Wednesday, June 21, 2017

THREE ARMED MAN IN SHOCK AFTER UNDERGOING PROCEDURE TO REMOVE AN ARM

A LOCAL MAN BORN WITH TWO LEFT AND ONE RIGHT ARM, ENTERED THE HOSPITAL TUESDAY TO  REMOVE THE LOWER LEFT ARM, BUT DUE TO A COMPUTER GLITCH, HIS RIGHT ARM WAS REMOVED BY ACCIDENT...HOSPITAL BLAMES ROBOT.....

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

A local man received good news and bad news Tuesday evening after having one of his three arms removed by robotic surgery at Bridgeport General.  The good news was that the operation had been a success followed by the bad news that the wrong arm had been removed.
Kenny Duet, signing papers for his procedure.

Kenny Duet, 35 entered B.G. Tuesday morning for what was to be an out patient procedure.  He was born with two left arms and always had hoped to get one of them removed when the technology advanced enough to allow  it.  Last month Bridgeport General notified Duet of their new robot surgeon,  nicknamed Truman, who had been able to surgically remove the stomach out of a gnat.

Duet came in to meet the robot on Fathers Day and sign the paperwork for the robotic surgery to take place.  The robot has been programmed not only to perform surgical procedures, but to also entertain children in the children's wing of the hospital.  Duet quickly bonded with Truman after witnessing the robot juggle scalpels in front of the children.
"Truman"

No one knows for sure how or why Duet's right arm was mistakenly removed and until a diagnostic procedure can be completed, Truman has been banned from the surgical floor and delegated to the kitchen to slice onions.
Duet's attorney told OFF THE WALL news his client would probably sue once he found out if they could sue a robot. 


Sunday, June 11, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP REVERTS TO BUSINESSMAN TRUMP TO MARKET TRUMP MOUTHWASH

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS ARE SAYING TRUMP KNOWS THE END IS NEAR FOR HIS PRESIDENCY AND DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE A BAD TASTE IN ANYONE'S MOUTH SO HE IS MARKETING AN ADVANCED FORMULA MOUTHWASH......

WASHINGTON D.C.

Never one to miss an opportunity to make a dollar, President Trump is rolling out a new mouthwash, sons Donald Jr. and Eric introduced to rave reviews in Moscow six months ago. Trump Mouthwash should be hitting the shelves across America in the next few months. 
"It works, just ask Ivanka!"
1st daughter Ivanka gave a sly smile, when asked about the new product. "It was a whole new sensation for my mouth!" she told reporters. "It has a unique taste and leaves you breathless."
As Trump's popularity numbers continued to fall due to his manner of directing the government to be self-serving and with Russiagate hanging over him like a cloud, he directed his sons to do something.  With the help of big sister Ivanka as a silent partner, they developed a mouthwash that would get the so called bad taste of their father out of the public's mouth. The Trump brothers traveled to Russia in January of this year and began giving out free samples of "Trump Mouthwash."  It caught on and soon they couldn't keep up with demand.
Promises to relieve the sting of Trump.
OFF THE WALL news has learned there are also plans for an ointment  for those who feel like Trump has been a pain in the "ass".  Preparation T is in a test market somewhere in North Korea.
"It's all about the dollar!" Trump exclaimed. "I also hope to negotiate a deal with Vaseline in the coming weeks. It will be a slick deal, I can tell you that.  What a great country this is and I'm making it greater yet!"





Monday, June 5, 2017

TRUMP SHAVES HIS HEAD TO PROVE HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT WEANING HIMSELF FROM TWITTER

THE PRESIDENT SHOCKED HIS STAFF THIS MORNING WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND PROMISED TO WEAN HIMSELF FROM HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

"I'm going to wean myself, I'll be the biggest weaner of all times."
After sending tweets boasting of his wavy hair to fifteen world leaders late Saturday night, Trump came to the realization that he was out of control and vowed to wean himself from tweeting.
"It takes a real man to wean himself," he told OFF THE WALL news, "and I'll show the world what a great big weaner I am!"
To show he meant business, he shaved his head and had his hair sent to a pet mortuary.

"Everyone knows how much I like my hair, I mean who wouldn't like it, but it had to be done.  Now little dead critters will have it."
Trump stood up and went to one of the large windows behind his desk before continuing. ."I've known many people who try to wean themselves from their bad habits and fail. But I am the chief weaner and when it's all over I'll be known as a Presidential weanee!"
Kellyanne praised him and rubbed his bald head before ushering the news media out of the oval office.  OFF THE WALL news will follow this story until the President's hair grows back.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

BRIDGEPORT HEAT WAVE CAUSES RUSH TO CITY BEACH

CITY'S TWO FULL TIME LIFEGUARDS ARE BEING FORCED TO WORK OVERTIME, STRAINING THE CITY BUDGET AND CAUSING CITY GOVERNMENTAL LEADERS TO HAVE THEIR OWN HEAT WAVE OVER LIFEGUARD BODY MEASUREMENTS.............

BRIDGEPORT, MN.

