Sunday, November 27, 2016

TRUMP'S SUSPICION OF SANTA CLAUS MAY BAR SANTA FROM ENTERING THE COUNTRY IN '17

SITING QUESTIONS OF SANTA'S COUNTRY OF ORIGIN AND RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, TRUMP IS SEEKING AN INJUNCTION TO KEEP THE "JOLLY OLD ELF" OUTSIDE THE BORDERS OF THE UNITED STATES.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Trump says, "Sorry kids."
Even though President Elect Trump can't do anything about Santa Claus's visit this year, next year could be very different.  Trump has said as President, if Claus should enter the country, he will have him rounded up and deported back to the North Pole.
"I've never been one to believe this man is coming into our homes to spread good cheer." Trump stated on his Twitter account.  "In his disguise, we can't know just who he is." he added in a second tweet.
The news has sent toy stocks plummeting around the world causing Trump to shrug his shoulders and say, "Sorry kids."

Santa receiving pending deportation news.
When Trump's  words reached Santa Clause at the North Pole, his reactions were heart rendering.  He slumped down into his easy chair, put his head down, and small bubbles could be seen bubbling out of his mouth.  "I just don't understand why he'd do such a thing, making children everywhere go without toys and gifts."
Trump was quick to tweet "I'm going to make Christmas great again!"  I'll do that by letting individual families decide if they want to celebrate Christmas or not.

Skeptics however don't believe that Trump will really do what he says about deporting Santa.  The reason being that Trump and his adult children are buying up all the plummeting toy stocks.  Makes one wonder just what's going on. OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor what happens next and keep you informed.




Thursday, November 24, 2016

LOCAL MAN ARRESTED FOR SNAKE BITE

POLICE WERE CALLED AFTER A MAN BIT HIS NEIGHBOR'S PET SNAKE NUMEROUS TIMES....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Robert (Bobby) Socks, 47, of Bridgeport was arrested late last night after police were called to an apartment belonging to Ester Flats, 27.  Flats told the police that Socks showed up at her apartment last night wanting her to show him her snake.  When she did so, he grabbed the three foot long bull snake and began biting it.  A shaken Flats told OFF THE WALL NEWS, "My snake will live, but has lost that lovin' feeling."
Robert (Bobby) Socks (Artist rendition)
Socks was arrested and hauled downtown where he was booked for snake bite.  Records show Socks has a record for unbecoming behavior. He was arrested last year for attempted cock fighting at a local KFC, as well as trying to touch a monkey against its will, while at the zoo.
Socks refused to have his arrest photo taken, instead he sat while a police artist painted his likeness.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this case up to and including the trial.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

BRIDGEPORT THANKSGIVINGS DAY PARADE TO BE HELD INDOORS THIS YEAR

CITY'S DECISION TO TAKE THE CHILL OUT OF THIS YEAR'S PARADE AND MOVE THE PARADE INTO THE OLD BRIDGEPORT DOMED FOOTBALL STADIUM IS DRAWING MIXED SENTIMENT FROM LOCAL RESIDENTS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

City officials, led by Mayor Ben Dover met in a telephone conference call last Sunday and voted to move the annual  parade into into 70,000 seat Bridgeport Stadium. Their reason being, parade goers would not have to suffer in the cold and snowy conditions often experienced around Thanksgiving in Bridgeport.
Mayor Dover is on a Key West  business trip
Dover, who is currently on a business trip in Key West, Florida, told OFF THE WALL NEWS in a text message, "I can't imagine anyone wanting to sit outside and watch a parade in the kind of weather you are having up there. I mean, here it's only77 degrees today and there's talk of postponing the parade here tomorrow because of the cool weather."
While many residents in Bridgeport thought the idea a good one, many more thought less of it. Tillie McBride, 40, was irate.  "I bought four new lawn chairs and new winter coats for the kids, for this year's parade!" She complained. "I just may boycott the parade this year!"
She won't be alone as many are calling for a recall vote of Mayor Dover.  He may be out of a job when he comes back from Florida.
OFF THE WALL NEWS WILL wonders how you, the reader feels. Should the parade be indoors?



TIMES, THEY ARE CHANGING AT OFF THE WALL NEWS!

