Tuesday, February 28, 2017

TRUMP HAS MELANIA ROUNDED UP AND DEPORTED

IN A MIX UP MUCH LIKE THE ONE AT SUNDAY'S ACADEMY AWARDS, TRUMP SIGNING ORDERS TO ROUND UP IMMIGRANTS, MISTAKENLY SIGNS AN ORDER TO DEPORT HIS WIFE MELANIA......

NEW YORK, NY.

Melania Trump being escorted to the deportation field.
In a hastily planned meeting in the Oval Office an hour before Trump was escorted to tonight's Address to Congress, Trump was mistakenly handed a deportation notice with his wife Melania's name on it. Not known to read what he signs, he signed the decree and left for the event.
Melania was seen at the address, but mysteriously disappeared during a powder-room visit. Deportation officers were seen escorting her out to an armored Homeland Security vehicle. 
OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to learn she was flown back to the Trump's New York penthouse apartment, where she picked up a few articles of clothing, before being taken to the deportation center.
Trump was told of the mix up with the deportation decree after his speech and true to his nature, would not admit that he had made a mistake.  "This sounds like a dirty trick perpetrated by a left over Obama staffer," he told a group of Senators who were following him around taking selfies as they walked together. "It's a down right dirty trick and we'll find out who slipped that card into the signing stack! I'll have Melania home in no time, you can count on that."  He appeared distraught until first daughter Ivanka promised to stay with him at the White House until officials could free Melania.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will keep abreast of this story and report any updates.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

BANNON IS CAUGHT IN A WEEKEND FOOD ORGY

PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER STEVE BANNON, IS BLAMING WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN STAFF FOR LEAKING NEWS AND PHOTOS OF HIS WEEKEND FOOD ORGY, SAYS HEADS WILL ROLL......

WASHINGTON, D.C.


Steve Bannon was photographed in bed with some of his favorites
In what some are calling a pornographic and obscene food orgy at the White House, others are saying it just didn't happen.  Trump, upon seeing the pictures, called them fake. "Not even Steve, could eat that much pizza." he told OFF THE WALL NEWS.  "These pictures are real, but everything you see in them is fake."

Meanwhile a White House steward, gave unnamed sources a tape recorded version of the said orgy.  On the tape were sounds of a man howling, grunting, giggling, belching, along with a bed squeaking, heaving breathing, and paper bags being ripped open, followed by more moaning.
Bannon ordered the White House locked down after he said he heard snickering outside his private room.  When later pressed by Press Secretary Sean Spicer, about the huge number of empty food containers and boxes scattered about his room and hallway , Bannon blamed the kitchen janitors and said heads would roll come Monday. There were also reports of pizza sauce stains on his bed sheets.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will continue to follow this story.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

TRUMP PLANNING TO DISCOURAGE IMMIGRANTS FROM COMING TO OUR SHORES

NEW LEAKS COMING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE REVEAL PLANS TO REMOVE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY  AND REPLACE IT WITH A 300 FOOT TALL STATUE OF TRUMP ....

WASHINGTON D.C.
 "You are not welcome here."
Thanks to a few brave "leakers" in the White House, OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to learn of a secret plot to remove the Statue of Liberty from Ellis Island and replace it with a giant likeness of Donald Trump, standing on a base with a plaque reading, "You Are Not Welcome Here!"

Those in the know said the statue is being cast in concrete and will have a very thin skin of bronze covering it.  Trump has been carefully overseeing the project and was especially concerned about the size of the leaf in the genital area.  A leaf twice the original size was finally sculpted  into place with the approval of First Daughter Ivanka. "Daddy's bigger than life and he should have a big leaf!" she quipped, with a playful smile.

Trump is very pleased with the statue and keeping true to his television rating roots, began tweeting teaser promotions about the new statue.  In one he said, "It's coming and it's gonna be big!"  A few minutes later he tweeted, "It makes Miss Liberty look weak, really weak."  And then, "It's gonna have big hands, really big hands, and you know what that means."

Democrats on the Hill hope to get enough help from across the isle, to prevent the statue from replacing the Statue of Liberty.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there for the final vote.


