Saturday, April 26, 2014

FORMER DOLL BARBIE IS DOGGING IT UP IN RETIREMENT!

AFTER DIVORCING KEN TWICE,  EXPLORING LESBIAN LIKE URGES, NUMEROUS WEIGHT LOSS DIETS, AND  PLAYBOY'S CENTERFOLD REJECTION BEHIND HER, BARBIE IS TURNING 50 WITHOUT REGRETS AND LOOKS FORWARD TO FINDING THE PERFECT HOT DOG EATING EXPERIENCE


BRIDGEPORT

Barbie was in Bridgeport looking for the perfect tasting hot dog.
The worlds most famous doll, Barbie, is turning 50 this year and has opted for early retirement.   While her former likeness can still be found on store shelves world wide, her petite and youthful features frozen in time, the living, breathing person the doll was modeled after, was in Bridgeport over the weekend searching for the perfect hot dog.

"I'm having the time of my life!" she told a waiter at Bong's Hot Dog Emporium in Bridgeport. "Deep down, I've always wanted to be 50, I've always wanted to be 50 and be able to gorge myself on hot dogs!"
Barbie and her entourage of a facial make up artist,a stunt double, and her personal chef  arrived in town Friday night and were spotted at a brat feed where Barbie was signing autographs. Since retiring, earlier this year Barbie came out of the hot dog closet and confessed on live TV that she is consuming up to a dozen and a half dogs every two days.  "Maybe its the nitrates, I don't know," she told OFF THE WALL news, "but give me a plumper with all the fixings and I'll show you how to bark!"  She admits, she hasn't found the perfect hot dog yet, but she's close.  When not eating hot dogs, she spends her waking hours lying in bed resting up.
Tuesday she is headlining a bratwurst eating contest in Chicago.  OFF THE WALL news will be there to the last bite.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

EXPERTS CONCLUDE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A 'PRETTY GOOD' ALLIGATOR WRESTLER

ALLIGATOR WRESTLING EXPERTS CONVERGED ON BRIDGEPORT THIS WEEK IN HOPES OF ISSUING NEW WRESTLING SAFETY GUIDELINES AFTER LOCAL MAN LOSES A HAND DURING BRIDGEPORT ALLIGATOR DAYS CELEBRATION

BRIDGEPORT

Charlie Horase, 40, learned Tuesday that when it comes to wrestling alligators, being 'pretty good' does not apply.  Horase lost his left hand to his angry opponent in the opening face off between man and beast at Bridgeport's first annual ALLIGATOR DAYS CELEBRATION on Tuesday afternoon.
  
Badzilla was declared winner of the wrestling
match after winning quite handily..
A festive audience gathered at City Square, downtown where they were fed gator burgers and beer before being seated around a makeshift alligator pit.  When the large male alligator named Badzilla was let out of his crate the crowd roared their approval. Then Horase, the local favorite was introduced as the opponent and security had to be called in to settle down the rowdy attendees. As the wrestling match started, one of Horase's fans asked for an autographed picture.  As Horase reached for a pen, Badzilla pounced and chomped off his left hand, bringing a hush to the audience.  The alligator was confined in a corner of the pit and Horase was rushed to the hospital.  In the minutes that followed, Badzilla appeared to enjoy his trophy right down to the last finger.  The judges declared him the winner by a vote of  hands.
 On Wednesday morning a special meeting of alligator wrestling experts met to re-write the rules on   wrestling with an alligator.  "There's no such thing as a 'pretty good' alligator wrestler." was written into the bylaws of the Alligator Wrestling Creed. This joins the other statements already in the by-laws, "There's no such thing as being a 'Not bad' alligator wrestler."  and "There's no such thing as being a 'Promising' alligator wrestler".  There was then a moment of silence to honor the departed alligator wrestlers who were known to have been 'not bad' and 'promising'.  
Charlie Horase

Horase had been wrestling alligators professionally for three months prior to this week's accident and plans tor be back in the pits before Christmas.  He plans to  complete his home study course and hopes to become an expert wrestler. Badzilla is waiting.   OFF THE WALL will follow this story  and keep you posted.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

STAR FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO WENT IT ALONE, NEAR DEATH

FOOTBALL STAR QUARTERBACK WILLIAM "BRONCO BILLY" MALONE BOASTED THAT HE DIDN'T NEED THE REST OF THE TEAM AND FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY THAT FOOTBALL IS A FULL CONTACT TEAM SPORT

BRIDGEPORT

"Bronco Billy Malone remains on life support.

Bridgeport semi pro football quarterback, William "Bronco Billy" Malone is laying on his back in Bridgeport General hospital after being taken off the field on a stretcher in the Sunday Football Spring league opener.
Malone, in yellow helmet, was crushed in the
opening kickoff.
In what was to be billed as the game of the century, the game fizzled out after the opening kickoff when Malone, standing alone in his endzone took the opening kickoff and charged forward into the field of play, one man against eleven.  He made it out to the seven yard line where 980 pounds of thundering tacklers hit him high and low.  Another thousand pounds of players piled on and the ball squirted out to be recovered by the opposing  team.  As the officials blew the play dead the players covering Malone got up one by one, leaving Malone lying motionless on the field.  Those watching on TV had to wait a full five minutes after being whisked away for commercials, to find out if Malone was alright.  As the broadcast came back live, players were still being untangled.  The only thing not flattened under the weight of the pile was Malone's yellow helmet.

Malone made headlines last week when he boasted he was good enough to be a one man team.  This riled his opening season opponents the Bloody Hawks, who vowed to teach him that football is a team sport.
As of this morning, Malone remains in guarded condition in the hospital where his agent is selling "Broco Billy" memorabilia to help defray costs.  "There's a lesson to be learned here", he told kids gathered at his memorabilia table in the hospital atrium. "Sometimes it's best to down the ball and not run it out."

OFF THE WALL news will remain at the hospital to report his condition either way it turns out.