Monday, October 2, 2017

TRUMP CONDEMNS LAS VEGAS MASS SHOOTING, BUT REEPHASIZES GOOD PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES

ASKING FOR PEACE AND HARMONY, TRUMP WAS RELIEVED TO LEARN HIS HOTEL HAD NOT BEEN USED BY THE SHOOTER, SIGHTING AUTOMATIC RIFLES ARE NOT ALLOWED ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR OF ANY TRUMP PROPERTY........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

 It was thumbs up when asked about good people on both sides
 When Trump was told  the worst mass shooting in American history had taken place in Las Vegas, he tried to make light of it by saying, "Well we know the shooter wasn't Elvis."
When no one laughed, he quickly added, "Look I'm joking right?  Everybody knows I'm joking.  I was just trying to raise everyone's spirits. Sometimes the President has to stop being presidential and be like the class clown to lighten the mood."

The press corps quickly began asking him about the steps that will be taken to prevent any future shootings using military style rifles  on innocent people.
"We are ready to take any steps necessary,"  he said in his best presidential demeanor.
"Does this mean some kind of ban on automatic weapons?"  another reporter shouted out. 
"Will someone shut her up!" Trump shouted back.  "Always someone in the media pool talking about taking away our second amendment rights. Get her out of here!"

The reporter was roughly carried out of the press room and Trump continued.  "Look, we don't know who the shooter was, he may have been confused and shot a lot of good people, but we have no way of telling what was in in heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is good in everyone, there was good on both sides here.."
He was then asked if he really believed that and he smiled and gave a thumbs up.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

HUGH HEPNER MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY COMMITED A RARE FORM OF SUICIDE

PLAYBOY MAGNET AND FOUNDER,  DIED FROM WHAT A DOCTOR CALLED R.E.S. OR RECREATIONAL ERECTION SUICIDE.......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.


  Hefner was the life of the party until he wasn't. Seen here in his final moment
After an extended after-party party, party guests said Hugh Hefner, 91, failed to seek medical help when a drug induced erection lasted more than four hours.  He became delirious and started foaming at the mouth.  Party attendees gathered around him as he fell to the floor and began playing in the foam, thinking it was a Playboy Mansion game.
"At the end, he smiled and took one last breath." Former Miss August, Whisper Bang, told OFF THE WALL news. "We were all kneeling around him rubbing the foam around on his chest, when we realized the party was over."
The Mansion doctor was summoned and upon arrival, declared that Hefner had indeed passed away.  It was   then that Miss October broke down and told the medical staff that Hefner had taken a triple dose of Viagra, keeping him erect close to six hours, two hours longer than was medically safe. Doctors agreed, that at his age, it was too much for his heart and brain, which were starved of the blood that had pooled in the penis.
His personal physician sadly told reporters, "It could have been prevented if Hefner had notified me after four hours, leading me to believe Hef's death was self induced, but we'll never know for sure. He seemed to die a happy man and but sadly will no longer be the life of the party."


Friday, September 29, 2017

VOTING OFFICIALS SURPRISED BY FEMALE VOTER LOOKING A LOT LIKE JARED KUSHNER

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CHIEF ADVISOR AND SON IN LAW,  HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF DRESSING AND VOTING AS A WOMEN, SENDING A SHOCK WAVE THOUGH THE WHITE HOUSE.  TRUMP PROMISES TO GIVE JARED THE "GRAB" TEST, SAYING HE'LL GRAB HIM "DOWN THERE" AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Jared Kushner? (Photo from voting official body cam.)
The woman in black, with long blonde hair bore a striking similarity to Jared Kushner, as she waited in line to vote for a city official on Tuesday.  There were pointing fingers and  low whispers  directed toward the young woman, who kept her head down and let her hair conceal her face.  She moved up, voted and then ran for her waiting limo, losing a high heeled shoe in the process.  Witnesses say they saw Ivanka Trump in the waiting limo and said she did not look happy.
"I know pissed, when I see it!" bystander Lovetta Bang told OFF THE WALL news. "I could swear I heard screams coming out of that car as it took off."
The high heel shoe was recovered and verified as the same size Kushner wears and the brand matchs one that Ivanka sells.
President Trump was as flustered as a father in law could be, when told of the news.  "I wondered about him, when Ivanka brought him home to me."  he told reporters.  "I'll grab him in the, you know."  he winked and then continued.  "I'll grab him down there and see if he screams or hollers. I can always tell who is who!"
OFF THE WALL news is waiting for fingerprints at the voting booth before making any accusations...

Monday, September 25, 2017

EARLY PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE LEAKED TO PRESS

A PICTURE OF MIKE PENCE TAKEN "BACK IN THE DAY" SURFACED SHOWING THE VP LOOKING QUITE MELLOW WITH WHAT POT ADVOCATES CALL A "FAT-BOY"........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Mike Pence 1975 college photo
The quiet, stone faced man with the Mona Lisa like smile, who is often photographed standing behind the President may have a reason for looking stone faced.  He may in fact be stoned! 
A picture of the Vice President, taken before he entered politics was sent to OFF THE WALL news over the weekend, most likely to embarrass Pence. As per OFF THE WALL new's policy against publishing embarrassing pictures, the picture was edited to hide his left hand.
No one knows for sure who sent the picture, though some are speculating  Pence may have leaked it himself. In his college yearbook, the nickname under his graduation picture is "Rocket man".  Last week as Trump used this Elton John song title to describe Kim Jong Un, it may in fact have jarred up old memories in Pence of his college "daze".

Friday, September 22, 2017

TRUMP CHALLENGES KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF FAMILY FEUD

TRUMP CHALLENGED KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD ADMITTING IT MAY NOT GET KIM TO ABANDON NUCLEAR AMBITIONS, BUT THE RATINGS WOULD BE SECOND TO NONE......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.

In what may be a first for a Presidential family, Donald Trump, known for his T.V. reality show Celebrity Apprentice, wants to go for that illusive T.V. Emmy and get Kim Jong Un on the Celebrity Family Feud program.  Ivanka and Donald Jr. will join their father up against Kim Jong Un, his wife, and any uncles Kim may have left. Kim was said to be contemplating the proposal.
Don Jr., Ivanka, Donald, with  host Steve Harvey in rehearsal
"It should be wild and crazy!" Feud host Steve Harvey told OFF THE WALL news. "With questions like, what are the top ten signs of neurosis and favorite things in a grab-bag, we should have a real contest!"
At this printing, HBO, HULU, and AMAZON PRIME are all vying for the rights to air the program, even though Ivanka wants the rights to advertise her line of pricey clothes.
OFF THE WALL news will be there when and if the program actually airs.



Wednesday, September 20, 2017

STILL HOPING TO PASS SOMETHING IN HIS FIRST YEAR, TRUMP ADDS CABBAGE AND BOILED EGGS TO HIS DIET

Trump dreamed of passing something
AFTER A ROUGH EIGHT MONTHS WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING PASSED, THE PRESIDENT CHANGED HIS DIET, SENDING AIDES AND STAFFERS RUNNING TO OPEN WINDOWS......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump won't say for sure, but leakers close to him are saying Trump began a new eating regiment in the White House.  One leaked story says the White House Chef was summoned to the Oval Office and told to add cooked cabbage and boiled eggs to all meals, including midnight snacks.

It must be working, as those closest to him are looking for ways to opt out on Air Force One when Presidential traveling is necessary.  The only official sticking close to him at all times is Vice President Pence, even though he was seen pulling a small bottle of oxygen around behind him, like someone with emphysema. 

