Thursday, November 30, 2017

SANTA IS LATEST TO BE ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT AFTER EXPOSING HIMSELF

SANTA HAS BEEN BANNED FROM THIS YEARS CHRISTMAS PARADE AFTER A PICTURE MYSTERIOUSLY SURFACED SHOWING HIM EXPOSING HIMSELF NEXT TO THE CHRISTMAS TREE.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Santa exposing himself in front of the tree.
As the tide of sexual misdeeds continues to fill the national headlines, it appears no one can be sure of who will be exposed next. (No pun intended). 
From Hollywood movie stars, to politicians, to news anchors, the list goes on and on, much like the EverReady Bunny.

Today's breaking news of Santa exposing himself in front of a Christmas tree, is causing some Santa Claus believers to second guess their beliefs.
One told OFF THE WALL news, "I mean, getting caught kissing Momma under the mistletoe is one thing, but this is quite another! I only hope there were no kids in the room." 

When reached at the North Pole for comment, Claus appeared shocked and confused, "Huh?  I don't recall any such incident, but admit to not wearing my belt tightly enough sometimes." 
No one is sure who submitted the photo, but the White House said plans are in the works to alter Christmas to make it a safer holiday. All life sized Santa Clauses will be made of cardboard and made to stand next to an artificial tree. Deluxe Santa cut outs will come equipped with a recorded "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

Santa apologizes to all offended, regrets this uproar, and looks forward to saner days ahead.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

HOME DNA TEST REVEALS TRUMP RELATED TO BOTH PUTIN AND KIM JONG UN

TRUMP IS SAID TO BE REELING AFTER LEARNING THROUGH A HOME DNA TESTING KIT THAT HE SHARES THE SAME DNA AS VLADIMIR PUTIN AND KIM JONG UN....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

President Trump turned what for him was a boring Thanksgiving weekend, into a proof finding mission.  While sitting awake in the middle of the night on Friday, he summoned staffers to bring him the home DNA testing kit he had ordered online earlier in the week.
DNA tests reveals explosive results
After having a staffer read him the DNA testing instructions, he began swabbing his mouth and collecting DNA samples.

Staffers speaking off the record, told OFF THE WALL news, initially Trump had ordered what he thought was a stamina testing kit, hoping to prove his virility to daughter Ivanka. After learning and gaining a better understanding of what the DNA test was about, he decided to go ahead with the procedure anyway.

Needless to say, he was shocked when he learned of his ancestral connection with his two world adversaries.  The test revealed that the three men all shared the same great, great, great, grandmother, who had traveled the world spending time with various men and boys.
 
Putin and Jong Un upon learning of the test, took the news very differently.  Kim Jong Un immediately had his mother and grandmother executed by a guided missile, while Putin winked and smiled.  "He is my brother from a different mother!"

Trump has still not decided whether to believe the test or claim it is fake. OFF THE WALL news will be there when he makes his decision and tweets about it.
As for his proof of virility at age 71 and Ivanka, that will remain a family secret.



Saturday, November 25, 2017

NAMING THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY MADE IT EASIER FOR TRUMP TO PARDON

INSIDERS SAY TRUMP WAS AFRAID THAT PARDONING A TURKEY WOULD MAKE HIM APPEAR WEAK TO HIS OPPONENTS, BUT AGREED TO DO SO AFTER IVANKA SUGGESTED NAMING THE TURKEY, JARED.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

White House Turkey was named Jared before being pardoned
President Trump was having second thoughts about pardoning the White House turkey this week, telling those in his cabinet he didn't want to appear un-macho to North Korea's Kim Jung Un or Iranian President Hassan Rouhani . 

He asked if maybe he shouldn't publicly torture the bird as he scowled into the camera, but that was before first daughter Ivanka suggested naming the meek turkey, Jared.  
A smile came across Trump's face as the tension drained away. "Bring me the turkey, I mean, Jared!" he said with a laugh. "But let's not let the liberal media in on this just yet."
Ten minutes later the Trump family as well as cameras and reporters from around the world, witnessed Trump pardon his first Thanksgiving turkey. 
OFF THE WALL news was given the exclusive behind the scenes story of pardoning  the turkey named Jared.  As the President pardoned the turkey, Jared squeezed Ivanka's hand and said softly into her ear, "I hope we can get your dad to do this again in the future."
OFF THE WALL news will be there if and when it happens.....




 

Thursday, November 23, 2017

BRIDGEPORT CITY OFFICIALS CANCEL THANKSGIVING BALL OVER NON ACCUSASIONS

ENDING YEARS OF TRADITION, THE ANNUAL BRIDGEPORT THANKSGIVING DANCE IS BEING CANCELED TONIGHT, AFTER CITY CLERK FILES A CLAIM THAT SHE WAS THE ONLY CITY OFFICIAL NOT SEXUALLY HARASSED AT LAST YEAR'S PARTY......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

In an odd twist of the current "Me Too" coming out movement against sexual harassment, city clerk, Beth Ann Bazoos filed an anti-fairness claim, in which she says she was the only female clerk at last year's Thanksgiving ball that wasn't sexually harassed.  OFF THE WALL news was able to interview Bazoos and got the following story.
Ms. Bazoos chose to have herself disguised in this photo






"After last year's dance, my co-workers, Sally B. and Erma D. both told me they had been stared at, bumped into, and held on to for too long during the hugging contest. All this time not one move was made toward me and I was offended, especially after what I had gone through, proving my body was real. It wasn't until the Me Too movement that I decided to come forward.  Now believe me, I don't want anyone to be sexually harassed, including myself, but this is about fairness.  I deserve to be noticed."

Last year Ms. Bazoos, a former pole dancer, went through a series of medical testing to prove that her body was 100% real. Soon after, she received a Proof of Realness plaque by the former Mayor,  Ben Dover.  She was hired by the city not long after that and put in charge of the city pumping station. 



Tuesday, November 21, 2017

TRUMP LEANING TOWARDS SUPPORT FOR ROY MOORE

AFTER STUDYING PICTURES OF MOORE'S ACCUSERS, TRUMP SAYS HE SEES NO REASON WHY MOORE WOULD ATTEMPT ANYTHING WITH ANY OF THEM.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump shows Moore how a pardon works as Ivanka scowls
In a hastily organized press conference after pardoning the White House turkey, President Trump broke his silence on the Roy Moore affair.  "I can't believe Judge Roy Moore is remotely guilty of any of the accusations that are being made against him." Trump said.  He then invited the Judge up to the table where the White House turkey was still perched after receiving  the annual pardon by the President.

"Judge, not long ago I pardoned a sheriff in Arizona and today I pardoned this here turkey.  I'm getting good at pardoning, don't you think?"  Moore winked at the President and broke into a broad grin.  Ivanka, did not find the insinuating remarks by her father that amusing.
Moore then placed his hand on the breast of the turkey and remarked, "Oh my, this IS a young one, you're mighty lucky, Mr. President!"
Don Jr., standing behind Moore, couldn't help but snicker.  Trump reached out and answered Moore, "Yes, this bird likes what I've done for it, I can grab it wherever I want."
Ivanka had enough of her fathers "locker room talk" and stormed away from the gathering.
OFF THE WALL news, will follow this story to it's conclusion.

