Thursday, December 31, 2015

SURVEY FINDS MOST STORIES REPORTED BY O.T.W.N. OVER THE TOP FOR MOST READERS

THE O.T.W. NEWS ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN ASKED TO BECOME MORE "MIDDLE OF THE ROAD" AND REPORT STORIES LESS "OFF THE WALL"

BRIDGEPORT

OFF THE WALL NEWS'S  co-founder, senior anchor, and reporter Dave Taylor took what Taylor said "felt like a punch in the gut" this morning, when an independent survey reported that his news organization is reporting news beyond the scope of what readers want.  According to the survey, yet to be published due to its colorful language, many readers feel shock and awed from the off the wall stories dug up by Taylor and his crack team of investigators.
"We are giving them pure chocolate and they want vanilla!" Taylor said while holding his head
A flabbergasted  Dave Taylor 
in a face to face conference with his image in a mirror. "I just don't get it."
He quickly canceled a New Years Day story that was to be published early next year (tomorrow), having to do with a pregnant nun and her identical twin sister. "The pregnant nun wasn't sure who the "father' was while her sister did and it got complicated from there."

Taylor plans to take a few days off, his first in ten years, and debate his options.  "Its been a long time since I used my brain to think vanilla." he admitted.  "But I'll come up with something even if its peanut brittle."

OFF THE WALL NEWS wishes everyone a Happy New Year and promises to be back in 2016 with....whatever!.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

OFF THE WALL NEWS WINS ACADEMY AWARD OF NEWS REPORTING FOR THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR

DAVE TAYLOR AND HIS CRACK TEAM OF NEWS REPORTERS SWEEP THE AWARDS WITH TWO WINS OVER THEMSELVES, A FIRST FOR THIS OR ANY NEWS ORGANIZATION....

HONDURAS

 Taylor and his news team came dressed as Star Wars characters
OFF THE WALL NEWS took top honors in Honduras on Saturday, in the Academy Awards of Special News Reporting category for 2015.   OTWN was tied with itself for the top two spots in the Special Reporting category and was able to edge itself out to win the top award.

Senior reporter and anchor Dave Taylor and his crack team of reporters, arrived at the ceremony's red carpet, dressed as Star Wars characters chanting, "We are the news force!" This coincidentally coincided with the latest Star Wars movie "The Force Awakens" which just opened last week.

"We at OFF THE WALL NEWS are pretty lucky sometimes." Taylor told a food vendor working the awards program. "I just heard about the movie after I rented our costumes, I hope to see the movie soon."
Taylor went on to say that OFF THE WALL NEWS reporters were not out to draw attention to themselves, but enjoyed being storm troopers for the night.  The "storm trooper" reporters refused to remove their helmets in order to remain "anonymous.  Only Taylor exposed his face.

There was a celebration party held after the award ceremonies in the OFF THE WALL NEWS bus, which had been made over to resemble a New Order Battalion Star Cruiser.




Saturday, December 19, 2015

NEW STAR WARS MOVIE TO PLAY IN BRIDGEPORT'S MINI THEATER

DECISION TO BRING NEW STAR WARS MOVIE TO BRIDGEPORT DESPITE SIZE OF THE THEATER WAS MADE AFTER VEILED DEATH THREATS....

BRIDGEPORT

The Mini View Theater
Star Wars fans began lining up early this morning in front of the 19 seat Bridgeport Mini View Theater after the theater owners buckled to fan demands.  The Mini View  theater (formerly the Peeping Tom Theater) was opened in 2010 to allow showings of adult films.
Theater owner, Jack Handy agreed to show the new Star Wars after getting veiled death threats.  The theater plans to show the film 915 times before New Years day in hopes of breaking even.
"I hate it." said Handy, "but I'm going to have to charge $22. for a small popcorn and Coke just to defray costs.  OFF THE WALL News plans to review the movie in coming days.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

MAN TRYING TO SWALLOW A FROG GETS IT STUCK IN HIS THROAT

ACTING ON A DARE MAY COST STUDENT HIS LIFE, DOCTORS FEAR IF THEY CAN'T REMOVE THE FROG, HE MAY CROAK.....

