Monday, February 24, 2014

SOCHI OLYMPICS OVER BUT THE GAMES GO ON

SENIOR ANCHOR AND NEWS REPORTER DAVE TAYLOR ARRIVED HOME FROM SOCHI AND REALIZED THE GAMES ARE NOT OVER, WHEN HE FOUND A SURPRISE IN HIS LUGGAGE

BRIDGEPORT

Taylor found a stuffed puppy hidden in his suitcase
that only barked in Russian.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS senior anchor Dave Taylor arrived home from Sochi, Russia on the red eye late last night, looking forward to a few hours off.  (Taylor never takes a full day off)  As he began to unpack his suitcase he found a gag gift from Vladimir Putin, signifying the games have not yet ended.  Under his socks, Taylor found a black and white stuffed puppy. Taylor realized it was a gag when he squeezed the toy dog and it barked, but only in Russian. Making it worse, the stuffed dog also "peed" without warning.  Around the dogs head was a note from Putin written in crude English that read: "Hope you not get pissed on or off!"  Taylor could only laugh and with a wink told the media present, "Game on!"
Taylor also found some old pictures from Putin in his suitcase, one showing Putin shirtless.  On the back was scribbled, "Show this to American Womans."  Meaning to be or not, according to Taylor, this was the real gag gift in his luggage.  Taylor is working on a "Care" package for Putin and will ship it soon.  Yes, the games are still on.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

NEW CAR SMELL FINALLY REVEALED

COVERT RESEARCH ASSIGNMENT,  UNLOCKS THE SECRET BEHIND "THAT NEW CAR SMELL"

BRIDGEPORT

A disguised Dave Taylor sat in numerous new cars
for six weeks using covert instruments to detect the
exact location of that "new car smell."
In a breaking story just released late this afternoon, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Senior anchor and reporter, revealed a covert assignment he headed in December of 2013 to learn the secret behind "that new car smell". That distinct smell of the interior of a new car has been a guarded secret since Henry Ford's first automobile came off the assembly line.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS decided to send Dave Taylor in undercover, to find out just what the secret is.
Taylor, disguised as a yuppie shopping for new cars, spent six weeks at various new car dealerships.  He logged over forty seven hours behind the wheel of an array of new cars.
A 300 VVX  Snif-o-cater like the one
used by Dave Taylor to pin point car
interior smells and odors.
When he wasn't test driving new cars, he was sitting in the rear seat asking the sales personnel about lease plans, and rust protection clauses, anything to buy time sitting in "that new car smell".  Unknowingly to the dealers, strapped to his leg was a specially designed instrument to locate where certain smells originate.  The instrument, a 300 VVX Snif-o-cater, is a device so high tech, Taylor had to obtain a security clearance from the Pentagon. 
Tests were done with the car windows up and windows down and while traveling at different speeds from 10 to 100 m.p.h.  

On the forty first day Taylor had a break through moment and was able to detect the exact location of that "new car smell" and determine what odors are combined to make the smell everyone enjoys. 
According to Taylor those odors are: Eight parts odor of frog hair, nine parts pine cone odor, three parts odor of camel saliva, one whiff of monkey breath, and the odor of compressed dead air found inside a pumpkin.  The odors of these items when mixed exactly together, create that pleasant "new car smell" in all new cars.
This information can't be substantiated however, as the Snif-o-cater used in the study, was stolen and the information deleted.  It is Taylor's word against the Auto Industry and CHANNEL 1 NEWS stands behind Taylor and his findings.  Taylor is currently on assignment in Sochi, Russia.



Monday, February 17, 2014

"A HORSE WITH NO NAME" IS FINALLY REVEALED

THE SONG "A HORSE WITH NO NAME" TOPPED THE RECORD CHARTS IN 1972, LEAVING MILLIONS WONDERING IT THE HORSE REALLY HAD A NAME.  DAVE TAYLOR DECIDED TO FIND OUT AND SPENT SIX WEEKS WITH THE HORSE'S GRANDSON LAST SUMMER, THIS IS HIS REPORT...

SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA 
Dave Taylor horse whispered the name from
 the famous horse's grandson last Summer.
  "It was a special moment" said Taylor.

The famous lyrics written by Dewy Bunnell started out, "On the first part of the journey" and then went on to include, "I've been through the desert  on a horse with no name." Forty two years later, the song still plays on classic rock stations around the world and new generations of listeners still wonder, just what was the horse's name.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S Senior anchor and reporter, Dave Taylor decided to find out.   He packed a shirt and his boots and headed for Arizona last summer in search of the descendant of the famous horse with no name.
After arriving at the desert ranch where the descendant is being kept, the first thing he noticed was a lot of  plants and birds and rocks and things. "There was sand and hills and rings and the first thing I met was a fly with a buzz", he wrote in his journal. "And the sky with no clouds, the heat was hot and the ground was dry".   Taylor soon realized how eerily this was, to the songs original lyrics.  He knew he was close and it was fifteen minutes later he spotted the lone horse having some desert fun in a dry river bed.

Taylor, being a horse whisperer was able to walk up to the horse and put his head next to the horse's head and once he had the horse's confidence, whispered,  "In the desert you can remember his name, 
cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain."  Taylor said it was truly a special moment for both of them. The horse made him promise not to leak his grandfather's name until after February 15th, 2014 because that would have been his grandfather's birthday.  When Taylor gave him his word the horse revealed the name of the horse with no name, The name was Ralph.  The horse went on to explain that the name Ralph didn't fit into the song's name or lyrics, "I've been through the desert on a horse named Ralph" so Bunnell changed it to a horse with "no name".  

The horse  and Taylor parted as kindred spirits and Taylor has waited until today to divulge the name.  And now you know! The horse with no name was named Ralph!

VICTORIA'S SECRET SAFE AFTER HACKERS FAIL TO GAIN ACCESS

HACKERS WERE UNABLE TO PENETRATE UNDERWEAR SOFTWARE FIREWALL LEAVING VICTORIA'S SECRET SAFE

BRIDGEPORT

As first reported last Wednesday, Victoria's Secret has been under siege from unknown hackers trying to breach a firewall, which would have brought their underwear department down.  Victoria's Secret spokesman Lon Geray issued a statement early this morning saying "This could have been a blushing moment for us, but thanks to the diligent work by our undergarment  team, Victoria's Secret is safe!"

Lacey Dee heard a noise in
her computer.
In computer lingo, a back door in their system was open,  leaving hackers an easy entry point. Luckily a department supervisor,  Lacey Dee heard a hacking noise coming from her desktop computer and alerted Victoria's Secret Computer Police.
Dee, a newer employee and former dancer who had just been promoted to department supervisor, was credited with keeping the system bug free. "I know all about hackers," she was quoted as saying, "I've been hacked before."
CHANNEL 1 NEWS plans to run a story on Dee in a future issue.  Happily for shoppers, Bridgeport's Victoria's Secret plans to reopen in the morning.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

EDWARD SNOWDEN MEETS WITH DAVE TAYLOR IN A SECRET MEETING

THE HASTILY ARRANGED SECRET MEETING BY PUTIN WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH ALTHOUGH  PUTIN WAS REPORTEDLY  DUMBFOUNDED THAT NEWS OF THE MEETING HAD BEEN  LEAKED TO THE PRESS

SOCHI, RUSSIA

Dave Taylor presents Ed Snowden a thank you
letter from CHANNEL1 NEWS for all his secret
contributions over the years.
The secretly arranged secret meeting between Edward Snowden and Dave Taylor was not as secret as all parties were led to believe. The world press surged upon the secret meeting place (Denkendorf Plaza) soon after the news of the meeting was leaked.

