Thursday, December 31, 2015

SURVEY FINDS MOST STORIES REPORTED BY O.T.W.N. OVER THE TOP FOR MOST READERS

THE O.T.W. NEWS ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN ASKED TO BECOME MORE "MIDDLE OF THE ROAD" AND REPORT STORIES LESS "OFF THE WALL"

BRIDGEPORT

OFF THE WALL NEWS'S  co-founder, senior anchor, and reporter Dave Taylor took what Taylor said "felt like a punch in the gut" this morning, when an independent survey reported that his news organization is reporting news beyond the scope of what readers want.  According to the survey, yet to be published due to its colorful language, many readers feel shock and awed from the off the wall stories dug up by Taylor and his crack team of investigators.
"We are giving them pure chocolate and they want vanilla!" Taylor said while holding his head
A flabbergasted  Dave Taylor 
in a face to face conference with his image in a mirror. "I just don't get it."
He quickly canceled a New Years Day story that was to be published early next year (tomorrow), having to do with a pregnant nun and her identical twin sister. "The pregnant nun wasn't sure who the "father' was while her sister did and it got complicated from there."

Taylor plans to take a few days off, his first in ten years, and debate his options.  "Its been a long time since I used my brain to think vanilla." he admitted.  "But I'll come up with something even if its peanut brittle."

OFF THE WALL NEWS wishes everyone a Happy New Year and promises to be back in 2016 with....whatever!.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

OFF THE WALL NEWS WINS ACADEMY AWARD OF NEWS REPORTING FOR THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR

DAVE TAYLOR AND HIS CRACK TEAM OF NEWS REPORTERS SWEEP THE AWARDS WITH TWO WINS OVER THEMSELVES, A FIRST FOR THIS OR ANY NEWS ORGANIZATION....

HONDURAS

 Taylor and his news team came dressed as Star Wars characters
OFF THE WALL NEWS took top honors in Honduras on Saturday, in the Academy Awards of Special News Reporting category for 2015.   OTWN was tied with itself for the top two spots in the Special Reporting category and was able to edge itself out to win the top award.

Senior reporter and anchor Dave Taylor and his crack team of reporters, arrived at the ceremony's red carpet, dressed as Star Wars characters chanting, "We are the news force!" This coincidentally coincided with the latest Star Wars movie "The Force Awakens" which just opened last week.

"We at OFF THE WALL NEWS are pretty lucky sometimes." Taylor told a food vendor working the awards program. "I just heard about the movie after I rented our costumes, I hope to see the movie soon."
Taylor went on to say that OFF THE WALL NEWS reporters were not out to draw attention to themselves, but enjoyed being storm troopers for the night.  The "storm trooper" reporters refused to remove their helmets in order to remain "anonymous.  Only Taylor exposed his face.

There was a celebration party held after the award ceremonies in the OFF THE WALL NEWS bus, which had been made over to resemble a New Order Battalion Star Cruiser.




Saturday, December 19, 2015

NEW STAR WARS MOVIE TO PLAY IN BRIDGEPORT'S MINI THEATER

DECISION TO BRING NEW STAR WARS MOVIE TO BRIDGEPORT DESPITE SIZE OF THE THEATER WAS MADE AFTER VEILED DEATH THREATS....

BRIDGEPORT

The Mini View Theater
Star Wars fans began lining up early this morning in front of the 19 seat Bridgeport Mini View Theater after the theater owners buckled to fan demands.  The Mini View  theater (formerly the Peeping Tom Theater) was opened in 2010 to allow showings of adult films.
Theater owner, Jack Handy agreed to show the new Star Wars after getting veiled death threats.  The theater plans to show the film 915 times before New Years day in hopes of breaking even.
"I hate it." said Handy, "but I'm going to have to charge $22. for a small popcorn and Coke just to defray costs.  OFF THE WALL News plans to review the movie in coming days.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

MAN TRYING TO SWALLOW A FROG GETS IT STUCK IN HIS THROAT

ACTING ON A DARE MAY COST STUDENT HIS LIFE, DOCTORS FEAR IF THEY CAN'T REMOVE THE FROG, HE MAY CROAK.....

BRIDGEPORT

Pinky Cheeks  college ID photo
Friends of Pinkerton (Pinky) Cheeks, the Bridgeport University student now in the hospital ICU, say he was always one to try something new.  When someone dared him to swallow the dorm mascot, Kermit the frog, he "jumped" at.
The frog, said to be about the size of a man's clenched fist, barely fit into Cheek's mouth, but after bathing the creature in cooking oil, it slid in quite easily.   According to eye witness accounts, this is when the frog began to show its unwillingness to be swallowed.
After a five minute struggle between Cheek's tongue and the slippery mascot, the frog became logged firmly in Cheek's throat.  Cheeks panicked after being unable to cough up the frog and paramedics were called.
Upon arrival by the paramedics, more confusion took place.  They were told a student had a frog in his throat.  This made them think someone was playing a prank on them.  Once they saw that Cheeks indeed had a frog in his throat, they began assisting his breathing.
Cheeks arrived at Bridgeport General and was placed in the ICU, where he still was as of this report.
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will stay on this story until the final outcome.  What makes this story different said fellow student, Wally Cleaver, is that many frat members are praying for the frog to pull through.


Saturday, December 12, 2015

TRUMP TO BE BANNED FROM BRIDGEPORT OVER TACO DISPUTE

IN A SECRET BALLAD, CITY COUNSEL VOTES 4 TO 0  TO KEEP TRUMP FROM ENTERING THE CITY LIMITS  OVER HIS LATEST DECREE BANNING TACOS.....

BRIDGEPORT

In one of the most spirited city counsel meetings in months, members voted on Friday, to ban Presidential hopeful Donald Trump from stepping one foot into the city limits of Bridgeport. The voting took place after after city officials learned of Donald Trump's wanting to ban tacos as a way to dishearten illegals, causing them to want to return to Mexico.
"It is a downright outrage!"local businessman and counsel member Iken Doolittle stated to customers at his downtown  Hole In The Wall restaurant. "What would we call Taco Tuesday, if tacos were banned?"
Counselman Iken Doolitttle
Doolittle, fearing his Tex Mex restaurant would suffer if the ban were to become law, called for a special city counsel meeting. Mayor Ben Dover returned from a business trip in the Bahamas to call a special meeting to order, last evening.

The discussion was more facial expressions than words after the counsel watched news video of Trump talking about tacos.  OFF THE WALL news was able to obtain a portion of the video.
"We may not have to build that wall I've been telling you about." Trump can be heard saying in a speech at a laundromat.  "I'm a builder, but I'm also a thinker and I think we can get all the illegals to leave if we take away their favorite food.  I'm going to ban tacos!  Don't get me wrong, I love tacos, some of my best friends like tacos, hard shell, soft, it makes no difference.  You can love em, but they gotta go!  Bye, bye taco and burrito too!  I'll ban them my first day in office!"

After a very brief discussion and a round of tequila shots, a  vote was called and passed on first reading.  City Attorney, Shurwill Sueya will begin working on a draft that will ban Donald Trump from entering the city limits of Bridgeport and once completed will be signed into law by the Mayor.
"Banning Tacos? That's un American!" Doolittle  proclaimed as the special meeting ended.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

DAVE TAYLOR AUTHORS SELF HELP BOOK TEACHING OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS

OFF THE WALL NEW'S SENIOR ANCHOR AND REPORTER CLOSE TO RELEASING HIS SECOND SELF HELP BOOK IN TWO WEEKS.....

