Friday, January 27, 2017

MEXICO THROWS WRENCH IN TRUMP'S PLAN FOR PAYING FOR THE WALL

IN A SHOW OF DEFIANCE OVER MEXICO'S REFUSAL TO PAY FOR THE WALL, TRUMP DEMANDS VICE PRESIDENT PENCE CANCEL HIS FAMILY'S UPCOMING CANCUN VACATION AND OUTLAW THE SERVING OF TACOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

It's been a long first week for "rookie" President Donald J.Trump.  Beginning with the size of the crowd at his inaugural, it seems to have gone down hill from there.  By the time Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto told him Mexico wouldn't pay for the border wall and canceled their scheduled meeting , Trump's eyes were twitching, causing blood vessels to burst. 
Early this morning, in retaliation he instructed Vice President Pence to cancel his upcoming Cancun vacation, slated for March.  He then directed Pence to go to the kitchen and tell the chef, tacos were forbidden in the White House until further notice.
Trump was upset with Mexico's  message
Insiders told OFF THE WALL NEWS Trump then called his closest adviser Kellyanne Conway and demanded she write down his new list of other countries that could be made to pay for the wall.  The list was said to include Canada, Iran, Norway, England, and Australia.  
"We're going to have a wall!" he shouted to her, "And it's going to be the biggest wall you've ever seen!  It's going to be a great wall, it will make China's great wall look puny in comparison!"

OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to monitor the first 100 days of Trump's presidency.
 


Thursday, January 26, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REDECORATES OVAL OFFICE, SAYS MEXICO WILL PAY FOR IT

USING NEGOTIATING SKILLS FROM HIS BOOK, THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF CLAIMS HE "GOT HIS WAY" WITH THE MEXICANS AS HE POSES IN FRONT OF NEW OVAL OFFICE WALL.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

President Trump at work in the newly decorated Oval Office
Telling staffers he was bored of looking out the huge bay windows, he signed an executive order to "dress up" the walls in the oval office.  He clapped his hands twice and White House workers jumped into action.  His Senior Advisor Kellyanne Conway helped him pick out the wallpaper, while Vice President Pence helped with choosing the wallpaper paste.

"President Trump was able to negotiate a good deal and the Mexicans will end up paying for most of the wallpaper!"  a smiling Kellyanne Conway told OFF THE WALL. "He wanted something to make it easy to pick him out of a crowd and he simply adores what we found."

Mexican President Enrique Pina Nieto, when learning of this latest declaration could only laugh and in a message to OFF THE WALL NEWS said, "Trump wanted money to re-paper his personal bathroom, we said no and that was that."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will get to the bottom of this and find out just who is being more truthful.


 


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

BRIDGEPORT STUDY REVEALS SOME PEOPLE LIVE LONGER THAN OTHERS

SKEPTIC PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER KELLYANNE CONWAY IS NOW WAVERING IN HER BELIEFS AFTER BEGINNING TO READ THE 
900 PAGE REPORT  RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC......


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer was delighted to have the world's attention shift elsewhere Monday, when news of the Bridgeport  Longevity Study overshadowed the inaugural attendance debate. 

Scientists at the Bridgeport Aging Study Center announced their findings on Monday morning after a long and exhaustive study on how longevity affects people's lives. 
Evidence file photo #12
Research Professor Ukanbe Shur, 58, on loan from the Kenya Research Center in Nairobi, talked to OFF THE WALL NEWS from his laboratory office.
"All the findings in our research show some people die sooner than others," he said. "This is a fact of life."

"I know the real facts of life."
Immediately after the report was released, skeptics began calling the report bogus, pointing out that the graves in the evidence pictures are empty and most likely just tombstones.  Leading the skeptics was Kellyanne Conway, who was as always, very vocal.  "How can this be a fact of life?  The facts of life I learned on prom night, were very different."

This prompted a reporter to ask  her where the presidents on our country's paper money were today?  "That is an unfair question!" she exclaimed. "I'm going to read this report and I'll get back to you."