Monday, November 20, 2017

TRUMP JR. SHOOTS THANKSGIVING TURKEY BEFORE TRUMP SR. CAN PARDON IT

SAYING HE WAS WITHIN HIS RIGHTS, DON JR. SNUCK UP ON THE ENCLOSURE HOLDING THE NATIONAL THANKSGIVING TURKEY AND SHOT IT BEFORE HIS FATHER COULD GIVE THE TURKEY THE TRADITIONAL PARDON....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

After hearing shots fired early this morning, federal agents surrounded the wild animal enclosure on the White House lawn and were surprised to find Donald Trump Jr. posing with a dead turkey.  "Hey, back off guys!" he yelled. "This gobbler was fair game and trying to get away. I was able to get it before it flew."
"It was fair game!"
When it was explained to Trump Jr. that the bird was to be pardoned by his father later in the day, as part of a traditional Thanksgiving gesture done yearly, Trump Jr. smirked and replied, "Yeah? Well it's too late for this bird.  I'm licensed to hunt and this was fair game. This trophy is mine!"

When the President was notified of the mix-up, he waved his hand and said, "I pardon this turkey posthumously and I'll see to it that it gets to the White House chef.  I'll make sure the bird gets on my table and is eaten.  If people would hunt more, just think how we could cut world hunger.  Donald Jr. is under appreciated and he should be commended for his actions."

White House officials are frantically searching for a replacement turkey for the pardoning ceremony and hopefully Jr. will be too busy to do any more hunting this holiday week.   





Tuesday, November 14, 2017

JUDGE ROY MOORE FIGHTS BACK AGAINST ACCUSATIONS

JUDGE SPEAKS AT A GATHERING OF HIS FAITHFUL SUPPORTERS TO INFORM AND THANK THEM AFTER FIFTH ACCUSER COMES FORWARD......

SWEET HOME, AL.

Tuesday morning found Judge Roy Moore making the rounds and as he called it, "Preaching the Truth!" The truth he was talking about, was his take on the accusations against him of sexual contacts with persons of the tender age of fourteen and now a fifth accuser who was 16 at the time.
"This is that hard thing they felt!"

"I swear I don't remember ever being with that sweet young 14 year old girl, but if I was, she lied about her age," Moore told a small delegation gathered at his campaign headquarters. "And if the latest accuser says I hung around the restaurant she worked in, that also is a blatant lie! The food served there was terrible!" 
As more and more of his fellow Republicans disassociate themselves with his campaign, Moore vows to continue his fight. At his last rally last night, he entertained supporters by showing them his quick draw moves with his silver plated pistol. Holding the gun in the air he shouted, "This is that hard thing those accusers were really feeling. I've kept this in my pocket ever since I was a boy! This is my right under the second amendment!
Moore was then helped off the stage and into a waiting pick-up truck to head to his next self described, "I Wouldn't Lie to You" rally in Birmingham. OFF THE WALL news will be following this story as long as need be.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

DON JR. AND IVANKA ELUDE SECRET SERVICE AND DISAPPEAR IN WHITE HOUSE FOR HALF HOUR

DON JR. AND IVANKA CAUSED THE SECRET SERVICE  TO PANIC WHEN THEY DISAPPEARED AT A WHITE HOUSE GALA LAST WEEK. A PICTURE OF THE COUPLE TAKEN BEFORE THE DISAPPEARANCE CAUGHT JR. AND IVANKA IN A PLAYFUL MOOD......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

As much as they try not to, the Trump family often put themselves on display and into public scrutiny. Last week as the President readied for his trip to Asia, his two oldest children attended a Guns for Fun fund raiser at the White House. 
The mirror was removed from the wall the next day.
The two met with campaign donors and posed for pictures, selling many of them to "Trump Groupies" who were kept in the hallway.  One such picture ended up at OFF THE WALL news headquarters and shows Don Jr. and Ivanka moments before they eluded their Secret Service detachment and disappeared down a dark hallway. 

The two reappeared thirty minutes later, bringing a end to the red alert that had been posted on the White House security radio.  Neither seemed the worse for wear and the incident was forgotten until the picture of the disappearing brother & sister was posted on social media, the next day.  OFF THE WALL news reporters revisited the White House to inquire about the photo and found that the mirror in the picture had been removed from the wall by Presidential order.



Tuesday, November 7, 2017

NUN SUES DRUG COMPANY AFTER BECOMING ADDICTED TO PLACEBO

STRAWBERRY PHARMACEUTICAL CO. IS BEING CHARGED WITH UNLAWFUL DISTRIBUTION OF A PLACEBO AFTER LOCAL NUN BECOMES ADDICTED DURING COMPANY DRUG TRIAL......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Sister Mary Alice Partee, of the Bridgeport Church of the Sacred Secret was back in court yesterday, hoping to call out Strawberry Pharmaceutical for addicting her to Wextinal PMZ, a potent anti laxative drug. Sister Partee was part of a double blind drug test in which she received a three times a day placebo.

Sister Partee, addicted to placebos and looking like Huckabee
In the case, Partee claims she became addicted to the placebo and must take it daily, which increases her weight, causing church parishioners to mistake her for Sara Huckabee Sanders.
Strawberry Pharma denies Partee's claim and says Partee, an admitted laxative addict who uses over the counter laxatives for weight control, continued using over the counter laxatives while taking the Wextinal PMZ placebo.

Lawyers for the plaintiff say Sister Mary Alice has been fighting weight gain since winning a pizza eating contest at age 15.  After entering the convent at age 18, she discovered over the counter laxatives and began secretly using them to help control her weight gains.  Last May she realized one problem had morphed into another and wanted to break the laxative habit. After reading a poster about the double blind anti-laxative test, she volunteered.
As attorneys for Strawberry Pharmaceuticals claimed Sister Mary Alice had been taking the over the counter drugs with the Wextinal PMZ placebo, a scientific research team working for the plaintiff, discovered the placebo's main ingredient was made of pepperoni and sausage pizza, with extra cheese.
The jury was still out as of this writing.

Monday, November 6, 2017

TRUMP CAUGHT MAKING OFF COLORED REMARK DURING HAWAII LAYOVER

AS TRUMP AND THE FIRST LADY ARRIVED IN HONOLULU HE ACCEPTED A FRESH FLOWER LEI WELCOME, TO WHICH HE QUIPPED, "I GET LAID EVERYWHERE I GO!"  THE FIRST LADY WAS LIVID.......

HONOLULU, HI....

First Lady Melania did not like Trump's comment
President Trump thought the microphones were off as he and First Lady Melania disembarked from Air Force One in Hawaii, while beginning his 12 day Asian tour.
Two young Hawaiian women in grass skirts, approached both the President and First Lady with hand made flower leis. 
Trump at first began patting his hair before smiling at the young woman as she put the lei around his neck. Forgetting that he was wearing a microphone, he told her, "I get laid everywhere I go."
His comment came through the ear pieces of his security team as well as that of the First Lady's.

The First Lady's face flushed and became hard as stone as she quickened her pace ahead of the President.
Trump realizing what had happened quickly declared, "Hey wait, I was joking!  Everyone knows I'm a big joker.  I'm a funny guy, ask that TMZ guy that was on the bus, Billy Bush." 

Melania increased her pace, creating more of a distance between the two of them while Trump made another plea.  "Hey Mel, she was a little too Asian looking for me, you know, too foreign looking." 
Trump then began waving at a few negative sign waving greeters at the airport before getting into his waiting limo.

Trump was able to stay out of trouble after that incident until he visited the Pearl Harbor memorial.  As he placed a wreath at the marker over the sunken battleship Arizona, he said to the delegation that accompanied him,  "I bet you could sell a lot of pineapples out here. I'd put up a pineapple stand and sell every tourist some fresh pineapple." 
The statement brought about a hush and Trump boarded his presidential skiff back to shore. "I just wanted to lighten the mood."  he told reporters on the skiff. "I'm the most understood President in history. Be sure and report that."






