Tuesday, April 21, 2015

MAN TAKES BEACH WITH HIM WHEREVER HE GOES

IT'S THE NEXT BEST THING TO WALKING ON THE BEACH CLAIMS BRIDGE PORT INVENTOR OF SHOES MADE OF SANDPAPER

BRIDGE PORT, MN.

Sand Castle Classics for men and women
Denton Scratcher, 40, claims to have found the solution to having that "walking down the beach feel", no matter where you are. After years of trial and error and a garage full of sandpaper, he has patented his Sand Castle Classics, shoes made entirely of sandpaper. Shoes that make the wearer feel as if he or she is walking barefooted on a sandy beach.
Scratcher in early prototypes
Scratcher claims his shoes are comfortable even though they are not cheap, selling for about $250 a pair. "You are buying a feeling, not just shoes." he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.
Scratcher stumbled onto the idea of beach shoes when he taped sandpaper onto the bottom of his shoes to sand his kitchen floor.  By mistake, on the second day, he inserted a sheet of 150 grit sandpaper into each of his shoes and immediately felt the sensation of walking on sand. He's been walking on sand ever since. It took two years and numerous cases of Corona to prefect his idea, but now no matter where he travels, he's walking on "a beach".
Scratcher hopes to develop sunscreen from used motor oil, but says that is still a few years out yet.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there when it happens. 




MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT BAFFLED OVER WOMAN'S STRANGE CONDITION

WOMAN CHEWS FRONTWARDS AND BACKWARDS, PULVERIZING HER FOOD.  LOCAL  DENTIST TO STUDY HER MOUTH IN DEPTH

BELL TOWER, MN.

Rene Ener and her "grinders"
Rene Ener, 34, of Bell Tower was 25 when she grew an extra set of teeth and a month later began to chew backwards as well as frontwards.  She first amazed her boyfriend by eating an ear of sweet corn in less than four seconds, cob and all. 
Once a  professional yodeler, Ener had to give it up once the new teeth arrived.  "All the yodel sounds came out backwards," she told OFF THE WALL news anchor Dave Taylor.  "I was fired from my yodeling job at the Friday Night Opery and began making a living eating buckets of fried chicken at a local KFC.
Dr. Kurt Truk of the Deep Mouth Clinic outside of Bell Tower explained how her mouth worked, allowing her to chew backwards.  "Clinically its impossible to chew backwards, but Ms. Ener, like a snake, somehow tricks her jaws into slipping sideways as she chews.  The extra teeth help grind the food, liquifying it. 
Currently Ener is making a living at McDonalds dressed as Ronald McDonald.  Twice an evening she eats a dozen Big Macs in under 30 seconds.  "Some jobs are fulfilling," she said.  " Mine is just filling."
Various tooth paste companies are vying to sign her to an advertising contract, but she is in no hurry to have a picture of her "grinder" on a toothpaste tube.  Monday she leaves for Des Moines and the 15th annual Master Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Until then she is under the care of a throat specialist trying to get her yodel back.

OFF THE WALL news will be at the hot dog eating contest to cover the competition until the last dog is gone!


Monday, April 20, 2015

SMALL TOWN DISAPPEARS AS RARE BLUE HAZE SURROUNDS IT

SCIENTIST ARE CAUTIONING HAZE LOVERS TO STAY CLEAR UNTIL IT IS DETERMINED WHAT IS CAUSING THE GLOWING BLUE PHENOMENON

GIDDYVILLE, MINNESOTA

Photo of Giddyville taken Saturday from government aircraft.
State and federal officials are at a loss to explain the strange blue haze that has completely covered the small town of Giddyville.  Saturday, OFF THE WALL news sent in a special news team headed by executive news director Dave Taylor, to investigate. Although federal officials cautioned individuals to stay clear of the town until the mystery is cleared up,
Dave Taylor and his team arrived in Giddyville Saturday evening and have yet to file a report.  Taylor did post a selfie of two of his assistants as they struggle to understand the conditions.
Elaine Baked and Paul Tripper
Elaine Baked and Paul Tripper are apprentice news reporters, on their first assignment with mentor Dave Taylor. "This ain't bad," Tripper said. "I can see why they named the town Giddyville." "Yeah I'm feeling a special kind of giddy!" added Baked.
Authorities were first alerted to the haze by commercial airline pilots flying over the area.  Attempts to reach city officials inside the town failed on Saturday afternoon prompting federal officials and the manager at a local Kmart to become edgy. A report of a giant blue light special was unsubstantiated.  Calls to the Kmart went unanswered, adding to the mystery.  OFF THE WALL news will continue to investigate and bring our readers the truth.