Tuesday, August 23, 2016

TRUMP PROMISES "ONE HELL OF A RIDE" IF ELECTED

DURING A FUND RAISING WIENER ROAST AT TRUMP HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP'S PLAN TO "TAKE AMERICA FOR THE RIDE OF A LIFETIME" IS ANNOUNCED....

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Speaking at a wiener roast last night in central Minnesota, Trump told the hungry crowd he wanted to take America for a ride.  "Bernie wanted to shake it up, I want to take it for a ride.  I really mean that!"
Trump's new poster, gets to the point
Just then a baby cried in the back of the crowd. "See there," Trump responded.  "There's always that one person in the crowd that disagrees with me.  Put a marshmallow in its mouth!"  He then took a bite of his dog and while his mouth was still full, managed to say, "I'm kidding, I really am."  He winked then said,  "There may not be enough marshmallows to go around."
He waved his free hand and security escorted the woman and her baby off the premises, leaving the woman's half eaten hot dog behind.
This prompted two other supporters in the crowd to quickly lunge for the left over wiener and they ended up in a brawl.  Trump watched for a bit, smiling. "It must be a good dog, right?  This is what I call a dog fight!"  
Trump finished his own roasted wiener then boasted to the news media, "It was bigger than you thought it would be, right?!  When no one took the bate by replying,  marshmallows were handed out to everyone donating $200 or more.  Fifteen people had more than they could eat.
Trump stood on a bench and using a megaphone told the remaining crowd, "I'm gonna take America for a ride!  If you want to go along, hang on tight!" He was then whisked away by security.
His election committee stayed behind to clean up and promised more details tomorrow.











Friday, August 19, 2016

DAVE TAYLOR DETAINED IN RIO BY AUTHORITIES OVER FALSE IDENTITY CLAIM

CLOSE FRIEND RONALD MC DONALD COMES FORWARD JUST AS TAYLOR IS BEING ESCORTED AWAY TO DETENTION QUARTERS, TAYLOR'S IDENTITY WAS AT QUESTION...

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL

Ronald McDonald with Dave Taylor in Rio
The most recognizable clown in the world, Ronald McDonald was on hand to show his serious side Thursday and swear that Dave Taylor was who he claimed to be.  Taylor, in Rio to cover the often under-reported and off the wall Olympic stories, was arrested Thursday after a glitch in passport records stated that he was in Rio using the passport of his good friend B. Peterson.  Records show that Peterson is a homebody and has not traveled outside the states in some years.  The two men do look very much alike, but Ronald McDonald, who knows Taylor from an interview conducted in years past, swore on a Big Mac that Taylor was indeed who he said he was.

Taylor and McDonald posed for a selfie outside a local watering hole before parting.  Taylor was due to leave Rio on Friday.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

OLYMPIC MEDALS FOR BEST BEER BELLYS AWARDED

BRIDGEPORT NATIVE WINS THE SILVER AT RIO, COMING IN SECOND TO A GERMAN AND OUTLASTING THE THIRD PLACE RUSSIAN...A BEER BASH AND PARADE WILL BE HELD DOWNTOWN BRIDGEPORT NEXT WEEK!

 RIO DE JANEIRO

Guzzler, Rienholt, and Karlovski show off their beer bellys
Not all the competition takes place in the Olympic field. Monday night, all the excitement took place in the athletes village. Karl Rienholt, 50 of Germany took the gold, edging out former Bridgeport native, Gil Guzzler, who took silver and Demetri Karlovski, winner of the bronze medal.
The three men drank pitcher after pitcher of beer all day Monday, stretching their belly's to the limit.  Each man then paraded in front of an all Swedish panel of young coeds and revealed their best beer belly pose.
Although many in the audience didn't agree with the judges on the gold medal winner, there was much joy and laughter.
Guzzler told OFF THE WALL NEWS'S Dave Taylor, he enjoyed the competition and would be back in four years and go for the gold.  OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be there.


Friday, August 12, 2016

TRUMP SAYS HE'S JOKING ABOUT BEING INTELLIGENT

TRUMP BECAME TONGUE TIED WHILE VISITING A BRIDGEPORT SIXTH GRADE CIVICS CLASS. WHEN ASKED WHO JOHN ADAMS WAS, HE ANSWERED: HE WAS A BEER BREWER........WHEN TOLD THE CORRECT ANSWER, HE REPLIED, "I WAS JOKING FOR GOD'S SAKE! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!"

 BRIDGEPORT, MN


 One day after telling a crowd of thrill seekers at a Trump rally near  Bridgeport, that he was the smartest man alive, he stumbled when answering a simple question in a sixth grade civics class.

