Sunday, October 30, 2016

MAN WHO DEVELOPED FIRST PEEL-LESS BANANA KILLED IN FALL

FREAK ACCIDENT CLAIMS THE LIFE OF A GENETIC ENGINEER WHEN HE SLIPS  ON A TEST BANANA PEEL AND HITS HIS HEAD ON AN APPLE CART.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Anyone who has ever slipped on a banana peel and fell can understand the irony of  Dr. Raz A. Dazzle's death on Saturday.  Dazzle (pronounced DA-zil) had just announced his break-through peel-less banana on Thursday and died less than less then 36 hours later by slipping on a banana peel.
Dr. Raz A. Dazzle showing off his peel-less banana last week.
Witnesses who were able to talk about it said Dazzle (pronounced DA-zil) entered the fruit market in his home city of Junia carrying two bananas. One a peel-less banana and the other, a banana with a test peel. He showed the small crowd that had gathered the bananas, ate the one absent a peel, and then removed the test peel from the second banana. As the crowd looked on in astonishment, Dazzle, (pronounce DA-zil) threw the test peel over his shoulder and ate the second banana. It was then that a donkey brayed, spooking Dazzle, (pronounce DA-zil), he stepped back and his foot landed on the test banana peel.  He slipped and cracked his head on an apple cart as he fell.  Apples were sent flying and rolling into the crowd, who were only too eager to gather them before the authorities arrived.
Dr. Dazzle's colleagues were still trying to understand what went wrong this morning while attending a breakfast buffet at Motel 6. "The test banana peel was like sand paper." Professor Ray Zar told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "Something went terribly wrong.  I for a fact know that Dr. Dazzle was not skittish around donkeys."
An investigation will follow to find out just what happened.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

IOWA VOTER ARRESTED FOR SUSPICION OF VOTING TWICE

TRUMP SUPPORTER SAYS SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER HER AS SHE PASSED A MOBILE VOTING LOCATION........


DES MOINES, IA.

Terri Lynn Rote
55-year-old Terri Lynn Rote, a Trump supporter from Iowa was arrested without incident after casting two ballots for president in the general election.  She voted once by an early voting absentee ballot and then again at a mobile satellite location. 
"I don't know what came over me." she was heard saying. "I didn't plan on voting twice, but there was something about that mobile voting "booth" that got me excited."
When pressed for details, she whispered, "I thought maybe Donald would be on the bus."  As she was taken away by authorities, she added, "A girl can dream can't she?"
Satellite voting station
As she was being booked, she told officers that after voting for Trump by absentee ballot, she was afraid the vote would be changed to a vote for Hillary. "They say it's rigged you know and I was taking no chances.  Then of course being on a bus with Donald has been a fantasy of mine for some time now."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story through pending trial proceedings and report the outcome.


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

OFF THE WALL NEWS ENDORSES PETEA FYLE FOR PRESIDENT

AFTER VETTING BOTH CLINTON AND TRUMP, FYLE SEEMS MORE LIKEABLE, TOUCHING, AND BEST FIT TO LEAD COUNTRY.....

 BRIDGEPORT, MN.
Petea Fyle

No one saw him coming and today he is the most talked about candidate for president in and around Bridgeport since Donald Trump came riding down the escalator over a year ago.  Twenty-sixth in his high school class, he quit school to study hand gestures and politics, obtaining his GED while doing so.

Born and raised on a farm near Buff, Arkansas, he moved to Bridgeport after losing an election for Mayor when he was 22, 26, and again at age 30.  "I wanted to go somewhere where people didn't look at me like I was a loser." he told the Boy Scout troop he joined after his arrival in Bridgeport. "I threw a dart at a map and here I am!"

Campaigning for Mayor in Buff got his juices flowing and he knew he wanted to aim higher.  What really got him going was after watching an episode of The Brady Bunch, where Marcia campaigned for her own bathroom after she found Peter hiding under the sink. "She was awesome!" quipped Fyle. "I hated to see that show canceled, but I knew right then and there, I wanted to be the President of the United States."

Otto Pilot
As he is affiliated with no party, Fyle formed the Buddy Party and  called a boyhood buddy of his, Otto Pilot and asked him to be his running mate.  Pilot accepted and the two said they would do anything to get into the last debate, which seems unlikely since little is known about Pilot, who spent time in the Buff Arkansas county jail.

All in all, OFF THE WALL NEWS in following its creed of "what the hell" has decided to promote this team of unknowns.  Donations are being accepted.

Monday, October 3, 2016

TRUMP BUYS ISLAND IN SOUTH PACIFIC JUST IN CASE HE LOSES ELECTION

A MIDNIGHT TWEET STATES HE PROMISES TO START HIS OWN COUNTRY/KINGDOM IF HE LOSES PRESIDENTIAL BID IN NOVEMBER...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Twitter followers of Donald Trump learned early Tuesday morning of Trumps plans to "dis-associate" himself from the United States if he loses his bid for the White House. He will settle on what he is calling Trump Island, a ten square mile island in the South Pacific, he recently purchased.
Trump Island (circled) will be known as the  Kingdom of Trump
"Let me make it clear," he told OFF THE WALL news in a rare note, attached to a carrier pigeon. "If Crooked Hilary wins, I'm out of here!  I'm moving my family out of Trump Tower and moving to my new island, Trump Island.  I'm inviting my followers to migrate to the island, where they can settle and live in my kingdom." 
When asked to elaborate, he continued.  "I'm promising  them a new life, I mean that.  They're going to love it, it's gonna be huge!  I'm only asking  for a donation of $ 187. from each of them.  This will give them a place on the beach and two AK-47 military rifles to shoot in the air at random.  There is going to be a lot of shooting, I promise you that and everyone will have a job! I'll issue jobs like never before.  They will love it.  I promise you that, and no taxes unless I approve them. 
I may even build a wall around the island to keep out free-loaders, and I'll make them pay for it! Everyone on the island will love me and I love that!  It's going to be great!"
Trump promised to give out more specifics in the coming weeks and OFF THE WALL news will report them.