Trump tweeted on Tuesday, "They can't say I can't get things passed!"  Followed up by, "It's just that I miss Ivanka, can't wait to see her again!"  Reports are she will not come into the Oval Office while her father is "passing" his new legislation.

OFF THE WALL news in in contact with the White House Chef and will let readers know when the menu changes again.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

TELEPHONE BATTLE HEATS UP AS CALL FROM KIM JONG UN DURING DINNER HOUR INFURIATES TRUMP

TRUMP TAKES OUT HIS FRUSTRATIONS WITH KIM JONG UN'S CALL BY DOWNING A HALF DOZEN CHEESEBURGERS BEFORE VOWING TO DISTURB THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER'S SLEEP IN A MIDNIGHT CALL....

WASHINGTON D.C.


It started out innocently with the most powerful man in the free world and the "evil" dictator of the North Korean nation playing phone tag. One would call the other and leave a message until it escalated into placing calls at odd hours and inconvenient times.
"Somehow Kim Jong Un found out when I enjoy bowl movements!" Trump complained.  "I don't know who leaked that info, but if I find out, I'll turn them over to Pence and he'll plug the leak!" He was talking of course of Vice President Mike Pence who shook his head and looked ready to follow any orders given him..

Trump downs the forth of six cheeseburgers.
White House insiders told OFF THE WALL news that Trump became so distracted by getting   telephone calls while in the toilet, it caused a bowel blockage, requiring an enema.
Trump received numerous other calls at strange times, but the straw that broke the camel's back came last evening as Trump was trying to unwind just before dinner was served.  He had removed his tie and just as Pence was helping him remove his shoes, the telephone rang.
On the line was a laughing Kim Jong Un, who said in broken English, "So sawwy, did I cawl at bad time?"
Trump slammed the receiver down and in a show of raw emotion devoured his, Pence's, and Ivanka's cheeseburgers, all six in within four minutes.  With his mouth still full he managed to say, "I'll get that little peckerhead! I'll call him back at midnight!"
Hopefully for the world this telephone war won't escalate beyond prank calls.


Friday, September 15, 2017

FLAT EARTH SOCIETY IS GAINING GROUND WITH PRESIDENT

TRUMP WELCOMED MEMBERS OF THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY TO THE WHITE HOUSE THURSDAY, FOR A CONFERENCE ON DECLARING THE EARTH FLAT AGAIN AFTER  SEEING THE EARTH FROM THE AIR.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

The Oval Office was filled with Flat Earth Society members almost thirty minutes before the President made his appearance. They were fed peanuts and offered $.75 soft drinks for a quarter.
First Daughter Ivanka greets Flat Earth Society
To appease the crowd prior to Trump's appearance, First Daughter Ivanka Trump entered the room in a rather snug fitting red dress, that seemed to counter the belief in the room that the earth was flat.  She smiled and greeted the gathering of Trump supporters, who couldn't take their eyes off of her.  "Welcome, Daddy and I are so happy you are here!" she said in a soft and almost seductive voice.  "Daddy has a lot to say about the curvature of the earth."
She then went around the room giving out deflated Patriot footballs that had been signed by the President and Tom Brady.  "See how flat they are." she said smiling, although most attendees were not looking at the footballs.

President Trump then entered the Oval office followed by Vice President Pence who look bewildered.  The crowd, made up of mostly men gave Trump a rousing welcome.
"Hello.  I see you have met Ivanka.  Isn't she something to look at? Sometimes my eyes water."  He then asked her to show Pence out and she and Pence left the room.

The president of the Flat Earth Society then asked Trump to declare the earth flat again, showing him pictures of the earth as a flat pan cake. Trump was very much amazed at their findings. "You know." he said, "I've seen this good Earth from up in Air Force One many times and I have to agree, it looks pretty flat, unlike a certain daughter of mine."  He smiled broadly before continuing. "I'm joking. You know it and I know it. Only Jared knows for sure." he added with a wink, speaking of his son-in-law. "Some say the Earth is round and others like you, say it is flat.  You are both right.  Can we agree on that much?"
There were no replies from any of the attendees and it got strangely quiet in the room.  Trump quickly continued.  "I'm going put together a panel of  experts, led by Michel Bachmann to study this mystery and I'll get back to you."

The group were then led out, each holding on to their souvenir Tom Brady footballs.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story to the ends of the earth.






Wednesday, September 13, 2017

TRUMP FAMILY PHOTO FOUND IN TRUMP TOWER TRASH DUMPSTER

SCAVENGERS DIGGING THROUGH TRUMP TRASH FIND DISCARDED PICTURE OF A YOUNG DONALD AND IVANKA IN AN INTERESTING SITUATION......

NEW YORK, NY

Donald and Ivanka during a "family" situation.
An old photo of a young Donald Trump and daughter Ivanka as a teen, surfaced last night after scavengers were chased away from the Trump dumpster yesterday afternoon.  Security officers found what appeared to be a family photo album minus most of the pictures, on the ground near the dumpster.
The photo shown here, was obtained by OFF THE WALL news for $10 from a street peddler. In the photo, Donald is being hugged by an eager and possessive Ivanka.
Trump, when asked about it, tried to play down the photo and said he didn't see anything wrong with the picture, "Ivanka had just waken from a bad dream and needed his assurance that she was safe." He made a call to security and had them double the watch outside Ivanka's door, then sat with her until she fell back asleep.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

MAN WHO SHOOTS HIMSELF WITH FUN GUN DIES LAUGHING

INVENTOR OF NEW TYPE OF WEAPON DUBBED THE FUN GUN, DIES LAUGHING WHILE DEMONSTRATING NEW DEVICE......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Boom, seconds before his death
Roger Boom, 28, of Bridgeport got the last laugh Monday as he pulled the trigger of his latest invention called the Fun Gun.
He had told city officials he had devised the perfect weapon,  a weapon that when fired at someone, would make them laugh instead of killing them. It turned out differently however at a demonstration in front of the Sleepy Eye Bar, downtown Bridgeport.  It was there that a small crowd of gawkers assembled to watch Boom shoot himself in the head with his "Fun Gun". 
"It was awful!" One woman said.  "I don't think one person watching laughed.  I kept waiting for the guy to get up, but he never did."

He had told those close to him that he hoped to change their world with the Fun Gun.  As it turned out, it only changed his world in a very subtle way.  Boom had been working on getting people to stop harming each other and said that if we could get people to laugh during a confrontation, it would defuse the rage.   He had hoped to market the new weapon by the holidays, but told OFF THE WALL news, if his experiment failed, he would have the last laugh. 

Boom will be buried Friday next to his older brother Bob, who was killed last year by another of Boom's inventions, the Happy Arrow.  Officials destroyed Boom's Fun Gun so no one else would try it.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO BUILD HIS BASE BY CONNECTING WITH TRANGENDER AND LGBT GROUPS

SAYING HE WAS ONLY JOKING WITH HIS TWEET BANNING LGBT IN THE MILITARY, TRUMP CAME OUT WITH A SOFTER, BOULDER, YET POUTY LOOK......

WASHINGTON D.C.

President Trump and First Daughter Ivanka
Catching White House staff off guard this morning, President Trump and daughter Ivanka emerged from his private quarters,wearing full make-up. Gasps could be heard from across the room as the two joined a crack reporter from OFF THE WALL news for an exclusive interview.  What follows is small portion of that interview. (The full interview will be published in Dave Taylor's upcoming book, "Overcoming the Trump in the Road".)