OFF THE WALL NEWS EXECUTIVES VOTE TO ADD NEW DOMAIN ADDRESS TO HELP NEWS JUNKIES EVERYWHERE  GET THE NEWS FIX THEY NEED AND TO HELP THEM UNDERSTAND WHAT IS NOT UNDERSTANDABLE......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Senior reporter, editor, and anchorman of OFF THE WALL NEWS, Dave Taylor announced late last night that OFF THE WALL NEWS now has a new domain address.  In a short meeting with the overnight staff, Taylor happily explained the decision made by the higher-ups, whom he calls the "people behind the curtain", the executives at OFF THE WALL NEWS.
Dave Taylor  (Drivers license photo)
"It's something I have been lobbying for, for a long time," Taylor told the group. "Now OFF THE WALL NEWS will be more easily accessible for news whores like those of us here." The new address is www.offthewallnews.net

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

TRUMP REPRIMANDED FOR CALLING HIS CABINET MEMBERS, UNDERLINGS

AS THE PRESIDENT ELECT WENT ABOUT SELECTING HIS CABINET MEMBERS ON MONDAY, HE HAD TO BE SCOLDED FOR CALLING THEM UNDERLINGS.....

WASHINGTON D.C.

President Elect Donald Trump was reprimanded five times Monday by his former campaign manager and now adviser, Kellyanne Conway, for calling his new cabinet appointees, underlings. OFF THE WALL NEWS had a reporter embedded to secretly record Conway speaking to the president elect as they stood together watching Governor Chris Christie trying to balance a burrito on his nose. 
"Mr. Trump, I know Ivanka and Don Jr. told you it was appropriate to call appointees underlings, but I assure you it is not."   Trump smiled and acting like he didn't hear her, reached behind her and put his hand to her buttock area. A wide eyed Conway continued, "and that's not either!" 

"She's like a mother to me!"
Trump quickly moved his hand up to her waist and told nearby photographers, "She's like a mother to me!" OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter Pat McGroin (wearing sun glasses to protect his identity) stood directly behind them and heard everything. He was able to file his report late last night along with this follow-up,  Christy failed at his attempt to balance the burrito on his nose and thus was not chosen for any cabinet post.
"That's okay Chris," Trump told a tired Christie, "I've seen enough, go ahead and eat that burrito if you want."  Christie flashed a thumbs up and the burrito was gone in seconds.

OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this transition process.

Monday, November 21, 2016

KIM JONG UN DEMANDS THAT JARED FOGLE, BE FREED FROM U.S. PRISON

THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER AND FORMER SUBWAY PITCHMAN BECAME FRIENDS IN AN INTERNET CHAT ROOM, LEADING JONG UN TO CONCLUDE THAT JARED IS BEING HELD AGAINST HIS WILL AND HAS OFFERED HIM  ASYLUM....

WASHINGTON D.C.

North Korean photo shopped picture
Not since Jared Fogle was caught with his pants down with a hometown cheerleader has there been this much whispering going on behind closed doors. In a secret communication obtained yesterday by OFF THE WALL NEWS between North Korea's Kim Jong Un and President Elect Trump, it was learned that Jong Un's fondness for sub sandwiches has led to his demand for Jared Fogel's  release.  Kim Jong Un's bro-mance with Fogel has led to him to having his minister of tourism create a photo-shopped picture of him and Jared together in a park.
"Trump Subs, they're YUUUGE!"
Word received out of North Korea from OFF THE WALL NEWS reporters embedded there, is that Kim Jong Un plans to build a series of sub sandwich shops across North Korea and have Fogle run them.  Fogle, happily has accepted, especially when promised permission to hire, train, and supervise the young staff.

Trump returned Jong Un's demand with a reply telling Kim Jong Un  he would have to wait until after inauguration day to act, and then only if  he would have the naming rights of the sub shops and get a small percentage of the profits.
If Kim Jong Un approves, Trump already has a slogan picked out,  "Trump Subs, they're Yuuuuge!" 
OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story.

Friday, November 18, 2016

COUNTRY WESTERN STAR KILLED IN RAILROAD CROSSING ACCIDENT

HANK WRANGLER, BEST KNOWN FOR HIS HIT COUNTRY SONGS, IS DEAD AT AGE 49 AFTER A TRAIN HITS HIS PICK-UP.  AN INVESTIGATION IS UNDER WAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Country radio stations coast to coast were buzzing last night, playing the songs of country music super star, Hank Wrangler, who's life was snuffed out by one of the freight trains he liked to write about. Just minutes after 11 A.M. yesterday, Wrangler was driving his pick-up on what his mother said was a beer run, when he tried to beat a fast moving freight train to a rail road crossing.
"He failed to get across the tracks in time," his third wife Whiny said, "but that don't (sic) mean he was a loser."
Hank Wrangler's first album hit gold
Wrangler, whose legal name was Catel Wrangler IV, broke onto the country western music scene at age 25 with songs like, "Momma's Little Boy Just Turned 24" and "I'm Your Ex, Not Your Oh." 

