Friday, December 5, 2014

NEW FOOD SENSATION SET TO COMPETE WITH SUSHI

NYOO QAIB WILL SOON BE INTRODUCED TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IN HOPES OF CASHING IN ON THE AMERICAN HUNGER FOR RAW SUSHI LIKE DELICACIES

BRIDGE PORT
Nyoo Qaib and Red Potato Peel 

A local Bridge Port restaurant has put all it's eggs in a basket, so to speak and will introduce it's customers to Nyoo Qaib tomorrow night.  Ace's Delicacies Dinner Club on Main St. will be serving Nyoo Qaib (Raw Chicken) with raw red potato peelings from 7 P.M. til close.  Ace's hopes to cash in on the Sushi craze by serving up raw food.
"So far," Ace told reporters, "Only a couple of our prep cooks have gotten ill after sampling this delicacy. We think it takes some getting use to."  Ace's will have a doctor on call in case any of their customers require a pumped stomach. 
Prep cook, Ed Dee "lost" his Nyoo Qaib
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be on hand when  the doors to the restaurant open. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER FINALLY OUT OF HOSPITAL

BRONCO BILLY MALONE, RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL EIGHT MONTHS AFTER BEING INJURED IN HISTORIC FOOTBALL GAME

BRIDGE PORT

Bronco Billy, wearing the yellow helmet
If you recall, Bronco Billy was the star quarterback of the semi pro Bridge Port Porkers, who boasted he was so good he didn't need the rest of the team.  (See original story in the OFF THE WALL news from April 8, 2014)  His opponents for the game, in which he was savagely defeated, the Newburg Bloody Hawks, quickly put an end to Bronco's "one man team".   The opening kick-off turned out to be the last play of the game, as Bronco Billy ran the kick-off out of the end zone and was immediately  gang tackled by the crazed Bloody Hawks.

After what turned out to be a five minute TV commercial break,  the officials were able to untangle the players and found a crushed Bronco Billy laying at the bottom of the pile.  He was quickly rushed to Bridge Port General Hospital and the game was declared to be over.  This move caused the stadium crowd, said to be numbered in the  thousands to become irate, booing and throwing beer bottles on the field.  Order was finally regained when a Tom Jones impersonator took the field and began singing "What's New Pussycat".

Sadly Bronco Billy Malone spent the first seven hours in the lobby of the hospital while his insurance company asked questions about his injuries.  The next five months he spent in the ICU before being moved to a room near the hospital morgue.  "He was near death" an RN told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "So he was kept close to the morgue."  
Bronco Billy after five months in the hospital

On Monday he was well enough to be released and he left the hospital on crutches, vowing to get back on the football field to avenge his defeat.  
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there if and when he does.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

VIOLENT PROTESTS BREAK OUT OVER THANKSGIVING DATE CHANGE

TURKEY FARMERS REVOLT, RELEASING HUNDREDS OF TURKEYS INTO THE STREETS OF BRIDGE PORT

BRIDGE PORT

Members of the Bridge Port city council had no idea what sort of chaos they were igniting yesterday, when they voted to move the Thanksgiving holiday to December 20th.  (See OFF THE WALL story dated 11/26/14)  Turkey farmers were one of the first groups to protest when they learned they would have to continue raising their turkeys almost another month.

Turkeys are everywhere!
"My birds are ready now!" shouted Shitzer Brownstool, a Bridge Port turkey rancher, before setting a truck load of the heavy birds free on the edge of town.  "The cost for me to continue feeding these birds another three weeks will cost me any profit I hoped to make.  I my as well let them go free today!"

Shoppers and Thanksgiving celebrants clash
Elsewhere in the city police and firemen were called out to restore peace and extinguish fires set in the street by rowdy Thanksgiving revelers, who were being heckled by early shoppers, out looking for super early deals.  "I've never seen anything like this!" said Maudin Heavan, 68, of Bridge Port, "except maybe last year, only not as bad."

OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to reach the Mayor, who is vacationing in the Bahamas.  He refused to answer any questions, stating it was a holiday. 
If you are celebrating Thanksgiving where you are, have a safe and wonderful day, from all of us here at OFF THE WALL NEWS.


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

CITY HOPES TO REMEDY SHOPPING WOES, MOVES THANKSGIVING TO DECEMBER!

WITH STORES OPENING EARLIER ON BLACK FRIDAY, SOME EVEN OPENING ON THANKSGIVING DAY, BRIDGE PORT IS MOVING THANKSGIVING TO DECEMBER 20TH, MAKING THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS ONE HUGE HOLIDAY CELEBRATION!

BRIDGE PORT

The city council announced last evening, the city of Bridge Port has voted to move the Thanksgiving holiday to December 20th.  In doing so shoppers can shop til they drop without guilt all day Thursday and Friday.  Local merchants are calling this a gift from the Gods, while many others are calling it a dark day for humanity. 
Frenzied shoppers shopped til they dropped last Thanksgiving 
Barney Fife (no relation to the TV character), President of the local Chamber of Commerce, applauded the decision."With stores opening earlier, with some now on Thanksgiving day itself and the fiasco it is causing, moving Thanksgiving to December 20th is the right move," he wrote on his Facebook page. 

          Thawed turkey creates stress          
Others were quick to disagree.  Bea Hinds, 70, of Bridge Port called it a devilish plot to destroy giving thanks and building family ties.  "And to make matters worse, I already thawed out the turkey," she told OFF THE WALL NEWS, while holding a quivering hand to her face.

Bob Upp, 43, of New York City expressed a different concern,  "I bought my airline ticket a month ago and will be flying into Bridge Port on Wednesday night. for what?  Now that they moved the holiday, my family will not be celebrating and plan to be out of town! I'll be all alone.  I'm somewhat P O'd!"
He was told by his airline, to look at the bright side.  He could now fly in on the 19th of December and celebrate two holidays for the price of one flight. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this change of the holiday and see what the federal government will do, if anything, as it is a federal holiday.  "They haven't done anything all year long." Mayor Ben Dover said at a local pub.  "I doubt they will do anything about this.  Happy holidays and happy shopping to all!"

Friday, November 21, 2014

LARGE AGRESSIVE WINTER MOSQUITO SIGHTED IN MINNESOTA


JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO OUTSIDE AT DUSK,  A HARDY RARE WINTER MOSQUITO HAS HATCHED, ONE WITH EXPOSED "PARTS"....

BRIDGE PORT

Winter mosquito shown with "testicles"



Minnesota has long been known for it's mosquito population during the Summer months.  They are somewhat larger than their cousins in many of the lower forty-eight states and in most cases, more aggressive.
Most mosquitoes die during the first frost, leaving behind eggs that will hatch in the warm wet Spring.  This year appears to be different.
Wilbur Ding, 49, of Bridge Port told OFF THE WALL NEWS he was shoveling snow from his sidewalk last evening and uncovered a frozen hollow log.  He went to pick up the log and heard a buzzing sound coming from inside the log.  In the next seconds two large mosquitoes emerged and immediately attacked Ding leaving welts on his face before flying off gorged with his blood. "One of them was definitely a male," he said.  When asked how he knew, he blushed and answered, "That guy had a pair, visible to the naked eye!" 
Wilbur Ding survived mosquito attack

Ding was treated by his wife before catching a plane to Cancun where he sent OFF THE WALL NEWS a thumbs up picture.  Authorities in Bridge Port are warning people to cover up any exposed skin when venturing out doors.  "These hearty mosquitoes mean business!" Mayor Ben Dover said in a safety message to snow lovers.  Local insect police have been put on alert.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

NEW STRAIN OF FLU ATTACKS THE FACE, CAUSING SOME TO SEEK EXORCISMS

FLU STRAIN Hp77 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS TO HUMANS WITH FAT CHEEKS AND ACCORDING TO CATHOLIC CHARITIES MAY JUST START THE NEXT EXORCISM BOOM...

