Sunday, April 23, 2017

BONELESS CHICKEN CONTROVERSY LANDS IN COURT

LOCAL CHICKEN FARMER WANTING TO CASH IN ON THE BONELESS CHICKEN CRAZE OPENED TWO ROADSIDE STANDS ADVERTISING "NATURAL" BONELESS CHICKEN BEFORE BEING CLOSED FOR FALSE ADVERTISING .........

BRIDGEPORT, MN.


According to Y.R. Coop, 56, of rural Bridgeport, business was boiling hot before Sheriff Rol Ova drove on to Coop's farmstead Friday with a stop and desist order.  Sheriff Ova told reporters he was only doing his job making Coop stop selling his "boneless" chicken after a local court ordered him to do so.
"Humpty Plump", Minnesota's largest chicken breeder and producer of Humpty Plump Boneless Chicken (like) Pieces, cried "foul" when they learned of Coop's enterprise and filed a decree in court, saying Coop was confusing it's customers.  Plump's attorney, Chris P. Bacon told the court, the Coop claim that he was selling boneless chicken was a ploy to sell eggs.  Coop, who defended himself, told the court, Humpty Plump could not prove there was not a boneless chicken in each "natural" container.
"This is a shell game!" protested Bacon, "And Plump plans to crack this game wide open." To which Coop loudly replied, "Your Honor, Mr. Bacon is proving himself a basket case!"
Judge Sol T. Hamm ordered a recess to allow the court participants to cool off and so he could study the definition of boneless chicken.  Judge Hamm if you recall, was also the active judge on the buffalo wings ruling last year, where it was proved without doubt, buffalo did not have wings.
In the current case, Judge Hamm promised to have a ruling in a dozen days.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

BILL O'REILLY'S FIRING COINCIDES WITH HIS NEW BOOK RELEASE

BILL O'REILLY'S  NEW BOOK, PHONE FUN, (THINGS TO DO WHILE TALKING TO THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS)  WAS RELEASED ONE DAY AFTER HIS FIRING FROM FOX NEWS FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.....

NEW YORK, N.Y.


It has been said, when it rains it pours and such was the case this week for Fox New's  Bill O'Reilly.  He was fired on Wednesday for what is being called sexual harassment in the work place. O'Reilly dismissed it by making a statement to OFF THE WALL NEWS that said, "Can't a guy have fun anymore? I just wanted to make some of those fat and ugly things in the office, feel good. I'm sure not one of them had ever been out on a date before."
Ironically, the day after his departure from Fox, his latest book, PHONE FUN, (Things to do while talking to the woman of your dreams), was released.  The original title was KILLING TIME ON THE PHONE, but was shortened so O'Reilly's face wouldn't be covered  up with print.
The book is full of drawings and doodles of nude women, drawn by O'Reilly when he was in high school and is a tell-all about masturbating while talking with nun on the phone.

Some are saying the firing may all be a hoax to promote the book. Fox representatives denied that saying they had paid out millions in hush money and were losing even more in ad revenue.
O'Reilly's close friend and confidant, Donald Trump was appalled that O'Reilly was fired.  "This is an outrage! He should have never been fired for complementing women like that. Sad, very sad.  I do look forward to his book though, I hear it's a page turner."  Trump then had a personal message for O'Reilly,  "Good luck Bill, keep your chin up, I may have a job for you running the phones at the White House."
OFF THE WALL NEWS will keep close tabs on these developments.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

TRUMP UNLEASHES SECOND M.O.A.B. AS SHOW OF FORCE FOR KIM JUNG UN

HOPING TO STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEART OF KIM JUNG UN, TRUMP SENT PENCE TO SOUTH KOREA DRESSED AS A  M.O.A.B. (MOTHER OF ALL BEASTS).....

WASHINGTON D.C.

Mrs. Pence gave permission for Pence to travel alone as long as he dined alone.
The accompanying picture of Vice President Mike Pence arrived in South Korea one day before he did, creating an atmosphere of confusion and giddiness among Taekwondo fans in Seoul.   The picture, nicknamed "The Force" was intended to appease the South Koreans while striking fear into the ruling dynasty of Kim Jung Un in the North. 
Trump and  Pence spent last weekend at Mar-a-Lago where Trump had Pence fitted into a Martial Arts costume and had him pose in various stances that would promote fear in the North Koreans.
 In a private interview, as Trump watched female joggers in the park near the White House he said, "I'm sending in 'The Force',  Mike is going in as the Mother of all Beasts and will kick some serious ass!"  He then pointed out the window, "Speaking of serious ass, will you look at that!!"  He quickly signaled for an aid to get him his binoculars and we were ushered out of the room.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany Pence to South Korea and report any results he may achieve as the M.O.A.B.  As a footnote, it was also leaked that he will be taking along copies of his wedding pictures to show to any women that may approach him.

Friday, April 7, 2017

TRUMP DIVINITY CLAIMS CAUSING ALARM IN VATICAN CITY

TRUMP CLAIMS THAT EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME HE WAKES UP WITH ACHING HANDS AND FOR A BRIEF TIME OLD STITCHES ARE VISIBLE, MAKING HIM BELIEVE HE IS THE DIVINE ONE.....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Fake or not?
Pope Francis received a tweet late Saturday night from President Trump at his Mar Largo retreat, with an attachment of a picture, Trump claimed to be his hands.
The Pontiff was quick to put down the tweet as fake news.
"The hands in this picture are those of a young or a very small man.  Our Savor was neither." he told a roomful of faithful underlings.
He sent an envoy to New York to dispel Trump's claims.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will accompany the envoy and report the findings.  Early suspicions are that the hands in the picture are really Kellyanne Conway's, holding tiny beads.