OTW: "Mr. President, is this the new you?"  Trump: "This is who I am, kind, caring, wanting, and I've been told many, many times, good looking."
OTW:  "Who did your make-up?" Trump: "Ivanka. She has always been able to bring out the real me."
He gave Ivanka a squeeze and the two gazed into each other's eyes as he finished his comment. "Meaning, in a father/daughter way."  Ivanka then added, "Since Daddy told me he was joking about banning the LBGT community in the armed forces, I suggested he show his inner feelings and let me make him up. We had great, great fun trying different blushes, shades, and liners. We could have gone too far and people might have been confused, thinking he was a porn star, so we softened his lip gloss to keep his Presidentual look."

The total interview lasted forty-five minutes and then father and daughter retreated back up stairs to the private quarters.  Trump has had a trying few weeks and he had hopes that a new image would help his cause.  Now that Steve Bannon is gone, he hopes things change quickly.  With Bannon's departure, it frees up a bedroom in the private quarters.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

OFF THE WALL NEWS FOUNDER AND SENIOR EDITOR DAVE TAYLOR TURNS 61

OTW FOUNDER TRIED TO KEEP HIS BIRTHDAY LOW KEY IF NOT QUIET, BUT DUE TO A POSSIBLE LEAK, IT TURNED INTO A TON OF FUN.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN


Dave Taylor and the elephant in the room.
Dave Taylor's 61st birthday last Friday, became cause for celebration at the OFF THE WALL news headquarters in Bridgeport, Minnesota.  Taylor, who tried to keep his "day" hidden from the news, was surprised when a four ton elephant with "Happy 61st Dave" written on its forehead came high stepping into the boardroom.

Taylor looked around the table and asked if anyone else could see the elephant in the room and received blank stares. The pachyderm then smeared frosting on Taylor's cheek with its long trunk and the room errupted with laughter.  The next hour was filled with uncontrolled laughter, as reporters related their favorite OFF THE WALL news story from the past eight years. At the end of the day, the huge birthday pachyderm was crated and sent to an elephant sancturary in Afica, where it could celebrate all its remaining birthdays amonst fellow elephants.

The staff was given the rest of the day off and Taylor went back to work, scouring the wire for worthy news stories.  Taylor would like to thank readers for their birthday wishes and promises continued reporting of news not reported elswhere.  

 



Thursday, August 3, 2017

TRUMP AWARDED HIS OWN MERIT BADGE FOR RECENT SPEECH TO BOY SCOUTS

THE PRESIDENT WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT IT MEANT AND ASKED WHY IT WASN'T BIGGER......


WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump's Merit Badge for BS
President Trump ignited a firestorm last week after turning a non political event, addressing the Boy Scouts Jamboree, into a self-serving political rally. It was bad enough that leaders of the Boy Scouts issued an apology to it's members and supporters. 

Trump then went on to tell those in the press that he received a telephone call from the scout leaders saying his speech was the best there ever was and thanked him. Once again, the leaders of the Boy Scouts came forth saying there were no phone calls, but decided the President had earned his own special Merit Badge.

In the Boy Scouts, a Merit Badge is a proud symbol of honor and achievement and there are numerous Merit Badges that can be earned and after the President's self-serving speech, it was thought he had earned his own.  He was awarded a badge for BS, the one and only badge of its kind ever awarded.  Trump, who was never a Boy Scout, wasn't quite sure what to think and asked why it wasn't bigger.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

TRUMP DEMANDS THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS UNDERGO A MANDATORY SPERM COUNT

SESSIONS COULDN'T BELIEVE HIS EARS WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT CAME UP BEHIND HIM AND WHISPERED TRUMP'S LATEST VOLLEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE SESSIONS TO RESIGN.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessions gets the word in front of an Obama Presidential portrait
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was meditating in the Obama Room when Vice President Pence came in through the back door of the quiet area, Sessions has made for himself next to his office.
"Jeff," Pence whispered loudly. "The Chief wants to test your sperm count to see if you're man enough to do your job."
Sessions, bit his lip and frowned, then replied, "Oh oh."
According to sources inside the White House, Trump wants to show Sessions who is in charge and get him to resign. 
Sources also are saying Mike Pence has undergone four sperm counts in the last three weeks.  "It's not all that bad," he told Sessions.  "If you pass, you can join me in becoming a sperm doner and get in on the free Viagra!"

Monday, July 24, 2017

PICTURE SURFACES SHOWING TRUMP'S FIRST MEETING WITH SCARAMUCCI

TRUMP WASTED NO TIME APPOINTING HIS NEW COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, ONCE HE REALIZED HE AND SCARAMUCCI WERE ONCE GOOD "BUDDIES"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scaramucci, 2nd from left, was first introduced to Trump, (r) at a funeral in 1998
A photo of Trump, during his first meeting with his newly appointed communications director, surfaced early this morning, much to the surprise of the President. He began reminising out loud to Dave Taylor, as the two met privately.

"We were both running with a fast and different crowd back then." Trump said. "Soprano introduced us and it turned out that Scaramucci really liked me! Of course, I went on to create a new group called the 'In Crowd' and as you know, went on to become the modern day President, can you believe it?!  Hillary never had a chance!
I think Tony Soprano went on to have his own TV show, but it never got the ratings, the Celebrity Apprentice got and didn't last too long."

Sources say there were more pictures taken at this funeral, but they have been confiscated by the Bambinni family out of respect for Lou Bambinni, who lay in the closed coffin.
OFF THE WALL news will continue to search for more photos.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

CAUGHT IN ANOTHER PRIVATE MEETING, TRUMP JR. SAYS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS

DONALD TRUMP JR ORIGINALLY SAID HE ONLY ATTENDED ONE PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER, NOW SOURCES MAY HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF A SECOND PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN BARTENDER.....

NEW YORK, NY.

Don Jr. and Jocko Noblik discuss Moscow Mules
Someone leaked a photo of a bare chested Donald Trump Jr. embracing Jocko Noblik, a former KGB officer who now resides in New York as a bartender and the media is eating it up. 
Trump Jr. denied the meeting until he was presented with a picture of the two of them arm in arm. "I didn't think that looked like me." he said before continuing. "But then I remembered meeting Mr. Noblik in a hotel bar. I asked him to show me how to make a Moscow Mule and he said the receipe was in his room.  I stopped up to see him after his shift and we became good friends."
Asked about the absence of his shirt in the photo, he told journalist that the two were comparing his scars to Knoblik's tattoos.
Noblik came to New York last year after loosing his job with the FSB, the  state security organisation  that replaced the KGB. Although he publicly maintains his bar tending story, embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter, Jon Smith (Not his real name.) reports he spends weeks at a time in Russia, helping Vladimir Putin groom his horse.  Sources believe Noblik is the link between Putin and Don Jr., but this has not been proven.  
In Trump's defence, he was seen in Koblik's hotel elevator holding a copper mug, garnished with lime.  Time will tell what the real truth is.





Tuesday, July 11, 2017

G20 SUMMIT PICTURE LEAKED TO THE PRESS INFURIATES TRUMP

G20 group picture
TRUMP SURPRISED HIS COUNTERPARTS AS THEY GATHERED ON THE LAST DAY OF THE G20 SUMMIT  FOR A GROUP SOLIDARITY PICTURE...........

HAMBURG, GERMANY

President Trump waited until his counterparts were all assembled for the group photo before bounding into the room and the center of the group.  "The Force is with me!" be blurted out.
Sources told OFF THE WALL news, the world leaders had agreed to wear the white storm trooper costumes to show the world their solidarity and when Trump came in dressed as Darth Vader, there was hissing and cat calls aplenty.  Trump said he was under the assumption that the picture would remain private and when told it had been leaked, turned bright red.
After the picture was taken, Trump produced a toy light sabre and challenged North Korea's Kim Jong Un to a duel. A few minutes later Mrs. Trump came into the room and told her husband, Kim Jong Un was not part of the G20 and it was time to leave, causing him to stomp out of the room.  We can only imagine what the flight home was like.

