TOSS THEIR HATS INTO THE RING

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Mayor Ben Dover was very surprised when told one of the sitting city council members planned to oppose him in the November elections.  Contacted last evening on the Mediterranean Island of Sardinia, where he and his secretaries are on a business trip,  he talked  to CHANNEL 1 NEWS via Skype during a break in what was said to be  a very important meeting. 
"I hope Councilman Doolittle is fooling around again, he likes to fool around you know." Dover said with a face getting redder by the minute. "He needs to stick to what he does best and that's sniffing other peoples morning breath!" 
The connection was lost before the Mayor could be told the field of candidates had grown. Two more Bridgeportians  have tossed their hat into the ring bringing the total of challengers to three.

Marilee Krupt is well known down-
town Bridgeport for fights against
city hall over bar closing times.
Bangfer Yurbuck immigrated to
Bridgeport from Iran in 2003
to begin a new career.
Bangfer Yerbuk, 69, and Marilee Krupt, 47, both of Bridgeport filed papers only hours after City Councilman Iken Doolittle made his announcement on Friday. 
Yerbuk was born in Iran and raised dust mites until he immigrated to Bridgeport in 2003 in reply to an add seeking sperm donors.  "I've always been single, but I'm the father of many hundreds." he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "I'm good at my trade, work fast, and if elected Mayor will use a hands-on approach at getting the job done."
Krupt, a life long resident says she will bring about change.  "Change is important," she told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "Especially when we got a Mayor like this Ben Dover.  He takes our tax money and gallivants all over the world!  I'll change that and only gallivant in Bridgeport."
Political pundents are saying it's too early to make any predictions, but this may be a close race.  As of this report, Mayor Dover is still unaware of the growing field of challengers.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will continue trying to reach him and give you his reactions and comments.




 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

CITY COUNCILMAN TO TAKE ON THE MAYOR IN UPCOMING ELECTION

COUNCILMAN IKEN DOOLITTLE FILES PAPERS TO RUN AGAINST MAYOR DOVER IN THE NOVEMBER ELECTIONS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


City Councilman Iken "Ike" Doolittle
promises to clean up City Hall and rid
it of bad breath.
Iken Doolittle, or Ike as someone once called him, filed papers today showing his intent to run against Mayor Ben Dover in November.  Doolittle says there's much to do and he plans on doing as much as he can if elected.
"I'll do what it takes, " he told CHANNEL 1 NEWS at an impromptu announcement party at the Bridgeport Pollen Collection Center.  "Most people have no idea I am a guy who isn't afraid to drink diet colas, aspartame or no."
Doolittle, 43, is a self taught breath odor evaluator working free lance out of his home.  "Its something I dreamed about doing when I was a kid", he said. "Basically I take deep sniffs of people's morning breath, especially those with breath inundated with coffee and other known bad-breath makers to test how good mints and mouthwashes work or don't work. The information I collect is invaluble to the fresh breath companies.  It's fun and I get time off if I get a head cold."

Doolittle is also a family man and in his spare time likes to scrape gum off the bottom of restaurant tables, theater seats, and sidewalks. "It's something the whole family can do together," he grinned.  "If I'm elected Mayor, I plan to get serious about cutting taxes and refinishing the chairs in the city hall council chambers."

CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow Doolittle's campaign up to the election and plans to do a story on his private life.


Friday, September 13, 2013

STRIP POKER COMES TO BRIDGEPORT NIGHT CLUB

WITH THE BLESSING OF THE MAYOR, STRIP POKER BECAME LEGAL TODAY IN BRIDGEPORT DRINKING ESTABLISHMENTS. OPPONENTS MARCHING OUTSIDE THE BARS WERE DISPERSED BY COURT ORDER ONCE THE GAME BECAME LEGAL AT 8 P.M.


BRIDGEPORT, MN.


Richard Head, 25, looks on in disbelief after losing
in the first round of the strip poker tournament held
 in Bridgeport at Lucky's Bar and Strip Poker Club.
The city of Bridgeport became the first city in the United States to legalize the playing of strip poker in public establishments prompting Lucky's Bar in downtown Bridgeport to hold it's first strip poker tournament on Friday night.  Lucky's owners obtained  the required license earlier in the day and changed their establishments name to Lucky's Bar and Strip Poker Club.

As expected, a huge crowd showed up Friday evening for the free wiener and melon feed that preceded the beginning of the strip poker tournament.  Mayor Ben Dover was on hand to cut the ribbon to get things rolling and act as an official observer. 
The first round began promptly at 8:01 with three tables of four players at each table.  The rules were standard five card stud rules except with deuces, threes, and Jacks wild.
Mayor Ben Dover second from right gets
ready to cut the ribbon at Lucky's Bar
and Strip Poker Club as owners Walt and
Iris Pimpleton look on.
The rules of strip poker were followed with clothing used in place of poker chips.  Richard Head, 25, of Bridgeport had the distinction of becoming the tournament's first loser after he lost all his clothes in six hands.  He spent the rest of the evening sitting on a bench shaking his head in disbelief as his wife and sister-in-law sat nearby giggling. 
Meanwhile local clergy hope to find a way to stop the strip poker playing saying the rules of stud poker are not being followed making it an illegal card game.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow up on the findings and file a report.