A few hours later, after reading a hundred or more pages, she said she would have nothing further to say about the Bridgeport report on longevity.  OFF THE WALL NEWS, will continue to press her on the issues.




Sunday, January 22, 2017

OFF THE WALL NEWS WINS THE KARMA NEWS REPORTING AWARD

KEEPING IT LOW KEY, OFF THE WALL NEWS'S SENIOR EDITOR AND LEAD REPORTER ACCEPTED THE WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND KARMA AWARD SATURDAY NIGHT IN FRONT OF A ROOMFUL OF HIS PEERS.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Dave Taylor
In this "gotta be number one" world, Senior Editor and reporter Dave Taylor was always content to stay in the background and let the others reap the rewards and claim the prizes when in it came to gathering and reporting the news.  Saturday Taylor was pushed to the forefront and became the news, as he and his crack team of reporters were this year's recipients of  the What Goes Around, Comes Around Karma award.
"It's all about Karma." Taylor said softly as he held up the WGACAK award ribbon. "If you do good at something, it will come back to you. My team and I would rather not be the news, but thanks."

He was awarded the ribbon for many of the past stories now filed away the OFF THE WALL NEWS ARCHIVES.  One of his favorites was breaking the story of the legalization of strip poker clubs in Bridgeport. "We told the naked truth." he stated.  Other great reporting occurred when he and Pope Frances paled around during the Pope's visit to the U.S. and together attended an AC/DC concert.  Topping it off of course, was his travels with then Presidential candidate Donald Trump in Iowa last summer, where Taylor and Trump toured in Trump's helicopter.

"It's been fun, but we're just scratching the surface," Taylor said at the close of the ceremony. "This ribbon will be stapled to our wall at the OFF THE WALL NEWS office so everyone in our organization can stare at it from time to time and see that hard work pays off."
With that he left quietly out a back door.  There was more news to uncover.

Friday, January 20, 2017

OBAMA BLAMERS FACE QUANDARY AFTER TRUMP'S INAUGURATION

WITH OBAMA NO LONGER THE PRESIDENT, BLAMERS OF EVERYTHING HE DID, WILL PUT THE BLAME ON DONALD DUCK UNTIL THE BLAME MOVEMENT CAN REGROUP.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

"It's all my fault!"
Feeling like the day after Christmas, a vast majority of citizens who found solace in placing the blame for everything on President Obama, are now feeling down and out.  Obama who has been blamed for everything from the shapes of pretzels to the hiccups, is now out of the presidential spotlight, making putting the blame on him, pointless. 
Smiley Simpleton, vocal leader of the Blame Barack movement, in the interim, is calling for all blamers to now place blame for whatever ails them on Donald Duck.

Simpleton told OFF THE WALL NEWS he blamed Obama for not doing something so he could win a third term. "Now dammit, we won't have him to blame anymore!"

The next few months will prove to be very messy and OFF THE WALL NEWS, will  be there to see who ends up getting the blame.
Smiley Simpleton, "I blame Obama!"

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

TRUMP TO PERFORM AT HIS OWN INAUGURAL CELEBRATION

WITH MORE AND MORE A-LIST ENTERTAINERS BUSY ELSEWHERE AND UNABLE TO PERFORM AT THE INAUGURAL CELEBRATION, TRUMP HAS BOOKED HIMSELF AND FRIENDS TO ENTERTAIN THE MASSES........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Putin, Palin, Trump, and Ryan will perform at the ball
With his Presidential inauguration only days away, President Elect Trump's inauguration entertainment committee has been unable to book any A-list stars to perform. The biggest stars and most popular groups have declined the invitation to perform, saying they fear retaliation from their fans. Upon hearing this news, Trump immediately booked himself and friends to perform, and then had a contract written up and made them sign it.
First Miss Universe file photo.
Sources embedded in Trump Tower report Trump has enlisted the help of Vladimir Putin, Sarah Palin, and Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan to help him lighten the mood and act as clowns.
"It's going to be great!" he exclaimed. "It's going to be the greatest show on earth, I mean that!  When Ringling Bros. heard about my plan, they announced closing down after one hundred and forty six years. They can't compete with me, no one can."
Joining Trump and his clowns will be two other acts that signed early this morning,  Groucho and his trained monkeys Burp and Fart and the very first Miss Universe, Mini Monroe, who was disqualified for eating too many sugar filled muffins.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will review the show and post our thoughts later in the month.  There are still tickets left for anyone looking for something to do this weekend.