Friday, November 3, 2017

YAWNING CHAMPION CROWNED AFTER JUDGES FALL ASLEEP

LOCAL MAN YAWNS HIS WAY INTO FIRST PLACE, CAUSING PANEL OF JUDGES TO NOD OFF....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Yawning Judges, Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod
Clare Voyant, 50, of Bridgeport won the National Yawning Championship tonight, causing the competition's three most prestigious judges to fall into what appeared to be a deep slumber.
Voyant had been one of two finalist in the competition and took the stage just after 8 P.M.  He immediately began yawning while showing pictures of his trip to an Iowa petting farm. The pictures showed him yawning while petting various farm animals. At 8:40 P.M. he closed his eyes and yawned  and stretched for six full minutes while Asian string musicians began playing music of the their homeland. Then as the music played, Voyant began showing photos on a huge screen of the 2903 graves in his hometown graveyard. In between yawns, he read the names on the tombstones and the date they died.  By 9:03 P.M. two of the judges were nodding uncontrollably, while the third judge sat chin to chest.

Clare Voyant at home.
Voyant was declared winner  at 10:17 P.M. by the sleepy head judge and everyone filed out of the auditorium.  OFF THE WALL news will be showing a video of the final contest without commercial interruption, on Sunday.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

MIKE PENCE RECEIVES BOBBLE HEAD AWARD FOR AGREEING WITH TRUMP ON RUSSIA

VICE PRESIDENT PENCE BLINDLY AGREES WITH THE PRESIDENT ON EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THAT THE ON GOING RUSSIAN COLLUSION STORY IS FAKE, HIS REWARD IS HIS OWN BOBBLE HEAD.....

WASHINGTON D.C.

The Official Bobble Head
Trump went out of his way today, to make his Vice President feel important by giving him his own Bobble Head doll.  In a brief ceremony, in a White House hallway this morning, Trump summoned Pence and presented him with the six inch tall doll.
"Mike, I got to tell you." the President said in his opening remarks, as he held out the Bobble Head to Pence.  "You deserve this award and everybody is going to want one just like it, but because you agree with me on everything and know that this whole Russia  thing is fake, I want you to have this 20 inch doll."
He handed the Bobble Head bearing the likeness of Pence with his pants down, to the Vice President.  Sara Huckabee Sanders was on hand to applaud and contort her face, making her to look jealous.

Pence took the Bobble Head and gave Trump a look of admiration as Trump walked off down the hallway.  The few reporters on hand asked Pence why the Bobble Head came with it's pants down, to which he just smiled and went into his office.

Sanders was then asked if she knew why the Pence Bobble Head came with it's pants down, to which she replied, "Mike, like me, is always ready to take one for the Commander in Chief."
When questioned about Trump's reference about the doll being twenty inches, when in fact it was a standard six inches, Sanders sneered, "I think the President knows the difference when it comes to size and I'll leave it at that."  With that she stomped off.   
A jealous Sara Huckabee Sanders
OFF THE WALL news will continue to monitor this story to see if Sanders receives her own Bobble Head.



Tuesday, October 24, 2017

TRUMP WANTS TO MAKE HALLOWEEN GREAT AGAIN BY MAKING IT A HOLIDAY

TRUMP SHOWS UP WEARING A STRAW WIG TO ANNOUNCE HIS PLANS TO MAKE HALLOWEEN GREAT AGAIN BY MAKING IT A NATIONAL HOLIDAY...

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump: "Halloween, I love it!"
Halloween has always been President Trump's favorite holiday, mostly because of his orange facial complexion. "Other kids had to come up with a mask for Halloween and I didn't have to",  he smirked during a recent interview with Fox News.
"When she was younger, I use to sneak into Ivanka's bedroom at night and yell Boo! It was great. You can ask her and she'll tell you how much fun we had. And it was always way more fun around Halloween."

During another interview on Fox with Tucker Carlson, he had trouble keeping himself still. "I like making things great again", Trump said. "And to make Halloween a national holiday would be a real tweet!  It would be a day of Tricks and Tweeting!"  He winked and asked Carlson, "Get it Tucker, tricks and tweets!"  Luckily they cut to a commercial before Carlson had to answer the President. 
Most everyone in Congress declined to comment on the Presidents latest remarks about a new federal holiday, but the President is known for taking golfing holidays and just may get his way.


Friday, October 20, 2017

TRUMP GIVES HIS RESPONSE TO HURRICANE IN PUERTO RICO A 10

USING MATH ONLY THE PRESIDENT UNDERSTANDS, HE RATED THE FEDERAL RESPONSE TIME TO THE HURRICANE RAVAGED PUERTO RICO 'A 10'......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Calculations for response time on hurricane relief
"Any one who watched this storm on T.V." boasted a smiling President Trump,"Knows what I had to deal with."
Joined by the governor of the U.S. Territory, Ricardo Rossello', Trump did most all of the talking as he held up the note book he used to calculate the federal response time.
"You can see by these figures, the citizens of Puerto Rico can be thankful for the quick response time.  I was able to direct help where needed as well as have a large shipment of paper towels brought in on U.S. war ships"
When questioned about what math he used to calculate the response time, he had this to say: "I simply call it Trump math.  Only I can understand it, and it is full proof.  I've even had professors praise me for my way with numbers.  You can't see it here, but it almost came out to a ten and a half.  People tell me all the time, I should teach this math and I'll be talking with Betsy DeVos, our Secretary of Education about it very soon. You can count on it."
Rossello' declined to give the response time a numerical grade, but said his territory was slowly getting some of the help it needs.  "We still have much more to do." he added, to which Trump broke in, "I was just about to say that.  There is no end to what I'll do for these island people."



Monday, October 2, 2017

TRUMP CONDEMNS LAS VEGAS MASS SHOOTING, BUT REEPHASIZES GOOD PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES

ASKING FOR PEACE AND HARMONY, TRUMP WAS RELIEVED TO LEARN HIS HOTEL HAD NOT BEEN USED BY THE SHOOTER, SIGHTING AUTOMATIC RIFLES ARE NOT ALLOWED ABOVE THE THIRD FLOOR OF ANY TRUMP PROPERTY........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

 It was thumbs up when asked about good people on both sides
 When Trump was told  the worst mass shooting in American history had taken place in Las Vegas, he tried to make light of it by saying, "Well we know the shooter wasn't Elvis."
When no one laughed, he quickly added, "Look I'm joking right?  Everybody knows I'm joking.  I was just trying to raise everyone's spirits. Sometimes the President has to stop being presidential and be like the class clown to lighten the mood."

The press corps quickly began asking him about the steps that will be taken to prevent any future shootings using military style rifles  on innocent people.
"We are ready to take any steps necessary,"  he said in his best presidential demeanor.
"Does this mean some kind of ban on automatic weapons?"  another reporter shouted out. 
"Will someone shut her up!" Trump shouted back.  "Always someone in the media pool talking about taking away our second amendment rights. Get her out of here!"

The reporter was roughly carried out of the press room and Trump continued.  "Look, we don't know who the shooter was, he may have been confused and shot a lot of good people, but we have no way of telling what was in in heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again, there is good in everyone, there was good on both sides here.."
He was then asked if he really believed that and he smiled and gave a thumbs up.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

HUGH HEPNER MAY HAVE INADVERTENTLY COMMITED A RARE FORM OF SUICIDE

PLAYBOY MAGNET AND FOUNDER,  DIED FROM WHAT A DOCTOR CALLED R.E.S. OR RECREATIONAL ERECTION SUICIDE.......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.