BRIDGE PORT

Buster Dowwn woke up feeling strange.
The first thing Buster Dowwn, 29,  of Bridgeport wanted to do upon seeing himself in the mirror yesterday morning was call an Exorcist.  He was having sexual fantasies about space ships, speaking in a mock German language, wanting to vomit, and had soiled his sheets.  He was sure he was possessed until his mother assured him it was only the flu.  Two aspirin and a belly rub later, Dowwn was well enough to visit the Bridge Port County ER, where he was diagnosed with Hp77 or Rage Flu.

Rage Flu, given the name because of the facial distortions it sometimes causes, is believed to be brought on by under cooked pizza, that has been cut into squares.  This combined with fat cheeks, creates a breeding ground area for the virus to flourish.  Clinical studies have shown that certain people with fat cheeks who have eaten undercooked pizza often fall asleep within one to three hours of gorging themselves.  Brain activity is then monitored showing sharp increases in sexual fantasy dreams.  The heart rate increases to the point the face becomes distorted and the patient wets the bed.  It is at this point that some people fear the worst and summon an Exorcist.

Rage Flu usually runs it's course in just under three to eighteen days.  Although no cure is on the horizon any time soon, it is recommended to stay away from undercooked pizza, especially pizza that has been cut into squares instead of the traditional triangle pie shape.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

MAN DIES FROM MULTIPLE HICKEYS

POLICE WERE CALLED BY THE COUNTY CORONER AFTER NUMEROUS HICKEYS WERE DISCOVERED DURING AN AFTER DEATH  ROUTINE CHEST EX RAY....

Hickey's proved fatal for John Raw.
BRIDGEPORT

Johnstone Raw, 26, of Bridgeport died  last week from acute Hickisuckulitious, better known to the layman as a multiple hickeys.
Long thought to be a thing of the past, hickeys are making a comeback in a big way.   "Hickeys are the new tattoo for those that can't afford the tats," said Jean-Luc Debouillet, a noted French kisser. "I use to give the ladies one or two marks on the neck, now they want to be covered in them."

Raw was found dead in his bed with 79 hickeys, in the shape of a heart on his chest.  Suicide was quickly ruled out by local police.  Raw's last known girlfriend, Betty Lickus, was in France learning how to French kiss and was also ruled out as a suspect.

Upon further investigation, OFF THE WALL learned the victim also had multiple hickeys on each of his buttocks.  Investigative officer, Lance Boyal, was quick to agree with reporters that this sort of crime "sucks".

Raw was laid to rest yesterday amid baskets and vases of Tulips.  Anyone with information about this cruel crime is asked to come forward or call 1-HIC-KEYS.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the cows come home.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

FORMER ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED, CHARGED WITH BATTERY

BUNNY'S WIFE WAS STUNNED AT THE  SHOCKING NEWS THAT JOLTED THE WHOLE COMMUNITY....

BRIDGEPORT

It was a dark day yesterday for the former Energizer Bunny as he was thrown into jail after being charged with battery.  Official word has it that local police suspected he had a buzz on when he stuck a drum stick into an electrical socket, shorting out the lights at City Hall.  When police tried to stop him for questioning, he ran.
"I ordered him to stop!" exclaimed Officer Dick, "but he just kept going and going!"  He finally ran out of juice and was apprehended near the corner of Watt Drive and Plug Avenue.
Bunny's wife, Easter was shocked at the news and hopes he finally learns his lesson in circuit court.  She's hoping the judge will take "that damned drum" away for good.  OFF THE WALL will follow this story until the circuit court trial is over.  If he is cleared of the current charge, he may be recharged for failure to stop for a policeman.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

FORMER DOLL BARBIE IS DOGGING IT UP IN RETIREMENT!

AFTER DIVORCING KEN TWICE,  EXPLORING LESBIAN LIKE URGES, NUMEROUS WEIGHT LOSS DIETS, AND  PLAYBOY'S CENTERFOLD REJECTION BEHIND HER, BARBIE IS TURNING 50 WITHOUT REGRETS AND LOOKS FORWARD TO FINDING THE PERFECT HOT DOG EATING EXPERIENCE


BRIDGEPORT

Barbie was in Bridgeport looking for the perfect tasting hot dog.
The worlds most famous doll, Barbie, is turning 50 this year and has opted for early retirement.   While her former likeness can still be found on store shelves world wide, her petite and youthful features frozen in time, the living, breathing person the doll was modeled after, was in Bridgeport over the weekend searching for the perfect hot dog.

"I'm having the time of my life!" she told a waiter at Bong's Hot Dog Emporium in Bridgeport. "Deep down, I've always wanted to be 50, I've always wanted to be 50 and be able to gorge myself on hot dogs!"
Barbie and her entourage of a facial make up artist,a stunt double, and her personal chef  arrived in town Friday night and were spotted at a brat feed where Barbie was signing autographs. Since retiring, earlier this year Barbie came out of the hot dog closet and confessed on live TV that she is consuming up to a dozen and a half dogs every two days.  "Maybe its the nitrates, I don't know," she told OFF THE WALL news, "but give me a plumper with all the fixings and I'll show you how to bark!"  She admits, she hasn't found the perfect hot dog yet, but she's close.  When not eating hot dogs, she spends her waking hours lying in bed resting up.
Tuesday she is headlining a bratwurst eating contest in Chicago.  OFF THE WALL news will be there to the last bite.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

EXPERTS CONCLUDE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A 'PRETTY GOOD' ALLIGATOR WRESTLER

ALLIGATOR WRESTLING EXPERTS CONVERGED ON BRIDGEPORT THIS WEEK IN HOPES OF ISSUING NEW WRESTLING SAFETY GUIDELINES AFTER LOCAL MAN LOSES A HAND DURING BRIDGEPORT ALLIGATOR DAYS CELEBRATION

BRIDGEPORT

Charlie Horase, 40, learned Tuesday that when it comes to wrestling alligators, being 'pretty good' does not apply.  Horase lost his left hand to his angry opponent in the opening face off between man and beast at Bridgeport's first annual ALLIGATOR DAYS CELEBRATION on Tuesday afternoon.
  
