Wednesday, March 29, 2017

TRUMP CREATING JOBS AS PROMISED

TO QUICKLY MOVE FORWARD AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE, TRUMP  HAS CREATED NEW JOBS IN THE WHITE HOUSE  FOR HIS SON-IN-LAW JARED KUSHNER AND DAUGHTER IVANKA,  THERE ARE MORE JOBS TO COME.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Hoping to bounce back from defeat of his first major bill, the repeal and replacement of Obamacare, President Trump has moved to unveil his jobs creation bill. Son-in-law Jared was given the title of "Commandant" and will be overseeing everything in the White House, including the dinner menus.  His office will be in the West Wing and he will have a staff of "newbies" to run things when he and family are out of town on ski weekends.
Trump moves in front of Jared for photo
Ivanka, whom her brothers say knows Daddy best, was also given an office in the West Wing and   the unofficial title of "DG". (Daddy's Girl?) She will be Trump's eyes and ears in the White House to help keep tract of who says and does what. Both Jared and Ivanka will have Secret Clearances and their own Facebook accounts.
Trump is also creating a new position in the White House for son Baron. 
"I want to know what the nation's kids are thinking and who better than my son Baron can I trust to keep me abreast of what is going on?  He will have his own office and staff and I'm looking for very good things to come of it. I mean who knows kids better than kids, right?"
OFF THE WALL NEWS will be following the workings of the inner circle at the White House closely and follow it until it all comes tumbling down.


Tuesday, March 28, 2017

TRUMP REVEALS NEW OVAL OFFICE PAINTING

HOPING TO APPEASE DEMOCRATS BEFORE THE UPCOMING SUPREME COURT GORSUCH VOTE, TRUMP HANGS PAINTING OF OBAMA ON OVAL OFFICE WALL AS VICE PRESIDENT PENCE NODS AND NODS HIS HEAD IN APPROVAL.......

WASHINGTON D.C.

The oval office took on a new look this morning as a huge painting of former President Barack Obama was placed on the wall, close to Trump's desk.  Vice President Pence was asked by Trump what he thought and Pence grinned while doing his best bobble head impression.
"I'm very bipartisan, believe me." Trump told the photographer "And so is Mike
The White House photographer was summoned to snap a picture for the archives and was asked by Trump, "Are you sure you have color film in that camera?"
Not sure if the President was serious or not, the photographer smiled and told the President it was a digital camera and there wasn't any film involved.  Trump suppressed a vague expression, before looking at Pence and then looking back to the photographer, "I knew that, I was just making a joke. I want people to know just how funny I am."
Mike Pence,  his head bobbing again and not knowing what to do with his hands,  stood  looking at the back of Trump's head and did his best to look official.  Once the photo shoot was finished and the photographer was gone, Trump had the painting removed and replaced it with one of  Ivanka wearing a bikini.
OFF THE WALL NEWS has a reporter embedded in the White House who works 24/7 to bring these reports.

Monday, March 27, 2017

TRUMP AND RYAN RECONCILE AFTER HEALTH CARE DEFEAT

LEAKED DASH CAM PICTURE OF TRUMP AND RYAN SHOWS THE TWO LETTING OFF STEAM AFTER FAILING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE LAST FRIDAY.......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Leaked dash cam photo shows Trump and Ryan are buds
Just hours after Ryan and Trump decided to skip the House vote on repealing Obamacare, many thought President Trump would blame Speaker Ryan for the failure.  As it turned out, it appeared the two men were having a bromance as they were secretly scurried out of Washington to an undisclosed location where Ryan had a vehicle stored.  The two spent the next few hours alone cruising the streets and experimenting with what looked like in a dash cam photo,  a recreational drug.
The White House told OFF THE WALL NEWS there was never any danger to anyone as the roads Ryan drove on were blocked to civilian traffic and the Secret Service followed close behind.



DEBT HELPERS OF AMERICA FILES FOR CHAPTER 11

THE LARGEST DEBT COMPANY IN AMERICA HAS FILED FOR BANKRUPTCY AFTER BEING SUED IN A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT,  CEO CLAIMS NOTHING IS WRONG.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Debt Helpers of America (DHOA), the company whose TV ads promised help in obtaining huge debt fast, is out of business as of 12:01 a.m. this morning.  DHOA CEO, Darrel Dicks has filed a counter suit and says his company is all above board.
Wanda Rount and some of the items that put her into debt
The plaintiff who started the class action lawsuit and whose name is on the lawsuit is Wanda Rount, 36, of Bridgeport. She claims DHOA helped her accumulate massive debt by selling her hundreds of items she didn't need.

DHOA, in a tweet to OFF THE WALL NEWS claims Ms. Rount signed an agreement to purchase literally hundreds of items from DHOA business clients. "We fulfilled our promise to help Ms. Rount accumulate debt."