BRIDGEPORT
12/2/15

Many of his distractors have been saying he's going to the dogs for years and this week Dave Taylor is out to prove them right!  A dog lover since he was a pup himself, Taylor started putting together 101 new tricks to teach to old dogs everywhere.
"A dog is never too old to learn a new trick" Taylor told a group of water hydrant painters at a town meeting recently.  Many laughed until he brought out his dog, Mitch. Taylor then produced a small bag of dog poop and it let drop onto the floor. Mitch howled and waited for Taylor's command. "Clean it up!" Taylor said with a clap of his hands. Mitch ran off stage and came back with a tiny broom and shovel and started cleaning up the mess, wagging his tail as he did so.
The crowd of hydrant painters was ecstatic and gave Mitch and Taylor a round of applause.
"That trick my friends, is trick number 47 and can be found on page sixty of my book.  Trick 48, is very similar, in that Mitch uses a wet mop for those times he doesn't make it outside in time and dribbles all over."

During a Q and A period, Taylor was asked what he considered the most difficult trick to teach an old dog to do. Taylor thought a moment and then replied, "Well for me, it is teaching a dog to sit."

Taylor's book will be available soon in book stores for $25 in a chew proof cover.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

MAN WITH TWO LEFT FEET IS OUT OF STEP WITH THE WORLD

LOCAL MAN'S DREAM OF BECOMING A PROFESSIONAL PARADE MARCHER IS QUICKLY FADING AS HE JUST CAN'T GET IT RIGHT...

BRIDGEPORT


Hardy Harr's two left feet
Hardy Harr, 27, of Bridgeport feels like he's been kicked in the teeth.  "All I've ever wanted to do is march in a marching band," Harr told OFF THE WALL news reporter Dave Taylor. "But I just can't keep in step due to the fact I have two left feet, I can't hide it anymore."
This is the has been an emotional roller coaster for Harr.  On Monday of last week, Harr's wife of three months left him after learning of his left footish ways.  "She just kept telling me, it's not right, it's not right!" Harr said.  "Then she packed up her Nikes and left me."
All this took place after he was outed from his position as lead drum major for the Bridgeport Marching Madmen, the professional marching band that hopes to march in this years Thanksgiving Day parade.  OFF THE WALL news contacted the headquarters for the Marching Madmen and was told that Harr was relieved of his duties after constantly leading the band into the oncoming lane of traffic.  When they learned of his two left feet, he was drummed out of the band.

Harr had hoped to overcome his left footedness when he joined the Marching Madmen in 2014.  He quickly impressed the leaders of the Madmen by always starting out using his left foot.  Little did they know that he could't get it wrong.  In the end Harr couldn't stop from leaning left, drawing the entire group into lane of oncoming traffic..
As of this writing, Harr has committed himself to learning to polka barefooted.  "I want everyone to see my feet before making judgement."  he remarked as the sound of a tuba rump bump bumped in the back round.  "If this don't work, I'm going to become a left footed field goal kicker."

OFF THE WALL news will be watching this story for our readers and report any updates.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

BRIDGEPORT CLINIC SEEKS GRANT TO STUDY GOOSE BUMPS

A GOOSE BUMP MAGNIFIED 500 TIMES REVEALED A TINY FACE, STARTLING RESEARCHER

BRIDGEPORT

A dermatologist at the Bridgeport Clinic made a startling discovery over the weekend when she magnified a goose bump 552 times and came face to face with another face.  Dr. Neata Bang, a doctor on loan to the clinic from the Bulgarian Institute of Skin Studies, was experimenting with a volunteer who had been sitting in a tub of ice water and watching a video of the movie JAWS.
A magnified goose bump shows a tiny face.  Named Boo!
"My subject was reacting exactly as I had hoped," Dr. Bang told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "At first there were lots of shivers and then uncontrollable shaking.  Goose bumps appeared just as the giant shark in the movie grabbed the boat's captain, pulling him into the water.  Volunteer number 809 was quickly pulled out of the tub and I began photographing the goose bumps.  It was amazing to say the least. Some were the size of a dime!"
After photographing the goose bumps, a lab assistant of Dr. Bang helped the volunteer into a warming chamber, to help get the uncontrollable shaking under control.
"The photos were very clear and I decided to magnify a goose bump for a close up look," Bang said.  "What I found when I did that, caused the hair on the back of my neck to rise and brought about goose bumps of my own!  I came face to face with a tiny face on that goose bump!"

Dr.Neata Bang
Dr. Bang informed her superiors at Bridgeport Clinic of her discovery and they immediately filed for a grant to study this new phenomenon.  Bang was given the distinction of giving the tiny face a name.  She called it Boo and hopes to make contact with the little goose bump as soon the the grant is approved.  "This may be a whole new life form!" she added.

OFF THE WALL NEWS will be on hand when and if contact is made with the goose bumps.



Saturday, October 10, 2015

HARD CORE PARTIERS CELEBRATE PARTY NUMBER ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND

EVEN OFFICIALS FROM RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT, COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!  BRIDGEPORT COUPLE PARTIES THE NIGHT AWAY FOR THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH TIME....

BRIDGEPORT

Albert and Edna Fuzzy of Bridgeport like to party.  They've partied thousands of times.  Friday night they partied for their one hundred thousandth time and broke a record. On hand to record this unbelievable event were the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe It or Not, both world re-known for recording and authenticating extremes of the natural world.   
OFF THE WALL NEWS was given exclusive rights to this story.

Albert and Edna, Friday night in an O.T.W. selfie picture
Attendees of the Friday night dance club, knew something was up when limos arrived just after 9 P.M. filled with officials from the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe It or Not.  Thinking it was to be a dance contest, the band named Squawk, a Doors cover band, picked up the pace with the song, "Light My Fire".  The room lights flashed and a fog machine belched out puffs of smoke as some in the crowd of 101, began murmuring that John Travolta must be about to make an appearance.  That rumor faded as the night wore on.  The band did a perfect cover of "People Are Strange" before breaking into "L.A.Woman" just after 11 P.M.  That is the exact moment Albert and Edna Fuzzy, long time residents of Bridgeport, came through the doors, hands in the air and pumping their fists to the beat of the music!  As Dave Taylor said later, "You had to be there!"
Albert and Edna, back in the day
As the band played and the crowd danced, you could feel the floor going up and down and you couldn't help but wonder if everyone would crash down into the basement soon.  At midnight an announcement was made about the Fuzzys being at their one hundred thousandth party and the place erupted with wild jubilation.  Free drinks were given out and the band agreed to play until daylight.

During a break in the action, Dave Taylor asked the couple how they got together.  "We met at a party." Giggled Edna. "He had this huge black Afro hair style and told me he wanted to party like it was 1999, it was 1969 and I thought, he is groovy!"
"Is that how you remember it?" Taylor asked Mr. Fuzzy.
"Man I thought it was 1967, but I don't remember a whole lot about that day.  Edna had a couple of points about her I wanted to explore and we've been exploring together ever since."
"Some in the crowd tonight thought you looked like Colonel Sanders in your white suit, what do you say about that?"  Taylor asked.  "He made some good bird!" was Fuzzy's reply.
The Fuzzys hope to party on for the foreseeable future and as they do, OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.