                                          

Thursday, July 6, 2017

MINNESOTA CITY ASKS COURT TO STOP TRUMP TOWER CONSTRUCTION ON LAKE FRONT PROPERTY

THE CITY HAS FILED A MOTION IN DISTRICT COURT TO PROHIBIT THE TRUMPS FROM ERECTING A TWENTY STORY TOWER ON THE CITY'S LAKEFRONT WHICH WOULD BLOCK THE VIEW OF THE LAKE AND BE THE TALLEST BUILDING IN 500 MILES......


UPTHERIVER, MN.

News leaked last month that the Trump organization, headed by Trump's sons, wanted to erect an new building in the North Minnesota city of Uptheriver that would completely block the view of the city's lake, Lake Serene.  Residents quickly formed a coalition against the planned building and sent a letter to the Sixth District Court of Northern Minnesota.

Don Jr. and Eric Trump came dressed for the job.
 This news was met with a  nasty tweet from the POTUS. "Why are you against a Trump Tower in your stinking little town? Sad! My sons will prevail."
"I promised my sons they could build the tallest building in North Min."
Trump then threatened to sign an executive order to drain Lake Seren for environmental reasons unless the city relented from their "unfair demands".

Don Jr. and Eric Trump first visited Uptheriver, (Pronounced Up-the-riv-er) in April and approached the City Council with their plan to erect a Trump Tower on the bank of Lake Serene. Thinking they would look like Minnesotans, the two were dressed in white shirts and bib overalls.  City officials worried that their planned building would block the complete lakefront from view, causing a loss of boaters and tourists. City Attorney Pat Magroin argued the building's height would also be detrimental to flying geese.
Informants told  OFF THE WALL news the reason behind Trumps wanting the building is to have their own resort to use when snipe hunting.

Monday, July 3, 2017

SAYING HE IS NOT FAT, TRUMP IS WEARING RUBBER UNDERWEAR TO LOSE WEIGHT

LIKING THE WAY IT FEELS NEXT TO HIS SKIN, HE PLANS TO WEAR IT AROUND THE CLOCK.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fighting critics who say he is looking fatter by the day, Trump is undergoing a new stratagy he says is more about style than stubstance.  "I look good in it, you know that and I know that. I can put on a pair of pants and suit coat over it and no one's the wiser, except me and I'm pretty wise."

"It's a little tight in the gut, but it looks good on me."
Trump has fired three taylors in the past six months, claiming they were making his clothes fit too tight.  "They were incompetent and had to be fired," he said as he downed his second double cheeseburger during lunch.

Trump got the idea for wearing rubber underwear to lose weight, from a story in the National Enquirer about fat ladies in the circus who wore rubber panties to contain their "huge derrieres ".

Around the White House, staff and subordinates complement the President as he models his fatwear.  "He wants to lose weight, but not to be called a loser." One staffer told embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter Dick Tickler. "But it's too late for that."




Sunday, July 2, 2017

HILLARY GETTING READY FOR 2020,SAYS SHE'S IN THE BEST SHAPE TO WIN

AFTER LOSING HER LAST BID FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE ELECTORIAL COLLEGE, BUT WINNING THE POPULAR VOTE, HILLARY IS TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH IN 2020......SHE'S AT THE GYM EVERY DAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

"A Vote for Me, Will Set You Free!"
Hillary Clinton had jaws dropping Saturday when she revealed her revamped body and her new Vote For HRC 2020 poster.  Even spouse and former President Bill Clinton was excited and couldn't keep from grinning.  "This is a new Hillary." Bill said.  "I don't know if its her hairdo or what, but there is something about her that can get you going!"

Hillary told OFF THE WALL news she's looking forward to running again and this time she can't wait to see what name Trump will come up for her.  "I think he'll find I'm not as stupid as he tried to make me out as."
When Trump saw the poster, he stammered, "They're fake, everybody knows that! I've been up close and personal, her whole body is fake!"  Privately he told Mitch McConnell, he hadn't been this nervous since he was caugh sneaking into Ivanka's bedroom.

Hillary will start campaigning at college campuses early next year. Time will tell how this all comes out.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THREE ARMED MAN IN SHOCK AFTER UNDERGOING PROCEDURE TO REMOVE AN ARM

A LOCAL MAN BORN WITH TWO LEFT AND ONE RIGHT ARM, ENTERED THE HOSPITAL TUESDAY TO  REMOVE THE LOWER LEFT ARM, BUT DUE TO A COMPUTER GLITCH, HIS RIGHT ARM WAS REMOVED BY ACCIDENT...HOSPITAL BLAMES ROBOT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A local man received good news and bad news Tuesday evening after having one of his three arms removed by robotic surgery at Bridgeport General.  The good news was that the operation had been a success followed by the bad news that the wrong arm had been removed.
Kenny Duet, signing papers for his procedure.

Kenny Duet, 35 entered B.G. Tuesday morning for what was to be an out patient procedure.  He was born with two left arms and always had hoped to get one of them removed when the technology advanced enough to allow  it.  Last month Bridgeport General notified Duet of their new robot surgeon,  nicknamed Truman, who had been able to surgically remove the stomach out of a gnat.

Duet came in to meet the robot on Fathers Day and sign the paperwork for the robotic surgery to take place.  The robot has been programmed not only to perform surgical procedures, but to also entertain children in the children's wing of the hospital.  Duet quickly bonded with Truman after witnessing the robot juggle scalpels in front of the children.
"Truman"

No one knows for sure how or why Duet's right arm was mistakenly removed and until a diagnostic procedure can be completed, Truman has been banned from the surgical floor and delegated to the kitchen to slice onions.
Duet's attorney told OFF THE WALL news his client would probably sue once he found out if they could sue a robot. 


Sunday, June 11, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REVERTS TO BUSINESSMAN TRUMP TO MARKET TRUMP MOUTHWASH

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS ARE SAYING TRUMP KNOWS THE END IS NEAR FOR HIS PRESIDENCY AND DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE A BAD TASTE IN ANYONE'S MOUTH SO HE IS MARKETING AN ADVANCED FORMULA MOUTHWASH......

WASHINGTON D.C.

Never one to miss an opportunity to make a dollar, President Trump is rolling out a new mouthwash, sons Donald Jr. and Eric introduced to rave reviews in Moscow six months ago. Trump Mouthwash should be hitting the shelves across America in the next few months. 
"It works, just ask Ivanka!"
1st daughter Ivanka gave a sly smile, when asked about the new product. "It was a whole new sensation for my mouth!" she told reporters. "It has a unique taste and leaves you breathless."
As Trump's popularity numbers continued to fall due to his manner of directing the government to be self-serving and with Russiagate hanging over him like a cloud, he directed his sons to do something.  With the help of big sister Ivanka as a silent partner, they developed a mouthwash that would get the so called bad taste of their father out of the public's mouth. The Trump brothers traveled to Russia in January of this year and began giving out free samples of "Trump Mouthwash."  It caught on and soon they couldn't keep up with demand.
Promises to relieve the sting of Trump.
OFF THE WALL news has learned there are also plans for an ointment  for those who feel like Trump has been a pain in the "ass".  Preparation T is in a test market somewhere in North Korea.
"It's all about the dollar!" Trump exclaimed. "I also hope to negotiate a deal with Vaseline in the coming weeks. It will be a slick deal, I can tell you that.  What a great country this is and I'm making it greater yet!"





