Thursday, December 29, 2016

ANNUAL OUT DOOR APPLE BOBBING CONTEST COULD BE PUT ON ICE

WITH WIND CHILL TEMPS FORECAST TO BE IN THE MINUS 30 DEGREE RANGE ON NEW YEARS DAY, SOME ARE CALLING FOR A STOP TO THE PLANNED APPLE BOBBING CONTEST IN BRIDGEPORT PARK....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Newly elected Bridgeport mayor, Goen Styckit is facing his first test as a civil servant this weekend.  With forecasters saying the harsh winter winds coming this weekend could freeze the faces of festive contestants bobbing for apples, many are saying Mayor Styckit should post pone the event until June.  Others are saying it's a part of our New Years Day festival and it should go on as planned.
Jackson Frost after the "bob"
Last year's winner, Jackson Frost would not comment about what Styckit should do, but protested the use of green apples in last year's contest.  "The green apples were harder to bite into," he said.  "I had to keep my head in the water longer and ended up damned near freezing my (expletive) face off!"

Bridgeport has been hosting a New Years day apple bobbing contest in the park every year for twenty years.  It has been just in the last few years that contestants have started suing the city over frostbite and frozen face issues.
The worse case the city faced was settled out of court.  Attempts to reach the plaintiff, who now lives on Maui were unsuccessful.

OFF THE WALL news will report the Mayor's decision as soon as it becomes available.  In the mean time, contestants are signing up and may are accompanied by their personal attorneys.




Wednesday, December 28, 2016

SERIOUS NECK INJURIES ARE ON THE RISE DUE TO UFO SIGHTINGS

THE NATIONAL INSURANCE INSTITUTE REPORTS INJURED NECK CLAIMS HAVE DOUBLED IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS, COINCIDING WITH UFO SIGHTINGS NEAR BRIDGEPORT...


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The anatomy of Crane's Pain caused by UFO sightings
Doris Saliva, 36 is in stable condition tonight  after checking into the Bridgeport Head and Neck Clinic.  Claiming she spotted a strange object in the sky above her house, she craned her head upwards and watched the object move about radically.  In doing so, clinic doctors believe she suffered third degree whiplash as she followed the movement of the object.
This type of whiplash is more commonly called Crane's Pain, for the Bridgeport doctor who first diagnosed it, Dr. Elzer Crane.  "What we have here with Ms. Saliva is  Crane's Pain at its worst." Crane told OFF THE WALL news. "With all the UFO sightings, it's only going to get worse."
Saliva is the sixth person with Crane's Pain to check into the clinic in the last three days.  Officials are recommending people to look downward at a hand held mirror to look for UFOs above them and not to crane their heads skyward.
If you find yourself suffering from Crane's Pain, contact the Bridgeport Head and Neck Clinic and ask for Dr. Crane.
 .

Monday, December 26, 2016

WITH OBAMA ON THE WAY OUT, REPUBLICANS SCRAMBLE TO BEGIN NEW "BLAME GAME"

WITH ONLY WEEKS LEFT BEFORE OBAMA LEAVES OFFICE, SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL IS FRANTICALLY LOOKING FOR A NEW SCAPEGOAT TO BLAME FOR THE COUNTRY'S ILLS.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Although nothing has been said publicly, Republican members in congress have been holding private meetings to decide how to fill the huge void they've created by blaming Obama for everything since his election eight years ago.
Mitch McConnell could feel all eyes on him, as he adjourned the meeting.
Senator Mitch McConnell who once boasted, that his first order of business as Senate Minority Leader was to deny Obama a second term, did everything he could to make sure nothing got done and then put the blame on Obama.
"And now the chickens are coming home to roost," he could be heard telling Paul Ryan as they stood side by side at the urinal during a break in one of the "blame game" meetings.

For a while they thought they could switch the blame to Vladimir Putin, once Trump took the oath of office, but that plan quickly fizzled once the Trump, Putin bromance became public.  Back behind closed doors, Ryan suggested they could somehow put the blame on Hillary Clinton for losing the election, but McConnell nixed that suggestion by saying she has dropped out of politics already.  "We need a more public figure," he added in a shaky voice.  The room became deathly quiet and with all eyes on him, he adjourned the meeting for the day.
OFF THE WALL news has a corespondent embedded in these meetings and will be filing more reports as they become available.








MAN RESCUED FROM LOCKED CAR CALLS IT A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

CHRISTMAS REVELERS OUT CAROLING CHRISTMAS EVE NOTICED A COMATOSE LOOKING MAN SITTING  IN PARKED CAR AND CALLED 911 AFTER HE FAILED TO RESPOND TO THEIR SINGING JINGLE BELLS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Buzz Wurd
Buzz Wurd, 39, of Bridgeport doesn't remember just how or when it happened, but sometime Christmas Eve, he locked himself in his car. The temperature was minus 3 degrees F.  Luckily his car was parked in a neighborhood that still allows Christmas carolers after dark.

After calling 911, the carolers waited for police to arrive before moving on down the street.  Police found Wurd sitting upright and cognitive enough to follow simple instructions to open a window.  Wurd called it a case of a Christmas miracle.  Police called it a case of Miller Lite and he was quickly jailed. 

There is no evidence that he had been driving the car, but he may have had intent, as the car keys were found on the floor.  Wurd would like to thank the carolers for calling 911 and saving his life, but most of all for singing his favorite Christmas song, Jingle Bells.  He's due to get out  of jail before New Years.






 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

NEWLY DISCOVERED MELTED REMAINS OF FROSTY THE SNOWMAN MAY HOLD CLUE TO HIS TRUE IDENTITY

REMAINS OF "FROSTY" TO UNDERGO DNA TESTING OVER THE WEEKEND......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

  A police sketch artist's rendering 
Melted remains of Frosty the Snowman, the fabled character of childhood stories and folklore, was found in a Bridgeport University refrigerator late last night.  Students involved in a Christmas scavenger hunt during a party on campus, opened an old refrigerator in the chemistry lab and were surprised to find a black hat, scarf, and short broom sitting next to a small bucket of water.
A police sketch artist was called in and with the help of a forensic expert, they were able to produce the image shown here.

No one knows for sure if the remains are indeed that of Frosty the Snowman, but a water sample has been sent to Bridgeport water treatment plant for analysis.  If these remains turn out to be the Frosty the Snowman, they will be refrozen,  rolled up, dressed in his likeness just in time for a Christmas display. Be on the look out everyone!

