Wednesday, September 30, 2015

TRUMP SEEKING NORTH KOREAN LEADERSHIP ROLE

TRUMP ANNOUNCES HIS BID TO UNSEAT KIM JUNG-UN IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE TO BECOME THE LEADER OF NORTH KOREA

PUTANG

Donald Trump the billionaire real-estate, reality TV star, recently turned politician, and U.S. presidential candidate, has shocked the news media once again.  With his numbers dropping in the poles and after reading the recent story in OFF THE WALL NEWS about North Korea's attempt to send a man to the sun, he has decided to run for the highest office in the rouge nation.

Trump billboard in Pyongyang
"That guy over there", Trump declared to a delegation of news reporters, "Kim Jung-Un, the leader of North Korea, you know, the one with the funny hair, he's nuts! I've heard he can be a nice guy, and I'm sure he is.  We could probably be great friends, I mean look at Dennis Rodman, we're friends.  Dennis was on my show, Celebrity Apprentice, he's good friends with Kim Jung-Un, great friends. But sometimes even your friends are nuts, right?  Am I right?  I'm right and I know it. Those people over there need a new leader and who would be better than me?  No one!"

Trump then had his team project a picture of one of his billboards recently put up in the capital city of Pyongyang.  "Here is one of the billboards, like the ones all over North Korea, that is treating the people there to a great face.  It reads, I'm the Donald and I want to make North Korea great again!"

When asked how he would do that, he replied, "I have a plan and its a great plan.  I've shown it to Dennis Rodman and he agrees with me, its a great plan. I would tell you how the plan works, but then Kim Jung-Un would take it and use it before me, so I'll be closed lip for now."   He then changed the subject.  
"Did you read in OFF THE WALL NEWS how they sent some poor guy to the sun and his ship burst into flames?  I've been told the guy didn't make it.  To me, that was a poor leadership decision.  They need new leadership in that country, people who are smart, people that can land a man on the sun without getting fried.  I'm that leader!  I am a bright as the sun only dimmer." 
He was then whisked away without taking any more questions.  




Monday, September 28, 2015

NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES ROCKET SHIP, SENDING MAN TO THE SUN

LONG TIME SKEPTIC OF CLIMATE CHANGE, NORTH KOREAN LEADER KIM JONG-UN SENDS A VOLUNTEER ASTRONAUT TO THE SUN

PICNIC ISLAND

In a stunning announcement Sunday, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un told OFF THE WALL NEWS that the country of North Korea  had sent a "volunteer" astronaut on a mission to the sun to prove it is "hotter there, than here". 
Kim Jung-Un
"Climate change like what the United States is claiming is false!" Jong-Un proclaimed as he rubbed sun screen into his face. "We have sent a man to the sun to prove it is hotter up there in space than here."

The mission was to have began in mid August when a North Korean  resident was chosen in a lottery to become the first man to the sun.  Ho Lee Fuk, 29 was chosen because of his dark complexion, making him, according to Jung-Un, the perfect candidate.  Fuk was launched skyward on August 12th, sitting high a top of a North Koran rocket in a capsule named QuJung 1 which translates loosely to Crisp 1.  

Ho Lee Fuk in a selfie with the sun
North Korea's mission control reported all was going well until the ship passed the point of no return on Sunday.  Fuk reported that his sun glasses were not working as promised and his eyes were burning, requesting to return to Earth.  The request was denied and less than four hours later the ship burst into flames, as excessive heat caused the Crisp 1 to explode. 

"This is proof that the climate out there is hotter than on Earth" Kim Jung-Un boasted.  "In Mr. Fuk's honor, I have named a sun tan lotion after him."  The sun screen Ho Lee Fuk is now available in all North Korean drug stores and is rated a protection rating of 502, for the exact time his capsule exploded.  OFF THE WALL NEWS hopes to verify this story with our reporters north of the DMZ.  Dave Taylor may travel to Picnic Island to investigate.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

DAVE TAYLOR IS A DRIVING FORCE IN THE POPE'S VISIT TO D.C.

DAVE TAYLOR TAKES THE WHEEL OF THE POPE MOBILE AS HE ACCOMPANIES THE PONTIFF THROUGH THE STREETS OF WASHINGTON D.C.

WASHINGTON D.C.

Not since Spartacus or Ben Hur traversing the streets of ancient Rome, has there been such a spectacle as Pope Francis riding his Pope mobile down the streets of D.C. in a vehicle driven by OFF THE WALL NEW'S Dave Taylor. 
Pope Francis is driven by Dave Taylor as crowds cheer.
Taylor who flew in with the Pope from Cuba, was honored to drive the Pope's vehicle when it was learned the Pope's regular driver, Iia Getarounda, was unable to drive the vehicle because the vehicle was a stick shift and not an auto-matic transmission.