Monday, June 5, 2017

TRUMP SHAVES HIS HEAD TO PROVE HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT WEANING HIMSELF FROM TWITTER

THE PRESIDENT SHOCKED HIS STAFF THIS MORNING WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND PROMISED TO WEAN HIMSELF FROM HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"I'm going to wean myself, I'll be the biggest weaner of all times."
After sending tweets boasting of his wavy hair to fifteen world leaders late Saturday night, Trump came to the realization that he was out of control and vowed to wean himself from tweeting.
"It takes a real man to wean himself," he told OFF THE WALL news, "and I'll show the world what a great big weaner I am!"
To show he meant business, he shaved his head and had his hair sent to a pet mortuary.

"Everyone knows how much I like my hair, I mean who wouldn't like it, but it had to be done.  Now little dead critters will have it."
Trump stood up and went to one of the large windows behind his desk before continuing. ."I've known many people who try to wean themselves from their bad habits and fail. But I am the chief weaner and when it's all over I'll be known as a Presidential weanee!"
Kellyanne praised him and rubbed his bald head before ushering the news media out of the oval office.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the President's hair grows back.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

BRIDGEPORT HEAT WAVE CAUSES RUSH TO CITY BEACH

CITY'S TWO FULL TIME LIFEGUARDS ARE BEING FORCED TO WORK OVERTIME, STRAINING THE CITY BUDGET AND CAUSING CITY GOVERNMENTAL LEADERS TO HAVE THEIR OWN HEAT WAVE OVER LIFEGUARD BODY MEASUREMENTS.............

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

No one expected 90 degree weather to hit Bridgeport on June 3rd, causing hundreds of swimmers looking to cool off.  The problem according to Mayor Ben Dover is the lifeguard shortage, now in its third year.  Swimmers still hit the beach this morning after being warned there would be only one lifeguard on duty.
Swimmers arrived in swarms as the temps rose in Bridgeport
Dover told his constituents, it would be cheaper to print up signs saying "Swim at your own risk, no lifeguard on duty", than hire lifeguards, but promised to begin interviewing lifeguard applicants as soon as Monday.
Dover's critics are saying he is dragging his feet, in part because of the type of lifeguards he is looking for.  Accusing the Mayor of being sexist for insisting the applications ask for bust size of all female applicants, city counsel members want to bring in an outside hiring specialist.
Meanwhile, the beach area is packed with swimmers.  Normally the beach has 50 to 70 swimmers at any given time.  Since early Saturday that number has swelled to between five hundred and a thousand.  To make room for everyone, swimmers are prohibited from sitting or lying on the beach and must stand when not in the water.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story throughout the Summer.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

TRUMP RE-CREATES HIS HISTORIC RISE IN WASHINGTON IN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

IN HIS ONGOING PURSUIT TO BE IN THE NEWS 24/7, TRUMP FULFILLS A CHILDHOOD DREAM  OF BEING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IN A MOVIE.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Ryan as Moe, Trump as Curly, and McConnell as Larry
Calling on son in law Jared Kushner to direct, Trump and company began shooting his adaption of "The Three Stooges in Washington", a comedic short film based on Trump's rise in Washington. In order to make the short film more memorable, he cast Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and himself as his favorite childhood heroes, the Three Stooges.
Ryan was viewed as relishing his part playing Moe, because he was able to continuously slap, poke, and jab Curly (Trump) and Larry (McConnell).  Trump, as Curly took the slaps and eye gouges in stride, slapping his own face over and over while shouting, "Woob, woob, woob, woob!"
Trump got the idea of making a film while late night movie binging Stooge movies with Kellyanne Conway.  As  The Three Stooges were new to Conway, Trump filled her in on his childhood heroes and how they had helped shape his life.
The next day Trump signed an order to have a Three Stooges movie script written about his rise in Washington D.C. and tapped Ryan and McConnell to co-star with him. Sources who have seen the complete film (22 minutes run time) say it is a gripping portrayal of Trump's rise.
Trump wanted it known that no animals were hurt or abused in the film, even though he portrays a horse's ass in one of the scenes.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will review the movie in a future news story.

Friday, June 2, 2017

AS FBI CLOSES IN ON RUSSIAN INTERFEARENCE IN U.S.,PUTIN INTRODUCES NEW MENS COLOGNE TO RUSSIA

IT NOW APPEARS THAT WITH THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE THE RUSSIAN CONNECTION TO TRUMP AND HIS SURROGATES, TRUMP INADVERTENTLY TWEETED ABOUT THE COLOGNE, CAUSING  PUTIN TO ACT..... 

 MOSCOW, RUSSIA

"Covfefe, so manly, it reeks of bromance!"

In a shocking follow-up to President Trump's late night tweet earlier in the week where Trump first used the word, Covfete, Putin today  released a new cologne in Russia called Covfete, featuring he and Trump on the label, shirtless, and riding horseback.

What many scholars thought was a type-o, turns out to be the name of Putin's new mens colonge, Covfefe, which in Russian folklore loosely means, back channel. 
There is much speculation to the context of "back channel" whereas the tag line on the label reads, "Covfefe, So Manly, It reeks of Bromance!" 
Foreign sources tell OFF THE WALL NEWS the new cologne was not to be released until September, but with a sleep deprived Trump at the tweet keyboard, the announcement came earlier than planned. As Trump usually does, to divert attention away from his faux pas, quickly announced to the world, he was taking the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.
"You have to be able to think on your feet." he boasted.  As for his relationship with Putin, he said, "We're still tight and the cologne is magnificent. I wear it all the time.  Even Ivanka likes the way I smell!"






Thursday, June 1, 2017

TRUMP SAYS ANSWER TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IN HIS HANDS

TRUMP BOWS OUT OF WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE ACCORD, SAYING ALL YOU NEED IS AN UMBRELLA TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL CLIMATE......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump introduces his Climate Change device.
Two hours after telling the world he is pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change, he introduced his answer to climate change.
"I am one of the smartest people on Earth and I will be saving the people in the United States more money than they thought possible." Trump told a small group of climate change deniers in the Rose Garden. "I will see that everyone that wants one, will get a personal climate change device.  It looks like an umbrella, but it's not."
White House sources told OFF THE WALL NEWS, Trump made a secret deal with the Chinese and bought a billion umbrellas at $3 a piece.  They are to keep the holder cool and dry.
This shocking news has both houses of congress up in arms with many, on both sides of the isle thinking Trump has gone over the edge this time. Who knows what will happen next.....

