Monday, March 31, 2014

AFTER YEARS OF HARDSHIP AND BAD LUCK, MAN TURNS THINGS AROUND

AFTER LIVING IN A HELL ON EARTH FOR TWELVE YEARS, LOCAL MAN REALIZES WHAT CAUSED HIS SUFFERINGS AND HAS REVERSED HIS MISFORTUNES

BRIDGEPORT

In March of 2002 Ole Moley, 49 of Bridgeport, stepped on a nail while walking barefoot, causing an infection and loss of his right leg below the knee. Two months later a tree fell on his car, destroying it.  At the end of the year he lost his house to a fire.  It proved to be a bad year, but it was only the beginning. The next year his right arm became caught in a carnival ride and was nearly lost. Within a month he was fired from his job, prompting his first wife to leave him.  He wandered about homeless and jobless eventually becoming addicted to drugs. He ended up spending three years in prison for drug dealing.

Ole Moley holds the chain
letter he broke in 2002, which
 haunted him for ten years.
Upon release he decided to start clean and landed a job as a short order cook.  Six weeks into his new job, he met and married a coworker.  Two months later she left him for another and it was shortly after that, he discovered she had left him with a bad case of syphilis.
While being treated for this disease, he was given too much anesthetic and lapsed into a coma. He awakened a year later and to add insult to injury, learned that his penis had been amputated due to his disease.  He was at a new low point in his life and tried to understand why his luck had been so bad over the past years.  Then while getting ready to file papers for bankruptcy, he found a letter in amongst his belongings and knew immediately why life had been so hard on him.

The letter he found was a chain letter he had received back in 2001, warning him of ten years of bad luck if he broke the chain and did not keep the letter going. He threw the letter in a drawer however and broke the chain.  After realizing his mistake, he began to shake and quickly copied the letter knowing he had to get it on its way once again.  Moley told OFF THE WALL news he hasn't experienced any bad luck in over two years since mailing the letter.
"That letter is out there, so be ready to keep it going", he advised.  "Just look what happened to me."
OFF THE WALL will keep you posted.















Wednesday, March 26, 2014

MAN FIRED FROM JOB FOR DRESS CODE VIOLATIONS

LOCAL MAN CLAIMS HE WAS FIRED WHEN HE CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET (NO PUN INTENDED) AND STARTED DRESSING AS HIS TRUE SELF, MAKING THIS CASE RIPE FOR A LAWSUIT

BRIDGEPORT

Kent was not allowed into his work
place after arriving dressed as Superman
On Monday Emy Nent, 54, of South Bridgeport filed papers to have his name legally changed to Clark Kent. On Tuesday he was fired from his job as a grief counselor at a local Funeral Home, when he came to work dressed as Superman.

"I'm being unfairly thrust into the spotlight", a dejected Kent wrote in a letter to the editor.  "I know who I really am and I wanted the world to also know, but not in this manner."  Contacted by OFF THE WALL NEWS and asked to explain his side of the story, he had this to say:  "I've wondered about my true identity ever since becoming an adult.  It just so happened I married a girl named Lois Lane and we named our son Jimmy.  For Christmas one year Lois gave me a Superman outfit and we'd roll play in secret every weekend.  It felt so good jumping off the garage and changing clothes in phone booths, I wanted to come out then and there but my profession, counseling grief stricken people held me back. Then I discovered that when I appeared as Superman, they often looked at one another and began to smile.  That was the clincher for me, I decided to come out as my true self."

Funeral Parlor spokesman Darth Vader
before and after his accident.
Although Kent believes he is being discriminated against, his employer feels differently.  Darth Vader, spokesman for Lucky's Funeral Home said in a prepared statement, "I know what Mr. Nent (he would not use the Kent name) is going through. As a teen I was disfigured in an accident and must wear a black helmet over my face and head. Ever since the Star Wars movies I have suffered because of this.   At work I am known as Mr. V out of respect for our customers and their frightened children.  Someone dressed as a fictional character like Superman has no place in our lobby or grief rooms."  Kent's reaction was, "But I'm not a fictional character!  I'm Me!"

This case will most likely be decided in the courts.  OFF THE WALL will be there from gavel to gavel.


