Friday, August 21, 2015

JARED LOSES FREEDOM BUT GAINS NEW PEN PAL

JARED FOGLE, THE FORMER PITCHMAN FOR SUBWAY, RECEIVED A BIT OF GOOD NEWS ON FRIDAY BEFORE HEADING  OFF TO PRISON.  HIS PEN PAL REQUEST TO FORMER PRESIDENT BUSH WAS GRANTED AND THE TWO MET AT A PUBLIC PARK IN BRIDGEPORT....


New pen pals meet for the first time in Bridgeport
As Jared's last request to the judge, to blow good bye kisses to a bus load of high school cheer leaders was denied and depression was beginning to set in, he received word that his pen pal request to former president George W. was accepted.  According to a court house janitor, Fogle's face brightened and immediately had his lawyer call Jimmy Johns and order subs.

The judge, learning of the arrival of the former president, granted Fogle  sixty minutes in which to meet with him.

Outside the courthouse, a small contingent of secret service men accompanied President Bush as he walked through the small crowd that had gathered to shout obscenities at Fogle.  When some of those gathered saw the former president, they started hollering obscenities at him instead of waiting for Jared and were quickly silenced  by secret servicemen with high powered water pistols.  Just as Fogle and Bush were introduced and things were settling down, the Jimmy John's delivery man came rushing up and was tackled before he got close to where Jared and the President were standing, shaking hands.
"Hey, was that one of those Jimmy John guys?" Bush asked, grinning. "I've seen that on TV, but didn't believe it."
"Yeah," answered Fogle. "I like that concept of fast delivery!  The subs ain't bad either.  I've got my name in for when I get out of the slammer.  I'd like to work for them."
The two talked briefly and exchanged addresses.  They then posed for a picture and Jared was hauled away by court deputies. 
When asked by OFF THE WALL NEWS why he consented to be Fogle's pen pal, the former President flashed his signature big grin and replied with his head bobbing, "Hey, we all make mistakes, right?"  He was then whisked away in his limo, reportedly off to find a Jimmy Johns.


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

MAN BURIES FAMILY JEWELS IN BACK YARD BEFORE LOSING MEMORY

MAN'S WIFE IS FURIOUS, SAYS HUSBAND IS FAKING, WANTS HIM WATERBOARDED

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Bets Taker arrest photo
Betty (Bets) Taker, 36, of Bunion Lake was arrested and given a sedative Monday evening after attacking her husband of 10 years, Risky, 49, with a hat pin. Police were called by a neighbor after hearing screams coming from the Taker's house shortly after midnight. 
"Christ oh mighty!" the neighbor told Doug Deeper from OFF THE WALL NEWS. "You would have thunk someone put a cat in bird cage!  At first I thought they were watching a late night cock fight on the Spaniard channel, until I heard the Mrs. screaming.  I knew she was a big cock fight fan, but she never let herself get that excited." 
Police arrived and found Mrs. Taker standing over Mr. Taker with a rolling pin in one hand and a hat pin in the other.  Police Captain Rolen Douh was able to calm down Ms.Taker with  a tab of police grade Valium, after which he arrested and cuffed her.  Capt. Douh was able to piece together what had taken place that evening and gave the story to OFF THE WALL NEWS after receiving a promise of anonymity to protect his identity.
Risky Taker refused medical help
It appears the couple had amassed a small cluster of jewels, worth thousands of dollars according to Mrs. Taker.  Late Sunday night as Mrs. Taker took a bubble bath, Mr. Taker took the jewels from her dressing table and buried them in the couples back yard.  As he buried the jewels, Mrs.Taker finished her bath and realized the jewels were gone.  Hearing someone outside the house, she thought it was the intruder that had taken the jewels. As Mr. Taker was trying to come into the house, Mrs Taker hit him with the rolling pin, knocking him to the floor. 
Realizing who it was, she asked him what he did with the jewels and he could only shake his head and say he couldn't remember.  That's when it got ugly, Captain Douh said.
Mrs. Taker literally came unglued and began beating Mr Taker with the rolling pin and threatened to waterboard him if need be to retrieve the jewels.  Police fear that if they hadn't intervened, Taker might have been killed and the jewels might have been lost forever. Making matters worse, police aren't really sure there even were any jewels, given Mrs. Takers state of mind. As she was taken away, she still demanded her husband be waterboarded.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story until the truth is known. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

TRUMP HAS TRUMP SIZE PLANS FOR NORTHWEST IOWA

IF THE DONALD HAS HIS WAY A LARGE PORTION OF NORTHWEST IOWA WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO A MECCA OF SKY SCRAPERS AND HOME TO TRUMP ENTERPRISES

MARATHON, IA

This is the third and final installment of Dave Taylor's interview with Donald Trump in Iowa. See the first two installments in previous editions of OFF THE WALL NEWS.  