He accomplished a lot in his short lifetime, moving out of his mother's house on his 25th birthday, he quickly moved in with and married his first wife, Marmalade, who had been one of  his five baby sitters as a child.  She is credited with coaxing him into entering a country music song writing contest.  He submitted the winning song, which would become his first smash hit, "Miss You Momma".
He left Marmalade after a dispute over bed wetting and moved to Bridgeport, Minnesota to practice playing guitar and write more lyrics. Here he met his second wife, Waxanna and wrote two more hit songs, "I'm The Train and You're my Tracks" and "One More Six-Pack and You'll Look Good".  Both songs hit #1 on the charts and propelled Wrangler to super stardom.  Waxanna left him shortly afterwards for their gardener, plunging Wrangler into deep depression and a hatred of vegetables.  A week later he met his third wife, Whiny, whom many say is the striking image of his mother, Madge. They married in a fever and moved back in with his mother at her invitation.

In the week leading up to his accident, he wrote five songs about freight trains, leading some to believe he had had a premonition. He will be missed by country music fans everywhere. A memorial will be held this weekend at his favorite Bridgeport bar, Casey Jone's Tap.  Attendees will be able to hear all of his songs played back to back, starting with, "Miss You Momma" and ending with, "Scratch My Itch, Bitch".  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

MAN WHO SOLD POPULAR ERECTION DRUG TO MONKS, COULD PAY STIFF FINE

MONKS OF THE BRIDGEPORT HOLY ORDER OF RESURRECTION SAY THEY WERE DUPED INTO USING THE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION DRUG VIAGRA, SOME WAITED UP TO SIX HOURS BEFORE SEEKING MEDICAL HELP....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The Bridgeport colony of cloistered monks, Brothers of the Resurrection were preyed upon last Saturday by a known one time huckster, Robby Rebauldy. Promising the colony true resurrection, he sold the holy order an ample supply of the erectile dysfunction drug,Viagra. 
Father John was beside himself

Spokesman for the holy order, Father Smith, spoke to OFF THE WALL NEWS on condition of anonymity. (Father John's real  name was not used for this story.)  "We were looking for a shortcut seeking resurrection and it turned out to be a scam that was very hard on all of us," he admitted in a very soft voice.  "Many of us in the order were brought to the very limit of our beliefs, things almost got out of hand. After six or more hours, we got together and took the bus to the Bridgeport General Hospital to seek  medical attention. It was very humbling."

Rebauldy was apprehended at the airport a few hours later as he boarded a plane for Cancun, Mexico.  In his defense, he told police, he had done nothing wrong.  He stated he promised the monks mass erection and they mistook what he said, thinking he promised them mass resurrection.

The dispute will be settled in a courtroom. Meanwhile, the monks are back in the monastery and once again seeking resurrection the old fashion way, in prayer.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be in the court room and report the findings.

 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

HIDDEN VEGETABLES FOUND IN FRUIT CAKE

WOMAN SHOCKED AFTER FINDING GREEN PEAS, THREE SLICES OF CUCUMBER, AND HALF OF A CARROT IN HER FRUIT CAKE...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Agnes Gags
Agnes Gags, 59, thought her tongue was  playing tricks on her Monday when she tasted carrot in her piece of fruit cake. "I always love picking around in the fruit cake with my fork, looking and tapping on the different pieces of fruit," she told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "I closed my eyes and put a nice sized fork full of fruit cake in my salivating mouth and I knew right away I had a carrot in my mouth!"
Fruit Cake with protruding carrot.
When asked to elaborate, she sheepishly admitted she likes guessing what fruit she has in her mouth. "Fruit cake is an excellent food for this exercise and when my tongue encountered the carrot, I knew something was amiss and it made me down right angry!  Anyone who would slip vegetables into fruit cake ought to be jailed.  I don't know if I'll ever able to eat fruitcake again without keeping my eyes open as I eat."
Gag's remaining fruit cake was taken to the local police station where it was dissected by Bridgeport Police kitchen staff and found to contain four peas, three slices of cucumber, traces of raw spinach, and half a carrot.
Gags told officers the fruit cake came in the mail addressed to her.  "I'm known as the fruit cake lady," she said. "I don't like vegetables and I hope this doesn't happen again!"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will follow this story through the holidays.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