  Hefner was the life of the party until he wasn't. Seen here in his final moment
After an extended after-party party, party guests said Hugh Hefner, 91, failed to seek medical help when a drug induced erection lasted more than four hours.  He became delirious and started foaming at the mouth.  Party attendees gathered around him as he fell to the floor and began playing in the foam, thinking it was a Playboy Mansion game.
"At the end, he smiled and took one last breath." Former Miss August, Whisper Bang, told OFF THE WALL news. "We were all kneeling around him rubbing the foam around on his chest, when we realized the party was over."
The Mansion doctor was summoned and upon arrival, declared that Hefner had indeed passed away.  It was   then that Miss October broke down and told the medical staff that Hefner had taken a triple dose of Viagra, keeping him erect close to six hours, two hours longer than was medically safe. Doctors agreed, that at his age, it was too much for his heart and brain, which were starved of the blood that had pooled in the penis.
His personal physician sadly told reporters, "It could have been prevented if Hefner had notified me after four hours, leading me to believe Hef's death was self induced, but we'll never know for sure. He seemed to die a happy man and but sadly will no longer be the life of the party."


Friday, September 29, 2017

VOTING OFFICIALS SURPRISED BY FEMALE VOTER LOOKING A LOT LIKE JARED KUSHNER

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S CHIEF ADVISOR AND SON IN LAW,  HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF DRESSING AND VOTING AS A WOMEN, SENDING A SHOCK WAVE THOUGH THE WHITE HOUSE.  TRUMP PROMISES TO GIVE JARED THE "GRAB" TEST, SAYING HE'LL GRAB HIM "DOWN THERE" AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Jared Kushner? (Photo from voting official body cam.)
The woman in black, with long blonde hair bore a striking similarity to Jared Kushner, as she waited in line to vote for a city official on Tuesday.  There were pointing fingers and  low whispers  directed toward the young woman, who kept her head down and let her hair conceal her face.  She moved up, voted and then ran for her waiting limo, losing a high heeled shoe in the process.  Witnesses say they saw Ivanka Trump in the waiting limo and said she did not look happy.
"I know pissed, when I see it!" bystander Lovetta Bang told OFF THE WALL news. "I could swear I heard screams coming out of that car as it took off."
The high heel shoe was recovered and verified as the same size Kushner wears and the brand matchs one that Ivanka sells.
President Trump was as flustered as a father in law could be, when told of the news.  "I wondered about him, when Ivanka brought him home to me."  he told reporters.  "I'll grab him in the, you know."  he winked and then continued.  "I'll grab him down there and see if he screams or hollers. I can always tell who is who!"
OFF THE WALL news is waiting for fingerprints at the voting booth before making any accusations...

Monday, September 25, 2017

EARLY PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE LEAKED TO PRESS

A PICTURE OF MIKE PENCE TAKEN "BACK IN THE DAY" SURFACED SHOWING THE VP LOOKING QUITE MELLOW WITH WHAT POT ADVOCATES CALL A "FAT-BOY"........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Mike Pence 1975 college photo
The quiet, stone faced man with the Mona Lisa like smile, who is often photographed standing behind the President may have a reason for looking stone faced.  He may in fact be stoned! 
A picture of the Vice President, taken before he entered politics was sent to OFF THE WALL news over the weekend, most likely to embarrass Pence. As per OFF THE WALL new's policy against publishing embarrassing pictures, the picture was edited to hide his left hand.
No one knows for sure who sent the picture, though some are speculating  Pence may have leaked it himself. In his college yearbook, the nickname under his graduation picture is "Rocket man".  Last week as Trump used this Elton John song title to describe Kim Jong Un, it may in fact have jarred up old memories in Pence of his college "daze".

Friday, September 22, 2017

TRUMP CHALLENGES KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF FAMILY FEUD

TRUMP CHALLENGED KIM JONG UN TO A GAME OF CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD ADMITTING IT MAY NOT GET KIM TO ABANDON NUCLEAR AMBITIONS, BUT THE RATINGS WOULD BE SECOND TO NONE......

HOLLYWOOD, CA.

In what may be a first for a Presidential family, Donald Trump, known for his T.V. reality show Celebrity Apprentice, wants to go for that illusive T.V. Emmy and get Kim Jong Un on the Celebrity Family Feud program.  Ivanka and Donald Jr. will join their father up against Kim Jong Un, his wife, and any uncles Kim may have left. Kim was said to be contemplating the proposal.
Don Jr., Ivanka, Donald, with  host Steve Harvey in rehearsal
"It should be wild and crazy!" Feud host Steve Harvey told OFF THE WALL news. "With questions like, what are the top ten signs of neurosis and favorite things in a grab-bag, we should have a real contest!"
At this printing, HBO, HULU, and AMAZON PRIME are all vying for the rights to air the program, even though Ivanka wants the rights to advertise her line of pricey clothes.
OFF THE WALL news will be there when and if the program actually airs.



Wednesday, September 20, 2017

STILL HOPING TO PASS SOMETHING IN HIS FIRST YEAR, TRUMP ADDS CABBAGE AND BOILED EGGS TO HIS DIET

Trump dreamed of passing something
AFTER A ROUGH EIGHT MONTHS WITHOUT GETTING ANYTHING PASSED, THE PRESIDENT CHANGED HIS DIET, SENDING AIDES AND STAFFERS RUNNING TO OPEN WINDOWS......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump won't say for sure, but leakers close to him are saying Trump began a new eating regiment in the White House.  One leaked story says the White House Chef was summoned to the Oval Office and told to add cooked cabbage and boiled eggs to all meals, including midnight snacks.

It must be working, as those closest to him are looking for ways to opt out on Air Force One when Presidential traveling is necessary.  The only official sticking close to him at all times is Vice President Pence, even though he was seen pulling a small bottle of oxygen around behind him, like someone with emphysema. 

Trump tweeted on Tuesday, "They can't say I can't get things passed!"  Followed up by, "It's just that I miss Ivanka, can't wait to see her again!"  Reports are she will not come into the Oval Office while her father is "passing" his new legislation.

OFF THE WALL news in in contact with the White House Chef and will let readers know when the menu changes again.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

TELEPHONE BATTLE HEATS UP AS CALL FROM KIM JONG UN DURING DINNER HOUR INFURIATES TRUMP

TRUMP TAKES OUT HIS FRUSTRATIONS WITH KIM JONG UN'S CALL BY DOWNING A HALF DOZEN CHEESEBURGERS BEFORE VOWING TO DISTURB THE NORTH KOREAN LEADER'S SLEEP IN A MIDNIGHT CALL....

WASHINGTON D.C.


It started out innocently with the most powerful man in the free world and the "evil" dictator of the North Korean nation playing phone tag. One would call the other and leave a message until it escalated into placing calls at odd hours and inconvenient times.
"Somehow Kim Jong Un found out when I enjoy bowl movements!" Trump complained.  "I don't know who leaked that info, but if I find out, I'll turn them over to Pence and he'll plug the leak!" He was talking of course of Vice President Mike Pence who shook his head and looked ready to follow any orders given him..