"I'll make Marathon great again!" (Marathon cira 1964)
The sleek black limo turned off of Highway 10 and headed into the small Iowa town of Marathon, a once booming town of 700 or more with businesses lining both sides of the street, stretching a whole two blocks.  Today most all the businesses and the buildings that held them are gone.
Looking out the window of the limo Trump tapped the window and asked me what I saw.
At the end of the block stood the town's only business, a tavern. "A ghost town"  I replied.
He held his hands up in front of himself and said "Then you are only seeing the obvious, I want you to understand Dave, I not only see the obvious, I can see what others can't see.  And I know myself quite well. I don't wear glasses or even contacts, for that matter. I look out the window and I see sky scrapers for as far as you can see.  I see streets full of people, restaurants, clothing stores, you name it, it's out there, even book stores selling my books. This town was once probably great.  I'm going to make it great again, just like I'm going to make America great again!"
Trump, "I'll make Marathon great again!
Trump had worked himself up enough that drool was sliding down his cheek.  At this point I tried to get a word in edgewise, but couldn't.
He put his white "Make America Great Again" hat on his head and his eyes became glassy.  "I'll make Marathon great again!"
It then became apparent why he had brought me to this small town of less than two hundred people, in Northwest Iowa.  This ghost of a town would be used to show the world what he could do in terms of rebuilding the America he believes exists today.
The limo slowly turned around at the far end of the empty main street and slowly made its way back to where the lone tavern stood.  A few locals were now trickling out from the bar holding Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton signs.  Through the tinted glass of the limo they appeared to be of Hispanic origin.

"These are the people that need to be deported!" Trump said while knocking his knuckle on the window.  "Once I get everything built here, I will put a wall around Marathon and keep these illegals out.  The wall will be a prelude to the larger wall I'll build on the Mexican border.  I'm rich Dave and I'm excited.  You could also say, I'm excited and I'm rich, either way, its the same."
Just at that moment the limo's phone rang and Trump answered it.
"I see," he said into the mouthpiece.  "Good, the exposure will do me good. Send the Trump copter for me."
He quickly explained to me that he had been chosen to appear for trial duty in New York on Monday and his helicopter was on its way to take him to the airport.  Then came the bombshell.
"Dave, I've been checking you and your news organization out.  Quite thoroughly I might add.  You know more about what is going on than all of the other Republican candidates put together.  I just may ask you to be my running mate.  What do you think of  that?"
I didn't have to stop to think, not even for a moment. I answered him instantly.  "Donald, I'm honored that you think so highly of me, but my life is dedicated to delivering the news.  I don't want to be the news.  Please remove me from your short list."
Trump pursed his lips, closed his eyes, and remained silent as the limo sped out of Marathon.  A few minutes later we pulled over and his helicopter landed and took him away, leaving me to ride back to Des Moines alone.  I realized right then, being a newsman can be mighty lonely sometimes.....
Dave Taylor, OFF THE WALL NEWS....

Monday, August 17, 2015

TRUMPS LOVE FOR IOWA SCRUTINIZED IN TAYLOR INTERVIEW

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL TRUMP MEETS WITH OFF THE WALL NEWS' DAVE TAYLOR AND DISCUSSES HIS HAIR, CHINA, AND OTHER THINGS, IN ONE ON ONE INTERVIEW

This is part II of an exclusive report filed by Senior editor and OFF THE WALL NEWS anchor, Dave Taylor of his private interview with Donald Trump.  The interview took place in Trump's limo while traveling back roads in Iowa.  The conversation was casual, yet sometimes tense.  As a word of caution, the language is "colorful" in some areas and children should not be allowed to read it.  This interview is copyrighted and no portion of it may be memorized or copied for re-distributation. 

SOMEWHERE IN IOWA

As we left the airstrip in Trump's limo, I removed my Kim Jong Un hair piece and gave it to my host, the Donald.  He promptly opened a compartment door on the floor of the limo and put the hair piece in with what looked like at least four or five other wigs.
"You know," he said.  "I want you to know I like wigs.  I really do. And there are some that I like more than others.  The Kim Jong Un wig will come in handy when I speak to the North Korean USO troop next month.  Thank you for giving it to me.  And I really mean that."
Trump and Taylor on Colo, IA Main Street

Trump was silent for a minute and I took the opportunity to begin my questioning. "I'd like to ask you a few questions, Mr. Trump." 
"Of course, please do, but call me Donald.  I like being called Donald.  It fits who I am.  And its my name. Some might dispute that, but they don't know what they're talking about.  I can prove to you I am Donald Trump.

