Monday, May 29, 2017

TRUMP NOT HAPPY WITH POPE, SAYS POPE WAS VERY UNFAIR TO HIM

TRUMP RETURNED HOME FROM HIS FIRST VISIT ABROAD A VERY UNHAPPY MAN, SAYING POPE FRANCES HAD DENIED HIM HIS REQUEST TO MAKE HIM A SAINT.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The Pope explaining to Trump why he can't be a saint.
Sources on the plane home said Trump pouted and whined about his time at the Vatican and how the Pope had affected his mood at the G7 conference.
The source, who is close to the President told OFF THE WALL NEWS, the President had been looking forward to his meeting with Pope Frances because he wanted to ask for forgiveness for his grabbing women's private parts and bragging about it.  The source said after the two were introduced, Trump asked for forgiveness and promised the Pope he would never brag again.  At first the Pope's eyes fluttered and then when Trump asked to be made a Saint, his mouth dropped open.
Pope Frances took Trump aside and quietly told him the Heavenly Father  had other plans for him.  Trump's expression became very somber as he listened.  Trying to make Trump feel better Pope Frances gave the President a book he had written about climate change.  Trump feigned a smile and left the room clutching the Pope's book.
After leaving the Vatican on his way to the G7 summit, Trump vowed to drop out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.  "Frances knows what he can do with his book!" he could be heard shouting on Air Force One. "He is the most unfair Pope of all time!  He was so unfair to me!  I'd make the best Saint ever and everybody knows that! I don't even think he's really a Pope, he's fake!"
His anger and mood came through at the G7 summit, scolding the leaders of our allied countries about NATO payments and showing others who stands where when taking pictures.
The President planned to take Memorial Day off and locked himself in his room.
Who knows what this week will bring.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will be there digging for the truth.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

TRUMP SAYS IT NEVER HAPPENED AFTER BONG PHOTO IS LEAKED

WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS ARE ON SCRAMBLE ONCE AGAIN TO COVER UP POT SMOKING ALLEGATIONS IN THE OVAL OFFICE, AFTER PHOTO OF A GLASSY EYED PRESIDENT EXHALING SMOKE FROM A BONG WAS POSTED ON THE STONER SITE, "FRIED"......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Reports say he wanted to hear some Black Sabbath

Things are heating up again even while the President is overseas.  On Monday a photo was leaked depicting President Trump exhaling a cloud of deep purple smoke from a glass bong.  The bong was said to have been a gift from Attorney General Jeff Sessions, even though the source close to this story, reported Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was the one that gave it to him.  The story as reported by our embedded reporter, developed as follows.
In what was to be a top secret meeting last week, Trump called  Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, and Paul Ryan into the oval office to discuss new anti-drug laws written by Attorney General Sessions. Sessions brought with him various pictures of drug paraphernalia to show the evilness available on the streets. As Trump studied the pictures in awe, Ryan winked at Kellyanne and opened a small box and presented it to Trump. Inside the box was a real bong, made of glass and fully loaded.  Kellyanne and Steve Bannon couldn't hold back huge smiles, while Jeff Sessions sat dumbfounded with his hands over his eyes. Trump asked how it worked and gave Sean Spicer a directive to show him how.  Spicer fumbled with a cigar lighter and with his second try, got the bong to fill with smoke before allowing it to disappear into his mouth.  Trump asked him what it was like, but Spicer could only sit and smile.  Before anyone could stop him, Trump took the bong and he himself fired it up.  The secret meeting was adjourned just after midnight when Vice President Pence was called to order some pizza.  Pence arrived a little later with the pizzas and began the cover up. 
When Trump was asked about the secret meeting in the morning, he denied one ever took place.

Monday, May 22, 2017

MAN EXPERIMENTING WITH FLAVORS TAPS INTO FOOD MARKETING BANANZA

GET READY FOR WHISKEY FLAVORED KETCHUP, JALAPENO CREAM PIE, AND MAPLE NUT MUSTARD JUST TO NAME OF FEW OF THE NEW ITEMS COMING SOON TO YOUR TASTE BUDS......