Trump downs the forth of six cheeseburgers.
White House insiders told OFF THE WALL news that Trump became so distracted by getting   telephone calls while in the toilet, it caused a bowel blockage, requiring an enema.
Trump received numerous other calls at strange times, but the straw that broke the camel's back came last evening as Trump was trying to unwind just before dinner was served.  He had removed his tie and just as Pence was helping him remove his shoes, the telephone rang.
On the line was a laughing Kim Jong Un, who said in broken English, "So sawwy, did I cawl at bad time?"
Trump slammed the receiver down and in a show of raw emotion devoured his, Pence's, and Ivanka's cheeseburgers, all six in within four minutes.  With his mouth still full he managed to say, "I'll get that little peckerhead! I'll call him back at midnight!"
Hopefully for the world this telephone war won't escalate beyond prank calls.


Friday, September 15, 2017

FLAT EARTH SOCIETY IS GAINING GROUND WITH PRESIDENT

TRUMP WELCOMED MEMBERS OF THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY TO THE WHITE HOUSE THURSDAY, FOR A CONFERENCE ON DECLARING THE EARTH FLAT AGAIN AFTER  SEEING THE EARTH FROM THE AIR.........

WASHINGTON, D.C.  

The Oval Office was filled with Flat Earth Society members almost thirty minutes before the President made his appearance. They were fed peanuts and offered $.75 soft drinks for a quarter.
First Daughter Ivanka greets Flat Earth Society
To appease the crowd prior to Trump's appearance, First Daughter Ivanka Trump entered the room in a rather snug fitting red dress, that seemed to counter the belief in the room that the earth was flat.  She smiled and greeted the gathering of Trump supporters, who couldn't take their eyes off of her.  "Welcome, Daddy and I are so happy you are here!" she said in a soft and almost seductive voice.  "Daddy has a lot to say about the curvature of the earth."
She then went around the room giving out deflated Patriot footballs that had been signed by the President and Tom Brady.  "See how flat they are." she said smiling, although most attendees were not looking at the footballs.

President Trump then entered the Oval office followed by Vice President Pence who look bewildered.  The crowd, made up of mostly men gave Trump a rousing welcome.
"Hello.  I see you have met Ivanka.  Isn't she something to look at? Sometimes my eyes water."  He then asked her to show Pence out and she and Pence left the room.

The president of the Flat Earth Society then asked Trump to declare the earth flat again, showing him pictures of the earth as a flat pan cake. Trump was very much amazed at their findings. "You know." he said, "I've seen this good Earth from up in Air Force One many times and I have to agree, it looks pretty flat, unlike a certain daughter of mine."  He smiled broadly before continuing. "I'm joking. You know it and I know it. Only Jared knows for sure." he added with a wink, speaking of his son-in-law. "Some say the Earth is round and others like you, say it is flat.  You are both right.  Can we agree on that much?"
There were no replies from any of the attendees and it got strangely quiet in the room.  Trump quickly continued.  "I'm going put together a panel of  experts, led by Michel Bachmann to study this mystery and I'll get back to you."

The group were then led out, each holding on to their souvenir Tom Brady footballs.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story to the ends of the earth.






Wednesday, September 13, 2017

TRUMP FAMILY PHOTO FOUND IN TRUMP TOWER TRASH DUMPSTER

SCAVENGERS DIGGING THROUGH TRUMP TRASH FIND DISCARDED PICTURE OF A YOUNG DONALD AND IVANKA IN AN INTERESTING SITUATION......

NEW YORK, NY

Donald and Ivanka during a "family" situation.
An old photo of a young Donald Trump and daughter Ivanka as a teen, surfaced last night after scavengers were chased away from the Trump dumpster yesterday afternoon.  Security officers found what appeared to be a family photo album minus most of the pictures, on the ground near the dumpster.
The photo shown here, was obtained by OFF THE WALL news for $10 from a street peddler. In the photo, Donald is being hugged by an eager and possessive Ivanka.
Trump, when asked about it, tried to play down the photo and said he didn't see anything wrong with the picture, "Ivanka had just waken from a bad dream and needed his assurance that she was safe." He made a call to security and had them double the watch outside Ivanka's door, then sat with her until she fell back asleep.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

MAN WHO SHOOTS HIMSELF WITH FUN GUN DIES LAUGHING

INVENTOR OF NEW TYPE OF WEAPON DUBBED THE FUN GUN, DIES LAUGHING WHILE DEMONSTRATING NEW DEVICE......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Boom, seconds before his death
Roger Boom, 28, of Bridgeport got the last laugh Monday as he pulled the trigger of his latest invention called the Fun Gun.
He had told city officials he had devised the perfect weapon,  a weapon that when fired at someone, would make them laugh instead of killing them. It turned out differently however at a demonstration in front of the Sleepy Eye Bar, downtown Bridgeport.  It was there that a small crowd of gawkers assembled to watch Boom shoot himself in the head with his "Fun Gun". 
"It was awful!" One woman said.  "I don't think one person watching laughed.  I kept waiting for the guy to get up, but he never did."

He had told those close to him that he hoped to change their world with the Fun Gun.  As it turned out, it only changed his world in a very subtle way.  Boom had been working on getting people to stop harming each other and said that if we could get people to laugh during a confrontation, it would defuse the rage.   He had hoped to market the new weapon by the holidays, but told OFF THE WALL news, if his experiment failed, he would have the last laugh. 

Boom will be buried Friday next to his older brother Bob, who was killed last year by another of Boom's inventions, the Happy Arrow.  Officials destroyed Boom's Fun Gun so no one else would try it.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO BUILD HIS BASE BY CONNECTING WITH TRANGENDER AND LGBT GROUPS

SAYING HE WAS ONLY JOKING WITH HIS TWEET BANNING LGBT IN THE MILITARY, TRUMP CAME OUT WITH A SOFTER, BOULDER, YET POUTY LOOK......

WASHINGTON D.C.

President Trump and First Daughter Ivanka
Catching White House staff off guard this morning, President Trump and daughter Ivanka emerged from his private quarters,wearing full make-up. Gasps could be heard from across the room as the two joined a crack reporter from OFF THE WALL news for an exclusive interview.  What follows is small portion of that interview. (The full interview will be published in Dave Taylor's upcoming book, "Overcoming the Trump in the Road".)

OTW: "Mr. President, is this the new you?"  Trump: "This is who I am, kind, caring, wanting, and I've been told many, many times, good looking."
OTW:  "Who did your make-up?" Trump: "Ivanka. She has always been able to bring out the real me."
He gave Ivanka a squeeze and the two gazed into each other's eyes as he finished his comment. "Meaning, in a father/daughter way."  Ivanka then added, "Since Daddy told me he was joking about banning the LBGT community in the armed forces, I suggested he show his inner feelings and let me make him up. We had great, great fun trying different blushes, shades, and liners. We could have gone too far and people might have been confused, thinking he was a porn star, so we softened his lip gloss to keep his Presidentual look."

The total interview lasted forty-five minutes and then father and daughter retreated back up stairs to the private quarters.  Trump has had a trying few weeks and he had hopes that a new image would help his cause.  Now that Steve Bannon is gone, he hopes things change quickly.  With Bannon's departure, it frees up a bedroom in the private quarters.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

OFF THE WALL NEWS FOUNDER AND SENIOR EDITOR DAVE TAYLOR TURNS 61

OTW FOUNDER TRIED TO KEEP HIS BIRTHDAY LOW KEY IF NOT QUIET, BUT DUE TO A POSSIBLE LEAK, IT TURNED INTO A TON OF FUN.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN


Dave Taylor and the elephant in the room.
Dave Taylor's 61st birthday last Friday, became cause for celebration at the OFF THE WALL news headquarters in Bridgeport, Minnesota.  Taylor, who tried to keep his "day" hidden from the news, was surprised when a four ton elephant with "Happy 61st Dave" written on its forehead came high stepping into the boardroom.