SENIOR TO OPEN ADVICE CENTER IN DOWNTOWN BRIDGEPORT

HOPING TO HELP MILLENNIALS AND GEN Xers COPE WITH THE EVER CHANGING WORLD, EIGHTY YEAR OLD IS SET TO SELL "FREE" ADVICE.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Sy Burr in his first selfie
Sy Burr, 80, of rural Bridgeport has given away a ton of free advice over the past 20 years, mostly to family and close friends. "I'm kind of the "Dear Abby" of the family," Burr told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "My great granddaughter told me I should stop giving it away and open up a shop, so that's what I'm gonna do."

Sy Burr has traveled far and wide, high and low in his eighty years. He's lived with Pygmies, has been married three times to women from three different continents, fathering assorted children, worked as a gigolo, was an ordained minister, and for a while, a tour guide at the Great Pyramid of Giza .
In his 30s he was an avid sperm donor before learning to fly fixed wing airplanes, was a boxing coach, a carnival barker, a professional rodeo clown, and a singing coach for cloistered nuns.  His 40s saw him playing back-up guitar with the Rolling Stones and writing songs for the Beatles, walking from coast to coast bare footed, operating a yodeling school, and helping Aunt Jemima create the perfect pancake flour.
Sue Burr, professional dancer
His 50s and 60s found him slowing down a bit as he worked undercover for Scotland Yard before swimming the Amazon River from one end to the other and back again. Hitting age 75 found him marrying his forth wife Sue, whom he met in a dance hall in Reno. "Although the age difference may have some people whispering," he said, " She's the first woman to dance the limbo lower than me and besides that, her grand dad and I are old pool hustlers!"

BURR'S ADVICE CENTER, will be located on 711 Lucky St. and be open from noon to three daily.  Cost of advice will vary depending on its importance. He will also dispense free advice from time to time to those that will listen. His free advice to this reporter was, never eat yellow snow. It will be well taken.


Monday, November 14, 2016

CELEBRATING THREE HUNDRED POSTS AND MORE TO COME

OFF THE WALL NEWS IS CELEBRATING ITS 300th STORY WITH A LOOK BACK AT HOW WE GOT HERE....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor
Founder and Senior Editor/Anchor,  Dave Taylor, 60, of Bridgeport, was tempted to take the day off after contributing to this 300th edition of OFF THE WALL NEWS, but his dedication to finding and reporting news kept him from it. A self proclaimed news-whore, he often sleeps sitting upright, with his laptop velcroed to his lap. Following is a brief history of OTWN submitted by Taylor.

OFF THE WALL NEWS came about in 2012, after purchasing the rights of the young and fledgling news company CHANNEL 1 NEWS. Although CHANNEL 1 NEWS was titillating, I never felt they were committed enough to get down into the slime
to report on things that are sometimes bizarre, disgusting, or unusual. Just short of reporting kinky news, OFF THE WALL NEWS found a niche reporting on stories that were within the realm of being "off the wall".  (For trivia buffs, a contending name for the OFF THE WALL NEWS back then was NEWS FROM LEFT FIELD. I thought readers might think we were a political leaning news organization, so the name was scrapped.)

The first story posted in early March of 2012 was about name changes. OFF THE WALL NEWS made its home in Bridgeport, Minnesota, which had been known as Bridgepark and prior to that it was called Bridgebang. If that wasn't confusing enough, originally the city had been founded with the name of Bridgeport, making the name changes into a complete circle. The city was going through an identity crisis at that time which led the OFF THE WALL NEWS team to settle there.

The one thing that remained constant was the news reporting about news stories not reported anywhere else.  We've reported on Kings and we've reported on Crabs (see our last story) and we've reported on Kings with crabs.  We have set no limits, as our readers have no limits on what they want to know.  We are here 24/7, 365 days a year and would like to hear from you our anonymous readers.  At the end of each story is a place for your comments, which can be posted as an anonymous reader by clicking on Anonymous. I would also like to invite you to go into the OFF THE WALL NEWS archives and read some of the past stories. There's gold in some of them plus there is no charge and never will be.
Lastly, thank you for reading and remember this, we just don't cut through the BS, we have the BS! (Best stories)


Sunday, November 13, 2016

STUDY REVEALS MOST CRABS ARE QUITE CHEERFUL

TEN YEAR STUDY AT BRIDGEPORT UNIVERSITY SHATTERS THE LONG HELD SCIENTIFIC BELIEF THAT CERTAIN BEACH CRUSTACEANS HAVE A BAD DISPOSITION WHICH HAS LED TO CALLING THEM "CRABS".... 