All of us here at OFF THE WALL news, hope our readers everywhere have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

MAN NAMED BEAVER CLEAVER TO SUE CREATORS OF LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

NAMED AFTER THE TV CHARACTER OF THE ONCE PRIME TIME POPULAR TV SHOW OF THE LATE 1960s AND EARLY 70s, PLAINTIFF SAYS HE IS CONSTANTLY HECKLED AND MADE FUN OF......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Beaver Cleaver, 45, of rural Bridgeport, has filed suite and hopes to bring his case to court within the next thirty days. He claims he is getting negative visits from a new neighbor, ironically named Eddie Haskell, calling him twerp, little guy, and young fellow.
A distraught Beaver Cleaver can't sleep
In a private interview with OFF THE WALL news, Cleaver had trouble keeping composed. "Everything was fine until that guy Haskell moved in down the street." he said with a cracking voice.
"If only the creators wouldn't have made that TV show, then my parents would have named me something else.  I could have been Clark, as in Clark Kent. My dad use to love watching Superman.  It was my mom that liked Leave it to Beaver."

Police were sent to talk with Haskell the neighbor and reported him as being the nicest and most polite person they'd ever interviewed.  He told officers, he didn't even know Cleaver and then invited them in for donuts.

Cleaver is asking that all re-runs of the TV show be taken off the air immediately. When and if this case comes to trial, OFF THE WALL news will be there.




Monday, December 19, 2016

TRUMP IS QUESTIONING THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

ON THE DAY THE  ELECTORAL COLLEGE WOULD MAKE HIM THE NEXT PRESIDENT, HE SAYS AN ELECTORAL HIGH SCHOOL COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING AND CHEAPER........

NEW YORK, NY.

Trump's HS graduation picture
President Elect Donald Trump went on a Tweeting frenzy early this morning saying the Electoral College should be abolished and replaced with an Electoral High School.
"We don't need really intelligent people to vote for me", he tweeted at 3:07 A.M.  "I mean you don't need a college degree to be a judge."  "Electoral judges could be high school grads or at least have GEDs!" He said in his last Tweet at 3:15 A.M. before dozing off.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

PUTIN TAKES TRUMP FOR A RIDE

RUSSIAN PHOTO REVEALS VLADIMIR PUTIN AND DONALD TRUMP RIDING OFF TO "BURY THE HATCHET" BETWEEN THE TWO SUPER POWERS.....

PUTIN'S RANCH, RUSSIA

Trump had trouble finding the saddle horn.
President Elect Donald Trump took some time off from naming cabinet choices Friday, to join American rival Vladimir Putin at his ranch for a horseback ride.

Putin got Trump to remove his shirt as a show of unity between the two countries.  Trump was hesitant at first, but soon lost all inhibitions as Putin asked Trump to hold onto the saddle horn while he took the reins to steer the horse.  As it was Trump's first time on a horse, he had trouble finding the saddle horn, as attested to by the look on Putin's face.

The ride lasted for just a little over twenty minutes and a pact was made between the two leaders to ride together again. Except from being saddle sore, Trump enjoyed being what he called a "cowboy" and had nothing but good things to say about his "saddle buddy".  Trump is due back in New York on Monday.  Off the Wall news will be there.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

GLOVES FOUND IN TRUMP TOWER ELEVATOR GO UNCLAIMED

GLOVES FOUND IN A PRIVATE PENTHOUSE ELEVATOR ARE BEING TESTED FOR TRACES OF DNA AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE..........

NEW YORK, NY.

Gloves found in penthouse elevator.
A small pair of mens gloves were found in what is normally a secure area in Trump Tower, the penthouse elevator. When the gloves were first spotted, the area was quickly sealed off to allow bomb sniffing dogs a chance to check for finger bombs.
As a precautionary measure the gloves were tested for traces of DNA and the findings, sealed. The elevator was re-opened an hour later and the gloves were sent to the building's lost and found department.  As of this writing, they still have not been claimed.
Anyone with any information about the gloves is asked to call the Trump Tower security station.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

TRUMP BECAME UNHINGED WHEN JOHN GLENN DID NOT RESPOND TO CABINET APPOINTMENT

IN A 3 A.M. TWEET, BEFORE HE COULD BE STOPPED, TRUMP DUMPED ON JOHN GLENN FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING HIS APPOINTMENT OF SECRETARY OF SPACE IN TRUMP'S NEW PRESIDENTIAL CABINET......

NEW YORK, NY.

Trump giving Glenn "one finger salute.
The tweets were quickly removed from Trump's Twitter feed by Trump staffers.  Before staffers   reacted however, Off the Wall News was on hand to capture the tweets;  "Hey fly boy, U too good to respond? Not sure you even went 2 space".  It was followed up by, "You R A loser and will never be a hero.."
Trump staffers quickly informed him that Glenn had died last week and could not respond.

Sources in the room with Trump said his mouth dropped open at the news of Glenn's death and shouted, "Get that other guy on the phone, Armstrong! Norm Armstrong! Call him now!"
Trumps former campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway heard the ruckus and came running. "Mr. Trump, you're thinking of Neil Armstrong and he died in 2012.  Why not just get some sleep and we can discuss this in the morning."
Trump's face became all orange before he could speak again. "Tomorrow we'll call Vladimir and use one of his space heros." He then clenched his fist and stomped off to bed, much to the relief of Conway and the other staffers. The cabinet post of Secretary of Space was deemed unnecessary the following morning and dropped from the official announcement calendar.
Off the Wall News's sources in the room can not be identified at this time due to obvious reasons, but want their families to know they are thinking of them.

Friday, December 9, 2016

TRUMP APPOINTS JOHN GLENN SECRETARY OF SPACE

IN AN ACT THAT AWED SOME IN HIS TRANSITION TEAM, OTHERS WERE CONFUSED BY HIS CHOICE OF A DEAD MAN...

WASHINGTON D.C.

John Glenn, a true national hero.
In his ongoing quest to stay one step ahead of the media, President Elect Trump tapped retired Marine Corps pilot and former NASA astronaut, John Glenn as his Secretary of Space.  Immediately after the announcement was made, everyone in the press room waited for a punch line and when none came, the room irrupted into uncontrolled pandemonium.  Former campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, finally grabbed the microphone and brought order to chaos.
"I think what Mr. Trump is doing, is thinking outside the box," she said with a measured smile. " You might say, thinking outside the world!  Mr. Trump knows that Mr. Glenn is dead and just wants to help people remember him by giving him a place on the Trump team."
Glenn, who died yesterday at the age of 95, was declared a true national hero for the commitment and service he gave to the country.  Trump, not wanting to be up staged quickly called a news conference behind closed doors at Trump Tower.
Since there is currently not a Secretary of Space position in the President's Cabinet, Trump will be directing his lawyers to draw up a job description to submit to congress.
Off the Wall News may or may not follow this story further.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

