Thursday, October 31, 2013

NEW STUDY SHOWS CHANNEL 1 NEWS IS THE MOST POPULAR NEWS SOURCE IN KANSAS

THREE OUT OF FIVE BETWEEN THE AGES OF ELEVEN AND THIRTY NINE LOOK TO DAVE TAYLOR FOR THEIR NEWS

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

Dorothy (if she were a real person) of Wizard of Oz fame, would have been an avid follower of Dave Taylor (yes he is real) and CHANNEL 1 NEWS, because she falls between the age of eleven and thirty-nine.  Because of the latest study, facts are telling the news source that instead of "we're not in Kansas any more!" it is, "Hey, we're now in Kansas more!"

Dorothy, Tin Man, and the Scarecrow
would have been avid followers of
Channel 1 News had they really lived.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS, based in Bridgeport, Mn. learned this surprising news on a midnight conference call with WEELY BIG NEWS, (WBN) a polling company based on the Japanese island of Shitzky.  WBN president Yu Gooyanfat called CHANNEL 1 NEWS just after midnight to report their findings of the new found popularity. 
WBN's study also found that the Tin Man and Scare Crow also would have been avid followers.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS Senior analyst and anchorman Dave Taylor told his colleagues not to get a big head just yet, reminding them of a similar report last May from the creator of SpongeBob, Stephan Hillenburg.  That report told of the popularity of CHANNEL 1 NEWS in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom.
"Until these latest findings can be verified, we will move forward slowly." Taylor told the giddy board members.
Time will tell.



Wednesday, October 30, 2013

BRIDGEPORT TO GO ALL OUT FOR HALLOWEEN

AFTER MONTHS OF INDECISION, CITY LEADERS DECIDE TO MAKE HALLOWEEN THE GATEWAY TO THE THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


Milk chocolate hand guns, bullets and
hand grenades will be given out during
the parade.
Mayor Ben Dover got his way once again, convincing the city council to declare Halloween, a city holiday. All government offices will be closed and downtown streets will be closed to traffic in preparation for a huge parade.  There will be a costume contest, a pumpkin carving contest, and a beer chugging competition, for the adults and free candy guns and grenades for the kids. 


Mayor Dover at last year's parade with
the winners of the best float contest.
The festivities begin tomorrow at 7 A.M. with a beer breakfast at Grandpa's Tap in lower town.  Free raw eggs and beer to the first 100 patrons will be followed by registration for the kick boxing  tournament for beginners.  The mayor will give a short speech about his upcoming business trip to Cancun in hopes of landing a trade agreement with that city and then he will declare the rules and the route for this years parade.  As the parade judge from last year, he hopes to encourage more entries this year by offering a free turkey dinner to each float team. 
CHANNEL 1 NEWS talked to the Mayor about the importance of this Halloween celebration and how it would lead into Friday.  "We hope to draw a huge crowd into town for Halloween," Dover said.  "After the fun and excitement of a parade and all, we will kick off the Thanksgiving Day holiday season at midnight.  The grocery stores will all be open and they will be selling turkeys really cheap!  To top that off, the bars will stay open all night!  This will give the public a real head-start on Thanksgiving and the Bridgeport economy will get a much needed shot in the tush."

Senior editor and reporter Dave Taylor has been asked to be the Grand Marshall of the parade and is looking forward to riding in a parade float.  His report will be published this weekend. 



Monday, October 7, 2013

BRIDGEPORT CITY OFFICES ARE CLOSED DUE TO SHUTDOWN

AS FEARED ALL CITY OFFICES ARE SHUT AND ALL CITY EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN FURLOUGHED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.  LACK OF GARBAGE PICKUP IS CAUSING A BIG STINK.  MAYOR HOPES TO REACH AN AGREEMENT WITH CITY COUNCIL BEFORE NEXT WEEK

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.

As first reported last Wednesday, city politics in Bridegport has hit a new low.  All employees have been sent home, offices locked, and city services have stopped.  Following the lead of the national shutdown, Mayor Ben Dover and his bickering counterparts on the city council have agreed to not agree on anything.  Only the police department is still operating due to a special decree issued by Mayor Dover.  The Police also act as body guards for the Mayor in times of turmoil. 