Wednesday, October 7, 2015

STICKMAN FOUND ALIVE IN LOG JAM !!!

JUBILATION ERUPTS AS FAMED STICK MAN CHARACTER, FEARED LOST IN A HUGE LOG JAM IS FOUND SAFE, CLINGING TO THE INSIDE OF A KNOTHOLE.


BRIDGEPORT

Red arrow points to where Stick Man was found
Word spread quickly early this morning, when famed character Stick Man, who had been reported lost in a log jam and feared dead, was found very much alive. 

Inkey Wells, 75, of rural Bridgeport, had gone down to the river to look for beavers and watch the log jam float by, when he heard a tiny cry for help, coming from a passing log.  Wells grabbed his binoculars and quickly located the tiny Stick Man waving at him from a knothole in one of the logs.  After shouting for his wife to join him, they called the authorities and help was soon on the way.  The log Stick Man was found on, had traveled two miles down river from where he was last seen yesterday by Bridgeport resident, Art Fisher.
"I'm elated!" Fisher told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "I didn't think I would ever see him again, but now that he has been found alive, those feelings have been erased!"
Close up view of Stick Man in knothole
An elite team of log jam divers arrived at the scene just past eight A.M. and after waiting for various news media to arrive also, quickly moved in to rescue Stick Man.
"As it turned out, he made the journey in pretty good shape, considering the dangers he faced" one bystander was quoted as saying.  Another replied, "Yeah that guy has had some hard knocks in life, but it's plane to see, he's tough and you don't want to rub him the wrong way."
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will continue to follow this story if warranted.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

FAMED STICK MAN FEARED LOST IN LOG JAM

THE MOST NOTABLE CHARACTER NEXT TO SMILEY FACE, STICKMAN WAS SWEPT AWAY IN A GIANT LOG JAM MONDAY.... FEARED LOST

BRIDGEPORT

Stick Man, in recent photo
Art Fisher, 43, of Bridgeport, cried for the first time in thirty years on Monday. His favorite character of all times, Stickman, age unknown, was literally swallowed up in a log jam on the Big Fuchin (Fu Chin) River. 
"I can't believe it!" Fisher cried.  "I took him down to the river so he could see where his ancestors came from and before I could stop him he jumped onto a log and tried to make his way across the river."

Sheriff department officials were called, but there was little anyone could do, as the log jam in the river made rescue attempts almost impossible.  Mr. Fisher made one last frantic attempt to rescue the tiny bark covered figure, but failed when the pole he was using snapped in half before Stickman could grab it.  "I saw his little round face," Fisher told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Expressionless as always, but it was obvious, he didn't want to be shredded between the much larger logs. My pole snapped just as he grabbed for it and in the next instant, he was pulp! It was just awful!" 
Fisher's last frantic attempt to rescue Stickman from the log jam
Further investigation showed that the wood looking pole Fisher was using was really made of plastic and came from China. Upon hearing this, Fisher became so upset, he had to be sedated and buckled into the back of his van.

Officials plan to drag the river next Spring for the little stick figure and if he did somehow survive, hope the log jam didn't take him down river.  OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be there to report the latest.


 


Friday, October 2, 2015

OFF THE WALL NEWS DECLINES PRESTIGIOUS NEWS REPORTING AWARD

NOT TO BE INFLUENCED BY MAIN STREAM NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, OFF THE WALL NEWS REFUSED ON THURSDAY, TO ACCEPT THE PEABODY ROYAL DEFECATE AWARD FOR NEWS REPORTING.  DAVE TAYLOR WAS ON HAND TO REFUSE THE AWARD

BRIDGEPORT

Royal Defecate Award
Twenty six times each year the International News Association gathers in one place or another to shower the top news reporting organizations with trophies and awards. The I.N.A., second only to the Country Music Awards (televised each time an artist releases a new record), met in Bridgeport to bestow honors on OFF THE WALL NEWS.  Much to the dismay of the I.N.A. Dave Taylor took to the podium, thanked his peers, and then refused the honor and coveted Royal Defecate Award.  "From the bottom of my heart, thank you, but no thanks" Taylor told a shocked and silent crowd, " We here at OTWN can not receive awards for what we report.  Our reporting is for the good of our readers and we cannot allow ourselves to be influenced by the national news media."

Dave Taylor at podium declining award
Earlier in the day, in a flurry of last minute voting, OFF THE WALL NEWS received all thirty six votes and top prize for last year's breaking story about how some in the pizza industry are vilifying themselves by cutting pizza into square pieces instead of the traditional pie shape. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS declines trophies and awards each month from various news seeking organizations.  The Glue Sniffers of America invited Dave Taylor to speak at their annual convention in Des Moines last month. "Only when we become sleazy, will we accept awards" Taylor told the group of glue sniffers. "We want our news to be unbiased, open, and well, off the wall.  That's what you'll get if you stick with us!" 
He did accept a bottle of glue however, as a parting gift.


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

TRUMP SEEKING NORTH KOREAN LEADERSHIP ROLE

TRUMP ANNOUNCES HIS BID TO UNSEAT KIM JUNG-UN IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE TO BECOME THE LEADER OF NORTH KOREA

PUTANG

Donald Trump the billionaire real-estate, reality TV star, recently turned politician, and U.S. presidential candidate, has shocked the news media once again.  With his numbers dropping in the poles and after reading the recent story in OFF THE WALL NEWS about North Korea's attempt to send a man to the sun, he has decided to run for the highest office in the rouge nation.

Trump billboard in Pyongyang
"That guy over there", Trump declared to a delegation of news reporters, "Kim Jung-Un, the leader of North Korea, you know, the one with the funny hair, he's nuts! I've heard he can be a nice guy, and I'm sure he is.  We could probably be great friends, I mean look at Dennis Rodman, we're friends.  Dennis was on my show, Celebrity Apprentice, he's good friends with Kim Jung-Un, great friends. But sometimes even your friends are nuts, right?  Am I right?  I'm right and I know it. Those people over there need a new leader and who would be better than me?  No one!"

Trump then had his team project a picture of one of his billboards recently put up in the capital city of Pyongyang.  "Here is one of the billboards, like the ones all over North Korea, that is treating the people there to a great face.  It reads, I'm the Donald and I want to make North Korea great again!"

When asked how he would do that, he replied, "I have a plan and its a great plan.  I've shown it to Dennis Rodman and he agrees with me, its a great plan. I would tell you how the plan works, but then Kim Jung-Un would take it and use it before me, so I'll be closed lip for now."   He then changed the subject.  
"Did you read in OFF THE WALL NEWS how they sent some poor guy to the sun and his ship burst into flames?  I've been told the guy didn't make it.  To me, that was a poor leadership decision.  They need new leadership in that country, people who are smart, people that can land a man on the sun without getting fried.  I'm that leader!  I am a bright as the sun only dimmer." 
He was then whisked away without taking any more questions.  