Badzilla was declared winner of the wrestling
match after winning quite handily..
A festive audience gathered at City Square, downtown where they were fed gator burgers and beer before being seated around a makeshift alligator pit.  When the large male alligator named Badzilla was let out of his crate the crowd roared their approval. Then Horase, the local favorite was introduced as the opponent and security had to be called in to settle down the rowdy attendees. As the wrestling match started, one of Horase's fans asked for an autographed picture.  As Horase reached for a pen, Badzilla pounced and chomped off his left hand, bringing a hush to the audience.  The alligator was confined in a corner of the pit and Horase was rushed to the hospital.  In the minutes that followed, Badzilla appeared to enjoy his trophy right down to the last finger.  The judges declared him the winner by a vote of  hands.
 On Wednesday morning a special meeting of alligator wrestling experts met to re-write the rules on   wrestling with an alligator.  "There's no such thing as a 'pretty good' alligator wrestler." was written into the bylaws of the Alligator Wrestling Creed. This joins the other statements already in the by-laws, "There's no such thing as being a 'Not bad' alligator wrestler."  and "There's no such thing as being a 'Promising' alligator wrestler".  There was then a moment of silence to honor the departed alligator wrestlers who were known to have been 'not bad' and 'promising'.  
Charlie Horase

Horase had been wrestling alligators professionally for three months prior to this week's accident and plans tor be back in the pits before Christmas.  He plans to  complete his home study course and hopes to become an expert wrestler. Badzilla is waiting.   OFF THE WALL will follow this story  and keep you posted.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO WENT IT ALONE, NEAR DEATH

FOOTBALL STAR QUARTERBACK WILLIAM "BRONCO BILLY" MALONE BOASTED THAT HE DIDN'T NEED THE REST OF THE TEAM AND FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT FOOTBALL IS A FULL CONTACT TEAM SPORT

BRIDGEPORT

"Bronco Billy Malone remains on life support.

Bridgeport semi pro football quarterback, William "Bronco Billy" Malone is laying on his back in Bridgeport General hospital after being taken off the field on a stretcher in the Sunday Football Spring league opener.
Malone, in yellow helmet, was crushed in the
opening kickoff.
In what was to be billed as the game of the century, the game fizzled out after the opening kickoff when Malone, standing alone in his endzone took the opening kickoff and charged forward into the field of play, one man against eleven.  He made it out to the seven yard line where 980 pounds of thundering tacklers hit him high and low.  Another thousand pounds of players piled on and the ball squirted out to be recovered by the opposing  team.  As the officials blew the play dead the players covering Malone got up one by one, leaving Malone lying motionless on the field.  Those watching on TV had to wait a full five minutes after being whisked away for commercials, to find out if Malone was alright.  As the broadcast came back live, players were still being untangled.  The only thing not flattened under the weight of the pile was Malone's yellow helmet.

Malone made headlines last week when he boasted he was good enough to be a one man team.  This riled his opening season opponents the Bloody Hawks, who vowed to teach him that football is a team sport.
As of this morning, Malone remains in guarded condition in the hospital where his agent is selling "Broco Billy" memorabilia to help defray costs.  "There's a lesson to be learned here", he told kids gathered at his memorabilia table in the hospital atrium. "Sometimes it's best to down the ball and not run it out."

OFF THE WALL news will remain at the hospital to report his condition either way it turns out.



Monday, March 31, 2014

AFTER YEARS OF HARDSHIP AND BAD LUCK, MAN TURNS THINGS AROUND

AFTER LIVING IN A HELL ON EARTH FOR TWELVE YEARS, LOCAL MAN REALIZES WHAT CAUSED HIS SUFFERINGS AND HAS REVERSED HIS MISFORTUNES

BRIDGEPORT

In March of 2002 Ole Moley, 49 of Bridgeport, stepped on a nail while walking barefoot, causing an infection and loss of his right leg below the knee. Two months later a tree fell on his car, destroying it.  At the end of the year he lost his house to a fire.  It proved to be a bad year, but it was only the beginning. The next year his right arm became caught in a carnival ride and was nearly lost. Within a month he was fired from his job, prompting his first wife to leave him.  He wandered about homeless and jobless eventually becoming addicted to drugs. He ended up spending three years in prison for drug dealing.

Ole Moley holds the chain
letter he broke in 2002, which
 haunted him for ten years.
Upon release he decided to start clean and landed a job as a short order cook.  Six weeks into his new job, he met and married a coworker.  Two months later she left him for another and it was shortly after that, he discovered she had left him with a bad case of syphilis.
While being treated for this disease, he was given too much anesthetic and lapsed into a coma. He awakened a year later and to add insult to injury, learned that his penis had been amputated due to his disease.  He was at a new low point in his life and tried to understand why his luck had been so bad over the past years.  Then while getting ready to file papers for bankruptcy, he found a letter in amongst his belongings and knew immediately why life had been so hard on him.

The letter he found was a chain letter he had received back in 2001, warning him of ten years of bad luck if he broke the chain and did not keep the letter going. He threw the letter in a drawer however and broke the chain.  After realizing his mistake, he began to shake and quickly copied the letter knowing he had to get it on its way once again.  Moley told OFF THE WALL news he hasn't experienced any bad luck in over two years since mailing the letter.
"That letter is out there, so be ready to keep it going", he advised.  "Just look what happened to me."
OFF THE WALL will keep you posted.















Wednesday, March 26, 2014

MAN FIRED FROM JOB FOR DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS

LOCAL MAN CLAIMS HE WAS FIRED WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET (NO PUN INTENDED) AND STARTED DRESSING AS HIS TRUE SELF, MAKING THIS CASE RIPE FOR A LAWSUIT

BRIDGEPORT

Kent was not allowed into his work
place after arriving dressed as Superman
On Monday Emy Nent, 54, of South Bridgeport filed papers to have his name legally changed to Clark Kent. On Tuesday he was fired from his job as a grief counselor at a local Funeral Home, when he came to work dressed as Superman.

"I'm being unfairly thrust into the spotlight", a dejected Kent wrote in a letter to the editor.  "I know who I really am and I wanted the world to also know, but not in this manner."  Contacted by OFF THE WALL NEWS and asked to explain his side of the story, he had this to say:  "I've wondered about my true identity ever since becoming an adult.  It just so happened I married a girl named Lois Lane and we named our son Jimmy.  For Christmas one year Lois gave me a Superman outfit and we'd roll play in secret every weekend.  It felt so good jumping off the garage and changing clothes in phone booths, I wanted to come out then and there but my profession, counseling grief stricken people held me back. Then I discovered that when I appeared as Superman, they often looked at one another and began to smile.  That was the clincher for me, I decided to come out as my true self."

Funeral Parlor spokesman Darth Vader
before and after his accident.
Although Kent believes he is being discriminated against, his employer feels differently.  Darth Vader, spokesman for Lucky's Funeral Home said in a prepared statement, "I know what Mr. Nent (he would not use the Kent name) is going through. As a teen I was disfigured in an accident and must wear a black helmet over my face and head. Ever since the Star Wars movies I have suffered because of this.   At work I am known as Mr. V out of respect for our customers and their frightened children.  Someone dressed as a fictional character like Superman has no place in our lobby or grief rooms."  Kent's reaction was, "But I'm not a fictional character!  I'm Me!"

This case will most likely be decided in the courts.  OFF THE WALL will be there from gavel to gavel.