CANNIBALISTIC MENU CLOSES LOCAL RESTAURANT, OWNER ARRESTED

AUTHORITIES WERE CALLED TO JEFFREY DILMER'S FINE DINING GRILLE THIS MORNING AFTER REPORTS OF CANNIBALISM SURFACED...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The Bridgeport Health Department raided Jeffrey Dilmer's Fine Dining Grille this morning during the breakfast rush and closed down the establishment much to the ire of the clientele present.  A search warrant was served and officials began searching the walk-in coolers and refrigerators for suspect meat products.
Jeffrey Dilmer
Off the Wall News, learned the action against the diner was initiated after a disgruntled former employee, who told police, Dilmer was always on his back, called the Bridgeport Gazette and told them someone should check out the menu at Jeffrey Dilmer's.  A quick check of the menu revealed some of the entries in question:

"Sloppy Joe","Beans and Frank", and "Mack's Rib", were all served to order.  Other items were, "Chet Nuts, roasted",  "Eggs & Benedict", both served with  a "Salad of Caesar".  Beverages on the menu include, "Bloody Mary" and "Arnold Palmer".  Desserts listed are "Bananas Foster" and "Graham's Cracker"

Owner, Jeffrey Dilmer., was taken out in handcuffs as patrons began throwing what looked like bacon at the officials.  The meat confiscated will be taken to a lab and analyzed by government meat inspectors.  If found to be something other than beef, pork, or chicken, Dilmer, will be charged and most likely lose his restaurant license. Any further charges will be made at that time. Off the Wall News, will be in the court room until this meat case is wrapped up.


 

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

LEAKED PHOTO REVEALS TRUMP AND PENCE HAD A SECRET CAMPAIGN FOR THE STONER VOTE

"MOVE OVER CHEECH AND CHONG, THERE'S NEW TOKERS IN TOWN", WAS THE   SLOGAN USED BY TRUMP IN HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, WOOING THE YUGE STONER POPULATION ON THE WEST COAST......

Dash Cam video picture of Pence, Conway, and Trump
WASHINGTON,  D.C.

There had been whispers behind closed doors in Trump Tower, about a secret campaign for getting the stoner vote, but until yesterday it couldn't be verified. 
The photo that surfaced last evening, was a still taken from a dash cam camera showing an obviously loaded Pence, a stoned Kellyanne Conway in the back seat, and Trump enjoying what he called a yuge fat boy. No one in the Trump transition team would comment on the photo other than say, Pence had to take a few days off after this campaign swing through California.  There is no record of how much good this campaign did, but Trump was seen grinning from ear to ear as he deplaned from his 757 after arriving back in Yew York .
Off the Wall News will be digging deeper to get the whole story.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

DEPARTMENT STORE REPLACING ESCALATORS WITH LADDERS

GOING FOR THE FITNESS CONSCIOUS CROWD, DELBERT'S DEPARTMENT STORE IS REMOVING ITS ESCALATORS AND HAVING LADDERS INSTALLED IN THERE PLACE...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Delbert Bragert, CEO and founder of Delbert's Department Store in downtown Bridgeport, has always been a trend setter in the retail business.  While on a recent cruise he watched fellow sailors climb up and down the ladders to get to different levels of the ship. He became fascinated with ladders and decided then and there to replace the two escalators in his department store with ladders.
One of Delbert's ladders.
In a press release Bragert explained how he planned to have all sale items on the top two floors. "The higher they climb, the lower the prices,  people can actually shop 'til they drop," he joked.
County safety inspector, Burl Tripps couldn't believe Bragert was going to go through with his plan.  "Is he nuts?" he asked. "People will shop til they fall and then what?!"
Bragert is counting on the fitness crowd to keep him going until the obese and aged start climbing around.  He plans to put up a set of monkey bars in the food court this Spring.  Off the Wall News will be on hand and report the developments as they occur.    


Monday, December 5, 2016

CONJOINED BROTHERS ATTACHED AT THE BACK SEEK TO WED FORMER NURSE

THE PAIR WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN APART OR BEEN FACE TO FACE, FELL IN LOVE WITH THEIR NURSE AND ARE HOPING TO MARRY HER......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.
In what wedding planners are calling the perfect threesome, brothers Earl and Ernie Huckleberry, 24, hope to obtain a license to marry their former childhood wet nurse, Jusletta Flow, 49. The brothers agree, it will not be easy cuddling up with her at night, but told Off the Wall News "We have always had to take turns and this will be no different."
Earl and Ernie
Flow has known the brothers since she was hired to help nurse them as babies.  "They were easy to take care of." she said in an interview. "The hard part was weaning them as they got older." 

She left the Huckleberry family when the boys were ten, but kept in contact with them via Skype.  Last month the relationship turned from being one of just friends, to members of  "Skype's Hottest Daters".

Jusletta Flow, nurse photo I.D.
"I know this is going to be awkward at first, but I'll have these two cooing like babies again in no time."  Flow said in a story in Relationship With Twins magazine. 
As for the brothers, they're busy looking for a double breasted tuxedo to wear. "I'm not scared," Earl winked. "I know my brother has my back."

The wedding is scheduled for Christmas Eve and Off the Wall News will be on hand to throw the rice.




 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

WASTING TIME IS NOT ALWAYS WASTED TIME

"NO MATTER HOW YOU DO IT, THE TIME WASTED WASTING TIME IS NOT REALLY WASTED IF YOU ARE HAVING FUN WASTING THE TIME...."   DYM WHITT

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dym Whitt, Time wasting expert, laughs a lot.
"I know, it's confusing," time wasting specialist Dym Whitt,  Bridgeport native, explained to a group of students registered for this weekend's crash course in wasting time.  "You  have all taken the first step in wasting time, by enrolling in this course." 

The weekend course is one of many being offered this year by the Bridgeport Community College.  Whitt, 57, noted time wasted specialist, signed on with the staff to teach three weekend classes this winter.  Enrollment has been heavy and the demand may lead to additional classes in the Spring.
This weekend's course began Friday evening with registration and a social hour at Star Gazer's, a bar Whitt frequents when looking for things to do.

Class began Saturday morning sometime between 7:30 and 9:45, with a meet and greet hand shake from Whitt.  With over 50 students in attendance, Whitt extended the first period until 10:30 and then let students have a break.
Promptly at 11:05, it was think tank time and a large glass fish tank was wheeled into the   room and each member of the class was instructed to peer into the tank, choose a fish, and follow it as it swam around.  At noon, Whitt asked each student what they thought their fish had been thinking as it swam around.
Lunch hour came next, followed by a free time period to let students ponder what they had learned thus far.  The last class of the day Saturday, had students watching Whitt's home movies and guessing where the movies were taken and what was going on.  All agreed it had been a fun day and looked forward to Sunday's class.  Whitt with a laugh, mentioned to OFF THE WALL NEWS, that anyone reading this story would be welcome to join his next class...

