Tuesday, December 31, 2013

CITY COUNCIL VOTES TO EXTEND 2013 BY ONE DAY

UNPRECEDENTED MOVE HAS SOME WONDERING IF THIS COUNCIL HASN'T LOST TOUCH WITH REALITY...

BRIDGEPORT

In a last ditch effort to correct a planning mistake in this years city plan, Mayor Ben Dover called a special meeting last night at the Pickled Factory on Main St. in uptown Bridgeport.  All council members were present or accounted for including Iken Doolittle, who ran against the mayor in the election this year.
Mayor Dover getting some pool time while
in Mexico for Christmas.
By chance on Sunday December 29th, City Planning Secretary Ella Vader noticed a glitch in the city's public affairs website.  The Bridgeport New Years Day parade had somehow been mistakenly scheduled for this Thursday, which is actually January 2, 2014. A frantic phone call was made to Mayor Dover, who was spending the holidays with friends in Mexico.  He immediately chartered a flight home to take charge of the situation.
After returning to Bridgeport yesterday, the mayor made a conference call with council members for some brain storming, which ended in silence.  He then called an emergency meeting to be held at the trendy bar uptown, the Pickled Factory.
After an exhausting debate, it was determined that the only remedy was to extend the year by one day or be sued by hundreds of people and companies scheduled to be in the city's biggest parade.  With an official date change all parties under contract would have to perform as contracted or face a lawsuit in the city's favor.
The lone dissenter in the vote,  city attorney Pat McGroin, said that by moving the date back one day might help the city in the short term, but to the outside world it would still be January 2 and everyone would be back to work that day, not watching a parade.  The vote to extend the year remained at 5 to 1.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be here no matter what date it is.  Happy New Year to all!!


Monday, December 23, 2013

CHRISTMAS PARADE TO BE SIMULCAST DUE TO BUDGET RESTRAINTS

BRIDGEPORT'S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARADE WILL NOT BE PRESENTED THIS YEAR DUE TO A SHORTFALL IN THE CITY BUDGET.  INSTEAD A PARADE THAT TAKES PLACE IN CHINA WILL BE SIMULCAST ON THE MOVIE SCREEN OF THE BRIDGEPORT MULTIPLEX.

BRIDGEPORT

City officials signed a contract late Saturday night with ParadesRUs for the rights to show a huge Chinese Christmas like parade as it happens, on the Imax screen at the local multiplex. Due to the time difference, parade watchers should be at the theater Wednesday morning by 2:45 A.M. to catch the start of the parade at 3 A.M. local time.
Chinese parades are fun to watch on the big screen. There
are lots of dragons and people running around screaming.


Mayor Ben Dover was on hand to help finalize the contract with ParadesRUs.  "This is a great opportunity to watch a great Christmas like parade and save the city money at the same time!"  he exclaimed.  "And as an added bonus, we'll be inside where it is warm."  When asked if Santa would be in the parade, he replied, "No, he will be here at the multiplex handing out candy to the kids and schnapps to the parents!"
A small admission fee will be charged to watch the parade indoors.  For those that would rather watch it while standing out in the cold, theater manager, Kirk James promised to show a delayed broadcast on a screen erected in the parking lot.
Mayor Dover hopes this move saves the city enough money to put it back in the black before St. Patrick's Day.  "St. Pat's Day is special!" he said with a wink.  When asked if he had anything else to say before this story went to print, he nodded his head,  "Tell everyone Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"
It appears some things will never change in Bridgeport, at least not as long as Dover is Mayor.  Merry Christmas everyone.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

HYBRID CHRISTMAS TREE CONTINUES GROWING DESPITE BEING CUT

AS HE ASSESSES THE DAMAGES, UNSUSPECTING HOME OWNER CLAIMS HE WAS  PRESSURED INTO BUYING THE "SUPER" TREE ,  A LAW SUIT IS PENDING

