Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THREE ARMED MAN IN SHOCK AFTER UNDERGOING PROCEDURE TO REMOVE AN ARM

A LOCAL MAN BORN WITH TWO LEFT AND ONE RIGHT ARM, ENTERED THE HOSPITAL TUESDAY TO  REMOVE THE LOWER LEFT ARM, BUT DUE TO A COMPUTER GLITCH, HIS RIGHT ARM WAS REMOVED BY ACCIDENT...HOSPITAL BLAMES ROBOT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A local man received good news and bad news Tuesday evening after having one of his three arms removed by robotic surgery at Bridgeport General.  The good news was that the operation had been a success followed by the bad news that the wrong arm had been removed.
Kenny Duet, signing papers for his procedure.

Kenny Duet, 35 entered B.G. Tuesday morning for what was to be an out patient procedure.  He was born with two left arms and always had hoped to get one of them removed when the technology advanced enough to allow  it.  Last month Bridgeport General notified Duet of their new robot surgeon,  nicknamed Truman, who had been able to surgically remove the stomach out of a gnat.

Duet came in to meet the robot on Fathers Day and sign the paperwork for the robotic surgery to take place.  The robot has been programmed not only to perform surgical procedures, but to also entertain children in the children's wing of the hospital.  Duet quickly bonded with Truman after witnessing the robot juggle scalpels in front of the children.
"Truman"

No one knows for sure how or why Duet's right arm was mistakenly removed and until a diagnostic procedure can be completed, Truman has been banned from the surgical floor and delegated to the kitchen to slice onions.
Duet's attorney told OFF THE WALL news his client would probably sue once he found out if they could sue a robot. 


Sunday, June 11, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REVERTS TO BUSINESSMAN TRUMP TO MARKET TRUMP MOUTHWASH

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS ARE SAYING TRUMP KNOWS THE END IS NEAR FOR HIS PRESIDENCY AND DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE A BAD TASTE IN ANYONE'S MOUTH SO HE IS MARKETING AN ADVANCED FORMULA MOUTHWASH......

WASHINGTON D.C.

Never one to miss an opportunity to make a dollar, President Trump is rolling out a new mouthwash, sons Donald Jr. and Eric introduced to rave reviews in Moscow six months ago. Trump Mouthwash should be hitting the shelves across America in the next few months. 
"It works, just ask Ivanka!"
1st daughter Ivanka gave a sly smile, when asked about the new product. "It was a whole new sensation for my mouth!" she told reporters. "It has a unique taste and leaves you breathless."
As Trump's popularity numbers continued to fall due to his manner of directing the government to be self-serving and with Russiagate hanging over him like a cloud, he directed his sons to do something.  With the help of big sister Ivanka as a silent partner, they developed a mouthwash that would get the so called bad taste of their father out of the public's mouth. The Trump brothers traveled to Russia in January of this year and began giving out free samples of "Trump Mouthwash."  It caught on and soon they couldn't keep up with demand.
Promises to relieve the sting of Trump.
OFF THE WALL news has learned there are also plans for an ointment  for those who feel like Trump has been a pain in the "ass".  Preparation T is in a test market somewhere in North Korea.
"It's all about the dollar!" Trump exclaimed. "I also hope to negotiate a deal with Vaseline in the coming weeks. It will be a slick deal, I can tell you that.  What a great country this is and I'm making it greater yet!"





Monday, June 5, 2017

TRUMP SHAVES HIS HEAD TO PROVE HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT WEANING HIMSELF FROM TWITTER

THE PRESIDENT SHOCKED HIS STAFF THIS MORNING WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND PROMISED TO WEAN HIMSELF FROM HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"I'm going to wean myself, I'll be the biggest weaner of all times."
After sending tweets boasting of his wavy hair to fifteen world leaders late Saturday night, Trump came to the realization that he was out of control and vowed to wean himself from tweeting.
"It takes a real man to wean himself," he told OFF THE WALL news, "and I'll show the world what a great big weaner I am!"
To show he meant business, he shaved his head and had his hair sent to a pet mortuary.

"Everyone knows how much I like my hair, I mean who wouldn't like it, but it had to be done.  Now little dead critters will have it."
Trump stood up and went to one of the large windows behind his desk before continuing. ."I've known many people who try to wean themselves from their bad habits and fail. But I am the chief weaner and when it's all over I'll be known as a Presidential weanee!"
Kellyanne praised him and rubbed his bald head before ushering the news media out of the oval office.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the President's hair grows back.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

BRIDGEPORT HEAT WAVE CAUSES RUSH TO CITY BEACH

CITY'S TWO FULL TIME LIFEGUARDS ARE BEING FORCED TO WORK OVERTIME, STRAINING THE CITY BUDGET AND CAUSING CITY GOVERNMENTAL LEADERS TO HAVE THEIR OWN HEAT WAVE OVER LIFEGUARD BODY MEASUREMENTS.............

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

No one expected 90 degree weather to hit Bridgeport on June 3rd, causing hundreds of swimmers looking to cool off.  The problem according to Mayor Ben Dover is the lifeguard shortage, now in its third year.  Swimmers still hit the beach this morning after being warned there would be only one lifeguard on duty.
Swimmers arrived in swarms as the temps rose in Bridgeport
Dover told his constituents, it would be cheaper to print up signs saying "Swim at your own risk, no lifeguard on duty", than hire lifeguards, but promised to begin interviewing lifeguard applicants as soon as Monday.
Dover's critics are saying he is dragging his feet, in part because of the type of lifeguards he is looking for.  Accusing the Mayor of being sexist for insisting the applications ask for bust size of all female applicants, city counsel members want to bring in an outside hiring specialist.
Meanwhile, the beach area is packed with swimmers.  Normally the beach has 50 to 70 swimmers at any given time.  Since early Saturday that number has swelled to between five hundred and a thousand.  To make room for everyone, swimmers are prohibited from sitting or lying on the beach and must stand when not in the water.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story throughout the Summer.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

TRUMP RE-CREATES HIS HISTORIC RISE IN WASHINGTON IN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

IN HIS ONGOING PURSUIT TO BE IN THE NEWS 24/7, TRUMP FULFILLS A CHILDHOOD DREAM  OF BEING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IN A MOVIE.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Ryan as Moe, Trump as Curly, and McConnell as Larry
Calling on son in law Jared Kushner to direct, Trump and company began shooting his adaption of "The Three Stooges in Washington", a comedic short film based on Trump's rise in Washington. In order to make the short film more memorable, he cast Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and himself as his favorite childhood heroes, the Three Stooges.
Ryan was viewed as relishing his part playing Moe, because he was able to continuously slap, poke, and jab Curly (Trump) and Larry (McConnell).  Trump, as Curly took the slaps and eye gouges in stride, slapping his own face over and over while shouting, "Woob, woob, woob, woob!"
Trump got the idea of making a film while late night movie binging Stooge movies with Kellyanne Conway.  As  The Three Stooges were new to Conway, Trump filled her in on his childhood heroes and how they had helped shape his life.
The next day Trump signed an order to have a Three Stooges movie script written about his rise in Washington D.C. and tapped Ryan and McConnell to co-star with him. Sources who have seen the complete film (22 minutes run time) say it is a gripping portrayal of Trump's rise.
Trump wanted it known that no animals were hurt or abused in the film, even though he portrays a horse's ass in one of the scenes.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will review the movie in a future news story.