Friday, December 2, 2016

TRUMP CONTINUES FILLING CABINET POSITIONS WITH HELP FROM HIS TOP HAT

TRUMP FINDS CHOOSING MEMBERS OF HIS CABINET IS NOT AS HARD AS HE THOUGHT....

TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK

 Kellyanne holds the hat for Trump as supporters look on.
OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a secret picture Friday of Trump choosing members of his cabinet the old fashioned way, pulling names out of a hat. Former campaign manager Kellyanne Conway came up with the idea to help make the transition period less stressful for the president elect.
Kellyanne had Trump give her a list of fellow billionaires that at one time or another had patted him on the back. Then with the help of Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Trump's secretary, Gladys Gulp, Kellyanne put the names in Trump's top hat. As his daughter Ivanka posed for the camera, Trump began pulling names out of the hat and made quick work out of filling his cabinet positions. "This is big!" he smirked. "This is how you get things done and I'm not even in the oval office yet!"
Trump, feeling mischievous, then went and relieved himself out of one of the windows on the fifty-eighth floor. "It's raining!" he shouted out the window before being pulled back by secret service.
OFF THE WALL NEWS has a reporter embedded in Trump Tower and will continue getting these stories out until caught.




Sunday, November 27, 2016

TRUMP'S SUSPICION OF SANTA CLAUS MAY BAR SANTA FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY IN '17

SITING QUESTIONS OF SANTA'S COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, TRUMP IS SEEKING AN INJUNCTION TO KEEP THE "JOLLY OLD ELF" OUTSIDE THE BORDERS OF THE UNITED STATES.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Trump says, "Sorry kids."
Even though President Elect Trump can't do anything about Santa Claus's visit this year, next year could be very different.  Trump has said as President, if Claus should enter the country, he will have him rounded up and deported back to the North Pole.
"I've never been one to believe this man is coming into our homes to spread good cheer." Trump stated on his Twitter account.  "In his disguise, we can't know just who he is." he added in a second tweet.
The news has sent toy stocks plummeting around the world causing Trump to shrug his shoulders and say, "Sorry kids."

Santa receiving pending deportation news.
When Trump's  words reached Santa Clause at the North Pole, his reactions were heart rendering.  He slumped down into his easy chair, put his head down, and small bubbles could be seen bubbling out of his mouth.  "I just don't understand why he'd do such a thing, making children everywhere go without toys and gifts."
Trump was quick to tweet "I'm going to make Christmas great again!"  I'll do that by letting individual families decide if they want to celebrate Christmas or not.

Skeptics however don't believe that Trump will really do what he says about deporting Santa.  The reason being that Trump and his adult children are buying up all the plummeting toy stocks.  Makes one wonder just what's going on. OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor what happens next and keep you informed.




Thursday, November 24, 2016

LOCAL MAN ARRESTED FOR SNAKE BITE

POLICE WERE CALLED AFTER A MAN BIT HIS NEIGHBOR'S PET SNAKE NUMEROUS TIMES....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Robert (Bobby) Socks, 47, of Bridgeport was arrested late last night after police were called to an apartment belonging to Ester Flats, 27.  Flats told the police that Socks showed up at her apartment last night wanting her to show him her snake.  When she did so, he grabbed the three foot long bull snake and began biting it.  A shaken Flats told OFF THE WALL NEWS, "My snake will live, but has lost that lovin' feeling."
Robert (Bobby) Socks (Artist rendition)
Socks was arrested and hauled downtown where he was booked for snake bite.  Records show Socks has a record for unbecoming behavior. He was arrested last year for attempted cock fighting at a local KFC, as well as trying to touch a monkey against its will, while at the zoo.
Socks refused to have his arrest photo taken, instead he sat while a police artist painted his likeness.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this case up to and including the trial.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

BRIDGEPORT THANKSGIVINGS DAY PARADE TO BE HELD INDOORS THIS YEAR

CITY'S DECISION TO TAKE THE CHILL OUT OF THIS YEAR'S PARADE AND MOVE THE PARADE INTO THE OLD BRIDGEPORT DOMED FOOTBALL STADIUM IS DRAWING MIXED SENTIMENT FROM LOCAL RESIDENTS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

City officials, led by Mayor Ben Dover met in a telephone conference call last Sunday and voted to move the annual  parade into into 70,000 seat Bridgeport Stadium. Their reason being, parade goers would not have to suffer in the cold and snowy conditions often experienced around Thanksgiving in Bridgeport.
Mayor Dover is on a Key West  business trip
Dover, who is currently on a business trip in Key West, Florida, told OFF THE WALL NEWS in a text message, "I can't imagine anyone wanting to sit outside and watch a parade in the kind of weather you are having up there. I mean, here it's only77 degrees today and there's talk of postponing the parade here tomorrow because of the cool weather."
While many residents in Bridgeport thought the idea a good one, many more thought less of it. Tillie McBride, 40, was irate.  "I bought four new lawn chairs and new winter coats for the kids, for this year's parade!" She complained. "I just may boycott the parade this year!"
She won't be alone as many are calling for a recall vote of Mayor Dover.  He may be out of a job when he comes back from Florida.
OFF THE WALL NEWS WILL wonders how you, the reader feels. Should the parade be indoors?



TIMES, THEY ARE CHANGING AT OFF THE WALL NEWS!

OFF THE WALL NEWS EXECUTIVES VOTE TO ADD NEW DOMAIN ADDRESS TO HELP NEWS JUNKIES EVERYWHERE  GET THE NEWS FIX THEY NEED AND TO HELP THEM UNDERSTAND WHAT IS NOT UNDERSTANDABLE......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Senior reporter, editor, and anchorman of OFF THE WALL NEWS, Dave Taylor announced late last night that OFF THE WALL NEWS now has a new domain address.  In a short meeting with the overnight staff, Taylor happily explained the decision made by the higher-ups, whom he calls the "people behind the curtain", the executives at OFF THE WALL NEWS.
Dave Taylor  (Drivers license photo)
"It's something I have been lobbying for, for a long time," Taylor told the group. "Now OFF THE WALL NEWS will be more easily accessible for news whores like those of us here." The new address is www.offthewallnews.net

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

TRUMP REPRIMANDED FOR CALLING HIS CABINET MEMBERS, UNDERLINGS

AS THE PRESIDENT ELECT WENT ABOUT SELECTING HIS CABINET MEMBERS ON MONDAY, HE HAD TO BE SCOLDED FOR CALLING THEM UNDERLINGS.....

WASHINGTON D.C.