After weeks of pressuring by Dave Taylor, President Putin gave in and secretly transported Edward Snowden to Sochi for a high level old fashion reunion of sorts.  The "American reunion" is what Putin called it and he insisted on the highest level of secrecy.  As Putin issued the order calling for the highest level of secrecy, Taylor received a cellphone call from his driver in Sochi telling him of the upcoming event.  It seems Snowden had leaked news of the meeting to a friend of his in the Russian underground.  Taylor texted the CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S English bureau office and report that even after learning of the meeting from his driver, he was able to look surprised when Putin informd him of the meeting.

Snowden and Taylor met in the commons area in the Denkendorf Plaza Hotel and lunched on subs from Jimmy John's, who arrived in under a minute after being called. Snowden said he missed Jimmy John's and was next to tears when Taylor handed him the letters from his family back home.  Snowden also received a thank you letter from CHANNEL 1 NEWS for his secret contributions.

As the two parted, Snowden said he hoped to be home by Christmas, but was not certain what year.  CHANNEL1 NEWS will follow this story and continue with it's reports from Sochi in the coming days.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

CABIN FEVER SUFFERERS BEING RECRUITED BY NASA

NASA OFFICIAL IS IN BRIDGEPORT AFTER LEARNING OF ALL THE  CABIN FEVER SURVIVORS LIVING HERE. HE HOPES TO RECRUIT GOOD CANDIDATES FOR THE UPCOMING MARS FLIGHT

BRIDGEPORT

Cabin Fever casualties out number hospital
rooms and Bridgeport Genera..
Because of the length of time an astronaut must spend in a small cubicle while traveling the nine months or so to Mars, an official from NASA is in town talking with Cabin Fever patients and survivors. Lieutenant Colonel Chuck Farley, an astronaut training officer at NASA heard about the Cabin Fever epidemic in Bridgeport and hopped a plane early this morning to arrive here by noon.
Lt. Col. Farley said he felt like a kid in a candy story upon arriving in the Cabin Fever wards at Bridgeport General.  He was able to interview five sufferers who have shown improvement. Many Cabin Fever sufferers mistook Farley for Dave Taylor, as the two look very much alike. CHANNEL 1 NEWS caught up with Farley just at the end of his last interview.
"I'm amazed," he said.  "Some of these folks have been through a lot dealing with this fever.  It says a lot about the character of you folks that call this place home year around!  I tell you, I'd be proud to go into space with anyone of the them." To impress potential astronaut trainees, Lt. Col. Farley wore his space walking suit.
Lt. Col. Chuck Farley showing off  his
space walking suit. "It excites the kids"
he said.
" I'm proud to wear this suit when I travel to recruit folks, I'm self equipped. I don't even have to stop to find a restroom,"  he said chuckling.
Farley hopes to recruit at least fifteen new trainees who will easily adjust to traveling in space in cramped quarters.  
Cabin Fever cases may have peaked, as fewer cases have been reported this week.  Farley is offering a free car wash and a mini flag to anyone who listens to his recruiting message.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story all the way to Mars if need be.

HACKERS HACK INTO VICTORIA'S SECRET

HACKERS ARE DEMANDING A HUGE SUM OF MONEY TO KEEP VICTORIA'S SECRET A SECRET

BRIDGEPORT


Mia Grainn, a computer tech at
Victoria's Secret discovered the
problem on Tuesday.
Victoria's Secret on G St. is closed today to let management plan their strategy to maintain their privacy.  Victoria's Secret's spokesman, Lon Geray told CHANNEL 1 NEWS "We're not going to get our panties in a bunch over this because we are not 100 % sure the hackers know what the secret is."
Victoria's Secret's computer system has been shut down while the company's IT Department studies the raw data. The first indication is that the hackers got in through the back door. "This is embarrassing," Geray said. "We thought we had our back door covered."  No further comments were made and news reporters were asked to leave.
In a strange twist to this breaking story, CHANNEL 1 NEWS has learned that Michael Snowden has two credit cards with Victoria's Secret purchases on them. No one is sure how this was leaked, but C1N will follow this story to the end.