Friday, June 2, 2017

AS FBI CLOSES IN ON RUSSIAN INTERFEARENCE IN U.S.,PUTIN INTRODUCES NEW MENS COLOGNE TO RUSSIA

IT NOW APPEARS THAT WITH THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE THE RUSSIAN CONNECTION TO TRUMP AND HIS SURROGATES, TRUMP INADVERTENTLY TWEETED ABOUT THE COLOGNE, CAUSING  PUTIN TO ACT..... 

 MOSCOW, RUSSIA

"Covfefe, so manly, it reeks of bromance!"

In a shocking follow-up to President Trump's late night tweet earlier in the week where Trump first used the word, Covfete, Putin today  released a new cologne in Russia called Covfete, featuring he and Trump on the label, shirtless, and riding horseback.

What many scholars thought was a type-o, turns out to be the name of Putin's new mens colonge, Covfefe, which in Russian folklore loosely means, back channel. 
There is much speculation to the context of "back channel" whereas the tag line on the label reads, "Covfefe, So Manly, It reeks of Bromance!" 
Foreign sources tell OFF THE WALL NEWS the new cologne was not to be released until September, but with a sleep deprived Trump at the tweet keyboard, the announcement came earlier than planned. As Trump usually does, to divert attention away from his faux pas, quickly announced to the world, he was taking the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.
"You have to be able to think on your feet." he boasted.  As for his relationship with Putin, he said, "We're still tight and the cologne is magnificent. I wear it all the time.  Even Ivanka likes the way I smell!"






Thursday, June 1, 2017

TRUMP SAYS ANSWER TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IN HIS HANDS

TRUMP BOWS OUT OF WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE ACCORD, SAYING ALL YOU NEED IS AN UMBRELLA TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL CLIMATE......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump introduces his Climate Change device.
Two hours after telling the world he is pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change, he introduced his answer to climate change.
"I am one of the smartest people on Earth and I will be saving the people in the United States more money than they thought possible." Trump told a small group of climate change deniers in the Rose Garden. "I will see that everyone that wants one, will get a personal climate change device.  It looks like an umbrella, but it's not."
White House sources told OFF THE WALL NEWS, Trump made a secret deal with the Chinese and bought a billion umbrellas at $3 a piece.  They are to keep the holder cool and dry.
This shocking news has both houses of congress up in arms with many, on both sides of the isle thinking Trump has gone over the edge this time. Who knows what will happen next.....

Monday, May 29, 2017

TRUMP NOT HAPPY WITH POPE, SAYS POPE WAS VERY UNFAIR TO HIM

TRUMP RETURNED HOME FROM HIS FIRST VISIT ABROAD A VERY UNHAPPY MAN, SAYING POPE FRANCES HAD DENIED HIM HIS REQUEST TO MAKE HIM A SAINT.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Pope explaining to Trump why he can't be a saint.
Sources on the plane home said Trump pouted and whined about his time at the Vatican and how the Pope had affected his mood at the G7 conference.
The source, who is close to the President told OFF THE WALL NEWS, the President had been looking forward to his meeting with Pope Frances because he wanted to ask for forgiveness for his grabbing women's private parts and bragging about it.  The source said after the two were introduced, Trump asked for forgiveness and promised the Pope he would never brag again.  At first the Pope's eyes fluttered and then when Trump asked to be made a Saint, his mouth dropped open.
Pope Frances took Trump aside and quietly told him the Heavenly Father  had other plans for him.  Trump's expression became very somber as he listened.  Trying to make Trump feel better Pope Frances gave the President a book he had written about climate change.  Trump feigned a smile and left the room clutching the Pope's book.
After leaving the Vatican on his way to the G7 summit, Trump vowed to drop out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.  "Frances knows what he can do with his book!" he could be heard shouting on Air Force One. "He is the most unfair Pope of all time!  He was so unfair to me!  I'd make the best Saint ever and everybody knows that! I don't even think he's really a Pope, he's fake!"
His anger and mood came through at the G7 summit, scolding the leaders of our allied countries about NATO payments and showing others who stands where when taking pictures.
The President planned to take Memorial Day off and locked himself in his room.
Who knows what this week will bring.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there digging for the truth.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

TRUMP SAYS IT NEVER HAPPENED AFTER BONG PHOTO IS LEAKED

WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS ARE ON SCRAMBLE ONCE AGAIN TO COVER UP POT SMOKING ALLEGATIONS IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AFTER PHOTO OF A GLASSY EYED PRESIDENT EXHALING SMOKE FROM A BONG WAS POSTED ON THE STONER SITE, "FRIED"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Reports say he wanted to hear some Black Sabbath

Things are heating up again even while the President is overseas.  On Monday a photo was leaked depicting President Trump exhaling a cloud of deep purple smoke from a glass bong.  The bong was said to have been a gift from Attorney General Jeff Sessions, even though the source close to this story, reported Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was the one that gave it to him.  The story as reported by our embedded reporter, developed as follows.
In what was to be a top secret meeting last week, Trump called  Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, and Paul Ryan into the oval office to discuss new anti-drug laws written by Attorney General Sessions. Sessions brought with him various pictures of drug paraphernalia to show the evilness available on the streets. As Trump studied the pictures in awe, Ryan winked at Kellyanne and opened a small box and presented it to Trump. Inside the box was a real bong, made of glass and fully loaded.  Kellyanne and Steve Bannon couldn't hold back huge smiles, while Jeff Sessions sat dumbfounded with his hands over his eyes. Trump asked how it worked and gave Sean Spicer a directive to show him how.  Spicer fumbled with a cigar lighter and with his second try, got the bong to fill with smoke before allowing it to disappear into his mouth.  Trump asked him what it was like, but Spicer could only sit and smile.  Before anyone could stop him, Trump took the bong and he himself fired it up.  The secret meeting was adjourned just after midnight when Vice President Pence was called to order some pizza.  Pence arrived a little later with the pizzas and began the cover up. 
When Trump was asked about the secret meeting in the morning, he denied one ever took place.

Monday, May 22, 2017

MAN EXPERIMENTING WITH FLAVORS TAPS INTO FOOD MARKETING BANANZA

GET READY FOR WHISKEY FLAVORED KETCHUP, JALAPENO CREAM PIE, AND MAPLE NUT MUSTARD JUST TO NAME OF FEW OF THE NEW ITEMS COMING SOON TO YOUR TASTE BUDS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Nuthatch meditates for flavors
According to Melvin Nuthatch of Bridgeport, you can say goodbye to boring foods. Nuthatch, 50, plans to open Food Moods, an online grocery emporium full of old foods with new tastes.  "The mood of food is about to change!" he told OFF THE WALL NEWS as he chomped on a huge dill pickle coated with cinnamon paste.  "What the Beatles did for music, I'm doing for food!"
Nuthatch has been experimenting with new flavors ever since falling out of a tree at the age of 45  and losing his sense of taste. An avid  food eater before his fall, he says he woke up craving an ice cream sundae covered with chopped onions, pickle relish, and chocolate syrup. Unable to order such a sundae at his local dairy quick, he purchased the ingredients at the grocery store and has not looked back.
What's in store for those willing to assault their sense of taste?  Nuthatch wouldn't divulge too much, but did have a few samples ready for this reporter.  I was blindfolded and taken to Nuthatch's test kitchen where I was introduced to the following:  Burnt toast flavored pudding,  pickled asparagus in strawberry maple syrup,  pancakes smothered with ketchup, and long johns infused with jalapeno mustard. Each item was accompanied with hot thistle tea.  As I  am dieting, I was unable to try any of the tempting new flavors, but plan to at a future date.
Nuthatch hopes to have his web site Food Moods up and running by this time next week.  Until then he says, "We will have to remain bored with our food."