Monday, September 28, 2015

NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES ROCKET SHIP, SENDING MAN TO THE SUN

LONG TIME SKEPTIC OF CLIMATE CHANGE, NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN SENDS A VOLUNTEER ASTRONAUT TO THE SUN

PICNIC ISLAND

In a stunning announcement Sunday, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un told OFF THE WALL NEWS that the country of North Korea  had sent a "volunteer" astronaut on a mission to the sun to prove it is "hotter there, than here". 
Kim Jung-Un
"Climate change like what the United States is claiming is false!" Jong-Un proclaimed as he rubbed sun screen into his face. "We have sent a man to the sun to prove it is hotter up there in space than here."

The mission was to have began in mid August when a North Korean  resident was chosen in a lottery to become the first man to the sun.  Ho Lee Fuk, 29 was chosen because of his dark complexion, making him, according to Jung-Un, the perfect candidate.  Fuk was launched skyward on August 12th, sitting high a top of a North Koran rocket in a capsule named QuJung 1 which translates loosely to Crisp 1.  

Ho Lee Fuk in a selfie with the sun
North Korea's mission control reported all was going well until the ship passed the point of no return on Sunday.  Fuk reported that his sun glasses were not working as promised and his eyes were burning, requesting to return to Earth.  The request was denied and less than four hours later the ship burst into flames, as excessive heat caused the Crisp 1 to explode. 

"This is proof that the climate out there is hotter than on Earth" Kim Jung-Un boasted.  "In Mr. Fuk's honor, I have named a sun tan lotion after him."  The sun screen Ho Lee Fuk is now available in all North Korean drug stores and is rated a protection rating of 502, for the exact time his capsule exploded.  OFF THE WALL NEWS hopes to verify this story with our reporters north of the DMZ.  Dave Taylor may travel to Picnic Island to investigate.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

DAVE TAYLOR IS A DRIVING FORCE IN THE POPE'S VISIT TO D.C.

DAVE TAYLOR TAKES THE WHEEL OF THE POPE MOBILE AS HE ACCOMPANIES THE PONTIFF THROUGH THE STREETS OF WASHINGTON D.C.

WASHINGTON D.C.

Not since Spartacus or Ben Hur traversing the streets of ancient Rome, has there been such a spectacle as Pope Francis riding his Pope mobile down the streets of D.C. in a vehicle driven by OFF THE WALL NEW'S Dave Taylor. 
Pope Francis is driven by Dave Taylor as crowds cheer.
Taylor who flew in with the Pope from Cuba, was honored to drive the Pope's vehicle when it was learned the Pope's regular driver, Iia Getarounda, was unable to drive the vehicle because the vehicle was a stick shift and not an auto-matic transmission.

"This was a dream come true!" Taylor told fellow reporter, Clark Kent, who flew in for this event.  Taylor stopped the Pope mobile three times as the motorcade made its way down the crowded avenue.  Twice to let Pope Francis interact with the throngs of people, and once to go through a McDonald's drive thru for a Big Mac and fries. "The Pope couldn't wait to do that."  Taylor told Kent.  "Francis kept after me to watch for a McDonalds so he could realize his dream of scarfing down a Big Mac with cheese.  Only in America, he told me!" 
The motorcade then made its way to the Pope's residence in Washington D.C. where the Pope and Taylor will be staying for the remaining time in the capital.   Taylor promises more reports in the coming days.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

POPE ARRIVES IN U.S. ACCOMPANIED BY DAVE TAYLOR

THE POPE ARRIVES IN UNITED STATES WITH CLOSE FRIEND DAVE TAYLOR, WHO HAD ACCOMPANIED HIM ON HIS FLIGHT FROM CUBA

WASHINGTON D.C.

Pope Frances and close friend Dave Taylor arrive in D.C.
The Pope's plane landed moments ago to the cheers of well wishers as far as the eye could see.  As the plane's door opened and the Pope emerged, OFF THE WALL'S  Dave Taylor could be seen in the hatchway.  The two have become good friends in the last few months, even though Taylor is not a Catholic.  "We just jive!" said Taylor at a recent chug fest at O'Mally's  bar in Bridgeport.

The Pope met President Obama, who was waiting to greet him.  The two exchanged pleasantries and then Obama, looking up at Taylor, gave him a thumbs up.

OFF THE WALL NEWS  will follow the Pope and report all relevant news in upcoming reports.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

BADLY DAMAGED BOAT NAMED S.S. MINNOW FOUND ON DESERTED ISLAND

SKEPTICS ARE CALLING IT A HOAX, WHILE OTHERS SAY THE BEACHED WOODEN BOAT PROVES THAT THE 1960s SITCOM GILLIGAN'S ISLAND SPOOF, WAS IN FACT THE FIRST EVER TRUE LIFE REALITY TV SHOW.  HUMAN REMAINS WERE FOUND NEARBY


GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

S S MINNOW
Self proclaimed treasure hunters, Scabs Matter and Peter Goesinya, both 35, of Bridgeport, say they stumbled upon the grounded wreckage of a wooden 32 ft. cabin cruiser, while partying on Gilligan's Island, an uninhabited island off Baja.  Both men said it was a dream come true to make such a discovery.  Both admitted to having to pinch each other to make sure they weren't hallucinating. 

In an exclusive interview with OFF THE WALL NEWS, Goesinya said the two men had been looking for the lost boat for the past ten years or so.  "My Aunt Bea was a huge fan of Gilligan's Island when it was on television back in the sixties.  I remember watching it with her as a child and seeing her get caught up in the excitement of the shipwrecked survivors on what was called Gilligan's Island.  She always told me it was a true story, even though my parents assured me it wasn't."
Upon reaching adulthood, Goesinya and his best friend Matter, decided to start searching deserted islands for the lost vessel, if indeed there was one.  When asked what prompted him to take on such an undertaking he replied,  "Well, you know my parents had assured me it was only just a TV show.  They also assured me that marijuana was not cool.  When I found out they were not telling me the truth about pot, I immediately started looking for the S S Minnow."
Along with the beached boat, the two men also found an abandoned campsite with what looked like human remains.  It was then they radioed out for authorities to come and authenticate their discoveries.  
 
"Little" Buddy Gilligan

When word spread of the the discovery on Gilligan's Island, Buddy Gilligan of Hollywood, Tennessee came forward, claiming to be a child of one of the survivors on the show.  Records show his mother's name was Ginger Grant.  "My mother told me as a child, that she wasn't sure who my father was so she didn't know whether to name me Skipper, Prof, Howlly, or Little Buddy.  I chose Buddy after watching the reruns on TV Land.  "I'm hoping a DNA test of the remains will tell me who my true father is."  When asked how he got separated from his mother, he said he couldn't remember.  OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to search old records and discovered that Gilligan was found floating in a rubber raft off the coast, when he was six years old.
As more of this story comes to light, OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there. 
 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

TRUMP HOSTS PARTY TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE WALL

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER LETS HIS HAIR DOWN AND THROWS A  DOWN AND DIRTY PARTY FOR HIS TEA PARTY FRIENDS

MARATHON, IA

The Donald with his new Do hopes to silence scoffers.
Donald Trump the leading Republican candidate for President, showed off his new look at a mud wrestling fund raiser near Trump's adopted Iowa hometown of Marathon.  He was met by a troop of reporters, who were given permission to camp in the town's park on the west side of this burg of two hundred or so people.  Trump's helicopter, Trump One, landed on Main Street just before noon Saturday, causing the fifteen or so patron's of Ike's Job Site, the local bar, to come spilling out onto the street to get a glimpse of Trump. 
As Trump exited the copter,  some mistook him for former Led Zeppelin front man, Robert Plant.
A small crowd quickly surrounded him, made up of the national media and local autograph seekers. 

