Tuesday, October 13, 2015

BRIDGEPORT CLINIC SEEKS GRANT TO STUDY GOOSE BUMPS

A GOOSE BUMP MAGNIFIED 500 TIMES REVEALED A TINY FACE, STARTLING RESEARCHER

BRIDGEPORT

A dermatologist at the Bridgeport Clinic made a startling discovery over the weekend when she magnified a goose bump 552 times and came face to face with another face.  Dr. Neata Bang, a doctor on loan to the clinic from the Bulgarian Institute of Skin Studies, was experimenting with a volunteer who had been sitting in a tub of ice water and watching a video of the movie JAWS.
A magnified goose bump shows a tiny face.  Named Boo!
"My subject was reacting exactly as I had hoped," Dr. Bang told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "At first there were lots of shivers and then uncontrollable shaking.  Goose bumps appeared just as the giant shark in the movie grabbed the boat's captain, pulling him into the water.  Volunteer number 809 was quickly pulled out of the tub and I began photographing the goose bumps.  It was amazing to say the least. Some were the size of a dime!"
After photographing the goose bumps, a lab assistant of Dr. Bang helped the volunteer into a warming chamber, to help get the uncontrollable shaking under control.
"The photos were very clear and I decided to magnify a goose bump for a close up look," Bang said.  "What I found when I did that, caused the hair on the back of my neck to rise and brought about goose bumps of my own!  I came face to face with a tiny face on that goose bump!"

Dr.Neata Bang
Dr. Bang informed her superiors at Bridgeport Clinic of her discovery and they immediately filed for a grant to study this new phenomenon.  Bang was given the distinction of giving the tiny face a name.  She called it Boo and hopes to make contact with the little goose bump as soon the the grant is approved.  "This may be a whole new life form!" she added.

OFF THE WALL NEWS will be on hand when and if contact is made with the goose bumps.



Saturday, October 10, 2015

HARD CORE PARTIERS CELEBRATE PARTY NUMBER ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND

EVEN OFFICIALS FROM RIPLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT, COULDN'T BELIEVE IT!  BRIDGEPORT COUPLE PARTIES THE NIGHT AWAY FOR THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSANDTH TIME....

BRIDGEPORT

Albert and Edna Fuzzy of Bridgeport like to party.  They've partied thousands of times.  Friday night they partied for their one hundred thousandth time and broke a record. On hand to record this unbelievable event were the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe It or Not, both world re-known for recording and authenticating extremes of the natural world.   
OFF THE WALL NEWS was given exclusive rights to this story.

Albert and Edna, Friday night in an O.T.W. selfie picture
Attendees of the Friday night dance club, knew something was up when limos arrived just after 9 P.M. filled with officials from the Guinness Book of World Records and Ripley's Believe It or Not.  Thinking it was to be a dance contest, the band named Squawk, a Doors cover band, picked up the pace with the song, "Light My Fire".  The room lights flashed and a fog machine belched out puffs of smoke as some in the crowd of 101, began murmuring that John Travolta must be about to make an appearance.  That rumor faded as the night wore on.  The band did a perfect cover of "People Are Strange" before breaking into "L.A.Woman" just after 11 P.M.  That is the exact moment Albert and Edna Fuzzy, long time residents of Bridgeport, came through the doors, hands in the air and pumping their fists to the beat of the music!  As Dave Taylor said later, "You had to be there!"
Albert and Edna, back in the day
As the band played and the crowd danced, you could feel the floor going up and down and you couldn't help but wonder if everyone would crash down into the basement soon.  At midnight an announcement was made about the Fuzzys being at their one hundred thousandth party and the place erupted with wild jubilation.  Free drinks were given out and the band agreed to play until daylight.

During a break in the action, Dave Taylor asked the couple how they got together.  "We met at a party." Giggled Edna. "He had this huge black Afro hair style and told me he wanted to party like it was 1999, it was 1969 and I thought, he is groovy!"
"Is that how you remember it?" Taylor asked Mr. Fuzzy.
"Man I thought it was 1967, but I don't remember a whole lot about that day.  Edna had a couple of points about her I wanted to explore and we've been exploring together ever since."
"Some in the crowd tonight thought you looked like Colonel Sanders in your white suit, what do you say about that?"  Taylor asked.  "He made some good bird!" was Fuzzy's reply.
The Fuzzys hope to party on for the foreseeable future and as they do, OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.






Wednesday, October 7, 2015

STICKMAN FOUND ALIVE IN LOG JAM !!!

JUBILATION ERUPTS AS FAMED STICK MAN CHARACTER, FEARED LOST IN A HUGE LOG JAM IS FOUND SAFE, CLINGING TO THE INSIDE OF A KNOTHOLE.