Sunday, May 21, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO MOVE WHITE HOUSE TO SAUDI ARABIA

NOT BEING TREATED LIKE ROYALTY IS WHAT IS MISSING IN AMERICAN POLITICS TRUMP TOLD VP PENCE, AS THEY TOURED ONE OF TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES IN SAUDI ARABIA......

SAUDI ARABIA

Trump was feeling royal showing Pence around the golf course
A day after President Trump's royal welcome to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, Trump sent Melania home and had Mike Pence flown in to get a feel for what it's like to be totally respected by the "common folks."  Trump had Pence fly in on a commercial liner to, "save the taxpayer's money".  Pence arrived looking exhausted, but after a quick shower at the airport was gun ho to meet with his boss.

Pence, dressed smartly in a business suit, looked somewhat out of place next to Trump, who came driving up on a gold plated golf cart dressed in the Arabian traditional dress called a thawb.  Trump told Pence it was OK to loosen his tie, but he was unable to, explaining that the tie was a clip-on.  The two men rode off, with the secret service in tow.
After touring the golf course, Trump held an impromptu press conference, Arabian style.  All questions were questions of his own choosing.  The first question was how he liked Saudi Arabia?
"I couldn't like it more and I think my vice president will agree, by the way, did you know Vice President Pence was here?  Take a bow Mike."
Pence stood up blushing and gave a quick nod.  Trump continued, "As I was saying, I like it here, we both like it here and I want to thank King Salman for the warm welcome!  Mike and I were just discussing moving the White House over here.  A lot of people have told me, they like my ideas, so this is a good one."  A reporter shouted out and asked how he liked wearing a thawb, to which he smiled and replied, "Good guys wear white, right?  I mean, who couldn't score with the ladies wearing these kimonos , right Mike?"  Pence appeared to melt as his face turned bright red.  Trump laughed, "I'm just joking.  I am a pretty good joker you know.  Mike's wife is very fussy about who Mike eats with, no women allowed!  If you're listening Karen, I'm just joking.  I'm a joker.  I'll see that Mike eats alone, in fact we're headed for Israel next and he's entered in a baby back ribs eating contest!  Should be fun."   OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be along for the ride.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

TRUMP THOUGHT WATERGATE WAS A GATE THAT HELD BACK WATER

AFTER THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE HIS COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA, TRUMP ASKED TO BE BRIEFED ON WATERGATE AND WHAT IT HAD TO DO WITH RUSSIA....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"Why are they doing this to me?"
With all the breaking news today, Trump's aides at the White House spent most of the day on Google, gathering information on the Watergate scandal.  Trump was busy trying on hairpieces for his up coming official trip at the end of this week, when he was told that a special prosecutor  had been appointed to investigate him.  According to a source embedded in the White House, Trump's first question was, "How do I look in flaming red curls?"  He then frowned and stuck his bottom lip out as if pouting. "Why are they doing this to me?  It's just not fair!"
Kellyanne Conway was the first aide to comfort him.  "It's alright, Mr. President.  They can't compare this to Watergate, Nixon is dead and besides you look great in curls."
Trump admitted he didn't know too much about Nixon or the Watergate scandal that brought him down.  "I was told by some very intelligent people that Watergate was a huge gate that held water back and now I'm learning it was really about a cover up.  I wish they would get their story straight."
Trump was ushered out of the oval office, in case there were still tape machines left over from Nixon's day.  In the hallway he asked an OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter what Watergate had to do with Russia.  "I think they are all confused! Watergate was made up news, I'll bet my presidency on it!"  With that he was whisked away to a safe room.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.....



Monday, May 15, 2017

TRUMP'S SECOND TV PILOT HAS BEEN LEAKED TO THE PUBLIC

MEANT TO BE A SURPRISE, TRUMP'S REMAKING OF LOST IN SPACE HAS BEEN OUTED BY THE  RUSSIAN MAFIA........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The cast of Trump's latest TV sitcom.
The President went into a fit of rage this morning when he learned his latest new TV sitcom project had been leaked by the Russian Mafia.  His co-star and co-producer, Vladimir Putin denied any blame of the leak and said he would have the guilty party thrown from a window.
The TV pilot, loosely based on the 1965 hit television show Lost in Space, has just finished shooting the first episode and brings together some of Trump's friends as well as his daughter, recreating the rolls made great by now retired or already deceased stars.
Trump, saying he looked too old to play Professor Robinson, is playing the roll of young Will Robinson. ("He was such a smart kid")  He offered the lead roll of Professor Robinson to his Russian counterpart, Vladimire Putin, who accepted wholeheartedly. Playing Dr. Maureen Robinson is Trump groupie Kellyanne Conway, who said she loved being young Will's mother. (Critics are saying she is almost sleazy) The prized part of Dr. Zachary Smith is being played by Mitch McConnell, who said the roll was a "hoot" because "I didn't have to act any different than I am". Rounding out the cast of lost space travelers is Ivanka Trump, Paul Ryan, and playing a strong female to show his strengths is Steve Bannon.  The voice of the robot is that of Mike Pence. (He said he loved being robotic.)
Trump told OFF THE WALL NEWS he had hoped to premier this show in the Fall, but now that it has been outed, he may move that date to late Spring.  Be sure to check your TV listings.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

TRUMP RETURNS TO TELEVISION IN NEW SERIES

LONGING FOR THE DAYS WHEN HE RECEIVED HIGHER RATINGS ON T.V., TRUMP ROLLS OUT NEW SITCOM BASED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessons, Ivanka, Kellyanne, Rosie, Pence, and Spicer join Trump
In the end Donald Trump missed being on television in a weekly series so much, he signed a presidential decree that put into a motion a new sitcom, making him the star.  Based loosely on the old Gilligan's Island sitcom, Trump and his "crew mates" are stranded at Mara Lago and follow Trump in his roll as Skipper, as he creates at least one new "ship wreck" each episode.

OFF THE WALL NEWS  was at the first shooting of the first episode where Trump rescues Mike Pence from being slapped by Rosie O'Donnell.  Trump as the deal maker, gets them to kiss and make up.  "This is good television, really good, lots of people are telling me this is Emmy type stuff." Trump told a group of Chinese tourists who were lost.
Trump wanted to produce a good drama show, but it has turned into a comedy and will most likely be dropped before the season is over. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

BONELESS CHICKEN CONTROVERSY LANDS IN COURT

LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER WANTING TO CASH IN ON THE BONELESS CHICKEN CRAZE OPENED TWO ROADSIDE STANDS ADVERTISING "NATURAL" BONELESS CHICKEN BEFORE BEING CLOSED FOR FALSE ADVERTISING .........