Thursday, February 16, 2017

PRIVATE OFFICE CAM RECORDS MAN'S HEAD EXPLODE AS HE READS POLITITICAL HEADLINES

IN WHAT IS BEING CALLED A FREAK OFFICE ACCIDENT A FIFTY FOUR YEAR OLD OFFICE WORKER WAS KILLED WHEN HIS HEAD EXPLODED WHILE READING THE HEADLINES FROM TODAY'S WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE.....
Man's name has been withheld.

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

An office worker, whose name is being withheld until a positive I.D. can be made, died instantly while reading political headlines at his desk today.  The death, captured on the company's office cam, was shocking but not totally unexpected.  The employee, who is being called Bang, until his identification can be cross referenced with his I.D. badge, had been showing signs of extreme frustration with the news coming out of Washington D.C. and was beginning to swear under his breath as co-workers sat near by.
One co-worker, Ella Vadder sat at the desk just in front of Bang's and heard him rustling the newspaper and saying F words a few seconds before she heard a loud bang and felt something warm splatter on her neck.  "It was awful!" she told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "Like most of us here in the office, he's been getting pretty riled up over the White House bunch, but I guess it got to be too much for (Bang), I never thought the poor guy would end up losing his head over it though."

OFF THE WALL NEWS would like to warn  readers faint of heart, or with weak stomachs  to not look at the picture captured on the office cam and shown with this story. More news will be reported about this tragedy as it becomes available.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

KELLYANNE CONWAY TO GET PRIME TIME REPRIMAND FOR BREAKING ETHICS RULES

IN AN UNPRECEDENTED MOVE, PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL REPRIMAND HIS TOP ADVISOR KELLYANNE CONWAY, LIVE ON NATIONAL T.V. DURING AN INFOMERCIAL OF IVANKA TRUMP CLOTHING AND ACCESSORIES...... 

NEW YORK, NY.

Promo teaser for upcoming reprimand show
Democrats are seeing red again this morning after Trump announced his latest "Make America Great Again" ploy.  In a statement from Mar-a-Lago, his winter White House, he said, "I'm being told Kellyanne, needs to be punished for hawking Ivanka's clothing line on Fox News. I really don't see anything wrong with that as Ivanka has a great clothing line, some people say the best clothing line there is. However to prove how strict I can be, I will reprimand Kellyanne live during Ivanka's upcoming QVC infomercial. The true Americans who count on me, will not only see Ivanka's best line of clothing and accessories, but will see Kellyanne get what she has coming to her." 
News sources say a clip of the reprimand rehearsal, which lasted for hours, was leaked on purpose to spark interest in hopes of getting Ivanka's infomercial better ratings.
Kellyanne was questioned just outside the White House and told reporters she wished all women could be as lucky as she was to have a boss like President Trump reprimand her all afternoon.  "I've learned my lesson." she said with a wink.  OFF THE WALL NEWS  will continue to probe for more details.
 

Thursday, February 9, 2017

RUMORS ABOUT TRUMP'S TRUE IDENTITY SURFACE AFTER SCHOOL PICTURE IS REVEALED

TRUMP DENIES IT IS HIM IN THE PICTURE, CLAIMING HE IS BETTER LOOKING, YET REFUSES TO TAKE A DNA TEST......


WASHINGTON, D.C.

Less than three weeks into his new presidency rumors are flying around Washington that the man who now holds the title of POTUS may be in the middle of the biggest prank ever.
Donald J. Trump
 The photo in question arrived early this morning at the news offices of OFF THE WALL NEWS, Washington D.C.'s most unbelievable news organizations and was quickly analyzed for authenticity.  Found to be an authentic photograph, the White House was notified before the photo was passed on to the news pool.
Trump responded in a tweet.  "The picture is fake. I can tell. Even a blind guy could tell, it's not me. No way. I'm better looking."
Steve Bannon?
The picture looked to have been cut out of a school yearbook and while the name under the picture says Donald J. Trump, T.V. scholars are saying it's a dead ringer for Eddie Haskell from 1950s television and sounds like the kind of prank Haskell would pull.
Trump has been asked to take a DNA test, but refuses, saying as President, he doesn't have to.
Washington insiders are wondering if Haskell didn't grow up and change his name to Donald J.Trump as a giant gag.  If so, who is the person calling himself Steve Bannon?  Could it be Lumpy Rutherford?  OFF THE WALL NEWS plans to investigate.





