Friday, June 10, 2016

TRUMP PICKS HIMSELF AS RUNNING MATE FOR RACE TO THE WHITEHOUSE

SAYING THERE IS NO ONE BETTER TO BE HIS VICE PRESIDENT THEN HIMSELF, TRUMP CHOOSES HIMSELF TO BE HIS RUNNING MATE COME NOVEMBER.  SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, PAUL RYAN GOES BALLISTIC.........

WASHINGTON D.C.

Early this morning Donald Trump once again made headlines by tweeting his choice for running mate this Fall. "Make no mistake, OK?  I'm choosing the best candidate, I'm choosing myself for VP and I'm gonna be great!"
Trump shows reporters his favorite pimple
Reactions came swift from both the left and right.  House Speaker Paul Ryan was awakened from a sound sleep and upon hearing the news, asked if he was dreaming.  When he was assured he was not, he threw a five pound paper weight at the wall, causing hanging pictures of Ivanka Trump to fall and shatter on the floor.
Paul Ryan wonders just who he endorsed
"What the (expletive) does he think he's doing?!" he shouted.  "He's making not only himself look like a crazy son of a bitch, but he's (expletive) making me look like a (expletive) dumb (expletive) who doesn't know (expletive)!  Doesn't he know he can't choose himself as his running mate?!"

Sen. Sanders upon hearing Trump's choice
Reaction was also swift to arrive from the presumptuous Democratic Presidential candidate, Hilary Clinton.  When told of Trump's tweet, she tweeted her response,  "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha......."  Senator Bernie Sanders told  OFF THE WALL NEWS in a telephone interview, "This shows that Trump never recovered from that bump on the head, he got as a child. Next thing you know, he'll want to debate himself because he know how to masturbate."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow the candidates until they fall or until Fall, which ever comes first.






Thursday, June 9, 2016

GOVERNMENT FILES TO BE OPENED AFTER THOUSANDS SIGN PETITION

GOVERNMENT TO OPEN SECRET FILES AFTER RECEIVING TEN THOUSAND SIGNATURES DEMANDING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ONCE FAMOUS....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Thanks to a petition on Facebook, finally we may learn what happened to many noted people in our not too distant past.  The government has promised to open the files they have on The Pillsbury Dough-boy, Mr. Clean, and Pinocchio, just to name a few of the most popular icons.  Others near the top of the list are Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Pinocchio has retired from adult films
OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to hack the Bureau files in order to give readers a preview of what is to be released on Saturday.
Mr. Clean in 2015, keeping it clean!
Pinocchio, 72, is living in a retirement home near Phoenix, AZ. After his starring role in the movie that bore his name, Pinocchio was typecast and unable to get movie parts in main stream films.  After years of despair and lying about his age, he landed the leading role in "Pinocchio Nose Best", an adult blockbuster film that showcased him in a whole new light.  He was forced to retire in 2001 after he warped and started coughing up sawdust. 
A former star of TV commercials, Mr. Clean, now claims to be a ladies man and has written a book titled "Good Clean Fun", a women's guide to ecstasy without leaving a ring in the bathtub.  Clean, 76, lives alone, but has been seen with an inflatable doll numerous times, in the park near his mobile home. He still works out and  maintains  his mustache.
 
Probably the most famous and favorite character people wonder about is the Pillsbury Dough boy.  After a heated argument with his handlers, over the temperature of the ovens he was required to work in, he left the United States and ended up in Mexico City. He has spent the last twenty years letting people poke him at 100 Pecos a poke.  "It isn't much, but keeps me out of the oven." he confessed to OFF THE WALL NEWS.  He lives in a bread box with the former Little Debbie, who was forced into retirement due to obesity.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

BRIDGEPORT MAN LANDS RECORDING CONTRACT WITH HIS HICCUPS

A CHRONIC CASE OF HICCUPS MAY PAY DIVIDENDS FOR LOCAL MAN AFTER HIS WIFE RECORDS HIM HICCUPING THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Cal N. Dere gets ready to hiccup a song
Cal N. Dere, 57, of Bridgeport has suffered through the last ten years with chronic hiccups. After years of trying every known remedy and device to rid himself of this curse, he began putting a positive spin on it and trained himself to make musical notes.  One evening last month his wife, Ola, heard him hiccuping in his sleep.  "We were in bed and just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard Cal hiccuping the Star Spangled Banner in his sleep." she told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "I quickly grabbed my phone and recorded it."
She then woke Dere and played him the recording.  All he could do was smile as he made a list of songs he wanted to hiccup.  He recorded three of his favorites  and sent them into Party Harte Records.  The songs he hiccuped were, "Hotel California", an Eagles hit song,  "Ina Godda Davida", by Iron Butterfly, and "The Twist", a Chubby Checker hit. Party Harte executives were blown away and signed Dere to a recording contract. 

Dere told OFF THE WALL his biggest fear was touring after his album came out.  "Getting up there on the stage in front of thousands of screaming girls will be a turn on, but it  might scare the hiccups out of me and if that happens, I'm done!"  As for Mrs. Dere's take on all that has happened, " At first his hiccups turned me on, but now I just take it one hiccup at a time."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be at that first concert, when and if it happens.