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


According to Y.R. Coop, 56, of rural Bridgeport, business was boiling hot before Sheriff Rol Ova drove on to Coop's farmstead Friday with a stop and desist order.  Sheriff Ova told reporters he was only doing his job making Coop stop selling his "boneless" chicken after a local court ordered him to do so.
"Humpty Plump", Minnesota's largest chicken breeder and producer of Humpty Plump Boneless Chicken (like) Pieces, cried "foul" when they learned of Coop's enterprise and filed a decree in court, saying Coop was confusing it's customers.  Plump's attorney, Chris P. Bacon told the court, the Coop claim that he was selling boneless chicken was a ploy to sell eggs.  Coop, who defended himself, told the court, Humpty Plump could not prove there was not a boneless chicken in each "natural" container.
"This is a shell game!" protested Bacon, "And Plump plans to crack this game wide open." To which Coop loudly replied, "Your Honor, Mr. Bacon is proving himself a basket case!"
Judge Sol T. Hamm ordered a recess to allow the court participants to cool off and so he could study the definition of boneless chicken.  Judge Hamm if you recall, was also the active judge on the buffalo wings ruling last year, where it was proved without doubt, buffalo did not have wings.
In the current case, Judge Hamm promised to have a ruling in a dozen days.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

BILL O'REILLY'S FIRING COINCIDES WITH HIS NEW BOOK RELEASE

BILL O'REILLY'S  NEW BOOK, PHONE FUN, (THINGS TO DO WHILE TALKING TO THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS)  WAS RELEASED ONE DAY AFTER HIS FIRING FROM FOX NEWS FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.....

NEW YORK, N.Y.


It has been said, when it rains it pours and such was the case this week for Fox New's  Bill O'Reilly.  He was fired on Wednesday for what is being called sexual harassment in the work place. O'Reilly dismissed it by making a statement to OFF THE WALL NEWS that said, "Can't a guy have fun anymore? I just wanted to make some of those fat and ugly things in the office, feel good. I'm sure not one of them had ever been out on a date before."
Ironically, the day after his departure from Fox, his latest book, PHONE FUN, (Things to do while talking to the woman of your dreams), was released.  The original title was KILLING TIME ON THE PHONE, but was shortened so O'Reilly's face wouldn't be covered  up with print.
The book is full of drawings and doodles of nude women, drawn by O'Reilly when he was in high school and is a tell-all about masturbating while talking with nun on the phone.

Some are saying the firing may all be a hoax to promote the book. Fox representatives denied that saying they had paid out millions in hush money and were losing even more in ad revenue.
O'Reilly's close friend and confidant, Donald Trump was appalled that O'Reilly was fired.  "This is an outrage! He should have never been fired for complementing women like that. Sad, very sad.  I do look forward to his book though, I hear it's a page turner."  Trump then had a personal message for O'Reilly,  "Good luck Bill, keep your chin up, I may have a job for you running the phones at the White House."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will keep close tabs on these developments.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

TRUMP UNLEASHES SECOND M.O.A.B. AS SHOW OF FORCE FOR KIM JUNG UN

HOPING TO STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEART OF KIM JUNG UN, TRUMP SENT PENCE TO SOUTH KOREA DRESSED AS A  M.O.A.B. (MOTHER OF ALL BEASTS).....

WASHINGTON D.C.

Mrs. Pence gave permission for Pence to travel alone as long as he dined alone.
The accompanying picture of Vice President Mike Pence arrived in South Korea one day before he did, creating an atmosphere of confusion and giddiness among Taekwondo fans in Seoul.   The picture, nicknamed "The Force" was intended to appease the South Koreans while striking fear into the ruling dynasty of Kim Jung Un in the North. 
Trump and  Pence spent last weekend at Mar-a-Lago where Trump had Pence fitted into a Martial Arts costume and had him pose in various stances that would promote fear in the North Koreans.
 In a private interview, as Trump watched female joggers in the park near the White House he said, "I'm sending in 'The Force',  Mike is going in as the Mother of all Beasts and will kick some serious ass!"  He then pointed out the window, "Speaking of serious ass, will you look at that!!"  He quickly signaled for an aid to get him his binoculars and we were ushered out of the room.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany Pence to South Korea and report any results he may achieve as the M.O.A.B.  As a footnote, it was also leaked that he will be taking along copies of his wedding pictures to show to any women that may approach him.

Friday, April 7, 2017

TRUMP DIVINITY CLAIMS CAUSING ALARM IN VATICAN CITY

TRUMP CLAIMS THAT EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME HE WAKES UP WITH ACHING HANDS AND FOR A BRIEF TIME OLD STITCHES ARE VISIBLE, MAKING HIM BELIEVE HE IS THE DIVINE ONE.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fake or not?
Pope Francis received a tweet late Saturday night from President Trump at his Mar Largo retreat, with an attachment of a picture, Trump claimed to be his hands.
The Pontiff was quick to put down the tweet as fake news.
"The hands in this picture are those of a young or a very small man.  Our Savor was neither." he told a roomful of faithful underlings.
He sent an envoy to New York to dispel Trump's claims.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany the envoy and report the findings.  Early suspicions are that the hands in the picture are really Kellyanne Conway's, holding tiny beads.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

TRUMP CREATING JOBS AS PROMISED

TO QUICKLY MOVE FORWARD AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE, TRUMP  HAS CREATED NEW JOBS IN THE WHITE HOUSE  FOR HIS SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER AND DAUGHTER IVANKA,  THERE ARE MORE JOBS TO COME.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Hoping to bounce back from defeat of his first major bill, the repeal and replacement of Obamacare, President Trump has moved to unveil his jobs creation bill. Son-in-law Jared was given the title of "Commandant" and will be overseeing everything in the White House, including the dinner menus.  His office will be in the West Wing and he will have a staff of "newbies" to run things when he and family are out of town on ski weekends.
Trump moves in front of Jared for photo
Ivanka, whom her brothers say knows Daddy best, was also given an office in the West Wing and   the unofficial title of "DG". (Daddy's Girl?) She will be Trump's eyes and ears in the White House to help keep tract of who says and does what. Both Jared and Ivanka will have Secret Clearances and their own Facebook accounts.
Trump is also creating a new position in the White House for son Baron. 
"I want to know what the nation's kids are thinking and who better than my son Baron can I trust to keep me abreast of what is going on?  He will have his own office and staff and I'm looking for very good things to come of it. I mean who knows kids better than kids, right?"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be following the workings of the inner circle at the White House closely and follow it until it all comes tumbling down.


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

TRUMP REVEALS NEW OVAL OFFICE PAINTING

HOPING TO APPEASE DEMOCRATS BEFORE THE UPCOMING SUPREME COURT GORSUCH VOTE, TRUMP HANGS PAINTING OF OBAMA ON OVAL OFFICE WALL AS VICE PRESIDENT PENCE NODS AND NODS HIS HEAD IN APPROVAL.......

WASHINGTON D.C.

The oval office took on a new look this morning as a huge painting of former President Barack Obama was placed on the wall, close to Trump's desk.  Vice President Pence was asked by Trump what he thought and Pence grinned while doing his best bobble head impression.
"I'm very bipartisan, believe me." Trump told the photographer "And so is Mike
The White House photographer was summoned to snap a picture for the archives and was asked by Trump, "Are you sure you have color film in that camera?"
Not sure if the President was serious or not, the photographer smiled and told the President it was a digital camera and there wasn't any film involved.  Trump suppressed a vague expression, before looking at Pence and then looking back to the photographer, "I knew that, I was just making a joke. I want people to know just how funny I am."
Mike Pence,  his head bobbing again and not knowing what to do with his hands,  stood  looking at the back of Trump's head and did his best to look official.  Once the photo shoot was finished and the photographer was gone, Trump had the painting removed and replaced it with one of  Ivanka wearing a bikini.
OFF THE WALL NEWS has a reporter embedded in the White House who works 24/7 to bring these reports.