Monday, January 16, 2017

POPE ENDORSES OFF THE WALL NEWS AT NEW YEARS CELEBRATION

IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE FOR A POPE, POPE FRANCES REVEALED HIS FAVORITE NEWS SOURCE AT A NEW YEARS GALA, GIVING DAVE TAYLOR A NOD AS THE BEST JOURNALIST.....

ROME, ITALY

It is not in the norm for a news organization to report about itself, but when divine intervention is involved, OFF THE WALL news is happy to be abnormal. 

Pope Frances, attending his first New Years gala for 2017 made the rounds meeting with dignitaries from around the world.  There was talk of world peace, the church's financial status, classic rock music, and current news events. Surrounded by journalist from every corner of the world, he was asked if he had a favorite news organization when it came to getting news he could find nowhere else. 
The Pope shaded his eyes with his hand and scanned the crowd before spotting OFF THE WALL news's Dave Taylor by the bar, holding a bottle of  Blue Moon.  He smiled and quickly gave Taylor a thumbs up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I get my news from that man over there, Dave Taylor who leads a crack team of reporters from my favorite news source, OFF THE WALL news."
Thumbs up, Dave!
There was a moment of silence before someone began clapping, soon the clapping became a thundering applause.  The Pope continued to give Taylor the thumbs up until the applause died down and the crowd thinned to one or two. The Pope then joined Taylor at the bar and the two men sipped martinis and reminisced about events of last year until well past midnight.

OFF THE WALL news readers will remember that last year, the Pope and Taylor spent time together at an AC/DC concert and cruising around Bridgeport at midnight in Taylor's 1963 Chevy convertible.   As Taylor put it in a memo later that year, "Friendships are more important than money."

Getting the Pope's blessing may be a testament to that. We hope you follow the Pope's advice and continue to get your news here at OFF THE WALL NEWS.



Sunday, January 15, 2017

TWO OFF SHORE COMPANIES PLAN TO RELOCATE TO BRIDGEPORT

CLOSET SECRETS AND NO STRINGS ATTACHED, OWNED AND OPERATED BY FORMER BRIDGEPORT MAYOR, IS MOVING BOTH HOME OFFICES TO BRIDGEPORT......

BRIDGEPORT, MN


"Sheba", before & inflated.
Former long time Mayor of Bridgeport, Ben Dover, announced yesterday he is heeding President Elect Trump's request and moving his companies back to the United States from Copenhagen. Both companies, Closet Secrets, the maker of "Sheba" the premium inflatable doll and No Strings Attached, maker of fine air guitars, will be open by March 1, 2017 if all goes well.
Unnamed sources told OFF THE WALL news that Dover and President Elect Trump
 Best selling air guitar, "Stratocruiser 7"
have had business dealings in the past, with Trump making rather "Yuge" purchases from Dover's company.  When questioned, Dover would not say which company the purchases were made from, but our same sources revealed that the President Elect was not all that musically inclined.

In a separate news conference, Dover told Bridgeport city fathers, his companies would employ over five or six people, before giving each of them a new "Stratocrusier 7" air guitar .  OFF THE WALL news plans to monitor the business openings.



Saturday, January 14, 2017

FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH FELL ON A FRIDAY.... AGAIN!

A BILL TO MAKE FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH A HOLIDAY AND MOVE TO MONDAYS IS HIGH ON THE AGENDA FOR THE NEW CONGRESS......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Much to the dismay of many in Congress this new session, Friday the thirteenth once again fell on Friday, causing many of the superstitious congressmen and women to delay plans for beginning an early weekend.
The next Friday the Thirteenth is scheduled in October this year, making it even more chilling because of Halloween.