Monday, March 24, 2014

SUPER BOWL OF AWARDS SHOWS PREMIERS TONIGHT

AWARDS FOR THE BEST AWARDS PROGRAM WILL BE AWARDED TONIGHT AT THE AMHERST COLOSSEUM DOWNTOWN BRIDGEPORT, NOMINEES INCLUDE THE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS SHOW AS WELL AS THE OSCARS

BRIDGEPORT

The GBA Award will be
handed out to the best
of the best.
Thanks to the brainchild of a Bridgeport awards fanatic, there will be an awards show of super importance recognizing the best awards shows everywhere. Nominations include, but are not limited to The Academy Awards, The Emmy Awards, Peoples Choice Awards, The MTV Awards, The Country Music Association Awards, The Tony Awards, The Actors Guild Awards, and The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Awards.  The city will be crawling with award hopefuls.

Roger Dingle, 60, formerly of Bridgeport has been in love with the way the performing arts take care of their own by recognizing each other with high achievement awards like the Oscar and the Emmy.  His favorite pastime is watching awards shows and because awards shows have gotten bigger and more sophisticated over the years, he felt it time to recognize the awards shows with their own award.  That award is called the Golden Bubble Award and is made in China.  Each award is hand made and polished with a soft cloth.  There are over sixty GBAs to give out in the allotted two hour program so acceptance speeches will be limited to ten seconds.
OFF THE WALL will be there and sitting up front to bring you any instant surprise updates. 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

BRIDGEPORT NOW LISTED IN THE TOP TEN AVERAGE PLACES TO LIVE

THE CITY POPULATION HAS FINALLY STOPPED DECLINING, ENDING A STEADY DRAIN IN POPULATION THAT HAS PLAGUED THE CITY IN THE PRIOR THREE YEARS, RANKING IT NOW FIFTH OVERALL AVERAGE CITY IN THE U.S.

BRIDGEPORT

Mead E.Oker designed the
official city shirt.
This may be just your average story, but according to Mayor Ben Dover, the city is sitting right where it should be as far as rankings of average cities go.  Bridgeport now has bragging rights after being  selected by the Average Polling Board, as being #5 in the Top Ten Average Cities in the U.S.

After a steady decline in the city's population in 2010-11-12, the mayor credits his "Save The City" campaign for bringing a halt to the exodus.  His idea of putting up billboards around town that read in bold letters, "BRIDGEPORT, JUST YOUR AVERAGE CITY" was just the beginning. Late night television spots were next, showing average looking people doing average normal things.

"It took the fear out of living here." the mayor told a bus load of tourists, who were stranded in town while their bus was repaired.
The mayor also gave credit to his karaoke coach,  Mead E. Oker, 19, for designing a uniform work shirt for city hourly employees. The slogan on the shirt beat out "My Life Is Boring", which was suggested by the Bridgeport City Fun League.

 In a short speech accepting the Average Ranking Award and while eating a vanilla ice cream cone the mayor had this to say, "Today we have stepped into the spotlight, proving that being average is nothing to be ashamed of.  On any average day, there are more average people doing average things than on average, you would care to know about. Being ranked #5 puts us right in the middle of average, any more would be above average any less, below.  Fellow citizens like I've always said, strive to be average and you will be!"
OFF THE WALL news will monitor this story on average for six months.

Friday, March 21, 2014

FIRST ROBIN OF THE YEAR IS SPOTTED!

EXUBERANT BACK YARD BIRD WATCHER SEES FIRST EVER SPOTTED ROBIN, CAUSING BIRD EXPERTS TO FLOCK TO THE BRIDGEPORT

BRIDGEPORT

This photo was taken with a Sam's Club
disposable 35mm camera with a one time
only telephoto lens by Herbie Bell
of Bridgeport.
Professor Datese  Anuff of the Rare Bird Sanctuary in Nester, Wyoming is on his way to  Bridgeport to confirm the sighting of the rarest of the rare birds in North American, the Spotted Robin.  The Spotted Robin spotted in Bridgeport may be one of only three of the birds known to exist.