President Elect Donald Trump was reprimanded five times Monday by his former campaign manager and now adviser, Kellyanne Conway, for calling his new cabinet appointees, underlings. OFF THE WALL NEWS had a reporter embedded to secretly record Conway speaking to the president elect as they stood together watching Governor Chris Christie trying to balance a burrito on his nose. 
"Mr. Trump, I know Ivanka and Don Jr. told you it was appropriate to call appointees underlings, but I assure you it is not."   Trump smiled and acting like he didn't hear her, reached behind her and put his hand to her buttock area. A wide eyed Conway continued, "and that's not either!" 

"She's like a mother to me!"
Trump quickly moved his hand up to her waist and told nearby photographers, "She's like a mother to me!" OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter Pat McGroin (wearing sun glasses to protect his identity) stood directly behind them and heard everything. He was able to file his report late last night along with this follow-up,  Christy failed at his attempt to balance the burrito on his nose and thus was not chosen for any cabinet post.
"That's okay Chris," Trump told a tired Christie, "I've seen enough, go ahead and eat that burrito if you want."  Christie flashed a thumbs up and the burrito was gone in seconds.

OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this transition process.

Monday, November 21, 2016

KIM JONG UN DEMANDS THAT JARED FOGLE, BE FREED FROM U.S. PRISON

THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER AND FORMER SUBWAY PITCHMAN BECAME FRIENDS IN AN INTERNET CHAT ROOM, LEADING JONG UN TO CONCLUDE THAT JARED IS BEING HELD AGAINST HIS WILL AND HAS OFFERED HIM  ASYLUM....

WASHINGTON D.C.

North Korean photo shopped picture
Not since Jared Fogle was caught with his pants down with a hometown cheerleader has there been this much whispering going on behind closed doors. In a secret communication obtained yesterday by OFF THE WALL NEWS between North Korea's Kim Jong Un and President Elect Trump, it was learned that Jong Un's fondness for sub sandwiches has led to his demand for Jared Fogel's  release.  Kim Jong Un's bro-mance with Fogel has led to him to having his minister of tourism create a photo-shopped picture of him and Jared together in a park.
"Trump Subs, they're YUUUGE!"
Word received out of North Korea from OFF THE WALL NEWS reporters embedded there, is that Kim Jong Un plans to build a series of sub sandwich shops across North Korea and have Fogle run them.  Fogle, happily has accepted, especially when promised permission to hire, train, and supervise the young staff.

Trump returned Jong Un's demand with a reply telling Kim Jong Un  he would have to wait until after inauguration day to act, and then only if  he would have the naming rights of the sub shops and get a small percentage of the profits.
If Kim Jong Un approves, Trump already has a slogan picked out,  "Trump Subs, they're Yuuuuge!" 
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story.

Friday, November 18, 2016

COUNTRY WESTERN STAR KILLED IN RAILROAD CROSSING ACCIDENT

HANK WRANGLER, BEST KNOWN FOR HIS HIT COUNTRY SONGS, IS DEAD AT AGE 49 AFTER A TRAIN HITS HIS PICK-UP.  AN INVESTIGATION IS UNDER WAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Country radio stations coast to coast were buzzing last night, playing the songs of country music super star, Hank Wrangler, who's life was snuffed out by one of the freight trains he liked to write about. Just minutes after 11 A.M. yesterday, Wrangler was driving his pick-up on what his mother said was a beer run, when he tried to beat a fast moving freight train to a rail road crossing.
"He failed to get across the tracks in time," his third wife Whiny said, "but that don't (sic) mean he was a loser."
Hank Wrangler's first album hit gold
Wrangler, whose legal name was Catel Wrangler IV, broke onto the country western music scene at age 25 with songs like, "Momma's Little Boy Just Turned 24" and "I'm Your Ex, Not Your Oh." 

He accomplished a lot in his short lifetime, moving out of his mother's house on his 25th birthday, he quickly moved in with and married his first wife, Marmalade, who had been one of  his five baby sitters as a child.  She is credited with coaxing him into entering a country music song writing contest.  He submitted the winning song, which would become his first smash hit, "Miss You Momma".
He left Marmalade after a dispute over bed wetting and moved to Bridgeport, Minnesota to practice playing guitar and write more lyrics. Here he met his second wife, Waxanna and wrote two more hit songs, "I'm The Train and You're my Tracks" and "One More Six-Pack and You'll Look Good".  Both songs hit #1 on the charts and propelled Wrangler to super stardom.  Waxanna left him shortly afterwards for their gardener, plunging Wrangler into deep depression and a hatred of vegetables.  A week later he met his third wife, Whiny, whom many say is the striking image of his mother, Madge. They married in a fever and moved back in with his mother at her invitation.

In the week leading up to his accident, he wrote five songs about freight trains, leading some to believe he had had a premonition. He will be missed by country music fans everywhere. A memorial will be held this weekend at his favorite Bridgeport bar, Casey Jone's Tap.  Attendees will be able to hear all of his songs played back to back, starting with, "Miss You Momma" and ending with, "Scratch My Itch, Bitch".  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

MAN WHO SOLD POPULAR ERECTION DRUG TO MONKS, COULD PAY STIFF FINE

MONKS OF THE BRIDGEPORT HOLY ORDER OF RESURRECTION SAY THEY WERE DUPED INTO USING THE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DRUG VIAGRA, SOME WAITED UP TO SIX HOURS BEFORE SEEKING MEDICAL HELP....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The Bridgeport colony of cloistered monks, Brothers of the Resurrection were preyed upon last Saturday by a known one time huckster, Robby Rebauldy. Promising the colony true resurrection, he sold the holy order an ample supply of the erectile dysfunction drug,Viagra. 
Father John was beside himself

Spokesman for the holy order, Father Smith, spoke to OFF THE WALL NEWS on condition of anonymity. (Father John's real  name was not used for this story.)  "We were looking for a shortcut seeking resurrection and it turned out to be a scam that was very hard on all of us," he admitted in a very soft voice.  "Many of us in the order were brought to the very limit of our beliefs, things almost got out of hand. After six or more hours, we got together and took the bus to the Bridgeport General Hospital to seek  medical attention. It was very humbling."

Rebauldy was apprehended at the airport a few hours later as he boarded a plane for Cancun, Mexico.  In his defense, he told police, he had done nothing wrong.  He stated he promised the monks mass erection and they mistook what he said, thinking he promised them mass resurrection.

The dispute will be settled in a courtroom. Meanwhile, the monks are back in the monastery and once again seeking resurrection the old fashion way, in prayer.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be in the court room and report the findings.