BRIDGEPORT

Ward Kleaver, 45, of Bridgeport was awakened last night by a loud noise in his living room.
Getting up to investigate, he was shocked to find the family's decorated Christmas tree had pushed itself up and out trough the roof. Not knowing what was happening, he grabbed his wife and kids and fled the house.  Spending the night in the car outside, at daybreak he saw that the tree had grown and was now almost five feet above the roof.  He became filled with anguish, knowing he could not afford more tree decorations for the tree above the roof line.
The tree was purchased on Thursday from a company called TreesRUs, who claims all sales are final. TreesRUs lost its BBB rating in 2002, but continued to operate out of a semi-truck, moving from state to state.  Last year they lost a battle in court to sell their SuprApple tree which they claim produces watermelon sized apples.   This year they came back with the new super hybrid Christmas tree that has been grown with their "secret" chemicals.  
Kleaver said he was shopping for a regular Christmas tree, but the sales lady kept after him to "get a big one" which he says confused him.
TreesRUs salesperson
Suzy Whozzie sold the
tree to Kleaver.
"She whispered to me she'd get spanked by Santa, if she didn't sell a super tree,"  Kleaver told CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor. "And it didn't help matters that she was dressed like a cute little Santa's helper."

The City Attorney has promised to file charges against TreesRUs after the holidays.  In the mean time the Kleaver family will spend Christmas at home as usual, only this year with an unusual Christmas tree.

Friday, December 20, 2013

KETTLE COMPANY THINKS POT SHOULD BE LEGAL

AFTER BEING SUED BY ITS MAIN COMPETITOR,  LOCAL COOKWARE COMPANY IS IN COURT SEEKING HELP TO GET IT'S NEW MAGIC POT ON THE MARKET IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

BRIDGEPORT

The pot in question is black
and is electric powered.
Local pot and pan company Kettle Black is back in court once again after winning a decision last year giving it the right to call itself Kettle Black.  The plaintiff in that court case, Ultra Fried, had argued that Kettle couldn't call itself Black because black is too common a color of many, if not all pots and pans. In the end the court sided with Kettle and allowed it to call itself black, thus the company name.

Now Ultra Fried is back in court trying to win an injunction to halt Kettle Black from selling a new electric cooking pot they've named the Electro Magic Pot. Ultra Fried is accusing them of patient infringement and has asked the court to side with them in calling this pot illegal.

The judge who was given this case, the honorable Les Flyy, recused himself after admitting he had tried the pot and would have trouble ruling fairly.  Finding a new judge before Christmas who has not tried the pot may be difficult, as Christmas is right around the corner.
District  Judge Les Flyy in a college
party photo, recused himself after
admitting he had tried the pot in question.
Ultra Fry hopes to keep the pot off the street for as long as possible, but realizes that the popularity of the pot in its own test kitchen, has them thinking they may be fighting a losing battle.   Dave Taylor will follow this story wherever it takes him and report back.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

SUICIDE ATTEMPT BY JUMPING OUT APARTMENT WINDOW PUTS WOMAN IN HOSPITAL

LIVING IN A BASEMENT APARTMENT MOST LIKELY SAVED HER LIFE. EXPERTS SAY IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP WHILE OTHERS SAY SHE SUFFERS FROM MIXUPEIA, A DISORDER WHERE THE PERSON AFFECTED, CAN NOT TELL UP FROM DOWN


BRIDGEPORT

Wendy Daay is now resting at BGH
Wendy Daay, 36  was taken Friday to Bridgeport General Hospital and treated for bumps and bruises she suffered in a suicide attempt jumping out her basement bedroom window.  Upon learning she will recover, her family was giving each other high fives.
The following account of what happened was given by her sister, Sonny.
Wendy had broken up with her boyfriend of ten years a little over two years ago and after struggling with mood swings and long bouts of day dreaming, she managed to pull herself together. Then last week from out of the blue, her boyfriend contacted her and told her he had been wrong and was coming back.  It was more than she could take.  She started clicking her teeth, snapping her fingers, and whistling a lot.  I should have known something was up. On Friday while I went out to shop for some scouring powder, she wrote a quick suicide note, opened the window and jumped.  I came home and heard her moaning and found her 'lying in the window well. An ambulance was called and Daay was soon on her way to the hospital.
Police were given the suicide note and although it's contents were not made public, Officer Dexter Roaddosky spoke to CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Dave Taylor and under condition of anonymity divulged that the boyfriend, Roger Pederstead admitted to calling Daay, but said it was only a joke, he is not coming back. He was not charged.
Doctors say that Daay will most likely be released tomorrow under the supervision of her sister.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