Early this morning Herbie Bell, 63, of Bridgeport was looking out his kitchen window hoping to see the first robin of the Spring. As he was about to give up, a flutter of wings caught his eye and a bird with the familiar orange breast of a robin landed not 30 feet from his window.
Upon closer look through a telescope, he saw the spots of the Spotted Robin and knew he had not only spotted a robin, but he had spotted a Spotted Robin!  Bell used a one time only Sam's Club 35mm camera, and the disposable telephoto lens that came with it, to capture the photo shown in this story. He then notified local bird watchers, who in turn contacted Professor Anuff.

Professor Datese Anuff, shown here with
his pet Cockatoo, is on his way to see
the Spotted Robin.
As word of the sighting spread, neighbors and early morning joggers alike began flocking to Bell's home in hopes of spotting the Spotted Robin.  OFF THE WALL has set up camp in a tree house next door and will report any new sightings as they happen.






Tuesday, March 18, 2014

"KISS ME I'M IRISH" SHIRT TO BE BANNED AFTER NEAR FATAL INCIDENT

NOVELTY TEE SHIRT WORN BY PEOPLE OF ALL ETHNICITIES ON ST. PADDY'S DAY NEARLY CAUSES ONE YOUNG MAN HIS LIFE AFTER HE IS MOBBED BY A BUS LOAD OF REVELERS WITH KISSING DISEASE

GREAT FALLS

This is a shirt like the one Squealer wore
yesterday before being chased down and'
almost kissed to death.
Tommy Squealer, 33, of Great Falls, Wisconsin is resting comfortably at home today after surviving a horrific ordeal at a St. Patrick's Day parade yesterday.  Squealer, a Polish/Italian got into the spirit of St. Paddy's day by putting on a "Kiss Me I'm Irish" tee shirt.  He even wore a Leprechaun hat, that was lost in the scuffle that ensued soon after Squealer arrived at the parade route.

Squealer told OFF THE WALL reporter Dave Taylor, that after a few green beers, he even felt Irish.  This feeling soon changed to one of fear when a school bus in the parade stopped in front of where he was standing. OFF THE WALL learned, the rented school bus had been painted green for the parade by the Festers Medical Clinic for Disease and was full of patients out for the holiday. Ironically most of the patients on the bus suffered from various forms of Kissing Disease and after spotting Squealer's shirt in the parade crowd, vacated the bus in a frenzy, running  directly at Squealer.
Kiss victim Tommy Squealer shows the
stitches in his lip after be kissed violently. 
Squealer, who weighs upwards of 270 pounds began running, but was no match for the young and eager pursuers. He was caught and immediately felt himself being kissed repeatedly all about his face and lips. His lips took such a beating, they required and received a dozen stitches.

Police were able to free Squealer and subdue  the patients.  Clinic officials were then able to round up the patients responsible and had them back in the clinic by night fall.
The city of Great Falls issued a ban on the tee shirts and by doing so, hopes to ward off being sued by Squealer.  Squealer's only comment was that he never wanted to be Irish again.  OFF THE WALL will keep tabs and report on any updates to this story.



Monday, March 17, 2014

SAINT PADDY'S DAY PARADE GOES WRONG WAY ON ONE WAY STREET, ALCOHOL BLAMED

THE GRAND MARSHALL OF THIS YEAR'S SAINT PATRICK'S DAY PARADE WAS SITED FOR DRUNKENNESS AFTER THE  PARADE HEADS DOWN A ONE WAY STREET GOING THE WRONG WAY, LEAVING PARADE GOERS DAZED AND CONFUSED

BRIDGEPORT

Pat McGroin, Bridgeport's city attorney, city council member, and this year's Grand Marshall of the Saint Patrick's day parade , was arrested for public drunkenness and wrong way parading at 9 A.M. this morning.
Parade goers stood dazed and confused as they saw
the parade coming the wrong way down the street.
Parade goers who like watching a parade from a certain side of the street were taken out of their comfort zone this morning as the parade came down the street going the wrong direction. "Even the bag pipe players were out of step, you know out of kilter!" cried Mike McGoo, a parade goer who tried to get across the street to watch from his favorite side, but couldn't.
Grand Marshall Pat McGroin (L) was sited
for public drunkenness and wrong way parading.