 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

HIDDEN VEGETABLES FOUND IN FRUIT CAKE

WOMAN SHOCKED AFTER FINDING GREEN PEAS, THREE SLICES OF CUCUMBER, AND HALF OF A CARROT IN HER FRUIT CAKE...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Agnes Gags
Agnes Gags, 59, thought her tongue was  playing tricks on her Monday when she tasted carrot in her piece of fruit cake. "I always love picking around in the fruit cake with my fork, looking and tapping on the different pieces of fruit," she told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "I closed my eyes and put a nice sized fork full of fruit cake in my salivating mouth and I knew right away I had a carrot in my mouth!"
Fruit Cake with protruding carrot.
When asked to elaborate, she sheepishly admitted she likes guessing what fruit she has in her mouth. "Fruit cake is an excellent food for this exercise and when my tongue encountered the carrot, I knew something was amiss and it made me down right angry!  Anyone who would slip vegetables into fruit cake ought to be jailed.  I don't know if I'll ever able to eat fruitcake again without keeping my eyes open as I eat."
Gag's remaining fruit cake was taken to the local police station where it was dissected by Bridgeport Police kitchen staff and found to contain four peas, three slices of cucumber, traces of raw spinach, and half a carrot.
Gags told officers the fruit cake came in the mail addressed to her.  "I'm known as the fruit cake lady," she said. "I don't like vegetables and I hope this doesn't happen again!"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this story through the holidays.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

SENIOR TO OPEN ADVICE CENTER IN DOWNTOWN BRIDGEPORT

HOPING TO HELP MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers COPE WITH THE EVER CHANGING WORLD, EIGHTY YEAR OLD IS SET TO SELL "FREE" ADVICE.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Sy Burr in his first selfie
Sy Burr, 80, of rural Bridgeport has given away a ton of free advice over the past 20 years, mostly to family and close friends. "I'm kind of the "Dear Abby" of the family," Burr told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "My great granddaughter told me I should stop giving it away and open up a shop, so that's what I'm gonna do."

Sy Burr has traveled far and wide, high and low in his eighty years. He's lived with Pygmies, has been married three times to women from three different continents, fathering assorted children, worked as a gigolo, was an ordained minister, and for a while, a tour guide at the Great Pyramid of Giza .
In his 30s he was an avid sperm donor before learning to fly fixed wing airplanes, was a boxing coach, a carnival barker, a professional rodeo clown, and a singing coach for cloistered nuns.  His 40s saw him playing back-up guitar with the Rolling Stones and writing songs for the Beatles, walking from coast to coast bare footed, operating a yodeling school, and helping Aunt Jemima create the perfect pancake flour.
Sue Burr, professional dancer
His 50s and 60s found him slowing down a bit as he worked undercover for Scotland Yard before swimming the Amazon River from one end to the other and back again. Hitting age 75 found him marrying his forth wife Sue, whom he met in a dance hall in Reno. "Although the age difference may have some people whispering," he said, " She's the first woman to dance the limbo lower than me and besides that, her grand dad and I are old pool hustlers!"

BURR'S ADVICE CENTER, will be located on 711 Lucky St. and be open from noon to three daily.  Cost of advice will vary depending on its importance. He will also dispense free advice from time to time to those that will listen. His free advice to this reporter was, never eat yellow snow. It will be well taken.


Monday, November 14, 2016

CELEBRATING THREE HUNDRED POSTS AND MORE TO COME

OFF THE WALL NEWS IS CELEBRATING ITS 300th STORY WITH A LOOK BACK AT HOW WE GOT HERE....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor
Founder and Senior Editor/Anchor,  Dave Taylor, 60, of Bridgeport, was tempted to take the day off after contributing to this 300th edition of OFF THE WALL NEWS, but his dedication to finding and reporting news kept him from it. A self proclaimed news-whore, he often sleeps sitting upright, with his laptop velcroed to his lap. Following is a brief history of OTWN submitted by Taylor.

OFF THE WALL NEWS came about in 2012, after purchasing the rights of the young and fledgling news company CHANNEL 1 NEWS. Although CHANNEL 1 NEWS was titillating, I never felt they were committed enough to get down into the slime
to report on things that are sometimes bizarre, disgusting, or unusual. Just short of reporting kinky news, OFF THE WALL NEWS found a niche reporting on stories that were within the realm of being "off the wall".  (For trivia buffs, a contending name for the OFF THE WALL NEWS back then was NEWS FROM LEFT FIELD. I thought readers might think we were a political leaning news organization, so the name was scrapped.)

The first story posted in early March of 2012 was about name changes. OFF THE WALL NEWS made its home in Bridgeport, Minnesota, which had been known as Bridgepark and prior to that it was called Bridgebang. If that wasn't confusing enough, originally the city had been founded with the name of Bridgeport, making the name changes into a complete circle. The city was going through an identity crisis at that time which led the OFF THE WALL NEWS team to settle there.

The one thing that remained constant was the news reporting about news stories not reported anywhere else.  We've reported on Kings and we've reported on Crabs (see our last story) and we've reported on Kings with crabs.  We have set no limits, as our readers have no limits on what they want to know.  We are here 24/7, 365 days a year and would like to hear from you our anonymous readers.  At the end of each story is a place for your comments, which can be posted as an anonymous reader by clicking on Anonymous. I would also like to invite you to go into the OFF THE WALL NEWS archives and read some of the past stories. There's gold in some of them plus there is no charge and never will be.
Lastly, thank you for reading and remember this, we just don't cut through the BS, we have the BS! (Best stories)


Sunday, November 13, 2016

STUDY REVEALS MOST CRABS ARE QUITE CHEERFUL

TEN YEAR STUDY AT BRIDGEPORT UNIVERSITY SHATTERS THE LONG HELD SCIENTIFIC BELIEF THAT CERTAIN BEACH CRUSTACEANS HAVE A BAD DISPOSITION WHICH HAS LED TO CALLING THEM "CRABS".... 


BRIDGEPORT, MN

Lab Crabs, Ole and Lena love a good joke now and then.
Anyone who has been to the beach has most likely had an encounter with a sand crab.They tend to scurry about backwards, burying themselves in the sand just beneath one's toes. Up close, with their leering eyes and featherlike antennae, they tend to look crabby, thus the name given them, crab. As it turns out, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Scientist at Bridgeport University obtained a grant in 2006 to study our little beach buddies and built a small lab on Bridgeport Beach where they began a ten year study.
The prestigious Dr. Nove Ember, the foremost and leading Crabologist, headed up the study and is now writing his memoirs, which will be titled, "My First Encounter With Crabs". 