Monday, March 27, 2017

TRUMP AND RYAN RECONCILE AFTER HEALTH CARE DEFEAT

LEAKED DASH CAM PICTURE OF TRUMP AND RYAN SHOWS THE TWO LETTING OFF STEAM AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE LAST FRIDAY.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Leaked dash cam photo shows Trump and Ryan are buds
Just hours after Ryan and Trump decided to skip the House vote on repealing Obamacare, many thought President Trump would blame Speaker Ryan for the failure.  As it turned out, it appeared the two men were having a bromance as they were secretly scurried out of Washington to an undisclosed location where Ryan had a vehicle stored.  The two spent the next few hours alone cruising the streets and experimenting with what looked like in a dash cam photo,  a recreational drug.
The White House told OFF THE WALL NEWS there was never any danger to anyone as the roads Ryan drove on were blocked to civilian traffic and the Secret Service followed close behind.



DEBT HELPERS OF AMERICA FILES FOR CHAPTER 11

THE LARGEST DEBT COMPANY IN AMERICA HAS FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY AFTER BEING SUED IN A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT,  CEO CLAIMS NOTHING IS WRONG.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Debt Helpers of America (DHOA), the company whose TV ads promised help in obtaining huge debt fast, is out of business as of 12:01 a.m. this morning.  DHOA CEO, Darrel Dicks has filed a counter suit and says his company is all above board.
Wanda Rount and some of the items that put her into debt
The plaintiff who started the class action lawsuit and whose name is on the lawsuit is Wanda Rount, 36, of Bridgeport. She claims DHOA helped her accumulate massive debt by selling her hundreds of items she didn't need.

DHOA, in a tweet to OFF THE WALL NEWS claims Ms. Rount signed an agreement to purchase literally hundreds of items from DHOA business clients. "We fulfilled our promise to help Ms. Rount accumulate debt."

OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a partial list of some of the items Ms. Rounts purchased.  On that list are items such as three 60" flat screen TVs, two bird baths, numerous garden tools, 57 lawn chairs, and 6 pair or roller skates. From Zip's Lawn Service, she purchased a garden tractor, a plow, and ten miles of fencing. The list goes on and on.  "I'll never get out of debt!" she cried to the judge, "Not unless I win this lawsuit."
As long as DHOA has Chapter 11 protection, people like Wanda Rount, will have to deal with their debt. Ms. Rount plans to have a yard sale next weekend and hopes to recoup some of her lost bank account.
If you too think you have been duped by DHOA call 1-800-DUM-BASS and leave your name and number.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

NEW LOOK FOR OFF THE WALL NEWS HAS READERS EXCITED

SAYING IT IS A BOLD LOOK FORWARD, MANAGING EDITOR AND LEAD REPORTER DAVE TAYLOR IS STAKING HIS DINNER THAT THE NEW LOOK OF OFF THE WALL NEWS, WILL BE A YUGE SUCCESS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

It is not often that a major news organization such as OFF THE WALL NEWS changes the look of its front page, but after much consideration and the help of recreational drugs, the decision was made. Managing Editor and Lead Reporter, Dave Taylor told stock holders he made the decision late last night after the ideas he was having turned into a blurred image.

Dave Taylor waited for a vision
Taylor said the idea to revamp the front page came about after reading  headlines about the Pope on news magazines in a grocery store check out line. "We can do better", he told a customer behind him, "I know the Pope personally." and he immediately began thinking about such a change.

He welcomes any comments and will respond to them time permitting.
As of this printing he and his crack team of reporters are scouring the news wires for the news that others look away from, the news that makes OFF THE WALL NEWS the news to live by, no matter how it is packaged.  Will the Pope marry his grade school sweetheart?  If it happens, you'll read the back story here first....and you can take that to the bank!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

BRIDGEPORT MEDICAL CLINIC TO TREAT WOMAN WITH WOOD ROT IN HER WOODEN LEGS

HER PHYSICIAN CLAIMED HIS PATIENT HAS BEEN COMPLAINING OF HAVING A HOLLOW FEELING IN HER LEGS AND A SIMPLE BORE UNCOVERED THE ROT....

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Doctors at the Bridgeport Medical Clinic (BMC) decided to admit the woman, whose name is being withheld because of  medical privacy laws, in hopes of chipping away at a cure for her condition.  To aid readers and avoid confusion in this story, she is being called Ms.Stump.

BMC lead physician, Dr. Forrest Fyre told OFF THE WALL NEWS Ms. Stump was resting comfortably after having over 15 ounces of rotted saw dust  material cleaned from wounds in both legs.
Ms. Stump  after being attacked by a Pileated Woodpecker.

Ms. Stump told doctors she first noticed the hollow feeling in her legs after walking in the woods and being attacked by a Pileated Woodpecker. "I tried to run", she said, "But I felt like I was rooted in one spot and the Woodpecker did his thing with me."  She failed to report the attack until she started losing strips of bark on both legs, leading to a hollow feeling as the rot set in.

Ms. Stump received her wooden legs as a child after misusing a chainsaw on her uncles Christmas tree farm. As no prosthetic legs were available at the time, a quick thinking Eagle Scout suggested using some young Birch limbs. The limbs were grafted onto her hips and  not rejected by her body, delighting her wood carver father.  The Eagle Scout received a merit badge in the process and now is a Forrest Ranger in the Red Wood Forest. 
Meanwhile doctors at BMC have been busy grafting new bark on her shins as well as removing beetle larva embedded in body cavities.  If she continues to improve, (knock on wood) Ms. Stump will be released and be able to return to work at her father's wood carving store, where she is a model.
"Life is good!" she cheerfully told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "Once I'm cured, I plan to float down the river and relax before returning to work." 


Sunday, March 12, 2017

TRUMP LEARNS OF HUGE METEOR ON COLLISION COURSE WITH EARTH, VOWS TO BUILD THE HIGHEST WALL EVER

HE SAYS THE SCIENTIST ARE KNOWN FOR CLIMATE CHANGE HOAXES, BUT TO BE SAFE  HE WILL BUILD A SUPER WALL TO PROTECT AMERICA AND THE WORLD FROM THE DEADLY METEOR....

WASHINGTON D.C.

We're gonna be safe, I can tell you that.
In a welcome diversion from his wild  tweets a week ago about Obama wire tapping his phones, Trump learned this morning of a giant meteor headed for Earth, slated for an August 4th impact. 
NASA scientists alerted the White House last night and told staffers of their discovery.  Staffers in turn contacted Trump via twitter at his Florida Mar-a-Lago estate.  
He asked about the size of the space rock and was told it is the size of New Zealand. He quickly had Sean Spicer, who is traveling with him this weekend as an apprentice, to google New Zealand and then tweeted, "That meteor is Yuge!"  before calling  Fox News.

Photo from space of impending doom
"This puts a lot of pressure on the President of the United States and it's a good thing I won in a landslide." he told Fox News anchor Martha MacCallum. "I don't think Hillary could  take the pressure I'm under all the time. By the way, did you see the ten million people at my inauguration? The pictures lied.  Let me tell you, this meteor thing might be a hoax but we don't have to worry about it because I'm going to build another wall and it's going to be like no other. It's gonna be a Super wall!  I'm instructing my builders to build this wall 1000 miles long and 300045 feet high!  It's gonna create thousands of jobs, did I tell you that, and we're gonna be safe."
He was asked about the cost and he quickly replied, "Paul Ryan has assured me he is adjusting Social Security and Medicare so we'll have plenty of money for projects like this wall. Paul Ryan is like a brother to me, him and Mitch both and because I'll be saving the world, I will charge all other countries  their fair share also, believe me. Tell China, tell Iran, tell them all."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will be monitoring this development until its completion.