McGroin was arrested, jailed, and then released on his promise to appear in court all before noon. He made a public apology at O'Riley's Irish Keg House just after 1 P.M.  "Everything was goin' fine," he told a crowd of revelers, "until about 8:45 this morning. I got so I was seein' Dublin and sent the floats the wrong way!" That brought a roar of laughter from the drinkers.  The mood got even more festive and McGroin was forgiven with pats on the back, after he bought the house a round of green lager.

As for the parade, it ended up where it should have started, but all involved were happy after being serviced by a keg truck. OFF THE WALL will continue to cover city events like this one, come rain or shine. Happy St. Patrick's Day to all!


Saturday, March 15, 2014

GHOST HUNTERS TRACK GHOST OF ELVIS TO BRIDGEPORT

TWO GHOST HUNTERS HAVE BEEN CHASING THE GHOST OF ELVIS FOR TEN MONTHS AND AMID SKEPTICISM,  BELIEVE IT IS NOW IN BRIDGEPORT

BRIDGEPORT

Ghost hunters Meshitz Shortz and Wher Yu Hidin
were sleepless in Seattle before following a ghost
here to Bridgeport.
Meshitz Shortz  and Wher Yu Hidin, ghost hunters living in Keelung City, Taiwan arrived in Bridgeport last evening frightened, confused, and tired.  Shortz, 36, a former Russian dock worker met Hidin, 28, a Taiwanese dancer, ten months ago at a Seance where they say a Ghost was conjured up.  According to unsubstantiated news reports, the couple recognized the ghost to be that of Elvis Presley.

"The entity appeared to be all shooken up", Shortz told a Taiwanese news reporter.  "It jumped around like feet hurt in blue suede shoes, then jump out window."  Shortz and Hidin knew they had found the King or at least his ghost and thus began the chase.

Hidin took this picture of Elvis's ghost as
he faced Shortz and herself in their hotel
room. An instant later he disappeared into
 thin air.
They followed the ghost across Taiwan and into China, where they lost him.  Two months later the ghost resurfaced in Manila and the now weary duo caught the next flight out.  Once in Manila, they began searching everywhere after learning someone had spotted him crying at a chapel in the ghetto.  A week passed without a sighting, then "Elvis" appeared in their hotel room. Hidin was able to take a picture of him.  "He looked heart broken," she recalls, "and was humming Heart Break Hotel.  We all began to cry and then he was gone once more."

They followed the ghost from Manila to Hawaii where they caught a glimpse of him dancing at a luau and eating bbq pork.  When he saw them he vanished and was not heard of again until he resurfaced a month later in Seattle, Washington.  Shortz and Hidin tried to contact him, but failed.  They now believe that Elvis was upset with them as he howled like a hound dog outside their hotel room all night, keeping them awake and frightened.
That was the last they heard of him until two days ago when they found a message in a bottle saying that he was headed to Bridgeport, Minnesota.  The couple arrived last night and told OFF THE WALL News, they have their suspicions that he is here to see Dave Taylor, Senior reporter for OFF THE WALL News.  Taylor was an avid fan in the late 50s and once bought Elvis a Coke at a concert. Elvis was reported to have been ecstatic and told Taylor, "Hey, too much man! Taylor bowed giving Elvis the thumbs up sign, to which Elvis then curled his lip and said, "Thank you, thank you very much!"
Only time will tell if the King's ghost is in Bridgeport.  If it is, you have nothing to fear.  Sleep well, OFF THE WALL News has you covered!

Friday, March 14, 2014

NUDE COUPLE CRITICALLY INJURED IN FALL FROM TREE

SANCTIONED MEMBERS OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB, COUPLE HAD HOPED TO BE FOUNDING MEMBERS OF A TREE TOP CLUB, INSTEAD THEIR EFFORTS LANDED THEM IN THE  JAILHOUSE INFIRMARY

BRIDGEPORT

Ben Gaye resting after 50 ft.
fall from an Oak tree. He broke
both legs, an arm, and suffered
numerous scratches to his genitals.
Ben Gaye and Margaret McGoo, both 30 of Bridgeport were taken by ambulance last night to Bridgeport General, with multiple fractures, scratches, and bruises.  Gaye's neighbor called police around 11:30 P.M. last evening and reported hearing banging noises coming from a tree in his yard. Police arrived and using a flashlight spotted two naked people near the top of the 50 ft. Oak tree. The beam of light apparently scared the two and they fell to the ground, hitting branch after branch on the way down.

