Thursday, May 26, 2016

DISAPPOINTMENT BUILDS AS CANDIDATES CONTINUE TO DISAPPOINT THE MASSES

THE DISAPPOINTMENT LEVEL THIS ELECTION YEAR MAY BE MORE DISAPPOINTING THAN EVER BEFORE...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Voters cover their eyes when asked about candidates
With the presidential election only six months away, the country is awash in disappointment, according to Dr. Mosly Down, a disappointment therapist at the Bridgeport Disappointment Assessment Clinic.  "I've found most of my clients are very disappointed in this year's choice of candidates for the highest office in the land. We haven't reached suicidal tendencies yet, but we are close." Dr. Down told OFF THE WALL NEWS in a noon hour interview.  Last week he spoke at a PTA meeting in Lost Lake and asked the attendees who they would like to see in the white house. "Without hesitation, they all covered their eyes with their hands." he said, biting his lip as he spoke.  When asked by Dave Taylor how this made him feel, he replied, "I was very disappointed."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to monitor this situation right up to election day.
 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

TRUMP WANTS UPCOMING REPUBLICAN CONVENTION TO BE HELD ON HIS CRUISE SHIP

TRUMP  HOPES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD BY TAKING OVER THE CONVENTION AND DOING THE WHOLE NOMINATION THING WHILE ON A HAWAIIAN  CRUISE.....SAYS HE'LL FUND IT HIMSELF AND IS HAVING A SHIP BUILT....


COMEONIWANNALAYYA, HI.

The Donald let his hair down and played the ukulele for Speaker Ryan.
Not since the infamous cruise of the SS Minnow has their been such excitement in the Republican party.  Party leaders debated into the night Monday before voting on moving this summer's convention from Cleveland to the open sea aboard the soon to be cruise ship, Bounty II.
The presumptive presidential nominee Donald Trump, gave it a big thumbs up, saying it would give normal people a chance to see him dressed like Elvis.  Trump has seen the Elvis Presley movie, Blue Hawaii, thirteen times and knows his way around the islands.
Ryan's new convention shirt
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was against the change of venue, citing the name of the cruise ship. "It's the same name as the HMS Bounty, the infamous British ship that was mutinized in 1789!" he shouted out at rowdy party members. "Isn't Trump committing his own mutiny by doing this?"   Trump quickly took Ryan aside and took him into the men's room. Five minutes later Ryan emerged all smiles and wearing his own new Hawaiian shirt.  He had been the last hold out and Trump got his wish on the next vote.
The Bounty II is being built at a shipyard in Maine under the guidance of Trump himself. "I know how to build things!" he told a parrot vendor, "Now how much for a parrot?"
News of this Republican cruise was met with skepticism in both the Clinton and Sanders camp, neither had a comment at this time.




Tuesday, May 10, 2016

MAN DEVELOPS STRANGE EGG YOLK BLISTER ON FINGERS

DOCTORS ARE BAFFLED AT THE STRANGE NEW AFFLICTION FOUND ON LOCAL MAN'S HAND

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Only known picture of the egg yolk blister
Kyle Rooster certainly had something to crow about last Sunday morning when he awoke and discovered a huge egg yolk blister on his hand.  His first thought was that someone had put an egg yolk in his hand, but when he tried to remove it, he found it was attached to his fingers.
Rooster called the hospital and then drove himself to the urgent care wing of the Bridgeport Hospital where he was met by doctors as well as cafeteria staff.
The cafeteria staff was dismissed after doctors determined this was not food related.  Rooster was rushed into an examination room where doctors scrambled to  poke and prod the blister, taking great care not to break it open.
Dr. Timothy Poach told OFF THE WALL NEWS he had never seen anything like it. "We wanted to xray it, but feared we would cook it in the process."
Doctors plan to keep the blister cool and see what happens.

Monday, May 9, 2016

INTERNATIONAL CLUB OF LIARS HOLDS MEETING AS SCHEDULED

BRIDGEPORT MOTEL 6 WAS OVERRUN WITH BOLD FACED LIARS MONDAY MORNING, MUCH TO THE JOY OF SCHEDULED KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BRIDGEPORT MAYOR, BEN DOVER