The dreaded pubic crab.
Dr. Ember broke the news on Friday of the findings of the Crab study.  "We were able to bury tiny microphones in their habitats and record their banter." he told a dumbstruck crowd of listeners.  "We then began to decipher their language, using tools obtained from the NSA and in five years began actual communication with them."
Dr. Ember told of being startled when he heard them telling jokes to each other.  His  favorite,  "Hey Lena, have you heard from your ma?  No Ole, she got scratched."  The two crabs broke out into a fervent laugh and Dr. Ember realized they were talking of their cousin crab, the pubic crab.  "I have been home to these pesky little cousins and do not recommend relationships with them."
As for the sand crabs, further studies have shown sand crabs enjoy  the weekends more than weekdays and like to play between human toes.  All in all they lead a cheerful life and should be renamed, Dr. Ember told OFF THE WALL NEWS. 
He has applied for another grant that will aid in renaming these little rascals. His favorite name right now is Sand Clowns.  Time will tell.




Saturday, November 12, 2016

PUTIN TO BE VISITING PROFESSOR AT TRUMP UNIVERSITY

RUSSIAN LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS AGREED TO HELP THE FALTERING COLLEGE REGAIN ITS REPUTATION.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN

He's going to be great, I can tell you that!
Now that Donald Trump has gotten his way and will be the next President of the United States, he has invited his friend and fellow country leader to join the faculty at Trump University. Putin was quick to accept the invitation saying, "I'd love to give a hand to help out any way I can.  My hands are bigger, so I can be a big help."
Vladimir Putin showing his hand size.
 Critics are saying the move defies logic, as Putin is not a professor of any sort and therefor he cannot be accredited.  Trump University was discredited and is facing multiple law suits.  "My fellow leader of a country will be coming on board." Trump told the press. "With his experience with the KGB, he will know how to keep students paying attention.  He is going to be great, I can tell you that!" The press corps was then led out of the room.
Time will tell how this all plays out and OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.


Thursday, November 10, 2016

POLL FINDS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE READING LESS AND LESS

IF YOU ARE LIKE COUNTLESS THOUSANDS OF OTHERS, YOU ARE NOT READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND MAY BE DREAMING....A SIMPLE PINCH TEST IS ALL THAT'S NEEDED....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Yung Sing Song, polling expert.
If you are indeed reading this, the latest reading polls are in and the written word has taken a real hit over the last few years. With the advent of texting, most schools have removed cursive writing from their curriculum. Today's communicators are using symbols, abbreviations, and pictures to get their points across.
Symbol for Trump
Bridgeport poll taker, Yung Sing Song, 40, reported 98% of the presidential polls he administered, came back with strange markings or with symbols.  "I could not read the results," he told OFF THE WALL NEWS,  "So I guessed. I was thinking Hillary was winning because of certain symbols I was seeing,  (~:) means pretty lady where I grew up.  I saw no symbol for Trump, which is an orange.  I did see a few pictures of fruit cakes, but they were too fuzzy to count."
OFF THE WALL NEWS, stands by its reporting and will use Mr. Sing Song again next election cycle. In his final briefing for this story, he said if more people could actually read, his job would be much easier and the polls more realistic.  Song is also responsible for the latest reading poll you are currently reading about.  Contact Song if you would like to be included in this poll.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

MAN WHO DEVELOPED FIRST PEEL-LESS BANANA KILLED IN FALL

FREAK ACCIDENT CLAIMS THE LIFE OF A GENETIC ENGINEER WHEN HE SLIPS  ON A TEST BANANA PEEL AND HITS HIS HEAD ON AN APPLE CART.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Anyone who has ever slipped on a banana peel and fell can understand the irony of  Dr. Raz A. Dazzle's death on Saturday.  Dazzle (pronounced DA-zil) had just announced his break-through peel-less banana on Thursday and died less than less then 36 hours later by slipping on a banana peel.
Dr. Raz A. Dazzle showing off his peel-less banana last week.
Witnesses who were able to talk about it said Dazzle (pronounced DA-zil) entered the fruit market in his home city of Junia carrying two bananas. One a peel-less banana and the other, a banana with a test peel. He showed the small crowd that had gathered the bananas, ate the one absent a peel, and then removed the test peel from the second banana. As the crowd looked on in astonishment, Dazzle, (pronounce DA-zil) threw the test peel over his shoulder and ate the second banana. It was then that a donkey brayed, spooking Dazzle, (pronounce DA-zil), he stepped back and his foot landed on the test banana peel.  He slipped and cracked his head on an apple cart as he fell.  Apples were sent flying and rolling into the crowd, who were only too eager to gather them before the authorities arrived.
Dr. Dazzle's colleagues were still trying to understand what went wrong this morning while attending a breakfast buffet at Motel 6. "The test banana peel was like sand paper." Professor Ray Zar told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Something went terribly wrong.  I for a fact know that Dr. Dazzle was not skittish around donkeys."
An investigation will follow to find out just what happened.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

IOWA VOTER ARRESTED FOR SUSPICION OF VOTING TWICE

TRUMP SUPPORTER SAYS SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER HER AS SHE PASSED A MOBILE VOTING LOCATION........


DES MOINES, IA.

Terri Lynn Rote
55-year-old Terri Lynn Rote, a Trump supporter from Iowa was arrested without incident after casting two ballots for president in the general election.  She voted once by an early voting absentee ballot and then again at a mobile satellite location. 
"I don't know what came over me." she was heard saying. "I didn't plan on voting twice, but there was something about that mobile voting "booth" that got me excited."
When pressed for details, she whispered, "I thought maybe Donald would be on the bus."  As she was taken away by authorities, she added, "A girl can dream can't she?"
Satellite voting station
As she was being booked, she told officers that after voting for Trump by absentee ballot, she was afraid the vote would be changed to a vote for Hillary. "They say it's rigged you know and I was taking no chances.  Then of course being on a bus with Donald has been a fantasy of mine for some time now."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story through pending trial proceedings and report the outcome.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

OFF THE WALL NEWS ENDORSES PETEA FYLE FOR PRESIDENT

AFTER VETTING BOTH CLINTON AND TRUMP, FYLE SEEMS MORE LIKEABLE, TOUCHING, AND BEST FIT TO LEAD COUNTRY.....

 BRIDGEPORT, MN.
Petea Fyle

No one saw him coming and today he is the most talked about candidate for president in and around Bridgeport since Donald Trump came riding down the escalator over a year ago.  Twenty-sixth in his high school class, he quit school to study hand gestures and politics, obtaining his GED while doing so.

Born and raised on a farm near Buff, Arkansas, he moved to Bridgeport after losing an election for Mayor when he was 22, 26, and again at age 30.  "I wanted to go somewhere where people didn't look at me like I was a loser." he told the Boy Scout troop he joined after his arrival in Bridgeport. "I threw a dart at a map and here I am!"

Campaigning for Mayor in Buff got his juices flowing and he knew he wanted to aim higher.  What really got him going was after watching an episode of The Brady Bunch, where Marcia campaigned for her own bathroom after she found Peter hiding under the sink. "She was awesome!" quipped Fyle. "I hated to see that show canceled, but I knew right then and there, I wanted to be the President of the United States."