Monday, May 29, 2017

TRUMP NOT HAPPY WITH POPE, SAYS POPE WAS VERY UNFAIR TO HIM

TRUMP RETURNED HOME FROM HIS FIRST VISIT ABROAD A VERY UNHAPPY MAN, SAYING POPE FRANCES HAD DENIED HIM HIS REQUEST TO MAKE HIM A SAINT.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Pope explaining to Trump why he can't be a saint.
Sources on the plane home said Trump pouted and whined about his time at the Vatican and how the Pope had affected his mood at the G7 conference.
The source, who is close to the President told OFF THE WALL NEWS, the President had been looking forward to his meeting with Pope Frances because he wanted to ask for forgiveness for his grabbing women's private parts and bragging about it.  The source said after the two were introduced, Trump asked for forgiveness and promised the Pope he would never brag again.  At first the Pope's eyes fluttered and then when Trump asked to be made a Saint, his mouth dropped open.
Pope Frances took Trump aside and quietly told him the Heavenly Father  had other plans for him.  Trump's expression became very somber as he listened.  Trying to make Trump feel better Pope Frances gave the President a book he had written about climate change.  Trump feigned a smile and left the room clutching the Pope's book.
After leaving the Vatican on his way to the G7 summit, Trump vowed to drop out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.  "Frances knows what he can do with his book!" he could be heard shouting on Air Force One. "He is the most unfair Pope of all time!  He was so unfair to me!  I'd make the best Saint ever and everybody knows that! I don't even think he's really a Pope, he's fake!"
His anger and mood came through at the G7 summit, scolding the leaders of our allied countries about NATO payments and showing others who stands where when taking pictures.
The President planned to take Memorial Day off and locked himself in his room.
Who knows what this week will bring.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there digging for the truth.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

TRUMP SAYS IT NEVER HAPPENED AFTER BONG PHOTO IS LEAKED

WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS ARE ON SCRAMBLE ONCE AGAIN TO COVER UP POT SMOKING ALLEGATIONS IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AFTER PHOTO OF A GLASSY EYED PRESIDENT EXHALING SMOKE FROM A BONG WAS POSTED ON THE STONER SITE, "FRIED"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Reports say he wanted to hear some Black Sabbath

Things are heating up again even while the President is overseas.  On Monday a photo was leaked depicting President Trump exhaling a cloud of deep purple smoke from a glass bong.  The bong was said to have been a gift from Attorney General Jeff Sessions, even though the source close to this story, reported Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was the one that gave it to him.  The story as reported by our embedded reporter, developed as follows.
In what was to be a top secret meeting last week, Trump called  Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, and Paul Ryan into the oval office to discuss new anti-drug laws written by Attorney General Sessions. Sessions brought with him various pictures of drug paraphernalia to show the evilness available on the streets. As Trump studied the pictures in awe, Ryan winked at Kellyanne and opened a small box and presented it to Trump. Inside the box was a real bong, made of glass and fully loaded.  Kellyanne and Steve Bannon couldn't hold back huge smiles, while Jeff Sessions sat dumbfounded with his hands over his eyes. Trump asked how it worked and gave Sean Spicer a directive to show him how.  Spicer fumbled with a cigar lighter and with his second try, got the bong to fill with smoke before allowing it to disappear into his mouth.  Trump asked him what it was like, but Spicer could only sit and smile.  Before anyone could stop him, Trump took the bong and he himself fired it up.  The secret meeting was adjourned just after midnight when Vice President Pence was called to order some pizza.  Pence arrived a little later with the pizzas and began the cover up. 
When Trump was asked about the secret meeting in the morning, he denied one ever took place.

Monday, May 22, 2017

MAN EXPERIMENTING WITH FLAVORS TAPS INTO FOOD MARKETING BANANZA

GET READY FOR WHISKEY FLAVORED KETCHUP, JALAPENO CREAM PIE, AND MAPLE NUT MUSTARD JUST TO NAME OF FEW OF THE NEW ITEMS COMING SOON TO YOUR TASTE BUDS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Nuthatch meditates for flavors
According to Melvin Nuthatch of Bridgeport, you can say goodbye to boring foods. Nuthatch, 50, plans to open Food Moods, an online grocery emporium full of old foods with new tastes.  "The mood of food is about to change!" he told OFF THE WALL NEWS as he chomped on a huge dill pickle coated with cinnamon paste.  "What the Beatles did for music, I'm doing for food!"
Nuthatch has been experimenting with new flavors ever since falling out of a tree at the age of 45  and losing his sense of taste. An avid  food eater before his fall, he says he woke up craving an ice cream sundae covered with chopped onions, pickle relish, and chocolate syrup. Unable to order such a sundae at his local dairy quick, he purchased the ingredients at the grocery store and has not looked back.
What's in store for those willing to assault their sense of taste?  Nuthatch wouldn't divulge too much, but did have a few samples ready for this reporter.  I was blindfolded and taken to Nuthatch's test kitchen where I was introduced to the following:  Burnt toast flavored pudding,  pickled asparagus in strawberry maple syrup,  pancakes smothered with ketchup, and long johns infused with jalapeno mustard. Each item was accompanied with hot thistle tea.  As I  am dieting, I was unable to try any of the tempting new flavors, but plan to at a future date.
Nuthatch hopes to have his web site Food Moods up and running by this time next week.  Until then he says, "We will have to remain bored with our food."



Sunday, May 21, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO MOVE WHITE HOUSE TO SAUDI ARABIA

NOT BEING TREATED LIKE ROYALTY IS WHAT IS MISSING IN AMERICAN POLITICS TRUMP TOLD VP PENCE, AS THEY TOURED ONE OF TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES IN SAUDI ARABIA......

SAUDI ARABIA

Trump was feeling royal showing Pence around the golf course
A day after President Trump's royal welcome to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, Trump sent Melania home and had Mike Pence flown in to get a feel for what it's like to be totally respected by the "common folks."  Trump had Pence fly in on a commercial liner to, "save the taxpayer's money".  Pence arrived looking exhausted, but after a quick shower at the airport was gun ho to meet with his boss.

Pence, dressed smartly in a business suit, looked somewhat out of place next to Trump, who came driving up on a gold plated golf cart dressed in the Arabian traditional dress called a thawb.  Trump told Pence it was OK to loosen his tie, but he was unable to, explaining that the tie was a clip-on.  The two men rode off, with the secret service in tow.
After touring the golf course, Trump held an impromptu press conference, Arabian style.  All questions were questions of his own choosing.  The first question was how he liked Saudi Arabia?
"I couldn't like it more and I think my vice president will agree, by the way, did you know Vice President Pence was here?  Take a bow Mike."
Pence stood up blushing and gave a quick nod.  Trump continued, "As I was saying, I like it here, we both like it here and I want to thank King Salman for the warm welcome!  Mike and I were just discussing moving the White House over here.  A lot of people have told me, they like my ideas, so this is a good one."  A reporter shouted out and asked how he liked wearing a thawb, to which he smiled and replied, "Good guys wear white, right?  I mean, who couldn't score with the ladies wearing these kimonos , right Mike?"  Pence appeared to melt as his face turned bright red.  Trump laughed, "I'm just joking.  I am a pretty good joker you know.  Mike's wife is very fussy about who Mike eats with, no women allowed!  If you're listening Karen, I'm just joking.  I'm a joker.  I'll see that Mike eats alone, in fact we're headed for Israel next and he's entered in a baby back ribs eating contest!  Should be fun."   OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be along for the ride.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

TRUMP THOUGHT WATERGATE WAS A GATE THAT HELD BACK WATER

AFTER THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE HIS COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA, TRUMP ASKED TO BE BRIEFED ON WATERGATE AND WHAT IT HAD TO DO WITH RUSSIA....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"Why are they doing this to me?"
With all the breaking news today, Trump's aides at the White House spent most of the day on Google, gathering information on the Watergate scandal.  Trump was busy trying on hairpieces for his up coming official trip at the end of this week, when he was told that a special prosecutor  had been appointed to investigate him.  According to a source embedded in the White House, Trump's first question was, "How do I look in flaming red curls?"  He then frowned and stuck his bottom lip out as if pouting. "Why are they doing this to me?  It's just not fair!"
Kellyanne Conway was the first aide to comfort him.  "It's alright, Mr. President.  They can't compare this to Watergate, Nixon is dead and besides you look great in curls."
Trump admitted he didn't know too much about Nixon or the Watergate scandal that brought him down.  "I was told by some very intelligent people that Watergate was a huge gate that held water back and now I'm learning it was really about a cover up.  I wish they would get their story straight."
Trump was ushered out of the oval office, in case there were still tape machines left over from Nixon's day.  In the hallway he asked an OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter what Watergate had to do with Russia.  "I think they are all confused! Watergate was made up news, I'll bet my presidency on it!"  With that he was whisked away to a safe room.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.....