Since both were nude, they were sited for indecent exposure before being loaded into an ambulance for the ride to the hospital.  OFF THE WALL News was able to piece together the following report, after giving anonymity to policewomen Ulanda Harrd, who requested her name not be used. (Due to proof reading errors, her name mistakenly appeared and she will receive our apologies and a $5 gift card to Subway.)

Gaye and his long time girlfriend McGoo had recently been inducted into the Mile High Club. They made a video of themselves having a sexual encounter in the airplane bathroom, at well over five thousand feet. The five minute clip got over 9000 hits on YouTube before their plane even landed.  They were mobbed by a small crowd of admirers at the airport and soon hatched the plan to have sex in the top of a tree.
Everything was going smoothly in the tree until they were attacked by a squirrel.  Gaye was able to fight the animal off before hearing police sirens which ended in them being bathed light. It had taken them close to twenty minutes to climb the tree in the dark and only thirty seconds coming down.  Both Gaye and McGoo are expected to recover and then pay fines totaling $600.
As for the Tree Top Club, Gaye had this to say, "It will have to wait for now, but we'll get it done", he paused and then smiled, "knock on wood."
OFF THE WALL News will be there when it does.



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SCIENTIFIC STUDIES REVEAL MARCHING IS MORE BENEFICIAL THAN ONCE THOUGHT

FROM STRENGTHENING LEG MUSCLES, TO LEARNING TO KEEP IN STEP, MARCHING CLUBS ARE BECOMING WILDLY POPULAR OVERTAKING  TAP DANCE CLUBS EVERYWHERE, OPENING DOORS FOR MARCHING MUSIC COMPOSERS NATION WIDE.   

BRIDGEPORT

When Augburn Fellows of Bridgeport looked out his window and saw a group of his neighbors marching in goose step past his house, he was fascinated.  He ran outside and followed them to the Walmart parking lot.  There he learned they were part of a growing segment of the population that have taken up marching just for the fun of it.  He joined their club, The High Steppers and began attending meetings and practice sessions.  To make matters even sweeter for Fellows, he has been secretly composing march music while his wife sleeps for some time now, and is about to cash in.
The Bridgeport High Steppers marching
club, march three days a week, rain or shine.
Here is another example of the marching craze. Hortense Cortez, 56 of Bridgeport saw a story about it on television and soon she was marching in place while cooking meals.  Her husband called their doctor for help only to be told the doctor was at marching class.  Soon both the Cortezes started marching themselves while watching Marching With The Stars, on tv.
Professor Millie Vanilla is writing a book
about marching and the sexual benefits
that may be enjoyed..
Professor Millie Vanilla of the Bridgeport University explained it this way,  "Every so often something happens that causes people to jump on the band wagon so to speak.  In the case of the marching craze, the information I'm receiving is that it was brought on by the extreme cabin fever this year.  The good news is that it is good for you!  Your leg muscles get a good work out, as well as your heart.  It also promotes team work to march in step.  It also may help in bed."
OFF THE WALL News, known to march to a different beat, plans to follow this craze for as long as it can.  
(Editors note;  Marching With The Stars may not be available in your area yet.  Please call your local provider for information.)

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

MAN GARGLES MEAT AND AMAZES HIMSELF

A BRIDGEPORT MAN WHO CHOKED WHILE DINING OUT DISCOVERS MEAT GARGLING AND BECOMES AN OVERNIGHT SENSATION!
This picture taken by ChokeCam caught Downer
choking  on a 5 oz. piece of steak. A minute later
he was garling the meat.

BRIDGEPORT

Sunday night Hans Downer, 30, of Bridgeport was eating steak at Stu's Steak Shop in downtown Bridgeport when he tried swallowing a huge piece of meat.  It became lodged in his throat and at first he panicked before the urge to gargle overcame him and he was soon gargling loud enough that people at the next table were tapping their feet to the rhythm. 
Downer was able to gargle over a pound of meat during the course of his meal, much to the delight of his wife and restaurant owner Stu Baker, who once almost choked to death on a hot dog.
A video was made of Downer gargling the prime piece of meat and was immediately purchased by the Red Meat Council for viewing on their late night T.V. channel, KMEAT. "I think I've found my niche," said an exuberant Downer.  "I may try gargling other kinds of food.  Who knows, I just might gargle a whole pizza and six pack of beer!"
OFF THE WALL News hopes to follow this story and see what comes up. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

BRIDGEPORT CHOSEN FOR ANNUAL LOSERS CONVENTION, AGAIN!

FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW, CITY WILL HOST LOSERS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY FOR A THREE DAY CONVENTION.  JUST HOW MANY LOSERS CALL BRIDGEPORT HOME  IS UNKNOWN

BRIDGEPORT

Mayor Ben Dover is asking residents of Bridgeport to welcome the hoards of people that will fill our streets this Tuesday through Thursday.  Many of the visitors will be making their first visit and he's hoping to make a good first impression.  Dover told OFF THE WALL News that as a young man, he attended a couple of  Losers rallies in Omaha and it gave him the nudge he needed to do something besides nothing.  At age 34 he moved out of his parents home and started attending Losers meetings around the country and now less than fifteen years later, he is the Mayor of Bridgeport.

A small crowd of convention goers from last year,
mill around in the street between meetings.
Local hotels and restaurants are looking forward to an increase in business from the attendees this year, due to the curb on makeshift shelters and tents. Cooking over open fires has also been banned.  Mayor Dover pushed for these new bans, saying people are made to feel like losers when they are forced to live outdoors.

The convention will be held in the Soldiers Convention Center on Main and 2nd St.  Guest speakers this year include Arnold Schwarzenegger, who will read from his book, "Just When I Thought I Had It Made, My Maid Ratted Me Out".  It is about how he went from being on top to becoming a near loser.  Closing speaker on Thursday will be Mitt Romney who promises to talk directly to the 47% he was talking about during his unsuccessful bid for President.  "There's nothing wrong with being a loser" is the theme of his presentation.
OFF THE WALL News will be there to keep everyone up to date.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

SENIOR CENTER HOSTS 70s PARTY

OWNERS OF THE BRIDGEPORT SENIOR LIVING CENTER WERE HOPING TO RECHARGE  RESIDENTS WITH A 70s PARTY COMPLETE WITH THE LIGHTED FLOOR AND A DISCO BALL, THEY MAY HAVE STARTED SOMETHING ELSE!

BRIDGE PORT, MN.
Grandma X didn't want us to use her real
name because of her bong and the bottle of
Ripple wine she won in the limbo contest.

Of all the ailments being suffered at the Bridgeport Senior Living Center, Boogie Fever has been added to the mix. Friday night brought out the elderly and for a few hours they were young again.  Grandmother Bertie Tittel, who requested that we call her Grandma X to hide her uninhibited actions from her kids and grand kids, was the first to arrive.
In the true spirit of the 70s, the senior community room was transformed into a real life disco, complete with lights in the dance floor and a disco ball overhead.  Grandma X shocked the staff members by unpacking and bringing her  cherished water bong to the party.
"Earl and I partied a plenty with this baby," she said with far away looking eyes, while talking about her late husband, Earl. "I'm hoping to score a little something here tonight."  Later on she ended up winning a bottle of Ripple in the limbo contest.

The party was to start at 6:30 and last until 9 P.M., but there was a  line of wheel chairs and walkers outside the community room well before 6 o'clock.  The staff relented and the music was still booming at 9:30 as revelers danced in a line to the Bee Gee's "Stayin' Alive".   Finally at 10:15 P.M., to the dismay of the crowd still present, the music stopped and flashing lights were turned off by tired staffers.  Grandma X was wheeled back to her room where she was joined by a group of "party animal" residents for an after party.
"We've got my bong, the Ripple, and the radio. Now we're going to party like it's 1999, no wait, like it's 1975! John Travolta eat your heart out!" she blurted out with reddish eyes and a huge grin.

OFF THE WALL will continue to monitor the Senior Center and it's residents.


