Thursday, December 29, 2016

ANNUAL OUT DOOR APPLE BOBBING CONTEST COULD BE PUT ON ICE

WITH WIND CHILL TEMPS FORECAST TO BE IN THE MINUS 30 DEGREE RANGE ON NEW YEARS DAY, SOME ARE CALLING FOR A STOP TO THE PLANNED APPLE BOBBING CONTEST IN BRIDGEPORT PARK....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Newly elected Bridgeport mayor, Goen Styckit is facing his first test as a civil servant this weekend.  With forecasters saying the harsh winter winds coming this weekend could freeze the faces of festive contestants bobbing for apples, many are saying Mayor Styckit should post pone the event until June.  Others are saying it's a part of our New Years Day festival and it should go on as planned.
Jackson Frost after the "bob"
Last year's winner, Jackson Frost would not comment about what Styckit should do, but protested the use of green apples in last year's contest.  "The green apples were harder to bite into," he said.  "I had to keep my head in the water longer and ended up damned near freezing my (expletive) face off!"

Bridgeport has been hosting a New Years day apple bobbing contest in the park every year for twenty years.  It has been just in the last few years that contestants have started suing the city over frostbite and frozen face issues.
The worse case the city faced was settled out of court.  Attempts to reach the plaintiff, who now lives on Maui were unsuccessful.

OFF THE WALL news will report the Mayor's decision as soon as it becomes available.  In the mean time, contestants are signing up and may are accompanied by their personal attorneys.




Wednesday, December 28, 2016

SERIOUS NECK INJURIES ARE ON THE RISE DUE TO UFO SIGHTINGS

THE NATIONAL INSURANCE INSTITUTE REPORTS INJURED NECK CLAIMS HAVE DOUBLED IN THE LAST THREE MONTHS, COINCIDING WITH UFO SIGHTINGS NEAR BRIDGEPORT...


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The anatomy of Crane's Pain caused by UFO sightings
Doris Saliva, 36 is in stable condition tonight  after checking into the Bridgeport Head and Neck Clinic.  Claiming she spotted a strange object in the sky above her house, she craned her head upwards and watched the object move about radically.  In doing so, clinic doctors believe she suffered third degree whiplash as she followed the movement of the object.
This type of whiplash is more commonly called Crane's Pain, for the Bridgeport doctor who first diagnosed it, Dr. Elzer Crane.  "What we have here with Ms. Saliva is  Crane's Pain at its worst." Crane told OFF THE WALL news. "With all the UFO sightings, it's only going to get worse."
Saliva is the sixth person with Crane's Pain to check into the clinic in the last three days.  Officials are recommending people to look downward at a hand held mirror to look for UFOs above them and not to crane their heads skyward.
If you find yourself suffering from Crane's Pain, contact the Bridgeport Head and Neck Clinic and ask for Dr. Crane.
 .

Monday, December 26, 2016

WITH OBAMA ON THE WAY OUT, REPUBLICANS SCRAMBLE TO BEGIN NEW "BLAME GAME"

WITH ONLY WEEKS LEFT BEFORE OBAMA LEAVES OFFICE, SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL IS FRANTICALLY LOOKING FOR A NEW SCAPEGOAT TO BLAME FOR THE COUNTRY'S ILLS.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Although nothing has been said publicly, Republican members in congress have been holding private meetings to decide how to fill the huge void they've created by blaming Obama for everything since his election eight years ago.
Mitch McConnell could feel all eyes on him, as he adjourned the meeting.
Senator Mitch McConnell who once boasted, that his first order of business as Senate Minority Leader was to deny Obama a second term, did everything he could to make sure nothing got done and then put the blame on Obama.
"And now the chickens are coming home to roost," he could be heard telling Paul Ryan as they stood side by side at the urinal during a break in one of the "blame game" meetings.

For a while they thought they could switch the blame to Vladimir Putin, once Trump took the oath of office, but that plan quickly fizzled once the Trump, Putin bromance became public.  Back behind closed doors, Ryan suggested they could somehow put the blame on Hillary Clinton for losing the election, but McConnell nixed that suggestion by saying she has dropped out of politics already.  "We need a more public figure," he added in a shaky voice.  The room became deathly quiet and with all eyes on him, he adjourned the meeting for the day.
OFF THE WALL news has a corespondent embedded in these meetings and will be filing more reports as they become available.