BRIDGEPORT, MN

Lab Crabs, Ole and Lena love a good joke now and then.
Anyone who has been to the beach has most likely had an encounter with a sand crab.They tend to scurry about backwards, burying themselves in the sand just beneath one's toes. Up close, with their leering eyes and featherlike antennae, they tend to look crabby, thus the name given them, crab. As it turns out, nothing could be farther from the truth.

Scientist at Bridgeport University obtained a grant in 2006 to study our little beach buddies and built a small lab on Bridgeport Beach where they began a ten year study.
The prestigious Dr. Nove Ember, the foremost and leading Crabologist, headed up the study and is now writing his memoirs, which will be titled, "My First Encounter With Crabs". 

The dreaded pubic crab.
Dr. Ember broke the news on Friday of the findings of the Crab study.  "We were able to bury tiny microphones in their habitats and record their banter." he told a dumbstruck crowd of listeners.  "We then began to decipher their language, using tools obtained from the NSA and in five years began actual communication with them."
Dr. Ember told of being startled when he heard them telling jokes to each other.  His  favorite,  "Hey Lena, have you heard from your ma?  No Ole, she got scratched."  The two crabs broke out into a fervent laugh and Dr. Ember realized they were talking of their cousin crab, the pubic crab.  "I have been home to these pesky little cousins and do not recommend relationships with them."
As for the sand crabs, further studies have shown sand crabs enjoy  the weekends more than weekdays and like to play between human toes.  All in all they lead a cheerful life and should be renamed, Dr. Ember told OFF THE WALL NEWS. 
He has applied for another grant that will aid in renaming these little rascals. His favorite name right now is Sand Clowns.  Time will tell.




Saturday, November 12, 2016

PUTIN TO BE VISITING PROFESSOR AT TRUMP UNIVERSITY

RUSSIAN LEADER VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS AGREED TO HELP THE FALTERING COLLEGE REGAIN ITS REPUTATION.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN

He's going to be great, I can tell you that!
Now that Donald Trump has gotten his way and will be the next President of the United States, he has invited his friend and fellow country leader to join the faculty at Trump University. Putin was quick to accept the invitation saying, "I'd love to give a hand to help out any way I can.  My hands are bigger, so I can be a big help."
Vladimir Putin showing his hand size.
 Critics are saying the move defies logic, as Putin is not a professor of any sort and therefor he cannot be accredited.  Trump University was discredited and is facing multiple law suits.  "My fellow leader of a country will be coming on board." Trump told the press. "With his experience with the KGB, he will know how to keep students paying attention.  He is going to be great, I can tell you that!" The press corps was then led out of the room.
Time will tell how this all plays out and OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there.


Thursday, November 10, 2016

POLL FINDS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE READING LESS AND LESS

IF YOU ARE LIKE COUNTLESS THOUSANDS OF OTHERS, YOU ARE NOT READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND MAY BE DREAMING....A SIMPLE PINCH TEST IS ALL THAT'S NEEDED....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Yung Sing Song, polling expert.
If you are indeed reading this, the latest reading polls are in and the written word has taken a real hit over the last few years. With the advent of texting, most schools have removed cursive writing from their curriculum. Today's communicators are using symbols, abbreviations, and pictures to get their points across.
Symbol for Trump
Bridgeport poll taker, Yung Sing Song, 40, reported 98% of the presidential polls he administered, came back with strange markings or with symbols.  "I could not read the results," he told OFF THE WALL NEWS,  "So I guessed. I was thinking Hillary was winning because of certain symbols I was seeing,  (~:) means pretty lady where I grew up.  I saw no symbol for Trump, which is an orange.  I did see a few pictures of fruit cakes, but they were too fuzzy to count."
OFF THE WALL NEWS, stands by its reporting and will use Mr. Sing Song again next election cycle. In his final briefing for this story, he said if more people could actually read, his job would be much easier and the polls more realistic.  Song is also responsible for the latest reading poll you are currently reading about.  Contact Song if you would like to be included in this poll.