Friday, March 7, 2014

CITY WRESTLES WITH DAY LIGHT TIME EXTENSION

SUNDAY THE COUNTRY SPRINGS AHEAD ONE HOUR AS DAYLIGHT TIME RETURNS, MAYOR WANTS TO ADD ANOTHER HOUR TO SPRING AHEAD OF THE COUNTRY.

Mayor Ben Dover whose campaign
slogan was "Trust Me" is now in his
second term.

BRIDGEPORT

In what may be his boldest move yet, Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover has asked the city council to approve his idea of moving the clock ahead not one, but two hours this Sunday morning.  At two A.M. Sunday morning all states except Arizona and Hawaii will revert to "Daylight" time and move their clocks ahead one hour.  

Mayor Dover believes that by adding an extra hour, the city of Bridgeport will have a jump on the rest of the country.  "By jumping ahead an hour, other cities will have to follow us. Our stores and businesses will already be up and running when the rest of the country is getting out of bed," Dover said in a meeting with the city council.  "We'll have an hour head start and the rest of the United States will tune in to see what we are doing, to follow our lead so to speak."
His idea was met with mixed emotions at the meeting.  Some council members said they were more in favor of moving the clocks back an hour, putting Bridgeport two hours behind the rest of the country.  Councilman Iken Doolittle told TOTALLY OFF THE WALL, he saw nothing wrong with being a follower.  "If we are behind the country by two hours, we will be able to avoid mistakes being made in other parts of the country, we can learn from their mistakes.  An extra hour in the sac won't hurt either."

Mayor Dover has an uphill battle to get his idea approved in time for the Sunday time change.  He is use to battling however, his last heated argument was pushing for legalization of Marijuana within city hall.  In that skirmish he won the battle, but lost the war.  Marijuana was legalized within City Hall, but it's use is prohibited. TOTALLY OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this story of time change, right up to the last minute.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

OFF THE WALL NEWS REPLACES CHANNEL 1 NEWS IN TAKE OVER

OFF THE WALL NEWS AND DAVE TAYLOR BUY CHANNEL 1 NEWS IN SURPRISE TAKEOVER!

BRIDGEPORT

In a surprise overnight takeover, OFF THE WALL NEWS swallowed CHANNEL 1 NEWS making it the 9715th largest news organization in the world.  C1N stockholders learned of the acquisition  in an impromptu meeting held in the elevator of the Edsel building in downtown Bridgeport.  Although some were devastated, others will be laughing all the way to the credit union.

Channel 1 News stockholders were shocked to
learn of the company takeover by Off The
Wall News.  Some were made rich while others
lost everything.
Dave Taylor, long time Senior Editor and reporter for C1N saw this coming a long time ago and jumped ship in early January, joining the board of OTW in a secret ceremony.  The ceremony was so secret, all present were blindfolded.  Taylor will continue to be the frontman for the news organization and will have better resources to dig deeper for the OFF THE WALL stories lurking about world wide.

OFF THE WALL NEWS promises to bring readers the best of the best of totally off the wall news stories in the future. Sleep well and know that everything you read in OTW just might be true.  Welcome to the new future of news, OFF THE WALL NEWS!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

DELAYED FISH STICK SEASON OPENER CAUSES PROBLEMS FOR LENT

DUE TO THE THICK ICE, THE FISH STICK FISHING INDUSTRY WAS FORCED TO CANCEL OPENING DAY OF THIS YEAR'S FISH STICK SEASON PUTTING LENT IN JEOPARDY

BRIDGEPORT

Capt. Syphilis Bluebird feels
badly for the Fish Sticks.
The unusual cold weather this winter, continues to cause havoc in the area. Fourteen fishing trawlers based on Lake Bridgeport will remain idle a while longer it seems.  On this, the normal start of Fish Stick season, fisherman learned opening day will now be no sooner than April 1.  The reason being the ice on the lake is too thick.  Making matters worse, dead fish sticks can be seen frozen in the ice.
Captain Syphilis Bluebird of the fishing vessel "Shiver Me Timber" told CHANNEL 1 NEWS, "I hate what this damn ice is doing to me ship, but it's the poor Fish Sticks that is sufferin' most, the fish and of course my crew.  An idle crew is worse than a Chinese fire drill."  When asked to explain, he said, "You know, nobody knows what to do."