Otto Pilot
As he is affiliated with no party, Fyle formed the Buddy Party and  called a boyhood buddy of his, Otto Pilot and asked him to be his running mate.  Pilot accepted and the two said they would do anything to get into the last debate, which seems unlikely since little is known about Pilot, who spent time in the Buff Arkansas county jail.

All in all, OFF THE WALL NEWS in following its creed of "what the hell" has decided to promote this team of unknowns.  Donations are being accepted.

Monday, October 3, 2016

TRUMP BUYS ISLAND IN SOUTH PACIFIC JUST IN CASE HE LOSES ELECTION

A MIDNIGHT TWEET STATES HE PROMISES TO START HIS OWN COUNTRY/KINGDOM IF HE LOSES PRESIDENTIAL BID IN NOVEMBER...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Twitter followers of Donald Trump learned early Tuesday morning of Trumps plans to "dis-associate" himself from the United States if he loses his bid for the White House. He will settle on what he is calling Trump Island, a ten square mile island in the South Pacific, he recently purchased.
Trump Island (circled) will be known as the  Kingdom of Trump
"Let me make it clear," he told OFF THE WALL news in a rare note, attached to a carrier pigeon. "If Crooked Hilary wins, I'm out of here!  I'm moving my family out of Trump Tower and moving to my new island, Trump Island.  I'm inviting my followers to migrate to the island, where they can settle and live in my kingdom." 
When asked to elaborate, he continued.  "I'm promising  them a new life, I mean that.  They're going to love it, it's gonna be huge!  I'm only asking  for a donation of $ 187. from each of them.  This will give them a place on the beach and two AK-47 military rifles to shoot in the air at random.  There is going to be a lot of shooting, I promise you that and everyone will have a job! I'll issue jobs like never before.  They will love it.  I promise you that, and no taxes unless I approve them. 
I may even build a wall around the island to keep out free-loaders, and I'll make them pay for it! Everyone on the island will love me and I love that!  It's going to be great!"
Trump promised to give out more specifics in the coming weeks and OFF THE WALL news will report them.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

HILLARY CAUGHT ON CAMERA AGAIN!!

AFTER VIDEO SHOWS HER NEEDING HELP GETTING INTO HER VAN A FEW WEEKS AGO, SHE DOES A COMPLETE REVERSAL AND COMES TO THE AID OF TWO BODY GUARDS HAVING TROUBLE MOUNTING THE STEPS....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A still photo taken from OFF THE WALL NEWS video programming.
Two secret service body guards wanting to impress their boss, Hillary Clinton, raced up greasy steps to open a door, only to lose their balance and nearly fall.  Luckily for them, H.C. was there to grab them and keep them from falling.  They both thanked her and were allowed to sit on the steps for a few minutes until they regained their composure.
Unverified reports said Russian President, Vladimir Putin was seen observing this event from a window across the street.  Whether this had anything to do with the steps being grease laden is still unproven at this time.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to monitor this story.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

TRUMPS LONG LOST COUSIN SURFACES IN NORTH KOREA

DONALD TRUMP'S COUSIN, DICK TRUMP GAVE A THUMBS UP TO HIS NORTH KOREAN HANDLERS AFTER BEING ALLOWED TO PHONE "HOME".  HE TALKED TO THE DONALD FOR 38 MINUTES ABOUT THE UP COMING ELECTION.......

NORTH KOREA

In a shocking turn of events, Donald Trump accepted a collect call from North Korea on Thursday and was shocked to hear his long lost cousin Dick on the line. 
"I usually don't accept collect calls unless I get a written promise I'll be repaid," Trump told his secret service body guard. "Too many crank calls." 
This call caught him off guard and he accepted, thinking he'd be talking with North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.  When he heard his cousin's voice instead, he was shocked.
Dick Trump at family reunion 1999
Dick Trump was last seen in 1999 at a Trump family reunion, where he won a drinking contest and wandered off.  In 2010, rumors surfaced that he went to South Korea to claim a young bride and from there he was lured by North Korean officials to come North for a free BBQ.
Dick Trump as he looks today.
Once in North Korea, he was taken prisoner and brain washed for eight and a half hours.  Records show he denounced his country club records and soon married one of Kim Jong Un's aunts.  He was not heard from again until Donald Trump's phone rang.
The two cousins talked about numerous things, including Dick's support for Donald.  When the called ended Donald Trump made Dick promise to repay him for the collect call, the next time they met.   OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there to record this event.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

DRUG COMPANY MAY SOON SELL MEDICATIONS DIRECT

PHARMACIES AND PHYSICIANS MAY SOON BE OUT OF THE LOOP IF DRUG COMPANY OWNER HAS HIS WAY BY SELLING MEDICATIONS DIRECT TO CONSUMERS

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Payne Free, testing pharmaceuticals
OFF THE WALL NEWS learned this morning, the pharmaceutical company Payne Free Unlimited has filed papers to sell pharmaceuticals direct to the consumer.  The company, named after its founder has been operating off shore since 1968 and hopes to move to Bridgeport, Minnesota once permission is granted.
When interviewed by OFF THE WALL NEWS last week, Free, 55, said he had nothing against doctors or the corner drug stores, except they are making more than their fair share of money off the drugs his company produces.  He hopes to hire street people, to get his products direct to where they are needed and bypass the middle man.
The Federal Drug Agency is taking steps to see this doesn't happen and will arrest anyone selling Payne Free drugs without a prescription.

Meanwhile, Free has turned over pages upon pages of medical reports, detailing the results of drug tests conducted upon himself, to show the safety of his program. "I'm probably the healthiest person in the room."  he recently told a group of sick people at a free clinic in Bridgeport.
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will follow this story until it is no longer relevant.

TRUMP'S BID FOR PRESIDENCY A HOAX

WHAT STARTED OUT LAST YEAR AS AN IDEA FOR A NEW SITCOM SNOWBALLED INTO A CANDIDACY CAUSING HAVOC IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AND WORLD....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor was contacted over the weekend by a confidant of Donald Trump and told  that Trump's presidential bid for president of the United States was intended to be a new TV sitcom and not a real campaign. He went on to say Trump was "scared sh*tless" and looking for a way to bow out.

TV poster for Trump's sitcom "Clown Runs For Prez"
The new sitcom was to be written, produced, directed, and starring Donald Trump as a clown out to prove he could win the highest office in the land.  It was to be called "Clown Runs For Prez" and he planned to act as himself.  One thing led to another and Trump was soon in over his head, just the same as he was with Trump University, Trump Steak business, and his failed casinos.
Only one episode was produced which was leaked to Fox News and the rest is history.