Sunday, July 31, 2016

LOCAL GROCER'S DECISION TO SELL MYSTERY MEAT HAS PEOPLE LINING UP TO BUY

PUFF'S GROCERIES AND MORE PLANS TO STOCK MYSTERY MEAT IN IT'S MEAT COUNTER BEGINNING MONDAY EVEN THOUGH LITTLE IS KNOWN ABOUT THE PRODUCT....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Yum?
Many thrill seekers have already started to line up outside Puff's Groceries and More, on 45th Street in Bridgeport. Puff's is closed today to clean and de-sanitize their meat case to make ready for the new product.
Buster Nutburg, 65, of Bridgeport, holds first place in line.  He plans to sleep overnight by the front door until the store opens tomorrow.
"Man, this is great!  I'm first in line to buy Mystery Meat.  What is it? Who knows, I mean, who doesn't like a good mystery, right?"
Mystery Meat is just that, a mystery and attempts to learn just what it is made from have been unsuccessful.  Some who have tasted it say it tastes like a mixture of frog and chicken, with hints of buffalo hide.
Buster Nutburg is first in line at Puff's
Aramark, the makers of Mystery Meat, isn't  saying much either, except that it is possibly cooked and feels sticky when handled.  They suggest washing your hands after handling the "meat".
OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a package of Mystery Meat off the internet and tried it out in our test kitchen. The "meat" was fried in a fry pan and the odor that permeated from the sizzling meat reminded the staff of perfumed bug spray.  "Once past the smell, it didn't taste too badly, but it did leave a film on your tongue."
Puff's Groceries and More prides itself on stocking its shelves with mysterious items has taken out an insurance policy to protect themselves against law suits that may arise from Mystery Meat.


 

Saturday, July 30, 2016

DAVE TAYLOR LOOK-A-LIKE CLEARS THE POOL USING OLD COLLEGE PRANK

BRIDGEPORT MUNICIPAL SWIMMING POOL EMPTIES WHEN A DAVE TAYLOR DOUBLE TELLS A YOUNG COED, HE JUST PEED IN THE POOL.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Police are looking for a man in his late 40s, early 50s, who caused swimmers at the Bridgeport Municipal swimming pool to quickly empty out after being told the pool had been compromised with urine.  Life guard, Urma Will caught the exodus on her cell and a close up of the photo shown here, shows a smiling bearded man, in what looks like a yellow pool of water. 
 Police are looking for a bearded man who said he peed in the pool. (lower R)
What made matters worse is this took place on one of the hottest day of the year. 
"The pool was full of college age kids." Ms. Will told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "Then from out of nowhere I saw this older bearded gentleman come out of the shelter and jump in among them. I watched him tread water for a few minutes before whispering something to a young coed. She then screamed, he just pissed in the pool and  bodies began splashing every which way in a panic to get out of the yellow water."

At first pool officials thought the culprit was none other than Dave Taylor, the senior editor and reporter at OFF THE WALL NEWS, but that turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. Taylor was still in Philadelphia, where he had been covering the DNC.
When contacted his reaction was one of disbelief.  "No one looks like me, do they?"
The pool was drained and refilled by nightfall.  The Dave Taylor double is still on the loose and a reward is being offered.

Friday, July 29, 2016

MAN WHO WROTE BOOK ON SURVIVAL DIES AFTER DROWNING IN A BUBBLE BATH

HIS WIDOW WITNESSED THE DROWNING AND PROMISES TO EDIT THE 5000 PAGE SURVIVAL BOOK SO OTHERS WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO THE SAME HORRIBLE DEATH...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Paramedics were called, but they did not arrive in time to save the life of Given Takke who died after drowning in a bubble bath. Takke, 47, a survivalist who just last week survived falling head first into a vat of fresh butter, prided himself in his survival skills and wanted to see how many bubbles it would take to fill his new tub.
The last photo taken of Given Takke
"It was just horrible!" Tiki, his young wife of three weeks told Dave Taylor, senior editor of  OFF THE WALL NEWS. "One minute he was playing with a rubber duck and the next thing you know, he was overtaken by bubbles.  Luckily I had my phone to capture the hideous moment."

Bridgeport police were called but failed to find any wrong doing.  "Its a pure and simple case of too many soap bubbles." Investigative officer Tip O. Verr explained to OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "This case is closed."

The widow has gone into seclusion and advises others to take showers until she can revise Takke's survival book. The rubber duck has been listed on Ebay.





Thursday, July 28, 2016

BRIDGEPORT MAN TO LAUNCH SPARE TIRE BUSINESS IN HIS SPARE TIME

EVEN THOUGH BUSINESS MAY BE FLAT IN THE BEGINNING, HE HOPES TO STAY PUMPED UP UNTIL HIS BUSINESS IS UP AND ROLLING...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Rollo Rubbernoski and some of his spare tires.
Four years ago Rollo Rubbernoski found himself alone on a lonely road with a flat tire.  He jumped out to put on the spare and you guessed it, it was flat!  He flagged down a car and was robbed by highway robbers.  "It came to me then." he told OFF THE WALL NEWS, "If I had had a spare, spare tire, this wouldn't have happened to me." 
He gave up his job as a chef at White Castle and began collecting old spare tires.  He called the time he spent collecting tires, his spare time. It wasn't long until his wife made him stop bringing tires home, so he rented forty acres near the freeway and began filling it with tires of all sizes and shapes.  "No one should be without a spare, spare tire!" is his slogan.  He hopes to put a spare, spare tire in every trunk.  Until then you'll see him climbing around on a mountain of tires near his tire office.  The new business is to open August 1.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

WOMAN UNABLE TO STOP RUNNY NOSE

AFTER HER NOSE HAD BEEN RUNNING NON STOP FOR DAYS, SHE INSERTED NOSE PLUGS WHICH CAUSED HER HEAD AND FACE TO SWELL 

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A Real Headache
Izekea (Pronounced: I-zeek-e-a) Davis, 24, of Bridgeport started feeling her nose run the day Bernie Sanders conceded his race for the White House.  She has always had a nose for politics and remembered it being a strange feeling, as if she was now running for President. Twelve boxes of Kleenex later and after hanging herself upside down ten hours without relief, she decided to to call Dr. Phillip Sponge, of the Eyes, Nose, Ears, and Toes Clinic. Dr. Sponge, who gained notoriety for learning to play his eardrums, suggested that Davis (Pronounced: Day-viss) stuff her nostrils with nose plugs.

"It was wonderful at first!" Davis told Dave Taylor of OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "My lips had become chapped due to the constant running of my nose and when the corks stopped the running, my lips dried right up!  Then I felt it.  My head started filling with the nasal fluid and I feared I could drown."   She drove herself to the clinic and by the time she arrived, her head had swollen to the point, she couldn't recognize herself in the rear-view mirror.
Dr. Sponge took one look at her and shook her head with his hands. Hearing a sloshing sound, he excused himself from the room and returned with a stainless steel bucket, a small inner-tube, and a stack of towels. OFF THE WALL NEWS was then asked to leave the room, while Sponge went to work. Due to patient privacy laws, just what procedure Sponge used on Davis is confidential.

As of last update, Ms. Davis is resting comfortably in a hospital bathtub and plans to debate Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton in a televised debate.  She is being backed by Kleenex.