BRIDGEPORT

Pinky Cheeks  college ID photo
Friends of Pinkerton (Pinky) Cheeks, the Bridgeport University student now in the hospital ICU, say he was always one to try something new.  When someone dared him to swallow the dorm mascot, Kermit the frog, he "jumped" at.
The frog, said to be about the size of a man's clenched fist, barely fit into Cheek's mouth, but after bathing the creature in cooking oil, it slid in quite easily.   According to eye witness accounts, this is when the frog began to show its unwillingness to be swallowed.
After a five minute struggle between Cheek's tongue and the slippery mascot, the frog became logged firmly in Cheek's throat.  Cheeks panicked after being unable to cough up the frog and paramedics were called.
Upon arrival by the paramedics, more confusion took place.  They were told a student had a frog in his throat.  This made them think someone was playing a prank on them.  Once they saw that Cheeks indeed had a frog in his throat, they began assisting his breathing.
Cheeks arrived at Bridgeport General and was placed in the ICU, where he still was as of this report.
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will stay on this story until the final outcome.  What makes this story different said fellow student, Wally Cleaver, is that many frat members are praying for the frog to pull through.


Saturday, December 12, 2015

TRUMP TO BE BANNED FROM BRIDGEPORT OVER TACO DISPUTE

IN A SECRET BALLAD, CITY COUNSEL VOTES 4 TO 0  TO KEEP TRUMP FROM ENTERING THE CITY LIMITS  OVER HIS LATEST DECREE BANNING TACOS.....

BRIDGEPORT

In one of the most spirited city counsel meetings in months, members voted on Friday, to ban Presidential hopeful Donald Trump from stepping one foot into the city limits of Bridgeport. The voting took place after after city officials learned of Donald Trump's wanting to ban tacos as a way to dishearten illegals, causing them to want to return to Mexico.
"It is a downright outrage!"local businessman and counsel member Iken Doolittle stated to customers at his downtown  Hole In The Wall restaurant. "What would we call Taco Tuesday, if tacos were banned?"
Counselman Iken Doolitttle
Doolittle, fearing his Tex Mex restaurant would suffer if the ban were to become law, called for a special city counsel meeting. Mayor Ben Dover returned from a business trip in the Bahamas to call a special meeting to order, last evening.

The discussion was more facial expressions than words after the counsel watched news video of Trump talking about tacos.  OFF THE WALL news was able to obtain a portion of the video.
"We may not have to build that wall I've been telling you about." Trump can be heard saying in a speech at a laundromat.  "I'm a builder, but I'm also a thinker and I think we can get all the illegals to leave if we take away their favorite food.  I'm going to ban tacos!  Don't get me wrong, I love tacos, some of my best friends like tacos, hard shell, soft, it makes no difference.  You can love em, but they gotta go!  Bye, bye taco and burrito too!  I'll ban them my first day in office!"

After a very brief discussion and a round of tequila shots, a  vote was called and passed on first reading.  City Attorney, Shurwill Sueya will begin working on a draft that will ban Donald Trump from entering the city limits of Bridgeport and once completed will be signed into law by the Mayor.
"Banning Tacos? That's un American!" Doolittle  proclaimed as the special meeting ended.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

DAVE TAYLOR AUTHORS SELF HELP BOOK TEACHING OLD DOGS NEW TRICKS

OFF THE WALL NEW'S SENIOR ANCHOR AND REPORTER CLOSE TO RELEASING HIS SECOND SELF HELP BOOK IN TWO WEEKS.....

BRIDGEPORT
12/2/15

Many of his distractors have been saying he's going to the dogs for years and this week Dave Taylor is out to prove them right!  A dog lover since he was a pup himself, Taylor started putting together 101 new tricks to teach to old dogs everywhere.
"A dog is never too old to learn a new trick" Taylor told a group of water hydrant painters at a town meeting recently.  Many laughed until he brought out his dog, Mitch. Taylor then produced a small bag of dog poop and it let drop onto the floor. Mitch howled and waited for Taylor's command. "Clean it up!" Taylor said with a clap of his hands. Mitch ran off stage and came back with a tiny broom and shovel and started cleaning up the mess, wagging his tail as he did so.
The crowd of hydrant painters was ecstatic and gave Mitch and Taylor a round of applause.
"That trick my friends, is trick number 47 and can be found on page sixty of my book.  Trick 48, is very similar, in that Mitch uses a wet mop for those times he doesn't make it outside in time and dribbles all over."

During a Q and A period, Taylor was asked what he considered the most difficult trick to teach an old dog to do. Taylor thought a moment and then replied, "Well for me, it is teaching a dog to sit."

Taylor's book will be available soon in book stores for $25 in a chew proof cover.