BRIDGEPORT

Red arrow points to where Stick Man was found
Word spread quickly early this morning, when famed character Stick Man, who had been reported lost in a log jam and feared dead, was found very much alive. 

Inkey Wells, 75, of rural Bridgeport, had gone down to the river to look for beavers and watch the log jam float by, when he heard a tiny cry for help, coming from a passing log.  Wells grabbed his binoculars and quickly located the tiny Stick Man waving at him from a knothole in one of the logs.  After shouting for his wife to join him, they called the authorities and help was soon on the way.  The log Stick Man was found on, had traveled two miles down river from where he was last seen yesterday by Bridgeport resident, Art Fisher.
"I'm elated!" Fisher told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "I didn't think I would ever see him again, but now that he has been found alive, those feelings have been erased!"
Close up view of Stick Man in knothole
An elite team of log jam divers arrived at the scene just past eight A.M. and after waiting for various news media to arrive also, quickly moved in to rescue Stick Man.
"As it turned out, he made the journey in pretty good shape, considering the dangers he faced" one bystander was quoted as saying.  Another replied, "Yeah that guy has had some hard knocks in life, but it's plane to see, he's tough and you don't want to rub him the wrong way."
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will continue to follow this story if warranted.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

FAMED STICK MAN FEARED LOST IN LOG JAM

THE MOST NOTABLE CHARACTER NEXT TO SMILEY FACE, STICKMAN WAS SWEPT AWAY IN A GIANT LOG JAM MONDAY.... FEARED LOST

BRIDGEPORT

Stick Man, in recent photo
Art Fisher, 43, of Bridgeport, cried for the first time in thirty years on Monday. His favorite character of all times, Stickman, age unknown, was literally swallowed up in a log jam on the Big Fuchin (Fu Chin) River. 
"I can't believe it!" Fisher cried.  "I took him down to the river so he could see where his ancestors came from and before I could stop him he jumped onto a log and tried to make his way across the river."

Sheriff department officials were called, but there was little anyone could do, as the log jam in the river made rescue attempts almost impossible.  Mr. Fisher made one last frantic attempt to rescue the tiny bark covered figure, but failed when the pole he was using snapped in half before Stickman could grab it.  "I saw his little round face," Fisher told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Expressionless as always, but it was obvious, he didn't want to be shredded between the much larger logs. My pole snapped just as he grabbed for it and in the next instant, he was pulp! It was just awful!" 
Fisher's last frantic attempt to rescue Stickman from the log jam
Further investigation showed that the wood looking pole Fisher was using was really made of plastic and came from China. Upon hearing this, Fisher became so upset, he had to be sedated and buckled into the back of his van.

Officials plan to drag the river next Spring for the little stick figure and if he did somehow survive, hope the log jam didn't take him down river.  OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be there to report the latest.


 


Friday, October 2, 2015

OFF THE WALL NEWS DECLINES PRESTIGIOUS NEWS REPORTING AWARD

NOT TO BE INFLUENCED BY MAIN STREAM NEWS ORGANIZATIONS, OFF THE WALL NEWS REFUSED ON THURSDAY, TO ACCEPT THE PEABODY ROYAL DEFECATE AWARD FOR NEWS REPORTING.  DAVE TAYLOR WAS ON HAND TO REFUSE THE AWARD

BRIDGEPORT

Royal Defecate Award
Twenty six times each year the International News Association gathers in one place or another to shower the top news reporting organizations with trophies and awards. The I.N.A., second only to the Country Music Awards (televised each time an artist releases a new record), met in Bridgeport to bestow honors on OFF THE WALL NEWS.  Much to the dismay of the I.N.A. Dave Taylor took to the podium, thanked his peers, and then refused the honor and coveted Royal Defecate Award.  "From the bottom of my heart, thank you, but no thanks" Taylor told a shocked and silent crowd, " We here at OTWN can not receive awards for what we report.  Our reporting is for the good of our readers and we cannot allow ourselves to be influenced by the national news media."

Dave Taylor at podium declining award
Earlier in the day, in a flurry of last minute voting, OFF THE WALL NEWS received all thirty six votes and top prize for last year's breaking story about how some in the pizza industry are vilifying themselves by cutting pizza into square pieces instead of the traditional pie shape. 

OFF THE WALL NEWS declines trophies and awards each month from various news seeking organizations.  The Glue Sniffers of America invited Dave Taylor to speak at their annual convention in Des Moines last month. "Only when we become sleazy, will we accept awards" Taylor told the group of glue sniffers. "We want our news to be unbiased, open, and well, off the wall.  That's what you'll get if you stick with us!" 
He did accept a bottle of glue however, as a parting gift.