Monday, March 24, 2014

SUPER BOWL OF AWARDS SHOWS PREMIERS TONIGHT

AWARDS FOR THE BEST AWARDS PROGRAM WILL BE AWARDED TONIGHT AT THE AMHERST COLOSSEUM DOWNTOWN BRIDGEPORT, NOMINEES INCLUDE THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS SHOW AS WELL AS THE OSCARS

BRIDGEPORT

The GBA Award will be
handed out to the best
of the best.
Thanks to the brainchild of a Bridgeport awards fanatic, there will be an awards show of super importance recognizing the best awards shows everywhere. Nominations include, but are not limited to The Academy Awards, The Emmy Awards, Peoples Choice Awards, The MTV Awards, The Country Music Association Awards, The Tony Awards, The Actors Guild Awards, and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Awards.  The city will be crawling with award hopefuls.

Roger Dingle, 60, formerly of Bridgeport has been in love with the way the performing arts take care of their own by recognizing each other with high achievement awards like the Oscar and the Emmy.  His favorite pastime is watching awards shows and because awards shows have gotten bigger and more sophisticated over the years, he felt it time to recognize the awards shows with their own award.  That award is called the Golden Bubble Award and is made in China.  Each award is hand made and polished with a soft cloth.  There are over sixty GBAs to give out in the allotted two hour program so acceptance speeches will be limited to ten seconds.
OFF THE WALL will be there and sitting up front to bring you any instant surprise updates. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

BRIDGEPORT NOW LISTED IN THE TOP TEN AVERAGE PLACES TO LIVE

THE CITY POPULATION HAS FINALLY STOPPED DECLINING, ENDING A STEADY DRAIN IN POPULATION THAT HAS PLAGUED THE CITY IN THE PRIOR THREE YEARS, RANKING IT NOW FIFTH OVERALL AVERAGE CITY IN THE U.S.

BRIDGEPORT

Mead E.Oker designed the
official city shirt.
This may be just your average story, but according to Mayor Ben Dover, the city is sitting right where it should be as far as rankings of average cities go.  Bridgeport now has bragging rights after being  selected by the Average Polling Board, as being #5 in the Top Ten Average Cities in the U.S.

After a steady decline in the city's population in 2010-11-12, the mayor credits his "Save The City" campaign for bringing a halt to the exodus.  His idea of putting up billboards around town that read in bold letters, "BRIDGEPORT, JUST YOUR AVERAGE CITY" was just the beginning. Late night television spots were next, showing average looking people doing average normal things.

"It took the fear out of living here." the mayor told a bus load of tourists, who were stranded in town while their bus was repaired.
The mayor also gave credit to his karaoke coach,  Mead E. Oker, 19, for designing a uniform work shirt for city hourly employees. The slogan on the shirt beat out "My Life Is Boring", which was suggested by the Bridgeport City Fun League.

 In a short speech accepting the Average Ranking Award and while eating a vanilla ice cream cone the mayor had this to say, "Today we have stepped into the spotlight, proving that being average is nothing to be ashamed of.  On any average day, there are more average people doing average things than on average, you would care to know about. Being ranked #5 puts us right in the middle of average, any more would be above average any less, below.  Fellow citizens like I've always said, strive to be average and you will be!"
OFF THE WALL news will monitor this story on average for six months.

Friday, March 21, 2014

FIRST ROBIN OF THE YEAR IS SPOTTED!

EXUBERANT BACK YARD BIRD WATCHER SEES FIRST EVER SPOTTED ROBIN, CAUSING BIRD EXPERTS TO FLOCK TO THE BRIDGEPORT

BRIDGEPORT

This photo was taken with a Sam's Club
disposable 35mm camera with a one time
only telephoto lens by Herbie Bell
of Bridgeport.
Professor Datese  Anuff of the Rare Bird Sanctuary in Nester, Wyoming is on his way to  Bridgeport to confirm the sighting of the rarest of the rare birds in North American, the Spotted Robin.  The Spotted Robin spotted in Bridgeport may be one of only three of the birds known to exist.

Early this morning Herbie Bell, 63, of Bridgeport was looking out his kitchen window hoping to see the first robin of the Spring. As he was about to give up, a flutter of wings caught his eye and a bird with the familiar orange breast of a robin landed not 30 feet from his window.
Upon closer look through a telescope, he saw the spots of the Spotted Robin and knew he had not only spotted a robin, but he had spotted a Spotted Robin!  Bell used a one time only Sam's Club 35mm camera, and the disposable telephoto lens that came with it, to capture the photo shown in this story. He then notified local bird watchers, who in turn contacted Professor Anuff.

Professor Datese Anuff, shown here with
his pet Cockatoo, is on his way to see
the Spotted Robin.
As word of the sighting spread, neighbors and early morning joggers alike began flocking to Bell's home in hopes of spotting the Spotted Robin.  OFF THE WALL has set up camp in a tree house next door and will report any new sightings as they happen.






Tuesday, March 18, 2014

"KISS ME I'M IRISH" SHIRT TO BE BANNED AFTER NEAR FATAL INCIDENT

NOVELTY TEE SHIRT WORN BY PEOPLE OF ALL ETHNICITIES ON ST. PADDY'S DAY NEARLY CAUSES ONE YOUNG MAN HIS LIFE AFTER HE IS MOBBED BY A BUS LOAD OF REVELERS WITH KISSING DISEASE

GREAT FALLS

This is a shirt like the one Squealer wore
yesterday before being chased down and'
almost kissed to death.
Tommy Squealer, 33, of Great Falls, Wisconsin is resting comfortably at home today after surviving a horrific ordeal at a St. Patrick's Day parade yesterday.  Squealer, a Polish/Italian got into the spirit of St. Paddy's day by putting on a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" tee shirt.  He even wore a Leprechaun hat, that was lost in the scuffle that ensued soon after Squealer arrived at the parade route.

Squealer told OFF THE WALL reporter Dave Taylor, that after a few green beers, he even felt Irish.  This feeling soon changed to one of fear when a school bus in the parade stopped in front of where he was standing. OFF THE WALL learned, the rented school bus had been painted green for the parade by the Festers Medical Clinic for Disease and was full of patients out for the holiday. Ironically most of the patients on the bus suffered from various forms of Kissing Disease and after spotting Squealer's shirt in the parade crowd, vacated the bus in a frenzy, running  directly at Squealer.
Kiss victim Tommy Squealer shows the
stitches in his lip after be kissed violently. 
Squealer, who weighs upwards of 270 pounds began running, but was no match for the young and eager pursuers. He was caught and immediately felt himself being kissed repeatedly all about his face and lips. His lips took such a beating, they required and received a dozen stitches.

Police were able to free Squealer and subdue  the patients.  Clinic officials were then able to round up the patients responsible and had them back in the clinic by night fall.
The city of Great Falls issued a ban on the tee shirts and by doing so, hopes to ward off being sued by Squealer.  Squealer's only comment was that he never wanted to be Irish again.  OFF THE WALL will keep tabs and report on any updates to this story.