With city services shut down, scenes
like this one are all over the city. In
this picture the police guard against
garbage looting.
As expected, the biggest complaint so far is the lack of garbage pick-up.  Garbage workers were the first furloughed, as they are unionized and collect the largest salaries.  With garbage already beginning to accumulate in the streets, residents are seeing rats and other rodents running about, prompting calls to 911.  The Mayor promised reduced extermination pricing during the shut down, noting that his brother Tip, owns an extermination company over in Ballsey County.  "I've already talked to Tip and he's ready to come in here and exterminate these critters," the Mayor told CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "He will give the city a 30% discount." 
At City Hall, city council members are crying fowl to this sort of an arrangement.  "Hiring your family to come in and provide a costly service, even at a discount is unethical." said Councilwoman  Marilee Krupt.  As noted in an earlier story, Krupt, Bangfer Yerbuk, and Iken Doolittle have filed papers to run against the Mayor in the upcoming elections.  Local pundits are saying this was the beginning of the current flap resulting in the shutdown. 
The Mayor and City Council will meet again this coming weekend as they gather for a scheduled ground breaking event for a new bowling alley and entertainment parlor.  "When ever we get together in one place, there is hope." the Mayor said via telephone.   CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there also and hopefully an agreement to end the shutdown will come to pass.





Sunday, October 6, 2013

MAN LOSES MEMORY SLEEPING ON MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS

FAMILY OF MAN WHO LOST HIS MEMORY AFTER SLEEPING ON A MEMORY FOAM MATTRESS PLANS TO SUE.  MATTRESS HAS BEEN SEIZED BY SHERIFF'S OFFICE AS EVIDENCE.

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Mitch Wallace can't remember anything
after sleeping on a memory foam mattress.
Members of a Bridgeport family have had nothing but sleepless nights since their brother woke up last Thursday without any memories.  After a short investigation, it was discovered that he had slept on a new memory foam mattress and somehow his memory had been drawn from him. 
Mitch Wallace, 40, a trampoline designer and inspector from Bridgeport bragged to his neighbors last Wednesday that he had just bought a new memory foam mattress.  On Thursday morning he didn't even know who his neighbors were. 

In one of the most mysterious cases of amnesia to date, this case is very troubling to local authorities on many fronts.  Sheriff Holden Butts had his deputies confiscate the white harmless looking mattress along with the pillows just in case what some were saying was true. 

Trixy Love, owner of the Dream Sleeper
Mattress Barn shown here on one of her
best selling mattresses.
The Dream Sleeper Mattress Barn of Bridgeport stands by its memory foam mattress, saying the accusations are ridiculous.  As for Mitch, who graduated 15th in his class, his wife says he can't even remember where her "meow" is.  She plans to sue for alienation of affection.
Mean while Mayor Ben Dover told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "I've got friends that work at the Dream Sleeper Mattress Barn, so I can't take sides, but I've know Trixy Love the owner and she knows her mattresses."
Wallace will be kept in a special wing of the hospital until it can be determined he is not a risk to himself or others.  The mattress has been placed on the floor at the county jail.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story and report any updates.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

BRIDGEPORT BRACES FOR CITY GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN

FOLLOWING IN THE SHADOW OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, BRIDGEPORT MAYOR IS AT ODDS WITH THE CITY COUNCIL

BRIDGEPORT, Mn.


Many in the angry group at City Hall
last evening to protest the failed garbage
pick-up, wore gas masks to make
 their point. "My street stinks!" yelled
on protester.
Just as the federal governmental shutdown is beginning to take hold, local residents of Bridgeport learned they may be in for a double whammy.  The city government may be shut down until the Mayor and City Council can come to terms over the upcoming mayoral race.
Mayor Ben Dover dispensed this news to an angry group outside of city hall last evening, that had gathered to attend a scheduled city council meeting to protest failed garbage pickup.  After learning the meeting had been called off due to a computer glitch, the group started shouting obscenities outside the mayor's office window, prompting the mayor to come outside to address them.

CHANNEL 1 NEWS learned from a source close to the Mayor, that Mayor Dover is not happy with some in the council planning to run against him in the upcoming election.  He has deleted many of the city records, prompting a lay off of city workers.  When confronted with this, the Mayor denied it, but said until things could be worked out, all city services would be on hold.


Councilman Iken Doolittle hopes to
work out the garbage pick-up problem
before things get really sour.
City Councilman Iken Doolittle, when reached at his home, was dumbfounded.  "This is why I'm running against him," he said.  "I'll give the citizens the kind of leadership they crave.  Hopefully we can keep the city services open while we work through this.  I'm off until Monday and then I'll call the Mayor and ask for a meeting."

CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this latest story and report any updates.