Thursday, June 19, 2014

MAN DIES FROM MULTIPLE HICKEYS

POLICE WERE CALLED BY THE COUNTY CORONER AFTER NUMEROUS HICKEYS WERE DISCOVERED DURING AN AFTER DEATH  ROUTINE CHEST EX RAY....

Hickey's proved fatal for John Raw.
BRIDGEPORT

Johnstone Raw, 26, of Bridgeport died  last week from acute Hickisuckulitious, better known to the layman as a multiple hickeys.
Long thought to be a thing of the past, hickeys are making a comeback in a big way.   "Hickeys are the new tattoo for those that can't afford the tats," said Jean-Luc Debouillet, a noted French kisser. "I use to give the ladies one or two marks on the neck, now they want to be covered in them."

Raw was found dead in his bed with 79 hickeys, in the shape of a heart on his chest.  Suicide was quickly ruled out by local police.  Raw's last known girlfriend, Betty Lickus, was in France learning how to French kiss and was also ruled out as a suspect.

Upon further investigation, OFF THE WALL learned the victim also had multiple hickeys on each of his buttocks.  Investigative officer, Lance Boyal, was quick to agree with reporters that this sort of crime "sucks".

Raw was laid to rest yesterday amid baskets and vases of Tulips.  Anyone with information about this cruel crime is asked to come forward or call 1-HIC-KEYS.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the cows come home.