Tuesday, February 11, 2014

DAVE TAYLOR JOINS PUTIN IN OLYMPIC VILLAGE TOUR

Vladimir Putin and Dave Taylor were
mobbed as they toured the OlympicVillage.
TAYLOR IS GETTING THE RED CARPET TREATMENT FROM PRESIDENT PUTIN AS PUTIN SEEKS TO CHANGE HIS IMAGE IN THE WEST

SOCHI, RUSSIA

Dave Taylor, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S senior reporter is in demand at the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.  His reputation of being a no nonsense news reporter with a let's party attitude has preceded him and people in high places in Sochi are seeking  him out, the most notable being Russian President Vladimir Putin.
On Monday Putin and Taylor enjoyed a champagne breakfast at Putin's Hotel before being driven to the Olympic Village where they were mobbed by the athletes.  
Putin has been after Taylor to write his biography and make it into a movie script.  He hopes to have Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the lead roll as him as an adult.  Surprisingly he wants Justin Bieber to play the young Putin as a teenager.  Taylor has not agreed to take on this project, instead he keeps requesting a meeting with NSA leaker Edward Snowden, who was granted asylum by Putin last June. So far Putin keeps changing the subject whenever Taylor brings it up.
In an encrypted message to CHANNEL 1 NEWS, Taylor says he has secret videos of Putin moonwalking and dancing Gangnam style in his room after the champagne breakfast.  He hopes to have those on Youtube after the Olympics.  The Sochi Olympics end on February 23rd.  Taylor also says hi to everyone back in the USA. "It's great to be an American!"

Sunday, February 9, 2014

CABIN FEVER SPIKE OVER THE WEEKEND HAS HOSPITAL RECALLING VACATIONING DOCTORS

IN AN ATTEMPT TO SQUASH A RUSH OF CABIN FEVER CASES THIS WEEKEND, GENERAL HOSPITAL BEGAN RECALLING ALL DOCTORS CURRENTLY ON VACATION.  THIS WILL BE PROBLEMATIC IN ITSELF, AS MANY OF THE DOCTORS BEING CALLED ARE VACATIONING DUE TO HAVING CABIN FEVER. 

BRIDGEPORT


Dr.Clinton Wolfgang was vacationing in Maui
when he had to cut short his vacation
and report back to the hospital. 90 hour
work weeks have been the norm for Wolfgang.
Five more cases of cabin fever were reported over the weekend prompting Bridgeport General to cancel all vacations for its physicians.  Dr. Clinton Wolfgang, a five year resident doctor ended a grueling fifteen day work schedule on Thursday and had just arrived in Maui for a much needed vacation when he was called back to help treat a rash of new cabin fever cases.
Wolfgang arrived back at the hospital this morning with extreme jet lag, not knowing what day it was.  He still had his sandals on and was treated for frostbite on his toes.

All totaled, nine physicians were called in to assist  the newly admitted patients.  Dr. Richard Nett, the hospital administrator told CHANNEL 1 NEWS that all doctors would be compensated by having breaks increased from 20 to 30 minutes, with the movie Blue Hawaii playing continuously on the overhead screen in the breakroom.

Many of the new patients coming in to the hospital are coming into the ER with crazed looks on their faces and must be restrained so as to not hurt themselves.  Most are treated with medications not yet approved by the FDA.  Dr. Wolfgang hopes to finish his vacation this June and plans on watching and rewatching Blue Hawaii in the breakroom to get him through the bad times he still has.  "Elvis is a true healer."  he proclaimed just before starting his rounds again last evening.  When one of his patients caught him in the hall and told him how much he was appreciated, Wolfgang responded with "Thank you, thank you very much!"
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will follow this story until Spring Break.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

WOMAN SETS CRYING RECORD THEN DIES

AFTER WINNING THE GUINNESS BROTHERS WORLD CRYING RECORD, LOCAL WOMAN DIES OF DEHYDRATION

BRIDGEPORT

Mavis Dipwell sheds tears of happiness
after winning the world crying record.
Always wanting to set some kind of world record, Mavis Dipwell, 43, of Bridgeport cried herself into the Guinness Brothers World Records book this week after crying twenty-three and half hours a day for nine days, sixteen hours, and twelve minutes. This beat the previous record by eight days, set in 1966 by Question Mark and the Mysterians who recorded the song "96 Tears" to mark that event.