Taylor looked around the table and asked if anyone else could see the elephant in the room and received blank stares. The pachyderm then smeared frosting on Taylor's cheek with its long trunk and the room errupted with laughter.  The next hour was filled with uncontrolled laughter, as reporters related their favorite OFF THE WALL news story from the past eight years. At the end of the day, the huge birthday pachyderm was crated and sent to an elephant sancturary in Afica, where it could celebrate all its remaining birthdays amonst fellow elephants.

The staff was given the rest of the day off and Taylor went back to work, scouring the wire for worthy news stories.  Taylor would like to thank readers for their birthday wishes and promises continued reporting of news not reported elswhere.  

 



Thursday, August 3, 2017

TRUMP AWARDED HIS OWN MERIT BADGE FOR RECENT SPEECH TO BOY SCOUTS

THE PRESIDENT WASN'T QUITE SURE WHAT IT MEANT AND ASKED WHY IT WASN'T BIGGER......


WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump's Merit Badge for BS
President Trump ignited a firestorm last week after turning a non political event, addressing the Boy Scouts Jamboree, into a self-serving political rally. It was bad enough that leaders of the Boy Scouts issued an apology to it's members and supporters. 

Trump then went on to tell those in the press that he received a telephone call from the scout leaders saying his speech was the best there ever was and thanked him. Once again, the leaders of the Boy Scouts came forth saying there were no phone calls, but decided the President had earned his own special Merit Badge.

In the Boy Scouts, a Merit Badge is a proud symbol of honor and achievement and there are numerous Merit Badges that can be earned and after the President's self-serving speech, it was thought he had earned his own.  He was awarded a badge for BS, the one and only badge of its kind ever awarded.  Trump, who was never a Boy Scout, wasn't quite sure what to think and asked why it wasn't bigger.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

TRUMP DEMANDS THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL SESSIONS UNDERGO A MANDATORY SPERM COUNT

SESSIONS COULDN'T BELIEVE HIS EARS WHEN THE VICE PRESIDENT CAME UP BEHIND HIM AND WHISPERED TRUMP'S LATEST VOLLEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO FORCE SESSIONS TO RESIGN.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessions gets the word in front of an Obama Presidential portrait
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was meditating in the Obama Room when Vice President Pence came in through the back door of the quiet area, Sessions has made for himself next to his office.
"Jeff," Pence whispered loudly. "The Chief wants to test your sperm count to see if you're man enough to do your job."
Sessions, bit his lip and frowned, then replied, "Oh oh."
According to sources inside the White House, Trump wants to show Sessions who is in charge and get him to resign. 
Sources also are saying Mike Pence has undergone four sperm counts in the last three weeks.  "It's not all that bad," he told Sessions.  "If you pass, you can join me in becoming a sperm doner and get in on the free Viagra!"

Monday, July 24, 2017

PICTURE SURFACES SHOWING TRUMP'S FIRST MEETING WITH SCARAMUCCI

TRUMP WASTED NO TIME APPOINTING HIS NEW COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI, ONCE HE REALIZED HE AND SCARAMUCCI WERE ONCE GOOD "BUDDIES"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Scaramucci, 2nd from left, was first introduced to Trump, (r) at a funeral in 1998
A photo of Trump, during his first meeting with his newly appointed communications director, surfaced early this morning, much to the surprise of the President. He began reminising out loud to Dave Taylor, as the two met privately.

"We were both running with a fast and different crowd back then." Trump said. "Soprano introduced us and it turned out that Scaramucci really liked me! Of course, I went on to create a new group called the 'In Crowd' and as you know, went on to become the modern day President, can you believe it?!  Hillary never had a chance!
I think Tony Soprano went on to have his own TV show, but it never got the ratings, the Celebrity Apprentice got and didn't last too long."

Sources say there were more pictures taken at this funeral, but they have been confiscated by the Bambinni family out of respect for Lou Bambinni, who lay in the closed coffin.
OFF THE WALL news will continue to search for more photos.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

CAUGHT IN ANOTHER PRIVATE MEETING, TRUMP JR. SAYS THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS

DONALD TRUMP JR ORIGINALLY SAID HE ONLY ATTENDED ONE PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN LAWYER, NOW SOURCES MAY HAVE FOUND EVIDENCE OF A SECOND PRIVATE MEETING WITH A RUSSIAN BARTENDER.....

NEW YORK, NY.

Don Jr. and Jocko Noblik discuss Moscow Mules
Someone leaked a photo of a bare chested Donald Trump Jr. embracing Jocko Noblik, a former KGB officer who now resides in New York as a bartender and the media is eating it up. 
Trump Jr. denied the meeting until he was presented with a picture of the two of them arm in arm. "I didn't think that looked like me." he said before continuing. "But then I remembered meeting Mr. Noblik in a hotel bar. I asked him to show me how to make a Moscow Mule and he said the receipe was in his room.  I stopped up to see him after his shift and we became good friends."
Asked about the absence of his shirt in the photo, he told journalist that the two were comparing his scars to Knoblik's tattoos.
Noblik came to New York last year after loosing his job with the FSB, the  state security organisation  that replaced the KGB. Although he publicly maintains his bar tending story, embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter, Jon Smith (Not his real name.) reports he spends weeks at a time in Russia, helping Vladimir Putin groom his horse.  Sources believe Noblik is the link between Putin and Don Jr., but this has not been proven.  
In Trump's defence, he was seen in Koblik's hotel elevator holding a copper mug, garnished with lime.  Time will tell what the real truth is.





Tuesday, July 11, 2017

G20 SUMMIT PICTURE LEAKED TO THE PRESS INFURIATES TRUMP

G20 group picture
TRUMP SURPRISED HIS COUNTERPARTS AS THEY GATHERED ON THE LAST DAY OF THE G20 SUMMIT  FOR A GROUP SOLIDARITY PICTURE...........

HAMBURG, GERMANY

President Trump waited until his counterparts were all assembled for the group photo before bounding into the room and the center of the group.  "The Force is with me!" be blurted out.
Sources told OFF THE WALL news, the world leaders had agreed to wear the white storm trooper costumes to show the world their solidarity and when Trump came in dressed as Darth Vader, there was hissing and cat calls aplenty.  Trump said he was under the assumption that the picture would remain private and when told it had been leaked, turned bright red.
After the picture was taken, Trump produced a toy light sabre and challenged North Korea's Kim Jong Un to a duel. A few minutes later Mrs. Trump came into the room and told her husband, Kim Jong Un was not part of the G20 and it was time to leave, causing him to stomp out of the room.  We can only imagine what the flight home was like.

                                          

Thursday, July 6, 2017

MINNESOTA CITY ASKS COURT TO STOP TRUMP TOWER CONSTRUCTION ON LAKE FRONT PROPERTY

THE CITY HAS FILED A MOTION IN DISTRICT COURT TO PROHIBIT THE TRUMPS FROM ERECTING A TWENTY STORY TOWER ON THE CITY'S LAKEFRONT WHICH WOULD BLOCK THE VIEW OF THE LAKE AND BE THE TALLEST BUILDING IN 500 MILES......


UPTHERIVER, MN.