Trump quickly took to the meeting by tossing his hair back from his face.  "I hope you like it!" he yelled.  "And before you ask, all I did was wash it, towel dry it a bit, and let it set itself.  What do you think?" 
"Daddy's girl", Ivanka Trump
There was a small bit of applause and then someone from the rear yelled, "It looks like Robert Plant's hair."  Trump turned to one of his security men and said, "Get that ass hole out of here! and then addressed the small crowd.  "Just to clear up any confusion, and I know there is some confusion, this is my real hair.  My daughter Ivanka, you know Ivanka? Blonde, blue eyes, really big, a I won't go there.  If she wasn't my daughter, I'd, I won't go there either. My daughter Ivanka, is one of my biggest supporters and she knows how to get me to let my hair down.  I'm glad she does because I like it, I really, really do.  I didn't come here today to talk about my hair though, even though I like it and Ivanka likes it, I came here today to attend a mud wrestling fund raiser for my good friends,  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.  They are going to wrestle for a good cause today, The Donald Trump Mexican Wall Fund!   And it's going to be dirty.  And who doesn't like to see ladies get dirty?  Follow me to the mud pit we've created just on the out skirts of town."
Sarah and Michele, down and dirty fun

The action then moved to the site of the mud wrestling event, where Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann were signing autographs for a group of young high school boys eager to see the up coming match in the mud.  The two women wore skimpy bikinis and were creating quite a stir in the crowd by saying they were going after the others bikini top once they got to wrestling.  As soon as Trump arrived, both woman ran up to him and started running their fingers through his hair.  "I've always wanted to do this." Palin said with a giggle. "John (McCain) didn't have any!"  Trump then turned to the crowd of mostly men and yelled, "Are you ready for some down and dirty fun?"  "Yes!" came the reply and the two women jumped into the mud pit and began pulling each others hair.
As this report went to print, the mud wrestling match was still in progress and over $3000 had been raised. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

TRUMPS HAIRDRESSER THREATENS TO QUIT

TRUMP'S  PERSONAL HAIR DRESSER IS THREATENING TO QUIT, SAYS WORKLOAD IS GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH AS TRUMP'S HEAD SWELLS

TIJUANA, MEXICO

Batista Argwello, 53, aka El Hair Doctor who has secretly been working for Donald Trump as his hair dresser for the past sixteen years, came out today and told his family in-laws in Tijuana he is quitting.
Batista Argwello with Trump's hair blower
"It is getting to be too mucho" he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Mr. Trump's head is swelling so much, his hair is becoming hards to handle, you know, it's going rouge." When pressed for details, Argwello asked for anonymity to protect his family from being deported.  As of this writing, that request will soon be honored.  For the purpose of that request, his name was not  used for the remainder of his interview with Dave Taylor.  Only his initials were used.
"Trump's hair is going rouge"
When asked to elaborate about his falling out with his hairdressing job, he had this to say.  "In the beginning, you know, back when I started, his head was pretty small.  His hairs was easy to manage, a simple wash and blow dry with a small a regular blow dryer. Then the speeches started and his head started swelling up, Crapola santa!  I now have to use a fruit picker's blower!  I'm close to quitting."
Anita and Maria
When Trump was asked to comment, he said, "You know, I like Batista.  We've been friends a long time. I mean we've been friends a really long, long time. He's one of the best, but you know, there's many more where he came from.  Mexico is sending us thousands of hair dressers! More hair dressers than we really need.  I discovered Batista hiding in an apple orchard years ago and we've been friends ever since,
 did I tell you that?  I'll hate to see him go, but his daughters Anita and Maria are staying and will take over as my hair dressers.  Did I tell you how nice they are?  I cherish these women.  Equal rights for women, that's what I'm about." 
 Trump continues to lead in the poles and has asked Dave Taylor to become his news media spokesman if elected.  Taylor has graciously refused the offer stating his obligation to OFF THE WALL NEWS is far more important at this time.
 
 


Thursday, September 3, 2015

LOCAL MAN DIES AFTER FALLING INTO VAT OF COFFEE

MAN'S WIDOW RELIEVED TO HEAR FELLOW MILL WORKERS REPORT THAT HE DIDN'T SUFFER, IT WAS INSTANT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

File photo of the deadly coffee vat. 
Wednesday didn't go well for a Bridgeport man who fell into a coffee vat at his place of employment.  Koff E. Bean, 40 was last seen falling and then sinking into a huge vat of coffee.
Crystal Bean attempts scalding herself
"He didn't suffer, It was instant!" co-worker, Triden Tru, 35, told OFF THE WALL NEWS anchor Dave Taylor.  Workers began looking for Bean immediately after the noon lunch period ended and his body was found just before the afternoon break, halting fears that his body may have gotten ground by the coffee machine.
When Bean's wife was told of his accident, she tried to join him by jumping into bed and pouring hot coffee on her face.  Luckily she was stopped by a neighbor and the high priced coffee was saved.  Later in an exclusive interview, she told Dave Taylor how relieved she was when she heard that her husbands death was in instant.  "He might have fallen into a vat of coffee crystals and he would have known the difference," she said, sipping an iced coffee.  "He was a coffee nut!"
Officials at the coffee plant said the plant would be closed until tomorrow, while they strain the vat for any of Bean's remains.  A memorial will be held pending notification of relatives and coffee plantation workers.

Friday, August 21, 2015

JARED LOSES FREEDOM BUT GAINS NEW PEN PAL

JARED FOGLE, THE FORMER PITCHMAN FOR SUBWAY, RECEIVED A BIT OF GOOD NEWS ON FRIDAY BEFORE HEADING  OFF TO PRISON.  HIS PEN PAL REQUEST TO FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH WAS GRANTED AND THE TWO MET AT A PUBLIC PARK IN BRIDGEPORT....


New pen pals meet for the first time in Bridgeport
As Jared's last request to the judge, to blow good bye kisses to a bus load of high school cheer leaders was denied and depression was beginning to set in, he received word that his pen pal request to former president George W. was accepted.  According to a court house janitor, Fogle's face brightened and immediately had his lawyer call Jimmy Johns and order subs.

The judge, learning of the arrival of the former president, granted Fogle  sixty minutes in which to meet with him.

Outside the courthouse, a small contingent of secret service men accompanied President Bush as he walked through the small crowd that had gathered to shout obscenities at Fogle.  When some of those gathered saw the former president, they started hollering obscenities at him instead of waiting for Jared and were quickly silenced  by secret servicemen with high powered water pistols.  Just as Fogle and Bush were introduced and things were settling down, the Jimmy John's delivery man came rushing up and was tackled before he got close to where Jared and the President were standing, shaking hands.
"Hey, was that one of those Jimmy John guys?" Bush asked, grinning. "I've seen that on TV, but didn't believe it."
"Yeah," answered Fogle. "I like that concept of fast delivery!  The subs ain't bad either.  I've got my name in for when I get out of the slammer.  I'd like to work for them."
The two talked briefly and exchanged addresses.  They then posed for a picture and Jared was hauled away by court deputies. 
When asked by OFF THE WALL NEWS why he consented to be Fogle's pen pal, the former President flashed his signature big grin and replied with his head bobbing, "Hey, we all make mistakes, right?"  He was then whisked away in his limo, reportedly off to find a Jimmy Johns.