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

EZ FITNESS OPENS IN BRIDGEPORT

EZ FITNESS OPENS IN BRIDGEPORT WITH A "NO SWEAT" APPROACH TO FITNESS,  MEMBERSHIP APPLICATIONS ARE BRISK

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Escalators at EZ Fitness  make it easy for
clients to get to the entrance. "Its our no sweat
approach." said EZ Fitness Co-Owner
Preston Nubbs.
At long last Bridgeport has joined the rest of the world and can now boast having a fitness center.  EZ Fitness, a Hollywood based franchise company opened a new store over the weekend.  The EZ Fitness Gym is located in the old Bridgeport Packing Plant building on UpChuck St. and has the company's signature entrance complete with escalators. 
Co-Owner Preston Nubbs was quick to point out the escalators are part of the no sweat approach to fitness.  "At EZ Fitness, if you're sweating, you're over doing it," he said.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor, a stickler for fitness sat down and talked with franchise owner/operators Preston Nubbs and Tyler Bates at Mom's Pizza Parlor.


Co-Owners Preston Nubbs and Tyler
Bates are looking forward to living in
Bridgeport.They have been close friends
since high school.
Taylor asked the pair to explain the EZ Fitness approach and motto.  Bates without hesitation spoke up, "Let me go first.  The company motto is 'If you want to get fit, no sweat' and we believe the motto says it all! You don't have to sweat to get fit.  From the time you ride the escalators up to the door, to the end of your twenty minute breathing routine and back down to the street again, you shouldn't have a drop of sweat on you." 
Next Nubbs added, "Man is the only animal that sweats! Did you know that?  And that's because he allows himself to get all worked up.  Our approach is to unwork you, taking a no work, no sweat approach.  We even have woolen Tee shirts that say "NO SWEAT" printed on them and all new paying members will get to wear one."

Memberships at EZ Fitness start at $89 for the 21 year old and younger crowd while older and heavy sweaters can expect to pay $199 for a six month membership.  EZ Fitness hours are 9:30 A.M. to 3 P.M. Tuesday thru Friday.  Closed weekends and Mondays.   CHANNEL 1 NEWS hopes to report more about this amazing business as testimonials become available.





Sunday, September 8, 2013

POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP FINALS TO BE HELD IN BRIDGEPORT

AFTER TEN DAYS OF LATE NIGHT MEETINGS IN LAS VEGAS, MAYOR NEGOTIATES AND LANDS WHAT HE IS  CALLING "THE BIG ONE!"  HE PROMISES THE UPCOMING HOLIDAYS WILL BE VERY VERY MOVING... 

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.



Mayor Ben Dover was all "thumbs up"
to busing in pole dancers.
Mayor Ben Dover announced today he has secured the rights to have Bridgeport host the 2013 Amateur Pole Dancing Championships.  The two day event will take place on December 30 & 31 in the newly remodeled Firehouse Lounge and Bowling Alley, with the winner  being crowned at midnight on New Years Eve.
 The Mayor, speaking at a breakfast meeting this morning, told the small crowd gathered to protest his corrupt administration and wasteful spending, the Pole Dancing event will bring much needed revenue to the city as well as bus loads of Pole dancers.  


These are the type of Pole dancers
Mayor Dover had hoped to bring to Bridgeport.
In the crowd, Mayor Dover's harshest critic, City Attorney Pat McGroin was quick to point out the bus loads of dancers were not Polish dancers, as the Mayor would have us believe.  "No, these are female pole dancers from bars and strip clubs across the country.  Bridgeport will be a hotbed of lust and lewdness!" he cried, causing many older ladies in the crowd to shake their fists.  The Mayor was then hurriedly escorted out a rear door to his waiting limo.  
CHANNEL 1 NEWS caught up to the Mayor later as he played a morning round of golf.  "I can understand my critic's anger," he said as he sunk a putt on green three.  "I was led to believe the Polish citizens of our country held a huge Polka fest each year and I thought why not try to steer it to Bridgeport.  I mean, who has more fun than Poles dancing?  If I'd known it was pole dancing  like you know, strippers with a fireman's pole, I would have walked away."

Champion Pole Dancer Suzy
Silickski is excited to attend
Bridgeport's tournament. She is
a Polish pole dancer from Chicago.
 

Asked how much bringing this event to Bridgeport would cost, the Mayor shrugged and said the figures hadn't been tallied yet.  Meanwhile at City Hall, City Attorney McGroin promised to draw up papers that would undo the Mayor's commitment to the Pole Dancers of America or PDA. "Bringing strippers into our newly remodeled firehouse to use the new poles would be a travesty," he said shaking his head.  "Turning it into a bar and bowling alley was one thing, but this takes it too far!"
The upcoming city meeting is sure to lead to a further spilt in city government.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there from gavel to gavel.