Wednesday, February 8, 2017

TRUMP SAYS HE WILL PRODUCE NEW TV SHOW TITLED "ABOVE THE LAW"

SAYING PREVIOUS PRESIDENTS PLAYED GOLF, IN HIS TIME OFF HE PLANS TO PRODUCE A WILD WEST REALITY T.V SHOW WHERE HE WILL PLAY HIMSELF AS A SHERIFF THAT IS...... ABOVE THE LAW!

WASHINGTON, D.C.
  Trump's new TV show "Above the Law" is full of staffers and special guests

Promising it to be better than classic old T.V. Westerns like Gun Smoke or even his teen favorite, Bonanza, Trump has been working on a new western themed reality show that puts him in the spotlight.  "People want to see me." he tweeted.  "They like me so much, they made me their President."
OFF THE WALL NEWS first learned of this undertaking when our embedded reporter talked directly to Trump while the two shared a restroom in the White House.  This is her report.
Trump came into the restroom and immediately started practicing walking like John Wayne.  "How do I look?" he asked.   (Note: Our reporter is disguised as a male and undercover.) "I mean isn't this just how the Duke walked in True Grit?"
I quickly praised his swaggering walk.  Trump used this as an opening to spill his guts.
"You know since I left the Celebrity Apprentice, the show has tanked and I get cards from all my fans begging me to come back to T.V.  I figured since I'm now President and above the law, I could make a T.V. show about it and to make it fun, I'd make it a Western."  Trump then pretended to draw an imaginary six-shooter and shoot himself in the mirror.
"Everyone on my staff said it would be fun, even Mitch McConnell said he'd be in it and play an old prospector.  This is gonna be good.  I mean really good.  We're gonna have foreign dignitaries on the show and trick them into live on air shoot outs.  I've even got Gary Busey for comic relief." He then turned to me and winked.  "What until you see me and Putin  ride off into the sunset at the end of the first show."
His phone rang and he was called away. I could hear him swearing under his breath as he left the restroom.
OFF THE WALL NEWS was able to obtain some footage of the pilot episode. a still of the opening scene, is shown above.




LOCAL CHAINSAW OPERATOR ARRESTED FOR SAFETY VIOLATIONS

WOODSMAN STOPPED BY SHERIFF AS HE ATTEMPTS TO START HIS CHAINSAW......


BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Peter Fingeroff, 43, of Bridgeport was overheard boasting about his chainsaw skills at Loony's Bar and Grill early yesterday morning, prompting a call to the local authorities. Patrons at Loony's told OFF THE WALL NEWS that Fingeroff was about "three sheets to the wind" when he left to cut timber.
An hour later Bridgeport County Sheriff Bul Dozer, caught up to Fingeroff south of town where he was just getting ready to start his chainsaw.
Sheriff's photo of Fingeroff starting his chainsaw

Sheriff Dozer stopped Fingeroff and charged him with the following violations:
Not wearing safety glasses.
Not wearing ear plugs.
Not wearing safety gloves.
Not wearing a safety helmet.
All punishable by a $50. fine.

The Sheriff said he also wanted to charge Fingeroff with improper positioning of the chainsaw while trying to start it, but there is no law against holding a chainsaw between your legs.  Fingeroff was booked into the county jail and said he plans to appeal the fines.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

AS PROMISED, PRESIDENT RECEIVES GAME BALL FROM BRADY

TAKING A RARE BREAK FROM SIGNING PRESIDENTIAL EXECUTIVE ORDERS, TRUMP PERSONALLY MET THE USP DRIVER AT THE WHITE HOUSE BACK DOOR FOR A SPECIAL DELIVERY PACKAGE FROM TOM BRADY......

WASHINGTON D.C.

"I'd like to give Tom a cabinet post to control inflation."
President Trump was all smiles Monday after receiving and then putting on display for the world to see, the Super Bowl game ball from Tom Brady. 
"This game ball means more to me than the massage I got from Kellyanne during the game." he told White House staffers.  He was speaking of his top advisor, Kellyanne Conway who worked feverishly massaging him, to control his rage after the Patriots fell behind 25 to 3 just before halftime in the game.