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

Nuthatch meditates for flavors
According to Melvin Nuthatch of Bridgeport, you can say goodbye to boring foods. Nuthatch, 50, plans to open Food Moods, an online grocery emporium full of old foods with new tastes.  "The mood of food is about to change!" he told OFF THE WALL NEWS as he chomped on a huge dill pickle coated with cinnamon paste.  "What the Beatles did for music, I'm doing for food!"
Nuthatch has been experimenting with new flavors ever since falling out of a tree at the age of 45  and losing his sense of taste. An avid  food eater before his fall, he says he woke up craving an ice cream sundae covered with chopped onions, pickle relish, and chocolate syrup. Unable to order such a sundae at his local dairy quick, he purchased the ingredients at the grocery store and has not looked back.
What's in store for those willing to assault their sense of taste?  Nuthatch wouldn't divulge too much, but did have a few samples ready for this reporter.  I was blindfolded and taken to Nuthatch's test kitchen where I was introduced to the following:  Burnt toast flavored pudding,  pickled asparagus in strawberry maple syrup,  pancakes smothered with ketchup, and long johns infused with jalapeno mustard. Each item was accompanied with hot thistle tea.  As I  am dieting, I was unable to try any of the tempting new flavors, but plan to at a future date.
Nuthatch hopes to have his web site Food Moods up and running by this time next week.  Until then he says, "We will have to remain bored with our food."



Sunday, May 21, 2017

TRUMP HOPES TO MOVE WHITE HOUSE TO SAUDI ARABIA

NOT BEING TREATED LIKE ROYALTY IS WHAT IS MISSING IN AMERICAN POLITICS TRUMP TOLD VP PENCE, AS THEY TOURED ONE OF TRUMP'S GOLF COURSES IN SAUDI ARABIA......

SAUDI ARABIA

Trump was feeling royal showing Pence around the golf course
A day after President Trump's royal welcome to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, Trump sent Melania home and had Mike Pence flown in to get a feel for what it's like to be totally respected by the "common folks."  Trump had Pence fly in on a commercial liner to, "save the taxpayer's money".  Pence arrived looking exhausted, but after a quick shower at the airport was gun ho to meet with his boss.

Pence, dressed smartly in a business suit, looked somewhat out of place next to Trump, who came driving up on a gold plated golf cart dressed in the Arabian traditional dress called a thawb.  Trump told Pence it was OK to loosen his tie, but he was unable to, explaining that the tie was a clip-on.  The two men rode off, with the secret service in tow.
After touring the golf course, Trump held an impromptu press conference, Arabian style.  All questions were questions of his own choosing.  The first question was how he liked Saudi Arabia?
"I couldn't like it more and I think my vice president will agree, by the way, did you know Vice President Pence was here?  Take a bow Mike."
Pence stood up blushing and gave a quick nod.  Trump continued, "As I was saying, I like it here, we both like it here and I want to thank King Salman for the warm welcome!  Mike and I were just discussing moving the White House over here.  A lot of people have told me, they like my ideas, so this is a good one."  A reporter shouted out and asked how he liked wearing a thawb, to which he smiled and replied, "Good guys wear white, right?  I mean, who couldn't score with the ladies wearing these kimonos , right Mike?"  Pence appeared to melt as his face turned bright red.  Trump laughed, "I'm just joking.  I am a pretty good joker you know.  Mike's wife is very fussy about who Mike eats with, no women allowed!  If you're listening Karen, I'm just joking.  I'm a joker.  I'll see that Mike eats alone, in fact we're headed for Israel next and he's entered in a baby back ribs eating contest!  Should be fun."   OFF THE WALL NEWS  will be along for the ride.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

TRUMP THOUGHT WATERGATE WAS A GATE THAT HELD BACK WATER

AFTER THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE HIS COLLUSION WITH RUSSIA, TRUMP ASKED TO BE BRIEFED ON WATERGATE AND WHAT IT HAD TO DO WITH RUSSIA....