Tuesday, September 3, 2013

BREAKING NEWS !! ELVIS PRESLEY IS ALIVE AND CARING FOR HIS FREAK CLONE

THERE IS LATE BREAKING NEWS OUT OF MEXICO TODAY OF A 1975 CLONING OF ELVIS THAT WENT TERRIBLY WRONG, LEADING ELVIS TO FAKE HIS OWN DEATH....

TIJUANA, Mexico


Elvis as he looks today.Looking up
at the man that found him, he said,
 "Thank you, "Thank you very much!"
Felli Miboni, a faithful fan and follower of Elvis Presley miraculously stumbled into the king's secret hide-a-way in Tijuana late last night. There in a nearly darkened room he found an elderly gentleman sitting next to a bed, where a younger looking version of the old man lay with his legs shaking.  Upon looking closely at the old man's face, he realized the elderly man was the very man he had worshiped for many years, Elvis Presley. 

"I had found the King!" he cried in a telephone conversation with CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor. "He was much older, but when he smiled up at me, I knew, I knew it was him."  But then when Elvis lit a candle, Miboni got a better look at the shocking figure in the bed and he lost his appetite.  There lying in the bed was a younger looking clone of Elvis,  a clone that had grown terribly wrong, an Elvis with two heads fused together sitting atop a single body, in a white jump suit.  The figure laying there had two noses, two mouths, and three eyes.


This billboard on a Tijuana backstreet, shows the
cloned Elvis.  The clone had his own wallpaper business.
"When the cloned Elvis would speak, he spoke with words alternating from each mouth." Miboni explained, "He looked at me and said, Too Much Man, the 'Too much' coming out of his left mouth and then the 'Man', coming out of the other mouth, it was freaky."
Over the course of the next few hours, Miboni was able to get the story of a lifetime which he shared with Dave Taylor.  Following is a condensed version of that story;


In 1975 Elvis agreed to be cloned to preserve himself for future generations as well as help service some of the women that were constantly swarming around him.  "Man, this is too much for one cat, I need a clone or something!" he told his manager, Col. Tim Parker.  Parker arranged for a cloning doctor to come in and draw the necessary blood samples and within a month, there was a "baby" Elvis squirming in a petri dish.  Six months later, he was heart broken to learn the clone was not growing as it should. Some how it had gotten all shook up. It had two heads fused together on one body.  The news caused Elvis to take drastic measures.  He faked his own death and took his little clone to Mexico, where they have lived together since.  To make a living, Elvis and his clone started a wallpapering business.  At night Elvis taught his clone how to sing and the word on the street was that the cloned Elvis could blend his two voices together and harmonize like no other.As Miboni was to bring Elvis and his clone back to the United States, Elvis got a suspicious mind and fled with his two headed clone, going under cover once more.
Miboni returned home alone, carrying with him the pictures in this story and enough memories to last a life time. Hopefully Elvis will surface again soon.   When he does, CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there....

Monday, September 2, 2013

MAN LOSES VIDEO CAM TRYING TO RECORD SELF CLEANING OVEN

THE CHARRED REMAINS OF AN EXPENSIVE VIDEO CAMERA PLACED INSIDE A SELF-CLEANING OVEN, LEAVES MAN DUMBFOUNDED AND HIS MOTHER FUMMING

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


This was all that was left of a video cam
 placed inside the oven to record the cleaning
    process.
A would be scientific research idea gone wrong, left a Bridgeport man staring in disbelief at his mother's new cooking range with it's self-cleaning oven.  Derrick Duhh, 25, had hoped to capture for the first time ever, an oven cleaning itself.  Duhh, who lives with his mother, had marveled at the way the oven could be set to "self-clean" and in just a matter of hours, a heavily soiled oven could look spotless without any rubbing, scrubbing, or solvents.  He was intrigued about how the "self-cleaning" process worked so he decided to find out by placing his mothers video cam inside the oven and recording the event.  He had visions of putting the recorded event on YouTube and impressing not only his mother, but a neighbor girl. 
Derrick Duhh of Bridgeport checks on his video
experiment gone awry.  "I'm dumbfounded" is all
he could say.
On Sunday while his mother was in church, Duhh placed the video cam on the floor of the oven and began the self-cleaning process.  As the oven approached self cleaning temperatures, Duhh ran a few errands and returned home later to an odd smell in the house.  Reaching the kitchen, he immediately opened the oven door and to his shock and awe, saw the bubbling remains of the video cam on the deck of the cooling oven.  To make matters worse, his mother returned home from church and came running to the kitchen to investigate his sobbing.  Unable to tell what she was seeing in the oven, he explained what had happened.  She was speechless to say the least.  
As the Duhhs now must shop for a new video cam, Derrick has promised to stay out of the kitchen.  In a brief telephone interview with CHANNEL 1 NEWS, he said he was still mesmerized by the self cleaning aspect of range ovens and plans to conduct further research when he gets his own place, much to the  approval of his mother.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there.