Tuesday, February 28, 2017

TRUMP HAS MELANIA ROUNDED UP AND DEPORTED

IN A MIX UP MUCH LIKE THE ONE AT SUNDAY'S ACADEMY AWARDS, TRUMP SIGNING ORDERS TO ROUND UP IMMIGRANTS, MISTAKENLY SIGNS AN ORDER TO DEPORT HIS WIFE MELANIA......

NEW YORK, NY.

Melania Trump being escorted to the deportation field.
In a hastily planned meeting in the Oval Office an hour before Trump was escorted to tonight's Address to Congress, Trump was mistakenly handed a deportation notice with his wife Melania's name on it. Not known to read what he signs, he signed the decree and left for the event.
Melania was seen at the address, but mysteriously disappeared during a powder-room visit. Deportation officers were seen escorting her out to an armored Homeland Security vehicle. 
OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to learn she was flown back to the Trump's New York penthouse apartment, where she picked up a few articles of clothing, before being taken to the deportation center.
Trump was told of the mix up with the deportation decree after his speech and true to his nature, would not admit that he had made a mistake.  "This sounds like a dirty trick perpetrated by a left over Obama staffer," he told a group of Senators who were following him around taking selfies as they walked together. "It's a down right dirty trick and we'll find out who slipped that card into the signing stack! I'll have Melania home in no time, you can count on that."  He appeared distraught until first daughter Ivanka promised to stay with him at the White House until officials could free Melania.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will keep abreast of this story and report any updates.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

BANNON IS CAUGHT IN A WEEKEND FOOD ORGY

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER STEVE BANNON, IS BLAMING WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN STAFF FOR LEAKING NEWS AND PHOTOS OF HIS WEEKEND FOOD ORGY, SAYS HEADS WILL ROLL......

WASHINGTON, D.C.


Steve Bannon was photographed in bed with some of his favorites
In what some are calling a pornographic and obscene food orgy at the White House, others are saying it just didn't happen.  Trump, upon seeing the pictures, called them fake. "Not even Steve, could eat that much pizza." he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "These pictures are real, but everything you see in them is fake."

Meanwhile a White House steward, gave unnamed sources a tape recorded version of the said orgy.  On the tape were sounds of a man howling, grunting, giggling, belching, along with a bed squeaking, heaving breathing, and paper bags being ripped open, followed by more moaning.
Bannon ordered the White House locked down after he said he heard snickering outside his private room.  When later pressed by Press Secretary Sean Spicer, about the huge number of empty food containers and boxes scattered about his room and hallway , Bannon blamed the kitchen janitors and said heads would roll come Monday. There were also reports of pizza sauce stains on his bed sheets.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

TRUMP PLANNING TO DISCOURAGE IMMIGRANTS FROM COMING TO OUR SHORES

NEW LEAKS COMING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE REVEAL PLANS TO REMOVE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY  AND REPLACE IT WITH A 300 FOOT TALL STATUE OF TRUMP ....

WASHINGTON D.C.
 "You are not welcome here."
Thanks to a few brave "leakers" in the White House, OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to learn of a secret plot to remove the Statue of Liberty from Ellis Island and replace it with a giant likeness of Donald Trump, standing on a base with a plaque reading, "You Are Not Welcome Here!"

Those in the know said the statue is being cast in concrete and will have a very thin skin of bronze covering it.  Trump has been carefully overseeing the project and was especially concerned about the size of the leaf in the genital area.  A leaf twice the original size was finally sculpted  into place with the approval of First Daughter Ivanka. "Daddy's bigger than life and he should have a big leaf!" she quipped, with a playful smile.

Trump is very pleased with the statue and keeping true to his television rating roots, began tweeting teaser promotions about the new statue.  In one he said, "It's coming and it's gonna be big!"  A few minutes later he tweeted, "It makes Miss Liberty look weak, really weak."  And then, "It's gonna have big hands, really big hands, and you know what that means."

Democrats on the Hill hope to get enough help from across the isle, to prevent the statue from replacing the Statue of Liberty.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there for the final vote.


Thursday, February 16, 2017

PRIVATE OFFICE CAM RECORDS MAN'S HEAD EXPLODE AS HE READS POLITITICAL HEADLINES

IN WHAT IS BEING CALLED A FREAK OFFICE ACCIDENT A FIFTY FOUR YEAR OLD OFFICE WORKER WAS KILLED WHEN HIS HEAD EXPLODED WHILE READING THE HEADLINES FROM TODAY'S WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE.....
Man's name has been withheld.

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

An office worker, whose name is being withheld until a positive I.D. can be made, died instantly while reading political headlines at his desk today.  The death, captured on the company's office cam, was shocking but not totally unexpected.  The employee, who is being called Bang, until his identification can be cross referenced with his I.D. badge, had been showing signs of extreme frustration with the news coming out of Washington D.C. and was beginning to swear under his breath as co-workers sat near by.
One co-worker, Ella Vadder sat at the desk just in front of Bang's and heard him rustling the newspaper and saying F words a few seconds before she heard a loud bang and felt something warm splatter on her neck.  "It was awful!" she told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "Like most of us here in the office, he's been getting pretty riled up over the White House bunch, but I guess it got to be too much for (Bang), I never thought the poor guy would end up losing his head over it though."

OFF THE WALL NEWS would like to warn  readers faint of heart, or with weak stomachs  to not look at the picture captured on the office cam and shown with this story. More news will be reported about this tragedy as it becomes available.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

KELLYANNE CONWAY TO GET PRIME TIME REPRIMAND FOR BREAKING ETHICS RULES

IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL REPRIMAND HIS TOP ADVISOR KELLYANNE CONWAY, LIVE ON NATIONAL T.V. DURING AN INFOMERCIAL OF IVANKA TRUMP CLOTHING AND ACCESSORIES...... 

NEW YORK, NY.

Promo teaser for upcoming reprimand show
Democrats are seeing red again this morning after Trump announced his latest "Make America Great Again" ploy.  In a statement from Mar-a-Lago, his winter White House, he said, "I'm being told Kellyanne, needs to be punished for hawking Ivanka's clothing line on Fox News. I really don't see anything wrong with that as Ivanka has a great clothing line, some people say the best clothing line there is. However to prove how strict I can be, I will reprimand Kellyanne live during Ivanka's upcoming QVC infomercial. The true Americans who count on me, will not only see Ivanka's best line of clothing and accessories, but will see Kellyanne get what she has coming to her." 
News sources say a clip of the reprimand rehearsal, which lasted for hours, was leaked on purpose to spark interest in hopes of getting Ivanka's infomercial better ratings.
Kellyanne was questioned just outside the White House and told reporters she wished all women could be as lucky as she was to have a boss like President Trump reprimand her all afternoon.  "I've learned my lesson." she said with a wink.  OFF THE WALL NEWS  will continue to probe for more details.
 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

RUMORS ABOUT TRUMP'S TRUE IDENTITY SURFACE AFTER SCHOOL PICTURE IS REVEALED

TRUMP DENIES IT IS HIM IN THE PICTURE, CLAIMING HE IS BETTER LOOKING, YET REFUSES TO TAKE A DNA TEST......


WASHINGTON, D.C.