Church pews emptied as parishioners heard the news of a
Fish Stick shortage in Bridgeport.  Grocery stores became jammed.
The other problem facing the masses is that fish is in high demand during Lent, which started today.  Immediately after the Fish Stick season opener cancellation was announced at this morning's mass, the church emptied and the grocery stores and fish markets in Bridgeport became swamped.

Fish Sticks first became popular in the 1950s when they were discovered in the icy waters of  Lake Bridgeport.  Some species of fish inner breed, but somehow Fish Sticks self-bread themselves, making them a quick and easy meal to prepare.  Their popularity has spread world wide and they are now a huge favorite in Alabama.
CHANNEL 1 NEWS will continue to watch the conditions of the ice and report and changes.

Monday, March 3, 2014

TAYLOR REPORTS GOOD TIMES HAD AT THE OSCARS

AFTER THE OSCAR CEREMONIES LAST EVENING, CHANNEL 1 NEWS'S DAVE TAYLOR HOB KNOBBED WITH THE STARS WELL INTO THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING

HOLLYWOOD

The closest thing we have to royalty (excluding sports figures) in the United States, are movie stars, that elite crowd of actors that we idolize.  Last night's Oscar presentation brought them all together to honor one another and in their midst was Dave Taylor.
Dave Taylor (back row, center) is pictured in a "selfie" with a
group of partying stars. "The parties went on all night," said Taylor.
Taylor flew in Sunday morning after a brief few days in the Tampa Bay, Florida area, where he was on assignment studying the habits of Snow Birds.
A trusted correspondent to the stars, Taylor was picked up at the airport in a bright red limo belonging to Oscar starved Arnold Schwarzenegger. His spirits were high even though he was not in the running this year for an Oscar. Schwarzenegger joked to Taylor, "I had it made, until I had the Maid." According to Taylor, it was a fun ride.
Taylor helps undercover police dispose of a container of suspicious
white powder found near a statue of Oscar.
This year the ceremony was held at the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles and Schwarzenegger's limo dropped Taylor off in the front of the building where workers worked feverously laying the red carpet.  At one point later in the afternoon, he joined undercover police in searching for illegal substances.  Upon finding a large tin of white powder by a large gold statue of Oscar, they emptied the tin into the street.

Taylor had a  fifth row center seat for the actual event, sitting right behind, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  Joining them in a selfie picture was one of the highlights of the evening.
The parties that took place afterward went on until dawn, but according to Taylor, that is a whole nother story, to be reported at a later date.  CHANNEL 1 NEWS will print those stories as they are submitted.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

FUTURISTIC MEDICAL DEVICE CAPTURES IMAGE OF HEADACHES

A BREAKTHROUGH IN HEADACHE IMAGING REVEALS HOW INTENSE AND LARGE SOME HEADACHES REALLY REALLY ARE

BRIDGEPORT


With the help of a Head Hurtz Imaging
Devise, the actual headache can be seen.
The woman in this picture is having a mas-
save headache, which looks like a
 huge stone block on film.
Harlen Hurtz, a freelance cork buyer was suffering a pounding headache last year and as much as he was suffering, no one would believe him.  He told his doctor, it felt like a huge stone block had enveloped his head and was resting on his shoulders.  His doctor snickered and sent him home with a bottle of aspirin.  This prompted Hurtz to prove himself and he set to work creating a device that could actually see the headache and record its image on medical film.

Harlen Hurtz suffers from  headaches
and thanks to his devise, he can now
watch it develop, as shown in this image.
Hurtz, 46, worked frantically after receiving a grant from Walmart and when the first two of his devises exploded in the lab, he was ready to give up.  One week later, the breakthrough he was looking for happened at the onset of another of his monster headaches.  He plugged in his newest prototype and presto, he could see his headache on the device's TV screen!  He was ecstatic and applied for a patient the following day.  He called his invention, the Head Hurtz Imaging Devise.  It works on a new form of technology using sun rays, x rays, and Preparation H.  Hurtz declined releasing further details for fear of copycats.  

Hurtz hopes to have the machine on Walmart shelves by May.  "If you can see the headache, it is easier to treat." he told Dave Taylor of CHANNEL 1 NEWS.  "It even comes with a remote. We are now moving beyond the space age!"