Monday, March 17, 2014

SAINT PADDY'S DAY PARADE GOES WRONG WAY ON ONE WAY STREET, ALCOHOL BLAMED

THE GRAND MARSHALL OF THIS YEAR'S SAINT PATRICK'S DAY PARADE WAS SITED FOR DRUNKENNESS AFTER THE  PARADE HEADS DOWN A ONE WAY STREET GOING THE WRONG WAY, LEAVING PARADE GOERS DAZED AND CONFUSED

BRIDGEPORT

Pat McGroin, Bridgeport's city attorney, city council member, and this year's Grand Marshall of the Saint Patrick's day parade , was arrested for public drunkenness and wrong way parading at 9 A.M. this morning.
Parade goers stood dazed and confused as they saw
the parade coming the wrong way down the street.
Parade goers who like watching a parade from a certain side of the street were taken out of their comfort zone this morning as the parade came down the street going the wrong direction. "Even the bag pipe players were out of step, you know out of kilter!" cried Mike McGoo, a parade goer who tried to get across the street to watch from his favorite side, but couldn't.
Grand Marshall Pat McGroin (L) was sited
for public drunkenness and wrong way parading.

McGroin was arrested, jailed, and then released on his promise to appear in court all before noon. He made a public apology at O'Riley's Irish Keg House just after 1 P.M.  "Everything was goin' fine," he told a crowd of revelers, "until about 8:45 this morning. I got so I was seein' Dublin and sent the floats the wrong way!" That brought a roar of laughter from the drinkers.  The mood got even more festive and McGroin was forgiven with pats on the back, after he bought the house a round of green lager.

As for the parade, it ended up where it should have started, but all involved were happy after being serviced by a keg truck. OFF THE WALL will continue to cover city events like this one, come rain or shine. Happy St. Patrick's Day to all!


Saturday, March 15, 2014

GHOST HUNTERS TRACK GHOST OF ELVIS TO BRIDGEPORT

TWO GHOST HUNTERS HAVE BEEN CHASING THE GHOST OF ELVIS FOR TEN MONTHS AND AMID SKEPTICISM,  BELIEVE IT IS NOW IN BRIDGEPORT

BRIDGEPORT

Ghost hunters Meshitz Shortz and Wher Yu Hidin
were sleepless in Seattle before following a ghost
here to Bridgeport.
Meshitz Shortz  and Wher Yu Hidin, ghost hunters living in Keelung City, Taiwan arrived in Bridgeport last evening frightened, confused, and tired.  Shortz, 36, a former Russian dock worker met Hidin, 28, a Taiwanese dancer, ten months ago at a Seance where they say a Ghost was conjured up.  According to unsubstantiated news reports, the couple recognized the ghost to be that of Elvis Presley.

"The entity appeared to be all shooken up", Shortz told a Taiwanese news reporter.  "It jumped around like feet hurt in blue suede shoes, then jump out window."  Shortz and Hidin knew they had found the King or at least his ghost and thus began the chase.

Hidin took this picture of Elvis's ghost as
he faced Shortz and herself in their hotel
room. An instant later he disappeared into
 thin air.
They followed the ghost across Taiwan and into China, where they lost him.  Two months later the ghost resurfaced in Manila and the now weary duo caught the next flight out.  Once in Manila, they began searching everywhere after learning someone had spotted him crying at a chapel in the ghetto.  A week passed without a sighting, then "Elvis" appeared in their hotel room. Hidin was able to take a picture of him.  "He looked heart broken," she recalls, "and was humming Heart Break Hotel.  We all began to cry and then he was gone once more."

They followed the ghost from Manila to Hawaii where they caught a glimpse of him dancing at a luau and eating bbq pork.  When he saw them he vanished and was not heard of again until he resurfaced a month later in Seattle, Washington.  Shortz and Hidin tried to contact him, but failed.  They now believe that Elvis was upset with them as he howled like a hound dog outside their hotel room all night, keeping them awake and frightened.
That was the last they heard of him until two days ago when they found a message in a bottle saying that he was headed to Bridgeport, Minnesota.  The couple arrived last night and told OFF THE WALL News, they have their suspicions that he is here to see Dave Taylor, Senior reporter for OFF THE WALL News.  Taylor was an avid fan in the late 50s and once bought Elvis a Coke at a concert. Elvis was reported to have been ecstatic and told Taylor, "Hey, too much man! Taylor bowed giving Elvis the thumbs up sign, to which Elvis then curled his lip and said, "Thank you, thank you very much!"
Only time will tell if the King's ghost is in Bridgeport.  If it is, you have nothing to fear.  Sleep well, OFF THE WALL News has you covered!

Friday, March 14, 2014

NUDE COUPLE CRITICALLY INJURED IN FALL FROM TREE

SANCTIONED MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB, COUPLE HAD HOPED TO BE FOUNDING MEMBERS OF A TREE TOP CLUB, INSTEAD THEIR EFFORTS LANDED THEM IN THE  JAILHOUSE INFIRMARY

BRIDGEPORT

Ben Gaye resting after 50 ft.
fall from an Oak tree. He broke
both legs, an arm, and suffered
numerous scratches to his genitals.
Ben Gaye and Margaret McGoo, both 30 of Bridgeport were taken by ambulance last night to Bridgeport General, with multiple fractures, scratches, and bruises.  Gaye's neighbor called police around 11:30 P.M. last evening and reported hearing banging noises coming from a tree in his yard. Police arrived and using a flashlight spotted two naked people near the top of the 50 ft. Oak tree. The beam of light apparently scared the two and they fell to the ground, hitting branch after branch on the way down.

Since both were nude, they were sited for indecent exposure before being loaded into an ambulance for the ride to the hospital.  OFF THE WALL News was able to piece together the following report, after giving anonymity to policewomen Ulanda Harrd, who requested her name not be used. (Due to proof reading errors, her name mistakenly appeared and she will receive our apologies and a $5 gift card to Subway.)

Gaye and his long time girlfriend McGoo had recently been inducted into the Mile High Club. They made a video of themselves having a sexual encounter in the airplane bathroom, at well over five thousand feet. The five minute clip got over 9000 hits on YouTube before their plane even landed.  They were mobbed by a small crowd of admirers at the airport and soon hatched the plan to have sex in the top of a tree.
Everything was going smoothly in the tree until they were attacked by a squirrel.  Gaye was able to fight the animal off before hearing police sirens which ended in them being bathed light. It had taken them close to twenty minutes to climb the tree in the dark and only thirty seconds coming down.  Both Gaye and McGoo are expected to recover and then pay fines totaling $600.
As for the Tree Top Club, Gaye had this to say, "It will have to wait for now, but we'll get it done", he paused and then smiled, "knock on wood."
OFF THE WALL News will be there when it does.



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SCIENTIFIC STUDIES REVEAL MARCHING IS MORE BENEFICIAL THAN ONCE THOUGHT

FROM STRENGTHENING LEG MUSCLES, TO LEARNING TO KEEP IN STEP, MARCHING CLUBS ARE BECOMING WILDLY POPULAR OVERTAKING  TAP DANCE CLUBS EVERYWHERE, OPENING DOORS FOR MARCHING MUSIC COMPOSERS NATION WIDE.   