Monday, May 15, 2017

TRUMP'S SECOND TV PILOT HAS BEEN LEAKED TO THE PUBLIC

MEANT TO BE A SURPRISE, TRUMP'S REMAKING OF LOST IN SPACE HAS BEEN OUTED BY THE  RUSSIAN MAFIA........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The cast of Trump's latest TV sitcom.
The President went into a fit of rage this morning when he learned his latest new TV sitcom project had been leaked by the Russian Mafia.  His co-star and co-producer, Vladimir Putin denied any blame of the leak and said he would have the guilty party thrown from a window.
The TV pilot, loosely based on the 1965 hit television show Lost in Space, has just finished shooting the first episode and brings together some of Trump's friends as well as his daughter, recreating the rolls made great by now retired or already deceased stars.
Trump, saying he looked too old to play Professor Robinson, is playing the roll of young Will Robinson. ("He was such a smart kid")  He offered the lead roll of Professor Robinson to his Russian counterpart, Vladimire Putin, who accepted wholeheartedly. Playing Dr. Maureen Robinson is Trump groupie Kellyanne Conway, who said she loved being young Will's mother. (Critics are saying she is almost sleazy) The prized part of Dr. Zachary Smith is being played by Mitch McConnell, who said the roll was a "hoot" because "I didn't have to act any different than I am". Rounding out the cast of lost space travelers is Ivanka Trump, Paul Ryan, and playing a strong female to show his strengths is Steve Bannon.  The voice of the robot is that of Mike Pence. (He said he loved being robotic.)
Trump told OFF THE WALL NEWS he had hoped to premier this show in the Fall, but now that it has been outed, he may move that date to late Spring.  Be sure to check your TV listings.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

TRUMP RETURNS TO TELEVISION IN NEW SERIES

LONGING FOR THE DAYS WHEN HE RECEIVED HIGHER RATINGS ON T.V., TRUMP ROLLS OUT NEW SITCOM BASED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessons, Ivanka, Kellyanne, Rosie, Pence, and Spicer join Trump
In the end Donald Trump missed being on television in a weekly series so much, he signed a presidential decree that put into a motion a new sitcom, making him the star.  Based loosely on the old Gilligan's Island sitcom, Trump and his "crew mates" are stranded at Mara Lago and follow Trump in his roll as Skipper, as he creates at least one new "ship wreck" each episode.

OFF THE WALL NEWS  was at the first shooting of the first episode where Trump rescues Mike Pence from being slapped by Rosie O'Donnell.  Trump as the deal maker, gets them to kiss and make up.  "This is good television, really good, lots of people are telling me this is Emmy type stuff." Trump told a group of Chinese tourists who were lost.
Trump wanted to produce a good drama show, but it has turned into a comedy and will most likely be dropped before the season is over. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

BONELESS CHICKEN CONTROVERSY LANDS IN COURT

LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER WANTING TO CASH IN ON THE BONELESS CHICKEN CRAZE OPENED TWO ROADSIDE STANDS ADVERTISING "NATURAL" BONELESS CHICKEN BEFORE BEING CLOSED FOR FALSE ADVERTISING .........

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


According to Y.R. Coop, 56, of rural Bridgeport, business was boiling hot before Sheriff Rol Ova drove on to Coop's farmstead Friday with a stop and desist order.  Sheriff Ova told reporters he was only doing his job making Coop stop selling his "boneless" chicken after a local court ordered him to do so.
"Humpty Plump", Minnesota's largest chicken breeder and producer of Humpty Plump Boneless Chicken (like) Pieces, cried "foul" when they learned of Coop's enterprise and filed a decree in court, saying Coop was confusing it's customers.  Plump's attorney, Chris P. Bacon told the court, the Coop claim that he was selling boneless chicken was a ploy to sell eggs.  Coop, who defended himself, told the court, Humpty Plump could not prove there was not a boneless chicken in each "natural" container.
"This is a shell game!" protested Bacon, "And Plump plans to crack this game wide open." To which Coop loudly replied, "Your Honor, Mr. Bacon is proving himself a basket case!"
Judge Sol T. Hamm ordered a recess to allow the court participants to cool off and so he could study the definition of boneless chicken.  Judge Hamm if you recall, was also the active judge on the buffalo wings ruling last year, where it was proved without doubt, buffalo did not have wings.
In the current case, Judge Hamm promised to have a ruling in a dozen days.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

BILL O'REILLY'S FIRING COINCIDES WITH HIS NEW BOOK RELEASE

BILL O'REILLY'S  NEW BOOK, PHONE FUN, (THINGS TO DO WHILE TALKING TO THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS)  WAS RELEASED ONE DAY AFTER HIS FIRING FROM FOX NEWS FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.....

NEW YORK, N.Y.


It has been said, when it rains it pours and such was the case this week for Fox New's  Bill O'Reilly.  He was fired on Wednesday for what is being called sexual harassment in the work place. O'Reilly dismissed it by making a statement to OFF THE WALL NEWS that said, "Can't a guy have fun anymore? I just wanted to make some of those fat and ugly things in the office, feel good. I'm sure not one of them had ever been out on a date before."
Ironically, the day after his departure from Fox, his latest book, PHONE FUN, (Things to do while talking to the woman of your dreams), was released.  The original title was KILLING TIME ON THE PHONE, but was shortened so O'Reilly's face wouldn't be covered  up with print.
The book is full of drawings and doodles of nude women, drawn by O'Reilly when he was in high school and is a tell-all about masturbating while talking with nun on the phone.

Some are saying the firing may all be a hoax to promote the book. Fox representatives denied that saying they had paid out millions in hush money and were losing even more in ad revenue.
O'Reilly's close friend and confidant, Donald Trump was appalled that O'Reilly was fired.  "This is an outrage! He should have never been fired for complementing women like that. Sad, very sad.  I do look forward to his book though, I hear it's a page turner."  Trump then had a personal message for O'Reilly,  "Good luck Bill, keep your chin up, I may have a job for you running the phones at the White House."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will keep close tabs on these developments.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

TRUMP UNLEASHES SECOND M.O.A.B. AS SHOW OF FORCE FOR KIM JUNG UN

HOPING TO STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEART OF KIM JUNG UN, TRUMP SENT PENCE TO SOUTH KOREA DRESSED AS A  M.O.A.B. (MOTHER OF ALL BEASTS).....

WASHINGTON D.C.

Mrs. Pence gave permission for Pence to travel alone as long as he dined alone.
The accompanying picture of Vice President Mike Pence arrived in South Korea one day before he did, creating an atmosphere of confusion and giddiness among Taekwondo fans in Seoul.   The picture, nicknamed "The Force" was intended to appease the South Koreans while striking fear into the ruling dynasty of Kim Jung Un in the North. 
Trump and  Pence spent last weekend at Mar-a-Lago where Trump had Pence fitted into a Martial Arts costume and had him pose in various stances that would promote fear in the North Koreans.
 In a private interview, as Trump watched female joggers in the park near the White House he said, "I'm sending in 'The Force',  Mike is going in as the Mother of all Beasts and will kick some serious ass!"  He then pointed out the window, "Speaking of serious ass, will you look at that!!"  He quickly signaled for an aid to get him his binoculars and we were ushered out of the room.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany Pence to South Korea and report any results he may achieve as the M.O.A.B.  As a footnote, it was also leaked that he will be taking along copies of his wedding pictures to show to any women that may approach him.