MAN DANCING HIMSELF TO DEATH

WHILE HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS PLEAD FOR HIM TO STOP, MAN CONTINUES WITH  QUEST TO END HIS LIFE DANCING HIMSELF TO DEATH

BRIDGEPORT

Lefty Foot in his 46th hour
of continuous dancing.
The young wife of Lefty Foot blames his parents.  Thirty years ago Hugo and Emma Foot brought twin boys into the world and named them Left and Right.  Right Foot died of an athletes disease as a baby.  Left or Lefty as he was called, survived and grew up in fear of fungus. With a name like Left Foot, he spent his childhood as a loner.   At twenty-five he met Idarya Sucklebun at a football rally and they were married two months later. 
"I can understand how he feels," Mrs. Foot said. "As a married couple, when people see us come into a room they don't say, here comes the Foots, it's, here comes the Feet. It's awful!" 
Last Friday Foot had had enough.  The jokes and innuendos about his name caused him to take negative action. According to his wife, after watching  a video of "Saturday Night Fever" something in him snapped.  He got up off the sofa and went immediately into the bedroom. He came out a few minutes later in his dancing clothes.  He kissed his wife and started dancing.  He hasn't stopped since. He danced out the door, down the street, and into  the nearest dance lounge.  
Monday morning found Foot still dancing inside the Caribou Club.  The club owner agreed to keep the doors open at the insistence of Mrs. Foot who continues to plead for her husband to stop.  Local officials were called, as well as a medical team to monitor Foot.  One doctor told CHANNEL 1 NEWS,  this may be the first documented case of Boogie Fever.
Foot has been communicating with those around him and expressed sorrow that he was putting them through his "dance of death", but it was all about the beat. A film crew has been called in to document the event as Tweets, and comments are starting to pour in from around the world.  One particular Tweet from John Travolta, wished him well.  
A representative of the Guinness Brothers Books of Records, told reporters that if Foot succeeds in dancing himself to death, he will start a new category and hold the record.  Not what his wife wanted to hear.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story until the music stops.

Monday, December 16, 2013

EVERYTHING ELVIS RETAIL STORE TO OPEN IN BRIDGEPORT

HOPING TO CASH IN ON THE LATE LEGEND'S ONGOING POPULARITY,  A FRANCHISEE OF WALMART IS BRINGING AN EVERYTHING ELVIS DEPARTMENT STORE TO TOWN

BRIDGEPORT

Does Elvis still stir up excitement after his death in 1977?  The franchise owners of Everything Elvis think so and with people already lining up to be the first ones in the new store when it opens in January, they feel they have made a safe bet.
Franchise owners Erlina and Elwood Wolfgang of Paris, Kentucky, both acknowledge that Elvis Presley died before they were born, but after watching every movie he ever made three times, they feel they know him better than anyone else.  "He would want this," Mr. Wolfgang
told reporters as he snarled his upper lip. "I mean he was the King!"
The Wolfgangs were in town to finalize leasing the old Kmart building, which has been empty for ten years.  They hope to start moving Elvis merchandise into the building before Christmas depending on the availability of Budget Truck Rentals.
Customers started lining up for Everything Elvis to
open in January. 
Everything Elvis will carry everything from Elvis toothbrushes, to Elvis underwear.  Looking for that hard to find Elvis phone booth?  You'll find one at Everything Elvis.  How about a white jump suit?  Not a problem at Everything Elvis.  The owners promise that shoppers won't be disappointed and  the first 50  people opening up a Everything Elvis charge account, will receive an Elvis tattoo and a bottle of Elvis vitamins.  They will also get their picture taken with an Elvis impersonator.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will be there to cover this highly anticipated event.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