MAN RESCUED FROM LOCKED CAR CALLS IT A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

CHRISTMAS REVELERS OUT CAROLING CHRISTMAS EVE NOTICED A COMATOSE LOOKING MAN SITTING  IN PARKED CAR AND CALLED 911 AFTER HE FAILED TO RESPOND TO THEIR SINGING JINGLE BELLS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Buzz Wurd
Buzz Wurd, 39, of Bridgeport doesn't remember just how or when it happened, but sometime Christmas Eve, he locked himself in his car. The temperature was minus 3 degrees F.  Luckily his car was parked in a neighborhood that still allows Christmas carolers after dark.

After calling 911, the carolers waited for police to arrive before moving on down the street.  Police found Wurd sitting upright and cognitive enough to follow simple instructions to open a window.  Wurd called it a case of a Christmas miracle.  Police called it a case of Miller Lite and he was quickly jailed. 

There is no evidence that he had been driving the car, but he may have had intent, as the car keys were found on the floor.  Wurd would like to thank the carolers for calling 911 and saving his life, but most of all for singing his favorite Christmas song, Jingle Bells.  He's due to get out  of jail before New Years.






 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

NEWLY DISCOVERED MELTED REMAINS OF FROSTY THE SNOWMAN MAY HOLD CLUE TO HIS TRUE IDENTITY

REMAINS OF "FROSTY" TO UNDERGO DNA TESTING OVER THE WEEKEND......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

  A police sketch artist's rendering 
Melted remains of Frosty the Snowman, the fabled character of childhood stories and folklore, was found in a Bridgeport University refrigerator late last night.  Students involved in a Christmas scavenger hunt during a party on campus, opened an old refrigerator in the chemistry lab and were surprised to find a black hat, scarf, and short broom sitting next to a small bucket of water.
A police sketch artist was called in and with the help of a forensic expert, they were able to produce the image shown here.

No one knows for sure if the remains are indeed that of Frosty the Snowman, but a water sample has been sent to Bridgeport water treatment plant for analysis.  If these remains turn out to be the Frosty the Snowman, they will be refrozen,  rolled up, dressed in his likeness just in time for a Christmas display. Be on the look out everyone!

All of us here at OFF THE WALL news, hope our readers everywhere have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

MAN NAMED BEAVER CLEAVER TO SUE CREATORS OF LEAVE IT TO BEAVER

NAMED AFTER THE TV CHARACTER OF THE ONCE PRIME TIME POPULAR TV SHOW OF THE LATE 1960s AND EARLY 70s, PLAINTIFF SAYS HE IS CONSTANTLY HECKLED AND MADE FUN OF......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Beaver Cleaver, 45, of rural Bridgeport, has filed suite and hopes to bring his case to court within the next thirty days. He claims he is getting negative visits from a new neighbor, ironically named Eddie Haskell, calling him twerp, little guy, and young fellow.
A distraught Beaver Cleaver can't sleep
In a private interview with OFF THE WALL news, Cleaver had trouble keeping composed. "Everything was fine until that guy Haskell moved in down the street." he said with a cracking voice.
"If only the creators wouldn't have made that TV show, then my parents would have named me something else.  I could have been Clark, as in Clark Kent. My dad use to love watching Superman.  It was my mom that liked Leave it to Beaver."

Police were sent to talk with Haskell the neighbor and reported him as being the nicest and most polite person they'd ever interviewed.  He told officers, he didn't even know Cleaver and then invited them in for donuts.

Cleaver is asking that all re-runs of the TV show be taken off the air immediately. When and if this case comes to trial, OFF THE WALL news will be there.




Monday, December 19, 2016

TRUMP IS QUESTIONING THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

ON THE DAY THE  ELECTORAL COLLEGE WOULD MAKE HIM THE NEXT PRESIDENT, HE SAYS AN ELECTORAL HIGH SCHOOL COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING AND CHEAPER........

NEW YORK, NY.

Trump's HS graduation picture
President Elect Donald Trump went on a Tweeting frenzy early this morning saying the Electoral College should be abolished and replaced with an Electoral High School.
"We don't need really intelligent people to vote for me", he tweeted at 3:07 A.M.  "I mean you don't need a college degree to be a judge."  "Electoral judges could be high school grads or at least have GEDs!" He said in his last Tweet at 3:15 A.M. before dozing off.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

PUTIN TAKES TRUMP FOR A RIDE

RUSSIAN PHOTO REVEALS VLADIMIR PUTIN AND DONALD TRUMP RIDING OFF TO "BURY THE HATCHET" BETWEEN THE TWO SUPER POWERS.....

