Saturday, January 23, 2016

SARAH PALIN IS BACK IN THE SPOTLIGHT WITH TRUMP ENDORSEMENT

TRUMP FROZE WHEN HE HEARD THE NEWS, MAKING SOME WONDER IF HE THOUGHT JOHN MCCAIN WAS GETTING BACK AT HIM FOR HIS NOT A HERO REMARKS.....

AMES, IOWA----

A nervous Donald can only smile as Palin rattles on about nothing
Sarah Palin, the 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate came out last week for 2016 presidential hopeful Donald Trump.  Palin, who many Republicans believe had the original idea for alphabet soup noodles, joined Trump on stage and gave a rousing speech covering 26 different subjects.  For the first time since be began his quest for president, Trump was speechless.

Palin told the small crowd of mostly older leering men, "I'm back, and I'm ready to polish Donald's saddle horn if that's what he wants! Its not easy running for the most important job in the state of Washington D.C."  Trump tried to correct her about Washington D.C., but was unable to get a word in edgewise.  He could only smile and nod as Palin continued.
"I've been waiting for someone to take on the role of stud," she said cracking her trademark smile.  "Everyone knows we need a stud in the White House, one  that ain't afraid of light weights like, you know, that Fox reporter, Megyn Kelly! I mean, what is her story anyway? Was she on the rag or what? And further more did you know I can see the moon from my bedroom window?"  She continued with her stumping another fifteen minutes, talking about a wide range of topics, some that got some of the men hooting and hollering.

Trump finally whispered something in her ear and her mouth closed long enough for him to bring the endorsement proceedings to a close.
The jury is still out on how much good this endorsement will do Trump.  Time will tell.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

GREEN BAY QUARTERBACK FILES TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO HAIL MARY, CHURCH SHOCKED!

AARON RODGERS SEEKS TO LEGALLY CHANGE HIS NAME TO HAIL MARY AGAINST THE WISHES OF THE VATICAN WHO SAYS IT WILL CAUSE TOO MUCH CONFUSION

GREEN BAY

Packer's quarterback Aaron Rodgers was in court Monday petitioning to legally change his name to Hail Mary.  "It is a name people are associating me with," he told the judge. "Out of desperation, I've been making hail Mary passes all season and I feel the name fits me."
Rodgers holding a fan he says in not confused
"Not so!" the Vatican responded.  "There was no such thing as football, back in Mary's time. Allowing Mr. Rodgers to rename himself after the Holy Mother would set back our children's catechism by fifty years!"
Rodgers hoped to debunk the Vatican's objections by posing with a young fan whom he claims in not confused at all.  "This kid knows how well I can pass when I'm being chased and already calls me Mr. Mary."

Representatives of the Pope say the Holy Father has written NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to express his displeasure and damnation of Rodger's intentions and has threatened to make watching this years Super Bowl a mortal sin, This would technically make the game unwatchable to millions of Catholic football fans.
Those close to Goodell say he is close to having a a meltdown.  One of the closest members of his entourage told OFF THE WALL NEWS he heard Goodell shouting "And I thought the Goddamned concussion issue was going to bring me down!"  Goodell then kicked a hole in his hotel room wall before locking himself in the bathroom to yell obscenities.
Football experts are saying that one way to put an end to this is to ban hail mary passes.  This would greatly hinder Aaron Rodgers however, leading to more disruption in the game.
Updates to this story will follow.


Saturday, January 2, 2016

STUDY FINDS MOST PEOPLE GAZING AT THEMSELVES IN A SMALL MIRROR, NOT LOOKING AT A SMART PHONE

LATEST SCIENTIFIC PROBE VERIFIES MOST PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY LOOKING AT A SMALL MIRROR AND NOT A SMART PHONE

BRIDGEPORT


A disguised Prof Pubert Tee looks for answers
These days there are hordes of people walking around, head and necks down looking at their "smart phones."  Professor Pubert Tee, of the Bridgeport College of Inquiry, who became famous with his study on the truth of fortune cookies, decided to study this phenomenon.
He disguised himself and began hanging out anywhere people frequented.  He found himself hanging out in restaurants, bars, and rest rooms.  He followed people walking down the street, sometimes late at night. When ever he observed someone looking down at their phone, he would quickly run up behind them and look over their shoulder.  What he discovered, is a true reflection of who we are as a people.  "People are so infatuated with their own image", he reported. "They carry a small mirror to gaze at themselves, making others believe it is a smart phone."
Professor Tee hopes to write a book on his findings titled "No Private Matter" when he gets all his notes together.  "Most people won't admit they are looking at a mirror."  Tee said.  "But I have pictures of them and they will be in the book.  This will bring a new meaning to the word, Googling."
It should be added that Tee spent many days in the hospital as a result from his invasion of other's privacy.

(Editors Note:  This story is the first of what OFF THE WALL NEWS hopes is a more "vanilla" news story, to comply with the wishes of the readers.)