Less than three weeks into his new presidency rumors are flying around Washington that the man who now holds the title of POTUS may be in the middle of the biggest prank ever.
Donald J. Trump
 The photo in question arrived early this morning at the news offices of OFF THE WALL NEWS, Washington D.C.'s most unbelievable news organizations and was quickly analyzed for authenticity.  Found to be an authentic photograph, the White House was notified before the photo was passed on to the news pool.
Trump responded in a tweet.  "The picture is fake. I can tell. Even a blind guy could tell, it's not me. No way. I'm better looking."
Steve Bannon?
The picture looked to have been cut out of a school yearbook and while the name under the picture says Donald J. Trump, T.V. scholars are saying it's a dead ringer for Eddie Haskell from 1950s television and sounds like the kind of prank Haskell would pull.
Trump has been asked to take a DNA test, but refuses, saying as President, he doesn't have to.
Washington insiders are wondering if Haskell didn't grow up and change his name to Donald J.Trump as a giant gag.  If so, who is the person calling himself Steve Bannon?  Could it be Lumpy Rutherford?  OFF THE WALL NEWS plans to investigate.





Wednesday, February 8, 2017

TRUMP SAYS HE WILL PRODUCE NEW TV SHOW TITLED "ABOVE THE LAW"

SAYING PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS PLAYED GOLF, IN HIS TIME OFF HE PLANS TO PRODUCE A WILD WEST REALITY T.V SHOW WHERE HE WILL PLAY HIMSELF AS A SHERIFF THAT IS...... ABOVE THE LAW!

WASHINGTON, D.C.
  Trump's new TV show "Above the Law" is full of staffers and special guests

Promising it to be better than classic old T.V. Westerns like Gun Smoke or even his teen favorite, Bonanza, Trump has been working on a new western themed reality show that puts him in the spotlight.  "People want to see me." he tweeted.  "They like me so much, they made me their President."
OFF THE WALL NEWS first learned of this undertaking when our embedded reporter talked directly to Trump while the two shared a restroom in the White House.  This is her report.
Trump came into the restroom and immediately started practicing walking like John Wayne.  "How do I look?" he asked.   (Note: Our reporter is disguised as a male and undercover.) "I mean isn't this just how the Duke walked in True Grit?"
I quickly praised his swaggering walk.  Trump used this as an opening to spill his guts.
"You know since I left the Celebrity Apprentice, the show has tanked and I get cards from all my fans begging me to come back to T.V.  I figured since I'm now President and above the law, I could make a T.V. show about it and to make it fun, I'd make it a Western."  Trump then pretended to draw an imaginary six-shooter and shoot himself in the mirror.
"Everyone on my staff said it would be fun, even Mitch McConnell said he'd be in it and play an old prospector.  This is gonna be good.  I mean really good.  We're gonna have foreign dignitaries on the show and trick them into live on air shoot outs.  I've even got Gary Busey for comic relief." He then turned to me and winked.  "What until you see me and Putin  ride off into the sunset at the end of the first show."
His phone rang and he was called away. I could hear him swearing under his breath as he left the restroom.
OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to obtain some footage of the pilot episode. a still of the opening scene, is shown above.




LOCAL CHAINSAW OPERATOR ARRESTED FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS

WOODSMAN STOPPED BY SHERIFF AS HE ATTEMPTS TO START HIS CHAINSAW......


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Peter Fingeroff, 43, of Bridgeport was overheard boasting about his chainsaw skills at Loony's Bar and Grill early yesterday morning, prompting a call to the local authorities. Patrons at Loony's told OFF THE WALL NEWS that Fingeroff was about "three sheets to the wind" when he left to cut timber.
An hour later Bridgeport County Sheriff Bul Dozer, caught up to Fingeroff south of town where he was just getting ready to start his chainsaw.
Sheriff's photo of Fingeroff starting his chainsaw

Sheriff Dozer stopped Fingeroff and charged him with the following violations:
Not wearing safety glasses.
Not wearing ear plugs.
Not wearing safety gloves.
Not wearing a safety helmet.
All punishable by a $50. fine.

The Sheriff said he also wanted to charge Fingeroff with improper positioning of the chainsaw while trying to start it, but there is no law against holding a chainsaw between your legs.  Fingeroff was booked into the county jail and said he plans to appeal the fines.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

AS PROMISED, PRESIDENT RECEIVES GAME BALL FROM BRADY

TAKING A RARE BREAK FROM SIGNING PRESIDENTIAL EXECUTIVE ORDERS, TRUMP PERSONALLY MET THE USP DRIVER AT THE WHITE HOUSE BACK DOOR FOR A SPECIAL DELIVERY PACKAGE FROM TOM BRADY......

WASHINGTON D.C.

"I'd like to give Tom a cabinet post to control inflation."
President Trump was all smiles Monday after receiving and then putting on display for the world to see, the Super Bowl game ball from Tom Brady. 
"This game ball means more to me than the massage I got from Kellyanne during the game." he told White House staffers.  He was speaking of his top advisor, Kellyanne Conway who worked feverishly massaging him, to control his rage after the Patriots fell behind 25 to 3 just before halftime in the game.

After receiving the ball, he carried it with him all day long on Monday, taking it to his private quarters at day's end.  Then the tweets started.  "I congratulate the Patriots on a terrific come back!" was the first one, followed by, "I hope the Atlanta Losers have learned a lesson."  "As for Tom Brady, I'd like to give him a cabinet  post, to control inflation. He'd be good at that."


Monday, February 6, 2017

IN A SHOW OF CAMARADERIE BRADY SAVES DEFLATED GAME BALL FOR TRUMP

TRUMP COULD NOT CONTROL HIS EMOTIONS AFTER THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS  DEFEATED THE ATLANTA FALCONS IN THE SUPERBOWL ON SUNDAY ESPECIALLY AFTER TOM BRADY PROMISED HIM THE GAME BALL....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

This is for Donald!
Trump was tense for the first three quarters of the game Sunday as his favorite team trailed by a "Yuge" margin. 
The commercials did little to brighten his mood, with all the subliminal messages about immigrants and togetherness and it wasn't till the game became tied  at the end, that he got his cockiness back.
He texted Brady just before the overtime period began and Brady promised him it was in the bag.  "We've been using my balls this last quarter," he told Trump in a text. "I'll save the game ball for you!"
The Patriots won the toss and moved the ball down the field to win.  As Brady came to the sidelines he held up the deflated ball and told reporters, "This is for Donald!"
Trump ran off to his private tweet room and sent out a tweet about how much he hated losers and sent it off to Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will file another report when President Trump receives the game ball.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

ELEVATOR MUSIC LEGEND DIES IN FALL DOWN ELEVATOR SHAFT

BARRY KUUL, FAMED LEAD GUITAR PLAYER FOR THE SHAFT, A POPULAR ELEVATOR MUSIC BAND FELL TO HIS DEATH DURING A LIVE CONCERT PROMOTING THE GRAND OPENING OF A NEW ELEVATOR IN THE BRIDGEPORT BANK BUILDING.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Barry Kuul
The lights in the Bridgeport Bank building have been dimmed to half brightness to show respect for Barry Kuul, lead guitarist for The Shaft, the local elevator music band that made it big.  Kuul and his gang of elevator music musicians were at the elevator entrance on the twenty fifth floor, when Kuul went into a frenzied guitar solo.  Unbeknownst to him the elevator door opened and he backed into the elevator, falling twenty five stories to his death.  Witnesses said they heard him playing all the way down.
A roadie looks down shaft
Kuul, also wrote most of the music his band recorded for elevators everywhere. While on tour in Japan, in 2010, he was mobbed by elevator music fans and had to spend a week in seclusion before continuing the tour.  The Shaft's Greatest Hits Album was released just last week with the song "I'm On My Way Up" reaching number two on Billboard charts, followed by "I've Got That Down Feeling", coming in at number twelve.