"This is fixable!" exclaimed a congressional leader hiding in a closet, who was given anonymity in exchange for spilling his guts. "I have written a bill that would make Friday the Thirteenth a federal holiday, sending it to Mondays in the future, securing superstitious free three day weekends for all!"
When questioned about the reasoning of such a bill, he replied with a question,  "A well rested congress, can get more done, can't they?"  OFF THE WALL news will be following the calendar and alert our readers of any changes.

Friday, January 13, 2017

STICKMAN TO UNDERGO SURGERY TO CHANGE HIS IDENTITY AND FULFILL A DREAM

THE SAME STICKMAN WHO WAS LOST AND MIRACULOUSLY FOUND IN A GIANT LOG JAM IN 2015, HAS ANNOUNCED HE WILL SOON BECOME A MATCHSTICK......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Stickman, whose familiar image is known world wide, who became lost in one of the worst log jams on the upper Mississippi River, (See the OFF THE WALL news stories of Oct. 6,7, 2015) is in the news once again.  He has decided to fulfill one of his biggest dreams and become a matchstick.
Stickman, as he looks today.
On Thursday evening the Ruby Match Company and Stickman held a joint press conference on the steps of the OFF THE WALL news office, to announce the upcoming operation.
Stickman after the operation
Ruby Match Company CEO, Nick Woods stood beside a expressionless Stickman and thanked him for choosing Ruby Match over all the other match companies.  "The match companies of the world have received little attention over the last 40 years due to the inexpensive pocket butane lighters." he said into a microphone. "But today, thanks to the dreams of world famous Stickman, that is about to change.  His dream of becoming a small beacon of light will light up the world!"
Stickman will say goodbye to family and friends this weekend before checking into the Ruby Match Company factory on Monday.  Critics, who have long called Stickman a hot head are speechless this morning, knowing once he becomes a match stick, their criticism of him will have come true. OFF THE WALL news will cover the story as it unfolds.


Tuesday, January 10, 2017

KELLYANNE CONWAY: GIVE TRUMP A CHANCE!

WITH THE SWEARING IN JUST OVER A WEEK AWAY, CONWAY WANTS TO MAKE SURE THINGS GO TRUMP'S WAY.....

NEW YORK, NY

According to newly appointed Presidential Advisor, Kellyanne Conway, President Elect Donald Trump is receiving unwarranted personal attacks that are causing him to lose sleep and they should "just stop!"
Conway met numerous members of the press this morning for a news conference before giving OFF THE WALL news an exclusive interview. She met with Dave Taylor in a Trump Tower coffee shop where she sipped coffee between nibbling on a huge frosted long john.
"I like these things", she said with fluttering eyes, "Except they're so sticky."  When asked to expand on her earlier remark about Trump's receiving personal attracts, she took a second to remove a small bit of white frosted coating from her cheek.  "There better not be any cameras in here!" she said with a grin.  When assured she would not be photographed while enjoying her long john, she continued.
"You think Meryl Streep's attack on Mr. Trump Sunday night is the only flack he's getting?  That's just the tip of the ice burg!  The poor man can't even look in the mirror anymore for fear of seeing someone behind him.  I want your readers to know, we have to give Mr. Trump a chance. He deserves a chance to show what he's got."
She took a sip of coffee and wiped another glob of sugar coating from the tip of her nose then opened up her notebook.  "I mean, they are giving Kim Jong Un a chance aren't they?  And he never had any political experience.  North Korea has gone from a agricultural based society to almost becoming a super power, right?  How can anyone become great if they are constantly attacked by the likes of Meryl Streep?  Let's give Trump a chance to shake things up!" 
At that point she dropped the last half of her long john into her lap and the remainder of the interview was called off.  OFF THE WALL news will continue to follow the Trump phenomenon into the first 100 days of his presidency.