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"Why are they doing this to me?"
With all the breaking news today, Trump's aides at the White House spent most of the day on Google, gathering information on the Watergate scandal.  Trump was busy trying on hairpieces for his up coming official trip at the end of this week, when he was told that a special prosecutor  had been appointed to investigate him.  According to a source embedded in the White House, Trump's first question was, "How do I look in flaming red curls?"  He then frowned and stuck his bottom lip out as if pouting. "Why are they doing this to me?  It's just not fair!"
Kellyanne Conway was the first aide to comfort him.  "It's alright, Mr. President.  They can't compare this to Watergate, Nixon is dead and besides you look great in curls."
Trump admitted he didn't know too much about Nixon or the Watergate scandal that brought him down.  "I was told by some very intelligent people that Watergate was a huge gate that held water back and now I'm learning it was really about a cover up.  I wish they would get their story straight."
Trump was ushered out of the oval office, in case there were still tape machines left over from Nixon's day.  In the hallway he asked an OFF THE WALL NEWS reporter what Watergate had to do with Russia.  "I think they are all confused! Watergate was made up news, I'll bet my presidency on it!"  With that he was whisked away to a safe room.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.....



Monday, May 15, 2017

TRUMP'S SECOND TV PILOT HAS BEEN LEAKED TO THE PUBLIC

MEANT TO BE A SURPRISE, TRUMP'S REMAKING OF LOST IN SPACE HAS BEEN OUTED BY THE  RUSSIAN MAFIA........

WASHINGTON, D.C.

The cast of Trump's latest TV sitcom.
The President went into a fit of rage this morning when he learned his latest new TV sitcom project had been leaked by the Russian Mafia.  His co-star and co-producer, Vladimir Putin denied any blame of the leak and said he would have the guilty party thrown from a window.
The TV pilot, loosely based on the 1965 hit television show Lost in Space, has just finished shooting the first episode and brings together some of Trump's friends as well as his daughter, recreating the rolls made great by now retired or already deceased stars.
Trump, saying he looked too old to play Professor Robinson, is playing the roll of young Will Robinson. ("He was such a smart kid")  He offered the lead roll of Professor Robinson to his Russian counterpart, Vladimire Putin, who accepted wholeheartedly. Playing Dr. Maureen Robinson is Trump groupie Kellyanne Conway, who said she loved being young Will's mother. (Critics are saying she is almost sleazy) The prized part of Dr. Zachary Smith is being played by Mitch McConnell, who said the roll was a "hoot" because "I didn't have to act any different than I am". Rounding out the cast of lost space travelers is Ivanka Trump, Paul Ryan, and playing a strong female to show his strengths is Steve Bannon.  The voice of the robot is that of Mike Pence. (He said he loved being robotic.)
Trump told OFF THE WALL NEWS he had hoped to premier this show in the Fall, but now that it has been outed, he may move that date to late Spring.  Be sure to check your TV listings.


Saturday, May 13, 2017

TRUMP RETURNS TO TELEVISION IN NEW SERIES

LONGING FOR THE DAYS WHEN HE RECEIVED HIGHER RATINGS ON T.V., TRUMP ROLLS OUT NEW SITCOM BASED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Sessons, Ivanka, Kellyanne, Rosie, Pence, and Spicer join Trump
In the end Donald Trump missed being on television in a weekly series so much, he signed a presidential decree that put into a motion a new sitcom, making him the star.  Based loosely on the old Gilligan's Island sitcom, Trump and his "crew mates" are stranded at Mara Lago and follow Trump in his roll as Skipper, as he creates at least one new "ship wreck" each episode.

OFF THE WALL NEWS  was at the first shooting of the first episode where Trump rescues Mike Pence from being slapped by Rosie O'Donnell.  Trump as the deal maker, gets them to kiss and make up.  "This is good television, really good, lots of people are telling me this is Emmy type stuff." Trump told a group of Chinese tourists who were lost.
Trump wanted to produce a good drama show, but it has turned into a comedy and will most likely be dropped before the season is over.