After receiving the ball, he carried it with him all day long on Monday, taking it to his private quarters at day's end.  Then the tweets started.  "I congratulate the Patriots on a terrific come back!" was the first one, followed by, "I hope the Atlanta Losers have learned a lesson."  "As for Tom Brady, I'd like to give him a cabinet  post, to control inflation. He'd be good at that."


Monday, February 6, 2017

IN A SHOW OF CAMARADERIE BRADY SAVES DEFLATED GAME BALL FOR TRUMP

TRUMP COULD NOT CONTROL HIS EMOTIONS AFTER THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS  DEFEATED THE ATLANTA FALCONS IN THE SUPERBOWL ON SUNDAY ESPECIALLY AFTER TOM BRADY PROMISED HIM THE GAME BALL....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

This is for Donald!
Trump was tense for the first three quarters of the game Sunday as his favorite team trailed by a "Yuge" margin. 
The commercials did little to brighten his mood, with all the subliminal messages about immigrants and togetherness and it wasn't till the game became tied  at the end, that he got his cockiness back.
He texted Brady just before the overtime period began and Brady promised him it was in the bag.  "We've been using my balls this last quarter," he told Trump in a text. "I'll save the game ball for you!"
The Patriots won the toss and moved the ball down the field to win.  As Brady came to the sidelines he held up the deflated ball and told reporters, "This is for Donald!"
Trump ran off to his private tweet room and sent out a tweet about how much he hated losers and sent it off to Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will file another report when President Trump receives the game ball.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

ELEVATOR MUSIC LEGEND DIES IN FALL DOWN ELEVATOR SHAFT

BARRY KUUL, FAMED LEAD GUITAR PLAYER FOR THE SHAFT, A POPULAR ELEVATOR MUSIC BAND FELL TO HIS DEATH DURING A LIVE CONCERT PROMOTING THE GRAND OPENING OF A NEW ELEVATOR IN THE BRIDGEPORT BANK BUILDING.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Barry Kuul
The lights in the Bridgeport Bank building have been dimmed to half brightness to show respect for Barry Kuul, lead guitarist for The Shaft, the local elevator music band that made it big.  Kuul and his gang of elevator music musicians were at the elevator entrance on the twenty fifth floor, when Kuul went into a frenzied guitar solo.  Unbeknownst to him the elevator door opened and he backed into the elevator, falling twenty five stories to his death.  Witnesses said they heard him playing all the way down.
A roadie looks down shaft
Kuul, also wrote most of the music his band recorded for elevators everywhere. While on tour in Japan, in 2010, he was mobbed by elevator music fans and had to spend a week in seclusion before continuing the tour.  The Shaft's Greatest Hits Album was released just last week with the song "I'm On My Way Up" reaching number two on Billboard charts, followed by "I've Got That Down Feeling", coming in at number twelve.

Kuul will be missed, but not far away.  He wanted to be buried at the bottom of a shaft when he died and his wishes will be honored according Bridgeport Bank President John Cash. 
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will attend the funeral and report any elevated news.


Friday, February 3, 2017

PRESIDENT BRAKES ARM DURING AN ANTI-SCHWARZENEGGER RALLY

TRUMP, FEELING COCKY AFTER BERATING SCHWARZENEGGER'S T.V. RATINGS ON  APPRENTICE, TRIED PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK AND BROKE HIS ARM....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

For those in the room, it made a horrible sound.  Some winced, while others rushed up to President Trump to comfort him. Fighting back tears, he let a visiting Boy Scout put his right arm in a sling until the medical staff could reset the bone.
"A good pat on the back is worth it."
"I don't know why I'm the one that always has to pat my back." he whimpered. "There should be a line waiting."
Trump was in a small meeting room, not far from the Oval Office telling advisers and members of an anti-Austrian group, visiting the White House that NBC should have never hired Arnold Schwarzenegger to replace him on the Celebrity Apprentice.
"I'm irreplaceable," he told the group. "And the way he talks ain't good, is it?  I don't think so.  I mean he say's, 'your terminated!', what the hell does that mean?! You have to speak English."
He received a round of applause, which fed his ego. He quickly stood up on a chair and proclaimed, "No one gets better ratings than me!"  He then tried  reaching around to give himself a pat on the back, snapping a bone in his arm. 
"This is Schwarzenegger's fault, believe me." he said on the way out. "He'll pay for the doctor's fees."
OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be here to announce any updates.