Dipwell, upon winning the record stopped crying for seven minutes and declined a sip of Gatorade before breaking down and shedding more tears of joy due to the win. Noted dehydration expert Delbert Sands, surmised it was this last crying binge at the end that might have caused her death. "She literally had depleted herself of moisture," he added while noting her cracked lips and crusted eye sockets.

She was sobbing uncontrollably as paramedics were called in and not even her brother could get her to stop.  She died as doctors worked feverishly to find a vein in her arm to administer an IV.
Dipwell's brother Augie, 44, told CHANNEL 1 NEWS that he is positive that his sister had died happy after she realized the other records she had also been awarded by the Guinness Brothers.  Those records being, single handedly hand peeling and chopping the most cases of onions at 31 cases, reading and memorizing the obituary pages of 20 newspapers, and for shedding and saving five gallons of tears. The tears are stored in sterilized jars and will be sold to people with Dry Eye Syndrome, with proceeds going to the bank.  Patients with this syndrome should contact the Bridgeport General Hospital for more information.

Dipwell who worked at the Burger Shack as a prep cook, got the idea of going for the world crying record after dicing onions for  Burger Shack's signature Onion Burger.  Burger Shack plans to change the name of their Onion Burger to the Dipwell Burger as soon as new menus are ordered.
Burger Shack plans to rename its famous
Onion Burger to Dipwell Burger in honor
of Mavis Dipwell, world record setter.

Readers are not advised to repeat the actions of Dipwell.


Sunday, February 2, 2014

PUTIAN SUMMONS DAVE TAYLOR FOR MEETING IN SOCHI

AS THE OPENING OF THE 2014 OLYMPIC WINTER GAMES APPROACHES, TAYLOR CHATS WITH RUSSIA'S PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN ABOUT SPORTS, DRUGS, AND ROCK AND ROLL

SOCHI, RUSSIA

Russian President Vladimir Putin leans in
to listen as Dave Taylor explains why he
  likes to wear his AC/DC hat. Putin
offered to buy it, but Taylor
 declined his offer.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S man in Sochi for the Winter Olympics, Dave Taylor, got a surprise yesterday when he got a telephone call summoning him to a meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Putin was in Sochi checking with Olympic security for Thursday's opening ceremony of the games, when he learned Taylor was in town and requested a face to face meeting.

Taylor jumped at the chance to meet with another world figure, the last being Queen Elizabeth during the London Olympic games in 2012.  He accepted the invite and a car picked him up at the hotel around 5:30 P.M. Sochi time yesterday afternoon.  He was driven to an unknown destination, ushered inside, and taken to a special meeting room where two chairs sat in front of an American flag and a Russian flag.

With the aid of an interpreter, the two spent the next two hours sipping vodka gimlets and discussing sports, drugs, and rock and roll.  Putin was especially interested to know who Taylor was rooting for in the Super Bowl and expressed his apologies about the big game being blacked out in the Sochi TV market.  Putin also admitted to Taylor that he, like President Clinton had also tried Marijuana on various occasions, but couldn't remember when.
Putin avoided a question about Edward Snowden by changing the subject to Internet porn and explained how it has overtaken Russia's commercial television viewership .  As the two hour meeting came to an end, Putin promised Taylor an exclusive interview in the weeks ahead, where he would reveal his pick for this year's best movie at the Academy Awards.

Taylor was then taken back to his hotel and dropped off, where he confided to staffers, that he felt like a cheap date.  He looks forward to meeting Putin again however and getting that promised interview.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will broadcast that interview live if possible.