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Mayor Ben Dover
Members coming in for the convention were led to believe it would be held at the Plaza Hotel and many booked rooms there on Sunday. News spread quickly that they had been lied to after a Plaza Hotel employee let the news slip.  Motel 6  had been the chosen venue, but members weren't told until late Sunday evening.
Motel 6 management worked into the wee hours Sunday night, trying to accommodate the unruly crowd as they piled into the small overcrowded Motel 6 lobby.  Most were angry and homesick, or so they said. According to long time members, nothing can be believed during these conventions.  During Dave Taylor's investigative reporting at the convention, three members faked heart attacks, eight fire alarm buttons were activated, and four women said they had become pregnant.  All of this came about before the first meeting started at 11:00 A.M.  It was revealed later in the day that one of the women making a pregnancy case, was really a male who had hoped to win the Penocchio Long Nose award this year.
Things heated up when Bridgeport Mayor Ben Dover took to the podium.  He began by promising to pay for everyone's room.  This brought about a chorus of yawns and a few hisses.  Taylor smiled and continued even thought the crowd's attention had shifted to their smart phones.  At the end of his fifteen minute speech he made the announcement that he was putting his hat in the ring for Donald Trump's VP.  "I would be the best there is and you can take that to the bank!" he declared with a smile. Someone claiming  to be Donald Trump stood up and called him a liar. Before Dover could respond, someone else pulled and activated the room's fire alarm and everyone left the room for the bar. Mayor Dover left by a side door and was not heard from again.
The convention runs through tomorrow. At least that is what this reporter was told.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

CRUZ SPOTS HICKEY ON FIORINA, SUSPENDS PRESIDENTIAL RACE

SPOTTING THE HICKEY ON CARLY'S UPPER CHEST GAVE THE SENATOR DOUBTS OF HER LOYALTY TO HIM

INDIANA

Cruz was mesmerized by Carly's love trophy (below the arrow)
Senator Ted Cruz suspended his nearly year long quest to become the next president of the United States on Tuesday night after a fall out with his chosen running mate, Carly Fiorina.  He mounted the stage after the primary voting came to an end and with a quivering lip suspended his endeavor. "The people have spoken," he said with glistening eyes.  Most pundits and the vast majority of the nation believe he suspended his bid for the nomination because he was soundly defeated at the end of the day by Donald Trump, when in fact it was for a far different reason.  Dave Taylor, OFF THE WALL'S senior political reporter, dug deep and uncovered the real reason Ted bowed out.
Thirty minutes prior to when the voting was to end, Cruz and Fiorina were in a small auditorium rehearsing their speeches for continuing their race, 'against all odds', as they put it.
Cruz and Fiorina had left Cruz's wife and daughters in the "Family "bus and went into the auditorium alone, in hopes of some peace and quiet.  Fiorina had been secretly complaining to Cruz that his daughters were "bugging the crap" out of her.  Cruz, who often drooled when looking at Fiorina off camera, instructed the secret service to find them a place to be alone.
Once in the small auditorium, Cruz gave a short ten minute rousing speech about how it didn't matter what the people wanted, God wanted him to be president. Carly stood behind him yawning, although she could be seen squeezing his hand with hers.  Once he finished, she took center stage and began her speech about not being a trophy wife.  It was during this speech that Cruz stole a glance down  her low cut dress and discovered a huge hickey.  Secret Service agents in the room said he looked as if he'd been shot and some even rushed up to the stage.
Cruz later confided to OFF THE WALL NEWS, "When I saw that love bite, I knew she wasn't loyal to me.  I thought those things were only in porn movies on my laptop."   He admitted that when he saw the evidence of betrayal, he could not proceed.
When quesitond, Fiorina was flabbergasted.  "It's only a birthmark!  He's an idiot!"

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

MAIL ORDER BRIDE SHOT ON PROSPECTIVE HUSBAND'S PORCH

BRIDGEPORT MAN FINDS HIS MAIL ORDER BRIDE LAYING IN A HEAP ON FRONT PORCH, FOUL PLAY IS EXPECTED

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Clarence Dupree's mail order bride 
Clarence Dupree, 35, couldn't believe what happened when his mail order bride arrived on his doorstep last Saturday.  Dupree was in the middle of changing his bedding last Saturday morning when he heard the doorbell ring. The moment he had been waiting for had arrived, the woman he had chosen from a Russian mail order bride catalog was finally here.  This would be his first face to face meeting with  Katrina Kinkyski and his heart was pounding. Then he heard what he said sounded like a bee bee gun being shot. He rushed to the door and upon opening it saw two men running down the street. The he saw Ms. Kinkyski all crinkly and deflated lying on his doorstep.  "I'll never forget that look of surprise in her eyes" Dupree told OFF THE WALL NEWS'S Dave Taylor. 
Dupree immediately picked her up and brought her inside, "It was a shame, but she had lost that loving feeling." Dupree told Taylor.  "It would have been a great relationship."  He then uncovered her bride catalog photo from beneath his pillow and had to end the interview due to sobbing.
Katrina Kinkski's bride catalog photo
The authorities were contacted and hopefully the gunmen will be found and prosecuted. The county coroner was unable to pinpoint just where the bee bee had entered the lifeless body, but did comment on her soft hair.   OFF THE WALL NEWS  will follow this story to conclusion.