I assured him I believed him and continued.  "Thanks Donald.  You recently told a group of key mainstream reporters, you looked upon women as second class animals. Do you really believe that?  Trump slammed his fist into his open hand before turning to face me.
"Dave, and I hope you don't mind me calling you that, not that it matters, but I'm glad you asked me that question. It gives me a chance to clarify what I said.  And I like to clarify, so don't report otherwise.  What I really said, and they, those bimbo reporters got it wrong, very wrong, I said that when I was in second grade, my teacher's name was Mrs. Kow.  If I remember correctly, and I always do, her assistant's name was Miss Hog. Two terrifically talented women, one a little over weight, but with good cheek bones."  He used his hand to pat on his cheek. "The younger one, could have and should have been in Playboy, really nice in all the right places."  He closed his eyes and smiled before continuing. "The press got it completely wrong or else it was  deliberately orchestrated by Fox news and the Koch brothers, so as to discredit me. What assholes they are! I love women.  My own mother was a woman for Christs sake!"  His face was bright red by now. " I can prove that!"

I let Trump cool down before asking the next question.  "Who does your hair?"  The question caught him off guard and his face became sullen.   "Were you sent here by the Koch brothers?  Questions like that are, and I want to be clear, off base."   I assured him I was here as his invited guest and had no affiliation what so ever with Charles or David Koch.  "Your hair is who you are, Donald and people everywhere are mystified with how it hangs out over your forehead."
Trump looked me directly in the eye and said. "Some things in the universe have been and always will be a mystery. Next question."

"Let's talk about China then," I said.  Looking out the window of the limo, I realized we had been driving for a long while now.  "Yes, let's do," Trump replied.  "I like China, they don't like me, but screw them or would you rather I talk bluntly about China?"
I wasn't sure if this was an attempt by Trump at humor or not so I just nodded my head and continued.  "You've said China is really a new America with a hard on.  What do you mean by that?"
"I think it's obvious Dave, they have been playing us, stealing all our secrets, and selling them back to us. They are using the means that made our country great and putting their own rules in place. They view us as a drunken whore with whom they can have their way with.  It's time to bust their balls, if you know what I mean and make no mistake about it, I can do it?"
Trump's vision of China's new flag
"How?"  I asked.    "I'm not ready to say.  This limo may be bugged and I don't want to tip my hand.  I've been told the Chinese government has redesigned their flag and plan to deploy it in the near future."

Pressing Trump for more information proved fruitless.  The limo slowed down to make a turn.  "Where are we headed?" I asked.
Trump replied with a question. "Have you ever been to Marathon, Iowa?"    (To be continued)

The final installment of Taylor's interview with Donald Trump will appear in the next issue of OFF THE WALL NEWS.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

TRUMP'S LOVE FOR IOWA IS REAL

TRUMP SAYS HE WOULD RELOCATE HIS VAST BUSINESS EMPIRE TO MARATHON IOWA IF HE WINS THE IOWA CAUCUSES IN FEBRUARY

Following is an exclusive story of the meetings and conversations between Donald Trump and Dave Taylor as reported by Dave Taylor from their private meeting held Saturday night.

                                                       DES MOINES, IA.
The Donald in Iowa's heartland
Not long after the helicopter touched down at a private airstrip near Des Moines on Saturday, did I have to wait for Mr. Trump and his entourage to arrive.  Four shiny limos rolled up along side the copter, followed by bus loads of onlookers, who had paid up to $20 a piece to attend the airstrip event.  I adjusted my necktie and stepped onto the tarmac just as the Donald got out of the third limo.
Excitement follows Trump wherever he goes. The bus loads of revelers, upon seeing Trump began clapping and shouting "Donald, Donald, Donald!!"  He waved to them and shouted back, "I love bus loads of Iowans! I'm rich and if elected to the presidency, I will see that every Iowan gets free bus rides for life!"
He came up to me and grabbed my shoulder and greeted me warmly.  "Hey Dave, glad you could make it.  I like your suit by the way. And I mean that not in a gay way.  I have nothing against gays and I think you know that.  Some of my best friends became gay and they all wore suits like the one you are wearing.  Are you gay?" 
I assured him I was not, although I had many good friends that were.  He accepted that reply and shook my hand. 
The bus people by now had all emptied the buses and were beginning to surround us, whistling and yelling.  "Don't be frightened," Trump said above the noise.  "These Iowa Republicans just like to make a lot of noise."
I had chosen to wear a Kim Jong Un hair piece to this occasion, so as to make the Donald less self conscience of his own hair. Some in the crowd took offense to it and began booing and hissing.
Trump's "Bus People"
"We better get into the limo!" Trump yelled. "I don't think there are any North Korans in this crowd.  And it's not that diverse,  mostly farmers."   He raised his hand to them and asked them to stop hissing in return for free limo rides in the three other limos that had arrived with his.  As the crowd erupted into a wild cheer, we ducked into his limo where the Donald said, "I like the Kim Jong look, but it doesn't play well in Iowa. And I really believe that. I wouldn't say that if I didn't. You'd better get rid of the hair Dave, or comb it more like mine. They all love my hair. And I mean that, from one man to another."
The limo started and we raced away from the scene.
(To be continued in the next issue of OFF THE WALL NEWS)