BRIDGEPORT

When Augburn Fellows of Bridgeport looked out his window and saw a group of his neighbors marching in goose step past his house, he was fascinated.  He ran outside and followed them to the Walmart parking lot.  There he learned they were part of a growing segment of the population that have taken up marching just for the fun of it.  He joined their club, The High Steppers and began attending meetings and practice sessions.  To make matters even sweeter for Fellows, he has been secretly composing march music while his wife sleeps for some time now, and is about to cash in.
The Bridgeport High Steppers marching
club, march three days a week, rain or shine.
Here is another example of the marching craze. Hortense Cortez, 56 of Bridgeport saw a story about it on television and soon she was marching in place while cooking meals.  Her husband called their doctor for help only to be told the doctor was at marching class.  Soon both the Cortezes started marching themselves while watching Marching With The Stars, on tv.
Professor Millie Vanilla is writing a book
about marching and the sexual benefits
that may be enjoyed..
Professor Millie Vanilla of the Bridgeport University explained it this way,  "Every so often something happens that causes people to jump on the band wagon so to speak.  In the case of the marching craze, the information I'm receiving is that it was brought on by the extreme cabin fever this year.  The good news is that it is good for you!  Your leg muscles get a good work out, as well as your heart.  It also promotes team work to march in step.  It also may help in bed."
OFF THE WALL News, known to march to a different beat, plans to follow this craze for as long as it can.  
(Editors note;  Marching With The Stars may not be available in your area yet.  Please call your local provider for information.)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

MAN GARGLES MEAT AND AMAZES HIMSELF

A BRIDGEPORT MAN WHO CHOKED WHILE DINING OUT DISCOVERS MEAT GARGLING AND BECOMES AN OVERNIGHT SENSATION!
This picture taken by ChokeCam caught Downer
choking  on a 5 oz. piece of steak. A minute later
he was garling the meat.

BRIDGEPORT

Sunday night Hans Downer, 30, of Bridgeport was eating steak at Stu's Steak Shop in downtown Bridgeport when he tried swallowing a huge piece of meat.  It became lodged in his throat and at first he panicked before the urge to gargle overcame him and he was soon gargling loud enough that people at the next table were tapping their feet to the rhythm. 
Downer was able to gargle over a pound of meat during the course of his meal, much to the delight of his wife and restaurant owner Stu Baker, who once almost choked to death on a hot dog.
A video was made of Downer gargling the prime piece of meat and was immediately purchased by the Red Meat Council for viewing on their late night T.V. channel, KMEAT. "I think I've found my niche," said an exuberant Downer.  "I may try gargling other kinds of food.  Who knows, I just might gargle a whole pizza and six pack of beer!"
OFF THE WALL News hopes to follow this story and see what comes up. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

BRIDGEPORT CHOSEN FOR ANNUAL LOSERS CONVENTION, AGAIN!

FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW, CITY WILL HOST LOSERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY FOR A THREE DAY CONVENTION.  JUST HOW MANY LOSERS CALL BRIDGEPORT HOME  IS UNKNOWN

BRIDGEPORT

Mayor Ben Dover is asking residents of Bridgeport to welcome the hoards of people that will fill our streets this Tuesday through Thursday.  Many of the visitors will be making their first visit and he's hoping to make a good first impression.  Dover told OFF THE WALL News that as a young man, he attended a couple of  Losers rallies in Omaha and it gave him the nudge he needed to do something besides nothing.  At age 34 he moved out of his parents home and started attending Losers meetings around the country and now less than fifteen years later, he is the Mayor of Bridgeport.

A small crowd of convention goers from last year,
mill around in the street between meetings.
Local hotels and restaurants are looking forward to an increase in business from the attendees this year, due to the curb on makeshift shelters and tents. Cooking over open fires has also been banned.  Mayor Dover pushed for these new bans, saying people are made to feel like losers when they are forced to live outdoors.

The convention will be held in the Soldiers Convention Center on Main and 2nd St.  Guest speakers this year include Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will read from his book, "Just When I Thought I Had It Made, My Maid Ratted Me Out".  It is about how he went from being on top to becoming a near loser.  Closing speaker on Thursday will be Mitt Romney who promises to talk directly to the 47% he was talking about during his unsuccessful bid for President.  "There's nothing wrong with being a loser" is the theme of his presentation.
OFF THE WALL News will be there to keep everyone up to date.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

SENIOR CENTER HOSTS 70s PARTY

OWNERS OF THE BRIDGEPORT SENIOR LIVING CENTER WERE HOPING TO RECHARGE  RESIDENTS WITH A 70s PARTY COMPLETE WITH THE LIGHTED FLOOR AND A DISCO BALL, THEY MAY HAVE STARTED SOMETHING ELSE!

BRIDGE PORT, MN.
Grandma X didn't want us to use her real
name because of her bong and the bottle of
Ripple wine she won in the limbo contest.

Of all the ailments being suffered at the Bridgeport Senior Living Center, Boogie Fever has been added to the mix. Friday night brought out the elderly and for a few hours they were young again.  Grandmother Bertie Tittel, who requested that we call her Grandma X to hide her uninhibited actions from her kids and grand kids, was the first to arrive.
In the true spirit of the 70s, the senior community room was transformed into a real life disco, complete with lights in the dance floor and a disco ball overhead.  Grandma X shocked the staff members by unpacking and bringing her  cherished water bong to the party.
"Earl and I partied a plenty with this baby," she said with far away looking eyes, while talking about her late husband, Earl. "I'm hoping to score a little something here tonight."  Later on she ended up winning a bottle of Ripple in the limbo contest.

The party was to start at 6:30 and last until 9 P.M., but there was a  line of wheel chairs and walkers outside the community room well before 6 o'clock.  The staff relented and the music was still booming at 9:30 as revelers danced in a line to the Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive".   Finally at 10:15 P.M., to the dismay of the crowd still present, the music stopped and flashing lights were turned off by tired staffers.  Grandma X was wheeled back to her room where she was joined by a group of "party animal" residents for an after party.
"We've got my bong, the Ripple, and the radio. Now we're going to party like it's 1999, no wait, like it's 1975! John Travolta eat your heart out!" she blurted out with reddish eyes and a huge grin.

OFF THE WALL will continue to monitor the Senior Center and it's residents.


Friday, March 7, 2014

CITY WRESTLES WITH DAY LIGHT TIME EXTENSION

SUNDAY THE COUNTRY SPRINGS AHEAD ONE HOUR AS DAYLIGHT TIME RETURNS, MAYOR WANTS TO ADD ANOTHER HOUR TO SPRING AHEAD OF THE COUNTRY.

Mayor Ben Dover whose campaign
slogan was "Trust Me" is now in his
second term.

BRIDGEPORT

In what may be his boldest move yet, Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover has asked the city council to approve his idea of moving the clock ahead not one, but two hours this Sunday morning.  At two A.M. Sunday morning all states except Arizona and Hawaii will revert to "Daylight" time and move their clocks ahead one hour.  

