Sunday, November 16, 2014

NEW STRAIN OF FLU ATTACKS THE FACE, CAUSING SOME TO SEEK EXORCISMS

FLU STRAIN Hp77 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS TO HUMANS WITH FAT CHEEKS AND ACCORDING TO CATHOLIC CHARITIES MAY JUST START THE NEXT EXORCISM BOOM...

BRIDGE PORT

Buster Dowwn woke up feeling strange.
The first thing Buster Dowwn, 29,  of Bridgeport wanted to do upon seeing himself in the mirror yesterday morning was call an Exorcist.  He was having sexual fantasies about space ships, speaking in a mock German language, wanting to vomit, and had soiled his sheets.  He was sure he was possessed until his mother assured him it was only the flu.  Two aspirin and a belly rub later, Dowwn was well enough to visit the Bridge Port County ER, where he was diagnosed with Hp77 or Rage Flu.

Rage Flu, given the name because of the facial distortions it sometimes causes, is believed to be brought on by under cooked pizza, that has been cut into squares.  This combined with fat cheeks, creates a breeding ground area for the virus to flourish.  Clinical studies have shown that certain people with fat cheeks who have eaten undercooked pizza often fall asleep within one to three hours of gorging themselves.  Brain activity is then monitored showing sharp increases in sexual fantasy dreams.  The heart rate increases to the point the face becomes distorted and the patient wets the bed.  It is at this point that some people fear the worst and summon an Exorcist.

Rage Flu usually runs it's course in just under three to eighteen days.  Although no cure is on the horizon any time soon, it is recommended to stay away from undercooked pizza, especially pizza that has been cut into squares instead of the traditional triangle pie shape.

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