PUTIN'S RANCH, RUSSIA

Trump had trouble finding the saddle horn.
President Elect Donald Trump took some time off from naming cabinet choices Friday, to join American rival Vladimir Putin at his ranch for a horseback ride.

Putin got Trump to remove his shirt as a show of unity between the two countries.  Trump was hesitant at first, but soon lost all inhibitions as Putin asked Trump to hold onto the saddle horn while he took the reins to steer the horse.  As it was Trump's first time on a horse, he had trouble finding the saddle horn, as attested to by the look on Putin's face.

The ride lasted for just a little over twenty minutes and a pact was made between the two leaders to ride together again. Except from being saddle sore, Trump enjoyed being what he called a "cowboy" and had nothing but good things to say about his "saddle buddy".  Trump is due back in New York on Monday.  Off the Wall news will be there.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

GLOVES FOUND IN TRUMP TOWER ELEVATOR GO UNCLAIMED

GLOVES FOUND IN A PRIVATE PENTHOUSE ELEVATOR ARE BEING TESTED FOR TRACES OF DNA AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE..........

NEW YORK, NY.

Gloves found in penthouse elevator.
A small pair of mens gloves were found in what is normally a secure area in Trump Tower, the penthouse elevator. When the gloves were first spotted, the area was quickly sealed off to allow bomb sniffing dogs a chance to check for finger bombs.
As a precautionary measure the gloves were tested for traces of DNA and the findings, sealed. The elevator was re-opened an hour later and the gloves were sent to the building's lost and found department.  As of this writing, they still have not been claimed.
Anyone with any information about the gloves is asked to call the Trump Tower security station.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

TRUMP BECAME UNHINGED WHEN JOHN GLENN DID NOT RESPOND TO CABINET APPOINTMENT

IN A 3 A.M. TWEET, BEFORE HE COULD BE STOPPED, TRUMP DUMPED ON JOHN GLENN FOR NOT ACKNOWLEDGING HIS APPOINTMENT OF SECRETARY OF SPACE IN TRUMP'S NEW PRESIDENTIAL CABINET......

NEW YORK, NY.

Trump giving Glenn "one finger salute.
The tweets were quickly removed from Trump's Twitter feed by Trump staffers.  Before staffers   reacted however, Off the Wall News was on hand to capture the tweets;  "Hey fly boy, U too good to respond? Not sure you even went 2 space".  It was followed up by, "You R A loser and will never be a hero.."
Trump staffers quickly informed him that Glenn had died last week and could not respond.

Sources in the room with Trump said his mouth dropped open at the news of Glenn's death and shouted, "Get that other guy on the phone, Armstrong! Norm Armstrong! Call him now!"
Trumps former campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway heard the ruckus and came running. "Mr. Trump, you're thinking of Neil Armstrong and he died in 2012.  Why not just get some sleep and we can discuss this in the morning."
Trump's face became all orange before he could speak again. "Tomorrow we'll call Vladimir and use one of his space heros." He then clenched his fist and stomped off to bed, much to the relief of Conway and the other staffers. The cabinet post of Secretary of Space was deemed unnecessary the following morning and dropped from the official announcement calendar.
Off the Wall News's sources in the room can not be identified at this time due to obvious reasons, but want their families to know they are thinking of them.

Friday, December 9, 2016

TRUMP APPOINTS JOHN GLENN SECRETARY OF SPACE

IN AN ACT THAT AWED SOME IN HIS TRANSITION TEAM, OTHERS WERE CONFUSED BY HIS CHOICE OF A DEAD MAN...

WASHINGTON D.C.

