Thursday, November 27, 2014

VIOLENT PROTESTS BREAK OUT OVER THANKSGIVING DATE CHANGE

TURKEY FARMERS REVOLT, RELEASING HUNDREDS OF TURKEYS INTO THE STREETS OF BRIDGE PORT

BRIDGE PORT

Members of the Bridge Port city council had no idea what sort of chaos they were igniting yesterday, when they voted to move the Thanksgiving holiday to December 20th.  (See OFF THE WALL story dated 11/26/14)  Turkey farmers were one of the first groups to protest when they learned they would have to continue raising their turkeys almost another month.

Turkeys are everywhere!
"My birds are ready now!" shouted Shitzer Brownstool, a Bridge Port turkey rancher, before setting a truck load of the heavy birds free on the edge of town.  "The cost for me to continue feeding these birds another three weeks will cost me any profit I hoped to make.  I my as well let them go free today!"

Shoppers and Thanksgiving celebrants clash
Elsewhere in the city police and firemen were called out to restore peace and extinguish fires set in the street by rowdy Thanksgiving revelers, who were being heckled by early shoppers, out looking for super early deals.  "I've never seen anything like this!" said Maudin Heavan, 68, of Bridge Port, "except maybe last year, only not as bad."

OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to reach the Mayor, who is vacationing in the Bahamas.  He refused to answer any questions, stating it was a holiday. 
If you are celebrating Thanksgiving where you are, have a safe and wonderful day, from all of us here at OFF THE WALL NEWS.


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

CITY HOPES TO REMEDY SHOPPING WOES, MOVES THANKSGIVING TO DECEMBER!

WITH STORES OPENING EARLIER ON BLACK FRIDAY, SOME EVEN OPENING ON THANKSGIVING DAY, BRIDGE PORT IS MOVING THANKSGIVING TO DECEMBER 20TH, MAKING THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS ONE HUGE HOLIDAY CELEBRATION!

BRIDGE PORT

The city council announced last evening, the city of Bridge Port has voted to move the Thanksgiving holiday to December 20th.  In doing so shoppers can shop til they drop without guilt all day Thursday and Friday.  Local merchants are calling this a gift from the Gods, while many others are calling it a dark day for humanity. 
Frenzied shoppers shopped til they dropped last Thanksgiving 
Barney Fife (no relation to the TV character), President of the local Chamber of Commerce, applauded the decision."With stores opening earlier, with some now on Thanksgiving day itself and the fiasco it is causing, moving Thanksgiving to December 20th is the right move," he wrote on his Facebook page. 

          Thawed turkey creates stress          
Others were quick to disagree.  Bea Hinds, 70, of Bridge Port called it a devilish plot to destroy giving thanks and building family ties.  "And to make matters worse, I already thawed out the turkey," she told OFF THE WALL NEWS, while holding a quivering hand to her face.

Bob Upp, 43, of New York City expressed a different concern,  "I bought my airline ticket a month ago and will be flying into Bridge Port on Wednesday night. for what?  Now that they moved the holiday, my family will not be celebrating and plan to be out of town! I'll be all alone.  I'm somewhat P O'd!"
He was told by his airline, to look at the bright side.  He could now fly in on the 19th of December and celebrate two holidays for the price of one flight. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this change of the holiday and see what the federal government will do, if anything, as it is a federal holiday.  "They haven't done anything all year long." Mayor Ben Dover said at a local pub.  "I doubt they will do anything about this.  Happy holidays and happy shopping to all!"

Friday, November 21, 2014

LARGE AGRESSIVE WINTER MOSQUITO SIGHTED IN MINNESOTA


JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO OUTSIDE AT DUSK,  A HARDY RARE WINTER MOSQUITO HAS HATCHED, ONE WITH EXPOSED "PARTS"....

BRIDGE PORT

Winter mosquito shown with "testicles"



Minnesota has long been known for it's mosquito population during the Summer months.  They are somewhat larger than their cousins in many of the lower forty-eight states and in most cases, more aggressive.
Most mosquitoes die during the first frost, leaving behind eggs that will hatch in the warm wet Spring.  This year appears to be different.
Wilbur Ding, 49, of Bridge Port told OFF THE WALL NEWS he was shoveling snow from his sidewalk last evening and uncovered a frozen hollow log.  He went to pick up the log and heard a buzzing sound coming from inside the log.  In the next seconds two large mosquitoes emerged and immediately attacked Ding leaving welts on his face before flying off gorged with his blood. "One of them was definitely a male," he said.  When asked how he knew, he blushed and answered, "That guy had a pair, visible to the naked eye!" 
Wilbur Ding survived mosquito attack

Ding was treated by his wife before catching a plane to Cancun where he sent OFF THE WALL NEWS a thumbs up picture.  Authorities in Bridge Port are warning people to cover up any exposed skin when venturing out doors.  "These hearty mosquitoes mean business!" Mayor Ben Dover said in a safety message to snow lovers.  Local insect police have been put on alert.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

NEW STRAIN OF FLU ATTACKS THE FACE, CAUSING SOME TO SEEK EXORCISMS

FLU STRAIN Hp77 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS TO HUMANS WITH FAT CHEEKS AND ACCORDING TO CATHOLIC CHARITIES MAY JUST START THE NEXT EXORCISM BOOM...

BRIDGE PORT

Buster Dowwn woke up feeling strange.
The first thing Buster Dowwn, 29,  of Bridgeport wanted to do upon seeing himself in the mirror yesterday morning was call an Exorcist.  He was having sexual fantasies about space ships, speaking in a mock German language, wanting to vomit, and had soiled his sheets.  He was sure he was possessed until his mother assured him it was only the flu.  Two aspirin and a belly rub later, Dowwn was well enough to visit the Bridge Port County ER, where he was diagnosed with Hp77 or Rage Flu.

Rage Flu, given the name because of the facial distortions it sometimes causes, is believed to be brought on by under cooked pizza, that has been cut into squares.  This combined with fat cheeks, creates a breeding ground area for the virus to flourish.  Clinical studies have shown that certain people with fat cheeks who have eaten undercooked pizza often fall asleep within one to three hours of gorging themselves.  Brain activity is then monitored showing sharp increases in sexual fantasy dreams.  The heart rate increases to the point the face becomes distorted and the patient wets the bed.  It is at this point that some people fear the worst and summon an Exorcist.

Rage Flu usually runs it's course in just under three to eighteen days.  Although no cure is on the horizon any time soon, it is recommended to stay away from undercooked pizza, especially pizza that has been cut into squares instead of the traditional triangle pie shape.