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

MAN BURIES FAMILY JEWELS IN BACK YARD BEFORE LOSING MEMORY

MAN'S WIFE IS FURIOUS, SAYS HUSBAND IS FAKING, WANTS HIM WATERBOARDED

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Bets Taker arrest photo
Betty (Bets) Taker, 36, of Bunion Lake was arrested and given a sedative Monday evening after attacking her husband of 10 years, Risky, 49, with a hat pin. Police were called by a neighbor after hearing screams coming from the Taker's house shortly after midnight. 
"Christ oh mighty!" the neighbor told Doug Deeper from OFF THE WALL NEWS. "You would have thunk someone put a cat in bird cage!  At first I thought they were watching a late night cock fight on the Spaniard channel, until I heard the Mrs. screaming.  I knew she was a big cock fight fan, but she never let herself get that excited." 
Police arrived and found Mrs. Taker standing over Mr. Taker with a rolling pin in one hand and a hat pin in the other.  Police Captain Rolen Douh was able to calm down Ms.Taker with  a tab of police grade Valium, after which he arrested and cuffed her.  Capt. Douh was able to piece together what had taken place that evening and gave the story to OFF THE WALL NEWS after receiving a promise of anonymity to protect his identity.
Risky Taker refused medical help
It appears the couple had amassed a small cluster of jewels, worth thousands of dollars according to Mrs. Taker.  Late Sunday night as Mrs. Taker took a bubble bath, Mr. Taker took the jewels from her dressing table and buried them in the couples back yard.  As he buried the jewels, Mrs.Taker finished her bath and realized the jewels were gone.  Hearing someone outside the house, she thought it was the intruder that had taken the jewels. As Mr. Taker was trying to come into the house, Mrs Taker hit him with the rolling pin, knocking him to the floor. 
Realizing who it was, she asked him what he did with the jewels and he could only shake his head and say he couldn't remember.  That's when it got ugly, Captain Douh said.
Mrs. Taker literally came unglued and began beating Mr Taker with the rolling pin and threatened to waterboard him if need be to retrieve the jewels.  Police fear that if they hadn't intervened, Taker might have been killed and the jewels might have been lost forever. Making matters worse, police aren't really sure there even were any jewels, given Mrs. Takers state of mind. As she was taken away, she still demanded her husband be waterboarded.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story until the truth is known. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

TRUMP HAS TRUMP SIZE PLANS FOR NORTHWEST IOWA

IF THE DONALD HAS HIS WAY A LARGE PORTION OF NORTHWEST IOWA WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO A MECCA OF SKY SCRAPERS AND HOME TO TRUMP ENTERPRISES

MARATHON, IA

This is the third and final installment of Dave Taylor's interview with Donald Trump in Iowa. See the first two installments in previous editions of OFF THE WALL NEWS.  

"I'll make Marathon great again!" (Marathon cira 1964)
The sleek black limo turned off of Highway 10 and headed into the small Iowa town of Marathon, a once booming town of 700 or more with businesses lining both sides of the street, stretching a whole two blocks.  Today most all the businesses and the buildings that held them are gone.
Looking out the window of the limo Trump tapped the window and asked me what I saw.
At the end of the block stood the town's only business, a tavern. "A ghost town"  I replied.
He held his hands up in front of himself and said "Then you are only seeing the obvious, I want you to understand Dave, I not only see the obvious, I can see what others can't see.  And I know myself quite well. I don't wear glasses or even contacts, for that matter. I look out the window and I see sky scrapers for as far as you can see.  I see streets full of people, restaurants, clothing stores, you name it, it's out there, even book stores selling my books. This town was once probably great.  I'm going to make it great again, just like I'm going to make America great again!"
Trump, "I'll make Marathon great again!
Trump had worked himself up enough that drool was sliding down his cheek.  At this point I tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn't.
He put his white "Make America Great Again" hat on his head and his eyes became glassy.  "I'll make Marathon great again!"
It then became apparent why he had brought me to this small town of less than two hundred people, in Northwest Iowa.  This ghost of a town would be used to show the world what he could do in terms of rebuilding the America he believes exists today.
The limo slowly turned around at the far end of the empty main street and slowly made its way back to where the lone tavern stood.  A few locals were now trickling out from the bar holding Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton signs.  Through the tinted glass of the limo they appeared to be of Hispanic origin.

"These are the people that need to be deported!" Trump said while knocking his knuckle on the window.  "Once I get everything built here, I will put a wall around Marathon and keep these illegals out.  The wall will be a prelude to the larger wall I'll build on the Mexican border.  I'm rich Dave and I'm excited.  You could also say, I'm excited and I'm rich, either way, its the same."
Just at that moment the limo's phone rang and Trump answered it.
"I see," he said into the mouthpiece.  "Good, the exposure will do me good. Send the Trump copter for me."
He quickly explained to me that he had been chosen to appear for trial duty in New York on Monday and his helicopter was on its way to take him to the airport.  Then came the bombshell.
"Dave, I've been checking you and your news organization out.  Quite thoroughly I might add.  You know more about what is going on than all of the other Republican candidates put together.  I just may ask you to be my running mate.  What do you think of  that?"
I didn't have to stop to think, not even for a moment. I answered him instantly.  "Donald, I'm honored that you think so highly of me, but my life is dedicated to delivering the news.  I don't want to be the news.  Please remove me from your short list."
Trump pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and remained silent as the limo sped out of Marathon.  A few minutes later we pulled over and his helicopter landed and took him away, leaving me to ride back to Des Moines alone.  I realized right then, being a newsman can be mighty lonely sometimes.....
Dave Taylor, OFF THE WALL NEWS....

Monday, August 17, 2015

TRUMPS LOVE FOR IOWA SCRUTINIZED IN TAYLOR INTERVIEW

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL TRUMP MEETS WITH OFF THE WALL NEWS' DAVE TAYLOR AND DISCUSSES HIS HAIR, CHINA, AND OTHER THINGS, IN ONE ON ONE INTERVIEW

This is part II of an exclusive report filed by Senior editor and OFF THE WALL NEWS anchor, Dave Taylor of his private interview with Donald Trump.  The interview took place in Trump's limo while traveling back roads in Iowa.  The conversation was casual, yet sometimes tense.  As a word of caution, the language is "colorful" in some areas and children should not be allowed to read it.  This interview is copyrighted and no portion of it may be memorized or copied for re-distributation. 