In part two of this exclusive report, Dave Taylor tells of the face to face meeting with Donald Trump, which spells out Trumps plan to move his empire to Marathon, a tiny dying town in Northwest Iowa.  Only in OFF THE WALL NEWS will you be able to read this story of change.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

TAYLOR MEETS WITH TRUMP IN IOWA

PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES DAVE TAYLOR TO IOWA WHERE THE TWO WILL MEET FOR AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW....
The Donald, holds up his hand to stop the hissing at Dave Taylor's hair style

Des Moines, Iowa

A crowd of about five hundred joined presidential hopeful Donald Trump at a private airfield near Des Moines, Iowa Saturday morning to greet OFF THE WALL NEWS anchorman and news reporter, Dave Taylor. 
After the Republican debate held a little over a week ago, Trump wondered aloud, why Dave Taylor hadn't been invited to ask the really tough questions?  "I've followed Dave Taylor for years now and I have to tell you, and I won't minse words here, he knows his shit.  I respect that and I'm not kidding anyone, I know my shit as well. Can you understand what I'm saying?  If not, you are an idiot piece of shit!"
Trump called Taylor Wednesday and invited him to Iowa, offering to send his private helicopter to pick Taylor up in Minnesota.   Taylor accepted and began to pack.

To make Trump less self conscience about his hair, Taylor arrived with his hair cut like North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and drew a few cat calls from the crowd at the airstrip. Trump held up his hand to the crowd and told them to stop hissing.  "I thought this crowd would be more diverse in their thinking."  He told Taylor as the got into Trump's limo.

Trump and Taylor are whisked away
The two were then whisked away to an undisclosed location.  Dave Taylor will file a report on the interview in the very near future.  He plans to ask some very very tough questions. 



NEW STUDY FINDS MOST PEOPLE LIVE CLOSETED LIVES

THE INTERNATIONAL LEAGUE OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHERS CONCLUDE THAT MOST INDIVIDUALS ARE HIDING WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND SUGGESTS THEY "OUT" THEMSELVES TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

HOOTERSTEIN, MINNESOTA

In a shocking revelation published Monday in the Who's Who on Facebook page, researchers working for the International League of Scientific Research, released their findings on closeted people.
Gonon Cruise, Researcher
"Eight of ten people aren't who you think they are."  Gonon Cruise, the league's spokesman told OFF THE WALL NEWS on Friday. "The plain and simple truth is you can't be sure who anybody really is by the way they look." 
He went on to emphasize the importance of letting your relatives and close friends know who you really are.  "Most likely in return, they will then open up and reveal their true selves to you," he said.  When pressed for details, Cruise then related his own personal story.
"I grew up the second youngest, in a two child family.  My mother and father started treating me as the baby of the family at an early age.  My older sister made things worse by pretending I was her child.  Her constant attempts at breast feeding me went mostly unnoticed by my parents.  It wasn't until she went away to college that I was given my own room.  I shaved my head and refused milk products which created a major crisis for my father, who sold hair conditioners and also was the president of the dairy producers for the state of Minnesota.  He ran off with the state fair dairy princess and didn't return.  My mother blamed me, thinking I was a bald headed, anti-milk drinking goof ball.  It wasn't until I "came out" to her and revealed my true self, that she forgave me.  She began dating her best friend, Madge and the two of them found true love at last. 
Onna Cruise
The key to this story, is my coming out of the closet and letting mother know the truth about me.  I was just an ordinary goofball that liked to shave my head and not drink milk.  I have forgiven my dad, who is now with his second dairy princess and still has no idea who I really am and I have forgiven my sister, Onna, whose motherly instincts helped me understand my dislike for milk."

Onna Cruise was contacted for comments on this story, but refused, stating she is still unsure of who she is.  OFF THE WALL NEWS respected Ms. Cruise's request not to be photographed. (The picture shown here is an artist's rendition, using a description of his sister given by Gonon Cruise.)

OFF THE WALL NEW'S senior editor and reporter Dave Taylor gave Mr. Cruise a thumbs up, reiterating the importance of letting others know who you really are.  "Everybody knows the real me!"  he quipped as he boarded a Trump helicopter to Iowa for an interview with Donald Trump.  Trump has been requesting Taylor to visit him and sent his private helicopter to retrieve him Saturday morning.  Trump get his news only from OFF THE WALL NEWS.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this and other stories as they arise.