News leaked last month that the Trump organization, headed by Trump's sons, wanted to erect an new building in the North Minnesota city of Uptheriver that would completely block the view of the city's lake, Lake Serene.  Residents quickly formed a coalition against the planned building and sent a letter to the Sixth District Court of Northern Minnesota.

Don Jr. and Eric Trump came dressed for the job.
 This news was met with a  nasty tweet from the POTUS. "Why are you against a Trump Tower in your stinking little town? Sad! My sons will prevail."
"I promised my sons they could build the tallest building in North Min."
Trump then threatened to sign an executive order to drain Lake Seren for environmental reasons unless the city relented from their "unfair demands".

Don Jr. and Eric Trump first visited Uptheriver, (Pronounced Up-the-riv-er) in April and approached the City Council with their plan to erect a Trump Tower on the bank of Lake Serene. Thinking they would look like Minnesotans, the two were dressed in white shirts and bib overalls.  City officials worried that their planned building would block the complete lakefront from view, causing a loss of boaters and tourists. City Attorney Pat Magroin argued the building's height would also be detrimental to flying geese.
Informants told  OFF THE WALL news the reason behind Trumps wanting the building is to have their own resort to use when snipe hunting.

Monday, July 3, 2017

SAYING HE IS NOT FAT, TRUMP IS WEARING RUBBER UNDERWEAR TO LOSE WEIGHT

LIKING THE WAY IT FEELS NEXT TO HIS SKIN, HE PLANS TO WEAR IT AROUND THE CLOCK.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fighting critics who say he is looking fatter by the day, Trump is undergoing a new stratagy he says is more about style than stubstance.  "I look good in it, you know that and I know that. I can put on a pair of pants and suit coat over it and no one's the wiser, except me and I'm pretty wise."

"It's a little tight in the gut, but it looks good on me."
Trump has fired three taylors in the past six months, claiming they were making his clothes fit too tight.  "They were incompetent and had to be fired," he said as he downed his second double cheeseburger during lunch.

Trump got the idea for wearing rubber underwear to lose weight, from a story in the National Enquirer about fat ladies in the circus who wore rubber panties to contain their "huge derrieres ".

Around the White House, staff and subordinates complement the President as he models his fatwear.  "He wants to lose weight, but not to be called a loser." One staffer told embedded OFF THE WALL news reporter Dick Tickler. "But it's too late for that."




Sunday, July 2, 2017

HILLARY GETTING READY FOR 2020,SAYS SHE'S IN THE BEST SHAPE TO WIN

AFTER LOSING HER LAST BID FOR THE WHITE HOUSE IN THE ELECTORIAL COLLEGE, BUT WINNING THE POPULAR VOTE, HILLARY IS TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH IN 2020......SHE'S AT THE GYM EVERY DAY....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

"A Vote for Me, Will Set You Free!"
Hillary Clinton had jaws dropping Saturday when she revealed her revamped body and her new Vote For HRC 2020 poster.  Even spouse and former President Bill Clinton was excited and couldn't keep from grinning.  "This is a new Hillary." Bill said.  "I don't know if its her hairdo or what, but there is something about her that can get you going!"

Hillary told OFF THE WALL news she's looking forward to running again and this time she can't wait to see what name Trump will come up for her.  "I think he'll find I'm not as stupid as he tried to make me out as."
When Trump saw the poster, he stammered, "They're fake, everybody knows that! I've been up close and personal, her whole body is fake!"  Privately he told Mitch McConnell, he hadn't been this nervous since he was caugh sneaking into Ivanka's bedroom.

Hillary will start campaigning at college campuses early next year. Time will tell how this all comes out.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THREE ARMED MAN IN SHOCK AFTER UNDERGOING PROCEDURE TO REMOVE AN ARM

A LOCAL MAN BORN WITH TWO LEFT AND ONE RIGHT ARM, ENTERED THE HOSPITAL TUESDAY TO  REMOVE THE LOWER LEFT ARM, BUT DUE TO A COMPUTER GLITCH, HIS RIGHT ARM WAS REMOVED BY ACCIDENT...HOSPITAL BLAMES ROBOT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A local man received good news and bad news Tuesday evening after having one of his three arms removed by robotic surgery at Bridgeport General.  The good news was that the operation had been a success followed by the bad news that the wrong arm had been removed.
Kenny Duet, signing papers for his procedure.

Kenny Duet, 35 entered B.G. Tuesday morning for what was to be an out patient procedure.  He was born with two left arms and always had hoped to get one of them removed when the technology advanced enough to allow  it.  Last month Bridgeport General notified Duet of their new robot surgeon,  nicknamed Truman, who had been able to surgically remove the stomach out of a gnat.

Duet came in to meet the robot on Fathers Day and sign the paperwork for the robotic surgery to take place.  The robot has been programmed not only to perform surgical procedures, but to also entertain children in the children's wing of the hospital.  Duet quickly bonded with Truman after witnessing the robot juggle scalpels in front of the children.
"Truman"

No one knows for sure how or why Duet's right arm was mistakenly removed and until a diagnostic procedure can be completed, Truman has been banned from the surgical floor and delegated to the kitchen to slice onions.
Duet's attorney told OFF THE WALL news his client would probably sue once he found out if they could sue a robot. 


Sunday, June 11, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REVERTS TO BUSINESSMAN TRUMP TO MARKET TRUMP MOUTHWASH

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS ARE SAYING TRUMP KNOWS THE END IS NEAR FOR HIS PRESIDENCY AND DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE A BAD TASTE IN ANYONE'S MOUTH SO HE IS MARKETING AN ADVANCED FORMULA MOUTHWASH......

WASHINGTON D.C.

Never one to miss an opportunity to make a dollar, President Trump is rolling out a new mouthwash, sons Donald Jr. and Eric introduced to rave reviews in Moscow six months ago. Trump Mouthwash should be hitting the shelves across America in the next few months. 
"It works, just ask Ivanka!"
1st daughter Ivanka gave a sly smile, when asked about the new product. "It was a whole new sensation for my mouth!" she told reporters. "It has a unique taste and leaves you breathless."
As Trump's popularity numbers continued to fall due to his manner of directing the government to be self-serving and with Russiagate hanging over him like a cloud, he directed his sons to do something.  With the help of big sister Ivanka as a silent partner, they developed a mouthwash that would get the so called bad taste of their father out of the public's mouth. The Trump brothers traveled to Russia in January of this year and began giving out free samples of "Trump Mouthwash."  It caught on and soon they couldn't keep up with demand.
Promises to relieve the sting of Trump.
OFF THE WALL news has learned there are also plans for an ointment  for those who feel like Trump has been a pain in the "ass".  Preparation T is in a test market somewhere in North Korea.
"It's all about the dollar!" Trump exclaimed. "I also hope to negotiate a deal with Vaseline in the coming weeks. It will be a slick deal, I can tell you that.  What a great country this is and I'm making it greater yet!"





Monday, June 5, 2017

TRUMP SHAVES HIS HEAD TO PROVE HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT WEANING HIMSELF FROM TWITTER

THE PRESIDENT SHOCKED HIS STAFF THIS MORNING WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND PROMISED TO WEAN HIMSELF FROM HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"I'm going to wean myself, I'll be the biggest weaner of all times."
After sending tweets boasting of his wavy hair to fifteen world leaders late Saturday night, Trump came to the realization that he was out of control and vowed to wean himself from tweeting.
"It takes a real man to wean himself," he told OFF THE WALL news, "and I'll show the world what a great big weaner I am!"
To show he meant business, he shaved his head and had his hair sent to a pet mortuary.