Kuul will be missed, but not far away.  He wanted to be buried at the bottom of a shaft when he died and his wishes will be honored according Bridgeport Bank President John Cash. 
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will attend the funeral and report any elevated news.


Friday, February 3, 2017

PRESIDENT BRAKES ARM DURING AN ANTI-SCHWARZENEGGER RALLY

TRUMP, FEELING COCKY AFTER BERATING SCHWARZENEGGER'S T.V. RATINGS ON  APPRENTICE, TRIED PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK AND BROKE HIS ARM....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

For those in the room, it made a horrible sound.  Some winced, while others rushed up to President Trump to comfort him. Fighting back tears, he let a visiting Boy Scout put his right arm in a sling until the medical staff could reset the bone.
"A good pat on the back is worth it."
"I don't know why I'm the one that always has to pat my back." he whimpered. "There should be a line waiting."
Trump was in a small meeting room, not far from the Oval Office telling advisers and members of an anti-Austrian group, visiting the White House that NBC should have never hired Arnold Schwarzenegger to replace him on the Celebrity Apprentice.
"I'm irreplaceable," he told the group. "And the way he talks ain't good, is it?  I don't think so.  I mean he say's, 'your terminated!', what the hell does that mean?! You have to speak English."
He received a round of applause, which fed his ego. He quickly stood up on a chair and proclaimed, "No one gets better ratings than me!"  He then tried  reaching around to give himself a pat on the back, snapping a bone in his arm. 
"This is Schwarzenegger's fault, believe me." he said on the way out. "He'll pay for the doctor's fees."
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be here to announce any updates.


Friday, January 27, 2017

MEXICO THROWS WRENCH IN TRUMP'S PLAN FOR PAYING FOR THE WALL

IN A SHOW OF DEFIANCE OVER MEXICO'S REFUSAL TO PAY FOR THE WALL, TRUMP DEMANDS VICE PRESIDENT PENCE CANCEL HIS FAMILY'S UPCOMING CANCUN VACATION AND OUTLAW THE SERVING OF TACOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

It's been a long first week for "rookie" President Donald J.Trump.  Beginning with the size of the crowd at his inaugural, it seems to have gone down hill from there.  By the time Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto told him Mexico wouldn't pay for the border wall and canceled their scheduled meeting , Trump's eyes were twitching, causing blood vessels to burst. 
Early this morning, in retaliation he instructed Vice President Pence to cancel his upcoming Cancun vacation, slated for March.  He then directed Pence to go to the kitchen and tell the chef, tacos were forbidden in the White House until further notice.
Trump was upset with Mexico's  message
Insiders told OFF THE WALL NEWS Trump then called his closest adviser Kellyanne Conway and demanded she write down his new list of other countries that could be made to pay for the wall.  The list was said to include Canada, Iran, Norway, England, and Australia.  
"We're going to have a wall!" he shouted to her, "And it's going to be the biggest wall you've ever seen!  It's going to be a great wall, it will make China's great wall look puny in comparison!"

OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to monitor the first 100 days of Trump's presidency.
 


Thursday, January 26, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REDECORATES OVAL OFFICE, SAYS MEXICO WILL PAY FOR IT

USING NEGOTIATING SKILLS FROM HIS BOOK, THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF CLAIMS HE "GOT HIS WAY" WITH THE MEXICANS AS HE POSES IN FRONT OF NEW OVAL OFFICE WALL.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

President Trump at work in the newly decorated Oval Office
Telling staffers he was bored of looking out the huge bay windows, he signed an executive order to "dress up" the walls in the oval office.  He clapped his hands twice and White House workers jumped into action.  His Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway helped him pick out the wallpaper, while Vice President Pence helped with choosing the wallpaper paste.

"President Trump was able to negotiate a good deal and the Mexicans will end up paying for most of the wallpaper!"  a smiling Kellyanne Conway told OFF THE WALL. "He wanted something to make it easy to pick him out of a crowd and he simply adores what we found."

Mexican President Enrique Pina Nieto, when learning of this latest declaration could only laugh and in a message to OFF THE WALL NEWS said, "Trump wanted money to re-paper his personal bathroom, we said no and that was that."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will get to the bottom of this and find out just who is being more truthful.


 


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

BRIDGEPORT STUDY REVEALS SOME PEOPLE LIVE LONGER THAN OTHERS

SKEPTIC PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER KELLYANNE CONWAY IS NOW WAVERING IN HER BELIEFS AFTER BEGINNING TO READ THE 
900 PAGE REPORT  RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC......


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer was delighted to have the world's attention shift elsewhere Monday, when news of the Bridgeport  Longevity Study overshadowed the inaugural attendance debate. 

Scientists at the Bridgeport Aging Study Center announced their findings on Monday morning after a long and exhaustive study on how longevity affects people's lives. 
Evidence file photo #12
Research Professor Ukanbe Shur, 58, on loan from the Kenya Research Center in Nairobi, talked to OFF THE WALL NEWS from his laboratory office.
"All the findings in our research show some people die sooner than others," he said. "This is a fact of life."

"I know the real facts of life."
Immediately after the report was released, skeptics began calling the report bogus, pointing out that the graves in the evidence pictures are empty and most likely just tombstones.  Leading the skeptics was Kellyanne Conway, who was as always, very vocal.  "How can this be a fact of life?  The facts of life I learned on prom night, were very different."

This prompted a reporter to ask  her where the presidents on our country's paper money were today?  "That is an unfair question!" she exclaimed. "I'm going to read this report and I'll get back to you."

A few hours later, after reading a hundred or more pages, she said she would have nothing further to say about the Bridgeport report on longevity.  OFF THE WALL NEWS, will continue to press her on the issues.




Sunday, January 22, 2017

OFF THE WALL NEWS WINS THE KARMA NEWS REPORTING AWARD

KEEPING IT LOW KEY, OFF THE WALL NEWS'S SENIOR EDITOR AND LEAD REPORTER ACCEPTED THE WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND KARMA AWARD SATURDAY NIGHT IN FRONT OF A ROOMFUL OF HIS PEERS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor
In this "gotta be number one" world, Senior Editor and reporter Dave Taylor was always content to stay in the background and let the others reap the rewards and claim the prizes when in it came to gathering and reporting the news.  Saturday Taylor was pushed to the forefront and became the news, as he and his crack team of reporters were this year's recipients of  the What Goes Around, Comes Around Karma award.
"It's all about Karma." Taylor said softly as he held up the WGACAK award ribbon. "If you do good at something, it will come back to you. My team and I would rather not be the news, but thanks."

He was awarded the ribbon for many of the past stories now filed away the OFF THE WALL NEWS ARCHIVES.  One of his favorites was breaking the story of the legalization of strip poker clubs in Bridgeport. "We told the naked truth." he stated.  Other great reporting occurred when he and Pope Frances paled around during the Pope's visit to the U.S. and together attended an AC/DC concert.  Topping it off of course, was his travels with then Presidential candidate Donald Trump in Iowa last summer, where Taylor and Trump toured in Trump's helicopter.

"It's been fun, but we're just scratching the surface," Taylor said at the close of the ceremony. "This ribbon will be stapled to our wall at the OFF THE WALL NEWS office so everyone in our organization can stare at it from time to time and see that hard work pays off."
With that he left quietly out a back door.  There was more news to uncover.