"This was a dream come true!" Taylor told fellow reporter, Clark Kent, who flew in for this event.  Taylor stopped the Pope mobile three times as the motorcade made its way down the crowded avenue.  Twice to let Pope Francis interact with the throngs of people, and once to go through a McDonald's drive thru for a Big Mac and fries. "The Pope couldn't wait to do that."  Taylor told Kent.  "Francis kept after me to watch for a McDonalds so he could realize his dream of scarfing down a Big Mac with cheese.  Only in America, he told me!" 
The motorcade then made its way to the Pope's residence in Washington D.C. where the Pope and Taylor will be staying for the remaining time in the capital.   Taylor promises more reports in the coming days.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

POPE ARRIVES IN U.S. ACCOMPANIED BY DAVE TAYLOR

THE POPE ARRIVES IN UNITED STATES WITH CLOSE FRIEND DAVE TAYLOR, WHO HAD ACCOMPANIED HIM ON HIS FLIGHT FROM CUBA

WASHINGTON D.C.

Pope Frances and close friend Dave Taylor arrive in D.C.
The Pope's plane landed moments ago to the cheers of well wishers as far as the eye could see.  As the plane's door opened and the Pope emerged, OFF THE WALL'S  Dave Taylor could be seen in the hatchway.  The two have become good friends in the last few months, even though Taylor is not a Catholic.  "We just jive!" said Taylor at a recent chug fest at O'Mally's  bar in Bridgeport.

The Pope met President Obama, who was waiting to greet him.  The two exchanged pleasantries and then Obama, looking up at Taylor, gave him a thumbs up.

OFF THE WALL NEWS  will follow the Pope and report all relevant news in upcoming reports.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

BADLY DAMAGED BOAT NAMED S.S. MINNOW FOUND ON DESERTED ISLAND

SKEPTICS ARE CALLING IT A HOAX, WHILE OTHERS SAY THE BEACHED WOODEN BOAT PROVES THAT THE 1960s SITCOM GILLIGAN'S ISLAND SPOOF, WAS IN FACT THE FIRST EVER TRUE LIFE REALITY TV SHOW.  HUMAN REMAINS WERE FOUND NEARBY


GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

S S MINNOW
Self proclaimed treasure hunters, Scabs Matter and Peter Goesinya, both 35, of Bridgeport, say they stumbled upon the grounded wreckage of a wooden 32 ft. cabin cruiser, while partying on Gilligan's Island, an uninhabited island off Baja.  Both men said it was a dream come true to make such a discovery.  Both admitted to having to pinch each other to make sure they weren't hallucinating. 

In an exclusive interview with OFF THE WALL NEWS, Goesinya said the two men had been looking for the lost boat for the past ten years or so.  "My Aunt Bea was a huge fan of Gilligan's Island when it was on television back in the sixties.  I remember watching it with her as a child and seeing her get caught up in the excitement of the shipwrecked survivors on what was called Gilligan's Island.  She always told me it was a true story, even though my parents assured me it wasn't."
Upon reaching adulthood, Goesinya and his best friend Matter, decided to start searching deserted islands for the lost vessel, if indeed there was one.  When asked what prompted him to take on such an undertaking he replied,  "Well, you know my parents had assured me it was only just a TV show.  They also assured me that marijuana was not cool.  When I found out they were not telling me the truth about pot, I immediately started looking for the S S Minnow."
Along with the beached boat, the two men also found an abandoned campsite with what looked like human remains.  It was then they radioed out for authorities to come and authenticate their discoveries.  
 
"Little" Buddy Gilligan

When word spread of the the discovery on Gilligan's Island, Buddy Gilligan of Hollywood, Tennessee came forward, claiming to be a child of one of the survivors on the show.  Records show his mother's name was Ginger Grant.  "My mother told me as a child, that she wasn't sure who my father was so she didn't know whether to name me Skipper, Prof, Howlly, or Little Buddy.  I chose Buddy after watching the reruns on TV Land.  "I'm hoping a DNA test of the remains will tell me who my true father is."  When asked how he got separated from his mother, he said he couldn't remember.  OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to search old records and discovered that Gilligan was found floating in a rubber raft off the coast, when he was six years old.
As more of this story comes to light, OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there. 
 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

TRUMP HOSTS PARTY TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE WALL

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER LETS HIS HAIR DOWN AND THROWS A  DOWN AND DIRTY PARTY FOR HIS TEA PARTY FRIENDS

MARATHON, IA

The Donald with his new Do hopes to silence scoffers.
Donald Trump the leading Republican candidate for President, showed off his new look at a mud wrestling fund raiser near Trump's adopted Iowa hometown of Marathon.  He was met by a troop of reporters, who were given permission to camp in the town's park on the west side of this burg of two hundred or so people.  Trump's helicopter, Trump One, landed on Main Street just before noon Saturday, causing the fifteen or so patron's of Ike's Job Site, the local bar, to come spilling out onto the street to get a glimpse of Trump. 
As Trump exited the copter,  some mistook him for former Led Zeppelin front man, Robert Plant.
A small crowd quickly surrounded him, made up of the national media and local autograph seekers. 