"Everyone knows how much I like my hair, I mean who wouldn't like it, but it had to be done.  Now little dead critters will have it."
Trump stood up and went to one of the large windows behind his desk before continuing. ."I've known many people who try to wean themselves from their bad habits and fail. But I am the chief weaner and when it's all over I'll be known as a Presidential weanee!"
Kellyanne praised him and rubbed his bald head before ushering the news media out of the oval office.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the President's hair grows back.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

BRIDGEPORT HEAT WAVE CAUSES RUSH TO CITY BEACH

CITY'S TWO FULL TIME LIFEGUARDS ARE BEING FORCED TO WORK OVERTIME, STRAINING THE CITY BUDGET AND CAUSING CITY GOVERNMENTAL LEADERS TO HAVE THEIR OWN HEAT WAVE OVER LIFEGUARD BODY MEASUREMENTS.............

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

No one expected 90 degree weather to hit Bridgeport on June 3rd, causing hundreds of swimmers looking to cool off.  The problem according to Mayor Ben Dover is the lifeguard shortage, now in its third year.  Swimmers still hit the beach this morning after being warned there would be only one lifeguard on duty.
Swimmers arrived in swarms as the temps rose in Bridgeport
Dover told his constituents, it would be cheaper to print up signs saying "Swim at your own risk, no lifeguard on duty", than hire lifeguards, but promised to begin interviewing lifeguard applicants as soon as Monday.
Dover's critics are saying he is dragging his feet, in part because of the type of lifeguards he is looking for.  Accusing the Mayor of being sexist for insisting the applications ask for bust size of all female applicants, city counsel members want to bring in an outside hiring specialist.
Meanwhile, the beach area is packed with swimmers.  Normally the beach has 50 to 70 swimmers at any given time.  Since early Saturday that number has swelled to between five hundred and a thousand.  To make room for everyone, swimmers are prohibited from sitting or lying on the beach and must stand when not in the water.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story throughout the Summer.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

TRUMP RE-CREATES HIS HISTORIC RISE IN WASHINGTON IN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

IN HIS ONGOING PURSUIT TO BE IN THE NEWS 24/7, TRUMP FULFILLS A CHILDHOOD DREAM  OF BEING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IN A MOVIE.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Ryan as Moe, Trump as Curly, and McConnell as Larry
Calling on son in law Jared Kushner to direct, Trump and company began shooting his adaption of "The Three Stooges in Washington", a comedic short film based on Trump's rise in Washington. In order to make the short film more memorable, he cast Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and himself as his favorite childhood heroes, the Three Stooges.
Ryan was viewed as relishing his part playing Moe, because he was able to continuously slap, poke, and jab Curly (Trump) and Larry (McConnell).  Trump, as Curly took the slaps and eye gouges in stride, slapping his own face over and over while shouting, "Woob, woob, woob, woob!"
Trump got the idea of making a film while late night movie binging Stooge movies with Kellyanne Conway.  As  The Three Stooges were new to Conway, Trump filled her in on his childhood heroes and how they had helped shape his life.
The next day Trump signed an order to have a Three Stooges movie script written about his rise in Washington D.C. and tapped Ryan and McConnell to co-star with him. Sources who have seen the complete film (22 minutes run time) say it is a gripping portrayal of Trump's rise.
Trump wanted it known that no animals were hurt or abused in the film, even though he portrays a horse's ass in one of the scenes.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will review the movie in a future news story.

Friday, June 2, 2017

AS FBI CLOSES IN ON RUSSIAN INTERFEARENCE IN U.S.,PUTIN INTRODUCES NEW MENS COLOGNE TO RUSSIA

IT NOW APPEARS THAT WITH THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE THE RUSSIAN CONNECTION TO TRUMP AND HIS SURROGATES, TRUMP INADVERTENTLY TWEETED ABOUT THE COLOGNE, CAUSING  PUTIN TO ACT..... 

 MOSCOW, RUSSIA

"Covfefe, so manly, it reeks of bromance!"

In a shocking follow-up to President Trump's late night tweet earlier in the week where Trump first used the word, Covfete, Putin today  released a new cologne in Russia called Covfete, featuring he and Trump on the label, shirtless, and riding horseback.

What many scholars thought was a type-o, turns out to be the name of Putin's new mens colonge, Covfefe, which in Russian folklore loosely means, back channel. 
There is much speculation to the context of "back channel" whereas the tag line on the label reads, "Covfefe, So Manly, It reeks of Bromance!" 
Foreign sources tell OFF THE WALL NEWS the new cologne was not to be released until September, but with a sleep deprived Trump at the tweet keyboard, the announcement came earlier than planned. As Trump usually does, to divert attention away from his faux pas, quickly announced to the world, he was taking the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.
"You have to be able to think on your feet." he boasted.  As for his relationship with Putin, he said, "We're still tight and the cologne is magnificent. I wear it all the time.  Even Ivanka likes the way I smell!"






Thursday, June 1, 2017

TRUMP SAYS ANSWER TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IN HIS HANDS

TRUMP BOWS OUT OF WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE ACCORD, SAYING ALL YOU NEED IS AN UMBRELLA TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL CLIMATE......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump introduces his Climate Change device.
Two hours after telling the world he is pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change, he introduced his answer to climate change.
"I am one of the smartest people on Earth and I will be saving the people in the United States more money than they thought possible." Trump told a small group of climate change deniers in the Rose Garden. "I will see that everyone that wants one, will get a personal climate change device.  It looks like an umbrella, but it's not."
White House sources told OFF THE WALL NEWS, Trump made a secret deal with the Chinese and bought a billion umbrellas at $3 a piece.  They are to keep the holder cool and dry.
This shocking news has both houses of congress up in arms with many, on both sides of the isle thinking Trump has gone over the edge this time. Who knows what will happen next.....

Monday, May 29, 2017

TRUMP NOT HAPPY WITH POPE, SAYS POPE WAS VERY UNFAIR TO HIM

TRUMP RETURNED HOME FROM HIS FIRST VISIT ABROAD A VERY UNHAPPY MAN, SAYING POPE FRANCES HAD DENIED HIM HIS REQUEST TO MAKE HIM A SAINT.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Pope explaining to Trump why he can't be a saint.
Sources on the plane home said Trump pouted and whined about his time at the Vatican and how the Pope had affected his mood at the G7 conference.
The source, who is close to the President told OFF THE WALL NEWS, the President had been looking forward to his meeting with Pope Frances because he wanted to ask for forgiveness for his grabbing women's private parts and bragging about it.  The source said after the two were introduced, Trump asked for forgiveness and promised the Pope he would never brag again.  At first the Pope's eyes fluttered and then when Trump asked to be made a Saint, his mouth dropped open.
Pope Frances took Trump aside and quietly told him the Heavenly Father  had other plans for him.  Trump's expression became very somber as he listened.  Trying to make Trump feel better Pope Frances gave the President a book he had written about climate change.  Trump feigned a smile and left the room clutching the Pope's book.
After leaving the Vatican on his way to the G7 summit, Trump vowed to drop out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.  "Frances knows what he can do with his book!" he could be heard shouting on Air Force One. "He is the most unfair Pope of all time!  He was so unfair to me!  I'd make the best Saint ever and everybody knows that! I don't even think he's really a Pope, he's fake!"
His anger and mood came through at the G7 summit, scolding the leaders of our allied countries about NATO payments and showing others who stands where when taking pictures.
The President planned to take Memorial Day off and locked himself in his room.
Who knows what this week will bring.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there digging for the truth.