Mayor Dover believes that by adding an extra hour, the city of Bridgeport will have a jump on the rest of the country.  "By jumping ahead an hour, other cities will have to follow us. Our stores and businesses will already be up and running when the rest of the country is getting out of bed," Dover said in a meeting with the city council.  "We'll have an hour head start and the rest of the United States will tune in to see what we are doing, to follow our lead so to speak."
His idea was met with mixed emotions at the meeting.  Some council members said they were more in favor of moving the clocks back an hour, putting Bridgeport two hours behind the rest of the country.  Councilman Iken Doolittle told TOTALLY OFF THE WALL, he saw nothing wrong with being a follower.  "If we are behind the country by two hours, we will be able to avoid mistakes being made in other parts of the country, we can learn from their mistakes.  An extra hour in the sac won't hurt either."

Mayor Dover has an uphill battle to get his idea approved in time for the Sunday time change.  He is use to battling however, his last heated argument was pushing for legalization of Marijuana within city hall.  In that skirmish he won the battle, but lost the war.  Marijuana was legalized within City Hall, but it's use is prohibited. TOTALLY OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this story of time change, right up to the last minute.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

OFF THE WALL NEWS REPLACES CHANNEL 1 NEWS IN TAKE OVER

OFF THE WALL NEWS AND DAVE TAYLOR BUY CHANNEL 1 NEWS IN SURPRISE TAKEOVER!

BRIDGEPORT

In a surprise overnight takeover, OFF THE WALL NEWS swallowed CHANNEL 1 NEWS making it the 9715th largest news organization in the world.  C1N stockholders learned of the acquisition  in an impromptu meeting held in the elevator of the Edsel building in downtown Bridgeport.  Although some were devastated, others will be laughing all the way to the credit union.

Channel 1 News stockholders were shocked to
learn of the company takeover by Off The
Wall News.  Some were made rich while others
lost everything.
Dave Taylor, long time Senior Editor and reporter for C1N saw this coming a long time ago and jumped ship in early January, joining the board of OTW in a secret ceremony.  The ceremony was so secret, all present were blindfolded.  Taylor will continue to be the frontman for the news organization and will have better resources to dig deeper for the OFF THE WALL stories lurking about world wide.

OFF THE WALL NEWS promises to bring readers the best of the best of totally off the wall news stories in the future. Sleep well and know that everything you read in OTW just might be true.  Welcome to the new future of news, OFF THE WALL NEWS!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

DELAYED FISH STICK SEASON OPENER CAUSES PROBLEMS FOR LENT

DUE TO THE THICK ICE, THE FISH STICK FISHING INDUSTRY WAS FORCED TO CANCEL OPENING DAY OF THIS YEAR'S FISH STICK SEASON PUTTING LENT IN JEOPARDY

BRIDGEPORT

Capt. Syphilis Bluebird feels
badly for the Fish Sticks.
The unusual cold weather this winter, continues to cause havoc in the area. Fourteen fishing trawlers based on Lake Bridgeport will remain idle a while longer it seems.  On this, the normal start of Fish Stick season, fisherman learned opening day will now be no sooner than April 1.  The reason being the ice on the lake is too thick.  Making matters worse, dead fish sticks can be seen frozen in the ice.
Captain Syphilis Bluebird of the fishing vessel "Shiver Me Timber" told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "I hate what this damn ice is doing to me ship, but it's the poor Fish Sticks that is sufferin' most, the fish and of course my crew.  An idle crew is worse than a Chinese fire drill."  When asked to explain, he said, "You know, nobody knows what to do."

Church pews emptied as parishioners heard the news of a
Fish Stick shortage in Bridgeport.  Grocery stores became jammed.
The other problem facing the masses is that fish is in high demand during Lent, which started today.  Immediately after the Fish Stick season opener cancellation was announced at this morning's mass, the church emptied and the grocery stores and fish markets in Bridgeport became swamped.

Fish Sticks first became popular in the 1950s when they were discovered in the icy waters of  Lake Bridgeport.  Some species of fish inner breed, but somehow Fish Sticks self-bread themselves, making them a quick and easy meal to prepare.  Their popularity has spread world wide and they are now a huge favorite in Alabama.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will continue to watch the conditions of the ice and report and changes.

Monday, March 3, 2014

TAYLOR REPORTS GOOD TIMES HAD AT THE OSCARS

AFTER THE OSCAR CEREMONIES LAST EVENING, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S DAVE TAYLOR HOB KNOBBED WITH THE STARS WELL INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING

HOLLYWOOD

The closest thing we have to royalty (excluding sports figures) in the United States, are movie stars, that elite crowd of actors that we idolize.  Last night's Oscar presentation brought them all together to honor one another and in their midst was Dave Taylor.
Dave Taylor (back row, center) is pictured in a "selfie" with a
group of partying stars. "The parties went on all night," said Taylor.
Taylor flew in Sunday morning after a brief few days in the Tampa Bay, Florida area, where he was on assignment studying the habits of Snow Birds.
A trusted correspondent to the stars, Taylor was picked up at the airport in a bright red limo belonging to Oscar starved Arnold Schwarzenegger. His spirits were high even though he was not in the running this year for an Oscar. Schwarzenegger joked to Taylor, "I had it made, until I had the Maid." According to Taylor, it was a fun ride.
Taylor helps undercover police dispose of a container of suspicious
white powder found near a statue of Oscar.
This year the ceremony was held at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles and Schwarzenegger's limo dropped Taylor off in the front of the building where workers worked feverously laying the red carpet.  At one point later in the afternoon, he joined undercover police in searching for illegal substances.  Upon finding a large tin of white powder by a large gold statue of Oscar, they emptied the tin into the street.

Taylor had a  fifth row center seat for the actual event, sitting right behind, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Joining them in a selfie picture was one of the highlights of the evening.
The parties that took place afterward went on until dawn, but according to Taylor, that is a whole nother story, to be reported at a later date.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will print those stories as they are submitted.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

FUTURISTIC MEDICAL DEVICE CAPTURES IMAGE OF HEADACHES

A BREAKTHROUGH IN HEADACHE IMAGING REVEALS HOW INTENSE AND LARGE SOME HEADACHES REALLY REALLY ARE

BRIDGEPORT


With the help of a Head Hurtz Imaging
Devise, the actual headache can be seen.
The woman in this picture is having a mas-
save headache, which looks like a
 huge stone block on film.
Harlen Hurtz, a freelance cork buyer was suffering a pounding headache last year and as much as he was suffering, no one would believe him.  He told his doctor, it felt like a huge stone block had enveloped his head and was resting on his shoulders.  His doctor snickered and sent him home with a bottle of aspirin.  This prompted Hurtz to prove himself and he set to work creating a device that could actually see the headache and record its image on medical film.

Harlen Hurtz suffers from  headaches
and thanks to his devise, he can now
watch it develop, as shown in this image.
Hurtz, 46, worked frantically after receiving a grant from Walmart and when the first two of his devises exploded in the lab, he was ready to give up.  One week later, the breakthrough he was looking for happened at the onset of another of his monster headaches.  He plugged in his newest prototype and presto, he could see his headache on the device's TV screen!  He was ecstatic and applied for a patient the following day.  He called his invention, the Head Hurtz Imaging Devise.  It works on a new form of technology using sun rays, x rays, and Preparation H.  Hurtz declined releasing further details for fear of copycats.  