SOMEWHERE IN IOWA

As we left the airstrip in Trump's limo, I removed my Kim Jong Un hair piece and gave it to my host, the Donald.  He promptly opened a compartment door on the floor of the limo and put the hair piece in with what looked like at least four or five other wigs.
"You know," he said.  "I want you to know I like wigs.  I really do. And there are some that I like more than others.  The Kim Jong Un wig will come in handy when I speak to the North Korean USO troop next month.  Thank you for giving it to me.  And I really mean that."
Trump and Taylor on Colo, IA Main Street

Trump was silent for a minute and I took the opportunity to begin my questioning. "I'd like to ask you a few questions, Mr. Trump." 
"Of course, please do, but call me Donald.  I like being called Donald.  It fits who I am.  And its my name. Some might dispute that, but they don't know what they're talking about.  I can prove to you I am Donald Trump.

I assured him I believed him and continued.  "Thanks Donald.  You recently told a group of key mainstream reporters, you looked upon women as second class animals. Do you really believe that?  Trump slammed his fist into his open hand before turning to face me.
"Dave, and I hope you don't mind me calling you that, not that it matters, but I'm glad you asked me that question. It gives me a chance to clarify what I said.  And I like to clarify, so don't report otherwise.  What I really said, and they, those bimbo reporters got it wrong, very wrong, I said that when I was in second grade, my teacher's name was Mrs. Kow.  If I remember correctly, and I always do, her assistant's name was Miss Hog. Two terrifically talented women, one a little over weight, but with good cheek bones."  He used his hand to pat on his cheek. "The younger one, could have and should have been in Playboy, really nice in all the right places."  He closed his eyes and smiled before continuing. "The press got it completely wrong or else it was  deliberately orchestrated by Fox news and the Koch brothers, so as to discredit me. What assholes they are! I love women.  My own mother was a woman for Christs sake!"  His face was bright red by now. " I can prove that!"

I let Trump cool down before asking the next question.  "Who does your hair?"  The question caught him off guard and his face became sullen.   "Were you sent here by the Koch brothers?  Questions like that are, and I want to be clear, off base."   I assured him I was here as his invited guest and had no affiliation what so ever with Charles or David Koch.  "Your hair is who you are, Donald and people everywhere are mystified with how it hangs out over your forehead."
Trump looked me directly in the eye and said. "Some things in the universe have been and always will be a mystery. Next question."

"Let's talk about China then," I said.  Looking out the window of the limo, I realized we had been driving for a long while now.  "Yes, let's do," Trump replied.  "I like China, they don't like me, but screw them or would you rather I talk bluntly about China?"
I wasn't sure if this was an attempt by Trump at humor or not so I just nodded my head and continued.  "You've said China is really a new America with a hard on.  What do you mean by that?"
"I think it's obvious Dave, they have been playing us, stealing all our secrets, and selling them back to us. They are using the means that made our country great and putting their own rules in place. They view us as a drunken whore with whom they can have their way with.  It's time to bust their balls, if you know what I mean and make no mistake about it, I can do it?"
Trump's vision of China's new flag
"How?"  I asked.    "I'm not ready to say.  This limo may be bugged and I don't want to tip my hand.  I've been told the Chinese government has redesigned their flag and plan to deploy it in the near future."

Pressing Trump for more information proved fruitless.  The limo slowed down to make a turn.  "Where are we headed?" I asked.
Trump replied with a question. "Have you ever been to Marathon, Iowa?"    (To be continued)

The final installment of Taylor's interview with Donald Trump will appear in the next issue of OFF THE WALL NEWS.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

TRUMP'S LOVE FOR IOWA IS REAL

TRUMP SAYS HE WOULD RELOCATE HIS VAST BUSINESS EMPIRE TO MARATHON IOWA IF HE WINS THE IOWA CAUCUSES IN FEBRUARY

Following is an exclusive story of the meetings and conversations between Donald Trump and Dave Taylor as reported by Dave Taylor from their private meeting held Saturday night.

                                                       DES MOINES, IA.
The Donald in Iowa's heartland
Not long after the helicopter touched down at a private airstrip near Des Moines on Saturday, did I have to wait for Mr. Trump and his entourage to arrive.  Four shiny limos rolled up along side the copter, followed by bus loads of onlookers, who had paid up to $20 a piece to attend the airstrip event.  I adjusted my necktie and stepped onto the tarmac just as the Donald got out of the third limo.
Excitement follows Trump wherever he goes. The bus loads of revelers, upon seeing Trump began clapping and shouting "Donald, Donald, Donald!!"  He waved to them and shouted back, "I love bus loads of Iowans! I'm rich and if elected to the presidency, I will see that every Iowan gets free bus rides for life!"
He came up to me and grabbed my shoulder and greeted me warmly.  "Hey Dave, glad you could make it.  I like your suit by the way. And I mean that not in a gay way.  I have nothing against gays and I think you know that.  Some of my best friends became gay and they all wore suits like the one you are wearing.  Are you gay?" 
I assured him I was not, although I had many good friends that were.  He accepted that reply and shook my hand. 
The bus people by now had all emptied the buses and were beginning to surround us, whistling and yelling.  "Don't be frightened," Trump said above the noise.  "These Iowa Republicans just like to make a lot of noise."
I had chosen to wear a Kim Jong Un hair piece to this occasion, so as to make the Donald less self conscience of his own hair. Some in the crowd took offense to it and began booing and hissing.
Trump's "Bus People"
"We better get into the limo!" Trump yelled. "I don't think there are any North Korans in this crowd.  And it's not that diverse,  mostly farmers."   He raised his hand to them and asked them to stop hissing in return for free limo rides in the three other limos that had arrived with his.  As the crowd erupted into a wild cheer, we ducked into his limo where the Donald said, "I like the Kim Jong look, but it doesn't play well in Iowa. And I really believe that. I wouldn't say that if I didn't. You'd better get rid of the hair Dave, or comb it more like mine. They all love my hair. And I mean that, from one man to another."
The limo started and we raced away from the scene.
(To be continued in the next issue of OFF THE WALL NEWS)

In part two of this exclusive report, Dave Taylor tells of the face to face meeting with Donald Trump, which spells out Trumps plan to move his empire to Marathon, a tiny dying town in Northwest Iowa.  Only in OFF THE WALL NEWS will you be able to read this story of change.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

TAYLOR MEETS WITH TRUMP IN IOWA

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES DAVE TAYLOR TO IOWA WHERE THE TWO WILL MEET FOR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW....
The Donald, holds up his hand to stop the hissing at Dave Taylor's hair style

Des Moines, Iowa

A crowd of about five hundred joined presidential hopeful Donald Trump at a private airfield near Des Moines, Iowa Saturday morning to greet OFF THE WALL NEWS anchorman and news reporter, Dave Taylor. 
After the Republican debate held a little over a week ago, Trump wondered aloud, why Dave Taylor hadn't been invited to ask the really tough questions?  "I've followed Dave Taylor for years now and I have to tell you, and I won't minse words here, he knows his shit.  I respect that and I'm not kidding anyone, I know my shit as well. Can you understand what I'm saying?  If not, you are an idiot piece of shit!"
Trump called Taylor Wednesday and invited him to Iowa, offering to send his private helicopter to pick Taylor up in Minnesota.   Taylor accepted and began to pack.

To make Trump less self conscience about his hair, Taylor arrived with his hair cut like North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and drew a few cat calls from the crowd at the airstrip. Trump held up his hand to the crowd and told them to stop hissing.  "I thought this crowd would be more diverse in their thinking."  He told Taylor as the got into Trump's limo.