Monday, January 9, 2017

TRUMP ANNOUNCES CHOICE FOR WHITE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE CHIEF

THE ANNOUNCEMENT CAME WITHOUT FANFARE, JUST A SIMPLE TWEET STATING GARY BUSEY HAD BEEN CHOSEN FOR THE TOP INTELLIGENCE POST........

NEW YORK, NY.

Gary Busey as he heard the news.
No one knows for sure when Donald Trump sleeps, but he must have had a restless night last night, for this morning brought with it a rash of night time tweets by the President Elect.  Of the eight or ten that strived for some sort of semblance, the appointment of actor and former Celebrity Apprentice contestant Gary Busey to become Intelligence Chief, took the prize.

Busey was elated and said he wanted to hug something after being told of Trump's naming him to the position.  "Tell Mr. Trump, I  accept!" he exclaimed. "And tell him I owe him a hug, a yuuge hug!"

Trump could not be reached for comment this afternoon and was thought to be napping.

Thursday, January 5, 2017

TRUMP MISTAKENLY APPOINTS JACK BAUER AS HEAD OF WHITE HOUSE SECURITY

IN A LAST MINUTE SURPRISE MOVE PRESIDENT ELECT TRUMP NAMES SPECIAL AGENT JACK BAUER WHITE HOUSE SECURITY CHIEF BEFORE CHANGING HIS MIND....

WASHINGTON D.C.

Before Kellyanne Conway could stop him, Trump sent out a tweet naming Jack Bauer as his security chief.  "Jack's been protecting Presidents for a long time, he's the best!"
Conway arrived at Trump Tower thirty minutes later and took Trump into a private office.
Jack Bauer of  "24"
A few minutes later the two emerged from the office arm in arm.  Conway was smiling and Trump wore a sheepish grin as they approached reporters near an elevator.  Trump was the first to speak.
"Kellyanne tells me that you media people, who take up space here in my building, fell for my little joke earlier. Just as I told Melania and Don Jr., you media people believe anything and everything I say.  If you had done some fact checking, you'd know that Jack Bauer is a fictional character played by a good friend of mine, Donald Sutherland."
Dennis Rodman  A"fun guy."
Conway quickly corrected him, "Mr. Trump means Kiefer Sutherland."
"Yes, that's the one," Trump said smiling and then continued. "The person I'm really bringing on board as my security chief is Dennis Rodman.  He's my kind of a fun guy and has promised to introduce me to Kim Jung Un." 
Conway's face turned white and she pulled Trump into the elevator before he could take any questions from the media.  OFF THE WALL news will get the facts and report them to all.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

ELVIS SPOTTED IN THE CLOUDS OVER GRACELAND

HUNDREDS OF FAITHFUL ELVIS FANS WITNESSED HIS IMAGE FOR A BRIEF FEW MINUTES AS OTHERS SAID IT WAS TRUMP'S IMAGE.....

MEMPHIS, TN.

Women fainted and men cried at the sight of Elvis in the clouds.
Hundreds of Elvis fans were standing in line Sunday at the main gate waiting for Graceland to open when someone cried out, "It's him, up there look, it's him!" Heads turned upward and someone else yelled, "Is it Trump?" Followed by someone else, No, it's the king...it's Elvis!"

The sun came streaming over the cloud making the image seem to be wearing a crown. Somewhere on the grounds of Graceland a bell began to ring and women began fainting and many of the men in line began weeping.  OFF THE WALL new's senior editor and anchor, Dave Taylor was there by chance to cover a story about Elvis's grave and witnessed the strange phenomenon first hand. He took the photo shown in this report and admitted that he couldn't stop shaking as he did so, "Man, I was all shook up!"
The image lasted for about three minutes before the wind aloft erased the image, causing mass moaning from the crowd. 
As the crowd began to disperse, there were a few who still insisted the image was that of Donald Trump.These same doubters however were surprised to learn later they had taken the wrong bus and were not at Trump Tower. They promptly boarded the Trailways Bus for New York City and left town.