BRIDGEPORT SETS RECORD WITH TWO FEET OF SNOW


LOCAL RESIDENTS WOKE UP TO TWO FEET OF SNOW ON THE SIDEWALK DOWNTOWN.  METEOROLOGISTS ARE SCRAMBLING TO EXPLAIN IT AS LOCAL CLERGY SAY IT IS AN OMEN

BRIDGEPORT
 

 

Early morning snow shovelers were shocked to find two feet of snow waiting for them this morning.  The five foot tall feet, were estimated to be a size 54 EEEE.
A podiatrist, Dr. Keisa Miassa from the Bridgeport General Clinic was called in when damage was spotted on toes of  the left foot.  "It appears to be frostbite," she said kneeling down to get a better look, "And all the toenails are missing."  She started shivering and was whisked away to a heated tent.
As meteorologist stood scratching their heads a local minister, the Reverend Peter Paul Mark John Boy declared the ten toes on the frozen feet signified ten reasons to repent before temperatures rise.
When asked to explain, he replied, "Once the temperature rises, one's chance to repent will go down the drain."  He had to be taken away from the feet against his will.
Bridgeport Mayor, Ben Dover wants the feet moved into a meat locker where they can be preserved and then put on public display in next year's 4th of July parade.  City Attorney Pat McGroin, an avid critic of the Mayor, expressed suspicions for this plan, pointing out the Mayor's recent battle with a foot fetish condition.  "And who would foot the bill for the locker rental?" McGroin asked.

As of last report, the two men were heard bickering about the fate of the feet as the feet began to shrink.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will keep a leg up on this story and report any and all new developments.


 

 
 
 


Monday, December 2, 2013

MEDICAL MALL PLUS TO OPEN IN BRIDGEPORT

CITY OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE THE FIRST OF ITS KIND MEDICAL OUTLET MALL WILL BE BUILT NEXT SPRING NEXT TO THE KMART COMPLEX ON HIGHWAY 44.  THE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND GROUND BREAKING IS APRIL FIRST.

BRIDGEPORT

An artist rendition of the Medical Mall courtyard
Last nights city council meeting trumped all others as Mayor Ben Dover stood proudly in front of the news media and announced his latest triumph.  "What was once just my  vision, will soon be a reality for the city of Bridgeport!" he proclaimed.  After pausing and wiping a tear from his eye, he broke the news of a new three million dollar medical facility project. "In an effort to make certain medical procedures easier to obtain in a shopper friendly atmosphere,  I have made an agreement with Healthy Town Incorporated to build a new mall in Bridgeport."  Details of the agreement were not made public, but the concept of the mall was.
All in all, there will be about twenty outlets within a large building all situated around a public courtyard.  Here is a list of just some of the  "merchants" coming to the new mall:

Discount Vasectomy....A family run business, "We undercut the competition!"
Midwives Inc.  Helping women have babies the old fashion way. "We pull for you, you push for us."
Right Size Dildo, Your money back if not satisfied.  "Come in for the perfect fit."
Masters of Podiatry, "We expose secrets between your toes" You'll get a kick out of our service!
Tooth Extractors-R-Us, "Teeth removed while you wait" Ask about our discount false dentures.
Boils Away,  "The pain stops here, let us relieve your pressure"
Pimples & Dimples, "We aim to squeeze and please!"
Enema Zone,  "Let our flush make you blush!" Refer a friend and get a discount on your next visit.
Comfort Colostomy, Our friendly staff knows what to do. "If you feel it, it's free!" Walk-ins welcome. 
Vagina's Secret...Vaginal Exams while you sleep. Come in, put your feet up and relax..."We wake you when it's over!"
1st National Sperm Bank...Earn money helping others. "Feel good about yourself!" Must be at least 18.

There will also be a twelve screen movie theater as well as a national Dutch supermarket within the complex.  Mayor Dover hopes to also get a McDonald's or Wendys in the mall courtyard.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story and keep our readers and viewers updated as it happens.