No one expected 90 degree weather to hit Bridgeport on June 3rd, causing hundreds of swimmers looking to cool off.  The problem according to Mayor Ben Dover is the lifeguard shortage, now in its third year.  Swimmers still hit the beach this morning after being warned there would be only one lifeguard on duty.
Swimmers arrived in swarms as the temps rose in Bridgeport
Dover told his constituents, it would be cheaper to print up signs saying "Swim at your own risk, no lifeguard on duty", than hire lifeguards, but promised to begin interviewing lifeguard applicants as soon as Monday.
Dover's critics are saying he is dragging his feet, in part because of the type of lifeguards he is looking for.  Accusing the Mayor of being sexist for insisting the applications ask for bust size of all female applicants, city counsel members want to bring in an outside hiring specialist.
Meanwhile, the beach area is packed with swimmers.  Normally the beach has 50 to 70 swimmers at any given time.  Since early Saturday that number has swelled to between five hundred and a thousand.  To make room for everyone, swimmers are prohibited from sitting or lying on the beach and must stand when not in the water.  OFF THE WALL NEWS will monitor this story throughout the Summer.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

TRUMP RE-CREATES HIS HISTORIC RISE IN WASHINGTON IN THREE STOOGES MOVIE

IN HIS ONGOING PURSUIT TO BE IN THE NEWS 24/7, TRUMP FULFILLS A CHILDHOOD DREAM  OF BEING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IN A MOVIE.......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Ryan as Moe, Trump as Curly, and McConnell as Larry
Calling on son in law Jared Kushner to direct, Trump and company began shooting his adaption of "The Three Stooges in Washington", a comedic short film based on Trump's rise in Washington. In order to make the short film more memorable, he cast Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and himself as his favorite childhood heroes, the Three Stooges.
Ryan was viewed as relishing his part playing Moe, because he was able to continuously slap, poke, and jab Curly (Trump) and Larry (McConnell).  Trump, as Curly took the slaps and eye gouges in stride, slapping his own face over and over while shouting, "Woob, woob, woob, woob!"
Trump got the idea of making a film while late night movie binging Stooge movies with Kellyanne Conway.  As  The Three Stooges were new to Conway, Trump filled her in on his childhood heroes and how they had helped shape his life.
The next day Trump signed an order to have a Three Stooges movie script written about his rise in Washington D.C. and tapped Ryan and McConnell to co-star with him. Sources who have seen the complete film (22 minutes run time) say it is a gripping portrayal of Trump's rise.
Trump wanted it known that no animals were hurt or abused in the film, even though he portrays a horse's ass in one of the scenes.
OFF THE WALL NEWS will review the movie in a future news story.

Friday, June 2, 2017

AS FBI CLOSES IN ON RUSSIAN INTERFEARENCE IN U.S.,PUTIN INTRODUCES NEW MENS COLOGNE TO RUSSIA

IT NOW APPEARS THAT WITH THE APPOINTMENT OF A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR TO INVESTIGATE THE RUSSIAN CONNECTION TO TRUMP AND HIS SURROGATES, TRUMP INADVERTENTLY TWEETED ABOUT THE COLOGNE, CAUSING  PUTIN TO ACT..... 

 MOSCOW, RUSSIA

"Covfefe, so manly, it reeks of bromance!"

In a shocking follow-up to President Trump's late night tweet earlier in the week where Trump first used the word, Covfete, Putin today  released a new cologne in Russia called Covfete, featuring he and Trump on the label, shirtless, and riding horseback.

What many scholars thought was a type-o, turns out to be the name of Putin's new mens colonge, Covfefe, which in Russian folklore loosely means, back channel. 
There is much speculation to the context of "back channel" whereas the tag line on the label reads, "Covfefe, So Manly, It reeks of Bromance!" 
Foreign sources tell OFF THE WALL NEWS the new cologne was not to be released until September, but with a sleep deprived Trump at the tweet keyboard, the announcement came earlier than planned. As Trump usually does, to divert attention away from his faux pas, quickly announced to the world, he was taking the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Change Accord.
"You have to be able to think on your feet." he boasted.  As for his relationship with Putin, he said, "We're still tight and the cologne is magnificent. I wear it all the time.  Even Ivanka likes the way I smell!"






Thursday, June 1, 2017

TRUMP SAYS ANSWER TO CLIMATE CHANGE IS IN HIS HANDS

TRUMP BOWS OUT OF WORLD CLIMATE CHANGE ACCORD, SAYING ALL YOU NEED IS AN UMBRELLA TO CHANGE YOUR PERSONAL CLIMATE......

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Trump introduces his Climate Change device.
Two hours after telling the world he is pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change, he introduced his answer to climate change.
"I am one of the smartest people on Earth and I will be saving the people in the United States more money than they thought possible." Trump told a small group of climate change deniers in the Rose Garden. "I will see that everyone that wants one, will get a personal climate change device.  It looks like an umbrella, but it's not."
White House sources told OFF THE WALL NEWS, Trump made a secret deal with the Chinese and bought a billion umbrellas at $3 a piece.  They are to keep the holder cool and dry.
This shocking news has both houses of congress up in arms with many, on both sides of the isle thinking Trump has gone over the edge this time. Who knows what will happen next.....