John Glenn, a true national hero.
In his ongoing quest to stay one step ahead of the media, President Elect Trump tapped retired Marine Corps pilot and former NASA astronaut, John Glenn as his Secretary of Space.  Immediately after the announcement was made, everyone in the press room waited for a punch line and when none came, the room irrupted into uncontrolled pandemonium.  Former campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, finally grabbed the microphone and brought order to chaos.
"I think what Mr. Trump is doing, is thinking outside the box," she said with a measured smile. " You might say, thinking outside the world!  Mr. Trump knows that Mr. Glenn is dead and just wants to help people remember him by giving him a place on the Trump team."
Glenn, who died yesterday at the age of 95, was declared a true national hero for the commitment and service he gave to the country.  Trump, not wanting to be up staged quickly called a news conference behind closed doors at Trump Tower.
Since there is currently not a Secretary of Space position in the President's Cabinet, Trump will be directing his lawyers to draw up a job description to submit to congress.
Off the Wall News may or may not follow this story further.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

CANNIBALISTIC MENU CLOSES LOCAL RESTAURANT, OWNER ARRESTED

AUTHORITIES WERE CALLED TO JEFFREY DILMER'S FINE DINING GRILLE THIS MORNING AFTER REPORTS OF CANNIBALISM SURFACED...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

The Bridgeport Health Department raided Jeffrey Dilmer's Fine Dining Grille this morning during the breakfast rush and closed down the establishment much to the ire of the clientele present.  A search warrant was served and officials began searching the walk-in coolers and refrigerators for suspect meat products.
Jeffrey Dilmer
Off the Wall News, learned the action against the diner was initiated after a disgruntled former employee, who told police, Dilmer was always on his back, called the Bridgeport Gazette and told them someone should check out the menu at Jeffrey Dilmer's.  A quick check of the menu revealed some of the entries in question:

"Sloppy Joe","Beans and Frank", and "Mack's Rib", were all served to order.  Other items were, "Chet Nuts, roasted",  "Eggs & Benedict", both served with  a "Salad of Caesar".  Beverages on the menu include, "Bloody Mary" and "Arnold Palmer".  Desserts listed are "Bananas Foster" and "Graham's Cracker"

Owner, Jeffrey Dilmer., was taken out in handcuffs as patrons began throwing what looked like bacon at the officials.  The meat confiscated will be taken to a lab and analyzed by government meat inspectors.  If found to be something other than beef, pork, or chicken, Dilmer, will be charged and most likely lose his restaurant license. Any further charges will be made at that time. Off the Wall News, will be in the court room until this meat case is wrapped up.


 

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

LEAKED PHOTO REVEALS TRUMP AND PENCE HAD A SECRET CAMPAIGN FOR THE STONER VOTE

"MOVE OVER CHEECH AND CHONG, THERE'S NEW TOKERS IN TOWN", WAS THE   SLOGAN USED BY TRUMP IN HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, WOOING THE YUGE STONER POPULATION ON THE WEST COAST......

Dash Cam video picture of Pence, Conway, and Trump
WASHINGTON,  D.C.

There had been whispers behind closed doors in Trump Tower, about a secret campaign for getting the stoner vote, but until yesterday it couldn't be verified. 
The photo that surfaced last evening, was a still taken from a dash cam camera showing an obviously loaded Pence, a stoned Kellyanne Conway in the back seat, and Trump enjoying what he called a yuge fat boy. No one in the Trump transition team would comment on the photo other than say, Pence had to take a few days off after this campaign swing through California.  There is no record of how much good this campaign did, but Trump was seen grinning from ear to ear as he deplaned from his 757 after arriving back in Yew York .
Off the Wall News will be digging deeper to get the whole story.

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

DEPARTMENT STORE REPLACING ESCALATORS WITH LADDERS

GOING FOR THE FITNESS CONSCIOUS CROWD, DELBERT'S DEPARTMENT STORE IS REMOVING ITS ESCALATORS AND HAVING LADDERS INSTALLED IN THERE PLACE...

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Delbert Bragert, CEO and founder of Delbert's Department Store in downtown Bridgeport, has always been a trend setter in the retail business.  While on a recent cruise he watched fellow sailors climb up and down the ladders to get to different levels of the ship. He became fascinated with ladders and decided then and there to replace the two escalators in his department store with ladders.
One of Delbert's ladders.
In a press release Bragert explained how he planned to have all sale items on the top two floors. "The higher they climb, the lower the prices,  people can actually shop 'til they drop," he joked.
County safety inspector, Burl Tripps couldn't believe Bragert was going to go through with his plan.  "Is he nuts?" he asked. "People will shop til they fall and then what?!"
Bragert is counting on the fitness crowd to keep him going until the obese and aged start climbing around.  He plans to put up a set of monkey bars in the food court this Spring.  Off the Wall News will be on hand and report the developments as they occur.    