OFF THE WALL NEWS obtained a partial list of some of the items Ms. Rounts purchased.  On that list are items such as three 60" flat screen TVs, two bird baths, numerous garden tools, 57 lawn chairs, and 6 pair or roller skates. From Zip's Lawn Service, she purchased a garden tractor, a plow, and ten miles of fencing. The list goes on and on.  "I'll never get out of debt!" she cried to the judge, "Not unless I win this lawsuit."
As long as DHOA has Chapter 11 protection, people like Wanda Rount, will have to deal with their debt. Ms. Rount plans to have a yard sale next weekend and hopes to recoup some of her lost bank account.
If you too think you have been duped by DHOA call 1-800-DUM-BASS and leave your name and number.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

NEW LOOK FOR OFF THE WALL NEWS HAS READERS EXCITED

SAYING IT IS A BOLD LOOK FORWARD, MANAGING EDITOR AND LEAD REPORTER DAVE TAYLOR IS STAKING HIS DINNER THAT THE NEW LOOK OF OFF THE WALL NEWS, WILL BE A YUGE SUCCESS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

It is not often that a major news organization such as OFF THE WALL NEWS changes the look of its front page, but after much consideration and the help of recreational drugs, the decision was made. Managing Editor and Lead Reporter, Dave Taylor told stock holders he made the decision late last night after the ideas he was having turned into a blurred image.

Dave Taylor waited for a vision
Taylor said the idea to revamp the front page came about after reading  headlines about the Pope on news magazines in a grocery store check out line. "We can do better", he told a customer behind him, "I know the Pope personally." and he immediately began thinking about such a change.

He welcomes any comments and will respond to them time permitting.
As of this printing he and his crack team of reporters are scouring the news wires for the news that others look away from, the news that makes OFF THE WALL NEWS the news to live by, no matter how it is packaged.  Will the Pope marry his grade school sweetheart?  If it happens, you'll read the back story here first....and you can take that to the bank!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

BRIDGEPORT MEDICAL CLINIC TO TREAT WOMAN WITH WOOD ROT IN HER WOODEN LEGS

HER PHYSICIAN CLAIMED HIS PATIENT HAS BEEN COMPLAINING OF HAVING A HOLLOW FEELING IN HER LEGS AND A SIMPLE BORE UNCOVERED THE ROT....

BRIDGEPORT, MN

Doctors at the Bridgeport Medical Clinic (BMC) decided to admit the woman, whose name is being withheld because of  medical privacy laws, in hopes of chipping away at a cure for her condition.  To aid readers and avoid confusion in this story, she is being called Ms.Stump.

BMC lead physician, Dr. Forrest Fyre told OFF THE WALL NEWS Ms. Stump was resting comfortably after having over 15 ounces of rotted saw dust  material cleaned from wounds in both legs.
Ms. Stump  after being attacked by a Pileated Woodpecker.

Ms. Stump told doctors she first noticed the hollow feeling in her legs after walking in the woods and being attacked by a Pileated Woodpecker. "I tried to run", she said, "But I felt like I was rooted in one spot and the Woodpecker did his thing with me."  She failed to report the attack until she started losing strips of bark on both legs, leading to a hollow feeling as the rot set in.

Ms. Stump received her wooden legs as a child after misusing a chainsaw on her uncles Christmas tree farm. As no prosthetic legs were available at the time, a quick thinking Eagle Scout suggested using some young Birch limbs. The limbs were grafted onto her hips and  not rejected by her body, delighting her wood carver father.  The Eagle Scout received a merit badge in the process and now is a Forrest Ranger in the Red Wood Forest. 
Meanwhile doctors at BMC have been busy grafting new bark on her shins as well as removing beetle larva embedded in body cavities.  If she continues to improve, (knock on wood) Ms. Stump will be released and be able to return to work at her father's wood carving store, where she is a model.
"Life is good!" she cheerfully told OFF THE WALL NEWS. "Once I'm cured, I plan to float down the river and relax before returning to work." 


Sunday, March 12, 2017

TRUMP LEARNS OF HUGE METEOR ON COLLISION COURSE WITH EARTH, VOWS TO BUILD THE HIGHEST WALL EVER

HE SAYS THE SCIENTIST ARE KNOWN FOR CLIMATE CHANGE HOAXES, BUT TO BE SAFE  HE WILL BUILD A SUPER WALL TO PROTECT AMERICA AND THE WORLD FROM THE DEADLY METEOR....

WASHINGTON D.C.

We're gonna be safe, I can tell you that.
In a welcome diversion from his wild  tweets a week ago about Obama wire tapping his phones, Trump learned this morning of a giant meteor headed for Earth, slated for an August 4th impact. 
NASA scientists alerted the White House last night and told staffers of their discovery.  Staffers in turn contacted Trump via twitter at his Florida Mar-a-Lago estate.  
He asked about the size of the space rock and was told it is the size of New Zealand. He quickly had Sean Spicer, who is traveling with him this weekend as an apprentice, to google New Zealand and then tweeted, "That meteor is Yuge!"  before calling  Fox News.

Photo from space of impending doom
"This puts a lot of pressure on the President of the United States and it's a good thing I won in a landslide." he told Fox News anchor Martha MacCallum. "I don't think Hillary could  take the pressure I'm under all the time. By the way, did you see the ten million people at my inauguration? The pictures lied.  Let me tell you, this meteor thing might be a hoax but we don't have to worry about it because I'm going to build another wall and it's going to be like no other. It's gonna be a Super wall!  I'm instructing my builders to build this wall 1000 miles long and 300045 feet high!  It's gonna create thousands of jobs, did I tell you that, and we're gonna be safe."
He was asked about the cost and he quickly replied, "Paul Ryan has assured me he is adjusting Social Security and Medicare so we'll have plenty of money for projects like this wall. Paul Ryan is like a brother to me, him and Mitch both and because I'll be saving the world, I will charge all other countries  their fair share also, believe me. Tell China, tell Iran, tell them all."

OFF THE WALL NEWS will be monitoring this development until its completion.