Trump is stumped when quizzed on Adams
Eleven year old Tom Thom, of Bridgeport was called upon to ask the visiting Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump, a question about U.S. Presidents.  He stood up, blinked his eyes, and asked a stern looking Trump, "Sir, who was John Adams?"
Trump made a cockeyed face, played with his tie, shifted from one leg to the other and cleared his throat before answering,  "Mr. Adams was known as a great beer brewer. I've never drank any, but some of the hot women I've known, swear it is still pretty good."
A hush came over the room before the room exploded with childhood laughter.  Trump became noticeably irritated and signaled for his secret service agents to clear the kids out of the room.  As the class room was emptied, one of his aides whispered something into his ear. Trump's eyes widened and he grabbed the microphone.  "I was joking for God's sake, everybody knows that!  John Adams was the second or third President of the United States.  Someone be sure and tell those little laughing brats that."
Trump was then led out of the classroom where he was met by the news media who began questioning his claim of being the smartest man alive. 
"Look, I told you I was joking when I said that. Go ahead, ask me a question with some meat to it.  We all like meat don't we?  I mean I'm a meaty type of guy, you can ask the Mrs."
A reporter from the UK quickly asked Trump who his favorite movie stars were. "Now there's a meaty question.  I like that,"  he replied.  "You gotta like Larry, Curly, and Moe, right?  I do. I mean the Three Stooges were just joking. They were good at it, maybe the best, after me that is."
He was quickly whisked away by his aides before any more questions could be asked.  OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter Dick Tater was allowed to follow the candidate into his waiting bus and will file a report at a later date.





Thursday, August 4, 2016

DAVE TAYLOR SURPRISED BY A GOOD DUNKING FOR HIS BIRTHDAY

OFF THE WALL NEW'S SENIOR EDITOR AND REPORTER GETS THROWN INTO THE  POOL FOR HIS BIRTHDAY AND GETS TO SPEND TIME WITH THE INTERNS....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor treads water with the front office staff interns
Thursday August 4th was Dave Taylor's 60th birthday and on a day he vowed to work a double shift, his crack team of reporters had other ideas.  Shortly after noon as Taylor worked the phone banks, sniffing out off the wall stories,  three of his ace reporters grabbed him and threw him into the company pool. There he was welcomed by five new office interns who were frolicking in the pool while on their lunch break. 

Taylor at first was upset with his reporters, but soon was treading water and joking with the interns.  "He is such a joker!" cried Betty Tickles , 24, a four year intern in the front office. "I've never seen him float before!" 
Taylor gave the interns the afternoon off and together they kept the pool active all afternoon.  This was the first day Taylor did not work in over five years. He promised to make up for it by working  twenty-four hours straight beginning tomorrow morning. 
Happy Birthday Dave,  from the entire staff at OFF THE WALL NEWS!





Tuesday, August 2, 2016

TRUMP MEETS WITH COLONEL SANDERS TO DISCUSS MILITARY STYLE OPTIONS

COLONEL SANDERS WAS CALLED ON BY TRUMP BECAUSE OF HIS MILITARY RANK AND TRUMP'S MUCH NEEDED SUPPORT FROM MILITARY TYPES.....

PITTSBURGH, PA.

"I'm a breast man!"
Not wanting to come off half-baked again in front of hawkish voters, Donald Trump called on his last remaining military supporter for help. Col Sanders was escorted aboard billionaire Donald Trump's private 727 jetliner for a joy ride over Pittsburgh. 
Sanders brought along a giant bucket of extra crispy chicken and enough mashed potatoes and gravy for the whole crew. Trump as usual, began eating before the plane was airborne, hoarding all the white meat pieces, and building a wall around them with napkins.
"These are some big breasts and honestly, I like big breasts!" he told the Colonel while grinning at the this reporter's camera. He then leaned over toward Sanders and said, "I'm joking, you know that, everyone knows that. I like to make jokes.  I could have been a stand up comedian, but I wanted to be rich instead. Oh by the way, did you bring any dessert?"
The two finished off the bucket of chicken and then sat back as Trump's Mexican staff cleared the table. Trump licked his fingers while all the time eying Sander's digits as well.  The two discussed an array of subjects and on three different occasions, Trump mistakenly called Colonel Sanders, Bernie.  He quickly followed up with, "I'm joking, you know that, everybody knows that."  After the third time, Sanders was no longer smiling.
The plane landed just after two thirty P.M. and Colonel Sanders was given a tour of the on board kitchen before deplaning.