Hurtz hopes to have the machine on Walmart shelves by May.  "If you can see the headache, it is easier to treat." he told Dave Taylor of CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "It even comes with a remote. We are now moving beyond the space age!"  


Monday, February 24, 2014

SOCHI OLYMPICS OVER BUT THE GAMES GO ON

SENIOR ANCHOR AND NEWS REPORTER DAVE TAYLOR ARRIVED HOME FROM SOCHI AND REALIZED THE GAMES ARE NOT OVER, WHEN HE FOUND A SURPRISE IN HIS LUGGAGE

BRIDGEPORT

Taylor found a stuffed puppy hidden in his suitcase
that only barked in Russian.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS senior anchor Dave Taylor arrived home from Sochi, Russia on the red eye late last night, looking forward to a few hours off.  (Taylor never takes a full day off)  As he began to unpack his suitcase he found a gag gift from Vladimir Putin, signifying the games have not yet ended.  Under his socks, Taylor found a black and white stuffed puppy. Taylor realized it was a gag when he squeezed the toy dog and it barked, but only in Russian. Making it worse, the stuffed dog also "peed" without warning.  Around the dogs head was a note from Putin written in crude English that read: "Hope you not get pissed on or off!"  Taylor could only laugh and with a wink told the media present, "Game on!"
Taylor also found some old pictures from Putin in his suitcase, one showing Putin shirtless.  On the back was scribbled, "Show this to American Womans."  Meaning to be or not, according to Taylor, this was the real gag gift in his luggage.  Taylor is working on a "Care" package for Putin and will ship it soon.  Yes, the games are still on.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

NEW CAR SMELL FINALLY REVEALED

COVERT RESEARCH ASSIGNMENT,  UNLOCKS THE SECRET BEHIND "THAT NEW CAR SMELL"

BRIDGEPORT

A disguised Dave Taylor sat in numerous new cars
for six weeks using covert instruments to detect the
exact location of that "new car smell."
In a breaking story just released late this afternoon, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Senior anchor and reporter, revealed a covert assignment he headed in December of 2013 to learn the secret behind "that new car smell". That distinct smell of the interior of a new car has been a guarded secret since Henry Ford's first automobile came off the assembly line.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS decided to send Dave Taylor in undercover, to find out just what the secret is.
Taylor, disguised as a yuppie shopping for new cars, spent six weeks at various new car dealerships.  He logged over forty seven hours behind the wheel of an array of new cars.
A 300 VVX  Snif-o-cater like the one
used by Dave Taylor to pin point car
interior smells and odors.
When he wasn't test driving new cars, he was sitting in the rear seat asking the sales personnel about lease plans, and rust protection clauses, anything to buy time sitting in "that new car smell".  Unknowingly to the dealers, strapped to his leg was a specially designed instrument to locate where certain smells originate.  The instrument, a 300 VVX Snif-o-cater, is a device so high tech, Taylor had to obtain a security clearance from the Pentagon. 
Tests were done with the car windows up and windows down and while traveling at different speeds from 10 to 100 m.p.h.  

On the forty first day Taylor had a break through moment and was able to detect the exact location of that "new car smell" and determine what odors are combined to make the smell everyone enjoys. 
According to Taylor those odors are: Eight parts odor of frog hair, nine parts pine cone odor, three parts odor of camel saliva, one whiff of monkey breath, and the odor of compressed dead air found inside a pumpkin.  The odors of these items when mixed exactly together, create that pleasant "new car smell" in all new cars.
This information can't be substantiated however, as the Snif-o-cater used in the study, was stolen and the information deleted.  It is Taylor's word against the Auto Industry and CHANNEL 1 NEWS stands behind Taylor and his findings.  Taylor is currently on assignment in Sochi, Russia.



Monday, February 17, 2014

"A HORSE WITH NO NAME" IS FINALLY REVEALED

THE SONG "A HORSE WITH NO NAME" TOPPED THE RECORD CHARTS IN 1972, LEAVING MILLIONS WONDERING IT THE HORSE REALLY HAD A NAME.  DAVE TAYLOR DECIDED TO FIND OUT AND SPENT SIX WEEKS WITH THE HORSE'S GRANDSON LAST SUMMER, THIS IS HIS REPORT...

SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA 
Dave Taylor horse whispered the name from
 the famous horse's grandson last Summer.
  "It was a special moment" said Taylor.

The famous lyrics written by Dewy Bunnell started out, "On the first part of the journey" and then went on to include, "I've been through the desert  on a horse with no name." Forty two years later, the song still plays on classic rock stations around the world and new generations of listeners still wonder, just what was the horse's name.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Senior anchor and reporter, Dave Taylor decided to find out.   He packed a shirt and his boots and headed for Arizona last summer in search of the descendant of the famous horse with no name.
After arriving at the desert ranch where the descendant is being kept, the first thing he noticed was a lot of  plants and birds and rocks and things. "There was sand and hills and rings and the first thing I met was a fly with a buzz", he wrote in his journal. "And the sky with no clouds, the heat was hot and the ground was dry".   Taylor soon realized how eerily this was, to the songs original lyrics.  He knew he was close and it was fifteen minutes later he spotted the lone horse having some desert fun in a dry river bed.

Taylor, being a horse whisperer was able to walk up to the horse and put his head next to the horse's head and once he had the horse's confidence, whispered,  "In the desert you can remember his name, 
cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."  Taylor said it was truly a special moment for both of them. The horse made him promise not to leak his grandfather's name until after February 15th, 2014 because that would have been his grandfather's birthday.  When Taylor gave him his word the horse revealed the name of the horse with no name, The name was Ralph.  The horse went on to explain that the name Ralph didn't fit into the song's name or lyrics, "I've been through the desert on a horse named Ralph" so Bunnell changed it to a horse with "no name".  

The horse  and Taylor parted as kindred spirits and Taylor has waited until today to divulge the name.  And now you know! The horse with no name was named Ralph!

VICTORIA'S SECRET SAFE AFTER HACKERS FAIL TO GAIN ACCESS

HACKERS WERE UNABLE TO PENETRATE UNDERWEAR SOFTWARE FIREWALL LEAVING VICTORIA'S SECRET SAFE

BRIDGEPORT

As first reported last Wednesday, Victoria's Secret has been under siege from unknown hackers trying to breach a firewall, which would have brought their underwear department down.  Victoria's Secret spokesman Lon Geray issued a statement early this morning saying "This could have been a blushing moment for us, but thanks to the diligent work by our undergarment  team, Victoria's Secret is safe!"

Lacey Dee heard a noise in
her computer.
In computer lingo, a back door in their system was open,  leaving hackers an easy entry point. Luckily a department supervisor,  Lacey Dee heard a hacking noise coming from her desktop computer and alerted Victoria's Secret Computer Police.
Dee, a newer employee and former dancer who had just been promoted to department supervisor, was credited with keeping the system bug free. "I know all about hackers," she was quoted as saying, "I've been hacked before."
CHANNEL 1 NEWS plans to run a story on Dee in a future issue.  Happily for shoppers, Bridgeport's Victoria's Secret plans to reopen in the morning.