Trump quickly took to the meeting by tossing his hair back from his face.  "I hope you like it!" he yelled.  "And before you ask, all I did was wash it, towel dry it a bit, and let it set itself.  What do you think?" 
"Daddy's girl", Ivanka Trump
There was a small bit of applause and then someone from the rear yelled, "It looks like Robert Plant's hair."  Trump turned to one of his security men and said, "Get that ass hole out of here! and then addressed the small crowd.  "Just to clear up any confusion, and I know there is some confusion, this is my real hair.  My daughter Ivanka, you know Ivanka? Blonde, blue eyes, really big, a I won't go there.  If she wasn't my daughter, I'd, I won't go there either. My daughter Ivanka, is one of my biggest supporters and she knows how to get me to let my hair down.  I'm glad she does because I like it, I really, really do.  I didn't come here today to talk about my hair though, even though I like it and Ivanka likes it, I came here today to attend a mud wrestling fund raiser for my good friends,  Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann.  They are going to wrestle for a good cause today, The Donald Trump Mexican Wall Fund!   And it's going to be dirty.  And who doesn't like to see ladies get dirty?  Follow me to the mud pit we've created just on the out skirts of town."
Sarah and Michele, down and dirty fun

The action then moved to the site of the mud wrestling event, where Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann were signing autographs for a group of young high school boys eager to see the up coming match in the mud.  The two women wore skimpy bikinis and were creating quite a stir in the crowd by saying they were going after the others bikini top once they got to wrestling.  As soon as Trump arrived, both woman ran up to him and started running their fingers through his hair.  "I've always wanted to do this." Palin said with a giggle. "John (McCain) didn't have any!"  Trump then turned to the crowd of mostly men and yelled, "Are you ready for some down and dirty fun?"  "Yes!" came the reply and the two women jumped into the mud pit and began pulling each others hair.
As this report went to print, the mud wrestling match was still in progress and over $3000 had been raised. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

TRUMPS HAIRDRESSER THREATENS TO QUIT

TRUMP'S  PERSONAL HAIR DRESSER IS THREATENING TO QUIT, SAYS WORKLOAD IS GETTING TO BE TOO MUCH AS TRUMP'S HEAD SWELLS

TIJUANA, MEXICO

Batista Argwello, 53, aka El Hair Doctor who has secretly been working for Donald Trump as his hair dresser for the past sixteen years, came out today and told his family in-laws in Tijuana he is quitting.
Batista Argwello with Trump's hair blower
"It is getting to be too mucho" he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Mr. Trump's head is swelling so much, his hair is becoming hards to handle, you know, it's going rouge." When pressed for details, Argwello asked for anonymity to protect his family from being deported.  As of this writing, that request will soon be honored.  For the purpose of that request, his name was not  used for the remainder of his interview with Dave Taylor.  Only his initials were used.
"Trump's hair is going rouge"
When asked to elaborate about his falling out with his hairdressing job, he had this to say.  "In the beginning, you know, back when I started, his head was pretty small.  His hairs was easy to manage, a simple wash and blow dry with a small a regular blow dryer. Then the speeches started and his head started swelling up, Crapola santa!  I now have to use a fruit picker's blower!  I'm close to quitting."
Anita and Maria
When Trump was asked to comment, he said, "You know, I like Batista.  We've been friends a long time. I mean we've been friends a really long, long time. He's one of the best, but you know, there's many more where he came from.  Mexico is sending us thousands of hair dressers! More hair dressers than we really need.  I discovered Batista hiding in an apple orchard years ago and we've been friends ever since,
 did I tell you that?  I'll hate to see him go, but his daughters Anita and Maria are staying and will take over as my hair dressers.  Did I tell you how nice they are?  I cherish these women.  Equal rights for women, that's what I'm about." 
 Trump continues to lead in the poles and has asked Dave Taylor to become his news media spokesman if elected.  Taylor has graciously refused the offer stating his obligation to OFF THE WALL NEWS is far more important at this time.
 
 


Thursday, September 3, 2015

LOCAL MAN DIES AFTER FALLING INTO VAT OF COFFEE

MAN'S WIDOW RELIEVED TO HEAR FELLOW MILL WORKERS REPORT THAT HE DIDN'T SUFFER, IT WAS INSTANT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

File photo of the deadly coffee vat. 
Wednesday didn't go well for a Bridgeport man who fell into a coffee vat at his place of employment.  Koff E. Bean, 40 was last seen falling and then sinking into a huge vat of coffee.
Crystal Bean attempts scalding herself
"He didn't suffer, It was instant!" co-worker, Triden Tru, 35, told OFF THE WALL NEWS anchor Dave Taylor.  Workers began looking for Bean immediately after the noon lunch period ended and his body was found just before the afternoon break, halting fears that his body may have gotten ground by the coffee machine.
When Bean's wife was told of his accident, she tried to join him by jumping into bed and pouring hot coffee on her face.  Luckily she was stopped by a neighbor and the high priced coffee was saved.  Later in an exclusive interview, she told Dave Taylor how relieved she was when she heard that her husbands death was in instant.  "He might have fallen into a vat of coffee crystals and he would have known the difference," she said, sipping an iced coffee.  "He was a coffee nut!"
Officials at the coffee plant said the plant would be closed until tomorrow, while they strain the vat for any of Bean's remains.  A memorial will be held pending notification of relatives and coffee plantation workers.