Friday, April 7, 2017

TRUMP DIVINITY CLAIMS CAUSING ALARM IN VATICAN CITY

TRUMP CLAIMS THAT EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME HE WAKES UP WITH ACHING HANDS AND FOR A BRIEF TIME OLD STITCHES ARE VISIBLE, MAKING HIM BELIEVE HE IS THE DIVINE ONE.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fake or not?
Pope Francis received a tweet late Saturday night from President Trump at his Mar Largo retreat, with an attachment of a picture, Trump claimed to be his hands.
The Pontiff was quick to put down the tweet as fake news.
"The hands in this picture are those of a young or a very small man.  Our Savor was neither." he told a roomful of faithful underlings.
He sent an envoy to New York to dispel Trump's claims.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany the envoy and report the findings.  Early suspicions are that the hands in the picture are really Kellyanne Conway's, holding tiny beads.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

TRUMP CREATING JOBS AS PROMISED

TO QUICKLY MOVE FORWARD AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE, TRUMP  HAS CREATED NEW JOBS IN THE WHITE HOUSE  FOR HIS SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER AND DAUGHTER IVANKA,  THERE ARE MORE JOBS TO COME.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Hoping to bounce back from defeat of his first major bill, the repeal and replacement of Obamacare, President Trump has moved to unveil his jobs creation bill. Son-in-law Jared was given the title of "Commandant" and will be overseeing everything in the White House, including the dinner menus.  His office will be in the West Wing and he will have a staff of "newbies" to run things when he and family are out of town on ski weekends.
Trump moves in front of Jared for photo
Ivanka, whom her brothers say knows Daddy best, was also given an office in the West Wing and   the unofficial title of "DG". (Daddy's Girl?) She will be Trump's eyes and ears in the White House to help keep tract of who says and does what. Both Jared and Ivanka will have Secret Clearances and their own Facebook accounts.
Trump is also creating a new position in the White House for son Baron. 
"I want to know what the nation's kids are thinking and who better than my son Baron can I trust to keep me abreast of what is going on?  He will have his own office and staff and I'm looking for very good things to come of it. I mean who knows kids better than kids, right?"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be following the workings of the inner circle at the White House closely and follow it until it all comes tumbling down.


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

TRUMP REVEALS NEW OVAL OFFICE PAINTING

HOPING TO APPEASE DEMOCRATS BEFORE THE UPCOMING SUPREME COURT GORSUCH VOTE, TRUMP HANGS PAINTING OF OBAMA ON OVAL OFFICE WALL AS VICE PRESIDENT PENCE NODS AND NODS HIS HEAD IN APPROVAL.......

WASHINGTON D.C.

The oval office took on a new look this morning as a huge painting of former President Barack Obama was placed on the wall, close to Trump's desk.  Vice President Pence was asked by Trump what he thought and Pence grinned while doing his best bobble head impression.
"I'm very bipartisan, believe me." Trump told the photographer "And so is Mike
The White House photographer was summoned to snap a picture for the archives and was asked by Trump, "Are you sure you have color film in that camera?"
Not sure if the President was serious or not, the photographer smiled and told the President it was a digital camera and there wasn't any film involved.  Trump suppressed a vague expression, before looking at Pence and then looking back to the photographer, "I knew that, I was just making a joke. I want people to know just how funny I am."
Mike Pence,  his head bobbing again and not knowing what to do with his hands,  stood  looking at the back of Trump's head and did his best to look official.  Once the photo shoot was finished and the photographer was gone, Trump had the painting removed and replaced it with one of  Ivanka wearing a bikini.
OFF THE WALL NEWS has a reporter embedded in the White House who works 24/7 to bring these reports.

Monday, March 27, 2017

TRUMP AND RYAN RECONCILE AFTER HEALTH CARE DEFEAT

LEAKED DASH CAM PICTURE OF TRUMP AND RYAN SHOWS THE TWO LETTING OFF STEAM AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE LAST FRIDAY.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Leaked dash cam photo shows Trump and Ryan are buds
Just hours after Ryan and Trump decided to skip the House vote on repealing Obamacare, many thought President Trump would blame Speaker Ryan for the failure.  As it turned out, it appeared the two men were having a bromance as they were secretly scurried out of Washington to an undisclosed location where Ryan had a vehicle stored.  The two spent the next few hours alone cruising the streets and experimenting with what looked like in a dash cam photo,  a recreational drug.
The White House told OFF THE WALL NEWS there was never any danger to anyone as the roads Ryan drove on were blocked to civilian traffic and the Secret Service followed close behind.



DEBT HELPERS OF AMERICA FILES FOR CHAPTER 11

THE LARGEST DEBT COMPANY IN AMERICA HAS FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY AFTER BEING SUED IN A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT,  CEO CLAIMS NOTHING IS WRONG.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Debt Helpers of America (DHOA), the company whose TV ads promised help in obtaining huge debt fast, is out of business as of 12:01 a.m. this morning.  DHOA CEO, Darrel Dicks has filed a counter suit and says his company is all above board.
Wanda Rount and some of the items that put her into debt
The plaintiff who started the class action lawsuit and whose name is on the lawsuit is Wanda Rount, 36, of Bridgeport. She claims DHOA helped her accumulate massive debt by selling her hundreds of items she didn't need.

DHOA, in a tweet to OFF THE WALL NEWS claims Ms. Rount signed an agreement to purchase literally hundreds of items from DHOA business clients. "We fulfilled our promise to help Ms. Rount accumulate debt."

OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a partial list of some of the items Ms. Rounts purchased.  On that list are items such as three 60" flat screen TVs, two bird baths, numerous garden tools, 57 lawn chairs, and 6 pair or roller skates. From Zip's Lawn Service, she purchased a garden tractor, a plow, and ten miles of fencing. The list goes on and on.  "I'll never get out of debt!" she cried to the judge, "Not unless I win this lawsuit."
As long as DHOA has Chapter 11 protection, people like Wanda Rount, will have to deal with their debt. Ms. Rount plans to have a yard sale next weekend and hopes to recoup some of her lost bank account.
If you too think you have been duped by DHOA call 1-800-DUM-BASS and leave your name and number.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

NEW LOOK FOR OFF THE WALL NEWS HAS READERS EXCITED

SAYING IT IS A BOLD LOOK FORWARD, MANAGING EDITOR AND LEAD REPORTER DAVE TAYLOR IS STAKING HIS DINNER THAT THE NEW LOOK OF OFF THE WALL NEWS, WILL BE A YUGE SUCCESS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

It is not often that a major news organization such as OFF THE WALL NEWS changes the look of its front page, but after much consideration and the help of recreational drugs, the decision was made. Managing Editor and Lead Reporter, Dave Taylor told stock holders he made the decision late last night after the ideas he was having turned into a blurred image.

Dave Taylor waited for a vision
Taylor said the idea to revamp the front page came about after reading  headlines about the Pope on news magazines in a grocery store check out line. "We can do better", he told a customer behind him, "I know the Pope personally." and he immediately began thinking about such a change.

He welcomes any comments and will respond to them time permitting.
As of this printing he and his crack team of reporters are scouring the news wires for the news that others look away from, the news that makes OFF THE WALL NEWS the news to live by, no matter how it is packaged.  Will the Pope marry his grade school sweetheart?  If it happens, you'll read the back story here first....and you can take that to the bank!