Monday, December 5, 2016

CONJOINED BROTHERS ATTACHED AT THE BACK SEEK TO WED FORMER NURSE

THE PAIR WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN APART OR BEEN FACE TO FACE, FELL IN LOVE WITH THEIR NURSE AND ARE HOPING TO MARRY HER......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.
In what wedding planners are calling the perfect threesome, brothers Earl and Ernie Huckleberry, 24, hope to obtain a license to marry their former childhood wet nurse, Jusletta Flow, 49. The brothers agree, it will not be easy cuddling up with her at night, but told Off the Wall News "We have always had to take turns and this will be no different."
Earl and Ernie
Flow has known the brothers since she was hired to help nurse them as babies.  "They were easy to take care of." she said in an interview. "The hard part was weaning them as they got older." 

She left the Huckleberry family when the boys were ten, but kept in contact with them via Skype.  Last month the relationship turned from being one of just friends, to members of  "Skype's Hottest Daters".

Jusletta Flow, nurse photo I.D.
"I know this is going to be awkward at first, but I'll have these two cooing like babies again in no time."  Flow said in a story in Relationship With Twins magazine. 
As for the brothers, they're busy looking for a double breasted tuxedo to wear. "I'm not scared," Earl winked. "I know my brother has my back."

The wedding is scheduled for Christmas Eve and Off the Wall News will be on hand to throw the rice.




 

Sunday, December 4, 2016

WASTING TIME IS NOT ALWAYS WASTED TIME

"NO MATTER HOW YOU DO IT, THE TIME WASTED WASTING TIME IS NOT REALLY WASTED IF YOU ARE HAVING FUN WASTING THE TIME...."   DYM WHITT

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dym Whitt, Time wasting expert, laughs a lot.
"I know, it's confusing," time wasting specialist Dym Whitt,  Bridgeport native, explained to a group of students registered for this weekend's crash course in wasting time.  "You  have all taken the first step in wasting time, by enrolling in this course." 

The weekend course is one of many being offered this year by the Bridgeport Community College.  Whitt, 57, noted time wasted specialist, signed on with the staff to teach three weekend classes this winter.  Enrollment has been heavy and the demand may lead to additional classes in the Spring.
This weekend's course began Friday evening with registration and a social hour at Star Gazer's, a bar Whitt frequents when looking for things to do.

Class began Saturday morning sometime between 7:30 and 9:45, with a meet and greet hand shake from Whitt.  With over 50 students in attendance, Whitt extended the first period until 10:30 and then let students have a break.
Promptly at 11:05, it was think tank time and a large glass fish tank was wheeled into the   room and each member of the class was instructed to peer into the tank, choose a fish, and follow it as it swam around.  At noon, Whitt asked each student what they thought their fish had been thinking as it swam around.
Lunch hour came next, followed by a free time period to let students ponder what they had learned thus far.  The last class of the day Saturday, had students watching Whitt's home movies and guessing where the movies were taken and what was going on.  All agreed it had been a fun day and looked forward to Sunday's class.  Whitt with a laugh, mentioned to OFF THE WALL NEWS, that anyone reading this story would be welcome to join his next class...

Friday, December 2, 2016

TRUMP CONTINUES FILLING CABINET POSITIONS WITH HELP FROM HIS TOP HAT

TRUMP FINDS CHOOSING MEMBERS OF HIS CABINET IS NOT AS HARD AS HE THOUGHT....

TRUMP TOWER, NEW YORK

 Kellyanne holds the hat for Trump as supporters look on.
OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a secret picture Friday of Trump choosing members of his cabinet the old fashioned way, pulling names out of a hat. Former campaign manager Kellyanne Conway came up with the idea to help make the transition period less stressful for the president elect.
Kellyanne had Trump give her a list of fellow billionaires that at one time or another had patted him on the back. Then with the help of Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and Trump's secretary, Gladys Gulp, Kellyanne put the names in Trump's top hat. As his daughter Ivanka posed for the camera, Trump began pulling names out of the hat and made quick work out of filling his cabinet positions. "This is big!" he smirked. "This is how you get things done and I'm not even in the oval office yet!"
Trump, feeling mischievous, then went and relieved himself out of one of the windows on the fifty-eighth floor. "It's raining!" he shouted out the window before being pulled back by secret service.
OFF THE WALL NEWS has a reporter embedded in Trump Tower and will continue getting these stories out until caught.