Saturday, August 15, 2015

NEW STUDY FINDS MOST PEOPLE LIVE CLOSETED LIVES

THE INTERNATIONAL LEAGUE OF SCIENTIFIC RESEARCHERS CONCLUDE THAT MOST INDIVIDUALS ARE HIDING WHO THEY REALLY ARE AND SUGGESTS THEY "OUT" THEMSELVES TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS...

HOOTERSTEIN, MINNESOTA

In a shocking revelation published Monday in the Who's Who on Facebook page, researchers working for the International League of Scientific Research, released their findings on closeted people.
Gonon Cruise, Researcher
"Eight of ten people aren't who you think they are."  Gonon Cruise, the league's spokesman told OFF THE WALL NEWS on Friday. "The plain and simple truth is you can't be sure who anybody really is by the way they look." 
He went on to emphasize the importance of letting your relatives and close friends know who you really are.  "Most likely in return, they will then open up and reveal their true selves to you," he said.  When pressed for details, Cruise then related his own personal story.
"I grew up the second youngest, in a two child family.  My mother and father started treating me as the baby of the family at an early age.  My older sister made things worse by pretending I was her child.  Her constant attempts at breast feeding me went mostly unnoticed by my parents.  It wasn't until she went away to college that I was given my own room.  I shaved my head and refused milk products which created a major crisis for my father, who sold hair conditioners and also was the president of the dairy producers for the state of Minnesota.  He ran off with the state fair dairy princess and didn't return.  My mother blamed me, thinking I was a bald headed, anti-milk drinking goof ball.  It wasn't until I "came out" to her and revealed my true self, that she forgave me.  She began dating her best friend, Madge and the two of them found true love at last. 
Onna Cruise
The key to this story, is my coming out of the closet and letting mother know the truth about me.  I was just an ordinary goofball that liked to shave my head and not drink milk.  I have forgiven my dad, who is now with his second dairy princess and still has no idea who I really am and I have forgiven my sister, Onna, whose motherly instincts helped me understand my dislike for milk."

Onna Cruise was contacted for comments on this story, but refused, stating she is still unsure of who she is.  OFF THE WALL NEWS respected Ms. Cruise's request not to be photographed. (The picture shown here is an artist's rendition, using a description of his sister given by Gonon Cruise.)

OFF THE WALL NEW'S senior editor and reporter Dave Taylor gave Mr. Cruise a thumbs up, reiterating the importance of letting others know who you really are.  "Everybody knows the real me!"  he quipped as he boarded a Trump helicopter to Iowa for an interview with Donald Trump.  Trump has been requesting Taylor to visit him and sent his private helicopter to retrieve him Saturday morning.  Trump get his news only from OFF THE WALL NEWS.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this and other stories as they arise.










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