Trump and Taylor are whisked away
The two were then whisked away to an undisclosed location.  Dave Taylor will file a report on the interview in the very near future.  He plans to ask some very very tough questions. 



NEW STUDY FINDS MOST PEOPLE LIVE CLOSETED LIVES

THE INTERNATIONAL LEAGUE OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHERS CONCLUDE THAT MOST INDIVIDUALS ARE HIDING WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND SUGGESTS THEY "OUT" THEMSELVES TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

HOOTERSTEIN, MINNESOTA

In a shocking revelation published Monday in the Who's Who on Facebook page, researchers working for the International League of Scientific Research, released their findings on closeted people.
Gonon Cruise, Researcher
"Eight of ten people aren't who you think they are."  Gonon Cruise, the league's spokesman told OFF THE WALL NEWS on Friday. "The plain and simple truth is you can't be sure who anybody really is by the way they look." 
He went on to emphasize the importance of letting your relatives and close friends know who you really are.  "Most likely in return, they will then open up and reveal their true selves to you," he said.  When pressed for details, Cruise then related his own personal story.
"I grew up the second youngest, in a two child family.  My mother and father started treating me as the baby of the family at an early age.  My older sister made things worse by pretending I was her child.  Her constant attempts at breast feeding me went mostly unnoticed by my parents.  It wasn't until she went away to college that I was given my own room.  I shaved my head and refused milk products which created a major crisis for my father, who sold hair conditioners and also was the president of the dairy producers for the state of Minnesota.  He ran off with the state fair dairy princess and didn't return.  My mother blamed me, thinking I was a bald headed, anti-milk drinking goof ball.  It wasn't until I "came out" to her and revealed my true self, that she forgave me.  She began dating her best friend, Madge and the two of them found true love at last. 
Onna Cruise
The key to this story, is my coming out of the closet and letting mother know the truth about me.  I was just an ordinary goofball that liked to shave my head and not drink milk.  I have forgiven my dad, who is now with his second dairy princess and still has no idea who I really am and I have forgiven my sister, Onna, whose motherly instincts helped me understand my dislike for milk."

Onna Cruise was contacted for comments on this story, but refused, stating she is still unsure of who she is.  OFF THE WALL NEWS respected Ms. Cruise's request not to be photographed. (The picture shown here is an artist's rendition, using a description of his sister given by Gonon Cruise.)

OFF THE WALL NEW'S senior editor and reporter Dave Taylor gave Mr. Cruise a thumbs up, reiterating the importance of letting others know who you really are.  "Everybody knows the real me!"  he quipped as he boarded a Trump helicopter to Iowa for an interview with Donald Trump.  Trump has been requesting Taylor to visit him and sent his private helicopter to retrieve him Saturday morning.  Trump get his news only from OFF THE WALL NEWS.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this and other stories as they arise.










Tuesday, April 21, 2015

MAN TAKES BEACH WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES

IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO WALKING ON THE BEACH CLAIMS BRIDGE PORT INVENTOR OF SHOES MADE OF SANDPAPER

BRIDGE PORT, MN.

Sand Castle Classics for men and women
Denton Scratcher, 40, claims to have found the solution to having that "walking down the beach feel", no matter where you are. After years of trial and error and a garage full of sandpaper, he has patented his Sand Castle Classics, shoes made entirely of sandpaper. Shoes that make the wearer feel as if he or she is walking barefooted on a sandy beach.
Scratcher in early prototypes
Scratcher claims his shoes are comfortable even though they are not cheap, selling for about $250 a pair. "You are buying a feeling, not just shoes." he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.
Scratcher stumbled onto the idea of beach shoes when he taped sandpaper onto the bottom of his shoes to sand his kitchen floor.  By mistake, on the second day, he inserted a sheet of 150 grit sandpaper into each of his shoes and immediately felt the sensation of walking on sand. He's been walking on sand ever since. It took two years and numerous cases of Corona to prefect his idea, but now no matter where he travels, he's walking on "a beach".
Scratcher hopes to develop sunscreen from used motor oil, but says that is still a few years out yet.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there when it happens. 




MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT BAFFLED OVER WOMAN'S STRANGE CONDITION

WOMAN CHEWS FRONTWARDS AND BACKWARDS, PULVERIZING HER FOOD.  LOCAL  DENTIST TO STUDY HER MOUTH IN DEPTH

BELL TOWER, MN.

Rene Ener and her "grinders"
Rene Ener, 34, of Bell Tower was 25 when she grew an extra set of teeth and a month later began to chew backwards as well as frontwards.  She first amazed her boyfriend by eating an ear of sweet corn in less than four seconds, cob and all. 
Once a  professional yodeler, Ener had to give it up once the new teeth arrived.  "All the yodel sounds came out backwards," she told OFF THE WALL news anchor Dave Taylor.  "I was fired from my yodeling job at the Friday Night Opery and began making a living eating buckets of fried chicken at a local KFC.
Dr. Kurt Truk of the Deep Mouth Clinic outside of Bell Tower explained how her mouth worked, allowing her to chew backwards.  "Clinically its impossible to chew backwards, but Ms. Ener, like a snake, somehow tricks her jaws into slipping sideways as she chews.  The extra teeth help grind the food, liquifying it. 
Currently Ener is making a living at McDonalds dressed as Ronald McDonald.  Twice an evening she eats a dozen Big Macs in under 30 seconds.  "Some jobs are fulfilling," she said.  " Mine is just filling."
Various tooth paste companies are vying to sign her to an advertising contract, but she is in no hurry to have a picture of her "grinder" on a toothpaste tube.  Monday she leaves for Des Moines and the 15th annual Master Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Until then she is under the care of a throat specialist trying to get her yodel back.

OFF THE WALL news will be at the hot dog eating contest to cover the competition until the last dog is gone!


Monday, April 20, 2015

SMALL TOWN DISAPPEARS AS RARE BLUE HAZE SURROUNDS IT

SCIENTIST ARE CAUTIONING HAZE LOVERS TO STAY CLEAR UNTIL IT IS DETERMINED WHAT IS CAUSING THE GLOWING BLUE PHENOMENON

GIDDYVILLE, MINNESOTA

Photo of Giddyville taken Saturday from government aircraft.
State and federal officials are at a loss to explain the strange blue haze that has completely covered the small town of Giddyville.  Saturday, OFF THE WALL news sent in a special news team headed by executive news director Dave Taylor, to investigate. Although federal officials cautioned individuals to stay clear of the town until the mystery is cleared up,
Dave Taylor and his team arrived in Giddyville Saturday evening and have yet to file a report.  Taylor did post a selfie of two of his assistants as they struggle to understand the conditions.
Elaine Baked and Paul Tripper
Elaine Baked and Paul Tripper are apprentice news reporters, on their first assignment with mentor Dave Taylor. "This ain't bad," Tripper said. "I can see why they named the town Giddyville." "Yeah I'm feeling a special kind of giddy!" added Baked.
Authorities were first alerted to the haze by commercial airline pilots flying over the area.  Attempts to reach city officials inside the town failed on Saturday afternoon prompting federal officials and the manager at a local Kmart to become edgy. A report of a giant blue light special was unsubstantiated.  Calls to the Kmart went unanswered, adding to the mystery.  OFF THE WALL news will continue to investigate and bring our readers the truth.